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Yoongi stares blankly at the screen in front of him, bottles of cheap soju scattered around the room, the trashcan is filled to the brim with take-out boxes. It’s been six months, but the air still feels too stilled, too empty, too suffocating. Beside the computer, laid dozens of crumpled papers with words that are too raw to be spoken. It’s been six months since Yoongi’s world tilted around the axis, since he last heard the nagging voice that kept on reminding him to eat, sleep and basically all the things he needed to survive. It’s been so long since he saw those gentle eyes laid upon him and it’s been too long since those eyes are filled with adoration and affection instead of distant concern, pain, and resignation. It’s been too long since he saw those eyes shine with hope and life. And in this moment of weakness, Yoongi admits that he missed him. There is no amount of soju he consumed nor music he made that could drown his sorrow. In the end, it would just resurface again and the guilt and pain are too much to bear because Yoongi has a very big part on dooming their relationship. And oh, how he wished he could take back all those awfully things he said to Seokjin, if he just fought a little bit harder for them, he wonders if the outcome would still be the same.
Yoongi stumbled into their small apartment, it was 2 AM and he just finished on his project, it’s a ballad song about the love that slipped through someone’s hand. It’s not the type of song Yoongi usually produced but he was really intrigued with the lyrics so he decided to give it a go. With a flick of his finger, the lamps turned on lights flooded the room and at first Yoongi didn’t realize anything was amiss. But when he shuffled to remove his shoes, he noticed that Seokjin’s black vans was missing. At first, he didn’t think much about it but when he opened their bedroom door Seokjin’s beauty products were gone. Seokjin’s beauty product is basically his life line, his babies, he wouldn’t go anywhere without them. Yoongi went into a mini panic attack when he realized they were gone as well. Quickly he strode to their wardrobe, when he wrenched it open, all of Seokjin’s clothes were gone along with his suitcase. Yoongi’s mind was clouded with panic, his breathing came out harshly. For a minute he just stood there trying to comprehend what the hell was going on. Suddenly remembering the existence of cellphones, he fumbled his ripped-jean’s pocket trying to find it. Yoongi immediately dialed Seokjin’s number, after a few more tries which all lead to voice mail, he decided to call Jungkook. Jungkook picked up on the third ring
“Hello?” “Jungkook! Is Seokjin with you?” Yoongi asked hurriedly, there was a beat of pause before Jungkook answered
“Yeah, he’s with me. But hyung, he doesn’t look well, is something wrong?” Jungkook asked hesitantly.
“It’s..” Yoongi sighed
“Just… can you put him on the phone, please?”
“Yeah.” There were sounds of shuffling from Jungkook and after what felt like decades Jungkook asked anxiously
“Hyung? Are you there?”
“Yes, yes I am here. Where’s Seokjin?” Yoongi asked voice tinged with desperation
“He said he doesn’t want to talk to you, hyung.” Yoongi’s shoulder dropped, he could already feel the headache building up behind his eye, the lack of sleep, and the caffeine he consumed finally caught up with his body. Yoongi rubbed his face and will his headache to lessen just a little bit before saying “Is he, okay?”
“No, he’s crying. Hyung, what do I do?” there was an edge of panic at Jungkook’s voice now.
“Calm yourself, okay. There would be nothing good coming out if you panicked. Now listen to me, kid. Seokjin never liked being left alone when he’s sad so make sure you’re in the same room as him, give him a blanket, and a tube of ice cream chocolate. He should calm down once he’s tired.”
“Okay, hyung. Are you guys going to be okay?” he asked in a small voice afraid Seokjin would hear it.
“It’s complicated kid. Just make sure he’s okay, yeah?”. the phone call ended after that.
Two hours later Yoongi’s phone lighted up with a notification telling him that Seokjin had fallen asleep and that he would come tomorrow to get the rest of Seokjin’s things. When Jungkook showed up, he just smiled apologetically which Yoongi replied with his blank expression that looked emptier than usual. Jungkook never brought up about his mess with Seokjin anymore and for that Yoongi was forever thankful because how could he tell someone else about what went wrong when he didn’t even know it himself. After Jungkook left, a sense of loneliness immediately engulfed him so Yoongi decided it would be a good idea to call Namjoon even though he knew Namjoon might be busy with his own work to go out drinking with him, he made the call anyway. Namjoon agreed to meet at their usual outings, which is a bar located on the outskirts of Gangnam, two blocks from Namjoon’s work. He just hoped after a few bottles of soju the hollowness in his chest would go away even if only for a while.
They never spoke about whose fault was it that this thing between them didn’t work out, Yoongi thought he already knew months ago that they were going to be burned out and crashed. He just wished it wouldn’t be so hard but alas heartbreak was never easy. He was always busy in his studio especially since a new agency was interested on contracting him after seeing his underground performances. He rarely went back to their apartment anymore. Heck, they hadn’t even had sex in months cause the moment Yoongi’s body touched their bed, he immediately passed out. Seokjin had been nothing but patient all those months ago, trying to deal with his cranky and shitty attitude, trying to comfort him when all he wanted to do was just curl up and cry and possibly give up. Seokjin was always there, every step of the way, the only constant thing in his life and he took him for granted. He knew Seokjin was secretly crying his eyes out in the middle of the night every time they had a fight where Yoongi called him a whiny bitch who needed constant attention, who was nothing but useless except for his beautiful face he is oh, so proud of. And he watched with grim satisfaction as Seokjin’s eyes filled with anger turned into shock and at last there was nothing but endless sea of pain and anguish inside those brown orbs. There were too many fights, too many hurtful words thrown against each other. In the midst of it all, Seokjin finally realized that he was not the Min Yoongi he fell in love with. Somewhere along the way they lost that spark but Yoongi never thought that Seokjin would be the one who gave up on them.
The first time Yoongi saw Seokjin after the unspoken break up was when he was on the supermarket at 1 am on Tuesday. His eyes were trained upon rows of instant noodles, trying to decide which flavor he should try tonight. He spotted the cheese ramyeon that was so popular they sold out in every supermarket he visited, he was about to pay for the ramyeon when he heard someone made a frustrated noise behind him. Yoongi cursed why fate seems to never be on his side, when he turned and was met with Seokjin’s back clad in white sweater. He was staring at the rays of instant ramyeon in exasperation. Noticing Seokjin was still busy glaring at those poor ramyeon, Yoongi quickly tried to slip away but as of course universe decided to be a bitch, he crashed his right shoulder against the fridge door. Cussing out his luck, Yoongi was just about to keep on walking when he met Seokjin’s widening eyes. They stared at each other, neither knew what to say. Seokjin looked as beautiful as ever and Yoongi resent him a little bit for it. While Yoongi looked like a train-wreck, Seokjin didn’t really look like he was affected by their break up at all. It had only been two months and Yoongi was still struggling with the suffocating loneliness, with the sleepless nights, and with drunken nights that happened to often to be healthy. Surprisingly it was Seokjin who broke the silence that fell between them, “Hi” he said voice croaking with uncertainty. And that was the last time he saw Kim Seokjin.
Yoongi cranes his neck to glance at the clock 3.03 it reads, he has no idea how many hours he has spent locked in this studio trying to write something that is not the reflection of his heart, body and soul now. Yoongi reaches to his phone and there are 5 missed calls from Hoseok, 3 from Namjoon and 7 from Jimin. The three of them, bless their soul have been dealing with Yoongi since his break up with Seokjin and Yoongi is not exactly the easiest person to get along with much less being taken care of. So, with that in mind Yoongi decides not to worry his friends any longer and go home to sleep for a decade preferably and maybe try not to think about the ache that keeps on blossoming in his chest.
When he stands up, pain immediately shoots through his back, as the result of hunching for too long, he glances at the dirty studio room and with sluggish movements start to gather the soju bottles and the crumpled papers. After he takes out the trash and is about to lock the studio, his phone buzzes from inside his jeans pocket. The screen shows him Seokjin’s number and Yoongi can’t help but freeze, dozens of scenarios immediately playing in his head about what could possibly happen for Seokjin to call him in the middle of fucking dawn. With trembling fingers, he slides answer.
At first there is only silence, none of them dare to say anything and break this fragile middle ground they’re in. Yoongi tries to savor this moment where this could possibly be the last time he would hear Seokjin’s voice, a beat passes and Seokjin’s voice filtered through the speaker “Yoongi?” small and unsure.
Yoongi’s breath hitches and various of emotions curls in the pit of his stomach. But what comes out is “Yeah” and he cringes about how hoarse he sounds.
Another silence, and then Seokjin said “Have you gone home yet?”
“I’m on my way” he replies stoically trying not to let his emotions show through his voice.
“Can we meet?” Seokjin’s voice is full with hesitation, but Yoongi can detect a glimmer of hope in it, hope for what he has no idea.
But because Yoongi is a masochist and a man craving for water in the desert when it comes to Seokjin, he said “Sure”
“How long is it since your last sleep?” too long he wanted to say but instead what come up is a vague answer that holds too much truth for his liking and Seokjin picks it up as well for he let out a sigh
“Go home and sleep. Can we meet tomorrow at the usual café?.” Now there’s a hint of his mothering tone that he only lets out when Yoongi is too absorbed on his music and forgets about the world around him.
This time Yoongi says ‘okay’ with a surprisingly steady voice and Seokjin’s voice replied to him somewhat shyly. ‘Okay’ he said. Yoongi can’t help the warmth that filled his insides because even after months he still could make Seokjin sound like that. Somehow hearing that makes him realize that after what feels like ages of trying to find his footing again, for the first time Yoongi feels that maybe he could be okay again. That somehow, he and Seokjin would be fine, like the universe is giving him bread crumbs that makes a dangerous thing like hope, a fragile hope that clouds his mind. After Seokjin ends the call, a small smile has already bloomed on Yoongi’s face and if he walked a little straighter, if his steps bounced a little well no one is there to comment on it.