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It starts, unfortunately, when Nicky’s watching Naruto.
After arguing with Aaron for a laughably long time over whether to watch the dubbed or subbed version, the cousins settle on subtitles. Neil tuned out the argument after Nicky started shouting, but he can see the screen from his room because the door’s cracked open. It’s quiet enough to be inaudible, which is lucky because Andrew is sleeping and Neil would go and unplug the TV if he thought that it might wake Andrew up.
Neil has homework to do, but Andrew is curled up on the bed beside him and rarely does he get to stare at Andrew without the response of, “Staring.” His blond hair is arranged in a halo around his head and his lips are slightly parted. He clutches the blankets with a death grip. It’s adorable, though he’d never admit that to Andrew’s face.
Neil hears a shout from the other room. “Get off me, Nicky, I swear to—”
“Give me the remote, Aaron Minyard—”
“It’s Japanese dialogue, we don’t need the volume up, asshole—”
“It’s for the ambiance, Aaron—”
There’s a scuffling noise, and then the volume of the TV increases. Andrew blinks awake and makes eye contact with Neil. “Why are you still here?”
Neil shrugs. “Didn’t want to wake you up. And if I went out there I’d have to watch Naruto.”
Andrew listens to the TV blaring for a moment and glares. “Shut the door and come here.”
Neil goes to close the door, but Nicky calls out, “Neil! Come watch Naruto with us.”
“Fuck off,” Neil snaps. He moves to shut the door, but pauses. The Japanese dialogue of the show filters into the room, and for half a second, Neil can’t breathe.
Riko spoke Japanese a lot in the Nest. Some of the older Ravens spoke it, and they would go on and on while they beat Neil black and blue. He tries to pull himself together before Andrew notices, but suddenly Andrew is at his side, hovering with a look of concern. Neil shuts the door with a slam and throws himself onto the bed. Andrew follows more slowly and puts a hand on Neil’s arm.
“What’s wrong.” There’s no intonation to make it a question, but Neil hears the concern anyway.
“I’m fine,” Neil mutters, turning away.
Andrew lies down beside him and removes his hand. “Neil.”
“Andrew.”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes.”
Andrew wraps an arm around Neil’s waist and pulls him close. “Neil. What’s wrong.”
“It’s nothing,” Neil says with more force than necessary. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Andrew presses a kiss to Neil’s hair. “Now or ever?”
“Ever.”
“Neil…” The rest of Andrew’s sentence is obvious.
Neil hesitantly whispers, “They spoke Japanese at the Nest. Riko would tell the Ravens to do things to me in Japanese so I wouldn’t know what to expect.”
“You’re not in the Nest, Neil,” Andrew murmurs. “You’re in our room at PSU and Riko is dead. He can’t hurt you.” Neil turns over and presses his face into Andrew’s chest. Andrew keeps talking until he can unclench his fists. Later, when they get out of bed, Andrew will touch the bloody half-moons on Neil’s palms where his nails dug in and kiss them better, but for now, they just sleep.
More than a year later, the Foxes are hosting the Fall Banquet. They’re seated with the Trojans, luckily. The Ravens are on the other side of the court, though they wouldn’t dare start anything with them while their pride is so wounded.
Neil sits between Andrew and Kevin. Andrew’s hand is on his thigh under the table while Neil and Jeremy argue about the likelihood of the Boston Rebels making it to the playoffs this year. Jean and Kevin are having a low, heated discussion, but Neil isn’t paying attention.
Andrew gets up to talk to Renee and squeezes Neil’s thigh in farewell. Beside him, Jean and Kevin’s discussion turns into rapid French. Neil tunes in now, and hears something about the Ravens before he tries to stop listening and looks around for Andrew’s presence. Jeremy cuts in with some badly-accented French, so Kevin switches Japanese. Jean responds with equal ire, and it’s too much. Jean, no matter how much it weren’t true, reminds him of his time in the Nest, and with both him and Kevin speaking Japanese, Neil needs to go . He stands up abruptly, wincing as his chair makes a screeching sound against the floor, and walks away, not caring about where. Andrew quickly follows him and they end up just outside the stadium. Neil doesn’t quite remember getting there. He leans back against the wall and tilts his head up to the sky.
“Jean and Kevin were speaking Japanese,” Neil whispers, refusing to look at Andrew.
Andrew stands in front of Neil. “Look at me, sweetheart.” The endearment is so rare and delectable that Neil listens. “Jean is here for the banquet, that’s all. We’re in the Foxhole Court. No one can hurt you here. I won’t let them.”
Neil nods and rubs at his eyes ineffectually. “I don’t want this,” he says, not totally sure of what this is.
“I know, baby,” Andrew says softly. “I’ll kill Kevin.” At Neil’s glare, he amends, “I’ll talk to him.”
“Will talking to him include knives?” Neil asks. His voice is rough and uneven, but Andrew knows better than to comment.
“Only if Kevin is difficult,” Andrew says. He laces one hand in Neil’s hair and holds his waist with the other. “Do you think I would let anyone touch you, Neil?”
Neil shakes his head. “No.”
“No one will ever put their hands on you if you don’t want them to again,” Andrew promises, breath ghosting over Neil’s ear. Neil presses his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck.
“It’s just a language. I like languages,” Neil mutters. “I shouldn’t be so affected.”
Andrew pulls away just far enough so that when he tilts Neil’s head up, their foreheads are touching. “It’s not just anything. It was a language that was used to manipulate you when you were being tortured.”
Neil lets out a shaky breath. Tears threaten to spill over. “I don’t want to go back in. I’m tired of this, Andrew.”
“Of what?”
“I hate that hearing someone speak Japanese makes me freak out. That’s so fucking stupid, Andrew, I don’t care if I have a reason for it, I hate it,” he hisses. “I should be able to get through one banquet without having a breakdown.”
Andrew rolls his eyes. “Shut up. I’m going to tell Wymack we’re leaving. Do you want me to send Matt out while you wait?” Neil shakes his head, and Andrew leaves. Usually, no one’s allowed to get out of banquets, but the speeches have been made and dinner is nearly over, so Neil figures they’ve made enough of an appearance for one day.
Andrew returns a few minutes later. They drive back to Fox Tower and strip out of their stuffy suits. Andrew lets Neil curl up with him on his bunk and they fall asleep tangled together from head to toe.
Neil has been told in good faith that he’ll be chosen for US Court in the next Olympics.
It has also been announced that the Olympics will be held in Japan.
Andrew, who is still playing for another team, calls immediately.
“It’s late over there. You should go to sleep,” Neil says.
“Neil,” Andrew snaps. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what?” Neil hisses. He’s seeing a therapist now; he has been for more than a year. Still, it’s slow going, and on days like this it feels pointless. He suspects this is what he’ll be talking to her about up until the Olympics come around. The thought makes him feel sick.
“Shut up, asshole. Are you going to be okay? If you don’t want to go, we won’t go,” Andrew says, and all of Neil’s anger and frustration melts. If Neil doesn’t want to go to the Olympics, Andrew is willing to give up on it too.
“I want to go, Andrew, I just…” he sighs. “It’s going to be hard.” His therapist, Ella, would be proud of him for admitting that. “And who knows what Ichirou would do if I skipped out on US Court.”
Ichirou himself is the root of a whole host of issues for Neil. On top of the fact that he dictates whether Neil lives or dies, being in an enclosed space with him while he speaks Japanese with his underlings is triggering; the darkness and anxiety reminds him too much of the Nest.
“Talk to Ella,” Andrew advises. His words resemble a suggestion but his tone sounds commanding; Neil knows it comes from a place of love.
“I will,” he promises. “We have time.”
The Olympics roll around much faster than Neil would have liked. Before he knows it, he and Andrew are boarding the plane to Tokyo. Neil spends the flight comforting and distracting Andrew. It’s enough to tear his thoughts away from the upcoming arrival in Japan, but soon enough, the flight attendant announces that they will be landing soon.
Neil manages to hold it together until they get their luggage. While they start to pull their suitcases away from baggage claim, a father walking beside them starts to speak in loud, harsh tones to his daughter. Neil thinks distantly that Japanese is a beautiful language, and maybe in another life he’d have liked to learn it, but right now Andrew is pulling him through the throng of people, toward the wall. A crowd of English tourists ends up between Andrew and Neil and the majority of people, so with any luck no fans will bother them.
It’s not a panic attack. Neil’s panic attacks still occur, but much less often than they used to. He just feels… hollow. He’s going to the Olympics with his boyfriend, he needed to bring a suitcase to hold all of his belongings, and everyone around them is speaking Japanese.
“What’s going on, Neil?” Andrew asks. They’re sitting on the filthy ground, cross-legged across from one another.
Neil shrugs. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Andrew puts a hand on the back of Neil’s neck and the pressure drains out of him. “You need to stop letting him control you. This is your dream.”
“I don’t know how I got this far,” Neil admits. “We’re going to the Olympics and I’m freaking out in an airport because everyone’s speaking fucking Japanese.”
“You’re not freaking out,” Andrew reminds him. “This isn’t a panic attack. That’s progress, sweetheart.”
Neil leans forward and Andrew shifts so he can hold Neil’s head to his chest. “I’m not having a panic attack yet. I’m a mess, baby,” Neil mumbles.
“You’re fine, Neil,” Andrew says, and then pinches him lightly at Neil’s laugh. “You’ll survive.” He pulls Neil up so they’re face to face and kisses him briefly. “Come on, idiot, we have the Olympics to get to.”