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It started long ago, I swear it did, maybe innocently but it was there. We had a special bond, he was my big brother, my hero, my love. How could I not look up to him? How could I not run to comfort to the strongest person I knew?
I’d sneak to his bed when I had nightmares of snakes eating snakes, a cannibalistic nightmare. Or of Sirius being lost and me trying to find him. I would search so hard, but I always felt that he picked a road I was too scared to follow. So I would search elsewhere in the dream. He’d never say no to me, he’d just scoot over, cover me up and hold me tight, humming ancient lullabies. He was the best in those moments.
The worst was when he aggravated mother, yelled at her and caused a scene. It wasn’t that hard to obey her, was it? I thought that it must be his pride: Sirius just had too much of it and so did our mother. Fire attacking fire just ledto a bigger flame. Father tried to calm them down but it never worked, he would simply get a drink and look away. I was left to speak to a fuming Sirius to get him to settle down. It wasn’t until I was 8 and Sirius 9 that I learned a kiss would help. Just a simple peck to the cheeks, forehead, lips if I felt daring or because a rather vicious argument. Sirius would let go of his anger and listen to me.
“Maybe stop going against her every word,” I’d say. He’d counter that he would not be “controlled by that ‘bitch’. I hated when he used such crude words, but he’d apologize afterwards though. He complained that father never did anything, didn’t try hard enough, but said I was the best, his precious little brother who made things better. We survived everything together: when one of us was lacking, the other would come to the other one’s aid. He learned to control magic much quicker than I did, even learned how to ride a broom very young. I used to feel jealous until he started to get me involved. He’d teach me to ride a broom and be there when I fell off of it, tears in my eyes until he’d wipe them away.
“Don’t worry, Reg, you’re doing good!” he’d say, encouraging me to keep trying. And I did. I always kept attempting, and if I failed, he was there. It was the total opposite of our parents who expected nothing but success. How was someone supposed to never fail? It ate at me, the fear of their disappointed looks and even if Sirius was rebellious, he was perfect on every other field. Our Governess exclaimed how naturally gifted he was, a true charmer, a quick learner, that he had a bright future as a Lord. I was just his shadow, better than others but not him, not ever. But at least he didn’t ignore me like others do their shadows. He’d turn to me and tell me good I was, that he was proud. It helped, it helped so much. All my confidence I’ve ever had was because he gave it to me. He never expected me to be perfect, just to be his Reggie.
Sirius was a prankster and one of his favourite targets was our cousin, Bellatrix. He used to prank Cissy before by making her hair green, but she’d cry, and Andy made him promise not to do it again. Andy was nice but could be real scary when she wanted to, whereas Bella was scary and mean all the time. And she did pranks too, but never got in trouble for it. She could make my books fly out of my hand or untie my shoes without suffering any consequences, but when Sirius made her dress turn pink, she would tell on him. No one listened to us. I did help him on occasion since he seemed to have so much fun and I wanted in, but he’d take all the blame, even when it wasn’t a prank. Like the time I broke our mother’s antique tea cups. Sirius said he did it by accident even if I had been the one to do it. He got grounded for a month with no desserts. I felt guilty and snuck him cookies when I could.
Sirius would also let me play dress up with him, I’d take one of mothers childhood dresses and wear it, while he’d wear father's old suit. Sometimes we switched it up, but I liked seeing the end of the dress twirl around my calves. Father found us one time and laughed so hard he almost fell. He didn’t punish us, though he told us not to do it when mother was home. Father did always tolerate us more than mother. Sirius said it was because she had no heart and father was weak. I didn’t get it at first, wondering how somebody couldn't have a heart. It didn’t make sense back then. Until it did years later.
The year before Sirius entered Hogwarts was the last year there was true peace, as the fighting Sirius and Mother had were nothing compared to what was to come. I wish I had known what the future held, I’d have cherished our time together more then.
Uncle Aphard would insist to take us out, saying that he’d have less time with his favourite nephews now that one of them was away at school that year. He’d buy us so many sweets and let us stay up at night when we were at his home. He was a great uncle, my favourite, but then again if you asked all the Black kids who their favourite was, it would be Alphard. Uncle Cygnus, however, was real boring and strict. He never seemed to enjoy anything in life. Even father could make a joke or two.
Sirius would build blanket forts and say that it was a castle, and that he needed to defend me from evil monsters coming to eat us. The monsters being little paper swans and other wooden toys he’d charmed into moving. Even if our parents deemed us to old to play in such ways, we did it knowing it would be our last time to enjoy this child play. Mother did give him credit for being able to do so much without even beginning his proper studies. She would look at me after saying that as though expecting me to prove that I could do the same, but I couldn’t. Her look of disappointment would never stop stinging.
“Are you my knight in shining armour, Siri?” I’d ask Sirius when I felt lost. He’d jump up and say that yes, he’d protect me and make me feel better. He’d promise that no one would make me feel down, not even mother. I’d smile and give him the tightest hug I could, but he’d always hold me together. His arms were the best place to be in.
Before his time came to leave for Hogwarts, I cried for a week straight. I never left his side, telling our parents I was going to die without him. Father let me be coddled by Sirius, but mother was insistent that I stop being a petulant child. How could I? I’d never been apart from him for more than a day! Sirius promised that days would go by quick and we’d see each other again for winter break. He said that I didn’t need to miss him so much, because the following year I’d join him and we’d be together. That we’d rule Hogwarts together. I had to be pried from my grip on him when he had to enter the Hogwarts Express. Father held me by my shoulders when Sirius hopped on it. I waved and didn’t stop, not until the train was out of sight. Father bought me a new toy to ease my pain, but what was the point if I couldn't even show it to Siri.
Later that day came a letter that shattered my hopes and would be the warning of a storm looming close. Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, not Slytherin like the many Blacks before him. Mother exclaimed that he had disgraced our house, but I couldn’t stop thinking that this meant something worse. We wouldn’t be together next year. Never would we share house colours and friends. The rivalry between the two would tear us apart, I knew it would. I wasn’t proved entirely wrong later on. I wrote Sirius later saying that he needed to be in Slytherin with me. He replied that he didn’t need to be in that house, that he was perfectly fine with where he was sorted and that he’d even made a friend.
James Potter. I was already jealous and I hadn’t seen him yet. A brother stealer. A mean, evil, blood traitor.
When Sirius arrived back for winter break, mother gave him an ear full and father wouldn’t speak more than two words at him. I was upset with him as well, but I preferred burying it down and just playing with him. He kept talking about his friends though, and all the pranks they’d done so far. I pushed him down our staircase after the fourth day straight of him blabbering on.
“Stop talking about them!” I yelled with tears in my eyes. He didn’t get hurt too badly as we were already near the bottom, but he bumped his forehead and it left a bloody scratch. He cried and threw the book he was holding at me. Our parents were enraged by our behaviour, but I didn’t care about them. I did feel guilty since Sirius was crying and he rarely did. I was the crybaby, not him. But my jealousy took over and I couldn’t think of anything but the fact that Sirius didn’t seem to miss me one bit, that he was replacing
me.
We were forced to apologize to each other and for once, I got the punishment and not him.
When his break ended, I felt empty once again when he left. Father grew worried by my lack of interest in anything, but Mother said not to worry. Narcissa too had struggled when Andromeda left, the two having been close. Andy wasn’t family anymore though, since she had ran off with a muggleborn wizard. She was burnt off the tapestry. It was terrifying seeing where she had once been.
When the school year ended, Sirius and I were close as ever, laughing and hugging, jeering and playing constantly. He didn’t bring up his friends much. He did send Potter a letter once, but I was okay with it: I had him all to myself. We tried to ignore our mother’s lectures about how Blacks were only meant to be in Slytherin, and perhaps Ravenclaw, but nothing else. She kept pulling me aside to reassure me that I had a duty to uphold and must be sorted into Slytherin. I would say that I had no doubt I’d be placed in the prestigious house. She would nod and glare at Sirius who would stick his tongue at her once she turned away.
“Don’t worry, Reggie, you don’t have to be in Slytherin”, he said once. I looked deep into his eyes and shook my head.
“No,” I said and Sirius had looked annoyed but didn’t say much else. It was how things were meant to be. He was rebelling, but I wouldn’t be dragged down. Slytherin wasn’t terrible. Why did he have to go against everything our parents said? I never had the guts to ask though. I abhorred fighting with him.
When it was my time to go to Hogwarts, I felt a heavy weight in my stomach. Mother whispered that I knew what I had to do. Father didn’t seem phased, just told us to hurry and behave. I found an empty compartment and tried to tell Sirius to join me, but he was gone. Dejected, I looked for him and found him with his friends.I asked if I could sit with them, even if I truly didn’t want to. I just wanted to be with my brother.
Sirius told a ‘Peter’ to scoot over and I sat next to him. James intently looked at me, while the boy beside him looked out the window.
“This is my baby brother, Regulus.” Sirius said, proud that we were related. I felt elated, but it all went downhill when Potter asked what House did I think I’d get. I didn’t hesitate to say Slytherin, but the cabinet felt heavy when the words left my mouth. Potter didn’t seemed pleased, not one bit.
“Slytherins are all evil”, he said to me. He went on about how only dark wizards and witches join and that his parents say not be friends with that sort of people. Sirius didn’t say anything while the other boy went on. “Why aren’t you like Sirius? He’s the right sort of pureblood.”
I felt so awful and insulted. How could he speak to me like that? How could Sirius just sit there? I had turned to Sirius and he said that I really didn’t need to listen to mother. I couldn’t stay a single moment longer there and left, trying to hold back tears. I kept reeling the words Potter said to me in my head. He was a dumb boy, mother had said the Potters were blood traitors. I couldn’t understand why Sirius was friends with him.
I found another compartment with a red headed girl and a dark haired boy. I could see that the girl was in Gryffindor and the boy in Slytherin. They let me enter and I soon learned their names, Lily Evans and Severus Snape. We chatted and it was fun. They were nice, but I had to ask where they came from. Lily was a muggle born and the other was Half Blood, he had seemed to hesitate to tell me it at the time. I told them I was Regulus of the Most Ancient and Noble House Black.
Their looks turned reserved at that. They said my brother was a mean prankster who bullied other students, especially Slytherins. I felt taken aback. I knew Sirius loved to pull pranks but a bully? Was he that mean? He had only ever been kind to me. They asked me what house I’d be in and I replied Slytherin. Lily didn’t seem to be against it, saying perhaps we could still be friends like her and Severus. I nodded but didn’t say anything. Purebloods weren’t supposed to be friends with muggleborns or muggles.
When the Sorting Ceremony began and my name was eventually called, each step I took felt like walking through murky water. I hated the stares I had on my back; I could hear whispers about being Sirius’ younger brother. The hat wasn’t as quick to call out where I’d be placed, pondering whether Slytherin or Ravenclaw was better for me. I told it all Blacks were supposed to be Slytherin.
‘Not all’, it said, referring to my brother, but I told it that it was a fool. It called out Slytherin. Sirius hesitantly clapped while only my new housemates cheered for me. I smiled weakly at him and he returned it. I wanted to go home, badly, wanted to take him with me.
The year went agonizingly slow. Mother was pleased I’d been sorted into Slytherin and I became friend with one boy called Barty. He was okay, but would be mean to Severus along with others I'd managed to stick around with. The other Slytherins didn’t like his friend, Lily. I knew why, but at the same time, she was hard to dislike. She was sweet and would help any student out. But she had a fierce side too, when Potter, Sirius, and the other two, Remus and Peter bullied him. I told Sirius he was being mean and our parents wouldn’t approve but he said he didn’t care and that Severus deserved it.
“Why?” I asked. His reply was shocking.
“Because he’s a filthy Slytherin”, he said and I wanted to shoot a spell at him.
“What about me?” I asked, fear in my voice.
“You’re my brother, I know you’re good,” Sirius said, placing a hand on my head and smiling. I moved away from him and ran. Sirius and his friends didn’t stop harassing Severus or others, though they never did get me involved. I supposed I was on a ‘Don’t touch’ list, but it didn’t bring me any relief. When break came, I was thrilled, Sirius and I would act as if what happened at school didn’t exist. It was easier that way. I didn’t like who he was back there.
I felt... a drift though. It started with the separate houses, but the years passed by and we didn’t like each others friends, didn’t agree on things that our parents said. I felt the bond slowly whittled away. But then came my fourth year and something shifted further, whether in or out of place, I was not able to tell.
Our parents had gone out for dinner, left us to tend to ourselves. Meanwhile, Sirius was stuck in his room and I snuck in. He was on his bed, pants lowered down, cock out and he was playing with it. I knew boys did that, masturbated. I’d heard others talk about it in the dorms, heard noises from those who forgot to use a silencing charm. My mouth went dry as I kept looking, I wanted to speak but he seemed too zoned out to notice me.
I turned and slammed the door close rather loudly, hearing Sirius yelp behind me. I ran to my room and locked it. I felt flushed and jittery. I’d never found interest in others, no girl called out to me and neither did any boys. Except for Sirius. I’d often stare at him and think about how perfect he was. Even others exclaimed the same: he was bright star, suiting his name, but I was duller in every way. But I wanted his light, not to steal it, but be by it. Be by him.
I heard my door be pried open. Sirius always knew how to outdo my charms. He asked what I saw and I told him, even going as far as to confess that I wanted to see more. He was confused and asked what I meant. I told him I was curious and never liked others but him. He beamed at me and that day we explored each others bodies in ways I knew only true lovers should. But I did love him, so much. I smiled when it was over, face on his chest. I knew Sirius would never share this with Potter. This was between us and only us. He kissed me on the lips, slowly and passionately.
“You are mine, my little Regulus, okay? Now and always,” he told me before stealing a kiss and leaving, knowing our parents were bound to return soon. When we returned to Hogwarts, we took every chance to steal more intimate touches and kisses. I would wonder how he was so good at finding me, like he could sniff me out as a cat can a mouse. His friends didn’t suspect anything, in fact most students treated Sirius as a playboy of sorts, a Dorian Gray type, from what Severus told me once. Part of me hated the thought of someone else in his arms, but he assured me that it was just gossip. Girls loved to tell tales of his supposed conquests.
When Severus and Lily’s friendship ended, I had a fight with Sirius in private. It was his fault, his and James’, that Severus barely ate and was sullen. He hadn’t meant to call her ‘Mudblood’, Severus didn’t have that type of view, even if he pretended to so our house mates didn’t bully him. I knew she was one, but I didn’t like to use that word directed at her since Severus cared for his friend. Severus had explained the situation to me and I was infuriated. How could you show someone else’s undergarments like that? It was sexual harassment and I told Sirius this much. He laughed it off and tried to kiss me but i had shoved him away. He said I was acting like a prat, saying that Severus and others were evil and would join you know who.
I knew who he meant, I sadly did. Most Slytherins whispered his name and even Mother had alluded to him once. A man with a mission to get rid of muggles and muggleborns. To bring back blood purity. I even knew Bellatrix and her husband spoke highly of him and his group of ‘Death eaters’. I told Sirius to stop his bullying of Severus and others, and he asked me to spend less time with ‘future Death eaters’. We didn’t try to seek each other out for awhile but eventually we set aside anger. In fact, he was sweeter than ever, always waxing poetry to em, giving me gifts. I thought it was because he knew he had truly upset me with his behaviour.
When summer came, he left, running off to Potter and leaving only a note of ‘I can’t live with this family, I am not going to follow them or
him.
Please forgive me, Reggie, I still love you.’ That was when I knew he’d only been sugar coating my heart so that when he plunged the knife into it, I’d barely feel the pain. He left our family, he left me! Father said I couldn’t mourn a blood traitor, only pity them, while Mother cursed his name every hour. I rarely left my room or spoke to anyone, aside from Kreacher who had always been kind to me. Father started to teach me what was my duty as the new heir. It felt wrong, I was a child taking the place of another child who couldn’t pretend anymore. But I could, I’d have to. And with that came the talk of joining the rise of the new Dark Lord.
When school began once more, I didn’t expect Sirius to still want to be with me. But he said what he’d said to me a million times before. That I was his, that I was good, and that he’d never stop loving me. I broke down and told him he was a liar. He asked if I could join him, leave behind our family.
“I can’t, you left and now the duty of upholding our family name is on me. I can’t. I’m not you, i have to obey. I have to bring honour, I have to be the son they need,” I said and I could feel his rage when he asked if I planned on joining the Dark Lord.
“If Father and Mother say I must, then I shall,” I said, and I saw tears in his eyes.
And with those words, our relationship truly began to crumble. He told me he couldn’t be with me if I joined. We stopped sneaking to find comfort and love with one another. My Slytherin housemates kept going on about joining the ranks of the Dark Lord, said that my cousin joined with her husband and that Narcissa’s husband, Lucius Malfoy, had joined as well. I didn’t say much, didn’t vocalize my opinion, as it was best to keep those sort of things private. I had to play the part of the perfect, Slytherin, the perfect pureblood heir.
And only when I finished Hogwarts and held back screams, biting my inner cheeks until blood flooded my mouth, being branded with the mark of death did I realize that I had never answered Sirius’ question about why I felt I had to be all these things. Not that I knew the answer myself, too cowardly to ponder such things, unlike my brave brother who said he loved me, would no matter what. I would wonder if he loved me knowing that I took part in the shedding of blood. But he did this, by leaving me, putting our family legacy all on my shoulders.
I met Sirius once more, in the middle of the war, in Knockturn Alley. We shared a hateful yet equally passionate embrace, and by the end of it I was left bruised and scratched. He didn’t leave unscathed either though, but both of us felt bliss in the end. We hadn’t been intimate like that in so long, it broke my heart. I craved his touch every night, and he had whispered that the sentiment was shared, that no one could replace me. I laughed, thinking Potter had, long ago, but I refrained from saying it out loud while he just smiled sweetly at me.
I wanted to enjoy our final moment. I didn’t know it truly would be the last time I saw him though. It all came crashing down when he saw the mark on my forearm and his eyes went from warmth to icy disdain. He said we could have had more of this if I had listened, if I truly loved him.
But the smile he gave me that night when we left each other once again (even if it would be ruined with a sneer when he saw the mark), knowing that the next time we’d see each other it would be a face off of Light against Dark? That smile would be the last thing I'd think of when death took me in. Having finally gathered my courage and betrayed the Dark lord in my own way, after having told Kreacher to hide a locket that gave him immortality in a cave. When I entered it, Kreacher by my side, I knew I’d never leave. I was proven correct my the end, being dragged by inferi to the depths of darkness.
But his smile was my light and I knew it’d be okay. He’d gone down a path I couldn't follow and I’d gone down one he couldn't either. But he loved me and I loved him, and he was the reason I gathered my strength. And maybe he’d be proud of me again in death, the way he used to be earlier in life.