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The phone began to buzz urgently as Nadia stuck it in her purse, and she withdrew it to glance at it, Marie’s name flashing in red. She grimaced as she quickly typed back “Too late!”
She took one last look at her outfit in the mirror on the back of the front door, picking up the long fluffy coat hanging there and twirling once. She felt cute and nothing Marie could say would change that.
She was nervous though. Her heart began hammering in her chest as she descended down the stairs from the cold loft she shared with roommates, and she saw outside, standing in lightly swirling snow, the young woman from the café was waiting. She was likewise bundled up, but just the anticipation of the evening, of spending it with someone who had seen Nadia in the shadow of others who were much more beautiful, more talented, more well-spoken and graceful, and still held a smile in her eyes, was intoxicating. Wherever this night led, and if there would be another like it, didn’t matter. For now, she was important, and the aspect of getting to know that person was all she cared about.
Tamar’s eyes glowed warmly when she saw Nadia push open the door, her hands lifting slightly, perhaps she wanted to reach out to Nadia, but didn’t feel comfortable yet. Maybe it was the heat of the stairwell, or the blush of anticipation, but Nadia brushed aside the bullying thoughts of self-doubt, took one of Tamar’s hands and leaned in to kiss her check.
“Hello,” she said.
Tamar grinned.
“Hi.”
“Thanks for coming to get me,” Nadia tucked a chunk of hair back behind her ear. “I hope you weren’t waiting long.” Her nose had begun tingling from the cold, her other hand still holding Tamar’s which was warm and dry.
“Don’t worry about it.” She was still grinning. “Do you mind if we walk? It’s not so cold yet, and it isn’t far.”
“Sounds great.” Nadia was worrying a bit about not having dressed warmly enough, in all honesty. But that was something she’d never tell.
It did end up being only a few blocks away, and the steadily falling snow, as well as the neighborhood assured them that there were few others on the streets, let alone many cars. It felt as though Nadia had stepped into a snow-globe filled with the warm light of streetlamps and Tamar’s golden gaze. Her grin was infectious and as they talked about the inconveniences of the week, complained of Zoya and other students on campus, Nadia didn’t even begin to feel cold. Her heart thumped loudly, and Tamar’s hand in hers felt tight and sure.
She came to a sudden stop when Tamar began to tug her toward the subterranean entrance of the club though. She spoke slowly aloud: “Karaoke… are you serious?” The flutter in her stomach became unpleasant. Her mind whirred, recalled the humiliation, and she couldn’t help but regard Tamar in a whole new light. She was scared, and after a second she swallowed, her throat dry and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. “I don’t know if I can…”
“Don’t worry,” Tamar said, having sensed nothing wrong, though a flicker of worry did briefly appear. “You can’t be worse than me. And if you really don’t have fun we can leave again after the first song.”
Nadia didn’t say anything, but stumbling, allowed herself to be pulled down the stairs.
The small place was warm and while Nadia collected herself she pulled off her coat. Tamar disappared to the front desk and prepaid for an hour, and Nadia played back the words she’d said. It seemed as though Tamar hadn’t done this to spite her. In fact, as she replayed that embarrassing moment that seemed to trigger panic each time it was recalled, she didn’t think she’d met Tamar until weeks or even months later. Tamar might not have been at the school yet. There was a cool sweat collecting on the back of her neck and Nadia swept her hair over her shoulder, hanging her coat up and taking Tamar’s when handed to her. She only realized she’d been making a rather grim face when Tamar glanced at her sheepishly, and said “I hope it’s okay that I went ahead a booked a room, if we decided not to stay, we can just go.”
“Yeah, No—” Nadia said, and found she believed Tamar had not meant to scare her, that this was not a trap. “No, I’m sure we’ll have a great time.”
“I think so, too,” Tamar said, tentatively taking Nadia’s hand again. “I’m sure you’re not a worse singer than me, I’m the worst.” She rolled her eyes a little as she said this, and they followed the attendant to their room. “You’ll get a laugh at least. Just you wait.”
In the room the set up was quickly explained and they were left alone. Suddenly shy, Tamar picked up the remote and started flipping through the book of songs as Nadia realized they were alone in a moodily lit room, and could sit anywhere, but somehow it was too forward to sit beside Tamar. She picked up the menu instead.
“Should we order food?”
Tamar looked surprised and Nadia felt foolish, like she should have eaten before she left, like she should order kvass and maybe some fries. But she was more than just a little hungry, and didn’t drink much anyway.
“Yeah, let’s get some— uh, what do you like?”
They ordered and then there was nothing left to do.
“Here,” Tamar said smoothly, taking the remote out of Nadia’s limp grasp and accidentally brushing her fingers against Nadia’s thigh, “Let me break the ice with one of my ‘classic’ songs.” She rapidly punched in a song without checking the book and looked up with an a goofy, expectant smile.
“Yes!” She gave a fist-pump. “I usually screw it up and end up singing ‘Losing my Religion’ or something else morose, definitely not first date material.”
She plucked the microphone from the stand as the first strains began to play.
“And this isn’t morose?” Nadia gave a groaning laugh as she recognized the song. She felt as though she was beginning to understand Tamar’s humor a little better now.
Tamar spun toward her dramatically, “Turn around…” she pouted, “every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round,” she spun again, “turn around…” and spun each time the lyric came back, punctuating the rasping high notes with air punches, kicks and impressive moves that looked more at home in a martial arts flick than a music video. She warbled, she missed notes, her voice cracked, but she looked like she was having so much fun.
Just when Tamar got to her knees to make her finally entreaty in a melodramatic fashion, the door opened and their snacks and dark drinks came in. Nadia had decided on a soda instead, and Tamar had followed suit. Tamar took her romantic pleas to the nachos instead.
“Alright, alright,” Nadia mockingly shook her head as she took the microphone and the song book, “I’ll give it a try.” Her giggle turned into a nervous burble, but she was floating high on it right now and didn’t give in to her anxiety. She flipped through until she found it and then read the number aloud for Tamar to punch in.
Nadia sprang to her feet, the words were already up and waiting for her.
“Can anybody... find me… somebody to… love!”
“Ooh! Nice!” Tamar grinned at her as she munched on food. Somehow it was only slightly gross and mostly charming. “People usually go for Bohemian—” She trailed off as Nadia began to sing in earnest. By the time she’d finished the first verse, it always went so quick, Tamar had stopped eating in favor of just staring at Nadia in open mouthed surprise. Nadia had to look away from Tamar’s intense gaze and instead decided to lean into it. If Tamar never wanted to see her again, she might as well just enjoy the song. She closed her eyes and began to bob and sway in place. She didn’t need to see the words, she knew them by heart.
She dared another look and now Tamar was grooving in her seat and mouthing along, a small smile on her face, but she wasn’t looking at Nadia either, and that sinking sensation in Nadia’s belly came back full force. Even worse, she was afraid Tamar would pretend everything was fine and then never talk to her again once the night was over. To her astonishment, Tamar leapt to her feet and snatched the second mic from it’s stand.
“All right if I join?” She asked, and without waiting joined in the lines repeated ad nauseum, “find me somebody to love.”
Nadia felt herself melting. She hadn’t realized she’d been on edge since the moment they’d walked in here no matter how much she’d convinced herself she wasn’t. She felt that passion blaze up inside her whenever she did what she enjoyed and had always thought herself good at. When they finished, Tamar was grinning from ear to ear again.
“I can’t believe it, that was so good! I know stuff like this can be so nerve-wracking, so I’m glad you tried it anyway.”
The warm glow inside Nadia felt a bit strained, and she barely noticed as Tamar took her hand. The fuzzy sensation apparently knew what was happening before she did. “I’d like to kiss you, if that’s okay.”
Luckily the instinctual part of her brain and her motor functions were still in working order because she managed to nod and suddenly a light hand was on her other arm and Tamar’s soft lips were pressing against her own. She felt tingly all over, like she was too cold, even as her body was thumping with the beat of musak and the burbling warmth raced through her. Tamar pulled back much too soon, one hand sill entwined with hers and Nadia had to cover her mouth. She sought for something in Tamar’s face, but only saw something sheepish and a small smile. She wasn’t going to get a sign, but her thoughts, still buzzing uncontrollably, did feel a bit more accessible. She reached out and brushed the artfully tossed hair from Tamar’s brow.
“Can we do that again?” She whispered, and Tamar obliged.
An hour later they had sung through many popular songs from the 80s and several from other decades, most in english except for a russian jingle they didn’t know all the words to, but had been turned into an ad campaign for a show they had both watched as kids. They’d polished off several plates, and the fizzy drinks were tangling with the nervous joy which would have made Nadia sick if she weren’t too busy enjoying herself.
“Feel like just walking around for a bit?”
Outside they linked arms and walked in tandem, slow and oblivious to the cold. They didn’t say much for a while, just smiling, enjoying the feeling of sharing something that couldn’t be put to words. When they spoke, it seemed like they were reminding themselves of something they’d already known.
“How long have we been walking?” Nadia asked, “We aren’t far from campus.”
“I have no idea.”
Tamar pulled Nadia to a stop and stood silently for a moment. Nadia brushed the snow from the hair that stuck out from Tamar’s hat, while Tamar seemed to be thinking something over.
“Can I invite you for a coffee?” She asked at last.
“Yeah,” Nadia said, that stupid happy grin seemed to be permanently plastered to her face.
Tamar unlocked the door to the café, but didn’t turn on any lights. The warm diffuse glow of a lamp in the empty bakery cabinet gave enough light to scuttle around the tables and up-turned chairs. Tamar pulled Nadia behind the counter and flipped on the espresso machine. Nadia scooted up on the counter beside the register and whispered while Tamar prepped the machine.
“Are you sure you won’t get in trouble?”
Tamar smirked. “No way.” She fiddled with something that was hard to see, went into the backroom and turned on the light there before coming out and sidling up between Nadia’s legs, her hands just resting lightly on the hem of Nadia’s skirt as she stood on tiptoe to press another kiss to her lips. Nadia sighed and looped her arms around Tamar’s shoulders, losing herself in the sensations, hyper-aware as Tamar’s hands moved up her thighs, up her waist and rested on her back, pulling her closer. Liquid desire pooled inside her and she dared herself to move her mouth to one side or the other, to playfully bite at Tamar’s jawline, to lick her ear or something, but she couldn’t. She wanted to, but she was also just a little afraid. The machine hissed and burbled, impossibly loud, and this time Tamar sighed.
“Coffee?” She asked, her voice rough, as she extracted herself.
Nadia crossed her legs nervously and accepted the cup handed to her a moment later. Foamy milk swirled with crema. Her cold fingers welcomed the radiating heat from the mug. Another moment and Tamar was beside her, leaning against the counter, against Nadia as she sipped the warm beverage. It was unreal how she felt so happy, like if she turned around, the snow would have all melted away, and spring would take steady steps toward them.
“You usually drink tea,” Tamar noted.
“I like both.”
“I don’t dislike tea, it’s just too bitter without sugar, and by the time I’m done it would be mostly sugar.” Tamar barked a laugh. “Coffee’s easier.”
“I doubt learning to make a cappuccino this perfect was easy,” Nadia said, she was slipping beneath warm light glinting on gold, Tamar smiling over the rim of her cup at her.
“Practice,” Tamar whispered up at her and then hopped onto the counter Nadia, turned toward her and cupped her face in her hands.
“You mean you weren’t always this smooth?” Nadia’s hands gripped Tamar, pulling her closer.
“You don’t need to flatter—” the words were swallowed by another kiss.
Another hour later and Nadia was breathless in her apartment, alone. She stood against the door, grinning like a mad fool, trying to slow her racing heart and wondering when she’d lost all control of herself. She brushed traitorous thoughts aside and followed her gut, dashing to the window and pushing it open, heedless of the cold night air.
Far down below, Nadia could see Tamar staring up, and when their eyes met, she waved, like they were meeting again, as though they hadn’t just spent the last few hours talking about nonsense and kissing each other senseless. Tamar cupped her hands and whisper shouted up to her.
“Close the window! You’re letting all the heat out!”
“I don’t care!” She called back.
They would have stood there all night if one of Nadia’s roommates hadn’t got up to complain of the cold.
Tamar only stood there another moment before she realized stamping her feet did not keep the cold at bay, and she tucked herself into her coat and began to tramp back the way she came. It was near midnight, maybe even past it, and she knew from the way her cheeks burned that it was too cold to be out, but she didn’t dare pull out her phone to check or call a cab. She’d spent more money than she’d planned tonight, completely forgetting that the karaoke cover charge didn’t included drinks or food. She’d been hungry, but she’d pushed through it before, and would have again, except it had been a date and she’d invited Nadia to a place that served food.
It had been worth it though.
She turned a corner, and passed another block, turning toward a busier street and climbing up the hill, to the bright signs of a business building. All the shops were closed and locked, but she had more than one key on that chain of hers and unlocked the doors of the subterranean dojo she worked at, relishing the radiant warmth of the building. Even at night when no one had been there for hours it was warmer than her own room that she shared with her brother. Since he worked nights as a bouncer, in and out of a hot club every few minutes, and didn’t have to spend much time in the cold room before he passed out under the covers. He’d not have complained if they’d spent more money on fuel every month, just so she could sleep better, but she couldn’t ask him. And anyway, she was happy with the deal she’d made with the master here. She worked, she trained, she cleaned, she slept.
Hearing the radiator click on, she decided she’d wait until the next morning to clean. The buzz of happiness had receded to a comforting hum, she felt full and ready to sleep, so she pulled out mats and laid blankets and a pillow on the radiator for a few minutes before making herself a bed. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and the dark screen informed her it was a quarter to one. Early morning, tomorrow, she reminded herself, and felt like a stone was dropped in her stomach.
She hung the coat near the radiator and laid down in her clothes, but found she didn’t care about it much after all, the relived memories of that night overwhelmed everything else in that moment, and the reckless wish came back: that she’d kiss Nadia again, play with her hair some more, and feel the texture of a hundred more woolen turtlenecks beneath her fingers. How could such a sensible garment be so sexy? She covered her face and groaned in frustration at how smitten she was. It was hopeless.
Suddenly her phone buzzed and she nearly dropped it on her face in her hurry to pull it out. No one texted her at this time. She was instinctively worried about her brother. She opened it quickly.
“I had a great time. Thank you. I haven’t sung in a while and it was so much fun, especially with you. Let’s doing something again soon. <3”
Tamar had no idea if she replied, she floated off to sleep on clouds.