Archive of Our Own

** 

It was 11 in the morning when Jisung woke up to the loud ringing of his alarm. Jisung was thankful that he didn’t have classes that morning - not that he was planning on attending them anyways. Jisung finally pushed himself off the bed and dragged his feet to the bathroom. Jisung let out an empty laugh after seeing his messy appearance on the bathroom mirror. It wasn’t the first time that he had seen himself looking so disheveled, these kinds of morning slowly starting to become the norm. His hair was a mess, strands sticking out in all directions, his eyes red from the lack of sleep and he was still wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday. To cut it short, he was a big mess. 

Jisung wasn’t always like this. He had always put effort in how he presents and he would definitely not go to bed in his outside clothes. There was only one reason as to why Yoon Jisung became like this and it goes by the name of Kang Daniel. 

Kang Daniel.

Jisung’s childhood friend of over 10 years. Their mothers were close friends with each other, having worked at the same company. Although Jisung was older by 5 years he never felt the age gap with Daniel. It could be because they had known each other ever since they were young that Jisung felt comfortable around Daniel. At the start, Daniel was just like a little brother to Jisung, and as hard as it might be to believe, Daniel used to be smaller than Jisung and much thinner than he is now. He used to follow Jisung around, always wanting to do everything together and Jisung was very fond of the younger. But somewhere along the way, something changed. 

As the years passed and seasons changed, so did Jisung and Daniel. 

** 

After graduating from high school Jisung had decided to go to a university that was far from his home, causing him to move out from his home and away from Daniel. And it was on one autumn’s day that Jisung noticed the biggest change. 

He had just finished his lectures for the day and was on his way home when a large figure standing in front of his door caught his attention. 

“Can I help you with something?” Jisung called out to the stranger. The stranger turned around upon hearing Jisung’s voice, their eyes meeting each other. Jisung’s eyes widened his mouth agape when he saw the stranger’s face. Kang Daniel. Jisung’s childhood friend was now standing in front of him. Jisung couldn’t believe his eyes, the once small and thin boy that used to follow him around was now towering over him and Jisung could definitely see that Daniel had spent some time in the gym through his clothes. But there was one thing that didn’t change. Daniel still had that same bunny smile that Jisung adored. And when he called him with that familiar voice laced with his infamous busan accent Jisung felt a weird sensation in his chest.

“Jisung hyung, did you miss me?”

And as the autumn breeze blew Jisung felt a weird feeling overcome his body. He didn’t know what it was but it felt different. It was a feeling he had never felt before and he couldn’t put a finger on it. But Jisung will soon find out what it was. 

Daniel had always been a touchy person and Jisung was usually the one at the receiving end. At first Jisung didn’t mind because Daniel used to do the same thing when they were younger. He would always hug Jisung whenever he got the chance or he would suddenly grab Jisung’s hands intertwining it together. As the years passed, Jisung suddenly started to feel his heart skip a beat, his face heating up every time Daniel would lace their hands together or when he would hug him from behind without warning. Jisung would always ask him why he kept doing those things and Daniel would always reply with the same answer every single time. 

“It’s because I like you” he would reply, his face beaming with a wide smile. And again Jisung would feel butterflies in the pits of his stomach, his heartbeat pounding against his chest. He didn’t understand why he was feeling that way. Why does his heart beat so fast whenever Daniel would smile at him or whenever he would embrace him. He would always look forward to Daniel’s calls or texts and even just hearing his voice over the phone gave him butterflies. He just really didn’t understand, this sudden change in his feelings scaring him. It could be that years that Jisung and Daniel had been separated from each other had been far too long. Jisung still pictured Daniel to be the small boy from his younger days that his sudden appearance – now as a man -  threw him off. He was probably just confused and thought that it was going to go away soon enough. But boy, oh boy was he wrong. It wasn’t long after that, that Jisung finally knew why he was feeling the way he is. 

He was in love with Daniel. It was a fact that he found hard to accept at the start. It wasn’t because he was in love with a man – Jisung realised his sexual orientation early in his teenage years – that he found hard to accept, it was that he was in love with his childhood friend. It was something that he had only seen on the television or in books. It was difficult to come to terms with in the beginning but the more he thought about it, he realised that he had been harbouring romantic feelings for a while now, he was just too afraid to acknowledge it. 

He probably had been since that day Daniel showed up on his doorstep, 3 years ago. But Jisung knew better than to keep his hopes up, because he knows that it’ll only hurt him in the end. It also didn’t help that their friends would always tease them. But that didn’t stop the hope that was slowly growing inside of him. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he liked it when their friends would ask them whether they were dating or not. He felt special because he had never seen Daniel do the type of skin ship he does with him with anyone else. He had to stifle his smile whenever that question would pop out because he didn’t want Daniel to get an inkling that he was harbouring any sort of romantic feelings towards him. 

“Are you guys dating or something? ” their friend Jaehwan asked for the nth time as he Daniel’s hands make their way up Jisung’s chest rubbing the area around Jisung’s ribs, a habit that Daniel developed recently. Jisung expected Daniel to just laugh it off like he usually does, but today was different. 

“I already have someone I like” Daniel replied, his hands not leaving Jisung’s chest. Jisung felt his body stiffened. His heart racing at an unbelievable speed. 

Daniel has someone he likes…? 

That was the first time Jisung had heard about that. Daniel had not mentioned about someone in particular nor had he seen Daniel with anybody special. Since when did Daniel develop feelings for someone? Who is this person? Thoughts raced through Jisung’s head, blocking everything in his surroundings. 

Could it be..? Does he dare to hope that the person Daniel likes is….him? 

Jisung bit his lip pushing down the expectation and hope that was filling his chest at that moment. Maybe there is a chance for the two of them. 

But Jisung should’ve known. He should’ve known that it was pointless, that it was just wishful thinking. It was just that he had to learn it the hard way. 

It was one summer morning that Yoon Jisung had his heart broken. 

From Kangdan

Hyung can we meet? I have something to tell you

Jisung had just finished his part-time job when he received a message from Daniel. He wondered what Daniel had to tell him. Daniel sounded serious and Jisung immediately replied. 

To Kangdan

Is everything okay? I just finished work I’ll meet you at the usual place in 15.

Jisung entered the café and looked around, looking for Daniel when he heard a familiar voice.

“Jisung hyung! Over here” Daniel was standing up waving his hand to get his attention. But that wasn’t what caught his attention. It was the woman that was sitting beside him. 

“Sorry to call you out so sudden but I wanted you to be the first person to know” Daniel said but Jisung wasn’t paying attention. His focus was on their intertwined hands that was on the top of the table. And that was when he knew why Daniel had called him out. 

“This is Jisun, my girlfriend” So she was the one that Daniel said he likes. Jisung stared at the woman. She was pretty. She had long black hair, her eyes curling up when she smiled, her nose small and high and there was a mole on the left side of her face, that even Jisung found charming. She also had a nice smile - one that would make any man fall. He could see why Daniel fell for her. He would too if he was straight. 

“Hi, I’m Jisung…Daniel’s friend” Jisung introduced himself. A friend. Yes, that was what their relationship was – Friends and it will always stay that way. Daniel then proceeded to talk about how they met, how he had been pursuing her for a while now and that she had finally accepted his confession. 

“Hyung are you alright? You look pale” Daniel asked in the middle of his story, casting a worried glance at the older touching Jisung’s hand. Jisung snapped out of his thoughts, quickly removing his hand from Daniel’s touch. 

“I’m o-okay. I’m j-just not feeling well” Jisung stuttered, his voice wavering as he felt the tears forming. He had to get away from here. He felt suffocated. The tightening in chest making it hard for him to breathe. But he didn’t want to look weak even though it was breaking him to see Daniel with another person. 

“Should we take you to the hospital? You really don’t look that good” Daniel pressed, his body standing up, ready to take Jisung to the hospital.

“I’m fine Niel really. Plus you can’t just leave Jisun here can you? I’ll be okay don’t worry” Jisung said, forcing a smile on his face. He didn’t know if it was convincing enough but it worked nonetheless when he saw the younger finally relax on his seat. And Daniel being Daniel took the mic and started talking. Jisung smiled, nodded and even gave a response here and there but honestly speaking he wasn’t paying attention to anything that was going on. He wanted to get away from here, away from the scene in front of him. 

“I forgot I had to do something, I’ll leave first” Jisung couldn’t stand it anymore, he had to leave. The longer he stayed there, the harder it was to watch them. 

“Eh okay. I’ll call you later then” Daniel said, reluctantly sending the older off.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay any longer, it was nice meeting you” Jisung threw a little smile towards Jisun’s direction to which the woman returned. Jisung quickly took his stuff and left the café. 

It didn’t take him long to reach home nor did it take long for him to break down. The minute the door closed, the dam broke. The tears that Jisung tried so hard to hold back, streamed down his face, one after another showing no signs of stopping. 

Jisung let out a sob, his cries echoing in the empty room. He cried and cried because when tomorrow comes, he’ll have to play the good friend. The friend that isn’t in love with him. He can do it he told himself. He wasn’t a theatre major for nothing. He would just have to act as if he was in a play and put on a role. A role of a good and doting friend. That was all he could do. 

And so the days went on. As hard as it is to believe, Jisung was happy for Daniel. It would be a lie to say that he wasn’t heartbroken but Jisung wouldn’t put his own selfish needs over Daniel’s happiness. He was contented with being his friend and he knows that one day he’ll be able to move on. 

From what Jisung observed Jisun seemed to be a nice girl and she does make Daniel happy. And seeing Daniel happy was enough for Jisung. But it all changed when one day Daniel came to him and told him that Jisun had broken up with him. Jisung was shocked. It hadn’t been long since that day that Daniel had introduced her to him. He wanted to ask for the reason but Daniel looked so sad that he chose not to, instead he opted to bring the younger into his embrace. Daniel pulled the older closer seeking for warmth and comfort. Jisung’s heart was beating so fast that he prayed Daniel didn’t hear it. 

A month passed and everything was going well. Jisung still didn’t know the reason for Daniel’s break up and when he tried to ask, Daniel would always change the subject. Thinking that Daniel wasn’t ready to talk about it, Jisung stopped asking. Daniel would tell him someday. 

 **

Jisung was out drinking with Sungwoon after a very long time. He had been very busy the last few weeks with his projects that he was looking forward to this drinking session. It would also help him unwind and forget his whole Daniel situation. 

“Hyung put that down, you’re drunk already” Sungwoon scolded the already drunk Jisung. 

“Am not dwunk” Jisung argued his speech slurred, obviously having had too much to drink. 

“Hyung let’s go home. I’ll call a taxi” Sungwoon suggested worried about the older’s welfare. He was drinking more than usual and Sungwoon could see that the older was going through something. He was curious but knowing Jisung he wouldn’t tell him. 

“Auntie more beer please” Jisung called out ignoring Sungwoon’s words. He didn’t want to go home just yet. It has been a while since he had a drink that he had made up his mind that he tonight he was going to drink to his heart’s content. He wasn’t lightweight, his alcohol tolerance being above average but he had been downing one beer after another that it made drunk faster. 

Sungwoon watching the older continuously chug down the bottle of beer without a single worry. It was as if he was treating it like water. Sungwoon knowing that he wouldn’t be able to stop Jisung from drowning himself in alcohol, contacted the sole person he knew who could. And it didn’t take long for the said person to arrive. 

“Daniel” Sungwoon greeted giving the younger a quick hug. Daniel broke off the hug and focused on Jisung whose body was slumped on the table still holding a half full bottle in his hand. 

“I need to go now so do you mind taking him home” Sungwoon said packing up his things. Now that Daniel was here Sungwoon had nothing to worry. He knew that Daniel would take care of the older. 

“Yes hyung, take care” Daniel bid the older goodbye before taking the now empty seat in front of Jisung. Daniel propped his chin on his hand and silently watched the older waiting to see if he would notice the new presence. 

Jisung had not moved for the last 10 minutes that Daniel was starting to wonder if he had fallen asleep. But he was proved wrong when Jisung suddenly sat up and finished the bottle that he was holding. 

“Jisung hyung” Daniel called trying to catch the older attention. Jisung’s eyes were already drooping and Daniel wonder what could’ve happened to make the older drink this much. 

“Oh! Daniel?” Jisung said in surprise. Daniel smiled as Jisung’s eyes went wide his mouth forming an ‘o’ shape. 

“Hyung, let’s go home” Daniel said taking the drink from Jisung’s hand.

“No, I don wan home” Jisung answered opening another bottle. Daniel sighed, taking that bottle away too. 

“Hey! Gib it back” Jisung yelped but Daniel held the bottle further away. Jisung cursed Daniel’s ridiculously long arms and slumped back in his seat pouting. Daniel stifled a smile as he watched Jisung fold his arms, his lips sticking out even more. His flushed face and droopy eyes made him look even more adorable that it was hard for Daniel not to pinch his round cheeks. 

Daniel put down the bottle on the table to take a glass of water and hand it over to the older when Jisung suddenly lunged forward and grabbed the beer. 

“Hyung!” Daniel exclaimed, watching Jisung chugged down the beer. 

“Too slow” Jisung giggled leaning in closer to pat Daniel on the cheeks muttering a small and quiet ‘better luck next time’. 

“Hey since you look like my Daniel do you want to know a secret, but you have to promise not to tell Daniel okay” Jisung whispered looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping on their conversation before giggling to himself. 

Daniel cocked an eyebrow and nodded, amused at what secret Jisung had that he wasn’t allowed to tell Daniel - which was obviously himself. Jisung was too adorable that he couldn’t help but play along with his drunken antics.

Jisung motioned Daniel to come closer with his finger. Daniel leaned in curious as to what Jisung was going to tell him. Jisung looked around him once again before talking. 

“I’m in love with Daniel but you can’t tell him okay” Jisung whispered his body falling to the table as soon as he finished speaking. 

Daniel was shocked to say the least. When Jisung said he had a secret he was expecting something small but this was such a big revelation that Daniel was taken aback. Daniel snapped back to reality when a loud snore was heard. Daniel’s eyes darted to the older who had fallen asleep on top of the table and was now snoring loudly. Daniel shook his head in amusement, walking over to the other side of the table. He took Jisung’s arm and slung it over his shoulder pulling him up. 

“Aigoo what will I do with you” Daniel sighed walking out of the restaurant after paying. 

“Da..niel you idiot” Jisung murmured in his sleep swinging his fist in mid-air as if to show his point. Daniel bit his lip holding in his laughter. 

“He is, isn’t he” Daniel replied light-heartedly with a slight nod of his head.

“Hey don’t call him an idiot!”  Jisung said shakily pointing a finger at Daniel. 

“Okay I’m sorry” Daniel said putting a hand up in apology. 

“Ah, I’m tired. I want to sleep” Jisung sighed running his hand on his face. It didn’t take long for them to reach Jisung’s small one room apartment. Daniel had been to Jisung’s house plenty of times that he had no problem entering. 

“Ugh” Jisung groaned snuggling into his pillow as soon as Daniel dropped him on the bed. Daniel stood there staring intently at Jisung’s sleeping face with a troubled expression. 

With a sigh he crouched down making him face to face with older. “I’m sorry” he whispered before leaving the room. 

Jisung woke up that morning with the greatest hangover ever. The memories of last night flashing through his mind. Jisung cursed as every single thing he said and done played in his head like a soap opera. If only he was one of those people who tends to forget their actions when they’re drunk, then maybe he wouldn’t be like this right now. Jisung grabbed his head in frustration, he was frustrated at himself for doing what he did. How was he supposed to face Daniel now? He had tried so hard to hide his feelings in fear of ruining their friendship but now that it was all out in the open he didn’t know what to do next. The best thing to do was to apologise and play it off as drunken talk. Yes, that might work he said to himself trying to cheer himself up. 

Forcing himself out of his bed, he strolled into the bathroom ready to face the day ahead. 

Jisung was leaving the lecture hall when he heard his name being called. Turning around he spotted a large figure running towards him. Shit, he cursed internally. He wasn’t expecting to be facing Daniel this early. He only hoped Daniel forgot about it and doesn’t ask. 

“Daniel” Jisung greeted like he normally does, despite the fact that he was shaking inside. 

“Hyung about last night..” Daniel started awkwardly scratching the back of his head. Jisung grabbed Daniel’s wrist pulling him to a more secluded and quiet area after noticing that everyone was starting to come out of the rooms. He didn’t want to have this conversation in front of everyone. 

“Look I’m sorry about that. I was drunk and I said things that might have made you uncomfortable. You can forget all about it ” Jisung apologised when they were finally away from everyone else, his head hanging down. 

Silence.

Jisung lifted his head when Daniel didn’t reply. Was he mad? Why was he not saying anything? Jisung bit his lip nervously. He was starting to get anxious. Was this the end of their friendship?  

“Daniel?” Jisung called nervously as he still hasn’t said anything.

“Let’s do it” Daniel replied finally breaking his silence. 

Do what?

“What?” Jisung asked confused as to what Daniel meant. 

“Let’s date” Daniel clarified staring at Jisung with a serious gaze. 

Jisung’s mind went blank. Did he hear that right? Did Daniel really say what he thought he said. Jisung turned his head left and right looking for any of their friends hiding somewhere. This had to be a big joke. It just had to be. 

“You’re joking right. That was a good one” Jisung laughed, not believing what Daniel said. There was no way Daniel wanted to date him. First of all he was straight (is he really?) and second he had just broken up with his girlfriend recently so he was probably still affected by it. 

“I’m serious hyung. I’ve thought about it and I want to give it a try.” Daniel explained. He really did think hard about it and this was the conclusion he came up with. 

“Daniel, when I said-” Jisung stopped, the next words not coming out as easily as he thought “when I said that I was in love with you I wasn’t asking for this.” Jisung continued his hands moving in circles putting a strong emphasis on ‘this’.

“Do you even have any sort of romantic feelings for me?” Jisung asked. He was confused as to why Daniel was acting like this. Sure a part of him was hoping that what Daniel said was true but the other half was telling him not to get his hopes up. What he was saying was too good to be true. 

“Honestly I don’t know what it is I’m feeling but I do know that I want to give us a try” Jisung’s heart skipped a beat when the word ‘us’ escaped from Daniel’s mouth. Us. Him and Daniel. Together. He couldn’t contain the burst of hope that flared inside him. But he had to be realistic. 

“Daniel you really don’t have to do this. This is my problem and I just need a bit of time and I’m sure I can get over it soon enough. You don’t need to force yourself. I’m okay” Jisung said. As much as he wanted this, he also had to be logical. In the end the greatest casualty that will come out of this would be him. 

“Hyung” Daniel stepped closer, taking Jisung’s hands. “Trust me.” Jisung stared at the younger’s eyes. He could see that he was serious. He trusted him. It was himself that he didn’t trust. He didn’t trust himself to let go once he gets a taste of Daniel’s love and affection. He wasn’t confident that he was going to come out of this unscathed. But Jisung also knew that he was going to regret it if he doesn’t take this chance. It was going to be a long and painful road ahead but Jisung was willing to take that chance. Daniel had given him a chance to love him and Jisung was going to do everything he can to make the younger fall for him. Is he really willing to put his heart on the line? What if Daniel realises that having a relationship with a man is…disgusting. What will he do then? 

Jisung hesitated, his eyes roaming every inch of Daniel’s face. You are such an idiot Jisung, he told himself before replying.

“Okay” Daniel’s face lit up at Jisung’s answer, his face breaking out in a big smile. 

“Thank you hyung. I promise I’ll make you happy” Daniel promised hugging the older. Jisung returned Daniel’s hug, closing his eyes to savour the moment. He was still afraid. He had envisioned this moment for a long time that it felt surreal. He was scared that this would all just be a dream and that he’ll wake up on his bed alone. 

But little did he know that promises are meant to be broken. 

**

It had been 5 months since Daniel and Jisung started dating. Daniel was a kind and caring lover and Jisung couldn’t be happier. He could really feel that Daniel cares for him but he could also feel that there was something else missing. 

Love. Romantic love to be more exact.

That was what’s missing in their relationship. Sure they would kiss and even have sex but other than that Jisung didn’t feel like anything has changed. Their relationship was the same as to what it was before. They were more like friends with benefits rather than lovers. Jisung truly believed that Daniel loved him. But it was closer to platonic love than it is romantic. They were on different parts of the spectrum and Jisung could only hope that his love for Daniel would be enough. 

“Daniel?” Jisung called out, putting his bag down on the floor.  That was weird? He had texted Jisung earlier saying that he was coming over and he would usually be here around this time, sitting on the sofa playing games. Jisung checked the kitchen but he wasn’t there either. 

“Daniel?” Jisung called out once again, opening the bedroom door, thinking that Daniel may have just fallen asleep. But there was still no sign of him. Jisung took out his phone and dialled Daniel’s number, but no answer. 

Jisung was about to put his coat back on and leave the house to look for the younger when he heard the front door opening.

“Ugh” Jisung groaned when a heavy figure fell on top of him causing him to stumble. It was Daniel.

“Daniel are you drunk?” Jisung asked, catching a whiff of alcohol from Daniel’s breath. Just how much did he drink that he’s coming home drunk. As far as Jisung knew, Daniel was very good at handling his alcohol and it definitely took a lot in order to make him drunk. In actuality, Jisung has never seen the younger drunk like he is now.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed” Jisung said, placing Daniel’s arm around his shoulders and wrapping his own arm around Daniel’s waist to support him. 

“Why are you so big” Jisung complained as he dragged Daniel’s heavy body to the bedroom. After much difficulty, Jisung finally managed to get the younger on the bed. Jisung let out a big breath, wiping the thin layer of sweat that formed on his forehead. 

Jisung caressed Daniel’s hair, brushing his dark locks with his fingers. Jisung’s eyes glazed over Daniel’s sleeping face. “Hmm” Daniel groaned in his sleep, his eyebrows scrunching up. Jisung ran a finger over the wrinkles that formed between Daniel’s eyebrows. 

Daniel looked so troubled in his sleep that it made Jisung wonder whether something bad had happened today. There’s also the fact that Jisung had never seen Daniel this drunk before. 

What could’ve put that troubled look on Daniel’s face? Millions of thoughts invaded his head as he watched Daniel sleep. Looking at the clock above Daniel’s bedside table, Jisung was surprised to see that it was already nearing midnight. He had been watching Daniel sleep for over an hour. He was about to get up and leave when a hand forcefully pulled his wrist causing him to fall on top of the younger. . 

“Don’t go…stay” Daniel whispered in his sleep.

Jisung felt his heart race. That was the first time he’s heard those words come out of Daniel’s mouth. Daniel rolled over in his sleep bringing Jisung with him. Jisung’s heart was beating so quickly due to their close proximity that he was afraid that Daniel would wake up. 

Stay.

Jisung couldn’t describe just how much that word made him happy. It felt like a dream and Jisung couldn’t help the blush that made its way up his cheeks. Being in Daniel’s arms made him feel warm and fuzzy. Was this the sign that Jisung had been looking for? Was Daniel finally his? He couldn’t help the smile that crept up his face at the thought of Daniel being his. 

Jisung placed a hand on Daniel’s cheek and brought his face closer, their lips a breath away from each other. 

“I’m sorry...I love you..Jisun-ah” 

Jisung felt as if a bucket of cold water was thrown at him, his hand falling from Daniel’s face. 

Jisun.

Jisung removed himself from Daniel’s arms and got out of the bed. Everything suddenly felt wrong, being in Daniel’s arm suddenly felt wrong….like he didn’t belong there. It was as if he was touching someone else’s property. JIsung took his stuff that was still lying by the front door and quickly left Daniel’s house. He didn’t have the confidence to look at Daniel’s face without hearing his heart break into pieces. Jisung felt so stupid. He felt like an idiot thinking that it was him that Daniel wanted to stay, when in fact he was thinking of his ex-girlfriend. It didn’t take long for Jisung to reach his home as they lived in the same neighbourhood. Jisung closed the door behind him and slid his body down the door, into a crouching position. 

He thought that Daniel was finally starting to move on. That Jisung finally had a chance. When Jisung had confessed he was surprised that Daniel accepted his feelings.  He thought that maybe Daniel was starting to see him...not as his best friend but as a potential lover. But after seeing Daniel get drunk and hearing him say his ex’s name woke him up from his illusion. The illusion that Daniel felt the same way he did. That Daniel loved him romantically and not platonically. Daniel had always been a good person, always considerate of other people’s feelings. Jisung couldn’t help but laugh despite the tears that was streaming down his face. 

Daniel hated seeing his loved ones get hurt hence he accepted Jisung’s selfish request. Jisung wanted to hate him, for constantly hurting him but he didn’t have the heart to. He was the one that put himself in this situation. If there was anyone to blame, it would be him. 

But he also couldn’t let Daniel go, not when he finally had him. 

I’m sorry Niel. I’m sorry that I’m such a selfish person. I know that I should just let you go but I just can’t. I’m so sorry..

Jisung sobbed as he buried his face in his arms . Jisung cried and cried, his cries echoing throughout the empty house. He felt so cold... so alone . 

**

“Yoon Jisung” 

Jisung looked up from the book he was reading when he heard someone call his name. 

“Professor Lee is looking for you” Jisung was confused. It was rare that Professor Lee would call for him. Jisung racked his brain trying to think of a reason as to why he would be called. Did he forget to submit his papers? No, that can’t be it. There was no other reason that he could think of as to why he would be summoned. Packing his stuff in a hurry, he muttered a quick ‘thank you’ and rushed to the Professor Lee’s office. 

Jisung stood in front of the door for a while trying to calm himself. He was sure that it wasn’t anything serious but it still made him nervous. Taking a big deep breath, he gathered himself and knocked on the door. 

“Come in” a faint male voice called from inside. Jisung cautiously opened the door and stuck his head in.

“Ah! Mr Yoon. Come in and have a seat” the man said, putting away the papers that he was grading and motioned Jisung to sit on the chair in front of his desk. The man looked to be in his late 40’s, his black hair showing signs of greying at the temples. Jisung liked Professor Lee, he was a good teacher and his class  was one of his favourites, hence he always did well in his class. 

“You called for me sir?” Jisung asked, putting his bag down on the floor and taking a seat on the chair.

“There’s something that I’d like to talk to you about” he replied, removing the glasses that he was wearing and pulled out a folder from one of his desk drawers. Jisung gave him a curious look but stayed quiet. 

“A colleague of mine is a professor at Juilliard and she told me that they were looking for talented students for a drama programme they’re starting. It’s a 3 year programme and includes a full scholarship. I want you to take it” Jisung gasped as the older man pushed the folder towards Jisung. 

“M-me?” Jisung stuttered. He was so shocked at that moment that he wasn’t able to form proper words. Jisung read the name on the folder over and over again, his mind not being able to grasp the information he was just told. 

Juilliard. 

That was every aspiring actor’s dream. Jisung, in his wildest dream never expected to be given a chance to attend such a prestigious university. 

“Sir, are you sure that I’m the right person for this? I’m sure that there are others who are more suitable” Jisung was still perplexed at the whole situation. The reality still not sinking in. But he couldn’t stop the sudden burst of happiness in his chest. It had always been a dream of his to attend Juilliard and now, the chance to make that dream come true was sitting right in front of him. 

“From all the students in your class, you have the best grades and looking at your attendance I could see that you have not missed a single day of my class. You have the potential to be a great figure in the drama industry and I can see your passion and drive during group projects. From my perspective, you are very much suited for this Mr. Yoon.” Professor Lee replied clasping his hands together in front of him. 

“Could you give me some time to think this over? I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around this” Jisung asked taking the folder and reading the contents over and over again. 

“Of course, I have a week until I submit my recommendation paper so if you could give me your answer by then, that would be great.” Jisung thanked the elder before taking his leave. What should he do now? Jisung was conflicted. He was given such a rare opportunity and he doesn’t know if something like this will ever come again. Half of him wanted to take the offer but the other half felt reluctant. If he takes it, it would mean that he would be gone for 3 years. He didn’t know if he could leave his family…..or  Daniel behind for that long of a time. He needed to think about this. It’s such a big decision to make and he needs to be 100% certain of his answer. 

**

Jisung decided to talk to Daniel about Professor Lee’s offer. He had already discussed it with his family and they encouraged him to take saying that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. He was certain that Daniel would say the same thing as his family but he still wanted to talk to him about it. And after last night he knew that Daniel would be okay even if he leaves. They were friends after all. Daniel wouldn’t ask him to stay, not when he’s still in love with her.

“Niel-ah how’s your head?” Jisung asked, as him and Daniel waited for their coffee. They had just finished their morning classes and was having some drinks at a nearby cafe. Jisung had texted him earlier hoping to talk to him about Juilliard.

“I feel like death” Daniel mumbled while massaging his temple. “I hope I didn’t do or say anything weird last night” he asked looking up at Jisung. 

Yes, yes you did.

Jisung wanted to shout. To ask him why. Why was it still her? When he was right there, standing in front of him. Why won’t he look at him and see that he was willing to give him all the love he wanted. Why does he keep hurting him. He wanted to shout and scream but he held himself back. Swallowing his pain and desperation he put on a forced smile and replied. 

“No you didn’t” 

“That’s a relief” Daniel sighed, taking a sip of his iced coffee. Jisung didn’t reply, afraid that he might say something he didn’t mean. 

“Niel-ah, there’s something I want to talk to you about” Jisung started, fiddling with his drink. He didn’t know where to start. If he told him about Juilliard, he knew that Daniel would be happy for him and encourage him to go for it.  That was just the kind of person Daniel was. But a part of Jisung wanted Daniel to tell him to stay...to not leave him. 

“Hmm? What is it?” Daniel raised a curious brow, staring at Jisung. 

“Well..I was talking to Professor Lee and he-” Jisung explained but was interrupted when Daniel’s phone rang. 

“Sorry hyung, give me one second” Daniel apologised and answered the call. “Hello Ji Sun-ah..” 

Jisung’s breath hitched when he heard the name of the caller. Daniel’s voice was full of affection when he said her name and that just broke Jisung’s heart. Will he ever hear Daniel say his name with the same voice? Yes, they were together but it still felt like nothing had changed. He had never heard Daniel tell him that he loved him. Jisung would tell him ‘I love you’ over and over again hoping that one of the times Daniel would reply back the same way. But he never did, always replying with the same two words, ‘me too’. 

“What? Okay I’ll be there in 5 minutes” Daniel ended the call and stood up from his chair, ready to bolt out the door. Jisung’s hand reached out to grab Daniel’s wrist, stopping him. 

“Don’t go. Don’t leave me” Jisung pleaded, his eyes begging Daniel to not leave. To not go to her. 

Daniel bit his lip and gently removed Jisung’s hand. “I’m sorry hyung but I’ll be back soon okay. Stay here and wait for me.” Jisung’s hand fell limply to his side, his eyes staring emptily at the vacant seat in front of him. He heard the sound of bells chiming and he knew that Daniel was gone. Once again, he was cast aside. Jisung covered his face with his hands as he felt the tears coming. 

Where did everything go wrong? He thought that once he had Daniel, he would be happy...that everything will be okay. But why does he feel so broken and hurt. All he wanted was to be happy and to be loved by the one he loves. 

Why won’t Daniel choose him? He’s the one he’s in a relationship with. So why was he the one sitting there all alone. Why was he the one left behind. Jisung wanted to scream. The pain in his heart so big that he was starting to feel numb. 

Jisung forgot how long he had been sitting there crying. People must’ve thought he looked pathetic, but he didn’t care at that moment, he was too deep in his own self-pity. Jisung wiped his tears and took his stuff. He knows that Daniel told him to wait there, but Jisung couldn’t bear staying there any longer. He was far too hurt and if he saw Daniel’s face he knew that he would break even more. He needed to be alone and think. He had to think of what he truly wants. 

He wants to finally be happy. And for that to happen he needed to make a choice no matter how much it would hurt. 

**

“Where have you been?” Jisung asked as soon as Daniel entered the house. It was almost 11 pm at night and it’s been 3 hours since Daniel received a phone call and left in a hurry despite Jisung begging him to stay. 

“Look hyung, can’t we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired and I just want to get into bed” Daniel replied not even sparing Jisung a glance. 

“Did you ever love me?” 

“What?” Daniel asked finally turning around to face the older. 

“I said did you ever love me?” Jisung repeated, his voice wavering and his tired defeated eyes staring straight at Daniel.

“Hyung I don’t know why you’re suddenly acting like this, but I’m really tired. Let’s leave this until tomorrow” Daniel said tiredly, making his way to the bedroom. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about it, he was just so exhausted that all he wanted to do at that moment was jump under his covers and sleep.

“I’m tired Daniel” Jisung whispered. Daniel stopped in his tracks but didn’t reply. “I’m so so tired. I thought that I could handle it but..I can’t” he continued but stopped. Jisung took a deep breath, the first drop of tear streaming down his face. 

“Hyung..” 

“I wanted to believe it when you told me you had feelings for me. I tried to..I really did. I kept telling myself that it’s me you’re looking at, that it’s me that makes your heart race...that it’s me that you chose. How stupid of me” Jisung elicited an empty laugh, wiping the tears that kept falling. 

“As much as I wanted to delude myself of the truth, I always knew. I always knew that it was never me. It had never been me. I told myself that you just needed a bit more time. That my feelings for you was enough to make you stay. To make you look at me, but I was wrong. That was her wasn’t it?” Jisung asked although he already knew the answer. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that they had been meeting each other behind his back. 

“I can explain! I wasn’t- ” Daniel said, taking a step forward closer to where Jisung was standing. Jisung held out his hand, stopping the younger from getting any closer. 

“Why can’t it be me? Why can’t you choose me instead? I hoped and prayed that on one of these days you’ll choose me. That it’s my name, not hers, that you would call out in your dreams. But how can that be possible when I was never an option to begin with” Jisung bit his lip, biting back the loud sob threatening to come out. Daniel didn’t say anything, his head hanging low, but Jisung could see that he was crying. 

“But no matter how much I tried, I still can’t replace her. ”

“No, hyung you’re wrong-” Daniel screeched, grabbing Jisung’s wrist. 

Jisung placed his hand on top of Daniel’s, gently removing his hold on him. “Let’s not lie to ourselves anymore Niel. You never really loved me. I know you tried to but how could you, when your heart still belongs to her. This..” Jisung took a step forward and place his hand on Daniel’s chest, just above where his heart would be. “This had never been mine. It had always been hers. I accept that now, that’s why I’m setting you free.” Jisung then moved his hand to Daniel’s cheek, wiping his tears away. Jisung let out an exhausted and defeated smile. 

“Now you won’t have to choose anymore because I'll do it for you….but I want you to promise me one thing” Jisung removed his hand from Daniel’s face and stepped back. Daniel’s body stiffened at the loss of contact but he made no movement. 

“Promise me that you’ll be happy. I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me. That’s all I ask for.”

“I’m sorry..” Jisung shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry about Niel. It was just me being selfish. I confessed to you even though I knew you still weren’t over her. And yet you still accepted my selfish request…”  

“Hyung, don’t do this please. I love you please..” Daniel cried throwing himself on Jisung. A fresh batch of tears fell from Jisung’s eyes. How long had he waited to hear those three words come out of Daniel’s mouth. 

But it was too late. Jisung gently pushed Daniel away but the younger vehemently shook his head, refusing to let Jisung go. 

“Daniel” Jisung whispered softly touching Daniel’s side. “Daniel, let me go” 

“No. If I let you go, you’ll leave. No” Daniel stubbornly said, tightening his hold on Jisung. 

“Niel-ah, please” Daniel hesitated for a bit and Jisung took that opportunity to remove himself from the younger. 

“Hyung…I love you..please don’t…” Daniel cried, his eyes desperate. Jisung smiled. “I love you too Niel but your love for me doesn’t exceed that of a friend..an older brother and I’m okay with that now. I don’t regret any of it. I was able to feel even just a little, what it was like to be loved by you. So, thank you. Thank you for going along with my selfish request.”

“Jisung hyung” Daniel repeated.

“We need this. I need this. For that last few years my whole world has revolved around you, my head always full with thoughts of you. But I know where my place is now and for me to be able to return to being that kind and reliable hyung for you, I need time. Time to heal, because the me right now still needs you, still longs for you and I don’t want to keep being that person. I poured all my love for you that I forgot to leave some for myself.” Jisung took Daniel’s hand, placing a small box on his palm. 

“I was planning on giving this to you on Valentines but it seems that we won’t be able to celebrate it together. You can throw it away if you want to, it’s yours to do what you want. Be happy Niel, that’s all I ask for and don’t worry one day I will be too” Jisung put both hands on Daniel’s shoulders, pushing himself up to place a chaste kiss on the younger’s cheek. Jisung hurriedly took a step back and grabbed his bag on the floor. He needed to leave, the longer he stayed there, the harder it would get to leave. 

“Don’t go! Please” Jisung closed his eyes. He could hear the panic and desperation in Daniel’s cries but he had to be firm. He chose this and he has to stand by it. They were both hurting and this was the best decision Jisung could come up with. Not allowing Daniel a chance to hold him back, Jisung rushed out of the house, not looking back. 

The minute Jisung got into the elevator, the power and strength he had left vanished. Jisung slid his body down the wall as he felt his legs weakened. And that was when he broke down. The pain and hurt that he had been hiding inside him pouring out. 

Was loving someone supposed to be this painful? 

Why...

Why...

Why..

Why did it have to be him. All he wanted was his own happy ending but he was too naïve. For it to be a happy ending he needed to be happy and Jisung didn’t feel happy. He was broken. It’s amazing how one person can break you into pieces without them even realising it and Jisung got the first-hand experience of how painful love can be. 

But Jisung also knew that his happiness was up to him. If he wanted to be happy he would need to make a change, this time he would prioritise his own happiness. And with that newly found determination Jisung dialled a number that had been plaguing his head for days now. 

“Hello, Professor. It’s me Yoon Jisung. I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided to take the offer. But I have a favour to ask..please don’t let anyone know of my departure.” He was finally taking the first steps to his own happiness. Jisung didn’t know how long it would take but he was determined. It would be a big lie if it didn’t pain him to leave Daniel behind but if he wanted to face Daniel again with confidence he needs time away from him. He wasn’t sure how long it would take but he was going to take as long as he needed. He will never fully heal but he’ll use this pain to become a better person. He would be a Yoon Jisung that would not need to depend on other people’s love. 

A Yoon Jisung that’s truly happy.