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“Jaehee, aren’t you excited?” Sae-mi was smiling as she turned around in the kitchen, inspecting everything one last time. There were gleaming mixers and grinders, small saucers stacked in cupboards and white porcelain mugs, unused until today.
Sae-mi...I wish that I could share her excitement. Her confidence. Instead, my stomach was tying itself in knots. I’d barely slept the night before, too focused on what awaited me today, the first day of our café opening.
Our. I couldn’t have done it without Sae-mi. Her encouraging words helped me find strength I didn’t know I had. We would discuss business plans over coffee and cakes, crunching numbers and planning menus. She never let me give up, even at times when I was in over my head, and wondered if leaving Mr. Han had been the right thing to do. It would have been easier, safer, to stay where I was, instead of plummeting into the great unknown.
“Jaehee?” Sae-mi had noticed my uneasy silence. “Is everything all right?”
I clasped my hands together, rubbing one thumb over the other. “I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.”
She tilted her head slightly, her mouth quirked in the way it did when she was incredulous. She knew I wasn’t telling the whole truth. She always knew. “Are you nervous?”
“Yes, I suppose I am.” The end of my sentence burbled out in a small, self-conscious laugh.
Sae-mi let out a short sigh and shut a cupboard door. “You can tell me that, you know. I wish you would.” She chewed her lower lip, her gaze dropping to the floor for a second. “We’re not just business partners. Jaehee, you’re...my best friend.” She turned to me, and gently rested her hand on my shoulder. “You can tell me anything.”
I swallowed. Her touch, however slight, was warm. The knots in my stomach loosened somewhat. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I gave her an apologetic smile. “To tell the truth...I am nervous about the opening.”
“Me too,” Sae-mi admitted, pink rising to her cheeks. She took her hand off my shoulder, but I could still feel its weight. “I keep worrying. Things like, ‘what if they hate my cakes? What if I accidentally used salt in them instead of sugar?’”
I laughed at the thought of Mr. Han eating a dessert laden with salt. “If you did, make sure Mr. Han gets a slice!”
“Yeah, that’ll teach him!” Sae-mi’s laughter joined mine. “Only if you promise to keep it away from Zen. I’m sure he’d be beautiful spitting it out, but still.”
Our laughter quieted. "You know, my parents were really mad when I told them I would be leaving my job to start a business with you." Now her gaze to drop to the floor, and her voice softened. "They said they'd paid for my education, and I was throwing all their money away." There was an edge of bitterness I almost never heard. My Sae-mi was always excited, open-hearted with shining eyes.
My Sae-mi. But that wasn't right. She was my best friend, and not…anything else. I admired her boldness, and was thankful for the courage she brought out in me. That was all.
“But to tell the truth, I wasn’t happy at my job,” Sae-mi went on. “I liked my co-workers, but the work itself made me feel empty. If I got time to myself at the office, I would look at my reflection in the computer monitor and think, 'what am I doing here? This isn't who I am!'" She looked up at me at last, holding me with her eyes. "Jaehee, when you asked me to be your partner, I wanted to say yes right away. But something was holding back."
"I see," I said with a nod. She had hugged me at the party after I'd asked - a surprise on my part - but took a few weeks to give me her answer. "I know there were a lot of things to consider. It's not an easy choice to leave your job, especially when your family doesn't approve." I felt a strange stab of resentment, which turned into a pang of sorrow. What would my parents have thought, if they'd lived to see this day?
“What made you say yes?” There was a tickle in my belly. I was nervous to ask. Why should I be? It was only Sae-mi.
Except there was no such thing as “only Sae-mi” to me, and that was the problem.
There was something unspoken between us. I saw it when we lingered over empty cups of coffee, our conversations far off from the business plans we’d drawn up together. The times when our hands accidentally bumped together, and she let her fingertips stay on mine longer than she needed to. How she’d always insist I take the first piece of cake she made, and how hard she’d hugged me on a bad day.
Did she notice how I smiled whenever I saw her? That those slight touches, the light in her eyes, filled me with warmth? That every time we said good night, I was so excited for morning to come again. Because I loved my coffee shop, the life I was building for myself. The new-found freedom and relief that had come with it. And Sae-mi…
"But I decided I wanted to be like you, Jaehee." Sae-mi smiled at last, that warm smile that I loved.
"Like me?" I blinked in surprise. “There’s nothing special about me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. You followed your instincts and took a risk. Even if we don’t know if our café will fail, or if we’ll succeed, you chose your own path.” Her smile waned. “I feel like I’ve always done what was expected of me.”
Truth be told, I barely heard her. As she spoke of risk, all I could smell was her sweet shampoo above the aroma of cake and coffee. Her voice, so sweet and clear, lips glossy with just a touch of make-up.
I want to kiss Sae-mi.
It was the first time I had thought about it so lucidly. In the small gestures, in that space between her and me, I had known. The desire to take her into my arms and thank her for the courage she helped me find. I had never thought those words exactly...yet here they were, clear as a bell. It was hard to shake myself from that thought and listen to her. Unconsciously, I touched a few fingers to my lips.
“You went and did something all on your own.” She reached out, and took my hand. “I wish you could have seen yourself when you asked me to join you.” Her fingers entwined with mine. “You were radiant.” Somehow she was close, so close. Enough that I could feel her heart beating. Or was it mine? “You were beautiful.”
In the space of a breath, whatever gap between us was closed. Her lips were on mine. I sank into the kiss, and forgot everything. The café, my fears, everything. They all led to this moment. Anything that came after was for later. Now was only about Sae-mi, the taste of her lips, her arms holding me. Those unspoken moments, no longer a mystery.
It was radiant. It was beautiful.