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Chan was beating himself up. He had taken these kids under his metaphorical wings, they had placed their trust in him, they worked so hard for this, and he had let them down. Not just Minho, not just Felix or Hyunjin, all eight of them.
The thought of another member being eliminated ate at Chan. His heart was ripped from his chest and all the oxygen in his lungs was forced out when JYP had said Felix was gone, cut from the team, left behind.
He saw his baby Aussie try to stay strong, hide his tears, but as soon as Jisung walks over to the boy just one day younger than him, he breaks. He cries into Jisung’s neck and holds him tight, not wanting to let go. Cause when he lets go, he’s gone from the team. They break apart too soon and Felix is left alone in the corner.
Chan approaches him, promising him that he can ‘always find me, yeah?’ in English because he knows that Felix needs a simple comfort of a known language. Chan wasn’t going to leave him behind, not this one. He cared about Felix so much, just a few months ago he had seen him wide eyed and bushy tailed in the dorms. The boy was eager to learn despite his lacking communication skills. When Chan first spoke to him, the fire in his eyes was relit and hope was found in Chan.
Felix clung to Chan from that moment on, only for his rock to be ripped out from under him as waves pelted him and stole his chance. Chan watched sadly as Felix practically crawl to Changbin. The two had grown so close so fast, but watching Felix have to force Changbin to open his arms to hug him was devastating. They exchanged soaked apologies and grasped for comfort in each others arms. Felix’s freckles shone through his ruined makeup.
The younger Aussie left the room after hugging every single member and commiserating with them. The seven boys left in the practice room knew he was being driven to the dorm to get his things. They would stay and cry harder at the loss of another member, another family member.
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Chan shot up from his bed, flinging the covers off of his body and gasping for air. Wiping the tears from his cheek, he got out of his bed and quietly walked across the hall to Felix’s room, he had to make sure the other boy was still there, still peacefully sleeping in his bed. Chan crept until he saw the dirty blond hair entangled with darker brown. Changbin was holding onto Felix like the Australian was a body pillow.
Chan’s breathing slowed as his heart stopped its racing. Felix was still here, Minho was still here, Stray Kids was still ‘nine or none’. The thought calmed Chan down, he took a moment to just admire the two boys that he loved deeply sleep so peacefully. Woojin’s lamp clicked on, startling Chan from his silent observing.
“Hey, hyungie. Go back to sleep, I was just checking on them.” Woojin scoffed and slid his legs over the edge of the bed, “No Chan, you just woke up from another nightmare or something. It’s almost six, we should get breakfast ready anyway.”
Leave it to Woojin to know when Chan’s mind tormented him, and thank God he offered a distraction. They quietly walked to the kitchen and Woojin set music up to play softly while they worked in silence. The elder had a special playlist for his time with Chan, it was usually spent doing domestic things like preparing meals or washing and folding laundry. The emotive, acoustic songs drifted over the two to set a pleasant atmosphere, it was like the calm before the storm.
The storm taking form in seven other boys, the first to wake was Jeongin. The maknae settled himself while watching the two blonds make food. “Morning, appas, can I have coffee?” Both Chan and Woojin told him no, Chan offering to pour him a glass of juice instead. He took it, knowing if he pushed the coffee request he’d be watched like a hawk and couldn’t steal any from Minho later.
The 2000 line all came out at once and surrounded Chan and Woojin in hugs, thanking them for breakfast and mumbling good mornings. It brought huge smiles to the two eldests’ faces, they sent all of them out of the kitchen to wake Minho and Changbin. It was the last quiet moment the two would get today until they put the kids to bed. Woojin sent a small smile in Chan’s direction while plating food and setting the table.
The younger boys came back and dug into the food, thanking Woojin and Chan once more through mouthfuls of broth, veggies, and rice. They lightly scolded the members for talking with their mouthful and admonished the maknae for eating too quickly.
The nine boys rushed to finish their meal, shower, and get ready for practice. 3Racha was stuck in Chan’s studio while the vocalists worked on already produced tracks and the dancers messed around to come up with choreography. Changbin and Jisung knew from the way Woojin had watched Chan during breakfast that something was up. They didn’t know what was wrong, but kept an eye out for anything that might cause the Aussie stress.
Changbin and Chan were currently sitting in spinning chairs writing lyrics while Jisung fiddled with a melody stuck in his head. Changbin had done the skeleton and Chan had mixed the track, they let Jisung add the final touches while they wrote words. It was a different kind of song, diverse from what the three were used to.
It was melancholic, sad, lowkey depressing, but it was supposed to have happy lyrics. A reverse of any old school English alternative band. Chan couldn’t bring himself to write uplifting lyrics, every word that bled onto the page had some deeper meaning that squeezed his heart and hurt. He needed to get the negative feelings out of his head and figured they could use the lyrics for a later track.
Chan refused Changbin’s request to look at what he had gotten so far, claiming that none of it made sense and was just a jumble of words. He was hoping the boys would leave him alone and let him continue in the self-deprecation session he had going for the past three hours. Changbin kept pestering him, leaning over not-so-subtly to peek at his notebook, begging his hyung to rap a little of the lines to the track. Every time Chan would pull the notebook to his chest, make more excuses, until finally he got so fed up with the younger member.
“Seo Changbin! You have to stop,” he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling Jisung. “I told you no, multiple times, and you still want to look at my work? Please, stop, respect that I don’t want you to look at what I wrote. It’s personal and doesn’t fit the theme or type of song we’re working on at the moment. When I finish the lyrics and we work on a different type of song, I promise to show you the lyrics I wrote.”
Chan was red in the face and his hands were flying all around his area. “I’m leaving, taking my things with me and leaving. I don’t want to see your face Changbin until tomorrow morning when you hand me a cup of coffee!” He stormed out and slammed the door on his way out.
Jisung looked over at Changbin who was staring at the closed door in amazement, “Wow, hyung, you really fucked that one up.”
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Woojin looked at his phone. There were four texts from Changbin, 12 from Jisung, and one voicemail from Chan. He listened to the voicemail first, the slightly younger boy never called. It just said that he was going to work in the dance studio with Hyunjin, Minho, and Felix. Jisung and Changbin’s texts were just blurting and panicking that they upset the leader.
Woojin told Seungmin and Jeongin about how Chan and Changbin probably won’t be speaking to each other and to not mention it. They had just finished practicing and it was nearing eight o’ clock. The boys were packing up their things and gathering to leave the building.
Woojin called the manager to get a ride back home, too tired to brave the 15 minute walk in the cold. Seungmin and Jeongin were playing some game on Woojin’s phone - it was the only device with a charge at this time of night. They piled into the car and thanked the manager for picking them up, hearing a “I wouldn’t do this for BTS-sunbaenims” from Seungmin. Woojin just stared at him in disappointment, the vocal was taking BTS World way too seriously.
The two youngests were ushered into the dorms by Woojin, thanking Changbin silently for having dinner ready. “We eat and all of you are off to bed, you shouldn’t need showers but brush and floss your teeth before bed, got it?” Woojin stood over the table collecting plates and waiting for the members to acknowledge what he just instructed.
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Chan was slumped on the couch in the corner of the studio, practically dead on his feet. He was ‘resting his eyes’, it’s what he told Felix when the younger accused him of sleeping. The two had been play fighting just moments ago, yelling loud words in English, making no sense, and entertaining Hyunjin and Minho to laughs. He had tired himself out and decided to sit out when Minho called for another run through of the newly put together choreography.
The one run through turned into four and seven and twelve. It was almost 11 o’ clock when Chan woke again. The dancers were still going at it, sweaty and Hyunjin looked a little achy. Minho was still going strong, always pushing himself and holding himself to a higher standard, but Felix noticed Chan was up from his nap.
Before he could register that the younger Aussie was running towards him, he had a lapful of Felix clinging to him. “Hey, Lixie, can you convince them to go home now? You guys need to eat and shower and sleep.” He felt Felix nod against his neck, but he hesitated letting go of Chan. “Can we talk when we get home?” He asked and Chan nodded while pushing Felix away from him.
They were home in record time, a half hour. To be fair, Chan wanted to walk and Minho agreed that it would make a good cool down from the constant dancing. But they were more tired than anticipating and the two hyungs were nice enough to carry the others the way home. Felix’s breathing had evened out and slowed down against Chan’s ear, Chan hoped Felix could get a small nap before he woke him up to eat and shower. And talk, whatever Felix wanted to talk about.
Minho had jostled Hyunjin while walking to keep him awake, letting him and Felix take the first shower while he and Chan reheated dinner. There was a sticky note on the tupperware in Changbin’s handwriting that read ‘sorry for being an asshole today, hyung. What do you want in your coffee?’ It left a weird taste in Chan’s mouth that he had fought with a member and not made up before going to bed. He would have to apologise to Changbin first thing in the morning.
Felix was slowly waking up, despite showering, at the kitchen table and Chan was practically shoving food in is own mouth so he could shower after Hyunjin. He would talk to Felix while Minho showered and then be able to go to bed. He was exhausted, he couldn’t imagine how the dancers felt.
He came out of the bathroom and spotted Felix sitting on the couch under a large blanket. He walked towards him, hair half pulled into a bun and fingers slightly shaking from sleep deprivation. He sat and got under the blanket with Felix, immediately met with cold toes shoved into his personal space. Felix shifted to curl into Chan’s warm body. “What’s got you so cuddly today, Lix?”
Chan had a feeling he knew what was up with the younger Australian, but didn’t want to say it. It was like Voldemort’s name, if you said it, it got stronger.
“I miss Australia, not just my family but the smell and temperature and stereotypes that are actually kind of true. I miss the beach and sun shining on my face. I miss being tan and my natural hair colour. I wish I could just go back, the variety show and tour dates weren’t enough, Chris.” Felix buried himself into Chan’s chest, sighing.
Chan was grateful that this wasn’t one of the ‘I miss home so much that I’m gonna cry’ moment. He didn’t think he could console a crying Felix at this time of night, it was almost past midnight. He just held the younger Aussie, offering a physical comfort most of the other boys were embarrassed to display.
“I miss home too, Lixie. At least you aren’t a different person with a different name.” He quietly said, honestly not meaning for that to come out. He hoped Felix didn’t catch what he said, it seemed the younger was asleep. Chan’s slightly true feelings were still hidden, still kept from the members, in turn keeping them happier.
Woojin padded into the room, “Channie, you’re in our room tonight, Bin went with Sungie.” Woojin was already lifting Felix out of Chan’s arms and carrying him to their room, leaving no room for Chan to protest the altered sleep arrangements. Chan got up from the couch and carried the blanket with him to the room.
Felix was tucked in, Chan still felt the need to press a small kiss to his forehead and sleep in the same bed as him but he didn’t want to be mistaken for Changbin when Felix woke up. Woojin pulled Chan into his bed and wrapped his arms around him.
“I know you’re homesick too, Channie. You wanna talk about?” Chan shook his head, Woojin was nice enough to drop the subject. Just knowing that someone knew was enough for Chan. He pulled Woojin’s blankets over the both of them without hesitation, “I just want to sleep hyung. I’ll be alright soon.”
Woojin tugged tighter and nestled his face in Chan’s damp hair. He placed soft kisses intermittently until Chan fell asleep. They stayed like that until Changbin dumped a cup of cold coffee over both of them, but mostly Chan, the next morning.
Chan leapt from his spot on the bed and laughed his head off as Changbin ran away. Everyone was up and making breakfast, Minho had let Jeongin have a cup of coffee, Seungmin was staring daggers at Hyunjin for stealing some of his rice. Chan caught Changbin and gave him a huge hug, effectively getting him wet with coffee too.
They all sat to start eating and talked before they split off into smaller groups. Chan smiled brightly, half hidden by the hot cup of coffee Changbin had poured for him. He found his family, the eight boys he treated with the utmost care and in return got their trust and support and love. He couldn’t ask for a better group.