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One day, Wade and Spiderman stumble into Matt’s apartment leaning on each other to stay standing. Now, this alone is not too terribly unusual. But on this night Matt happens to be preoccupied with Foggy and Karen, who have come over for an intervention. They seem to have decided that he is being abused which is where all of his Daredevil injuries come from. He's beginning to regret not telling them about his night job. Especially when Deadpool announces himself by yelling, “Honey, I’m home!” and Karen screams and pulls out her phone to call the police.
So now, Foggy is hyperventilating, Karen is dialling 911, Spiderman is trying to calm everyone down and not collapse at the same time, and Wade is standing there watching. So, of course, Matt has to intervene.
“Karen, do not call the police. They’re not breaking in, they have a fairly constant invitation. Foggy, please sit down and focus on breathing,” He turns to Wade and Spiderman, “Spiderman, sit. W-Deadpool you know where the first aid kit is.”
It takes about ten minutes for Foggy to calm down and Matt ends up having to take Karen’s phone out of her hand to stop her from calling 911.
“I need everyone to stay calm and rational please.”
Matt can sense Karen trying to discreetly place herself between himself and Wade which makes Matt sigh as he feels a headache forming. This will not be a fun conversation.
“Matt, buddy, why are there vigilantes in your living room?”
“They stop by when they need first aid.”
Karen’s voice is low, shaky, “Are they the reason you have so many injuries? Are they...are they threatening you?”
“Oh god, did we interrupt something important? Should we leave? ‘Pool we should probably go-”
Matt cuts him off firmly, “You can barely stand. Do not even try to leave.”
“But-”
“He’s right Spidey. You can’t make it anywhere else until you heal up a bit.”
Thank goodness for Wade’s occasional bouts of being rational.
“So what's going on snookums?”
Nevermind.
“Snooku…” Foggy trails off and then, “Matthew Michael Murdock. What the hell are you thinking? A vigilante? Really? You couldn’t be sensible for once in your life and find a nice doctor or something?”
Matt winces, “Foggy-”
“No. What in the hell?”
A whisper from Spiderman, “Alliterative name buddies.”
Karen jumps up from her seat at the table and gasps, “Matt is he beating you?”
“ What?! ”
“Of course not Karen!”
“Someone is beating you? ...oh wait.” Ah Wade. Always up to date.
“Well, that's what you would say if he was!”
“He isn’t Karen!”
“I don't believe you. If he isn't then where do the bruises come from? Matt, we’re worried about you.”
“Oh, my-I’m Daredevil! Okay? I’m Daredevil. That's what the bruises are from.”
“'Pool, we should have left…”
“Yeah, probably.”
Matt sighs and throws his hands in the air mumbling to himself in a mixture of English and the little bit of Irish he had learned from his grandparents. His frustration was building and he could tell that everyone else wasn’t feeling any better.
“Matthew. Michael. Murdock. How dare you?”
“Foggy-”
“No! You act like we’re insane because we’re worried about you when you go out at night in that stupid BDSM suit?”
“It's not a BDSM suit!”
“I wish it was…”
“My young ears!”
Foggy’s anger is so intense that Matt can feel it and now Wade is aroused and Karen is about to start sobbing and Spiderman is trying to slowly inch his way towards the window and Matt just can’t. He literally cannot at this point.
“I’m going to bed. I don't care if you leave, I don't care if you stay, but I am going to bed. Anyone who wants to have a conversation about any of this can come by tomorrow or stay the night, whatever. I'm just...I'm going to bed. Goodnight.”
Matt walks into the bedroom and tries to ignore the awkward conversations he leaves behind in favour of getting maybe two hours of sleep before he has to start the day.
*******
The next morning Matt walks into his kitchen to Wade teaching Karen to make breakfast tacos and Spiderman trying to convince Foggy that he is old enough to ‘fight crime.’ He nearly walks right back to bed but Wade notices him too quick for that.
“Sugarplum! You’re up! We’re making breakfast.”
“I noticed. Is everyone feeling...calmer today? Because my headache can’t handle nearly as much yelling.”
“I am still abundantly pissed off with your lying. But I am glad you aren’t being abused so I won’t yell at you. Right now at least. Sit down and eat Matthew."
"Please stop calling me Matthew Foggy, it reminds me of being in trouble with my grandmother."
"Sugar britches, be nice to your friends. They're helping with breakfast."
Matt sighs and sits at the table to prepare himself for a stressful day full of all of his favourite, most stressful people.