Chapter Text
"That may be the stupidest thing you've ever said."
"Or, or is it the smartest idea anyone in the Resistance has had?" Finn raised his eyebrows, poking his fork in Rey’s face.
"How is it a smart idea?!" Rey shot back, her face incredulous.
"It would be the fastest way to get a lot of credits, and we can take 'em from people who are basically just throwing their money away anyways," Finn said, shrugging. "I think it's a win-win situation for everyone."
Poe stared at his cup of water, barely registering the argument between his two friends. His mind was galaxies away, replaying moments from the Raddus through his head. Images of an unconscious Leia, Holdo's steely gaze, a blaster in his hand, and Connix's worried face flashed quickly in his mind. He shut his eyes, as if that would put a stop to the memories or the returning anxiety that had first manifested on that long, weary day. A sweeping rush of guilt and shame followed, a potent cocktail of feelings he was all too familiar with nowadays.
As Finn and Rey continued to bicker, seemingly unaware of how quiet he had become, Poe slipped the two small daelfruits remaining from his tray into his pocket and rose from the table. "I've gotta go look at some charts the General wanted me to study."
"Poe,” Finn turned to him, gesturing towards the Jedi. “Tell Rey that I'm--"
"You are never going back to Canto Bight. Ever," he said, pointing a finger in Finn’s face. He didn’t try to disguise the sternness in his voice and hoped Finn would think he was playing along with his terrible joke of an idea.
"I wasn't talking about me, I was just saying someone should go and rob it!" Finn’s eyes were wide, playing the innocent.
Poe shook his head, breathing deep. "I've got charts to look at it.”
Finn nodded his head, but Rey looked at him quizzically. "Poe, are you---"
"See you later, Poe," Finn cut in, causing Rey to glare at him.
"See you later, buddy." Poe nodded towards Rey. "Later, Jedi girl."
He rushed out of the mess hall, shoving his tray into the hands of a service droid at the door, and started quickly down the hallway. He needed to get away, now.
Poe headed towards his quarters, then almost immediately turned around. Snap, Jessika, and Finn were always coming and going from his room and he didn't want to see anybody right now. He turned down the hallway heading towards the hangar, thinking about how easy it would be to just take a ship, leave this kriffing planet, and circle the upper atmosphere for an hour or so. No one would question him. Except for Leia, he thought, his footsteps slowing. Leia would ask him what prompted such a joyride and he'd be forced to lie or tell the truth. Neither option was one he could handle.
His breathing quickened, and he could feel the panic start to rise. Without quite knowing how he got there, he pushed on one of the doors leading to the outside and practically gasped in the fresh air. They hadn’t exactly been confined to the indoors, but Poe had been so busy with meetings, briefings, and the occasional mission, he hadn't had much downtime since they'd made base on the small planet. Turning, Poe looked at the groups of people gathered outside; some eating, some talking, a few playing a game of sabacc on storage crates. There were still too many eyes out here.
Looking out in the distance, Poe noticed a pathway through the tall grass, heading up one of the hills the base was situated between. He took a deep breath, drew his head towards his chest, and headed straight for the path, walking as if he knew exactly where he was going.
A few large, dark clouds had gathered in the sky, and the two small suns were beginning to lower beneath them. Poe didn’t pay any attention to the clouds, the sky, the trees, or anything else on his hike up the hill. He simply followed the path and didn’t think about anything else but finding where it ended.
After several minutes and twists and turns, the path dumped him out into a small, sloped clearing. Poe hadn't realized how green and full of life the planet was. He could hear the songs of some form of bird, and the chittering of small creatures. At least he hoped they were creatures and not bugs. He wasn't sure he wanted to deal with any insects large enough to make that kind of racket. He picked a tree to the right of the path and sat down, leaning his back against its smooth trunk.
Poe sat for several minutes, watching the suns sink further behind the trees, when he realized that if he really was at the hill summit, he should have a better view of the base and surrounding hills. He stood up, turned around, looking at the tops of the trees behind him, and sure enough, they continued to get bigger the further back he could see.
It was then he noticed large rocks, in an almost perfect line, leading up into the trees, as if pointing to the true hill summit. He decided to follow them, and when he got closer, it looked as if they had been recently placed here. He lengthened his strides, hurrying, for what reason he wasn't sure. Suddenly, he had broken free of the trees, and the horizon opened up before him. There was the base to his right, actually much closer than he had thought, and more hills stretching out to his left. There were three tree stumps in the middle of the clearing. He walked towards them, sat down, and used one of the stumps as a backrest.
He took in the view he’d gone searching for. The suns were sinking into the horizon, turning the storm clouds a deep navy blue and brushing the hilltops with an orange glow. Poe closed his eyes, and took a deep breath; he could smell the rain coming. It reminded him of Yavin 4, and the summer storms, but there was an edge to the air here that was absent back home. He opened his eyes, pulling one of the daelfruits from his pocket, and began to peel the tough outer rind. He felt a bit calmer, alone at last and quiet with his thoughts, and slowly ate the peeled fruit.
Of course, the problem now was that he was alone with his thoughts. Shaking his head, he thought back to the moment when Finn had said those two words---”Canto Bight”---and set him off.
Poe thought he'd been getting better. He told Leia he was doing better. He didn't need to see anyone to talk about it. He was learning from his mistakes, and moving on. Isn't that what she wanted? It was what she wanted to hear and what he desperately wanted to be true. Yet, here he was, weeks later, barely sleeping, spiraling down the moment someone brought up those awful hours.
He pulled the second piece of fruit from his pocket, giving it a small squeeze. He had learned and changed from that day. Remember when he ordered everyone to fall back on Crait? That was learning. Yeah, but if you hadn't sent Finn and Rose off on that insane mission...
He shook his head. This was the circle he came to, every time. If he hadn't ignored orders and taken down the Dreadnought, the Resistance would've been wiped out. He had no way of knowing that at the time, but it was true.
But what was also true was the fact that if he hadn't agreed to help Finn and Rose, the First Order wouldn't have known about Holdo's decoy and transport plan. Even if everything else had gone the way it did that day---including his absurd mutiny---if Canto Bight hadn't happened, they would've all safely escaped to Crait. No matter which way he turned it, he couldn't escape the fact that most of their ships, their people, Admiral Holdo---they were dead because of him.
There was a loud crack of thunder, and Poe threw the fruit away in a rage, screaming, expelling the pent up anger that had been building since dinner. Rain began to fall, gently at first, and Poe laughed, because of course it would rain the one time he decided to venture outside. He waited a few more seconds, until his hair and clothes were thoroughly wet, then slowly got to his feet, and made his way back to base. Someone would be needing him shortly, and he didn't feel like meeting them soaked to the bone.
"Later, Jedi girl."
Rey rolled her eyes and watched Poe walk out of the mess hall. "Was he upset?" Rey asked Finn.
"At who?"
"I don't know. Just, upset in general."
"Nah, I think he's just tired of us arguing."
"Maybe. It's just," Rey hesitated, wondering if she could find the words and if she wanted to share them. "It's just, sometimes, I can sense...things. Through the Force."
Finn tilted his head to one side. "You mean like, feel someone coming into the room before they do?"
Rey shook her head. "No---well I mean yes, I can sense that, but I'm talking more about a sense of...of feelings. From others."
Finn's eyebrows shot up. "Like me?"
"Sometimes."
"What am I feeling right now?" Finn asked, leaning towards her.
"Like you're trying to hide how foolish you feel for mentioning Canto Bight around Poe," she said.
"That wasn't what I was feeling at all!" Finn laughed.
Rey glared at him as she grabbed her tray and stood up.
"Oh," his face fell. "Do you really, hmmm, do you really think that made him upset?"
"I don't know, Finn. Like I said, it's just a feeling,” she said, shrugging. "You know him better than I do."
"Yeah,” his brow was furrowed now.
“I might be right. I might be wrong. I’m still not---it’s hard.” Finn wasn’t looking at her now, and she wasn’t sure what else to say, but she was tired of standing still. “I should go read. See you later."
"Later, Rey."
She left, deposited her tray at the rinsing station, and headed towards her quarters.
An hour into reading her books, Rey was beginning to go cross-eyed. She could not stand being in her quarters for another minute. Grabbing her cloak, she made for the nearest exit outside.
Rey was still getting used to base life; being around more people, the same people at that, day after day, with most of that time spent indoors. She had never considered how wonderful fresh air was until she had spent weeks breathing the recycled air on the Falcon. But since they had made base on the planet, she tried to slip away to the outside at least once a day, wandering further out to the trees and hills when she could.
There was a particular place, about 15 minutes away, where she went if she really wanted to be alone. She'd been making the trek there for two weeks now and had started referring to it as her spot in her head. Finn had not followed her out there---yet---so it was still a quiet, safe place to watch the suns rise or set. It might even make for a decent place to watch the stars one night.
Opening the door to the outside, Rey was met with a wall of rain. Tonight would not be good for stargazing after all, but she wasn't going to let a little water get in the way of her outdoor alone time. She pulled the hood of her cloak over her head, gripping it close around her shoulders, and headed towards the path that would take her to her spot.
As she walked away from the base, she passed a soaking Poe, giving her a look as if she was crazy for venturing outside. Rey didn't understand why everyone was so obsessed with staying dry when the rains came. Didn’t they know how precious water was? Poe had previously tried to explain to her that other planets---planets that were not Jakku---had rain frequently, sometimes too much, and so some beings grew up used to it. Rey wasn't sure she would ever get used the precious drops that fell on her face, washing every remembrance of sand away.
She finally arrived at her spot, breaking free of the trees that had been shielding her from the worst of the downpour. She walked to the clump of felled stumps where she usually sat and lowered herself down, legs crossed. Rey smiled, then stuck out her tongue to catch a few raindrops. Her clothes were wet, but not entirely soaked, thanks in part to her heavy cloak. The rain was beginning to let up, making it easier to see her surroundings, which was when she noticed something unusual on the ground in front of her.
Rey got up and went to inspect a bit of brown that stood out against the green grass. It was the peel from what looked like a daelfruit, which they’d been putting out in the galley to eat this week. She turned, looking around for another person, but she couldn't see or sense another member of the Resistance nearby.
So. Someone had found her spot.
I mean, that was fine. It wasn't that well hidden. She'd been wearing a deeper path into the foliage with every trip she'd made out here. And then she had gone and moved those rocks in a line straight up to the clearing one day when she was bored. Someone was bound to find her spot sooner or later. It didn't actually belong to her. She could share.
Her shoulders drooped. She didn't want to share. She wanted a place where no one would stare at her, questions in their eyes that they would never dare ask aloud. She needed a place to think about Luke and Kylo Ren, away from Leia. She wanted a place to think about her place among her new friends.
She rubbed the peel between her fingers, gazing into the distance. Well, the chances of her actually running into another being out here at the same exact moment were still very low, she thought. And who was to say they hadn't been coming out here long before she had discovered this spot?
The rain was barely falling now. She pushed back her hood, enjoying the patter of moisture on her forehead. Wandering back to the tree stump, she took up her seat again, and lifted her head to the sky, smiling. Right then and there she decided she would never tire of the rain. No matter what planet she was on, no matter how long it rained, she would never take it for granted or get annoyed by it.
Tearing the peel into two pieces, she worked the bits with her hands as she thought back to the day, and the moments she wanted to ruminate over and dissect. Rose laughing at a joke Rey had made as they worked on a project together. Rose laughed easily and often, but Rey was still getting used to being around people who actually laughed at her jokes. It was probably her most favorite feeling, making her new friends laugh.
She closed her eyes, recalling her quiet meeting with Leia. Once a week since Crait, they had met in Leia's quarters, and Rey would reach out with the Force to make sure the bond between her and Kylor Ren was still closed. She had worried she might open it up again in the testing and trying, which is why she only ever sought him out in the presence of Leia. So far, it had been quiet; gone, or at the very least, still closed. She hoped to the Force the connection was severed forever, but it was a worry that kept her awake at night.
Today, the meeting had gone as it had in the weeks previous: Leia sat next to her, calm and warm, as Rey reached out, past Leia, past the trees and creatures, towards the sky and into the stars, seeking out that crackling signature. Sometimes they sat for only a few minutes, sometimes it was for half the day. Today, Leia had stopped her after an hour and declared that they needed a drink.
Rey opened her eyes, a ghost of a smile playing at her mouth. She wondered who else Leia shared drinks with. Commander D'Acy, of course. Connix seemed like a safe assumption as well. Poe, obviously.
Poe.
Rey bit her lip, remembering how he had left the mess hall that night. She didn't like seeing any of her friends upset, but seeing Poe so serious, his Force signature darkening in real-time before her---it was unsettling. Poe was warm and full of flight, but tonight, in an instant, it was as if a curtain had been drawn around him and the temperature dropped.
Finn had told Rey all about Canto Bight: the mission, the place itself, and what he had learned from his brief time there. Rose had recounted her version of the events one afternoon as they worked on the Falcon together, filling in key components to the story. But tonight realized that there was even more to the mission than she first thought. There must have been for Poe to react like that.
Rey continued to chew her lip, wondering about Poe, when she startled, realizing she had unknowingly been reaching out for his signature and had found it back at the base. She continued to hold his signature as if she was cradling it between her hands. The curtain was still there, drawn over him. Slowly, she reached out, purposefully looking for Finn and Rose now. She found them quickly, close together, contentment brushing up between them. Rey smiled. She wasn't sure if this was allowed, or if this was eavesdropping, but she liked knowing that Finn and Rose were together and were okay. She let them go, holding on to Poe for a few more seconds, turning the feeling of him around in her head like she was looking for the fabric to pull back and release the strong, warm light back to where it belonged. But it wasn't a thing she could fix, so she let it go.
Rey closed her eyes, and turned the prodding on herself, searching the myriad of feelings flowing through her, trying to find a balance between them all.
Rey continued to make the trek to her spot on the hill once a day for the next two weeks. She usually made it there mid-morning and returned before lunch; occasionally, she waited until evening to watch the suns set. After the daelfruit peel, she continued to see indications that she was not, in fact, the only person who frequented this spot on the hill. There were the various fruit pits and peels scattered around the tree stumps; a water bottle that had appeared one night then disappeared the next day, and then there was her cloak.
She had abandoned her cloak on the ground (she’d been stargazing and using it as a pillow) in her rush to leave one evening, and when she made it back the next morning, she found it neatly folded on top of one of the tree stumps. Then, four days later, she found the usual peels on the ground, along with 3 small jiruusis piled on the stump. She smiled, and gleefully ate them, letting the juice drip down her chin. She left the three pits in a neatly stacked pile, exactly where the fruit had been left on the stump, hoping the leaver would understand it as a gesture of thanks.
"I'll see you later, buddy!" Poe squeezed then slapped Finn's arm as he left the mess hall and headed for his walk outdoors. So far, no one had seemed to notice that he disappeared for a few hours after the evening meal a few times a week. He wasn't sure how long this would keep up, but he would take it while he could.
When he reached the top of the hill, the suns were just beginning to dip below the treeline. Poe walked towards the clump of tree stumps, smiling when he saw the three pits stacked where he had left the jiruusis the day before.
"So, I'm sharing my spot with someone, huh?" he muttered, smiling, as he gathered up the pits, and tossed them back and forth between his hands. He lowered himself to the ground, leaning back on one of the stumps.
He'd been startled to see the fabric scrunched up on the ground that day last week. It wasn't that he thought that this spot was entirely secret. But he had liked the idea of a place where he didn't have to worry about running into anybody. And now, it seemed it was a thing that was likely to eventually happen.
So, in a gesture of peace, and perhaps trying to say "Look, you stay out of my way, I'll stay out of yours", he'd left the fruit there on his next visit. It was only later, as he was unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, that he realized any animal or creature could get to the fruit before the other being who shared his spot got there. But apparently, his peace offering had been found undisturbed.
Poe leaned forward, shaking the pits in his cupped left hand, tossing one into his right, and with a flick of his wrist, threw the jiruusi pit into the woods. He continued to rattle the remaining pits in his hands, narrowing his eyes as he focused on a rock at the edge of the clearing. He wanted to crawl out of his skin. It had been such a long day, full of talking and looking at maps, and more talking, and he hadn't stepped into the hangar in two days.
He flicked another pit towards the rock, hitting it on the right side. He knew that after losing so much of their upper command, he would have to take on more responsibility. He knew it, he accepted it, and was trying to grow into it. Some of it had been easy. He had wanted to show Leia that she could rely on him, trust him. He wanted to prove that he could learn and grow---that he had moved beyond the stunt he pulled with the Dreadnought.
But also.
He tossed the final pit at the rock and missed by an arm's length. But also, he missed his X-Wing. He missed the freedom and the control he had up in the air. Black One had been his pride. He and BB-8 had spent so many hours doing the necessary maintenance, making adjustments to make her the best ship. He'd tried to keep Black One sparkling clean, scrubbing the carbon scoring off himself, which earned him a lot of teasing by the rest of Black Squadron. Snap had once made the observation that Poe didn't have time for relationships, because he was already in one with Black One, which wasn't far off from the truth.
Poe leaned back against the cluster of tree stumps, sighing. He was tired. He was tired and he missed his damn ship and he wanted to crawl out of his skin or just, take his brain out and give it a full reset. Maybe then he could finally sleep at night.
He tried to slow his breathing. He didn't need to think about things. He needed to be calm. He just needed to be, here, touching the ground, alone and away from everyone.
Sometimes he saw the new recruits point his way and give him a look. He’d gotten used to that during his days in the academy. When he’d joined the Resistance, it had continued, and who was he to stop others from pointing out the hot shot, slap-him-on-the-recruitment-posters-handsome pilot?
But now.
Now he was sure when the fingers were pointed, they were followed by a hard stare, and a sad headshake. "See him? He's the reason the Resistance had their fleet slaughtered." No one had said this to his face. Yet. But he knew it was a matter of time. He was bracing for it.
Opening his eyes, Poe looked to the rising moon, just visible in the twilight sky. How many trips out here, by himself, before he was ready to meet those inevitable confrontations head-on? How many sticks would he need to break, how many rocks would he have to toss, how many hours of solitude before he felt like himself again? Would he ever feel like himself again?
And what was he gonna do when he ran into whoever else it was who came out to this spot? Tell them "Excuse me, this is where I come to break down and cry and scream, and I can't have an audience, so if you don't mind, find your own hill to fall apart on"? Hell.
Poe hugged his knees close to his chest, resting his head on his crossed forearms. He wished to the heavens and cried out to the Force for some form of release. Was it possible to feel everything so deep in your bones, it makes you numb? He’d give anything to cry; take every thought and feeling he’d had since Leia had sent him to Jakku and release it back to the Force, into the void of space---wherever, he just wanted it all far away from him. But there was nothing, no release, no calm, just the weight and pain in his chest that he couldn’t escape.
He sat like this until it was dark, then arose, and slowly walked back to the base.