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It really was just a casual thought. Something harmless. Something he usually wouldn't linger on if it were under any normal circumstance.
But he took a glance at Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu when they were out eating oden, and thought, "Man, Jyushimatsu nii-san really loves Ichimatsu nii-san, huh?"
An innocent, casual thought that should've ended there.
But of course. Of course Todomatsu was going to make it complicated.
♡
They were watching TV, Jyushimatsu's hand in Todomatsu's hair, and suddenly all he could think of was the fact that he wasn't Jyushimatsu's favorite. The thought was almost intrusive, just a reminder that popped up in his mind about an observation he had made a few days previous. He definitely wasn't Jyushimatsu's favorite brother.
That shouldn't be an issue, obviously.
It wasn't a big deal; they had different dynamics in their family, Jyushimatsu's high energy eccentricity melded perfectly with Ichimatsu's low energy eccentricity. They were good to each other.
They were all close in some way, anyway. Jyushimatsu was a lot to handle, but most of them had come to love his particular brand of weird. Karamatsu, for instance; Jyushimatsu was the only one who would properly act like a younger brother with him, so Karamatsu was always willing to treat him as such. Choromatsu had less patience for Jyushimatsu's antics, but he tolerated Jyushimatsu in a different, forgiving way. A special way. Osomatsu was high energy, too, but there were moments where he and Jyushimatsu would spend time together, and their liveliness complimented each other, until it became too much. Todomatsu himself knew Jyushimatsu was special. His immediate older twin, who was 100% true to himself, unchained by society's expectations. His twin who was supposed to be super embarrassing, but Todomatsu couldn't help but admire his authenticity. Felt endeared by it. Felt as if there was no judgement whatsoever when he was with Jyushimatsu.
Jyushimatsu got along with everyone. His favorite brother most likely was Ichimatsu. Karamatsu might be second, by a huge margin.
Todomatsu...didn't know where he stood. He probably did rank high in Jyushimatsu's hierarchy of favorite brothers. That should be good enough.
But the thing was—Jyushimatsu was absolutely Todomatsu's favorite. Without question.
"Jyushimatsu nii-san," he murmured, not even able to stop himself, "Can you...do me a favor?"
"What is it, Totty?"
He pushed himself up, missing the feel of fingers in his hair, but wanting to see Jyushimatsu's face.
His immediate elder brother, smiling at him. Always so sweet to him. Always partial to him.
But essentially—not...
"You're not going to like it."
Jyushimatsu's brow furrowed just a bit, and he tilted his head in curiosity, "Ehh? Hm. Tell me what it is, first."
Always so willing to cater to him, no matter what. Todomatsu briefly considered the idea of not going through with this impulse of his; he usually didn't. He wasn't a particularly impulsive person. At the same time, he wanted this off his chest.
"Can you tell me that I'm your favorite?"
Admirably, Jyushimatsu's face didn't change. His expression remained the same. Todomatsu now found it a little hard to breathe, anyway, but the words came out pouring, "Even if it isn't true, Jyushimatsu nii-san, can you—"
Hands on his shoulders, suddenly. The grip wasn't harsh, but it was firm enough that Todomatsu stopped speaking, and stared at Jyushimatsu.
He couldn't read Jyushimatsu's expression.
He couldn't read it, but somehow, it felt like...
'Why are you doing this to yourself, Totty?'
Jyushimatsu didn't need to say it, Todomatsu knew what he was thinking. Or maybe it was something harsher.
But even during Todomatsu's ugliest moments, Jyushimatsu was always the one who would treat him the kindest. Was that simple goodwill? Because Todomatsu was his only youngest brother?
That should be enough. Right?
"I just want to hear it. Really. Just once. Then I'll never ask again."
No change in expression. None at all.
He really shouldn't do this to Jyushimatsu, it wasn't fair. But Todomatsu had always been selfish.
Then, suddenly—
A smile on Jyushimatsu's face. Something so soft that Todomatsu immediately didn't know what to do with himself, suddenly thinking that he should tell Jyushimatsu to stop or—
One of the hands on his shoulders slide up, Jyushimatsu cupping the side of his face. A thumb over his cheek, and Todomatsu had never seen this soft of a smile on Jyushimatsu's face before.
"Totty's such a good boy. Totty's such a good, hardworking boy. Totty's my favorite."
There it was. It sounded genuine. Todomatsu made a weak noise, and he had to reach out to hold Jyushimatsu right back, his voice a whisper.
"Yeah? You mean it? Tell me you mean it."
"I mean it," Jyushimatsu's smile remained, and Todomatsu had to turn his face, to press appreciative lips to Jyushimatsu's hand, "You're my most favorite. I like Todomatsu best of all."
It didn't matter. It didn't matter if this was pretend. Todomatsu was sold, anyway. He exhaled shakily, and Jyushimatsu leaned in to kiss his nose, his cheek, his lips. The kiss on his lips was brief, but Jyushimatsu kissed him again then, properly. A firm press of lips to his own that made Todomatsu feel like his chest was swelling beyond its capacity, like he would feel too much and burst into nothing.
Todomatsu knew he was needy. Jyushimatsu had always been so kind to indulge him in his neediness, and he was doing so now. But at the same time—
No one could help their own feelings, even if they were as wonderful and strange as his Jyushimatsu nii-san.
Hearing Jyushimatsu tell him what he wanted to hear was both gratifying and inadequate. Maybe he could make Jyushimatsu tell him this, always. Maybe he could give into this horrible, horrible feeling of wanting to be utterly selfish, and make Jyushimatsu love him the most.
Ugly thoughts.
He clung onto his brother, suddenly feeling raw and open.
This was so unnecessary. He knew it wasn't true. He knew Jyushimatsu was humoring him, and that his brother was thoughtful and sweet for doing that.
And yet...
Jyushimatsu broke the kiss, and his voice was gentle.
"I love you, you know. I love you a lot."
Todomatsu nodded, hiding his face in the crook of Jyushimatsu's shoulder. He couldn't look at Jyushimatsu's face. He might just shatter into pieces.
This was enough, for now.
(Even if it wasn't.)