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No, George thought as he was sat in bed some lazy morning, he was sorting through some thoughts that had crossed his mind lately, one more prominent than others. He was questioning things that he never thought to question until lately, until someone basically shoved them into his face, and by someone, he means Will. Will, with his stupid hats and stupid accent, it was like he purposefully shoved these stupid qualities, that George for some reason found attractive, into his face. Will of all people, Will was the one who caused George to question everything, to question if he was actually who he had thought he was. It scared him, but he laughed at the thought of Will being the cause.
George turned over in his bed, thinking that maybe moving around would clear up his head, maybe it would cause his thoughts to shut up forever if he stopped thinking them, a stupid thought if he was being honest. It didn’t work. He thought about Will again, Will’s stupid smile and his stupid lanky legs, he wanted to stop thinking about his mate so vividly, so much. This wasn’t like him, besides the strange fact that it was Will who accompanied these thoughts, this wasn’t like him, it was like Alex, or like someone else, but not like George. He was George memeulous, he was George who always talked about fancying e-girls, he was George who slept in Minecraft beds with his mates whilst saying “no homo”, he was George who was interested in GIRLS, interested in shagging GIRLS, but here he was, acting like Alex or someone other than himself and pinning over some bloke who was his mate. Some bloke, who was a bloke.
He breathed out heavily and rolled back over, not expecting anything this time but wanting it to leave him alone all the same. His mind tried to trail back, find thoughts of Will, his face, his shoulders, him. But, he couldn’t allow it, he couldn’t allow himself to continue to go down the same hole without an outcome.
George stood up suddenly, walking to his dresser and putting on a black jumper that had his channel logo on it, along with some sweatpants, then he went for his bedroom door, thinking it was best to have some human contact instead of sitting alone, letting his thoughts consume him anymore.
As he walked out he heard the kettle boiling, relieved Alex was awake, relieved he didn’t have to sit alone with his thoughts in just another room.
“Hey, George,” Alex’s voice came from the sofa, “Glad you’re up, can you grab the tea?” He was sprawled across the couch still in his pyjamas, presumably just too lazy to stand up and get it himself. George didn’t mind fetching the tea though, he normally probably would have minded but instead, now he was just glad there was someone to be with, someone to distract him.
After grabbing the tea without a word, he sat down next to Alex, drinking his own cup. “Alex, mate?” George started, he didn’t know where he was going with this, he didn’t expect to want to talk with Alex about this, but he knew couldn’t keep it in, he couldn’t keep all this pain to himself, he thought it selfish, but really couldn’t be bothered to care.
Alex hummed in acknowledgement, sipping his tea again, staring tiredly at the floor. “I think… I think- you know, I’m interested in someone…” Alex looked over to George with curiosity, waiting for him to go on, but George didn’t, George couldn’t say it, he couldn’t tell Alex that he fancied their mate, much less that he might be a bit gay, that felt impossible.
“Yeah? Go on then,” Alex urged him, “Who is she?” George felt his muscles tense, he felt himself crumble right there, in front of Alex, Alex who was supposed to be a distraction, though he thought it his fault for bringing this all up in the first place. George brought his knees up under his chin, he reminded himself of a child, scared of the world, that was really what he was right now, scared of the world, scared of what was to come. He turned to look at Alex, the words wouldn’t allow themselves to leave his lips, he wished Alex could read his mind, it would be much simpler. Alex didn’t get it though, he just stared at George looking like George felt, confused.
“No-” George tried, feeling like everything inside of him was on fire, feeling like all was lost and everything was ruined already. “Not she…” He couldn’t look at Alex, Alex was surely thinking the same thing he had thought, this wasn’t him, something had taken him over, he wasn’t the same person, he wasn’t George Memeulous.
“Oh,” Alex said, he was obviously not expecting that, and neither was George, George didn’t want to say that, he wanted to come out from his room and use Alex as a distraction, not something to confirm his thoughts. “W- Who’s he, then?” He said, sounding slightly surprised, but not disappointed or disgusted as George thought.
George turned back to look at him, he looked calm, “H- How can you just accept that, how are you okay with that? Alex, mate, I’m not gay, you knew this, I knew this! This isn’t me-”
“George” Alex cut him off, “I don’t care, I mean, I wasn’t expecting that, but I don’t care. Just because you might fancy a few blokes doesn’t mean you’re not George anymore. Can’t help who you like.” Alex moved closer to rest a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah, but… This person, this guy- Alex, I’m scared,” George cried, reminding himself of a child again, reminding himself of being scared in a supermarket lost from his mum, the same feeling, the same pit filling his stomach, but this time it wasn’t losing his mum, it was liking Will. He felt his eyes tear up, he wasn’t one to cry, that wasn’t like him, but he supposed that a lot of things weren’t like him at the moment.
“I know, I know George, but it’ll all go away, you’ll be okay, I promise,” Alex said, pulling him into a tight hug, this wasn’t like them, this all wasn’t normal.
***
Will was over at his flat, sat on their sofa like normal, it felt weird, normal things, as most things now were far from normal, but this was normal, despite the hot pit in his stomach whenever George looked at Will, looked at his stupid smile or heard his stupid laugh, things were normal, as normal as they would get.
“George, mate, we don’t just have to sit ‘round, could go out for some drinks if you fancy, unless you’d rather stay in and continue to stare at some documentary that neither of us gives two shites about-” Will said, looking over to George from the opposite side of the sofa, he smiled stupidly, so fucking stupid, “Don’t really care either way, quite like just sittin’ with you, but if you want to-”
“We can go out, get a drink or something,” George cut in, drinking was a sure way to cause a distraction, and that’s what he desperately needs.
“Right then, it’s settled, can go now if you fancy, it’s nearly 9 already,” Will said, standing up and causing the sofa to move slightly. George nodded, he wasn’t interested in changing or looking nice, he was really just interested in getting pissed, getting free of his thoughts for a few hours, or at least make them slightly less loud, his thoughts weren’t going away fully if Will was by his side, all big and warm, right next to him.
***
George was drunk, like he had said he would be, happily drunk might he add, swaying along to some popular song which he had no idea any of the lyrics to, Will was next to him, dancing along, just as drunk as George. The light continued to move through the room, dancing across Will’s face occasionally, causing him to look quite attractive, George let these thoughts wander for once, not really caring as he watched Will dance, no idea George’s eyes were glued to everything he did. Will moved closer to him, not looking up but moving closer, he put his arms around Georges' shoulders causing them both to sway quite out of rhythm and drunkenly, they probably looked quite stupid to anyone watching.
Finally, Will did look up, his eyes blue and far too close to George, they were dangerously bright, something that George swore if he looked at for too long he’d see when he closed his eyes, much like when you look at a bright light for too long. Eye contact wasn’t broken for a while, Will smiled, moving even closer to George, this was so unspoken and so dangerous, yet George welcomed it with open arms, he broke the eye contact when he rested his head on Will’s shoulder as they swayed and the song got slower, this intimacy overload suddenly caused the pit in Georges' stomach to heat itself up, pulling him harshly back down to reality. George thought he might puke. He pulled away roughly, looking at the confusion plastered onto Will’s face, he felt everything fall apart, he wished he hadn’t pulled away, he wished he was still in Will’s arms, but that wasn’t allowed, that wasn’t him.
“Gonna go sit down,” George said, loudly, he didn’t bother to check if Will heard him before he walked away, back towards the bar, away from the noise, away from Will. He mentally slapped himself, upset he let his thoughts wander, remembering how he thought that maybe he if didn’t think things, they would go away, it was quite a stupid thought then, but right now, he was drunk and close to breaking down, so it was all he had. He ordered another drink, trying to rid his mind of every thought regarding Will. He barely registered when a slim figure sat next to him, not bothering to care, he downed his drink and threw his head into his hands.
“Rough night, then?” A higher voice came, George realized it was a girl, for a while he forgot that girls existed, he forgot that they were the ones he was supposed to fancy, he looked beside him, she was objectively pretty, looked about his age but had a young face, her hair was long and blonde but pushed to one of her shoulders, she wore a high dress. She was exactly what George’s type would be if he wasn’t desperately pinning over his best, male, mate that is.
“Could say that,” George chuckled, he tried to forget Will for a few seconds and focus on this fit girl. But that was nearly impossible, he just wanted Will, he didn’t want some lass from a club, he wanted his mate, Will.
She smiled prettily, “That’s hard to believe, that is, someone as fit as you just aren’t allowed to have shit nights.” Her tone sounded like Will’s, or maybe that was just George’s drunken thoughts, but she reminded him enough of Will, which is why he didn’t have as big of an issue leaving the club with her, didn’t have as big of an issue going to her flat and fucking her that night, but he didn’t feel anything, not when he came, not when he laid with her as she slept on his chest that night. This didn’t feel like him either. She was small, she didn’t have Will’s smell, Will’s voice, Will’s arms, his legs, his shoulders, his laugh… She wasn’t Will.
He woke to an unfamiliar smell and a huge fuck-off headache, there was weight pressed to his side and his phone was ringing beside him. He opened his eyes and slowly everything came back to him, last night, the girl, Will. He didn’t even know her name, but she was pressed to his side, asleep, or so he thought.
“Aren’t you gonna answer that, lad?” She said looking up at him as he sat frozen, regret pouring in from everywhere - he hadn’t even told Will he was leaving with her, he hadn’t told Will anything.
George quickly reached for his phone, nearly smacking the unknown girl in the face, he really couldn’t care less though, “Hello? Will?” He spoke regretfully into the phone.
There was a sigh from the other line, “George, oh my god, George, are you okay? What the fuck happened, I’ve been up all night- I… I thought something had happened to you…” Will’s soft voice poured in through the phone and George felt his stomach burn again.
“Yeah… Yeah, I’m okay, sorry- I… I was so out of it last night, I went home with… Uh-” He looked over to the girl desperately, she seemed to get what he was hinting at and quietly mouthed the name Zoe, “...With Zoe” George sighed.
“Who?” Will’s voice sounded a bit rougher now, less worried but more of something George was unable to identify.
“Friend of mine. Had to clear my head. Drank far too much, I just didn’t think to call you… I’m sorry- I should’ve thought to-” George was cut off by Will sighing deeply.
“It’s okay, George, mate, It is. I- I overreacted really, should’ve guessed you went home with some lass.” Will sighed again, he sounded upset now, the same as before but for a different reason, George wished he knew what. Will hung up, leaving George sat there, not knowing what to think, just knowing he fucked up.
“Everything alright?” Zoe asked, looking confused, “Lad on the other side seemed far too worried, don’t normally do this, do you?” She said, getting up and throwing on some clothes, George did the same, but with the same clothes as yesterday. He hardly registered what she had said, too worried about Will, Will’s tone of voice, was he disappointed?
“Oh,” George said, thinking barely of what his answer would be, thoughts swirling around his head, should he go see Will? Or did Will want nothing to do with him anymore? He knew he needed to accept his feelings for a bloke, if not multiple than just one, he needed to push past the denial and find Will, because it was Will, it wasn’t Zoe, it wasn’t another bloke, it was Will, it had always been Will, it just took a while to figure out, but now he knew, now he could tell that these feelings belonged to Will, were because of Will.. “I… Uh, No. It was a mistake, I’m sorry.”
She frowned a bit but nodded, “Thought so, that’s alright.” She moved to leave the bedroom and George followed swiftly behind her, feeling incredibly guilty that he used this poor lass to figure out his feelings, to come to finally accept the fact he had feelings in the first place.
“Zoe, I’m really sorry. You- You reminded me of someone I fancy, and that’s why I let myself go with you last night, It isn’t because of you, I was just so caught in my feelings…” George sighed and ran his hands through his hair, he then realized what was happening, Zoe was reaching out to hand him a cup of tea.
“‘S fine, really is,” She smiled, “I’ll take that as a compliment, Will sounds like a lovely fella.”
George grinned, he didn’t ask how she knew, he supposed it probably was quite obvious. He did fancy Will, and that was alright, he was coming to accept it, coming to accept he might not be appalled to fancy lads. Just cause he fancies a few lads doesn’t mean he isn’t George.
On the uber ride back he pulled out his phone, typing out a quick text to Alex, he took a deep breath before pressing send.
George: will
George: the bloke that i fancys will
George: took a while to come round to the idea of fancying him but i do
George placed his phone on the seat beside him and breathed in, he thought about last night, he thought about himself, who he was, he thought about feeling nothing with Zoe and feeling everything with Will, though he hadn’t fucked Will, not even come close, he felt so much with him, and maybe that was okay, maybe it was just a different part of himself that he hadn’t met yet, a part of him that was allowed to fancy a bloke, to fancy Will. In all honesty, George thought he had never felt this way about anyone before Will, he had his high school crushes, girls he fancied before, but nothing came close to this, this feeling whenever Will was near him, this feeling that came even when he just thought of Will, the hot pit in his stomach, it wasn’t a bad pit, it wasn’t the pit that you feel when you lose your mum in a grocery store, it was the pit that came when you went down a fast roller coaster, except it was a thousand times more exhilarating. He quickly realized after that, that he quite liked this feeling, this pit, it reminded him of Will, rightfully so as well, pretty much belonged to Will, it did. He wanted to be around Will more, it had always been like this to be fair, but before he thought he despised this feeling, but he didn’t, he never has, he was just terrified, terrified to accept the fact he likes this feeling, and fuck, he loves it.
George’s phone buzzed beside him, bringing him out of his trance.
Alex: oh
Alex: proud of you xx
Alex: took me much longer with james
George: i know it was painful mate
Alex: shut up
Alex: you should talk to him tho like
George was painfully aware of the fact he needed to speak with Will, he had now accepted the fact he had feelings for Will but was terrified of the response Will would have, he was sure to push him away, maybe have the same thoughts George had when he was first made aware of his own feelings. Will might laugh, take it as a joke, or he might take it serious and leave. George couldn’t deal with either, he just needed to get it out, he couldn’t keep this bottled in, so despite what the outcome would be, he needed to tell Will.
George: i know i will at some point
George: just a bit scared
Alex: wtf i can’t believe the big g memeulous is scared of willne
Alex: itll be fine he might feel the same n even if not at least u told him
George: yeah cheers
George put his phone back into his pocket, and the uber came to a stop as if on cue, he thanked the driver and jumped out, smelling familiar smells instead of something he didn’t recognise. He sighed slowly and walked up to his flat.
***
George: come over yeah
George: really need to talk
Will: ok see u in ten
George thought it was best not to waste any time, as Alex was over at James and Fraser's for the night, he had the flat alone so it was really now or never. He rehearsed what he was going to say to Will, exactly how he would say it. He was going to sit him down and explain that he fancied him, just like that, then he would say that he knows Will doesn’t fancy him back, which isn’t why he’s saying this, that he’s just saying this to get it out and to stop it from eating him away. But when the light knocks at the door came, George felt as if he hadn’t rehearsed nearly enough, if at all, his throat grew dry and the pit came back, but now the pit was a mixture, a mixture of the bad and the good pit.
“Hey George,” Will said right as George opened the door, “Is everything okay?” He walked through the door, past George and kicked off his shoes, going to sit on the sofa.
George didn’t answer him, “Do you want tea?”
Will furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, “No, George, I want you to talk to me,” It was fair enough for Will to think like this, George nearly never asked Will over just to talk. Will was sat, waiting patiently, but he wasn’t ready for what George had to say, George wasn’t ready, but it had to be said, it hurt so bad, but it had to be said.
“I- I… Okay.” George came over to where Will was sat on the sofa, sitting as far away as possible, he was scared Will might be disgusted with him afterwards, not wanting to be near him.
“Go on, mate,” Will said, he seemed worried.
George sighed, he forgot everything he had rehearsed, he forgot why he was doing this, he just wanted it to be over, he wanted Will to curse at him and storm out, because it’s really what he deserves, he left Will at a club because of feelings he couldn’t control, went off to god knows where to fuck a random lass, and here Will is, sat on his sofa the next day, as if nothing happened, as if George didn’t betray their friendship, as if George wasn’t in love with his best friend.
“Fuck- I…” He willed himself to speak, knowing it needed to be said, “I rehearsed this so many fucking times, and I can’t remember a word I was going to say.”
Will chuckled, “It’s that important then,” He said, more than asking, smiling but a hint of concern clouding it, “Just speak from your heart, G.”
“Will- I… I think I like blokes,” George said, looking down at his hands, not daring to look up at Will. There was silence for a few seconds before he heard Will take a deep breath, he didn’t seem upset, which was surprising.
“Yeah?” Will asked, “Tell you what, that’s not what I was expecting,”
George chuckled weakly, “What were you expecting then?”
“Dunno, just not that.” Will said, their eyes met, “How’d you know?”
George breathed and broke the eye contact, looking everywhere but Will, this was it, this had to happen, he realized this might be his last moments with Will, with them being friends, ‘normal’ friends. “Main reason was last night, right, I went home with that girl, Zoe, she was real fit, but the only reason I went home with her was 'cause she reminded me of this… of this bloke, the only reason I fucked her was ‘cause I thought she spoke like this bloke… Quite a dumb reason, she didn’t look like him, but she reminded me of him, so I fucked her. But I felt nothing, not after, not in the morning when I woke up with her laying on me, the only time I felt something was when…” George trailed off, not daring to look up at Will.
They were both silent for a few moments, “When what, George?” Will’s voice cracked, it was soft and quiet, like he was speaking secrets that only they knew.
“When… When he called me that morning.” George breathed, he continued because he didn’t want to hear Will speak, not yet, “I felt the same, the same feeling I had always felt around him, this pit in my stomach when hearing his stupid fucking voice, I always hated the pit because it reminded me of him, of not being able to control my feelings, of wanting to be around him, of wanting to feel it more. Like that feeling, I do, but I hated that I liked it, isn’t something that I thought I was allowed to like. It’s just… It’s his stupid hair, and his stupid voice, and stupid fucking laugh… Honestly, don’t understand how it happened, but the feeling is constantly there, when I’m with him, and I love it, not scared of it anymore… Am scared as fuck of him though.”
George pulled the courage to look over at Will, he looked surprised, rightfully so. His lips were parted slightly, his cheeks slightly coloured red, and his eyes wide, he looked quite attractive, George wasn’t going to deny that now. “Oh,” He said, their eyes met again, neither daring to break the contact.
“W- Why are you scared of him?” Will whispered delicately as if the world would shatter if he spoke any louder.
George felt the pit in his stomach deepen, “I don’t want to lose him,”
It was quiet for a few moments before Will moved closer next to George, pulling his arm around the back of the sofa and bringing George closer to his chest, Will rested his head on top of Georges. George breathed in his scent, that’s home, that’s what home smells like. Their bodies were pressed together, side by side, as they sat like that, Will’s arm still around George, holding him close, tightly.
“You won’t. You’re not gonna lose me, George, I’m right here. There’s nothing you could ever do to lose me.” Will said, incredibly soft.
“Doubt you’d still be my mate if I murdered someone,” George chuckled weakly.
“Probably would, quite like your company, you probably killed ‘em for a reason, like” Will said, George could hear the grin in his voice, he shuffled up, still under Will’s grip, to rest his head on his shoulder, Will’s hand tightened around Georges' shoulders, he seemed just as scared that George would get up and run away. It was stupid, George thought, stupid for either of them to think the other would run, would leave.
“You’re so stupid,” George said, smiling into Will’s shoulder.
“Heard you quite like stupid, though?” Will chuckled, playing with the hem on Georges hoodie.
“Yeah, I do.” George smiled, thinking the conversation was over, George confessed and that was it, he didn’t expect anything to come out of it, but he didn’t expect this either. It was a nice middle ground, he liked being around Will, cuddled up to his side, that was enough, the pit in his stomach was happy.
“You know,” Will started quietly, “I get it, the pit, like… I know what you mean,” George’s throat closed up, no, he didn’t want to hear about Will fancying someone else, not right now, he couldn’t deal with it, as selfish as it is, he couldn’t do it.
“Will…” George started, but trailed off, he didn’t know what to say.
“George, am so shit with words, especially ‘round you, especially right now, but I feel it too, I really like your stupid jokes, your stupid fucking grin, your laugh… fuck off, George… I was so fucking jealous when you said you left the club, with some girl, you left with some bird and not me, wasn’t even mad, was just so fucking jealous, some girl you just met got to… got to be with you, and I hadn’t.” Will breathed out, his hand tightened against George’s shoulder, so afraid he would get up and walk away.
George didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, he never thought the feelings would be returned, it was almost like a dream, he was waiting to wake up. He sat up, feeling Will tense around him, but let go respectively, sighing.
“I’m sorry, I-” Will started but was cut off by George’s lips and his legs around Will’s own. George didn’t think before he did it, he knew he would read into it, and that would take far too long, he decided best go with what he wants, right now. So he did, he kissed him. Kissed him long, for mere seconds but it felt like hours, like a lifetime and George wanted more, even a lifetime wasn’t enough. That was when George fell completely, he fell hard, but it wasn’t unexpected, he realized then he wasn’t going to let Will go.
They pulled away and rested their foreheads together, “You’re so stupid, I literally confessed to you, and you thought I was gonna run when you confessed back.” George giggled, like actually giggled.
“Fuck off, was scared.” Will said through a wide smile, “and I thought you liked stupid,” He said, for the second time.
“Already told you, I do,” George said, and kissed him again, because he could, because he was so fucking stupid.