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Sometimes Lexi can’t breathe.
It’s a feeling she doesn’t get a lot, usually she’s just so focused on the now that the feeling gets lost in the back of her mind like it’s not even there.
But when she finally gets a moment to herself, an actual moment to herself, she thinks about Rue.
Ok to be fair, she’s always thinking about Rue, she thinks about her glowing complexion, her beautiful hair, her sparkling eyes that seem to glimmer and shine with mischief, and her favorite part of Rue is her pretty smile and laugh. So she’s always thinking about Rue.
But this is different, when she thinks about Rue with just the privacy of her own mind and no interference from the outside world- where she just gets a moment to finally just breathe and think; she thinks about Rue’s cries, about her limp body, thinks about how her eyes turned dull and her face just a bit sunken from the drugs.
She thinks about how Rue doesn’t laugh or smile as much anymore, how Rue doesn’t look at her anymore the way she used to.
And suddenly, Lexi can’t breathe.
Because that Rue isn’t her Rue, that’s not Lexi’s Rue.
(And she hates that in the end Rue wasn’t ever hers in the first place)
There was a certain point where Lexi naively believed it would get better, that this feeling of suffocation would get better, but then Jules is introduced to Rue and now she has another reason why she can’t breathe.
She isn’t stupid, she knew- anyone with eyes knew- but she never allowed herself to actually genuinely acknowledge it. It’s kind of like when parents clearly see that there’s something wrong with their children, that there’s signs everywhere, but when their confronted with it they act shocked and gasp a ignorant “Really?”
Except Lexi isn’t Rue’s parent- and there’s nothing actually wrong with Rue, so maybe that example had sucked.
Because Rue isn’t doing drugs anymore, she doesn’t look so dead on her feet anymore; she’s smiling and laughing, her eyes alight and her skin glowing the way it’s supposed to instead of looking pale- she looks healthy.
And that has nothing to do with Lexi. Lexi hadn’t caused that.
And the thought never fails to lodge something in her throat and make her chest heave with something painful and heartbreaking- because she can’t breathe.
But that’s only when she’s in her own mind, in her space where she finally thinks about everything and not living in the now , and that’s still very rare.
When she’s living in the now, she smiles when Rue smiles, laughs when Rue laughs, feels nothing but relief and happiness for the person that she loves because Rue is happy.
So when Rue reaches out and grasps her hand gently, calls out a little ‘Lex’ with affection and fondness- Lexi doesn’t think about how that’s not caused by her. Instead she grasps her friends hand back and asks how her day is, asks how everything is. Rue always replies, always a bit reluctant and hesitant, always a bit quiet, but she answers because that’s what her therapist asked her to do.
And when she finishes telling Lexi Jules is usually around then and Rue separates from her, disentangling their fingers, and gravitates toward Jules, like they were both the sun and the moon.
Lexi doesn’t let those bitter and sad feelings take over her then, no- she won’t let that feeling of suffocation drape over her then- she just watches her friend go with a gentle smile, happy that she’s happy.
Because that’s all she can ask for, for the person that she loves.
(
And Lexi will stay drowning on her own, because that’s ok too- as long as Rue isn’t drowning beside her
)