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You can’t catch sunshine in your hands.
This was the thought that ran through He Xuan’s mind as he raised one of his palms to the sky and toward the glow of the sun peeking through the dark rain clouds above. Once he felt a bit of warmth from the rays on his hand, he brought his palm down and cupped his other palm over it. Raising both hands so that they were eye level, he slowly lifted just enough of the top palm to create a small crevice between the two hands and peered in. Darkness.
Tch.
Just what foolish thing was he trying to accomplish anyway?
He shook out this idiotic musing from his mind as he shook off the rain droplets that had gathered on his robes.
“Ol’ Feng, be careful you don’t slip! The ground is still wet.” A gravelly voice called out a little across the way from the building He Xuan was perched on.
“Hey! I’m not that clumsy!” A slightly raspy voice huffed in response to the comment directed at him.
He Xuan lifted his head up and looked toward the direction that voice had come from. A group of beggars all sat on ratty straw mats in a circle, scooping up something that resembled soup from little wooden bowls they were holding and shoveling it into their mouths. They were all watching as another figure a short distance away slowly hobbled toward them while holding a bowl himself.
The figure belonged to a young man wearing ragged clothes and sporting dirty, unkempt black hair. He also had a broken arm and a broken leg. This sort of appearance was nothing unusual in the slums of the royal capital, but the one feature that made this man stand out against all the rest was that whereas most, if not all, of the beggars wore somber faces, his own was oddly full of color and life--accentuated by exceedingly bright eyes.
He Xuan silently watched as this man eventually made his way to that circle of beggars and sat down along beside them. He continued to watch the group in quiet observance as they ate and laughed together, his eyes focused particularly on the young man from before. After a majority of the beggars had finished their meals, they began to stand--most likely to discard their bowls--when that bright-eyed young beggar sprang up from his mat.
“I’ll take them! I’ll take them!”
“What nonsense are you spouting ol’ Feng? You can’t carry all these bowls yourself.”
“I’ll have you know that something like taking a few bowls to be washed is nothing!” The young man humphed and began collecting the bowls from his fellow beggars.
The beggars heartily laughed at his determination and provided words of encouragement to him. He Xuan’s gaze never left the young beggar as he staggered to a small creek a short distance away and rinsed out the bowls. The effort the young man had to exert to do such a simple task was far greater than if anyone else had done it, as he only had one arm to work with. On his way back to that same group of beggars, the young man lost his balance and nearly fell twice. Both times he was caught by a nearby individual, both times he thanked the person and laughed it off. Both times were heart wrenching.
Similar scenes played out every day. He Xuan knew, because for the past year he had witnessed them with his own eyes. Since the day his identity as the supreme ghost king Black Water had been revealed and he finally exacted vengeance on those who wronged him, he had been frequenting this mass of beggars. With the Water Master Shi Wudu, retribution had been swift and over in a second. However, in Shi QingXuan’s case, retribution was an ongoing event. Shi QingXuan had been plucked from the comfortable life he had known as a popular god and tossed into the slums of the royal capital to live out the rest of his days as a miserable vagrant.
At first, He Xuan had convinced himself that his frequent visits to the temple Shi QingXuan now resided in were merely to ascertain that the punishment bestowed upon him was satisfying. And in the beginning, it was satisfying. Or, at least in the beginning he did a good job of convincing himself that it was.
Every time he saw Shi QingXuan about to fall as he was walking, He Xuan would instinctively reach out a hand, immediately pulling it back once he realized what he was doing. Countless times, Shi QingXuan’s incessant nagging would trigger his reflex of saying “get lost,” before understanding that Shi QingXuan’s nagging was no longer aimed at him. And that, the place next to Shi QingXuan was no longer his. No, it didn’t take long for He Xuan to realize that nothing about the current state of things brought him either joy or satisfaction. How could it? Perhaps if the time he had spent masquerading as the Earth Master and as Shi QingXuan’s friend had truly been just a facade.
How He Xuan wished it had all been a ruse and nothing more.
Ever since discovering the injustice done to him, He Xuan had wanted to exact revenge on Shi Wudu. He had wanted to make him suffer as much as he himself had suffered. He had wanted to torment him as his family had been and as he himself still was. He had wanted to rip Shi Wudu’s loved one away from him, just as He Xuan’s own loved ones had been ripped away from him. If only Shi Wudu’s loved one had been anyone other than Shi QingXuan.
When He Xuan began the gimmick of posing as the Earth Master, he had readied himself for anything. Or, at least that’s what he thought. What He Xuan hadn’t planned for was the brother of the hateful person who switched his fate, the very person who stole his life and future, being the same person who would give both back to him.
Following the tragedy that befell his family and himself, it was as if a light in He Xuan had been extinguished. The light that provided him with the ability to love and care for others. A light that instilled a glowing sort of warmth within him. A soft warmth that was promptly replaced with a harsher fiery flame hungry for revenge.
And yet, for hundreds of years, He Xuan ironically enough found himself walking side by side with the personification of warm sunshine. The same person who unknowingly helped douse the warmth within him, ignited a small fire allowing him to feel it again. Shi QingXuan’s very presence in his life had singlehandedly lit up the world he had thought would remain forever shrouded in darkness. His mere presence instilled in He Xuan the very warmth he had long since forgotten he was even possible of possessing.
Even if he always denied and hid his true feelings with silence at times and rude remarks at others, the truth was that Shi QingXuan’s existence was just as important to He Xuan as his fiancee and family’s had been. Every time Shi QingXuan smiled, it was as if the day would become brighter ever so slightly. Every time his voice rang out in that chirpy voice calling “Ming-xiong!” it was as though the warmth within He Xuan would intensify. This incredibly dazzling person had taken up the space next to He Xuan for so long.
Somehow, He Xuan had held sunshine in his hands.
But He Xuan couldn’t continue to hold onto sunshine and his desire for revenge simultaneously. To hold onto one would mean letting go of the other. To keep his hold on sunshine would mean letting go of any thought of vengeance. Letting go of his wish for revenge would mean forgetting what was done to him--what was done to his family. And that was something He Xuan could not allow himself to do.
Even so, He Xuan desperately tried to keep the sunshine in his hands. He desperately tried to continue feeling that warmth. He gave Shi QingXuan so many chances, countless chances to remove himself from the equation that only required himself and Shi Wudu. Nevertheless, Shi QingXuan continued dragging himself deeper and deeper forcing He Xuan to pull one final act of desperation. In that prison cell, he had given Shi QingXuan the command to choose between his best friend or his brother. Though He Xuan knew deep in his soul what the outcome would be, he still had held onto the tiny sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe , Shi QingXuan would choose him after all. But he quickly woke up from that dream.
For a fleeting moment, He Xuan had held sunshine in his hands.
That moment was filled with more light and warmth than he had ever experienced before.
And by his own hand, he had ended that moment.
“You shouldn’t eat so fast, Ming-xiong!”
Hearing that familiar phrase, He Xuan snapped back to the present and he shifted his gaze back to where it was before.
Shi QingXuan was still sitting with those beggars, but unlike before, instead of his face being lively and colorful, it looked like it had been drained of all blood.
“I- I mean uh… Ah aha ha! I’m terribly sorry, you just reminded me of someone I used to know.” He scratched his head and twitchily smiled.
“Who’s Ming-xiong?” One of the beggars asked while the others intently listened for a response. They had never heard much about Shi QingXuan’s life before he arrived before them so their interest was peaked.
“Um... he...was my best friend.” Shi QingXuan still wore a smile, but the unease behind it wasn’t very well hidden.
His answer was to be expected, but hearing him say it aloud combined with the nervous look on his face still caused He Xuan to feel a pang of sorrow.
Not wanting to hear anymore answers to the onslaught of questions being directed at Shi QingXuan regarding him, He Xuan turned to leave back to his domain when one particular question caused him to falter in his step.
“Was what he did to you unspeakable?”
“Huh? What… what do you mean?”
The person who asked was an older beggar with a gruff voice and gentle eyes.
“Well, you’re not friends anymore right? And by the look on your face, it’s not over a little thing neither. We know you too well ol’ Feng to know it couldn’t be ‘cause of you. So, was what he did to you something that can’t be easily forgiven?”
He Xuan waited for what felt like an eternity for Shi QingXuan’s reply.
“Yes.”
Another pang . He Xuan closed his eyes.
“Even so, would you forgive him? Even now?”
Shi QingXuan lowered his head ever so slightly, as if he was giving the question some thought, and as he raised it again to give his reply, He Xuan coincidentally opened his eyes.
“Yes.” Shi QingXuan smiled and two lines of tears streaked his face.
At that moment, the sunlight above reflected off of Shi QingXuan’s face and the image it cast was striking. His entire face was illuminated and his bright eyes shone even more brilliantly than they had before. And for a brief second, Shi QingXuan looked like his previous noble Wind Master self.
The sight and Shi QingXuan’s answer made He Xuan’s heart throb.
“Well, then I’m sure one day you guys’ll find your way back to each other!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah ol’ Feng, don’t give up hope!”
The beggars rallied around Shi QingXuan, patting his shoulders, head, and back, and giving him words of encouragement and reassurance. The deluge of kind words caused Shi QingXuan to smile happily as silent tears continued to roll down his cheeks.
Before this new information could cause He Xuan to overload, he decided to finally return to his domain. A flurry of thoughts swirled around in his head as he made his way back. Before he crossed over into the Black Water Demon Lair, a single ray of sunlight glinted on his hand and he raised his palm to the sky one more time.
I don’t deserve to hold sunshine in my hands anymore.
But perhaps....perhaps in the future I’ll at least be allowed to feel some of its warmth again.