Work Text:
Suhwan rolled over to his side, cast a glance at the blinking ‘3:28AM’ of the digital clock on the wall of their dorm room and sighed silently, pulling his blanket over his head and wondering how three hours had already passed since he first lay on his bed.
His teammates were already fast asleep, judging from the still atmosphere of the room (Sihoon was even snoring loudly across him) and Suhwan envied their ability of not letting their deepest concerns and insecurities hinder their sleep time. Suhwan was, unfortunately, exactly like that- no matter how tired he felt at the end of the day, the moment the lights were off and his head touched the pillow, the thousand thoughts in the depths of his mind seemed to emerge, haunting him throughout the night and keeping him awake for hours without end.
Suhwan took a deep breath and tried once more. Shifting around to find another comfortable position, he closed his eyes and thought about the happy faces of his family when he returned home the next day, the delicious food his mom would cook for him, the comfortable bed he would be able to sleep on for as long as he wanted to without being awoken by the annoying ‘jima jijima’ every morning at 7AM. He imagined going back to school and seeing all his friends again, hanging out with them before going back to the practise room and being greeted by Yubin’s loud ass voice and irritating headlocks, while all the other trainees would just stand around and laugh instead of helping him-
Oh, right. It would all be over then.
With a stressed sigh, Suhwan sat up from his position and looked back at the clock. ‘3:37AM’. Why does time pass so slow during the most dreadful periods of your life?
Peering at the bunk below him, he saw Yubin’s motionless body wrapped up in his blanket and facing away from him. Suhwan contemplated for a moment, before caving in and climbing down the steps of his bunk as a last resort.
He wasn’t sure when this had become a habit, to be honest. Perhaps it was during the first few days of them joining the program, when they were roommates in A class. The six roommates would gather on the floor, turn off all the lights and have late-night talks every night, sharing ghost stories, funny anecdotes and talking about their dreams. Since Suhwan occupied the bunk above Yubin’s, he’d sit beside him on his bed and more often than not, fall asleep in the middle of their sessions. And instead of climbing up to the top bunk to sleep in Suhwan’s bed, Yubin would just curl up beside him and spend the rest of the night there.
Perhaps it was during Lullaby, when Suhwan coincidentally (or was it fate?) occupied the bunk above Yubin’s again. Their late-night talks continued, but only between the two of them, pressed shoulder-to-shoulder on Yubin’s bed with a blanket draped over their knees. Almost all of the time, Suhwan would either be too tired or lazy to climb up the steps to his bed, so the two of them would end up sleeping together again.
Or maybe it was during Super Special Girl, when Suhwan’s insomnia started to get increasingly worse. On nights where Yubin was awake, he’d talk to Suhwan throughout the night, going on and on even if he was plagued by sleepiness and rambling about nonsense, usually ending with him dropping asleep on Suhwan’s shoulder. On nights where he wasn’t, Suhwan would climb into his bed and fit himself in the small space between Yubin's warm body and the cool concrete wall. Yubin would just stir a little in his sleep, turn to face Suhwan and wrap the smaller guy in the blanket along with him before dozing off again. And the comforting sound of Yubin’s breaths together with the steady thump of his heartbeat never failed to calm Suhwan down and lull him to sleep.
Suhwan thought that the latter was most likely going to happen when he climbed over Yubin and settled in his usual spot, but when he didn’t stir in his sleep or drape his arm around Suhwan’s shoulder like he usually did, Suhwan’s gaze cautiously fluttered up to see Yubin’s wide pupils staring unreadably at him.
They froze in position for a moment, just staring at each other while trying to read each other’s pupils to contemplate the reason of their consciousness at such ugly hours of the night. Yubin was the first one to break the silence, a small smile spreading out on his cheeks as he spoke in a soft, calming voice.
“Can’t sleep too?”
Suhwan nodded, enjoying the feeling of Yubin’s hand at the back of his head, smoothing his hair out.
“Want to talk?” Yubin continued and Suhwan repeated his action and sat up, Yubin joining his side a few seconds later, throwing the blanket over their knees.
“What thoughts are keeping you awake?” Suhwan began first, comfortably resting his head on Yubin’s shoulder.
Yubin sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. “Tomorrow. What else could it be,” he ducked his head down, his bangs falling over his eyes.
“But you’ll make it tomorrow, hyung,” Suhwan reassured, “there’s no way that you won’t make it. It’s not possible for your rank to drop that m-”
“That’s not what I meant,” Yubin cut him off. “I’m worried for Gukheon hyung. And… you.”
At Yubin’s words, Suhwan’s head rose from his shoulder and he gazed at Yubin with a mixture of surprise, concern and sorrow.
“Gukheon hyung will be fine, I’m sure of it,” Suhwan reassured, but Yubin didn’t look the least bit convinced. “And you don’t have to worry about me. I’m already prepared to go home tomorrow; I’m not expecting anything.”
Yubin’s eyes flashed towards him, an annoyed expression etched on his face, “don’t say that.”
“Hyung, there’s no way I’m going to make it,” Suhwan smiled sadly, placing a hand on Yubin’s. “I was 29th. I got the second least onsite votes last week. I’m still getting cursed by so many people online. I’ll be surprised if I don’t come in 31st tomorrow.”
Yubin didn’t say anything in response, but his lower lip trembled at the brutality of Suhwan’s words.
“I’ve already packed all my luggage, see,” Suhwan pointed to his suitcase sitting at the foot of Yubin’s bed, bulging with his belongings and the handle pulled up, as if Suhwan was ready to depart in a few minutes. “I also called my mom to tell her that I’ll be going home tomorrow. My sister’s coming to pick me up to drive me home t-”
“Stop saying that,” Yubin’s voice was shaking now, and the hand that Suhwan had held earlier had curled into a fist. “You’re not going home tomorrow.”
“...Do you really think I’ll make it?” Suhwan asked rhetorically, and Yubin seemed to understand that as he buried his face in his palms, muttering his reply softly.
“You have to make it. We promised, right? That we’ll be the next Minhyun and Jaehwan. That we’ll debut together.”
Suhwan swallowed the lump in his throat at Yubin’s comment. He remembered that day so vividly: it was the night after Group X Evaluations, and the two of them had the longest and most emotional late-night talk, involving many shed tears and a shared promise that the two of them would make it to the finals together and debut in the final group. It seemed so achievable back then, but when Yubin’s rank started rolling downhill and Suhwan started getting overlooked, the promise seemed to drift further and further away from their reach.
“I’m sorry,” Yubin said abruptly, removing his hands from his face and turning to face Suhwan, his eyes glistening with tears. “If I didn’t always steal the spotlight from you, we’d be on the same level. I’m sorry that I didn’t let you show off your full potential, I’m sorry that I was always the main vocal, hell, what’s the point of being the main vocal when I don’t get to do it with you? I’m such a greedy, selfish prick-”
“There you go, rambling again,” Suhwan’s finger on his lips successfully shut him up, but he continued looking at him with sad, regretful eyes. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t even do anything wrong.”
Yubin blinked at him in confusion, the fat pout on his lips not fading away.
“Do you think if you didn’t do any of that, the results would be different?” Suhwan reached out to enclose Yubin’s hands in his. “It’s been like that since the start- you always had the upper hand. Why are you blaming yourself for something that was inevitable in the first place?”
Yubin’s gaze had fluttered down to their joint hands, but Suhwan didn’t miss the way his eyes were brimming with tears.
“Don’t you think it’s quite sad, hyung? You’re left with regrets about what you did to me but what I’m left with is nothing but happy memories with you that are too precious to be forgotten,” Suhwan admitted, trying his best to continue talking steadily when his best friend was on the verge of breaking down right in front of him. “Since this is going to be my last night here, let’s only focus on the happy things that happened, yeah?”
Yubin didn't respond for a long time, his lips trembling under the force of his teeth, his breath coming out shakily, until Suhwan gave his hands a tight squeeze and leaned in for a warm hug.
Yubin instantly relaxed in his embrace, pressing his eyes on Suhwan’s shoulder and hugging his waist as tight as he could. Suhwan blinked back the tears in his eyes threatening to spill out and rubbed circles on Yubin’s back until the latter stopped trembling.
"I'm sorry," Yubin squeaked out again and Suhwan chuckled, gently placing a hand on his head of brown hair.
"Now what are you apologising for?" Suhwan smoothed out his hair, the grin on his face not fading at the way Yubin was still clinging onto him as if his life depended on it.
"I'm such a terrible friend and you're still so nice to me," he sniffled, his hot breath fanning Suhwan’s nape and leaving goosebumps on his skin. "I'm sorry that you had to put up with me every single day for four months straight."
"I'm pretty sure it's the opposite?" Suhwan playfully flicked the back of Yubin’s head. "I'm sorry that you had to tolerate me latching onto you everyday for four months straight."
"Don't bullshit with me," Yubin grumbled, and Suhwan thought that he would proceed with his counter-attack like he usually did but Yubin just snuggled in his embrace further. “I never said that I didn’t like it.”
Suhwan felt the tips of his ears redden at Yubin’s soft mutter and wondered, since when did the temperature of the room become so hot?
“Y-yeah, anyway, so…” Suhwan tensed his muscles as a sign for Yubin to release him from his iron-like grip and Yubin complied obediently, curling back to Suhwan’s side. “You don’t have to worry about me. That was the point, right?”
Yubin didn’t reply instantly, and when Suhwan turned to face him, he saw Yubin staring at him with those large, teary puppy-like eyes again, as if he was going to resume his breakdown session any second.
“Come on, don’t look at me like that, you big baby,” Suhwan chuckled, making Yubin scowl and wipe his eyes with his fists (like a baby). “I told you, the both of us will be fine. You’re not going to die without me.”
“But who am I going to have my late-night talks with? Who am I going to give free piggyback rides around the training center? Who am I going to tease and make fun of just for the fun of seeing him get angry?”
Suhwan’s tongue was caught for a second, taken aback at the specific scenarios Yubin chose to throw at him to defend his point.
“Uh… there’s Wonjin! You’re close to him, right? Dongpyo, too! And Yohan hyung?” Suhwan just rattled the names of the trainees on the surface of his mind. “What about Dohyun, Junho, Eunsang-”
“But are their names Choi Suhwan?” Yubin cut him off with a hand around his wrist. “It’s not the same. And you know it.”
Maybe it was the way Yubin looked so serious as he said this, staring into Suhwan’s eyes with a mixture of hurt, regret and hesitance in his pupils, but Suhwan instantly felt his heartbeat rate speed up, thundering loudly in his ears as he broke their gaze with an awkward cough. Yubin must’ve caught the stain of red on Suhwan’s cheeks as he placed a hand there, felt the burning surface and managed a smile at his embarrassed friend.
“I’ll miss you,” Yubin continued, forcing a scowling Suhwan to look at him. “You’re not going to forget about me, right?”
“You’re making it sound as if I’m going to die tomorrow,” Suhwan rolled his eyes, pinching Yubin’s arm to get his hand off his cheek. “We’re literally going to be seeing each other again on Thursday for Mcountdown. And next Friday, for finals.”
Yubin paused for a moment, before answering him, “you’ll be coming for finals?”
“Duh?” Suhwan replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I have to see you sit on the sofa and be the one who cheers the loudest when that happens, isn’t that the whole point?”
The cute little grin on Yubin already present on Yubin’s cheeks extended into a full smile at Suhwan’s words and he leaned forward to flatten him in another bone-crushing hug, eliciting a surprised “oof” out of the smaller. Suhwan didn’t protest or attempt to pry his arms away like he usually did but accepted the form of affection, especially because he could feel how wide Yubin’s smile was against his shoulder and the rays of happiness that seemed to be radiating from him.
“Are you done?” Suhwan prodded the taller after what felt like a few minutes of them just sitting there and hugging without a word, “I think my lungs are going to be crushed soon.”
“Nope,” Yubin replied cheerfully, squeezing Suhwan even tighter. “I’m not going to let go so you can never be separated from me.”
“Crazy headass,” Suhwan muttered as he jabbed a finger in Yubin’s side, eliciting a shriek that could probably battle with Hyeob’s five octave high note and a loud bang of his head on the top of the bunk above. The two of them froze in complete silence after that, holding their breaths as they heard their roommates stir in their sleep but thankfully not wake up.
“Shit, I'm sorry, are you okay?” Suhwan whispered as he placed a hand on Yubin’s head, massaging it with a worried look on his face.
“This is nothing. Remember the first few days that we were in the A class dorm? I was occupying the bunk above yours and every night without fail I would hit my head on the ceiling when I tried to climb up,” Yubin recalled, removing Suhwan’s hand from his head. “If you didn’t offer to switch with me, I might’ve had a concussion sooner or later.”
“What was I supposed to do then? Listen to you whine like a baby for ten minutes straight every single time it happened?” Suhwan grumbled, but couldn’t suppress his smile at the fond memory. Undeniably, it was because of that incident that the two of them managed to grow close and comfortable with joking around with each other.
“That’s not what the Suhwan from four months ago said to me,” Yubin grinned and leaned back, before springing back up at another recollection. “Oh! Remember the time during Lullaby when both our team and Gukheon hyung’s team ditched practise and hid in the convenience store? And when the staff found us only you and I bolted from them like we were in some Olympics or something?”
"That's because someone was so bad at hiding," Suhwan rolled his eyes but flashed a goofy smile at Yubin. "But I gotta admit, it was fun. That was the peak of my teenage rebellion."
"The apology letters we had to write were even better," Yubin reminded, making Suhwan groan in agony. "You deserved those extra fifty pushups, anyway. Who the hell writes 'I promise not to run away from my problems and fight them with my taekwondo black belt instead' in an apology letter?"
"Shut up. Yours wasn’t that much better,” Suhwan punched Yubin’s arm lightly. “Remember the time we went to Taeeun hyung’s house during Day By Day and nearly set his kitchen on fire while trying to cook breakfast?”
“Excuse me? It was you who nearly did that,” Yubin corrected, and Suhwan turned away sheepishly. “I thought you at least had enough general knowledge to know that putting whole uncooked eggs in the microwave is a terrible idea, but apparently not? Taeeun’s mom was this close to slitting our throats because of you.”
“Fine, I’ll admit that it was my fault,” Suhwan huffed dejectedly, “but you know, my favourite moments were just the two of us sitting on your bed every night to talk like this.”
Ths scowl on Yubin’s face instantly ceased and he turned to look at Suhwan with raised eyebrows.
“Thanks for making my last night here into one of my favourite moments, hyung,” Suhwan smiled, ignoring his heart thumping at an insane speed as he enclosed Yubin’s hands in his. “I don’t know what I’d have done if you weren’t awake to talk to me.”
“You really like seeing me cry, huh?” Yubin chewed on his bottom lip and tried to look away, but Suhwan’s hand on his cheek prevented him from doing so.
“If making you cry now means seeing you smile tomorrow, then I’d rather you cry it all out now. There’s no way I’m leaving this place tomorrow if you’ll be this snotty mess you are right now.”
When Yubin didn’t reply to him for a good minute, Suhwan was starting to think that maybe he should take back his joke when Yubin’s grip on his hands tightened and he turned back to him.
“Cry? I won’t cry,” he replied shakily, the tears in his eyes betraying his words. “As much as I made the happiest memories with you for the past four months, I’ll give the end of our journey together a happy ending too.”
When Yubin sat on his 17th place chair and silently shook with sobs throughout all the speeches from the eliminated trainees sitting opposite him, Suhwan didn’t have any hope that Yubin remembered anything from their conversation a night ago. Gukheon passed the mic to him and now it was his turn to stand up and talk.
“I’m really thankful for this program and all the fans who voted and supported me, allowing my dream of standing on stage and releasing our own song to come true,” Suhwan recited his ment that he had practiced just now. “I wish the top 20 trainees good luck and for the remaining trainees to not be discouraged and give up.”
“Is there anything that you’d like to add on?” Dongwook asked gently.
“Yes. Yubin hyung,” Suhwan cast a glance at the sniffling boy who only seemed to cry harder at the sound of his name. Suhwan chuckled at his adorable appearance, plastering on a strong smile as he fought the tears building up in his eyes back.
“Thank you for making the past four months the happiest four months that I’ve ever experienced,” Suhwan took a deep breath and continued. “I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to make any friends since I’m an individual trainee, so I’m thankful that you approached me first and talked to me and made my experience here not so lonely.”
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it to the finals with you and broke my promise of us debuting together, but… just, thank you. Thank you for everything, hyung.”
And despite the endless stream of tears flowing down Yubin’s cheeks, the moment Suhwan finished speaking and flashed him a smile that hid a thousand emotions, Yubin swallowed the feelings of regret and mustered the biggest, brightest smile that Suhwan had ever seen.
Their journey together might’ve ended, and even though they’d be walking on separate paths from now on, every step they’d taken together was a line written in their fairytale-like story, leading to their own happily ever after.