Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Love experts, Dr. Pepper and Pastor Cal, are sitting on the couch waiting for all the lonely people to come in and interview to be married at first sight. After the interviews, the experts will arrange four couples to get married without knowing each other. The pairs will literally meet for the first time at the altar. Then after eight weeks, the couples will have to decide whether they want to stay married or get a divorce. It seems crazy, but the show has been on for nine seasons and makes for great reality TV. Plus some of the lasting couples even had children and their own spin off shows which brings in even more money for the network. So why not continue to profit with a brand new season?

"I am very excited for this season! I hope we can help these total strangers find true love." Dr. Pepper exclaims.

"Yes." Pastor Cal agrees. "Let's bring in the first contender."

A man with long black hair, tan skin, sharp cheekbones, and dreamy dark eyes walks into the room. In one hand he is holding a cigarette and in the other he is clutching a glass of champagne.

"Is he allowed to smoke in here?" One of the crew members quips.

The interviewee ignores him and blows smoke in his face as he goes to sit down with Dr. Pepper and Pastor Cal. "Hello. I'm Freddie Mercury, and I'm here to find love. I was told you two were experts."

"We are." Dr. Pepper replies.

"I am a pastor. They call me Pastor Cal."

"No kidding." Freddie says, taking a sip from his champaign glass.

"My name is Dr. Pepper, and I'm a sociologist."

"Really, darling? With that kind of name I thought you were a soft drink. I think I'm going to call you Pepsi from now on." Freddie decides.

"So Freddie why do you want to get married at first sight?" Pastor Cal asks.

Freddie leans back in his chair. He bites down on his lower lip with protruding front teeth. "Well, everyone says I have horrible taste in men, and lately I'm starting to agree with them. I can't seem to find somebody to love who doesn't just want me for the sex or the money. Don't get me wrong, I love the sex and enjoy nothing more than making love all night long, but I think I'm ready to settle down. My best friend and ex girlfriend, Mary, is pregnant and in a happy healthy relationship, and it really got me thinking about my own love life. The bottom line is I don't want to spend the rest of my life all alone with only my cats for companionship."

"Good answer. Now can you just look into the camera and say 'I want to get married at first sight because...' so we can replay that audio looped with your answer at least 39 times per episode." Dr. Pepper instructs.

On the TV screen a montage of past seasons' cast members saying, "I want to get married at first sight because....(I want to find love, I want a lifelong partner, ect)."

Freddie rolls his eyes. He sassily looks into the camera, blowing smoke into the lens. "I want to get married at first sight because. There! Are you happy now? It's not enough for me to spill my heart out. You want me to say the catch phrase as well."

"Very good!" Pastor Cal says. "So tell us about yourself, Freddie."

"What would you like to know, darlings?" He lights up another cigarette. "I'm 30 years old, and I'm a successful fashion designer. I'm surprised you haven't heard of my clothing empire. The Mr. Fahrenheit collection is quite popular. My line of clothing is sold in nearly every designer store across the globe and is being expanded into department stores as well."

"What would be your idea of a perfect date?" Dr. Pepper asks.

"That is a very cliche question, my dear. I expected more originality out of you, Pepsi." Freddie fidgets with his champagne glass. "I suppose my ideal date would begin with dinner at the Ritz where we'll dine romantically eating caviar and drinking fine wine. Then we'll spend a night at the opera or the ballet, whichever is in town. After that we'll go home and make love until the sun comes up. Now that would be the perfect date."

"What would be the biggest deal breaker for you in a relationship?" Pastor Cal inquires.

"Well my future husband has to be a cat lover. I have six cats—Delilah, Lily, Oscar, Tom, Jerry, and Goliath." Freddie's eyes light up with an innocent sweetness as he discusses his cats. "I love them all more than words can express. Don't tell the others, but Delilah is my absolute favorite. I adore her. She could get away with murder."

"You've given us a lot to work with. I think we can find you a potential match." Pastor Cal says.

"We'll keep in touch, Freddie." Dr. Pepper tells him.

"Take care, Pepsi, darling." Freddie leans down to give the smaller woman a hug. Then he goes to Pastor Cal and hugs him as well. "I hope to hear from you soon, dear. Thank you."

"Now Let's here from our next hopeful." Pastor Cal announces.

A tall man with a head full of beautiful, lustrous thick curls enters the room next. He shakes hands with the experts. "My name is Brian May. I'm here to interview for the social experiment."

"Welcome, Brian. I'm Pastor Cal and that is Dr. Pepper. We're here to help you on your journey to find love by getting married at first sight."

Brian takes a seat next to Pastor Cal. "It's good to be here albeit a bit surreal."

"So, Brian, why don't you tell us why you want to get married at first sight?" Dr. Pepper prompts.

"I want to get married at first sight because I have a tendency to overthink things when it comes to finding someone compatible. I'm all for science, so when I heard about this experiment, I decided to go forward with it. I really don't have much to lose after my recent breakup. Arranged marriages are quite common across history and different cultures, so even if it's unconventional here and now, I can't rule out the possibility that it will lead to love."

"What do you do for a living?" Pastor Cal inquires.

"I'm an astrophysicist. I work with NASA on various projects." Brian explains. "I'm also an animal rights advocate and do humanitarian work to help endangered species. I have a soft spot for badgers in particular."

"What do you like to do for fun?" Dr. Pepper asks.

"I play guitar. My dad and I built our very own guitar when I was a teenager. We call it the Red Special." Brian says proudly. "I was in a band called Smile in college, but we didn't get very far, and I had to quit to peruse my PhD. It was just too much work to do both, but I still play whenever I get the chance."

"Well you've certainly accomplished a lot and at such a young age too. You're only 28. That's amazing." Pastor Cal praises. "And now you're going to open up a new chapter in your life and get married. Do you think you're ready, Brian?"

"Yes. I think I am." Brian replies.

"Wonderful!" Dr. Pepper says. "I think this background check accomplished a lot and we can find you a potential match."

"Well as a scientist, I have to say that I don't think you've collected enough data to accurately—"

The camera fades to black and a commercial rolls onto the screen.

Dr. Pepper and Pastor Cal are back, but they are alone again.

"Brian is correct. Our method of pairing our couples is a very complex science that involves a lot of analysis." Dr. Pepper tells the viewers.

"We still have two more potential spouses to interview today. Let's bring in the next one." Pastor Cal says.

A handsome man with long blonde hair and baby blue walks into the room. "Hi, I'm Roger Taylor. I want a hot wife."

"We'll see what we can do." Dr. Pepper says. "By the way my name is Dr. Pepper, and this is Pastor Cal."

"Roger, why do you want to get married at first sight?" Pastor Cal questions.

"I want to get married at first sight because my best friend Brian is doing it, and it seems like a good idea. I'm sick of picking up women at clubs and having one night stands. I'm ready for a real relationship. Hopefully I'll find my true love and she'll be hot."

"I like your honesty." Dr. Pepper remarks. "What do you love most in life, Roger?"

"My car!" He answers without hesitation.

"What are your ambitions in life?" Pastor Cal wonders. "I know that's a lot for a 26 year old to consider, but marriage is a serious commitment, so I want you to think long and hard about what you want."

"Well, I've always wanted to be the drummer in a rock band." Roger sighs. "In college, I was part of a band called Smile, and it was great until our lead singer quit and Brian went to pursue his PhD. I stopped drumming and continued in my education as well. I recently graduated from dental school and now I got my very first post graduate job as a dentist. It's dull, but I can't complain. I think getting married would make things more exciting."

"Besides looks, what other desirable traits do you want your partner to have?" Dr. Pepper wonders.

"Um," Roger ponders, "well she'll have to be very patient to put up with me. And it would be nice if she had a sense of humor. Of course I would love for us to bond over music as well because rock and roll is a big part of my life."

"I think we may be able to find you a match." Pastor Cal declares.

"Really? Thank you so much!" Roger squeals.

"We'll talk again soon" Dr. Pepper says.

"Yes please! I can't wait to meet my hot wife!" Roger exclaims.

"And now we have our very last contender of the day." Pastor Cal says. "Let's bring him in."

A cute young man with reddish brown hair timidly enters the room. "Hello, my name is John Richard Deacon, and I was born on August the 19th." He states.

"Welcome, John. Please have a seat. I'm Pastor Cal and this is Dr. Pepper. We want to help you find the love of your life and get married at first sight."

"John, why do you want to get married at first sight?" Dr. Pepper asks.

"I want to get married at first sight because I want to find my best friend who I can share a life and raise a family with."

"Aaah." The experts coo. "We are going to use that answer in all of the promos. It is so sweet." Dr. Pepper decides.

"Tell us a little bit about yourself." Pastor Cal prompts.

"I'm 25 years old, and I'm an electrical engineer. I work on sound equipment in stage productions like amplifiers. My favorite food is cheese on toast, and my favorite drink is tea." John says.

"Do you have any hobbies?" Dr. Pepper wonders.

"I like to dance especially to disco music." John says shyly.

"What's the biggest challenge you've faced in past relationships?" Pastor Cal asks.

"Um, well I would describe myself as an introvert, so I suppose opening up and sharing things with my significant other can be difficult."

Dr. Pepper nods. "I think we can certainly find you a match, John, and you'll be very successful together."

"Thank you very much!" John says.

"We will keep in touch." Pastor Cal tells him.

The screen fades to black and after a quick commercial break, the experts return. They are focusing on several sheets of paper with looks of deep concentration.

"After the extensive interview process and thorough background checks, we have put our relationship expertise to the test and have paired four couples to be married at first sight." Pastor Cal explains.

"Our first couple is Freddie Mercury and Jim Hutton. This is the first time we'll be featuring a same sex couple on the show. Hopefully it will bring in more ratings." Dr. Pepper says.

"Our second couple is Brian May and Anita Dobson." Pastor Cal states.

"Our third couple is Roger Taylor and Dominique Beyrand." Dr. Pepper announces.

"And our final couple is John Deacon and Veronica Tetzlaff." Pastor Cal concludes.

"Join is next week when the strangers prepare for their weddings." Dr. Pepper waves to the camera as the credits roll.

Chapter Text

Now that we've met our couples it's time to tell them that they're engaged. Dr. Pepper and Pastor Cal are very excited to break the big news. Later, they'll  have a team of cameramen follow the contestants as they have intimate private with their friends and families and tell them that they're getting married to strangers. 

First up, Pastor Cal goes to visit Roger Taylor. Unfortunately, Roger does not appear to be at home as no one is answering the door. "Hmmm...Where could he be?" Pastor Cal scratches his head in consideration. Did they get the right address? Of course they did. Their background checks and info on all the contestants are solid. Although there was that one time a serial killer was allowed on the show. But who cares about morals and the safety of everyone involved in the show when the ratings are through the roof! As Pastor Cal is about to leave, he notices that the car in the front yard was running. The camera captures a certain blue eyed cutie sitting in the drivers' seat. Roger has his hand on the grease gun. "We're going to have to blur this out to get it to air on the network." Pastor Cal remarks. 

He knocks on the car window. Startled, Roger looks up and rolls down the window. "Oh hi Pastor Cal! What are you doing here? And why did you bring so many cameramen? I was just um on my way to work. Gotta give some poor bloke a root canal. Teeth don't clean themselves you know."

"Roger, we're here to tell you that you're getting married at first sight! You've been chosen along with four others. You're officially engaged. Normally, we'd offer you a champaign toast, but I don't condone drinking and driving. But I do approve of ethically grey human experiments that can leave people scarred for life for the entertainment of millions of people to tune in each week."

"You're joking!" Roger exclaims. "I'm so happy I could scream...AAAAAA! So who is she? Is she pretty? Does she like music? What does she like to do for fun? Tell me everything!" 

"Um you signed up to be married at first sight. We told you explicitly and in your contract that you signed that you won't know anything about her, not even her name, until you walk down the aisle next week. That's the point of the show." Pastor Cal reminds him. 

"Well that's stupid. Who would ever sign up for a concept as dumb as that...Oh wait."

"Enjoy your bachelorhood while it lasts Roger. You've got one week until you're a married man." Pastor Cal turns to the camera and gives the audience a thumbs up. Then we cut to commercial break.

"Welcome back!" Dr. Pepper greets the viewers. She is standing in front of a beautiful manor surrounded by a garden. "This is Freddie Mercury's home, and we're here to surprise him with the good news." 

Freddie opens the door. When he sees all the cameras, he strikes a dramatic pose. "Pepsi, darling, come in, come in! Let me fetch you a drink. Would you like a glass of Moët et Chandon from my pretty cabinet?"

"Actually, Freddie, the crew and I brought champaign for us to drink because--Achoo! Achoo!" Dr. Pepper suddenly can't stop sneezing. 

"Oh, what's the matter, dear? Are you ill? Try not to spread your germs around thank you very much."

Dr. Pepper rubs her red eyes and her sneezes intensify when a cat walks by. "Oh no! I forgot. I'm allergic to cats! We should have assigned Pastor Cal to this one."

One of the cameramen snickers. He knows that the producers purposely assigned Dr. Pepper to go to Garden Lodge because of her cat allergy. There is absolutely no limit to what the network will do to boost their ratings. 

"I'm...Achoo!..here...because...Achoo!..you *sniffle*..." Things got even worse when Delilah decided to jump up onto Dr. Pepper's lap for some cuddles. 

"Oh, isn't she a sweetheart! She makes me so very happy when she cuddles up and goes to sleep beside me just like that. Also I should have warned you not to sit on that Chippendale suite, but I guess your nose was just too stuffed to smell it. Delilah, dear, I've told you countless time not to pee anywhere besides the litterbox or outside, especially not on my expensive furniture." Delilah purrs happily paying no attention to Freddie's reprimands. 

"Now what were you saying, Pepsi?"

"Y-You're...*sniffle* engaged! Achoo!" 

"Really?" Freddie gasped. "Oh Pepsi, I'd hug you, darling, but I don't want to get sick! This is fantastic!" 

We cut to commercial seconds before Dr. Pepper passes out. More people are tuning into this episode than ever before it seems! The network has already renewed three new seasons and a spinoff! Perhaps the producers should take advantage of Dr. Pepper's misfortunes...

Pastor Cal is back and he informs the viewers "We've already met with Roger and Freddie. Now it's time to tell John Deacon that he's getting married at first sight." 

After the conundrum with Roger being in his car instead of at home, Pastor Cal decides to not even bother with the doorbell because it takes away from precious airtime. Instead, he breaks a window and enters Deaky's house like a burglar. *Please note the network is not responsible for any property damages.*

John is eating a slice of cheese on toast. He looks up and sees Pastor Cal and several cameramen coming in through the window. "Hello," he  says, "my name is John Richard Deacon and I was born on August the 19th."

"Yes. We already know who you are, John." Pastor Cal says. "But for those of you who don't remember here's a repetitive flashback. Roll the clip!" 

Previously on Married at First Sight....

"Hello, my name is John Richard Deacon, and I was born on August the 19th." 

*End of flashback*

"Would you like some cheese on toast? I just went to the store and bought a whole loaf of bread so I have enough for everyone!" The camera pans on Deaky's snack. 

"How about we give you some champaign instead because you're getting married!" Pastor Cal proclaims.

"But I like cheese on toa--Wait what? Did you just say I'm getting married?"

"Yes. You are getting married at first sight next week. You are engaged to a stranger! How does it feel?"

"Good." Deaky states. 

"Um, can you say something more descriptive that will catch our viewers' attention?"

"No." John takes another bite of cheese on toast. 

"Let's cut to commercial." Pastor Cal announces. "When we come back we tell our final contestant that he is going to get married at first sight." 

Dr. Pepper is back. Her eyes are  red and puffy, but her smile still stays on. "Roger, Freddie, and John have all been told that they're going to get married at first sight. But now we have one more person to inform."

Mistaking the wall as a door because her vision is temporarily impaired from the cat allergy related pink eye, Dr. Pepper knocks. "Brian, are you home? It's Dr. Pepper from Married at First Sight." 

"I'm gonna tell her." Cameraman 1 says.

"Don't you dare!" Cameraman 2 scolds. 

Finally, Brian comes out from the real door because he heard the commotion from outside. "Oh my goodness! Am I engaged?"

"What? How did you know?" Dr. Pepper cried. 

"Well why else would you be here with your camera crew? I heard the people who don't make it onto the show just get a rejection email."

"Brian, I am happy to announce that you are getting married at first sight! Isn't that exciting! How about some champaign?" Dr. Pepper holds up her glass in a toast. The only problem is it's not Brian she's addressing. 

"Um, Dr. Pepper. I'm behind you. You're talking to a tree. Do you need medical help?"

"The network already hosts 3 doctors and hospital themed shows. Viewers are tired of seeing that." The cameraman said. 

The camera cuts to Pastor Cal back in the studio. "Coming up we will see our contestants tell their friends and family the good news. Stay tuned!" 

We now see John having a picnic with his mother and sister. It's just a typical lazing on a Sunday afternoon family activity. Apart from the cameras capturing the trio's every move, nothing is out of the ordinary. 

Deaky looks down at his napkin which is totally not a script. "I have an announcement to make. I am engaged." 

His mother and sister look down at their napkins. "Gasp!" They read. 

Now they look to camera, appearing completely lost. The Deacons must not have good improvisational skills, but that's alright. Pastor Cal emerges from the bushes to help them. "That's right. John is getting married at first sight to a complete stranger in one week. You both are invited to the wedding! What do you think?"

"Are you happy, John?" His mother asks. 

"Yes." Deaky replies. 

"All your father ever wanted was for you to be happy. So this is a good thing then." 

"Yay! I get to be a bridesmaid!" His sister shouts excitedly. 

"Hopefully our next contestant will face some family drama because if not the ratings will suffer." Pastor Cal tells the camera. 

Next up is Roger. Like John, he also meets with his mom and sister. They are at Mrs. Taylor's house for no particular reason. Roger looks down at his hand which absolutely does not have any words written on it. "I have an announcement to make. I am engaged....to a stranger."

Mrs. Taylor and Clare both gasp on cue. Then Mrs. Taylor works with the lack of script that follows. "You've done crazier things in the past, honey. As long as you don't get hurt."

"I hope your new wife gets to be my friend." Clare says. "Hopefully she'll be nice."

"Yeah as long as she's hot." Roger remarks. 

Suddenly Pastor Cal slides out from underneath the table. "Is Mr. Taylor going to be invited to the wedding?"

"Absolutely not!" Roger shouts. 

"We've cut ties with him. It's a sensitive subject. I do not want the world to know about it so please respect our privacy." Mrs. Taylor says. 

"So if he were to show up at the wedding, it would cause a ton of drama, correct?" Pastor Cal rubs his hands together eagerly. 

"Well unless somebody tells him about the wedding he won't know about it. Like Mom said we've cut ties with Dad." Clare says. 

"And I do not under any circumstances want him at my wedding." Roger looks directly into the camera as he speaks. "I hope I make myself clear." 

 "Crystal."

"My dental office secretary? Where?" Roger looks around. 

"No, no, I meant..." Pastor Cal cocks his head to the side in consideration. "Is Crystal going to be invited to the wedding?"

"Of course he is. I've known him for years. He was the first person I told about my engagement after my best mate Brian of course. 

"And no drama when you told him?" Pastor Cal seems let down. 

"No. He's happy for me. He can't wait to have a fun but otherwise uneventful time." Roger confirms. 

Pastor Cal sighs. "Now let's see how Brian told his family about the engagement and if it led to anything interesting."

"Bri already told me how it went down. He tells me everything." Roger interrupted. "His parents love him and told him to follow his hearts and some sappy stuff and then they hugged." 

"Complete filler. People will change the station if they haven't already!" A cameramen cried. 

"Did I say Brian? I meant Freddie! Let's go see Freddie. I'm sure something happened during Freddie's announcement that will spike the ratings." 

Jer made spicy curry for Freddie and the company he brought over. Apparently he has some big announcement to make. She was met with a crew from a television show and told specifically to use turmeric in her cooking. She did not question it because it was one of her usual ingredients in curry anyway. 

"Welcome back to Married at First Sight!" Dr. Pepper announces. "I'm here with Freddie's family who have invited me over for dinner. Freddie is about to announce that he is going to get married at first sight."

"Married at first sight?" Bomi asks. "Farrokh, what is going on, son? And why is this crazy lady here with all of her cameras?" 

"Papa, Mama, Kashmira," Freddie addresses his family while Dr. Pepper takes a bite of her curry, "I have an announcement to make. I'm engaged."

Before anyone can react, Dr. Pepper spontaneously combusts. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF BEELZEBUB?" Freddie shouts. 

"Farrokh, be respectful and please do not raise your voice like that!" Bomi reprimands. 

"Um, Freddie, is it normal for your little friend here to explode like this?" Jer inquires. 

"She'll be fine." The cameraman assures them. "She's just allergic to turmeric. It leads to spontaneous combustion."  

"Pepsi is just full of surprises I suppose. Anyway I'm getting married to a stranger next week. Kash, darling, even though it's a same sex marriage I'd like you to be one of my bridesmaids." 

"I'd be honored, Freddie." Kashmira giggles. 

"Farrokh, we have been trying to arrange a marriage for you for years. Why do you trust the expertise of exploding strangers over your own parents?" Bomi cries. 

"Because Papa you keep trying to find me a nice Parsi girl after I've told you time and time again I'm not interested in girls. If you found me a nice Parsi boy I'd reconsider, but it's too late my time has come and I'm going to be matched with someone perfect for me."

"You do not have my blessing." Bomi declares. 

"Bomi, please at least hear him out." Jer reasons. 

"Well you're all invited to the wedding regardless. It is going to be massive! The most elaborate and extravagant thing you've ever seen! I'd hate for you to miss out."

"Actually, we only have the budget to throw you a generic wedding at the local Holiday Inn." The cameraman interrupted. "It's not cheap for the network to pay for four weddings and four honeymoons you know."

"Holiday Inn? Not even the Ritz? What the f---"

The camera cuts to Pastor Cal and Dr. Pepper (who is back in one piece)  in the studio. They are waving to the audience. "Thank you everyone for tuning in. Join us next week on Married at First Sight!"