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2005, summer of freshman year.
changsub fans himself as he sits out on his back porch with eunkwang. he feels sticky with all his sweat being cooled by both the fan in his hand and the electric fan blowing behind him from the living room. he sighs big, making eunkwang sigh too.
“just my luck that you come over on one of the hottest days of the year,” changsub says, sighing again. the humidity’s starting to make his hair frizz and he can feel his thighs sticking to the wood of the porch.
“yeah, but at least we’re inside,” eunkwang replies. he sips on the rest of his iced lemonade and flops back.
changsub flops back too. “my house doesn’t have a/c so it makes no difference if we’re in or out.”
they’re silent for a while, the heat sucking the energy out of them. there’s only the sound of the fan whirring in the background. changsub has a feeling that it’s starting to break down—he’ll have to tell his parents to get a new one.
“is it just me or has your voice gotten deeper?” eunkwang remarks, cutting through the silence.
“probably. puberty is like that after all. or maybe it’s the heat.”
“aww, you’re growing up~” eunkwang pinches changsub’s cheek weakly, earning an equally weak kick from changsub.
“we’re all growing, and we’re all gonna die at some point.”
changsub stews on his words. when he realises the meaning of what he said, shuts his eyes closed.
well shit, now he’s going to have an existential crisis. lately, that’s all he really thinks about—who he is, who he was, who he will be.
ever since his 8th grade promotion ceremony, he’s been having troubling thoughts about his future. he knows he has a lot of time to make decisions about his adult life, but there’s also the pressures of coming from a korean household and the fact that he’ll be in high school in just over a month. he doesn’t really know what he wants to do in life, and he doesn’t know how well he’ll transition into high school. he has a big internal conflict of “it’s no big deal there’s four years worth of time to think about college and beyond” and “it is a big deal because what if four years isn’t enough time,” and changsub doesn’t know which voice to listen to.
there’s also eunkwang, who’s going into his sophomore year. he’ll be graduating earlier than changsub because he’s older, and that troubles changsub. in reality, he and eunkwang are thicker than thieves—they probably won’t lose contact after eunkwang graduates—but changsub can’t help but feel like maybe they’ll start growing away from each other. it would hurt a lot if their friendship started to fall apart.
changsub feels his nose being pinched and jumps. “ew, your nose is so sweaty,” eunkwang blanches, wiping his pinching hand on changsub’s shirt.
changsub slaps eunkwang’s stomach, causing eunkwang to grunt in pain. “what the shit did you do that for?” changsub complains.
“you seemed really lost in thought, it was freaking me out. you never think that much.”
changsub slaps him again on the chest. “it’s not like i’m brainless.”
“i beg to differ-“ eunkwang rolls out of the way before changsub could slap him again. he starts laughing while changsub scoffs. “anyway, what were you even thinking about?”
changsub pouts. “stuff.”
“what kinda stuff?”
“...stuff.”
eunkwang turns to look at changsub. “is something the matter?”
changsub makes eye contact with eunkwang for a moment. he sniffs and look away, “not really. just thinking about... stuff.”
“like...?”
“like...” changsub hesitates, but continues, “like... how i’m gonna be in high school soon....”
it feels weird to tell to eunkwang about it; sure, they’ve been friends—best friends—for a long time, but they were kids for all that time. they never really had a serious conversation since they didn’t really have anything to be serious about. though, changsub guesses that now would be the time to start having serious conversations. not because they’re all grown up now, but because they’re getting there.
in fact, eunkwang is silent when changsub confesses what he’d been thinking about. no laughs, no scoffs, no mockery. it makes changsub nervous—even though eunkwang is technically not that much older, he probably thinks changsub is stupid for thinking about it. changsub waits for something to happen.
a pat on his hand is what he least expects. he looks at eunkwang, who looks back with understanding eyes. “it’ll be okay,” he says, “you’ve always handled new things well. and even if you get into trouble, i’ll be there.”
changsub raises his eyebrows. he’s never seen eunkwang look so sincere, and it shocks him so much he starts laughing. eunkwang slaps him on the arm- “hey, i’m trying to be serious!” but he starts laughing too.
they start play-fighting until the heat wears them out again. they’re laying on their backs again, catching their breaths and sweating. it’s silent again, and the whirring of the fan is gone (so it is broken). changsub breathes in the moment and closes his eyes.
“you’ll be fine,” eunkwang says, breaking the silence again.
changsub sighs through his nose. “probably, but i can’t help but think something will go wrong.”
“something will always go wrong, especially with your luck.”
“right, i have to take my bad luck into account when thinking about my future,” changsub groans, “i just had to be cursed by a stupid robot box.”
eunkwang laughs shortly, “but even then, i think you’ll be fine. like i said, you handle new things well, and you’re strong. maybe not physically, but you have the mental fortitude to get through your freshmen year.”
changsub takes in eunkwang’s words slowly. “thanks,” he says eventually.
eunkwang hums in response. changsub closes his eyes again, feeling a wave of heat wash over him. he moves his fan slowly, feeling the air in front of his face move slightly.
silence comes over them once again. at this time of day, everything feels still. as suffocating as the air feels, changsub feels like he can breathe. he feels eunkwang’s presence beside him, but the warmth doesn’t bother him. he’s still sticky with sweat, but somehow it’s bearable. eunkwang nudges him, causing him to turn and look at eunkwang.
making sure they’re making eye contact, eunkwang asks changsub, “you know i meant it, right?” changsub stares at him. eunkwang takes it as a blank stare and clarifies, “we’ll be at the same school, and we have the same elective, so i’ll be there for you literally. and if you ever need someone to talk to or rely on, i’m here... promise.” he sticks his pinky out.
changsub stares at eunkwang’s pinky. sighing, he brings his arm up, feeling his skin unstick from the wood. “i know,” he says, wrapping his pinky around eunkwang’s. they make their thumbs touch to complete the promise and bring their arms down.
with a deep breath, eunkwang sits up. “good. you want anything to drink?”
“mm... diet coke....”
“comin’ right up!” eunkwang gets up to get them their drinks, and changsub watches him go. as he fans himself, he thinks about what eunkwang said.
in all honesty, he admires eunkwang for a lot of things, including that moment. he’s seen eunkwang grow up alongside him and grow up faster than he has. to changsub, eunkwang will always be his best friend, his partner in crime, but he can see that eunkwang’s becoming more mature, and that he’s finding his place in the world.
he remembers eunkwang being a shy kid when they first met. he still is now, but the effort that eunkwang puts into being social, putting himself out there, and making people smile is something that amazes changsub. eunkwang’s also known what he wanted to do in life since they were just kids—sing. eunkwang is in the church choir, in the school choir, taking vocal lessons, just dedicating what he can to singing. it’s admirable, and changsub is proud of him.
but, even as his friend, changsub can’t help but compare himself to eunkwang. changsub had expected him to make fun of him in that moment because that’s what they’d always done—joking and clowning around. but instead, eunkwang had comforted him, even if it was short and simple. in that moment, changsub felt like eunkwang was many years his senior, instead of just a four month difference. they’re not the same, they’re growing. eunkwang is growing.
changsub sighs. he wonders if he’ll ever reach the same level eunkwang is, or if he’ll just stay the same. maybe that’s what he’s most scared of—coming out of high school not having grown at all.
eunkwang comes back, settling down with his refilled lemonade glass and giving changsub his diet coke. changsub cracks open the bottle and listens to the carbon dioxide escaping. before he sips, he feels the soda popping up at his face. it feel cool against his lips, and when he finally drinks from the bottle, he tastes the sweetness of the soda and feels the refreshing burn of it down his throat. he sighs after swallowing and looks at eunkwang, who’s sipping his lemonade through a straw. noticing changsub, eunkwang makes a shocked face and sucks in too much lemonade, causing him to choke. changsub bursts out laughing and slaps eunkwang’s back as he coughs it out.
as they joke around and sip on drinks, there’s still a part of changsub’s brain that’s thinking about the whole big picture—who he was, who he is, who he will be. it’s scary, but he trusts eunkwang to be his friend through it all.
for now, he enjoys the rest of the afternoon with his best friend.