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For some reason Shimazaki can’t exactly grasp, Teruki lives a life of extremes.
What he does understand, however, is how it stands in Teru’s way — and also his own, as dealing with someone who doesn’t see beyond dualism is not easy for any human-and-therefore-flawed being. Shimazaki has a whole lot of flaws and guilt and general grey area, and to be eternally fit under the bad guy label sounds like a sad, dull future. Not that he is thinking that far ahead — he wouldn’t dare, not with a nineteen-year-old who seems way too ready to punch him at any given moment.
The thing is, repentance does not mean instantaneous perfection. Shimazaki wants to change, is willing to, yes, but nobody has ever mentioned achieving impossible ideals imposed by an equally morally questionable brat. More so, if said brat refuses to take off his ideological goggles and turns every single one of Shimazaki’s actions into another step of a ploy. Ryou can’t talk with a man like that. Nor be.
Thus, he will waste his days trying to make Teruki understand how impossible it is to define everything as true or false, as positive or negative, as good guys or bad guys.
And it is painstakingly slow to convince him of that. In the beginning — the one Shimazaki can’t give a precise date to and wouldn’t dare to try — Teru just pushes him away. He is the bad guy — the liar, the asshole, and also the fuckboy apparently. But the best part of being the bad guy is when he gets to be good.
Because, yes, Shimazaki might be all that. But he is not about to fit a manicheistic stereotype just because Teru thinks he should.
So he pulls Teru against his chest, even when the blond tells him to cut the bullshit off — what bullshit, he says, and smiles in a way that might not be the most angelic, but surely is the most familiar. Shimazaki allows himself to be tender since the only thing Teruki expects is violence, lets himself be warm when Teruki comes to him looking for the cold, stays even though Teru is convinced that he will leave.
And at some point as he swings from one opposite to another, Shimazaki realizes he is being genuine.