Work Text:
Namjoon couldn’t remember a time in his life where he had felt more empty. Like he had known joy, happiness, and something close to contentment for the sole purpose of it to be robbed from him, leaving him beyond broken and aching for something fleeting that he knew he could never regain.
He hated this.
Feeling like he was missing something from his life, and he hated knowing exactly what it was too.
At least if he didn’t, he could move on, even with a sense of nauseating unease, he could go out and experience different things in hopes that they would fill the raw pit in his heart, and maybe even then he would be able to trick himself, that his new found fulfillment was enough, even if it always felt like it didn’t fit adequately enough in the cavity of emptiness inside him.
He wished he didn’t know, but he did, and he hated knowing what he wanted- what he needed was so close but further than tangible.
He was sure that fact, made it even harder for him to wrap his mind around what had happened, and after it had been so long, where a day had yet to pass where he could shake the memories of what had happened. That he had yet to come to some sort of acceptance... He found it dryly ironic and it almost made him laugh on the better days.
Almost. He couldn’t laugh, not since then, and even then, he never felt much of anything. Lately he had yet to feel anything but hollow. Incomplete, and he hated it.
He hated this feeling of having dreamt of everything he could ever want, everything within reach, only to wake up with the jarring realization, again and again, that he had gone down the wrong path and that it was too late now and this beautifully weaved illusion, was presently beyond his grasp.
Somedays, he felt like he was feeling everything all too much. A million emotions scientists had yet to place a name to because of how seldom they were come across, and yet, he was sure he could label each and every overpowering, crushing emotion he feels on days where he is swamped with grief.
He missed Jimin so much, and he almost wishes he were dead instead of the limbo he was in as of now.
He practically was dead, he hadn’t moved in two years, but the sliver of hope that kept his heart beating made it impossible to tear his mind from him.
He’d been his one and only for so long, for so many years, ever since they were in their youth and he had first violently wormed his way past all of his barriers he had so carefully put up after years of hate and ignorance, and now, he was all but physically gone.
Jimin had told him that he would never leave him, promised he’d be by his side until he died, but his heart wrenchingly honest words all seemed to be in vain as of now.
He was alive, but he wasn’t by his side, or even close to him even, when he would sleep with his head on his slow risen chest he knew he was gone.
He couldn’t be by his side now, or even ever again and the promises of an eternity of waking up in his arms, honey sweet kisses, and warm hands always in his own, all seemed so far away now. Like nothing more than a glimmer of his life that he had taken advantage of.
He could see Jimin physically in all of his glory, plush lips that would twitch occasionally in his sleep, warm cheeks that even after twenty one years still had yet to lose their baby fat, over all kind and peaceful features, he could see it all, run one of his hands through bleached blond hair that somehow had barely grown to expose roots, he could see for himself that he wasn’t gone if he so chooses, but it all felt like nothing more than a shell of the boy that would blink back at him happily from behind chestnut eyes that seemed to shine gold when he was under the sun.
He hated not being able to be with him. He could, physically speaking, but there were only so many hours a week he could settle for staying at his bedside and wondering when things might be different or if they'd already come and past.
He needed to talk to him. Ask him what about everything that had happened, leading up to all of this, if he hated him for leaving him alone at the apartment while he went on that business trip to Japan, ask if all of this could have been prevented if he hadn’t left, if he had simply taken the first flight cancellation as a sign- ask if Jimin even remembered him or still loved him after all this time. Of course this was all a huge if. If he woke up and if he could even bring himself to speak to him in the first place.
He didn’t think he would be able to force words from his throat if he were to wake up. Not after all this time. It had always been hard, unbearably difficult to force his jaw to even open and the act of making some sound come through it was even harder.
He’d do it when he could, to see his Jiminie light up like he’d held out the sun for him. Even if it burned his hands up he’d pull all the stars from the sky a thousand times over, because he loved him so much, and even though he hated the feeling of his mouth protesting before words came out he’d do it and anything else he wished for Jimin.
Jimin never forced him to speak, never asked it of him, but if he had just come from a coma he wasn’t sure how inclined he would be to watching his jittery boyfriend shakily scrawl down how much he missed him, how much he regretted everything and how much he hated himself for not speaking to him more and not just when his phone wasn’t in sight to text him a message.
He needed to hear Jimin’s voice. It was one of the few things that had gotten him through highschool, hearing him yell his name too loud and too early the moment he spotted him, barrelling towards him and dramatically pulling him from his feet despite the fact that he was nearly a head shorter than himself.
His voice grounded him.
Every I love you, every good morning and hello he never could manage to say back urged along his heart to beat feebly in his chest. Jimin never told him good night or good bye because he promised they would always see each other again so there was no need.
He hated him for not telling him good bye right before his flight. He had texted him nearly every moment of it, dishing out fifty thousand won for in-flight wi-fi just to send him cringy jokes he’d seen in his feed, and yet he hated him for not telling him good bye one last time in person, through a message- any of it would have been good enough for him, but he didn’t, and the knowledge of it made tears of anguish rush to the surface.
He knew it was all selfish. He expected, needed so much from Jimin and yet he could count the number of times in over their decade of knowing each other how many times he’d told him he loves him, or good morning or any number of affection things he’d long since taken for granted, things that Jimin never thought twice before telling him with a gentle kiss and unfulfilled promises of tomorrow.
Days like today were especially cold and he could only help but think that if Jimin were here that he would be ten times warmer wrapped in his arms, that even though it served him right for sitting out on the frigid beach in nothing but one of Jimin’s thin sweaters that had long since stopped smelling like him and his cheap perfume, in the middle of January, but still he couldn’t help but think that if Jimin were here it would be bearable.
He almost found it ironic how much he missed the warmth. He used to hate it. Any day that was below seventy degrees wasn’t a day to go out, but after Jimin had left he found that many days were too cold, even the ones where digits climbed into the hundreds.
He knew he should probably go back home, steal one of Jimin’s sweaters and burry himself under an unhealthy amount of covers with a cup of that bitter cup of coffee the younger for some reason enjoyed.
He knew he wouldn’t go home any time soon though.
Him and Jimin use to come down to the beach almost daily, they shared hundreds of days here and while most of them held little significance in what they did, each memory was special and was deeply rooted inside him.
Most days they would just sit together on the sand while Jimin would work on one thing or another while he wrote down his annoyance, on how he was going to have sand in places he didn’t even know existed when they got up. It was nice. Just being in Jimin’s company where he could feel his love practically radiating off of him in waves.
He’s sure coming to the beach only fills him with more grief by the time he leaves, but at the same time it’s also numbing and not being able to feel is a luxury he refuses to take for granted.
Here he could remember Jimin as he was, happy, sweet, a bit too cocky at times but still all him and it was moundfuls better than seeing Jimin as an angelic skin that once held him, in a hospital bed.
He hadn’t been to the hospital in a month now. He’d gone every other day like clockwork for twenty-two months, but four weeks ago he found he just couldn’t take it anymore and he had finally lost all hope.
Jimin still had brain activity, he always had but the two year anniversary of it all was approaching and he knew better than to think Jimin would spring out of bed and ask him what he was doing at his bedside with a confused smile.
If the Park’s weren’t as famous as they were he was sure someone would have pulled the plug already and freed him from his purgatory of suspense.
It was only slightly comforting to know their friends all held onto the same nieve hopefulness he did. Jimin was like a beacon of hope to everyone he touched and he knew from the others frequent visits that they felt his absence as much as he did.
The beach was better than the hospital. Anywhere was better than the hospital but then again almost everywhere held memories of him.
It was past dark now, the stars had been hanging proud in the sky for hours now, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. The beach was officially closed, but with the water brushing his toes in gentle lulls he couldn’t force himself to move. Nobody came down to this portion of the beach anyways, it was his and Jimin’s haven of sorts, and though there were too many crabs and small critters lining the gravel shoreline for even him, it was their spot and when time hung frozen when he was here he knew he wasn’t going to leave anytime soon.
He heard them before he saw them. Soft tentative footsteps crushing sand and small rocks as they grew louder. He stayed still, arms wrapped around his legs in hopes that whoever was about to tell him to get up and leave, or kill him, simply just wouldn’t notice his presence.
Moments passed as the steps grew louder before finally coming to a soft scraping halt.
He could feel someone beside him but he still didn’t turn to so much as acknowledge them. In the back of his mind he wondered if it was the same old police officer who would walk these beaches to make sure kids weren’t out drinking on them.
Most days he would gently tell him that it was late and that he should head home, but on others he’d look solum and tell him to stay safe and that he’d leave the gate to the beach unlocked.
He could hear sand shifting as the person settled down besides him but he didn’t pull his gaze from the ocean that almost appeared pearly white under the bright moon.
He could feel someones hand come to rest on his knee and slowly he let his eyes fall to the small digits resting there delicately. He let his gaze climb up the persons arm before it finally came to rest on familiar eyes and suddenly his throat felt too tight to get air through and the cool air surrounding them bit harshly at his eyes.
It was a familiar dream but it almost looked real. He could map out each and every one of Jimin's features and he wasn’t just a blur of unrecognizable that his sleep ridden brain had somehow labeled ‘home’.
He took his time taking in this Jimin’s features. His nose was dusted red along with his cheeks and eyes, his lips looked raw, worn, like he’d been biting them too much. Even his eyes looked tired and he found it ironic because even though he was asleep surely his brain knew Jimin had had enough sleep to last him a hundred lifetime.
He met his eyes again. By now dream-Jimin would usually speak. Tell him he was back, that he loved him and that he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the beach at night.
It was almost pitiful how much he’d dreamed of him. Almost. Instead, Jimin stayed silent and he noticed he seemed to be trying to absorb him too, something that was also abnormal given dream-Jimin had him committed to memory every time they met under sleep.
“Joonie?" The voice in front of him came out raw, strained, and brimming with emotions, and suddenly his heart was aching again at the sound of it.
He forced himself to nod, silently begging that dream-Jimin would say something more because never had his voice sounded so clear- so real, it always came out as a distant memory but now it sounded almost like he was speaking to him face to face.
He let dream-Jimin take one of his hands into his own and he stared down at it in horror because he couldn’t remember being able to feel him before and yet he could feel cool pudgy hands molding against his own as their fingers slotted together familiarly in his own.
His breath stuttered out in front of him as he lifted his gaze once more, and suddenly the wind was too cold to keep his tears at bay and they spilled down stickily past his cheeks.
Jimin’s face broke out into a watery smile, soft hands slipping from his own to wipe at his face and all he could do was wrench his eyes shut and allow a sob to noisily rip through his throat because it all hurt too much, and Jimin was here in front of him now- really here- and after not having cried for nearly two years, he could feel his heart hammering hard against his chest.
He was sure from the strain in his throat that he was never going to stop crying and that so long as Jimin stayed close to him he didn’t care if he ever stopped even with his jaw already beginning to ache for how long it had been open.
“Joonie baby- it’s okay I’m here,” Jimin’s voice was rough and he forced his eyes open to stare at him through tears and even in the poor lighting he could tell that Jimin’s eyes were rimmed red.
He pushed his hands from his face hard, surging forward and wrapping his arms around him so tight that air vocally escaped the younger in a short puff.
“Joonie- I’ve missed you so much, thank you for waiting- the nurse told me you visited nearly every day-” Jimin seemed to regain his words and was squeezing him so hard he was sure he was going to crush his ribs, but he found he needed him to hold him tighter because it wasn’t enough.
“N-No- I di-didn’t-” His voice came out shaky, throaty and he cringed at it initially but he needed to speak to him- he hadn’t for too long, and fuck, now that Jimin was here he had to.
“I didn’t see you every day- I stopped a month ago Jimin- I’d lost hope and then you woke up and I wasn’t- I wasn’t there when you woke up and I promised to be with you for forever and I br- brok-” He trailed off, voice racking in sobs but Jimin only squeezed him tighter and he could feel his neck growing damp as the body in his arms began to shake lightly.
“You did enough Joonie- you’re enough- please shut up-” Jimin’s voice came out broken and he could feel his heart dipping the longer he spoke.
“I love you so much- you never had to visit me ever- just having you here right now is enough,” He rasped out and he pulled away violently so he could see Jimin again, face red with tears and snot running down his chin, he looked recked and his body shook with sobs as he tried to pull himself closer to him.
He looked real- alive and Namjoon could feel new tears rushing forth once more as Jimin leaned in, grabbing his face and roughly pressing sticky lips to his own, but he didn’t care, because Jimin was real- he was here- really here and he didn’t think he’d ever see the day- that Jimin would still want him after so long of being stuck in his own mind but he did.
After what felt like only a second of having Jimin’s lips moving desperately against his own, he pulled back, and he could feel more tears ghosting down his cheeks at the loss as he tried to press forward back into his touch.
“No- please-” He begged and Jimin only shook his head gently, looking just as recked as he felt.
“Baby- it’s okay- it’s cold you’re going to get sick- lets go home?” His hands were back in his own and he found he could only nod weakly, letting the elder pull him up and blurrily he noticed he was wearing a thick coat he absolutely did not have with him when at the hospital.
He could feel another wave of nausea sweeping over him at the thought that he couldn’t even be home for Jimin when he got back.
“Joonie, whatever you’re thinking please don’t- I love you so much,” Jimin was close to him, lips breaths away from his own and he could just barely bite back the urge to slam his own back into his own.
“I should have- I should have been there-” He broke off as a finger was pushed to his mouth.
“You were there Joonie- I remember every single word you said to me- even while I was in the coma- you don’t owe me anything- please Joonie I love you so much- you’re here now and thats all that matters,” Jimin’s voice came out rough and he was sure if the two of them stood here any longer that they would both start crying again.
“I’m home Joonie,”