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Sitting up and reaching for his glasses, Yuuri let out a frustrated sigh. He’d been in bed for hours with little luck falling asleep. He was no stranger to sleepless nights. There had been countless times he’d been kept up by anxieties or nerves, mind spinning until the sun rose over the horizon. With everything that had been going on lately, it was a miracle he got any sleep at all. Luckily brutal conditioning and long practices had worn his body down to exhaustion; he’d been asleep as soon as he hit the bed most nights.
Glasses slid into place, Yuuri felt around for his phone until his fingers connected with the cool plastic surface of his case. He brought it up close to his face before clicking the home button to determine the time. Blinding light emitted from the screen, but he was able to make out 3:26 am before squeezing his eyes shut and pointing it down towards the floor. He ran a hand through his hair, shoving his bangs back. He flopped back down into bed, landing with a soft thump. It was so late, or early now that it was technically the next morning, and he had to get up for practice in just a few hours. Letting out a long breath, he pushed himself to his feet. Clearly, just lying in bed wasn’t getting him anywhere. He shuffled out of the room, careful to make as little noise as possible while sliding the door shut. Gently walking down the hall, he passed Victor’s room and made it to the stairs. The last thing he would want to do was wake Victor in the middle of the night while he’d been working so hard to coach him.
Yuuri flipped a light on once in the kitchen, wincing as his eyes adjusted. He began going through the familiar motions of making a cup of tea. After filling the kettle with water, he set it on the stovetop. Turning the knob until the fire came to life, he watched as the flames danced below the kettle. He sorted through the teas until finding the chamomile blend. It was caffeine-free and calming, so therefore perfect for a 3:00 am cup of tea. The water soon began to rumble and steam, so he turned off the heat and scooped up some of the dried chamomile flowers. Dumping them into the pot, he watched as they fell in and slowly started to stain the water a pale yellow color. Pulling his attention away from the tea, he hunted for a mug and strainer. Once found, he leaned on the counter, forearms propping his body up, and watched as the tea turned from a light color to a rich and deep gold.
There was something about the middle of the night that Yuuri loved. Everything seemed to calm and still. There was no chaos or worry, only quiet and peace. He found it much easier to relax, yet at the same time, there was nothing to distract him from his own thoughts. It was also easy to spiral out of control, spending hours obsessing over something trivial, just for morning to arrive and to realize that it never really mattered to begin with.
Shaking the thoughts away, Yuuri peered into the kettle. Deciding that the tea had brewed for long enough, he carefully poured the hot liquid through the strainer and into his cup. Gingerly taking the hot mug into his hands, Yuuri wrapped his fingers around the mug. Settling down on a cushion and placing his mug on the table, his eyes were drawn to the steam drifting away from the tea before disappearing into nothingness. It was beautiful, yet fleeting and untouchable. If not for the lack of sleep he may have found it in himself to compare it to Victor, so close but just out of reach. Instead, he simply brought the mug to his lips. A quick sip warmed his throat, the comforting flavor helping to put his mind at ease.
Tapping his phone screen, it illuminated with the time again. This time, the light was manageable, tempered by the overhead lights of the kitchen. The minutes ticked by, his alarm getting closer and closer as each one passed. On a whim, he opened up his phone and scrolled through his contacts. He landed on a very familiar name, Phichit Chulanont. It hadn’t been too long since he had last seen Phichit, yet he missed the constant warmth and optimism by his side. Tapping the call button, he brought the phone up to his ear.
Moving to Detroit was one of the scariest and most exciting things Yuuri had ever done in his life. He was leaving the comfort of his home, family, and even his own country. But, it was to further his competitive career. Celestino had been invaluable in advancing his skills, so of course the experience was worth it. However, Phichit had been the one to make it enjoyable. He had bonded with Yuuri right away over their passion for skating. His compassionate and easy-going nature was a perfect counterpart to the stressed and anxious side of Yuuri. They could talk about anything and everything, and he was always there to listen.
“Hello?” Phichit’s voice crackled through the speaker.
“Hi, it’s me. Are you at practice?” Yuuri answered, one hand wrapped around his phone, the other around his mug.
“Yep, but I’m on a break,” Phichit’s peppy voice was a welcome sound. “Isn’t it really late there? What’s up?” Concern crept into his voice. He knew that Yuuri had trouble sleeping occasionally, being roommates and all, but he still worried for his friend.
“Yeah, it’s like 3:30.” The 13 hour time difference between Detroit and Hasetsu meant that it was mid afternoon for Phichit. That big of a difference usually made communicating a bit tough, but texting always worked well enough since they could just answer whenever they were awake. “I just- I don’t know Phichit.” Letting out a long breath, Yuuri slumped against the table, leaning his upper body against its surface with a hand propping up his head.
After Socchi, his life had basically turned upside down. He went from one of the lowest lows to his life and skating career, to soaking in the onsen and being coached by his idol, Victor Nikiforov. He was so thankful. Victor was producing results; Yuuri won the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship by a relatively wide margin. His short program, while very different from his usual style, was commanding attention and was rewarded with a high score. And of course, it was a dream come true to spend so much time with Victor, yet he was more stressed than ever. The stakes were raised impossibly high. With the Cup of China coming up soon, he had to perform spectacularly. Now, if he failed, Yuuri wouldn’t just be disappointing himself, he’d be disappointing Victor’s fans, Yuri, basically the entire figure skating community, and worst of all, Victor himself.
“Everything is changing, for the better, but I’m overwhelmed,” Yuuri admitted. Overwhelming: that summarized the experience pretty well. Victor had come crashing into Yuuri’s life like a beautiful, chaotic storm. “It’s just a lot to take in.”
Phichit hummed in response, affirming what Yuuri said. “I’m sure it is. You live with the Victor Nikiforov,” he replied. “Eighteen year-old Yuuri would have had a heart attack and died,” he finished, a warm chuckle following his words.
“I’m not sure twenty-three year-old Yuuri is faring much better.” Whether it was just a European tendency, his personality, or something else, Victor was always far too close for comfort. It wasn’t that Yuuri didn’t like it, but he constantly felt like his heart was going to burst. It was always something: a firm touch correcting his posture, leaning in a little close, or asking to sleep together. He was starting to think that personal space was not in Victor’s vocabulary.
“How is it? Living out your dream?” Phichit questioned. Yuuri pondered the question for a moment. He’d barely even had time to process that he was, in fact, living his childhood dream. It was everything he’d imagined, but it was reality too. Sure, he was being coached by his idol, but that didn’t magically solve all his problems. It fixed some of them and also created some more. He logically knew that people would have higher expectations for him now and that he’d be harder on himself. The problem he didn’t anticipate as a kid was the adult reality of living with someone you loved for basically your whole life. The crush he’d developed on Victor through years of idolizing was becoming an issue.
“Yes and no,” Yuuri replied, knowing that it wasn’t really much of an answer. “It’s just… Sometimes, he’s so pretty I think I’m going to faint,” Yuuri mumbled. His cheeks burned and he knew his face would be flushing to a deep crimson. While he’d admitted to himself long ago that he had a crush on Victor, and it went further than just admiring his skating, the embarrassment of saying it out loud still hit him hard. He’d gushed to Phichit about how cool Victor was countless times, but now that he knew Victor personally, and he wasn’t just some celebrity image, it felt all the more real. He found himself wanting to reach out and close the space between them more often than he’d like to admit.
“Yuuri, You’re in love! That’s so cute!” Phichit’s voice was suddenly much louder, excitement evident in his tone.
“I- I don’t know about that,” Yuuri sputtered back. He wouldn’t deny that there were definitely feelings there. He just wasn’t quite sure that they could be called love. Not yet anyway. His attachment to Victor was growing each day. Being the first person Yuuri saw every morning and usually the last one he saw at night was starting to wreak havoc on any and all rational thoughts. Yuuri knew that Victor was his coach, and getting involved could get really messy, but when Victor pulls him into a hug, he never wants to pull away. But, it didn’t matter in the long-run anyway. Victor was the top figure skater in the world, anyone would be thrilled to date him and there’s no way he’d ever look at someone like Yuuri in a romantic light. It was a miracle that he had even seen Yuuri’s video and decided he was worthy of Victor’s coaching.
“Just be sure to invite me to the wedding,” Phichit laughed, the sound bright and clear.
“It’ll never happen, Phichit. You know me. I’ll just enjoy every second I have now, while he’s looking at me, probably have a couple panic attacks along the way, and cry when Victor inevitably goes back to St. Petersburg. I’m just trying not to get my hopes up too high.” While Yuuri knew he’d probably get hurt in the future, he figured he could at least indulge himself for now. As embarrassing as it was, he allowed himself to enjoy Victor’s closeness. He’d take an extra glance when Victor walked out of the onsen in only a towel, or even the simple things like enjoying a meal together.
“Come on Yuuri, you have to go after him! You just don’t give yourself enough credit. Anybody would be lucky to have you!” This was why Yuuri always loved talking to Phichit. He was always there to make Yuuri feel better about himself and shower him with encouragement.
“I’ll think about it.” A small smile tugged at the corners of Yuuri’s lips. “I should probably go, I need to sleep.” He didn’t even want to think about how exhausting practice was going to be tomorrow on this little sleep.
“Definitely! Call me again soon, okay?” Phichit replied.
“Of course,” Yuuri hung up his phone and laid it on the table next to his now mostly empty mug. He did feel a bit better now, having talked with Phichit.
Leaning back, he laid back on the ground, legs stretched out under the table, gathering his resolve to get up and head back up to bed, hoping to get some sleep. Then, his eyes settled on a figure stepping into the kitchen. “Victor!” Yuuri all but squeaked, bolting upright and smacking his knees on the table in the process. He winced at the pain, but scrambled to his feet, turning to face Victor. Hoping the panic wasn’t showing on his face, he offered a small smile. “Why are you up?’ He questioned, desperately hoping Victor hadn’t heard anything from his conversation with Phichit. He might actually die if that happened.
“Water,” He replied simply. “But, I could ask you the same question.” Victor retrieved a glass and filled it up with water before turning back to Yuuri.
“Um, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought tea might help.” Not mentioning the phone call seemed like the safest option. Hopefully he could escape back to his room before Victor asked any more questions.
“Who was on the phone?” Victor asked with his usual bright smile and energetic tone. A new wave of panic rushed through him and Yuuri felt his heart sink. This was it. He was going to have to retire from figure skating and never show his face again. He couldn’t even hope that Victor would misunderstand the call. Yuuri had even mentioned Victor by name.
“How much did you hear?” Yuuri said, voice quiet and eyes downcast. He was clinging onto the hope that all Victor had heard was their good-byes like it was a lifeline.
“Just something about not getting your hopes up. Worried about getting to the Grand Prix?” Victor took a sip of his water, looking at Yuuri with innocent eyes. Relieved, Yuuri started heading toward the stairs, trying to ease his way out of the conversation.
“Something like that,” He agreed, too tired to come up with anything else. That made sense and Victor would understand. Victor followed him to the stairs, heading back to his own room as well.
“Well, don’t worry. You can do it, no problem. You have the best coach out there,” Victor replied, another smile spreading across his features. Despite the tension of the situation, Yuuri felt his nerves settle with the reassurance from Victor, even if it wasn’t relevant at the moment.
“Thanks. I, uh, should probably get some sleep,” Yuuri said as they reached the door to Victor’s room.
“Yep! I’ll see you in the morning,” Victor replied, opening his door. “Oh, and Yuuri, if you ever feel faint, I’ll catch you.“ He finished with a wink. At that, Victor slid his door shut, leaving Yuuri standing in the hallway, staring at the door. Something in his brain short circuited at the comment. Victor had heard everything. All of it. He was completely unable to process what Victor just said to him, and didn’t think he’d be able to even if he were well-rested. Blush flaming on his cheeks and heart pounding, Yuuri stumbled back to his room in a daze. Convinced he was delirious and had been hearing things, he rejected the possibility of Victor taking any interest in him. It was crazy. Maybe it had been a dream instead. It was easier to believe that he’d finally lost it. Shaking his head, he fell onto his bed, letting his phone slide to the floor.
The night ahead was sleepless, but far too short. Yuuri was still processing when the sun rose. Doing his best to shake it off, he prepared for practice with Victor. He knew it was going to be a very long day.