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all alone.
hongbin's eyes are downcast, gaze tossed to the ground like a coin in a well. speaking in morse, his fingers tremor taps against his kneecaps. they speak of profound pain.
the only thing worse than the pain of breaking, hongbin thinks as he swallows thickly, is the pain of being broken.
"are you listening to me?"
hongbin is listening, but he has more important concerns at hand. like the fact that they are drowning, dancing their deaths ten feet under in the clearest water.
and yet, he feels dirty.
"i am." he hears himself confirm, but he doesn't lift his gravitated gaze from the ground -- it's too heavy.
his fingers are sticky as they rap against his bones. each tactile touch serves as a reminder, pinging pain through his strained skeleton. it's nothing he's not felt before, the multitudes of scars his arms harbor a reminder of that.
"then look at me." he hears taekwoon say, as if he can hear his thoughts -- as if he was sent to hongbin make him second guess them.
hongbin then chooses that moment to stay silent, save for the sound of the drumming on his knees. see, the thing about the schism of two hearts is this: context doesn't matter, reasons do not matter, timing does not matter. tearing one being into two will always bring pain.
"hongbin."
and right now, that's all hongbin can focus on. the pain in his chest and the pain in his papercut fingers, which are running red down the knobs of his knees.
and yet, he's blue.
"i can't believe this actually happened." taekwoon sounds sad, like he's given up. hongbin lets out a little sigh, a gust of empathy in a puff of air. how he hated to see the other boy pout so pessimistically.
"hongbin, you're not taking this seriously. i-- " he sounds hopeless, helpless, hapless.
"i can't do this anymore." when taekwoons voice cracks, it's like a firework, and everything slows. hongbin's head snaps up so quickly he can feel his heart lurch in his chest, and what he sees makes him burn from breast to back.
taekwoon's face is stained with tear-trails, trials and tribulations untold and witheld written clear across his face. the sudden realization of his own self-centeredness crushes hongbin when he realizes he'd never once thought to ask taekwoon how he was feeling.
how else would taekwoon feel, watching the man he loved crumble bit by bit? destroy himself and everything around him until he's turned them all to shit? it must have been hard, hongbin thinks, to bear a burden for the sake of love.
eternity flashes behind his eyes, and suddenly he realizes they're flying blind. taekwoon's had enough, and he's leaving him behind.
he'd thought taekwoon could handle it, since he'd not caught wind of his despair, but in this moment hongbin realized things were shattered beyond repair.
he'd thought they had forever, but in that moment, hongbin realized taekwoon was an hourglass, and their time had been limited from the start. he feels his heart gushing.
"what do you mean?" he manages to choke out, absolutely shocked at the clarity of his voice.
"you're not getting better. you hurt yourself. i thought things were bad, but--" taekwoon withdraws a breath, stealing air like he's no claim to it.
"this- this isn't working." to see this pillar of strength fall to his knees before him, to hear him choke and hold back a sob as he spoke to hongbin, it destroyed him. his body was in shock, trying to process the months and months of pain that he'd never fathomed taekwoon could have felt.
"taekwoon, i had no idea you were this worried about me. im so sorry i put you through this stress." hongbin tries to comfort him, tries to take on the role normally reserved for taekwoon. and the flip feels wrong, like he's wearing a wet glove. tears streak his cheeks.
for a moment, taekwoon says nothing, deciding to dangle time before hongbin's eyes. his heart thuds in anticipation as taekwoon crosses the space between them to crouch down before the bloodied boy.
"i love you." taekwoon breathes, and hongbin's heart ignites. the fire is familiar, and it's strong enough to consume the concern and worry with something much less wholesome -- hope.
taekwoon touches a hand to his face, and hongbin finds himself leaning info the touch, never able to get enough of it. his eyes flutter closed, and for a moment, it's just them: suspended in one second of saccarine serenity.
"i love you too." hongbin finds the sound leave his body before he can even control it.
when taekwoon's hand leaves his face, hongbin's eyelashes flutter open, like he's waking up to a nightmare. taekwoon's face is newly wet, shining with salt.
"but i can't do this."
it's like a switch. hongbin's entire body goes cold -- from feeling so much at once to feeling nothing at all. it's like paint draining from his body, bleeding the color away until he's nothing but grey.
empty.
he's so in shock, he can't even feel sad. just as well, because it's barely a moment before taekwoon gets up and dusts his pants off, pulling himself into a squatting position to look down at hongbin.
"you need help, binnie. and i can't give that to you."