Work Text:
Insubordination
“…epard? John, are you there?” Drowsily I checked around the room. Looked to be the communications room. I must have fallen asleep while talking to… Tevos? “John? Are you okay?” For the time being, all I could muster was a small nod and the briefest smile. “Have you been getting enough sleep? You aren’t looking too good.” “M’okay. I just need some more stims and some caffeine and I’ll be ready to go.” Concern was evident on her face. “I have to go now, John, please, get some sleep… and be careful. The galaxy needs you. I need you.” Be careful. I need you. “I’ll do my best.” Tevos flickered out of existence and I collapsed onto the floor. Be careful. I need you. It was these little things. Always these little things. It’s how we’d known there was something between us. Something that began small but had blossomed over time into something so much, much larger. Originally it had just been Tevos lingering on calls with the council, making sure I was okay and telling me to be careful on the next mission.
From there we had gone to talking about missions over coffee, first in fancy restaurants on the Presidium, then to our own houses, though Tevos’ place was probably an upgrade even from the fanciest coffee shops. Every time she came over to my humble little house on the Wards I felt like I needed to apologise just for living there. She always politely said ‘it’s okay, it’s actually quite nice’ and over time we found ourselves spending more and more time there. She confided with me one day that even though she loved her house, it never quite felt like home, it always felt a little empty, but when she was at my place, it felt full of life, even though most of the things there were coated in dust and half of my electronics didn’t even work. Eventually our days together turned to nights together, watching vids and catching up on work, happy just in each other’s company. Tevos usually always ran home before it got too late, but every now and then she stayed later, though I never really noticed, because I was always asleep on the couch by then, and in the morning, I’d wake up to find her asleep in my bed. After the fourth or fifth time, it kind of just became the norm.
Eventually Tevos even started staying at my place when I wasn’t there, neither of us said anything about it, but I could tell when I got home from some wild assignment (sometimes it felt like Hackett just threw a dart at a list of his chores and sent me to do them for him) and saw the lack of dust and the few personal items that weren’t there before, or that I wouldn’t personally have to begin with. Overtime I found more and more of her stuff moved in, clothes, datapads, bedsheets, toiletries, the likes. She never changed or moved anything that made the house feel like home, she never moved my medals, she never moved my photo’s, she only added to places that were already empty, she added some of her own photo’s, she changed the sheets (it was more her bed than mine anyway) and she made the house ours, not hers and I really, really liked that about her. Without either of us saying anything, we became more than friends and had more or less unofficially moved in together. The battle of the Citadel happened shortly after. I can’t even begin to describe how fearful I was, that Saren had already gotten to the Council. The relief I felt upon hearing they were aboard the Destiny Ascension is indescribable, but the panic set back in when I heard the Ascension was being swarmed by the geth. So, I sent the Alliance in. Every day I feel remorse for sending those brave men and women to their deaths, but I’d make the same decision again and again. After the battle, we had a nice drink in my house, which was remarkably undamaged. For the first time we spent the night in the same bed, falling asleep pressed against each other, neither willing to let go.
Then came the mission that changed it all. The routine patrol for geth, that became not so routine when the Normandy got blown up and I bloody well died. Two years later, I woke up on a hospital bed in a Cerberus facility in the process of collapsing. My first thoughts were patchy, the big one being my morning routine, the briefest of glimpses at a sleeping Tevos, and the smell of bacon in the early morning. Then, Miranda’s voice snapped me back to reality, the commanding tones snapping me to attention and into fight mode. Tevos wasn’t there, I wasn’t even sure if I was at the time. A week later, I’d escaped Minuteman Station, I’d discovered the people behind the colony kidnappings… and I was back on the Citadel, standing outside my little house expecting to go into it and see everything neat and tidy, Tevos’ things spread around the apartment. What I saw was none of those things. The house was dustier than it had ever been, all of Tevos’ things gone, some of my things were gone and almost all of my clothes. Some of my furniture looked like it had been thrown across the room, either from ran sackers (it didn’t look like the house had been broken into) or by a grief stricken, powerful biotic. I felt terrible, the guilt I felt didn’t go away, even as I stood outside Tevos’ door to tell her ‘hey, I’m not dead, I’m alive. Nice to see you again.’ I must have rehearsed a dozen different ways of saying hello, and that I was sorry.
When she opened the door though, none of my prepared responses came out, just a small gurgle as I tried to force the words out of my throat. None came, and Tevos slammed the door on my face. I sent her a message when I was back aboard the Normandy. Hey. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I only found out recently it’s been two years. In fact, I only found out recently I was even gone. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I wasn’t expecting much in the way of replies, but a few minutes later I received a letter from Anderson saying I needed to come and see the Council about the rumours in circulation about me. Twenty-five minutes later when I showed up for that meeting, I couldn’t meet Tevos’ eyes, even though I could feel her staring straight at me. Neither of us stayed around after to talk. My SpecTRe status was re-instated, and Anderson filled me in on everything I’d missed over the two years I was gone. He filled me in on the fact that after I had died, Tevos went a bit off the rails. She wasn’t seen for a week, and when she showed up for Council meetings after that she’d had a raggedy appearance, unkempt. My showing up after two years had shredded all the recovery she had done. The guilt was even more pressing now. Anderson and I said our goodbyes, and I sent Tevos another quick message. I’m so sorry. I understand if you never want to see me again, but please, let me try to explain.
There was still no response, and I had to admit I wasn’t expecting one. Especially not two weeks later, especially not after fighting off half of the mercs of Omega to recruit Mordin Solus and Garrus freaking Vakarian, who had been ‘working’ as a vigilante on Omega for one and a half years after my death. I was sitting in the Normandy’s bar with Garrus, drinking away my sorrows and spilling everything about Tevos and I to my best friend in a moment of weakness, Garrus becoming the first person to ever know about Tevos and I outside of Anderson. His sage advice was perhaps the valuable to me at the time and yet, most mind bogglingly simple I’d ever heard “There’s a human saying, because Human’s have a saying for everything, and it’s; if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, either way, you just have to give it time.” He’d always been one to talk with his hands, and the hand movements he made this time really added a level of sincerity that I truly appreciated. Before I could say thank you, my Omnitool pinged with a message. Next time you’re on the Citadel, come see me. You’ve got your chance. Please don’t blow it. I showed Garrus, and his mandibles stretched out into a smile. “I told you so. Guess you owe me something.” “I think you still owe me something after pulling your ass out of the fire on Omega.” The laughter that elicited was pained but true, and damn, it was nice to have him back.
Next thing I knew, I was back on the Citadel. I’d brought the Normandy here under the pretence of recruiting Kasumi Goto. Admittedly, we did recruit her, the talking advertisement pretty creative, but in reality, I was just there to talk to Tevos. As soon as I’d said ‘welcome aboard’ to Kasumi I made a beeline to Tevos’ house, or well, mansion. I rose my hand up to the doorbell, and then held it there. I know you’re there. I can see you through the security cams. Just come in. My face turned crimson red as I blushed. As the door slid open, memories of coffee dates and hidden glances came rushing in. I prayed that this meeting would go something like that again. Turning into the kitchen, I saw Tevos sitting at the centre island, the air between us tense. Nothing was said for a minute, both of us just taking in the others appearance, seeing what toll two years have taken on us. Her eyes lingered over the surgery scars on my face, while mine lingered over the shirt she was wearing. It was one of my old Blasto shirts, and it looked like it hadn’t been washed in about a week or two. “Tevos…” Her eyes had drifted off, past me, staring into nowhere, and as soon as I talked her eyes snapped back to me. “John, you’ve been gone for two years, you can’t just expect me to bend over and just accept your re-appearance.” Taking a few steps closer, I went to take her hand, but she jerked it away. I explained everything I knew; I spilt my heart to her.
She took a moment to take it all in. I wasn’t expecting her to come straight back to me, but I was expecting a little more than “Ok.” That was all I got, but it got us over the hump. While I was with Cerberus, we began our relationship again, until we were staying at each other’s place again in between missions. Then the crew got taken. I was so keen to head back to the Citadel and see Tevos after the mission, but no, the Collectors had to come and mess up my plans. I rang Tevos. I explained what was happening, how I was about to more than likely die again. I said it all with tears streaming down my face. She cried along with me. She begged me not to do it. She never quite understood what was at stake, hell, she still doesn’t, and I know a part of her, maybe deep down, maybe just below the surface, still resents me for going through the Omega-4 Relay.
Then I survived. Shocking, I know. The whole team survived, and for that I was forever grateful. First thing I did after leaving the Collector Base was to head straight to Tevos. Probably wasn’t my best idea because that was exactly what I was doing a month later when I got caught by the Alliance. Sure, I went peacefully, doesn’t mean I was happy about it though. I couldn’t blame them, I did blow up an entire star system, full of Batarians, and I was reminded of it every time I went to sleep. Regardless, I was mad for a while, even with Tevos’ power, she couldn’t get in to see me. Not even messages got through. I actually ended up begging James to smuggle out a message for me. Good thing he did too, Tevos would have been livid if I hadn’t.
The Reapers hit not too long after, and boy had they been a hot topic of debate between Tevos and I. Whenever we were together, we avoided talking about the Reapers. We’d had discussions about them in the early days, but they always ended in an argument about whether or not the Council should terrify the people and prepare for war. My answer was always a resolute yes, but she did raise some good counterpoints. Either way, we didn’t talk about them. Although, now, sitting on the floor of my communications room, on a ship at the forefront of a war against them, I wish we had of talked more about it. Maybe I could have convinced her to prepare even the slightest. Maybe, but I wasn’t willing to jeopardise our relationship. Maybe that was selfish of me, but it was in the past now, and I couldn’t change that. I didn’t hold any ill will. Towards Sparatus and Valern, sure, but never to her. I understood where she was coming from, and maybe it was the same for the other two, but I always got the feeling it was just because Sparatus was a god damn idiot, and Valern was too busy keeping his hands clean to do anything.
In the end, Valern and Sparatus came through. Sparatus got some Turian support for Earth, and Valern got some Salarian support (keyword, some. The Dalatras still made it a mighty hard time.) So here I am. Sitting on the floor of a communications room. Thinking. Hell, I might not have even been here. I could still be dead somewhere on Alchera. Or maybe this was that seven seconds between death where some (very few) scientists think we relive our entire lives.
Now, there was nothing to do. I blinked, or at least, I thought I did, and it was a week later. I’d sleepwalked through Horizon, mercifully missing most of the horrors committed there. I could tell the others were worried about me, EDI especially, who’d been monitoring me too much. I know it’s her way of showing she cared, but it scared me a little. Even after Legion, artificial life scared me a little but now, with EDI kneeling in front of me, presenting me with a ring, all that fear was gone. It had been a long week, Horizon and then my whole clone debacle, which was still fresh in my mind, and honestly, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore, but EDI presenting me this simple ring, with metals from Earth, Palaven, Thessia and Sur’Kesh all forged into one, did I feel the immense tiredness easing off. Even when I’d been with Tevos this week, I didn’t feel this awake. I hugged EDI, probably the first time I’d hugged anyone other than Tevos, Garrus and Tali in about three years (not including my death) and I felt real, genuine friendship. Maybe I should give hugs more often. Maybe next time I think I’m going to die I’ll give everyone a great big hug.
I hung out with EDI for another hour or two, then I called everyone up for a raging party. Almost the whole crew was there, past and present, but the missing spaces of Legion, Mordin and Ashley (and Chakwas, but that was just her weaselling her way out of treating people for liver poisoning on her time off) were grim reminders of the war going on around us. Tevos had arrived late, looking spectacular as always, and for the first time ever she got to interact with the crew of the Normandy outside of official Council business. The informality was nice, and she really got along with most of the crew (except for Javik, but no-one really got along with him other than me, he was far too condescending to everyone else) and I was surprised to see that she got along really well with Wrex. She seemed to really mesh with Garrus as well, but I wasn’t surprised about that, both of them had too many embarrassing stories about me to share with each other.
Later that night, when everyone was drunker, I revealed one of the galaxy’s worst kept secrets. Tevos and I were together. No-one seemed surprised except for maybe Grunt, but he was young, so I didn’t blame him. The photo we took that night was awkward. Limbs were flailing, people fell asleep while the photo was being taken, honestly, I think Tali was vomiting inside her suit, but everyone was happy, and the kiss Tevos and I had was amazing, and it was all on camera. One big, happy family. I couldn’t imagine a galaxy without them.
I seemed to blink again, and I was on Earth. I hadn’t seen Tevos since the party, I’d only talked to her briefly before the assault on Cerberus, and even then, it had been a patchy connection. I couldn’t reach her before we went to Earth, and I couldn’t reach her once I got there. I feared for her, I feared for myself. I’d said goodbye to the Normandy crew, the whole crew, but I still hadn’t said goodbye to her. I couldn’t stop now, but I had my omni-tool running a constant program that was trying to reach her. Only when I’d hit the beam did I get a signal.
“John? John! Are you there?” Her voice was so scared, I could hardly tell it was her. “Tevos? You’re alive! I’m here, I’m right here sweetie.” They’d never really used terms such as sweetie or honey before, they were usually reserved to emotional moments. God knew this was. “John, the Reapers, they took the Citadel, it all happened so fast. I made it to an escape shuttle. We’ve been sitting in the system for about a day now. I’m not sure how long the supplies are going to last. John, I’m scared. I’m so scared.” His heart stopped. After all this. She was going to die of starvation or dehydration. My mind was working fast, and I forwarded the location to Hackett, my dying wish. “It’s going to be okay sweetie. Someone’s coming to get you. Okay? It’ll be okay. I love you.” That was the first time I’d ever said it out loud, and I guessed it might be the last because through the static, I caught a muffled “I love you too” and then the line went dead. Now all I could hear was the mechanical noises the Citadel was making.
Then I heard Anderson, and I knew it was the beginning of the end. My painful walk towards what Anderson thought was a control centre felt like it took years, but in actuality took a maximum of five or so minutes. I could scarcely remember the encounter with the Illusive Man as I lay dying next to an already dead Anderson, but I could remember ‘I love you too.’ I vaguely noticed myself doing a few more things, pressing buttons, passing out, pressing more buttons. I had imagined the doom of the Reapers would be a bit more climactic. Instead, it just ended with a low hum. I tried to check my omni-tool, but it wasn’t working, neither were the lights, but outside I could see the floating corpses of Reapers. Very anticlimactic, I gotta say. I guess an EMP is the last F you from the Reapers though. Kudos to messing up most everything in the galaxy, you big, dead, lumps of metal.
With nothing to do, I decided to sit back down next to Anderson. Anderson’s final words to me still rang through my head, and they mingled with all the other final words he’d heard today. You did good. I love you too. You were born to do this. Thanks for getting me out of that tank. Only now do I feel alive, that is your influence. The Normandy helped us reclaim our homeworld.
These people had been so important to me, and now they were about to mean nothing, because I wasn’t going to be around for them to be important to me, and that is truly what scared me about death. Not that he I’d be dead, no, it was that I wouldn’t be able to remember the ones important to me, that they wouldn’t be important to me anymore. It didn’t matter though, because sitting there, on the Citadel next to the corpse of the closest person I had to a father, I felt peace. Like I could finally rest, even with the fear of death lingering at the back of my mind, I felt he’d earned this respite.
I drifted off hearing Tevos saying ‘I love you too’ again and again, and I’d never get tired of it. No matter how many times I heard it.