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Lucas watches as Eliott takes a drink from the cup in his hand, long neck arching back, adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows. He’s trying, he really is, not to notice these things. To push them down and forget. Eliott is his friend - his best friend - save Yann, and he can’t risk losing him no matter what his heart tries to tell him.
Normally, he does okay. Does he notice a little more every time Eliott touches him on his arm or pulls him in for a hug? Maybe. Does the breath catch in his throat every time Eliott says his name? It’s possible. But normally he can convince himself long enough that it’s a passing fascination, nothing more. Hell, he’d even had a crush on Yann once. (But not like this.)
But now Lucas is at a party and there’s a chance he’s had a drink or two and then all that carefully practiced self control and regulation melts away as the alcohol takes effect. His vision blurs, he feels far away and Eliott lights up in an angelic glow.
He’s hidden himself in the kitchen, leaning gently against the counter nursing the beer in his hand while he watches Eliott. It could be considered creepy but Lucas doesn’t care. Everyone here is too drunk to notice. Eliott is across the room, laughing with a few people from his class, his eyes lighting up with bright fire turning them from gray to green to blue and Lucas is mesmerized.
But Eliott doesn’t notice. He never does. Lucas knows that if Eliott felt the same he should have noticed by now how much Lucas craves to be around him, how much better he feels when Eliott is near. But he doesn’t.
Eliott looks up then, meeting Lucas’ eyes and catching him in his private moment. Lucas smiles quickly at him before turning his head to hide his blush. He’d have to take a break from looking at Eliott for now if he didn’t want to be extremely obvious.
Lucas feels a sharp tap on his shoulder and he whirls around to find Yann looking at him, eyebrows raised.
“Enjoying the view?” he teases, nodding in Eliott’s direction.
“Shut up,” Lucas says feeling his blush deepen.
He’d told Yann about his feelings for Eliott a few months ago after a particularly alcohol-heavy night when some girl from Eliott’s class had been hanging all over him and Eliott hadn’t exactly pushed her off. It was all too much for Lucas to keep inside. Yann had been surprisingly sympathetic and helpful and Lucas felt better knowing he didn’t have to hide it from everyone. But Yann took privileges when he could - like now - to tease Lucas whenever he looked particularly lovesick.
“Still bad huh?” Yann asks, his face softening into its worry lines.
“It’s okay,” Lucas says. “Eventually I’ll get over it.”
“Right.” Yann smirks at him but there’s also a little concern there hidden behind his eyes. It flashes for a moment, just a moment, but Lucas catches it. Despite his generally carefree demeanor, Yann has always been able to read Lucas better than almost anyone. And he can tell this is weighing on Lucas’ heart. “Just be careful, yeah?”
Lucas rolls his eyes, but his heart warms. He loves that Yann is always looking out for him. He glances over in Eliott’s direction and catches him running his hand through his hair, disheveling the mess even further. And if Lucas’ breath catches in his throat at the sight of that, he can’t help it.
Basile and Arthur come up then and try to pull them out into the crowd, but Lucas doesn’t really feel like having a bunch of sweaty drunk people around him right now. They pull at him, laughing, drunker than he is, but he manages to stand his ground.
“I’ll find you guys in a bit,” he says, resuming his position against the counter in the kitchen.
The other boys finally give up and make their way into the crowd. Lucas takes another sip of his beer and looks up to find Eliott, content to spend some more time allowing himself to indulge in his love, just a bit. Watching Eliott, allowing his heart to feel what it wants is a bit like drinking, Lucas thinks. It’s fun in the moment, but like the hangover that’s sure to come, it’ll lead to nothing but hurt when he wakes up.
But when Lucas looks up Eliott is gone. And, apparently, nowhere to be found. Lucas feels his heart drop to his stomach at the thought that Eliott could, maybe, be with someone. It would make sense, after all. Eliott is an attractive guy with a good personality. The best person Lucas has ever met. At the thought of someone else’s hands on Eliott, Lucas thinks he might be sick.
“Lucas!” The shout breaks him out of his thoughts and he whips around to find Arthur running up to him. “We need your help dude.”
“What’s wrong?” Lucas asks, confused.
“It’s Eliott,” Arthur says, motioning to Lucas to follow him.
“Eliott?” Lucas feels slight panic rising at the thought. It must show on his face because Arthur takes one look at him and laughs.
“Lucas calm down, he’s just getting sick in the bathroom.”
Lucas does calm down and honestly, he’s slightly smug that Arthur came to find him about it, about Eliott. But he doesn’t want Arthur to know that. “Why do you need me?”
Arthur rolls his eyes. “You know he always asks for you when he’s not feeling well. I had to leave Yann alone in there with him just to make sure he didn’t fall over and hit his head. And Lucas? It’s not a pretty sight. You’re his best friend right? You get to deal with that.”
Best friend. Best friend , Lucas thinks. That’s all he’ll ever be.
A few days later he’s sitting in Yann’s and his apartment, watching some movie Yann had put on. After the party (and the helping Eliott home, and the making sure Eliott was safe in his bed and the hoping that Eliott might ask him to stay – but he didn’t, he never did), Yann had asked Lucas to hang out, just the two of them. It had been so long since they’d done that and Lucas is grateful to have some time with his best friend – the one he’s not in love with.
He’s hoping to have an Eliott-free afternoon, to just focus on the movie and then maybe order some food or play some video games. Lucas needs to relax. He needs to stop obsessing and making himself upset. But Yann, apparently, has other ideas.
“Hey Lulu?” Yann says softly.
“Yeah?”
“How’s the uh...the Eliott situation going?” Lucas looks over at Yann and finds him still looking at the TV, pretending to watch the movie. But Lucas knows he’s not.
“The same,” Lucas says. Because what else is there to say? He’s still in love with Eliott and Eliott is still not in love with him. And he was in love with Eliott yesterday and he feels, with absolute certainty, that he’ll be in love with Eliott tomorrow. So really, that’s all he knows.
“Hm,” Yann says and Lucas can tell he’s preparing to say something else. He’s searching for the words though and Lucas is ready to hear something about how it’s time for Lucas to try and move on or maybe find a guy that actually likes him back. He is not prepared, though, for what actually comes out of Yann’s mouth.
“Have you ever thought about, I dunno, telling Eliott how you feel?”
Lucas nearly chokes on his drink.
“What?” Lucas is incredulous, staring at Yann who has finally turned to meet his gaze. Lucas shakes his head and keeps shaking his head, imagining all the horrible scenarios that involve him opening his mouth and his heart only to be met with gentle rejection. “No, absolutely not.”
Yann opens his mouth to say something, but thinking better of it, closes it again. They sit in silence for a minute and Lucas feels his heart beating fast, his body shooting through with adrenaline just at the thought of saying those words to Eliott. Finally Yann speaks.
“It’s just that–” He pauses. “Are you absolutely sure that Eliott doesn’t feel the same?”
Lucas’ mouth falls open and he can’t help but stare at Yann. He wonders if Yann has been hit in the head recently or is somehow more delusional than Lucas is himself about the whole situation.
“Yes I’m sure,” Lucas says. “I think I would know by now if Eliott, the boy I’m in love with, had feelings for me too.”
“But have you ever asked him?”
“No.”
“Then how do you know? For sure, I mean.”
Lucas appreciates what Yann is trying to do. He really does. That was one of his favorite things about Yann, how supportive he always was about everything. Besides Eliott, and maybe Manon, Yann was the only person he could always go to about anything. Or if he just needed someone to be around. But this is too much.
“He doesn’t love me,” Lucas says firmly. “Now can we please just drop it?”
And, to his credit, Yann does. They turn back to their movie and their conversation drifts to how Basile has managed to be an idiot again or that girl Yann likes in the year below them. But Yann has awoken the thought in Lucas’ mind. And when Lucas lies in bed that night, when his self-control is overcome by his fatigue, Lucas falls asleep to a simple melody – what if, what if, what if .
At the end of the week, Lucas finally finds himself on his way to see Eliott. Even though he’s reassured Eliott a thousand times he’s not avoiding him, he was, in fact, avoiding him. It’s not anything to do with Eliott (or really, it has everything to do with Eliott but not in anyway that Eliott can help), but ever since his conversation with Yann, Lucas had felt like he needed some space. Or he might say something he’d regret.
But it’s Friday and Eliott knows that Lucas has no plans and Lucas has run out of convenient excuses that won’t hurt Eliott’s feelings. It’s time to break out of his self-pity. He’s friends with Eliott after all, and plans to be for a long time. He has to learn to live with his feelings. So that evening he finds himself on a bus, on his way to Eliott’s apartment with promises of a chill evening full of beer and music.
When Eliott opens the door, Lucas is almost immediately enveloped in a tight hug. Eliott’s arms light fire across his back as he presses their bodies together. Lucas can’t help but inhale deeply, his face in Eliott’s neck, the scent of cigarettes and Eliott’s shampoo overwhelming him. All too quickly it’s over and Eliott pulls away, looking down at Lucas with a bright smile.
“I missed you,” he says and Lucas’ heart makes itself known. “Haven’t seen you since last weekend.”
“How are you feeling?” Lucas laughs, poking fun at the fact that Eliott had been so hungover the weekend before he could barely move either day.
“Much better,” Eliott says, smiling sheepishly. “Thanks for your help.”
“Anytime,” Lucas says. And he knows he means it.
They make their way over to Eliott’s living room and Eliott nods towards the shelves of records in the corner.
“Pick something,” he says. “It’s your turn. Want a beer?”
“Sure.” Lucas walks over to the records and thumbs through them gently, pulling out one that he knows both of them like and moving over to the record player. Eliott walks back into the room and hands him a beer before they both collapse on the couch.
“How was your week?” Lucas asks him as the music plays faintly in the corner.
“Fine.” Eliott smirks. “Would have been better if I heard from you more.”
Lucas rolls his eyes but his heart is singing. “Oh stop whining. I was busy.”
It’s Eliott’s turn to roll his eyes. “With what? You’re normally not too busy for me.”
Busy trying not to be in love with you , Lucas thinks.
“You know, school, the usual. I went and saw my mom.”
“Oh? How is she?” Eliott has gone serious, his eyes searching Lucas’ face and he scoots closer to him on the couch. Lucas tries not to notice.
“She’s good. Better, even.”
A wide smile breaks over Eliott’s face. “That’s amazing Lucas,” he says and Lucas knows he truly means it. Eliott is the only one who knows everything that happened with his family. He was actually the reason Lucas had reached out to his mom again the first place. And Lucas is forever grateful for that.
“She asked about you, you know.”
“Oh yeah? What did you tell her?”
“That you’re an idiot.” Eliott laughs then, shaking his head and then Lucas is laughing too. Eliott reaches out and shoves Lucas’ shoulder.
“Asshole,” he whispers and settles in closer to Lucas, bringing his head down to rest on Lucas’ shoulder. Lucas feels a shudder run through his body and he has to fight the urge to push Eliott off or grab his face and kiss him. Neither of which would be normal “best friend” behavior. So Lucas stays put, revelling in Eliott’s weight against him.
They sit there for a while, listening as the record plays mellowing the dusk into evening. The sky fades from pink to indigo to black and stars appear breaking up the darkness. Lucas has always wondered how he’d managed to find someone he’s so comfortable around. Eliott is comfortable. They can sit in silence and not feel strange, not feel the need to fill the space with useless words that mean nothing.
But Eliott is also fire. He lights up every part of Lucas, making him think differently and feel differently. Before Eliott, the world seemed dull and gray and disappointing. Eliott brought the color back. And Lucas had realized the world had always been a beautiful place, but Eliott had taught him to see it.
Lucas shifts to lay his head on the back on the couch and Eliott mirrors him. They’re sitting close, Lucas feeling the warmth of Eliott’s thigh touching his own. He looks up at the ceiling, knowing that if he looks at Eliott, the words that have been threatening to bubble over since the night started will come tumbling out. And he’s not sure Eliott wants to catch them.
“Do you want to watch something?” Eliott asks softly, breaking the silence. Lucas can feel him shifting next to him, reaching for the remote. Lucas nods sharply.
“No?” Eliott reaches out and touches Lucas’ hand, grounding him there, in Eliott’s living room. “You okay?”
It’s the breaking point. Lucas has run out of air and the only way to get it back is to just let go, to hell with consequences. He sits up abruptly, looking at Eliott, meeting his eyes.
“I love you,” Lucas says, simply, softly. Because that’s all there is to say. He waits.
“Yeah, I love you too Lucas,” Eliott replies and he’s not getting it, his stupid beloved idiot boy.
“No, I mean, I love you.” Lucas holds his breath.
Eliott’s face contorts and crumples slightly and oh, that is decidedly not the reaction Lucas was hoping for. He reaches out to touch Eliott, grab his hand, brush his fingers over his arm but Eliott pulls back.
“That’s not funny, Lucas.”
“What?” Lucas is still looking at Eliott, confused by the hurt expression on his face. He’d get it if Eliott didn’t love him back, or didn’t want to be around him right now as they figured out how to move past this and continue their friendship, but Lucas didn’t ever think confessing his love would hurt Eliott’s feelings.
“You talked to Yann I assume,” Eliott says as if it’s an explanation but Lucas is still not understanding. Of course he’s talked to Yann. They’re friends.
“Well yeah.” Lucas shifts awkwardly on the couch wondering if Eliott is trying to figure out how many people know so that he knows how awkward it’s going to be now that he’s fully rejected Lucas and all his hope is gone. Lucas feels pain grip his chest and he’s torn between wanting to cry and wanting to know what’s going through Eliott’s head.
“God, he promised not to say anything.” Eliott looks small, curled up in the corner of the couch, putting his face in his hands. Lucas doesn’t know what he means. Yann promised Eliott not to say anything about what?
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb Lucas, I told you it’s not funny.”
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No? You’re not talking about me getting super drunk last week and crying in the bathroom to Yann about how in love with you I am?”
And oh, that is not what Lucas was expecting to hear. Eliott stands up from the couch and walks across the room, wiping his cheek and hiding his face. Lucas hears his pulse beating in his ears, deafening and bringing the room into sharp focus. Eliott’s words are echoing in his ear. In love. Eliott said he was in love with him.
He stands suddenly, realizing they’ve been having two entirely separate conversations for the past few minutes.
“I didn’t know,” Lucas says, his voice strained. “He didn’t tell me that.”
Eliott whirls around. It’s his turn to be surprised. “What?”
“I didn’t know. When you asked if I talked to Yann I said yes because I have been talking to him, for months , I might add, about how I’m in love with you .”
And then it’s finally out there, lingering in the air. His love clear and strong and brave, because now Lucas knows Eliott loves him too.
“It’s not a joke?” Eliott stands slightly dazed as if he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.
“It’s not a joke.”
Eliott crosses the room in two seconds flat, coming so close to Lucas he can barely breathe. But Lucas doesn’t care. It’s what he’s been dreaming about for months. Eliott brings his hands up to grasp Lucas’ face, his thumbs brushing gently over Lucas’ cheeks, looking him over like they’re seeing each other for the first time. And maybe they are, because now they’re seeing each other without pretending, without the false pretenses that have encircled their interactions before. The delicate dance of not letting the other person onto your game for fear of recognition and then rejection. That fear was gone.
“Can I kiss you?” Eliott murmurs and their lips are so close that when Lucas nods they almost touch.
“Please.”
Their lips meet and they melt into each other with the kind of fervor that only extended denial brings. Lucas clutches Eliott’s waist, bringing him closer, and Eliott brings his hands back to tangle in Lucas’ hair. It starts soft and slow at first, but it’s not enough, not enough, and they cling to each other, sparks dancing between their lips, their tongues. Lucas thinks he’ll never have enough of Eliott but now he can have him the way he wants.
Eliott pulls back first and Lucas hears himself whine, chasing after Eliott’s lips. Eliott lets out a gentle laugh and brings their foreheads together, breathing heavily.
“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he says, pulling Lucas in for another chaste kiss. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
Eliott is looking at him with a kind of gentle awe that makes Lucas’ knees go weak and he’s just about to lean in when Eliott starts giggling.
“What’s so funny?”
“I just thought about poor Yann and what we just put him through.” Eliott is fully laughing now and Lucas can’t help but join in. It’s funny, that Yann knew they were in love with each other before they did. “He probably thinks we’re the biggest idiots ever.”
“He definitely does, though to be fair I think he thought that before,” Lucas says and then he thinks about Yann’s gentle shove in Eliott’s direction earlier that week. He’d been trying to give Lucas a hint, in the most obvious way possible, and Lucas hadn’t understood. He could imagine how exasperated Yann had been after Lucas had shut the conversation down. “He told me to tell you how I felt, you know, after you talked.”
Eliott laughs, “Oh so it was Yann who gave you courage then.” He runs his fingers over Lucas’ cheek. “Remind me to thank him.”
Lucas pulls Eliott to him again and they get lost in each other, learning the new parts of themselves that had been hidden even in their familiarity. The strong press of Eliott’s lips against his own, the weight of Eliott lying next to him, the warmth of Eliott’s arms around his waist as they fall asleep – all markers on the new path they chart ahead of them, together.
And the next morning as they stumble, hand in hand and giggling, through Lucas’ door, Lucas allows himself to breathe. To recognize it all isn’t just a dream, it all isn’t going to fade away. Eliott is there, and his warmth and his light are real and just for him.
As they round the corner to the kitchen, they’re met with a startled Yann who looks up from his coffee cup and immediately notices their interlaced fingers. A smile stretches across his face and Lucas thinks it could match the ones he and Eliott have been wearing since the night before.
“So you talked then,” Yann says, shaking his head and grinning. He grabs his coffee cup and makes his way toward his room, muttering under his breath. “Idiots.”
“We talked,” Lucas calls after him and feels Eliott’s hand in his own and his vibrant, soaring heart. Talked, and laughed, and kissed, and loved.