Work Text:
Clint came awake with a groan. He opened his eyes then quickly shut them again; to bright. His head pounded like a million bombs were going off in it and his body felt like he’d been run over by a platoon of tanks. What the hell had happen to him last night? He tried to remember but that just caused more bombs so he stopped and just lay there with his eyes closed, willing himself back to unconsciousness. He heard movement somewhere close by and hoped it was some kind person coming to put him out of his misery.
“Morning, Sunshine.” A voice called loudly, much too loudly; it caused another round of explosions in his head.
“Gah.” He croaked, his mouth was dry as a desert and tasted like a dumpster in a heatwave.
“I brought you some water and aspirin.” The cruel, loud voice said. “After last night, you’re gonn’a need them.”
Footsteps approached him and a shadow fell over his face. He braved cracking one eye open to see Bucky standing over him with a grin on his face.
“Sleep well?” he asked, very loudly and very cheerfully. “You look like hell.”
He held out a bottle of water. It took several attempts before Clint could sit up and take it. He gulped down half of it, then washed the aspirin down with the other half. After a few minutes, he braved a look around. He was on the patio, bare ass naked, a towel barely keeping his modesty covered, beer and wine bottles scattered all around him.
“What happened?” he asked, his voice rough.
“You don’t remember?” Bucky asked.
Clint tried to push past the pain in his head.
“I sort of remember playing cards then somebody said let’s up the ante to include shots for the loser, then nothing.” He said. “How did I end up so drunk?”
“Well, you’re competitive as hell, Steve cheats at cards, and Thor is a card shark.” Bucky told him. “And Steve and Thor can’t get drunk on Midgardian alcohol.”
“I tried to out drink Steve and Thor.” Clint wailed, clutching at his sore head. “No wonder I feel like shit.”
“It gets better.” Bucky said with a chuckle.
“Do I want to know?” Clint whined.
“Probably not, but I’m gonn’a tell you anyway.” Bucky said. “Consider it pay back for what you put me through.”
“That bad?”
Bucky nodded as he drug a deck chair over and sat in it.
Clint moaned as he curled up in a ball, resting his head on his knees.
“After I stopped you from killing yourself by alcohol poisoning, you jumped up on the table, declaring you were too sexy for your shirt and took it off. Tony laughed, the rest of us were confused so he played the song for us. You did a strip tease to it.”
“I did not.” Clint protested.
“Did too. I was impressed with your cordnation, considering how drunk you were.” Bucky confirmed. “Tony kept hollering take it off and waving money at you.”
He tossed something at Clint, hitting him in the head before it landed beside him.
“You made $4000 in tips.”
Clint stared at the roll of cash and groaned.
“$1000 of it is from Thor. He really enjoyed the lap dance and was very generous in his appreciation. Steve didn’t have any cash on him so you refused to dance for him. Tony offered him a private dance in their room which I’m glad of because I really didn’t want to deal with a naked Tony Stark on top of everything else.”
“Just kill me now.” Clint begged.
“After your little dance routine, you grabbed a baguette off the counter, shouted “I am Spartacus!” and had a sword fight, by yourself. I think you won; it was hard to tell. You’re not bad, but your form needs work.”
Clint looked up at him. He was grinning, clearly enjoying telling every little, mortifying detail of Clint’s exploits.
“After the fight, you decided to go for a jog down the beach, at 2:00 a.m., in the nude.” Bucky continued.
Clint didn’t think that sounded so bad.
“I followed after you, to make sure you didn’t kill your stupid self. I didn’t feel like running so I just kept you in sight, figured I’d let you wear yourself out, then haul you back here and put you to bed. Didn’t think you’d get far.”
“But?” Clint wondered, not wanting to know, but kind of wanting to at the same time; like seeing a train wreak about to happen and not being able to look away.
“I lost sight of you around the bend.”
“The one at the south end of the beach?” Clint squeaked. “That’s like five miles away.”
“I know.” Bucky stated, glaring at him for a moment before continuing. “By the time I caught up to you, you had climbed up on the dividing wall that block’s Tony’s property from the one next door and were reciting poetry.”
“I was not.” Clint denied.
“How do I love thee,” Bucky told him. “got pretty creative with the verses. Something about more than pizza but less than coffee.”
“At least nobody else heard me.” Clint grumbled.
“The lady next door enjoyed the show, especially when you started singing and dancing. She wants to know if you do private parties.”
Clint wondered if Tony had any isolated cabins anywhere and if he could bribe him into letting Clint go there to hide for the rest of his life without telling anybody where he was.
“What happened next?” he wearily asked. “Did I go streaking through town? Wrestle midgets? Just tell me.”
“After you took your bows, I got you to come down and carried your ass back here.”
“How did I end up on the patio?” Clint asked.
“I dumped you in a lounger and went to get you some water. When I came back, you had crawled over here and were clutching that towel, muttering, “Always carry a towel.” I gave up at that point and just left you there to sleep it off.”
“Will you kill me now?” Clint begged. “Pretty please. If you love me, you’ll kill me and put me out of my misery.”
“No, I won’t kill you.” Bucky told him as he stood up and reached for his arm to haul him to his feet. “But because I love you, I’ll make you coffee and breakfast and defend you when Tony starts teasing you. And I’ll make sure all the pictures and video are deleted, after I get copies. That strip tease was hot.”
“Well then, I guess I’ll live, as long as coffee is involved.” Clint said, following him into the house.