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He used to live in the present. Playing with his childhood friends, making mischief until Alice would scold them. Having a picnic in front of a tree he would have to chop his entire life. It would never fall in his lifetime. Not in the next or the one after either. It was supposed to be a meaningless thing to do. But it was his calling and he didn't think about it. All that mattered was here and now. A little piece of heaven.
But when one day part of that heaven was being taken away, things changed.
It was only a short moment. But when he watched the blonde girl tied up to a dragon and about to lift up into the air, time stood still.
No, he did.
He wanted to move, wanted to release his friend from her shackles, but something kept him in place. A powerful force he couldn't even begin to describe. The adults around him could only stand there, motionless. Kirito was the only one taking action. He was the only one strong enough to withstand that invisible force. But in the end, he was just a child and the adults made sure he couldn't go another step towards saving Alice.
Move, move! We have to save her! They can't take her away!
All that remained for Eugeo were his thoughts. Those and the terrible pain in his right eye that stopped him.
From that day forward, he regretted living in the present. All he had left was the past. His childhood friend gone, a vague memory of another boy and his families scorn. All of that hadn't happend if he would have been able to overcome the invisible force holding him back. He wished everyday he could go back in time.
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The black haired boy sighed loudly after finally putting down the pen. They had been studying night and day. All for this one exam they needed to pass at all cost. Well, it was mostly Kirito studying while Eugeo took the role as his tutor. As always.
„See? Now, where was this so difficult?“
„Everywhere~“ he groaned again and slammed his head on his desk full of paper. If he didn't get a headache from learning, he would definitely get one now.
The blonde sighed with a smile and proceeded to pet his friends hair.
„Good boy. Well done.“ It felt more like praising a pet than cheering up his friend, but it seemed to work. Kirito looked up, straightened his hair and stretched out his arms and legs. Eugeo thought he would get up now, maybe to eat something, but instead he folded his arms under his head and proceeded to fall asleep on the spot. The blonde didn't even have time to say anything against it and just shook his head.
Kirito deserved his sleep. They were working hard to get where they wanted to. Aiming to become intergrity knights wasn't easy, both of them knew that. And to find Alice even more so. But Eugeo was glad he had someone by his side. Someone he could walk together with on this path.
Carefully he placed a blanket over the sleeping boy. It looked quite funny. Open-mouthed, snoring and slightly drooling. But gentle in its own way. It was a sight Eugeo couldn't look away from. He studied him as thoroughly as Kirito had just studied for the exam.
Silky black hair was falling into his face. A color he hadn't seen anywhere in Rulid. It seemed plain for some, but with the right lighting it had several kinds of blue or violet mixed in it. Almost like the polished black sword the boy always carried around.
Eyelashes twitching where the hair had fallen over them. Upon closer inspection, they were longer than he thought. Almost like you could count them by touching them one by one. Though with their thinkness, it would take a while.
His face looked boyish when relaxed like that. Almost like the day Eugeo first met him in the forest outside his village. A youthfulness in its features that accompanied his mischivious nature all too well. Yet when he was concentrated, thoughtful or serious, he could see that the boy from back then was slowly becoming an adult. His jaw was just a notion sharper, his nose less pointy and his eyes a little more focused.
And oh, his eyes. They were as black as night, but shined brighter than the stars. Especially when he was training or when something caught his attention. They had a sort of depth Eugeo wanted to explore more than anything. Because despite their years together, it felt like he still had so much to learn about him.
Unconciously, Eugeo's hand reached up. Was it because he wanted to pinch him awake? Was it to feel how soft his skin must be? He didn't know, his body moved on its own. With trembling fingers he pushed some hair aside, traced down from his eyes to his cheek until he reached his soft lips. The sight and the feel of his friend kept him mesmerized. He wanted to feel more. To be closer. Slowly he retracted his hand and moved his face towards him instead. Slowly, until-
Kirito mumbled something incomprehensive. He mostly likely dreamed about food, or his grin wouldn't look so goofy right now. Or he was thinking about how to get in trouble again.
His sudden movement startled Eugeo and he was forced out of his daze. His hand was still just a few cens away from his friend, but he pulled them back as if he had burned himself on something invisible.
An invisible force, like the day when his childhood friend got taken before his very eyes. Eugeo was daydreaming. What he wanted to do - what he did do in his mind – was nothing more than a small vision of what could have been. If not for the pain in his eye that reminded him of the worlds universal law. He didn't know what law he was about to break. But the desire to was still in his mind. It scared him. Something like a primal urge took over his body and he allowed it. At least in his mind. As if he just woke a beast.
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Visions, dreams, wishes. Ever since that day, he had them frequently. At times they were harmless. Moments in which they were just walking next to each other. When their hands were only a small movement away from touching. Moments in which Kiritos habit of getting food stuck on his cheek made Eugeos mind wander towards that spot. Wiping the little crumps away – with his hands or mouth. Even quiet moments. In the evenings when the two boys were reading something in their room. Something would have caught his attention and his body would move like he was being controlled by someone else. Eugeo knew what it was. He always knew, but he didn't want to admit it. The beast called desire.
Desire to touch him, to feel Kirito, to have Kirito call out his name in a way he had never heard before. But that beast was on a leash, a very strong one. The taboo index. Homosexuality wasn't allowed. Oh, how Eugeo wished he could rewrite it. Even for just one moment.
His nights weren't safe from it either. They were even worse. But they were also the only place in which the taboo index didn't exist. They were like a paradise to his beast. There, he was able to live out anything he wished for.
Brushing hands became hands gripping each other tightly. Faint touches became hungry exploring. Little kisses became hot and wild. And often times placed somewhere else than on the lips.
In dreams like these, he could see Kirito so very clearly. His silky black hair messed up and sticking to his face. Sweat running down his jaw, together with tears formed by a mixture of pain and pleasure. His eyes half-lided and looking up at him just as hungry as Eugeo was. A night sky deeper and hotter than it has never been. And his name being called in breathy mouns and sweeter than he could ever imagine. So inviting for the beast to devour Kirito completely. So inviting to continue the dream.
But they were just that. Dreams. Ways for Eugeo to escape his prison. Yet they felt real enough for Eugeo to wake up with his beast still ready to continue. Waking up was always the worst part. In more ways than one.
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„...geo?“
The blonde was lying in the grass. His friend had invited him to a lazy afternoon nap. Usually he wouldn't have agreed so easily, but his dreams had taken a lot of his sleep and he welcomed every opportunity to get back that sleep.
„Eugeo?“
He heard a familiar voice, but he was still too groggy to react to it. He was comfortable here on the ground, warm sun on his face and the soothing rustling of leaves above him. But a hand on his shoulder finally woke him up.
„...What is it?“ he was barely able to form a sentence. Eyes burning from the sudden brightness.
„Are you okay?“
„Yeah, why shouldn't I?“
Kirito was above him, faces almost touching. As if the black haired boy was searching for an answer in his eyes. Their closeness brought a slight blush into Eugeos face and he would have loved to just pull him down. To kiss him and never let go. But of course, it was just another daydream. Instead he shoved him away a little too roughly. The other boy frowned.
„Exactly that.“
„What do you mean?“
„You've been weird recently. Like you're constantly irritated.“
„I just don't get enough sleep, that's all.“ It wasn't a lie, but Eugeo would never be able to bring himself to tell him the full truth.
He sat up a little too quickly and his frequent headaches started to act up again. They originated from that damn eye of his. He buried his face in his hands, trying to wipe the pain away.
Kirito must have noticed it, because he came closer to him.
„Is there something bothering you? You can talk to me, you know?“
Oh how he wished to tell him everything. Maybe Kirito would understand. Maybe he even felt the same. In that case all that seperated them would be the taboo index. Not a better alternative to keeping Kirito in the dark, that's for sure.
„It's okay, really.“ he said with a smile. He thought he might drop the subject now, but they've been together for too long to fool him. Still, Kirito got the message and got up instead. He stretched his body until his back cracked and he let his arms fall to his sides with a satiesfied sigh.
„So, are you hungry? It's a little late for dinner so how about an afternoon snack? It's on me.“
„Okay.“ the blonde said with a smile. At least now it was genuine.
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His dreams, he thought, would always stay dreams. His beast would forever be chained down. His desire never satiesfied. At some point, he settled with this thought. He accepted it. But now that he was lying here, blind and covered in his own blood, that beast cried out one last time. It wanted to tell Kirito everything that he has been feeling. Every little thing. Again, it stayed chained. There was no pain however. Just the inability to move. He felt himself being lifted up and wrapped around him were arms warmer than his dreams could have been.
If only he could turn back time. Back to a time when they were still children. All three of them playing happily under the Gigas cedar tree. The taboo index might still have him in its grasp, but he wouldn't have cared. Just a few more moments with Kirito would have been enough. That beast would then have been able to settle with just being his friend. Maybe he would have married Alice instead. She wasn't what his beast had desired, but they would still have been together. And nothing would have happend the way it did.
When they were children, they once wished upon shooting stars. Kirito and Alice had made their wish, even if they kept them a secret. But Eugeo had looked up at the night sky and his mind was blank. It was because he already had what he wished for.
But now that his world was dark, he once again wanted to wish upon a shooting star. He wanted to look into the night sky and wanted to return to a better time. To make everything undone. The fight against Quinella, his days in the academy, meeting Kirito in the forest, going into the cave to collect ice. If none of this happend, they could have been forever happy.
But a wish like this was impossible.
As his eyeslids slowly sank, he remembered Kiritos eyes. They were his night-sky. And the tears streaming down his face shooting stars.
Please, let Kirito be happy.
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He was woken up by a hand in his face. It startled him, but his eyes were still too heavy to open them. He felt grass under him, the warm sun above him and soothing rustling of leaves. Slowly he opened his eyes and shoved the hand away. Next to him he heard a black haired boy snoring and on the other side was a girl with blonde hair. There was an empty basket and an axe lying down next to the massive tree. As he took in the sight tears started streaming down his face. But he was happy.
They were happy.