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“Do you still feel it?” Lleó asks, nodding towards Jordi’s newly amputated leg.
Jordi sighs, something deep inside of him was bothered by the way Lleó referred to his former leg as ‘it,’ but there was really no use complaining about such miniscule things. The reality had only set in after he was left alone in his and Lleó’s shared room, but for some reason he found himself glancing down at the sheets every so often, expecting to see his right leg laying next to his left. He was approaching an hour of not looking down yet, which he considered a sizeable achievement. After all, as Lleó said, it would eventually get easier if he would just ignore it. Eventually.
“Yeah. Quite a bit,” Jordi sighs again deeply, turning to his right to look at Lleó, who was sitting up facing Jordi as he ate. “When does it get easier?”
“It doesn’t,” Lleó says, looking at Jordi carefully. “I mean, sure, it will stop bothering you, but it takes time. Just don’t think about it.”
Jordi nods, and turns back to face the ceiling. He takes the time now to reflect a bit, hardly believing that his surgery could have even happened on this same day. A procedure that was commonplace for some of these doctors had altered his life completely, and while he knew that following that train of thought was very dangerous, he couldn’t help but think about how the things he’d taken for granted could just be swept out from underneath you one day. Probably only an expensive prosthetic would let Jordi run, dance, or play football. The thought made him feel simultaneously grateful and miserable.
He has had an eventful day, that’s for sure, and the fact that he feels himself start to cry shouldn’t be a surprise, as it is somewhat justified. Still, he feels terribly embarrassed, crying infront of Lleó like this. Although it may not have been obvious, Jordi did admire Lleó for a variety of reasons. He admired Lleó for his positive outlook on life after having been in the hospital for so long, mostly. If a challenge arose, it wasn’t the end of the world. Over the months, Lleó had developed some new sense of optimism, or perhaps it wasn’t really optimism at all. Lleó had a good support system, not only from his sister, but from the staff at the hospital. Jordi saw the way the doctors and their associates could talk casually with Lleó, undoubtedly they appreciated his sense of humor and dry wit just like Jordi did. That’s another thing Jordi really admired about Lleó - he was a funny guy, but knew when to be serious, like the qualities of a real leader.
Considering all of Lleó’s positive attributes to his personality, it’s no wonder Jordi feels a bit inferior, which is why he tries his best to blink his tears away without seeming too obvious, he doesn’t dare to look over at Lleó. Instead, he focuses more on Lleó’s presence, as if that’s the pillar that can somehow ground him as pull him back from this precipice that he’s standing over. He thinks of his mother, and how lucky he is to have her. All the good things he has to think about and be grateful for do some good to calm him, but the emotions that have been building since he got to the hospital will not just go away on their own.
“Jordi?” Lleó asks, and still, Jordi keeps his eyes fixed on one part of the ceiling. He tries to zone out, to tuck his feelings away at least temporarily.
“Yeah?” he answers, and Jordi really hopes that Lleó can’t hear the shake in his voice, and he wills himself not to make it any worse by clearing his throat.
“I’m serious, stop thinking so hard about it. The more you ignore this feeling, the easier it will become.”
Jordi nods purposefully, and gasps out a short sound of agreement.
Across the space between their beds, Lleó pushes his food aside and gets into his wheelchair. Jordi remains still, looking at the ceiling. He assumes Lleó is going out of the room, maybe to visit someone, but when Lleó appears at his left shoulder on the other side of the bed, face wrought with confusion and unanswered questions, Jordi breaks.
He brings his hand up to his mouth to stifle his cries, and stutters out a weak apology for putting Lleó in such a position.
“I’m sorry, sorry, - I know,” he stops to sniffle and try to calm himself, “I know it’s, it’s not worth crying over -”
“Shh,” Lleó says, and he places a hand on top of Jordi’s free one that isn’t wiping his eyes frantically. “I understand. Please don’t hold everything inside, we are friends, no?” and this has Jordi nodding profusely, because yes, of course they are, but Jordi still feels miserable for breaking down in front of Lleó. In some strange way, it feels like he has lost an internal battle, he’s not strong anymore, he can’t just keep smiling like Lleó does.
“Didn’t want you to see me like this,” Jordi admits, tilting his head away from Lleó’s gaze, feeling awfully vulnerable all of a sudden, and he can’t quite place why. He’s opening up a part of himself that he hasn’t shown many people, not even his mother, he could never admit such things to her, could never describe how he really feels right now. But Lleó, Lleó knows, has experienced exactly what Jordi is going through right now, and Lleó has given him good advice, but Jordi just can’t seem to apply it.
“Why?” Lleó has the audacity to ask, as if Jordi can really take any more embarrassment, being asked why he feels the way he feels is asking a lot.
Jordi’s cries turn to sobs as his mind runs away from him. Lleó is next to him but Jordi feels unbearably lonely. He’s far from home, missing a good part of his leg, and he knows this isn’t the end, that there is bound to be more suffering down the road. The thought troubles him deeply.
“Jordi, look at me, please,” Lleó strokes Jordi’s cheek for a second and brings his hand down to his chin, guiding him to face Lleó. Jordi whimpers, and Lleó cringes internally at the sight of Jordi’s blotchy skin and damp eyes, stress lines appearing on his forehead. “Think of something happy, just for a moment.”
Jordi nods, his sobs quieting by now, and thinks about his friends back in Andorra. He thinks of how nice it would be for them to be here right now, but as he expands upon this thought, he knows he would feel the same way about his friends that he feels with his mother right now. They will support him, but they don’t know what it’s like. He feels guilty for this, but the need to be understood, to be accepted, to be comforted, is pulling on him. Lleó had said to ‘think of something happy,’ and although Jordi isn’t thinking of anything wonderful, he pretends to, because he suddenly becomes very aware of Lleó’s hand grasping his.
Lleó’s thumb is stroking the back of his hand, and the gesture is so gentle and loving that Jordi feels all of his worries melting away, and it hits him - Lleó is the one who understands, who accepts him. Jordi can’t convey how thankful he is.
“Lleó?” Jordi asks, looking to his friend. Lleó’s smiling back at him, watching him attentively, and again Jordi feels his heart swell. “Thank you, really.”
Lleó’s smile only gets bigger as he leans closer to wrap an arm around Jordi’s shoulders and lightly kisses his forehead. “Don’t mention it. Look man, we’re a group, we help each other. I’ll always help you.”
Jordi smiles back, and Lleó’s heart feels full, like he has somehow accomplished a task, he has made Jordi happy again, and that’s something remarkable. What’s even better is that there’s no way Jordi is still concerned about his leg now. Maybe somewhere far away in the back of his head, but Lleó counts on the fact that a little conversation can help at any time.
Lleó squeezes Jordi’s shoulder before starting to pull away from him, but Jordi frowns and pulls Lleó’s arm back to where it was. Lleó raises his eyebrows, amused, but doesn’t say anything. They sit in peaceful silence for a while, but soon Lleó grows uncomfortable from sitting in the same position for so long. He doesn’t want to move, not necessarily, but he’s also getting drowsy.
“Jordi, it’s late. I need you to let my arm go for now so that I can sleep. You can drag me over here again tomorrow if you’d like,” Lleó jokes casually, but Jordi doesn’t smile.
“Don’t leave, please,” Jordi says, and he clutches Lleó’s hand tightly in his own. Lleó looks around, at the distance between his and Jordi’s bed, down at their hands clasped together, but Lleó mostly looks at Jordi, he sees the desperation in his eyes, the fear of being alone again, even if Lleó will be close by.
“Ok, scoot over then,” Lleó says, winking playfully. Jordi’s expression goes from pleasantly surprised to doubtful in only a few seconds.
“This will never work, look at the size of the bed!” Jordi exclaims, but he subconsciously shifts a bit to the right anyway to make room for Lleó.
“Hush, sit up and face that way, I have a plan,” Lleó says, and gestures for Jordi to sit facing the right side so that Lleó can climb in. He rises and sits down on the place Jordi was before, and arranges the pillows so that there’s more room for the two of them by piling them up near the wall. Jordie spreads out to take up as much of the bed as he can and opens his arms. “Ok, now just lie back, tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”
Jordi nods and shifts so that he’s lying between Lleó’s legs, his back pressed up against Lleó’s chest. It doesn’t feel too great at first, but Lleó props himself up with one of the many pillows, and Jordi turns a bit on his side, being careful of his leg. He slides one hand under Lleó’s back and drapes the other over Lleó’s midsection. Lleó wraps his arms around Jordi and pulls him deeper into the embrace.
Jordi loves the feeling of Lleó’s slightly larger frame enveloping his own. He muses briefly that this must be the best hug or cuddle he’s ever had. He didn’t realize how much he had missed this kind of intimacy, how wonderful it feels to be held and to hold.
“Comfy?” Lleó asks, pressing a small kiss to the top of Jordi’s head.
“Mmmh,” Jordi replies, snuggling even closer to Lleó. “Thank you,” he says, but it comes out muffled against Lleó’s shirt. Lleó just laughs and drags the covers up over them, craning his neck to kiss Jordi’s forehead again.
Jordi, on the brink of succumbing to a long, dreamless sleep, mumbles something incoherent.
“What was that?” Lleó teases, not expecting to get a response.
“Like it,” Jordi starts, and then yawns cutely against Lleó’s chest, “when you kiss me.”
Lleó just smiles, holds Jordi a little tighter, and kisses him one last time before drifting off to sleep.