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"This is a really bad idea." Scott thought to himself. "It's not like I can just leave him alone. What if he passes out and dies?? Then it'll be all my fault. Ugh. I can't just leave him here to die."
“Derek, how much of that whiskey did you have buddy?” he asked trying to take away the bottle from Derek.
Even shit faced, Derek had faster reflexes and kept the bottle just out of Scott's reach. Scott sighed and sat down across from Derek.
“Not enough.” Derek wasn't quite slurring but it disgustingly obvious how not sober he was.
Scott sighed again running a hand through his hair. It was just his luck Allison had decided to finally take Lydia's invitation for a girls night out with Kira, Cora and Erica. Now he was stuck here baby sitting drunk ass Derek. Being alpha was bullshit if it meant babysitting the oldest pack member. He'd become a wolfsitter. Scott snorted to himself. Stiles would have been proud of that one.
“Did you know they came here to get ready?” Derek leaned forward, his elbow on his knee. He was pointing a finger at Scott while holding the bottle in the other hand waiving it around a little too animatedly for Scott's liking, “Because my bafroom has the best lighting. Dafuck that mean? Do you know what that fucking means, Scott? 'Cause I sure as fucking don't.”
Scott was trying his hardest not to burst out laughing at Derek's rant. He'd never seen Derek like this before. Sure, they've been drunk together before but Derek was never one to get belligerent drunk. That was Stiles. At Cora's graduation Stiles had gotten so piss drunk he started throwing grapefruits at people screaming “Pikachu I choose you!”. The rest of the pack, all buzzed on wolfsbane laced booze, had thought it was hilarious when Isaac threw one back yelling “Charizard! Kick his ass!”. Or that one time Isaac convinced Stiles that he could in fact become a werewolf by drinking from the same bottle of spiked booze. That was hilarious and Scott is so glad that they caught Stiles' freak out on video.
Stiles wasn't here tonight though, tonight Derek decided it was his turn to get white girl wasted.
“You know what's total bullshit though, Scotty” Derek swayed a bit to the left, “Stiles. Stiles is bullshit.”
Scott raised both brows at that. Everyone knew the huge boners Derek and Stiles had for one another, except for Derek and Stiles. It was getting ridiculous. Stupid ridiculous.
Scott's grin got impossibly wider as a brilliant plan hatched under his mopy brown hair. He slipped his phone out of his pocket, thumbing his way carefully to the camera setting. He aimed it carefully at Derek while recording.
“What about Stiles? What's wrong with my best friend?” Scott edged on trying to hide his amusement.
Derek gave an exasperated whine that Scott had never heard come out of Derek before. Ever. Derek blinked twice then said:
“Eh-veh-ree-thiing.”
Scott couldn't stop the laughter that broke out of his mouth even if he tried.
“C'mon, he's not that bad”, Scott halfheartedly defended his best friend .
Derek shook his head with a scowl. Normally a scowl would set everyone back but tonight Derek's face wasn't as menacing. His scowl was more an angry pout. If Scott was honest, it was cute. Derek Hale was pouting like some cute little puppy. Scott was so glad he was recording all of this.
“You don't think so because you're immune to his shenanigans and general tom foolery.” Derek took another drink straight from the bottle.
Shenanigans? Tom foolery? Had Derek sat around and watching nothing but British TV shows before getting wasted? Scott's ribs threaten to crack under the pressure from trying not to laugh in Derek's face. He was sure his face was red and he might look like he was holding in a fart.
“Derek,” Scott's nose twitched to keep from cracking up, "What did Stiles do to get you this upset?”
Derek gave another whine from the back of his throat. Instead of answering he took another swig of his bottle. Scott scooted himself to the edge of the seat leaning the phone on the glass that someone had left on the table, so the camera was still aimed at Derek.
Wait, Scott's brows raised as he took in the cup from of him. Derek hated leaving cups or anything really, on his coffee table. He hated when Stiles would purposely leave his soda cans or food wrappers anywhere that wasn’t the trash or recycling bin. Scott inhaled deeply, taking in all the scents in the room. Derek, obviously, the strongest, then Cora, Allison's too. Lydia's stupidly sweet perfume made him twitch his nose and finally Stiles.
Normally Stiles' scent wouldn't mean a damned thing since he was over a lot. As far as Scott was aware of Stiles' hadn't been over to Derek's for a while, school and work had taken up a lot of his time lately. Not that Scott resented it or anything but he missed his best friend.
“Derek, was Stiles here with the girls tonight?” Scott spoke slowly and calmly like he would with a spooked animal.
His pack mate gave a grunt that he took as a yes. Oh this was too good. What the hell was Stiles doing with on a girls night out? Why wasn't he invited? He was just as fun as Stiles. As soon as he stopped filming he was going to have a serious talk with Stiles. Thinking it was okay to leave Scott out of girls night out like that.
Scott was getting ready to try and coax some more information out of Derek when Derek started rambling again.
“Who the fuck does he think he is? Strolling in here like he owns the damn place. Him and my stupid sister. I bet it was all her doing.” Derek stood up and started pacing, “She knows. I know she knows because she told me she knew I know she knows. She knows and she still did it.”
Scott couldn't be more confused right now.
“What does she know Derek? That you have a huge boner for Stiles?”
Derek's brows furrowed at Scott's choice of words. Complete confusion marked his face. He looked down at his crotch and palmed himself over his shorts. Scott laughed at Derek.
“Not right now dumbass,” he said once he calmed down a bit, “In general. So what did Stiles do to get you this drunk?”
Derek flopped, yes he actually flopped, back on the couch. His arms out stretched like he was some sort of angsty teenager who got told he couldn't go hang out with his crush tonight. The liquid in the bottled sloshed with the hard movement, if it wasn't because the bottle was half empty Derek would have gotten whiskey all over his couch.
Scott wondered how long it would take for Derek to fess up before he passed out. As it was, it looked like he had already passed out. The steady rise and fall of his chest being the only indication that he hadn't died yet.
“They were twerking, Scott. In my baffroom. In my living room. In my sat-sanc- my fucking house. All the fucking where.” Derek hissed.
“What?” Scott stupidly asked.
He'd heard the words jut fine but he couldn't comprehend them. His Allison was twerking? And he wasn't present to see it? The cosmos hated him.
“Twerking. I didn’t even know that was a dance move. It's not even a dance move. It's....it's stooopid,” the way Derek had elongated the word made Scott realize how much of Stiles' mannerism had slipped into Derek, “I hate Cora. So much. And Katy Perry. Fuck Katy Perry and her stupid cock song.”
“What cock song?” Scott was having such a hard time following Derek's tale it stopped being hilarious like 20 seconds ago. You'd think that being friends with Stiles for so long he'd be used to ramblings but Derek was giving dear ole Stiles a run for his money.
“The peacock-cock-cock song.” Derek waved a hand at Scott like he was stupid for not knowing what Derek was talking about. He took another long drink of his bottle making Scott wince. Scott didn't know if werewolves could get alcohol poisoning and he didn't want to find out. Stiles would kill him if he let Derek die.
“He was just shaking his perfect ass all over the place Scott! I can't deal with that shit,” Derek whined. “Stiles has no moves, why do I want him so badly? I am a grown man, Scott. Senseless ass shaking should not have this effect on me. So stupid. Him and his stupid perfect ass.”
Scott was leaning on the side of the couch laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. There was even a moment where he was pretty sure he stopped breathing making him sound like a dying walrus. Suddenly that text from Allison telling him to check on Derek had turned from being the worst thing in the world, to being the best thing that had ever happened to him this week.
Scott finally composed himself, wiping tears from his eyes and a little bit of dribble from his chin.
Shut up. Drunk Derek was that funny.
Derek had passed out with a tight grip on the neck of the bottle. His mouth was wide open, in between loud snores that would probably scare little children, he would mumble half sentences. Scott wasn't sure but he heard him mumble something about paying taxes and not having to deal with twerking along with Stiles' name. Multiple times.
Those two needed to get their shit together quick. The tiptoeing around each other wasn't cute anymore.
Scott stopped recording, making sure he saved the video and slipped his phone back into his pocket. He wasn't sure what had been harder, prying the empty bottle away from Derek or trying to lift Derek's dead weight off the couch. Supernatural strength be damned, Derek was heavy. On the last try Scott's foot slipped and he fell head first into his beta's chest. Derek being the secret cuddler that he was wrapped his arms around Scott.
“You've got to be kidding me,” Scott mumbled into Derek's shoulder while getting nuzzled.
Dealing with Broody McSecretCuddles had never been easy. The more Scott wiggled to freedom the tighter Derek held on.
“Stiles...you smell like cinnabuns and apples,” Derek sighed pathetically.
Scott rolled his eyes as he hit the floor when Derek turned to his side.
Screw it. Derek could just sleep on his couch. Scott left a bottle of water and aspirin on the side table and made his way to the spare bedroom.
Now all he had to do is wait until Derek woke up so he could blackmail him into taking Stiles out on a date.
"It's good to be Alpha." Scott thought to himself as he passed out with a smile on his face.