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Jensen hasn’t slept a wink all night, so when his phone rings at five AM, he answers it before another heartbeat passes.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“How did it go?” Heart in his throat, Jensen doesn’t know what answer to wish for. His heart is breaking for Jared, and yet…
“Can you just come get me?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll be right there.”
++++++++
He’d known this was coming. Jared and Sandy had been struggling for a while now. She was great and Jared was head over heels for her, but she just didn’t… love him like he loved her. Need him like he needed her. Jared had tried so hard to be everything for her, and it just wasn’t happening.
Of all people, Jensen knew what it was like to love someone, and not have them love you back.
++++++++
It only takes Jared one trip to bring everything out to Jensen’s truck. Sandy had never really made room for him in her life.
“I’ve never been homeless before,” Jared says, trying to make light of the situation.
“And you never will be,” Jensen answers. Because his own house is never “home” unless Jared is there.
“It hurts,” Jared says, his voice broken. “I tried so fucking hard. I love her, even now.”
Jared’s always been the optimist. Always believing that no matter what you wanted, if you tried hard enough, if your heart was really in it, it would come to you. He’s baffled, doesn’t understand how his love wasn’t enough.
It would be so easy to offer him platitudes… it just wasn’t the right time… she doesn’t deserve you… you deserve someone who loves you back. Jensen doesn’t say any of these things though. They’ve been friends for too long, he knows Jared too well to think that they’d do any good. Sometimes, you’re just heartbroken and it sucks, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Also, he’s too scared of how true that last one is—you deserve someone who loves you back. Too scared of how those words would sound coming from his lips. Too scared to hope that Jared would hear the words between those words.
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Jared helps Jensen with the morning chores, tossing bales of hay down from the loft. It’s an easy rhythm between the two of them, a familiar routine. Jensen has lived on this farm all his life, which means that Jared half lived on it for most of his life as well.
“So, how’s it going with you?” he asks.
“Same-old, same-old,” Jensen replies. Doesn’t say what’s in his heart, which is the right person will come along. In fact, he’s already here. Instead, “I can’t believe how strong you are Jay. She never would have made you leave if you wanted to stay. You don’t even know how amazing that makes you.”
Jared stops in front of one of the stalls and lets a chestnut-brown mare nuzzle his palm. “That wouldn’t have been fair to her,” he says. “But also, as much as this hurts, I had to do it. Sometimes you gotta just be brave, you know?”
Those words knock around in Jensen’s head for the rest of the day.
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That night, they do what they used to do when they were teenagers and Jensen first got the truck. They drive way, way out back, far enough into the back country so that the lights of Austin are just tiny specks on the horizon and the stars feel a few million miles closer.
They lay in the flatbed and watch the sky and don’t say anything for a long time.
“Look at that,” Jared says at last. “Makes you feel like anything is possible, doesn’t it?”
If only, Jensen thinks. He wishes with exactly half of his heart that this could be enough for him. Jared has been his best friend since before he can remember. They’ve had a hundred nights like this. And laughter. And days when they just hung out and did nothing, because doing nothing was better when they were together.
But the other half of his heart wishes for something completely different. Laying here, next to Jared, what he wants is so strong he can practically feel it pulling him, drawing him to close those few inches between his body and Jared’s.
Sometimes, you gotta just be brave, you know?
“Hey, Jay,” Jensen says softly, not feeling brave at all. Feeling terrified out of his mind.
Jared rolls over onto his side, props up his head on his elbow. “Yeah, Jen?”
“There’s something I have to tell you…”