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“Why does he want her?” Nicasia had asked Locke, her tone was filled with disgust and defeat. “I am a princess, she is a mere mortal,” she spat out the last word as if it was poisonous. “He’s out of his damned wits,” she angrily added, glowering at the dancing couples in the middle of the room.
“I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?” Locke replied uninterested, and proceeded to search the ballroom for something. Nicasia followed him, and so did I, hiding behind the larger pillars.
“I did,” she replied. Locke instantly circulated himself to face her, his red eyebrows were peaked up with sudden interest. He really did love stories.
“And what did our beloved Cardan have to say?” He questioned and set the glass of wine on the table. She glared at him and he crossed his arms, waiting.
“He wouldn’t tell me at first. I even begged him and he ordered me away,” she said, exasperated as if it had been running through her mind for hours.“I threatened to bring her back to the undersea and he grabbed my throat and told me if he saw any of my people near her, he wouldn’t hesitate to slit their throats and throw them back in the waters for everyone to see.” She whispered harshly but loud enough for me to hear. “And that the same went for me,” she shattered a bottle of wine in her hand, making me flinch.
“Oh did he now?” Locke laughed, unsurprisingly amused as he picked up a cup and sipped the faerie wine. “Tell me more.” He was enjoying the information far more than I would have expected, even Nicasia appeared a bit shocked.
“I told him I wasn’t leaving until he answered me, and for some irritating reason,” she put her hands on the table, “that got him to confess.”
“And,” Locke pressed and excitement flooded his features. Nicasia rolled her eyes at his eagerness, her surprise replaced with annoyance.
“He told me,” she frowned and I could see the hurt in her eyes. She would be the only one to pity herself, I would never forget or forgive what she did to me under the sea. “That when he lost me, getting me back wasn’t the first thing on his mind, but it was the only thing on his when he lost her.” She pouted, then played with her fingers. I stopped breathing. “That he could lose me a thousand times and it still wouldn’t compare to the devastation he felt when he lost her.” I left before I heard anything else.
My heart is beating too fast as I approach the guards barricading his door. “You can return two hours from now.” The four of them glance at each other, unsure whether to follow my orders or not. I am not putting up with any this bullshit right now. “Do not make me repeat myself,” I warn and they nod, this time they don’t hesitate to leave.
I don’t bother knocking.
“Tell me you hate me,” I demand, slamming the door shut. Cardan whips his head toward me, startled. He’s sitting at his desk and I see papers scattered all over, a few fly to the ground.
“What?” He blurts out, his black eyes wide. He drops the pen in his hand.
“Tell me,” I take a few steps in his direction, “that you hate me.” My lip quivers despite my attempt to appear careless. Lessons with Madoc hadn’t prepared me for this moment, for this type of strength. Cardan’s expression only changes slightly, I think a hint of fear was added to it. He slowly rises from the desk, eyeing me warily. He’s still wearing the same outfit from today, though the dramatic coat rests on the back of his chair.
“Jude, you need to calm down,” he’s not looking at me as he says it. I follow his gaze and it lands on my hands. I hadn’t realized how badly I was shaking or how much confronting him would affect me. I hadn’t imagined this situation in a million years.
“Tell me!” I yell, taking another step. Only a few more and I’ll be close enough to hit him. “Tell me you would be better off without me,” I take another step, “Tell me how much you wish I didn’t exist,” another, one more step and I could easily scream in his face. “Tell me Nicasia twisted your words for Locke’s sympathy.” He lifts his head up then to look at me, worry plastered on his face. “Tell me you didn’t tell her I was the only thing on your mind when you lost me.” His eyes go wide again. “That losing her a thousand times didn’t compare to how you felt when you lost me.” I wait for an answer but he doesn’t move an inch. I’m not even sure he’s breathing. “Please, Cardan, just tell me–”
“Stop,” he looks like he’s in agony, “stop asking me these questions,” he begs and I see the plead in his eyes. I begin to hear rain splattering against the windows.
“Why?” I ask, “Why won’t you answer me?” I am on the edge of breaking and I’m trying so hard to not fall apart. “Answer me!” I take the last step I can toward him.
“No,” he says angrily, backing away.
“Why?” My voice is small. I will not cry in front of him. I will not be weak. “Why?” I attempt asking more boldly. It sounds the same as the first try.
“Because I don’t want to,” he responds stubbornly and his voice rises, “And just because you’re Jude doesn’t mean I have to,” we’re both breathing heavily now. He comes back over to me, promise in his eyes, and leans down, “I told you I don’t take commands from mortals,” he spits in my face.
“That doesn’t mean it’s still true,” I inform him and his top lip curls. “Get it over with and tell me! Tell me and I swear , I’ll be out of your life forever.” A tear falls from my eye and he lifts and hand up to wipe it. I swat his hand away before he even touches me. “Tell me that you hate me!”
“I cannot,” I hear the restraint in his declaration, see it through his mask. Vines start curling around the doors and windows and walls.
“Why?” I am only a few levels lower than screaming.
“Because I. Don’t. Hate. You,” he bites out and I catch the animosity in his eyes. I might have been frightened if I wasn’t already so terrified.
“Why?” he turns away from me toward the desk, pissing me off more than I thought possible. I move to grab his shoulders and twist him to face me. His eyes are closed and he looks like he’s in so much pain. “Why!” I scream and his eyes snap open and he puts his hands on the sides of my face.
“Because I love you!” Thunder strikes and I jerk my arms away as if it's struck me.
No.
No.
He is lying and he is breaking what is left of my stupid, stupid mortal heart.
“No.” I start shaking my head vigorously, “No,” my voice breaks and it takes all the strength I have left to keep myself from falling into the floor or into his arms. Nausea creeps up on me as the vined walls start closing in on me. “No no no no no,” the simple two letter word becomes more indistinguishable as I continue to say it.
“You can’t say ‘no’ and expect it to help,” he sneers, “believe me, Jude, I have tried many times.” The image of the piece of paper with my name written all over it pops into my head. I scowl at him and he’s taken aback. He points a finger at me, “You wanted the truth and you got it.” He takes a deep breath, regaining his composure. “I love you,” his eyes almost flutter shut, his hand dropping, thunder booms, though not as loud as before, “and now we will both have to live with the atrocious fact.”
“You don’t love me,” I mouth and he reads my lips.
“Oh trust me, Jude, I don’t want to.” he shakes his head back and forth, “every time I look at you I want to hate you, I want to want to hurt you over and over and over again just as I did a year ago. And I can’t. I could never hate or hurt you because you make me feel alive. You make my life worth living, and if I hate you for that, I could never be the man I have been so desperately trying to be for you.” He drops his head in his hands and my vision blurs.
He’s confessed too much in too little time and I can’t handle it. They say lies kill but oh, the truth is so much worse. It puts you together then slowly takes apart every little bit of yourself that you have created to make yourself stronger. It takes those pieces and burns them piece by piece until the only thing you have left is that remaining ember, which soon cools to ash anyway. Then you’re left with nothing except the truth and are forced to continue existing with it because it will always be there to remind you of what truly terrifies you the most.
And his truth terrifies me the most.
“I’m so scared, Cardan.” I whisper and he whips his head up, his expression impassive. “I am so scared of love and what kind of person it could make me. Loving someone means they can be taken away from me and if that happens again-” I crumple to the floor and cover my face with my shaking hands. Seconds later Cardan is by my side pulling me into his lap and I let him. I feel his mouth press on the top of my head and I cry harder.
“I know,” he says and starts to rub circles on my back, I hear the thick vines slithering away, “I know,” he rests his head on mine, “just breathe, please,” I scrunch his dark shirt with both of my hands to remind myself that he is here and this is real.
“Please don’t leave me,” I breathe into his chest, clinging onto him like he’ll disappear at any second. He holds me tighter reassuringly and I hope he understands the hidden meaning to my words.
And he did understand. For the first time, he slowly felt his heart start to become whole.
“I will never leave you, Jude. Never.” We stay on the ground holding each other for hours.
And we stayed together for the rest of our lives.