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“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”
Carson is standing next to Neil, the two of them studying their reflections in the bathroom mirror.
Neil places his hand on his stomach. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“What?” Carson turns to him, a concerned look on his face. “We haven’t even started drinking.” He places both hands on Neil’s shoulders, squeezing gently. “Listen, I know this is scary, but you’ve got this. Andrew will be there the entire time and honestly? No one is gonna fuck with you while he’s around, am I right?”
Neil laughs. There’s still a sour feeling in his stomach but he knows Carson’s right.
“It’s a big step,” Neil says, fiddling with his tie. There are so many things he’s anxious about: going to a dance, making his relationship with Andrew public, letting his queer flag fly for the entire school to see. He hasn’t done a good job of keeping his head down this year but this… he’ll be on everyone’s radar after tonight. He doesn’t tell Carson, though, no need to dampen his friend’s good mood.
Carson gives Neil an affectionate pat on the cheek and turns back to examining his reflection. Carson looks amazing in his deep purple tux. His hair – which he’s been growing out since Christmas – is tied back in a low ponytail. He’s wearing makeup, too, eyeliner, dark eye shadow, and just enough lipstick to make a statement.
“I’m just glad that this year I’m not the only boy bringing a guy to prom,” Carson says. He licks his thumb and smoothes it over his impeccable eyebrows.
Neil touches his hair self-consciously. Carson’s sister styled it for him – and lined his eyes – and he feels like he’s looking at a stranger. Neil Josten 2.0. He hopes that Andrew likes it.
“What was it like last year?” Neil asks. He turns his back and hops up on the sink, watching Carson.
“Kinda shitty,” Carson admits. “You know how it is, no one did anything major but there were the looks and the things people said, just loud enough to hear but not loud enough for the chaperones to notice. Plus you’re dancing to all these hetero love songs, surrounded by people who aren’t like you. It felt like I was making a statement instead of just enjoying the moment like everyone else. I stuck it out for an hour and then dragged my date to Eden’s. The night definitely got better after that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Eh. It’s getting better, I think. And not everyone was a troll. My friends and the team made me and Hector feel a part of it.” Carson nudges Neil’s knee with his hip and grins. “We’ll be fine! This year is going to be epic! I can’t believe you talked Minyard into going.”
Neil snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah, me either. It was mostly his cousin, though. Nicky really wanted Andrew to go to prom last year so he was campaigning hard to get us to go. He wants Andrew to have that moment, or whatever. Plus I think he wants to live vicariously through us since he didn’t get to be out at prom.”
“Ugh yeah.” Carson does one last check and then leads Neil into the family room for pictures. “Nicky’s parents sound like a nightmare. I’m lucky, man. My parents are Catholic but they told me that my happiness was what was most important to them. We still go to mass and everything but they’ve never tried to change me.”
“Of course not, mijo.” Mrs. Ramirez says. She enters the room carrying a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Mrs. Ramirez has a compulsion for feeding Neil. He’s actually gained a few pounds this year thanks to all the meals and snacks he’s had at Carson’s house. “You are perfect just the way you are.” She kisses Carson’s cheek and blows a kiss to Neil. “You boys look fantastic. Just wait until your dates see you!”
The butterflies return with a vengeance. Neil’s seen pictures of Andrew dressed up before and, well, his boyfriend is pretty spectacular. This is the first time in his life that Neil’s put on a tuxedo and it feels weird. He feels like someone else, like he doesn’t belong in his own skin. Carson’s entire family has been fawning over him since he tried it on at the store but Neil only cares about what Andrew will think.
“Do you think I should have gone with a different color?” Neil asks. Black feels boring compared to Carson’s purple tux.
“Black is classic,” Juliana says. She saunters into the room and throws herself on the couch. “Though I am positive that you could have rocked the pastel pink tux like a boss. I would have paid you to wear that tux.”
Neil blushes. “I really would stick out then,” he mutters.
Juliana shrugs. “You’ll stick out regardless. You’re too pretty to go unnoticed, Neil.”
“Uh.”
“Hey! Quit hitting on my friend!” Carson interjects, his mouth full of cookie, making his words difficult to understand. “Only I get to hit on him.”
Juliana rolls her eyes and snaps a few pictures of Neil. “Andrew’s gonna die when he sees you.”
“Um.” Neil’s sweating, his stomach too tied up for him to even try the cookies. “Excuse me a moment.”
Neil rushes out of the room, making his way to the back door. Once outside he squats down and puts his face between his knees, taking steadying breaths. His heart is pounding. What was he thinking? Going to prom? With his college boyfriend? His badass, infamous, insanely cool boyfriend? His mother would murder him for this. Acid burns the back of his throat and Neil nearly gags.
“Neil?” A quiet voice breaks into his budding panic attack. “Are you okay?”
It’s Carson’s younger brother, Ezra.
“Hey, Ez,” Neil wheezes. He keeps his head down, worried he’ll be sick if he opens his eyes or moves.
Ezra moves closer and kneels down beside Neil. “Are you freaking out?”
Neil swallows hard. “A little.”
“Don’t worry,” Ezra says quietly, “Carson will look out for you. It won’t be bad.”
“Hmm.” Neil breathes through the tight feeling in his chest.
“But, like, you don’t have to go,” Ezra continues. “You shouldn’t force yourself if you really don’t want to go.” He sounds anxious and Neil can’t have that.
“I want to go,” Neil says. He sits up slowly and gives Ezra a small smile. “I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t know… what to expect, I guess.” He fumbles in his pocket for his emergency pack of cigarettes. It’s the brand that Andrew likes. “Mind if I smoke?”
Ezra wrinkles his nose. “If you must.”
Neil stands and lights up, breathing the smoke away from Ezra. He holds the cigarette between his fingers and inhales the smoke, watching the ash form. He says a silent apology to his mother.
There’s a soft click click and Neil looks over to find Ezra snapping pictures with his phone. Ezra grins.
“Sorry, you just look pretty cool right now.”
Neil flushes. It’s a little overwhelming when the entire Ramirez family acts like this towards him. He tugs at his tie.
“I might look cool but I’m sweating like crazy in this.”
Ezra laughs. “No shit, dude. It’s hot as balls out here.”
Neil raises an eyebrow. Ezra’s only a few years younger than Carson but to Neil he seems extra young, too young to be cussing and talking about balls.
“Don’t let your mom hear you say that,” he warns. Ezra just rolls his eyes.
Neil finishes his cigarette, hiding the butt in a Coke can that Carson left in the bushes for just this purpose. Ezra chatters about his summer plans and the movie he wants to see, the comics he’s reading, and asks what Neil thinks about the X-Men. Neil’s been getting a major pop culture crash course thanks to Nicky and Carson’s family; he knows enough to tell Ezra that his favorite mutant is the blue one that teleports.
They go back inside and Neil finds that Carson’s date, Jaime, has arrived. He and Carson are taking pictures in the family room. Jaime’s a full head shorter than Carson with a lean build and a face that Nicky has described as “elfin.” Neil waves hello and goes to stand with Mr. Ramirez and Juliana while Mrs. Ramirez takes a million pictures. After the serious poses Carson scoops up Jaime and dips him, going for a dramatic kiss. Jaime shrieks and clings to Carson, yelling at him.
“Sorry, Pint,” Carson says, kissing Jaime’s cheek and setting him back down. “I had to.”
Jaime growls and pulls Carson down by his tie and head butts him, but very gently, careful not to mess up Carson’s hair. “You brute,” Jaime teases. Carson beams.
The front doorbell rings and Neil’s heart leaps. Everyone turns to stare at him with matching, obnoxious smiles.
“Go on,” Mr. Ramirez says. He gives Neil an encouraging pat on the back.
Neil swallows and rubs his sweaty hands against his pants. He tells himself that it’s not a big deal, it’s just Andrew. Andrew, his boyfriend. He grips the doorknob and feels a weird frisson of sadness and relief that this is his life – greeting his prom date not at his biological family’s home but at the home of his best friend and his found family.
The door swings open and there’s Andrew. Neil’s heart surges and his neck goes hot. Andrew looks like he was born to wear a tux. Neil can’t even quantify the hotness level; his flustered brain unable to process just how good Andrew looks.
Andrew is eyeing him, too, his slow gaze traveling down Neil’s body and making him blush even harder. Neil stands perfectly still, unsure of what to do. Andrew approaches him slowly, like he can sense that Neil is on the verge of a breakdown. He stops when he reaches the step up to the front door. Neil’s always had several inches on Andrew but now, from the top of the step, he’s at least half a foot taller. It makes his heart feel funny, having this much of a height advantage, having Andrew looking up at him.
“You look amazing,” Andrew says, voice low and a little rough.
Neil feels the words sink in, thrilling and dangerous. He sucks in a quick breath, his gaze fixing on Andrew’s mouth.
“Th-thanks,” he stammers, totally overwhelmed. It feels like all the blood has gone to his head, his cheeks feel terribly warm. “Andrew… you… can I kiss you?”
“I don’t know, can you?” Andrew teases. He bites his lower lip and Neil dies a little.
“Andrew.”
“Yes, Neil.” Andrew reaches up, cupping the back of Neil’s neck, and pulls him down. Neil’s trembling hands go to Andrew’s shoulders, holding on lightly. He feels lightheaded, unsteady.
The kiss is short but intense. Neil tries to prolong it but Andrew steps back and places his hand over Neil’s mouth.
“We’re not a free show for the neighbors, Josten,” Andrew reminds him. “Besides, I’m sure Carson’s mom will want to take pictures and you don’t want to look too wrecked, right?”
Wrecked Neil mouths silently. That’s a good word for it.
“Yeah,” he whispers. What he really wants is to go somewhere, anywhere, and be alone with Andrew.
Andrew takes his hand and Neil leads him into the house and the family room. They find Carson sitting on the love seat with Jaime in his lap feeding him chocolate chip cookies while Juliana films them. Ezra and Carson’s parents are all talking about Ezra’s plans to spend the night with his friends. It’s so loud that it takes them a moment to notice that Neil and Andrew have joined them. Carson spots them first and yells out a greeting to Andrew. The rest of the family turns and then it’s chaos for several minutes as Mrs. Ramirez plies Andrew with cookies and the Ramirez siblings all try to talk to Andrew at once and Jaime grabs Neil and starts taking a million selfies. Mr. Ramirez finally calls them to order, reminding them that prom starts in half an hour.
“Neil, Andrew, let’s get some pictures, okay?” Mrs. Ramirez says. “You both are so handsome!”
“Thank you,” Andrew says politely and Neil beams. Andrew’s never polite to adults so he’s pleased that Andrew is making an effort. But then, who wouldn’t want to behave when surrounded by such a welcoming family?
What follows is twenty minutes of picture taking that severely tries Neil’s patience and makes him rethink his policy on politeness. Carson and Jaime make it fun, though. By the time they’re finished Neil doesn’t think his face can withstand any more smiling. Andrew, predictably, kept his facial expressions to a minimum and thankfully Mrs. Ramirez didn’t give him grief for it.
After a brief and heartfelt reminder to be safe and have fun, Mr. and Mrs. Ramirez let them go. Carson and Jaime climb into the backseat of Andrew’s car and Neil gets in the front seat. They’re barely out of the driveway before Carson and Jaime are making out, Jaime giggling softly as Carson crowds against him. Neil rolls his eyes and turns the volume up on the radio. Blink-182’s “All the Small Things” fills the car and Neil looks over at Andrew, grinning. Andrew’s lips twitch in a small smile and he reaches over and ruffles Neil’s hair, messing up all of Juliana’s hard work.
The parking lot of Richland High is packed and limousines and other fancy vehicles are queued up in front of the school. Andrew parks in the first available spot and they join the other students heading for the doors. It feels surreal to see everyone all dressed up and going into their school. Carson told him that some high schools rent out fancy places like aquariums or country clubs for prom but that that wasn’t an option for their student body. The rich kids bitched about having prom in the gym but Neil couldn’t care less. At least here he’ll be on familiar turf.
As they approach the entrance Andrew takes Neil’s hand and laces their fingers together. Some of the tension in Neil’s body disappears and he leans against Andrew for a moment, feeling reassured. Andrew seems completely calm while Neil feels like a total basket case. He’s glad one of them has it together.
Carson holds his arm out for Jaime and Jaime sticks his tongue out and links his arm with Carson’s. Neil has to admit that they’re unspeakably cute. Jaime’s got on a black tux and a tie that matches his short blue hair. His piercings gleam when he smiles and Carson stares at him like he’s never seen anything better.
Neil finds himself smiling as he watches his friend. This entire year would have been miserable without Carson at his side day in and day out. He’d never even be here if it wasn’t for Carson. He’d never have been brave enough to go to Eden’s when Andrew invited him. He would have missed his chance to get to know Andrew.
Andrew’s the best surprise of Neil’s life. Before Andrew Neil had never thought he’d be capable of having a relationship. He’d never really liked anyone before and it had been a shock to realize that he was developing feelings for Andrew Minyard, a guy who was so far out of his league that it was laughable.
They reach the door and Andrew hands their tickets to Neil’s math teacher, Ms. Choi. She smiles at them and tells them to have a good time. Neil squeezes Andrew’s hand hard as they make their way towards the gym. The music is loud and echoing down the hall, mixing with the excited chatter of the students. The hall narrows to a point and Neil feels his chest getting tight again. He’s used to the crowds at the Exy games and at Eden’s Twilight; they have an anonymity that lets him relax. But here he’s surrounded by classmates and he feels exposed, like there’s a bright red target on his back.
The hallway narrows even more and it’s all Neil can do to follow Andrew and put one foot in front of the other.
Andrew looks at him and frowns.
“Doing okay?” he asks softly.
Neil nods and shrugs. “A little overwhelmed.”
“Keep your eyes on me,” Andrew tells him. “If it gets to be too much we’ll take a break, alright? We can leave at any time.”
“Okay.” Neil sucks in a deep breath and closes his eyes for a second, following Andrew blindly. When he opens his eyes they’re standing just inside the gym near the wall. Carson and Jaime are next to them, holding hands and whispering happily.
“Hey, we’re gonna go dance,” Carson says to Neil and Andrew. “You guys good?”
Andrew nods. “We’re taking a minute. You go on. If you need me I’m got my phone on vibrate.”
“Awesome! See y’all out there.” Carson smiles widely and pulls Jaime towards the dance floor.
Neil watches them disappear into the throng and feels a brief pang of panic. He fights against the urge to keep an eye on them, to make sure they’re safe. He tells himself to relax and take Andrew’s advice.
It’s a struggle but Neil turns his back on the room and focuses on Andrew. As always his anxiety starts to ease when he fixes his attention on Andrew. His boyfriend is so wonderfully distracting.
Andrew is grimacing slightly and glaring at the DJ. Neil snorts. “A bit different from Eden’s?” he teases.
“God,” Andrew groans. “We might have to leave if they keep playing this.”
“Oh, it could be worse,” Neil says. “It could be country.”
“Don’t,” Andrew warns, placing his finger against Neil’s lips. “You’ll jinx us.”
Neil kisses Andrew’s finger and Andrew pokes his cheek in retaliation.
“C’mon,” Andrew says, “let’s get punch or whatever and find a table. I think I see some of your teammates sitting over there.”
Neil follows Andrew’s gaze and finds a couple tables surrounded by players from Richland’s Exy team.
“Could we, um, sit somewhere less crowded?” Neil asks, raising his voice to be heard over the music. His teammates all know that he’s dating Andrew and they’re supportive but he doesn’t want to hear more of their innuendo and teasing, especially not on prom night.
“Sure,” Andrew agrees easily.
They collect their glasses of punch and find a free table. At first it’s awkward, Neil worried that Andrew will be bored, but soon they’re deep in conversation just like it’s any night when Neil goes with Andrew’s lot to Eden’s, but minus the alcohol. The punch stains Andrew’s lips red and his cheeks are flushed from the heat of the gym. It’s a very good look.
Carson and Jaime find them eventually. They’re both sweaty and breathless. Carson begs Andrew for his keys and Andrew surrenders them with a strict warning not to make a mess in his car. Carson gives his word and then he and Jaime are rushing out of the gym hand in hand. Neil blushes furiously. He’s not an idiot but he sort of likes to pretend that everyone’s not as sexually active as they claim to be.
“Hey,” Andrew says. Neil looks up and tries to hide his expression. “Smoke break?”
“Oh, fuck yes,” Neil says earnestly. He’s not sure he can withstand more visuals of his classmates grinding on each other to the Black Eyed Peas.
Andrew laughs. “Easy there, tiger.”
They sneak out one of the side doors while the teacher monitoring it goes off to break up a couple that’s getting too frisky. The lights are off with only the emergency lights providing a dim glow. They wind their way through the halls and end up at the back of the school. Andrew props the door open with a brick and walks into a deep pocket of shadow between the school and a locked storage building. He leans against the storage building and Neil tosses him the cigarettes. Andrew catches them and grins.
“My favorite kind.”
Neil shrugs. “Least I could do. I really appreciate you being here tonight. I didn’t want to come but Nicky… he said I would regret it if I didn’t go.”
Andrew lights his cigarette and takes a long drag before passing it to Neil. “Nicky’s projecting,” he says gruffly. “But it doesn’t matter, I’m happy to be here with you, Neil.”
“Even though it’s not your scene?” Neil inhales the smoke and hands the cigarette back to Andrew.
“That’s an understatement,” Andrew mutters, “but it’s not your scene, either.” He waves the cigarette through the air, gesturing towards the school. “It’s just some bullshit American rite of passage. Or it’s whatever you want it to be.”
Neil leans against Andrew. “I think I’m mostly here for Carson, you know? I did like getting ready and I like this, being with you.” Neil clears his throat and says quietly, “You look good. I don’t think I said that earlier, at Carson’s house.”
Andrew reaches for Neil and tilts his chin towards him. “You don’t say things like that often.”
“I…” Neil’s voice catches. Andrew’s face is so close that he could kiss him if he moved just the smallest bit. “I should tell you… more. You’re the only person I like to look at.”
Andrew smiles. “I’ve noticed.”
Neil touches Andrew’s jaw, running his fingertips over its hard, sharp edge. Andrew takes another drag and leans in, his mouth hovering over Neil’s. He exhales the smoke and Neil opens his mouth, sucking it in. When he exhales Andrew kisses him, pressing him against the wall. Neil closes his eyes and slides his hands behind Andrew’s neck; his fingers dig into Andrew’s hair. Andrew drops the still smoldering cigarette and places his strong hands on Neil’s waist, pulling him in closer.
This time there’s no need to rush, no one to hide from. Andrew kisses Neil until Neil’s so weak that it’s only Andrew’s hold that’s keeping him upright. There’s no space between them and it’s unbearably hot but Neil doesn’t want to stop kissing Andrew for however long it would take to shuck off their jackets. Andrew eventually breaks the kiss and presses his cheek against Neil’s, his breathing labored; Neil can feel the rapid thud of Andrew’s heart and he feels so full of feelings that he can hardly stand it. He dips his head down and buries his face in Andrew’s neck, his lips skimming the exposed skin over Andrew’s collar. Andrew shivers and clutches at Neil.
“Fuck, Neil,” Andrew breathes. “You’re killing me.”
Neil smiles. “Sorry, I guess.”
“No, don’t be sorry.” Andrew’s voice is tight and a little pained but he’s gentle when he kisses Neil’s forehead and moves to make some space between them. His lips are bright red and swollen. Neil stares and licks his own lips, feeling oddly parched. Andrew watches him with heavy-lidded eyes and groans softly. “Killing me,” he mutters again.
It takes them several minutes to calm down. Andrew grumbles and Neil politely looks away while he adjusts himself. Neil can’t help but feel a bit smug. By the time they get back to the gym the vibe has changed and the DJ is playing slow songs and most of the couples are swaying on the dance floor. Andrew looks to Neil and raises his eyebrows. Neil nods and takes Andrew’s hand.
They find a place on the edge of the dance floor, the shifting, multi-colored lights dappling their faces and the silky black of their tuxedos. Neil drapes his arms over Andrew’s broad shoulders and Andrew holds Neil’s waist. They move closer and start doing the slow, side-to-side shuffle and sway that everyone else is doing. With his eyes fixed on Andrew Neil feels perfectly safe and at ease.
The song is a sad one, bittersweet. It makes Neil hold on tighter.“And I don’t want to world to see me / Cause I don’t think that they’d understand / When everything’s made to be broken / I just want you to know who I am.” Neil clings to Andrew and promises himself that he’ll tell Andrew the truth, soon. Soon but not right now. He kisses Andrew’s cheek and rests his head on his shoulder. Andrew’s hands move up his back, holding him in a loose hug. They sway under the lights and Neil sends up a wish that his time with Andrew will never end.