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One
Dohyon looked into his bag and quietly cursed.
It had been a good, pleasant Monday until now; he had a 45 minute Algebra test on the first period but thanks to the notes he borrowed from Jinwoo and the entire Sunday morning doing nothing but solving equations, he was pretty sure the result wouldn’t be disappointing. Then, he had English, which is his favourite subject so everything about Conditionals and Passive Voice was just a piece of cake.
If not for Eugene’s whining about getting stuck on question number 10 on the Physics’ worksheet, the one they were supposed to submit in the afternoon, Dohyon wouldn’t have gone through his bag to lend his classmate his work and realized he had left his paper at home. He isn’t allowed to go back home and get his homework, his school is not that lenient about students going in and out during studying hours unless they have a health or family emergency. Dohyon spent a good minute imagining what the no-nonsense Physics teacher will get at him if he says he forgets to bring the homework; it’s going to be bad. There was an option, even though Dohyon wasn’t sure if it’s available, he picked up his phone when it was break time and chose the number at the first place in his contact list.
Lunch time came and Dohyon refused to leave the classroom when Jinwoo suggested they should go to the cafeteria and try the new menu.
“Why? I heard they added meatballs and chicken dumplings.”
“I’m waiting for my brother,” Dohyon shook his head. “He’s bringing my Physics homework.”
“I’ll wait with you then.” Jinwoo sat down and pulled out his phone, tempting to get Dohyon battle with him on the new game he discovered last night but Dohyon suddenly stood up from his chair, his eyes brightened as he saw a familiar figure poke his head around the door.
“Dohyonie!”
Dohyon sighed in relief as Hangyul waved a clipboard in his hand, not knowing Jinwoo sitting next to him is gaping his mouth like a codfish, unable to tell if the muscular guy in front of them is actually blood-related to his friend.
“I come bearing gifts,” The older brother passed over the worksheet, smiling widely. “You owe me, kiddo.”
“Thanks, hyung.” Dohyon replied, followed by, “I’ll do laundry from now until next month.”
After the older brother left, Jinwoo turned to Dohyon and raised a question that Dohyon has been tired of being asked ever since he was six years old.
“Why don’t you and your brother look alike?”
"Because my brother plays sports and dances while I don't." Dohyon replied without looking at his friend, busy looking for his coin pouch. "Do you think we still have time to go to the cafeteria?"
Two
To Dohyon, first grade was all about easily getting that honor student title and spending time learning piano four times per week. His private piano teacher said he’s a natural musical born talent and Dohyon watched his mom’s lips quirked upward in a joyous, proud smile, revealing her perfectly aligned teeth. At the age of six, Dohyon made a promise to himself that he would do the best he could to make his mom smile a little brighter each day.
It was the week before Christmas, Dohyon’s mom called off a piano lesson and took him to the shopping mall with her. He had fun; helping his mom pick out ornaments that looks like silver plums and luminously colored papers for gift wrapping. They stopped at a chicken restaurant and his mom let him choose what he wanted for dinner, in which he chose cheese buldak with a hope that he would be able to brag to his friends in class tomorrow about eating the spicy chicken without crying.
Dohyon stopped tapping his chubby fingers on the table when his mom spoke up, her voice was lilting as always but her stern expression gave the boy a vague thought that his mom was going to tell him something really important. And his intuition was right, because his mom spent the next thirty minutes to tell him that there’s this boy, Hangyul, who is five years older than him, needed a place to stay for a long time and Dohyon’s parents were willing to be his forever home. Therefore, she expected Dohyon would be alright with having an elder brother.
Dohyon was familiar with the term “adoption” because he knew a lady, who is his mom’s close friend, worked for an organization that helped abandoned children and the woman herself was also a foster parent. Dohyon went to her house a few times with his mom to donate used clothes and books, he met the children under her care and even became friends with one kid, who later got adopted by an old couple and moved to another country. He thought it would be good for Hangyul to come and stay with them. He must not have had anywhere else to go. However, there was this tightness that kept twirling up and down in his stomach, forming a question that his young, simple mind couldn't find the answer.
“Mom, will you take care of me always?” Dohyon held his glass of orange juice tightly with both of his hands, not looking up to see his mom.
“Of course.” His mom replied; her voice started trembling.
“What if you can’t?” Dohyon persisted, “Who would take care of me? Do you I have to move to another home like Hangyul hyung?”
“No, Dohyonie, it’s not like that.” His mom stammered and Dohyon felt like he just did something horrible to his mom because a tear was rolling down her cheek, “Dad will always be there for you when I don’t feel well or I have to go to another place. And from now on, Hangyul is your brother. He’s going to take care of you, too.”
Dohyon spent the night before Christmas to make three handmade cards the way he was taught in Art class; two for his parents and the third, which he used up all the glitter and five different colored shimmer pens he had to draw two dinosaurs holding hands together on the cover, for Hangyul. The next day, when he awkwardly handed it to Hangyul while mumbling “Merry Christmas, hyung” under his breath, the other's eyes shone like pebbles washed by the ocean in Busan their family visited the year before, and his lips curved into a crooked little smile that reminded Dohyon of Finn The Human when he’s laughing with Jack.
Three
The first time Hangyul fought with other kids ever since he moved into his new home was when their parents decided to take both of the boys on a hiking trip as their summer break had just started.
Dohyon had never gone into a forest before and he was amazed by how the sky discreetly vanishes, leaving only a few fragments of baby blue remain wandering like scattered pieces of an undefined jigsaw puzzle above his head. The air was rich with the fragrance of leaves and woodland after a summer shower, a little damp and cramped but didn’t bother the younger boy a bit because back at Seoul, it was the second week of July where the temperature had become unbearably hot while in here, despite the heady fog slowly came out of the wet soil, everything is cool and soothing. The footpath was wide and civilized, leading to a wide earthen trail going higher up in the mountains.
“Are we there yet, mom?” asked Dohyon, panting. They had been walking for nearly an hour and his attention towards the squirrel dashing up on the branches had faded away, turning into impatience and exhaustion.
Dohyon puffed out his cheeks upon hearing his mom told him there were still two more kilometers.
“I can’t walk anymore, hyung.” Dohyon whined as he grabbed Hangyul’s shirt sleeve.
“You can do it,” Hangyul replied with his fists up in the air; he was panting, too and a shade of red was spreading across his cheeks. “We should run, Dohyonie. If you reach the top first, I will give you my sandwiches and gummy bears. Deal?”
It could be either what his brother said sounded like a heavenly offer or Hangyul was looking at him as if he was a champion, Dohyon took in all the air his lungs could hold and started running, ignoring his mom panicked and shouted at them to run slowly to avoid tripping over the rocks.
Dohyon lost but Hangyul kept his promise when they reached the picnic area, with wooden tables and benches. Later that morning, when they went down to come back to the guest house in the scenic village under the mountain, Hangyul held Dohyon’s hands so tightly in his and never let it go, even when Dohyon was too tired and their dad had to give the little boy a piggyback ride.
The next day, before the sun slowly drifted behind the mountains to the west, Hangyul and Dohyon asked their mom if they could borrow the bicycles from the guest house’s owner and go for a round and their mom said they should be back before 6 P.M.
The sunrays fell as a blanket of white upon the quiet village that covered with energetic hue of green from the trees growing so thickly on both sides of the main road and rusty grey color of traditional house roofs. The two boys started pedaling, heading towards the lake on the north side of the village, enjoying the summer breeze.
It wasn’t entirely Dohyon’s fault when he crashed into another boy who was cycling on the opposite direction of the dirt road; not until the accident happened did they know the brake of Dohyon’s borrowed bicycle was almost unable to reduce the speed. But then, the other boy was crossing the road while not looking to either of his sides.
It shouldn’t have been a problem if the other boy wasn’t with two other friends who seemed to be around Hangyul’s age and started getting aggressive towards them after Dohyon almost broke his back bowing and hectically apologizing and Hangyul carefully said since the boy was alright, he needed to bring Dohyon back to get some treatment for his scraped knee. One of them said Dohyon ruined their friend’s bike and required money for compensation and Hangyul argued back, the intensity in his voice was rising and Dohyon remembered how the older kept his fists stay firmly by his sides and each word came out of his mouth with a great force. Then came the breaking point of his brother’s patience as the boy with a buzz cut reached out to grab Dohyon with his large palm while his other hand curled into a meat hook, Hangyul moved faster than the wind to stop his movement and brought a fist to the boy’s face, snapping his nose into a grotesquerie while the other ploughed his clenched hand into Hangyul’s stomach. Dohyon watched his brother nearly dropped to the ground yet miraculously managed not to fall. Adrenaline flooded his system instantly, it pumped and beat like it was trying to eat him up alive. Dohyon felt his heart was rising up to his throat and his eyes were burning. His body wanted to move, to catch his brother’s hand and run back to the guest house even though at that point, he couldn’t even remember which way had led them there, but instead his feet were paralyzed. Hangyul’s opponent hadn’t fell either, he was planning to grasp Hangyul’s head in his hands, probably wanted to bring his knee cap up his nose for a payback but Hangyul was a lot quicker. His whirled his fist to land one heavy weight solidly on the other’s jaw and kicked him right in the midsection, knocking the breath out of him. The local kid dropped down and before the other two behind him were up and ran at Hangyul, a middle-aged woman stepped out of her house which was only a few footsteps away to see what the scream and shout were about and that was the end of the utterly fatuous fistfight.
Dohyon didn’t have much recollection about the details after they were safely back at the guest house; he only recalled the blood on Hangyu’s knuckles and a bruise above his right eye. And he remembered when their parents left them at the main house of the owner to pay the local boy’s house a visit, Hangyul dragged his aching body to the kitchen to get an ice pack and told Dohyon to put it on his knee.
“It helps.” said his brother, looking burnout and weary yet bringing his hand up to keep the ice pack in place as Dohyon let out a small whine because of the icy cold.
“Hyung, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell mom anything.” Hangyul smiled; there was a faint curve to his lips, but there was no crease below the eyes like how it always is, also no movement of his defined cheeks, “It’s my fault.”
It was past their bed-time when their parents returned. Dohyon was told to go to bed while their parents were having a talk with Hangyul and his brother gave him a light push on his shoulder, signaling him to do as his mom said. However, Dohyon was worried sick about Hangyul, he didn’t want their mom to scold his brother only. If only he had been more careful, his brother wouldn’t have been in trouble. He quietly walked up to their parents’ room and put his ear directly to the wall and listened.
“I don’t want Dohyon to get hurt. Mom, I will never let anyone do that.”
When Dohyon was eight, the boy made a promise to himself that when he’s older and stronger, he would do anything to protect his brother like he had done for him. Not with his fists, though, because mom had already told them it’s really bad.
Four
After their family travelled back to Seoul from the hiking trip, their mom signed Hangyul up for a Taekwondo class.
One day, Dohyon’s desk mate at the cram school told him a ghost story about an evil spirit living in the wardrobe of each family. That night, even though Dohyon knew no middle school kids would sleep with their parents, he still brought his pillow with him and asked his mom if he could sleep in their room because Hangyul had been going on a school trip for two days. Slowly, he drifted into consciousness, and then backed out upon hearing his mom’s voice, muttered and restrained.
“Do you think I’m doing this right?” Their mom asked their dad as she thought Dohyon was sleeping.
“We’re trying. Hangyul is a good kid but he carries too much suppressed rage inside him. I think the Taekwondo Master was right; the class could be a safe outlet for his anger. We have to have faith in him, honey.”
“You know I always believe in him.” their mom sighed heavily. “What about Dohyon?”
“Dohyon is fine. I’m telling you, our sons will be alright.”
Their dad was right. Hangyul took a great interest in martial arts and frequently got praised by the Master. He claimed to their parents that he would walk Dohyon to his school every day and he did, even waited for the younger outside of the cram school three times a week whether it was sunny or raining cats and dogs. Dohyon liked that, going to school and getting back home with Hangyul by his side. He delighted in getting looks of admiration from his classmates when they saw his brother wait for him outside of his school; they said he’s so tall and so cool and they wished they could have an older brother like him. He particularly enjoyed it a lot when Hangyul used his own weekly allowance to treat him tteokbokki at a small store on the way back home.
When Hangyul’s name was called at the Belt Ceremony to receive his green belt, seeing the look of unassailable confidence in his eyes, Dohyon thought his brother was a hero. A hero who didn’t have super strength to fly through the air or pick a tower up with one hand, or shoot laser out of his eyes. A hero who couldn’t read minds or move objects without touching. A normal hero, Dohyon thought, the only one that cares deeply about him and always looks after him.
On Hangyul’s fifteenth birthday, Dohyon used the pocket money he had been saving up in nearly two months to buy him a Taekwondo gear bag. In the birthday card he spent almost half an hour in the stationary store to find (he thought his drawing skill wasn’t as good as how it used to be, so he stopped making handmade birthday cards for everyone in his family), he wrote: “Happy birthday, hyung. You weren’t my brother before but I’m happy you’re now. And in the future, too.”
Years later, the birthday card still stood on Hangyul’s bookshelf. Unchanged, like the interconnection between the two.
Five
As it turned out, Dohyon’s normal hero might protect him always but there was a time when he couldn’t do anything to save himself from being something deemed not conventional.
Let’s say, normal girls don’t like girls, and normal boys don’t like boys. Hangyul got suspended from school for being caught snogging the captain of the football team in the corner of the locker room; their mom picked Hangyul up from school then Dohyon. The younger boy remembered he was confused as to why his brother looked like he was on the verge of crying and Hangyul never cried while their mom was gripping the wheel so tightly to the point her knuckles turned white. They had dinner at a Chinese restaurant their family often went to; his brother spent the entire time looking at the food and didn’t bother to pick up the chopsticks. When they reached home, their dad was on the phone with someone, fuming with anger as he shouted loudly that he would talk to their lawyer about suing the Principal of Hangyul’s school for discrimination. “Discrimination” is quite a new word to Dohyon but from looking at their dad move back and forth while still talking on phone as if he was on a warpath, and as her mom told him to go to his room with a somber voice, Dohyon decided to ask what it meant later. He was more worried about Hangyul, his brother hadn’t eaten anything since they were at the restaurant.
Dohyon went to check on Hangyul after he was finished with his Math homework. There was no light in the room and his brother was sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed; keeping his head ducked between his knees.
“Hyung,” Dohyon called out softly. “I bring you custard buns.”
Hangyul shifted aside to make room for Dohyon. He patted the spot next to him, and smiled when the younger sit down and put the plate with three yellow buns on it in front of him. There it was again; the same grimace smile with the familiar stoical grin-and-bear-it expression and faint layer of sadness pasted over the top Dohyon saw when his brother said it was his fault he beat up the kid who was tempted to attack Dohyon, or when he lost in the semi-final round of the Junior Taekwondo Championship. Dohyon didn’t like it; how his brother’s smile lacked the wrinkle at the edges of his eyes, like every time the younger cracked a random joke at the table when their family was having dinner.
“Do you want me to do anything, hyung?”
“You brought me custard buns.” Hangyul said while glancing up to see his baby brother. It was dark in the room, especially where they were sitting on the bed and the silvery light of the full moon fell through the large windows didn’t help Dohyon tell if there was a trace of tears on his brother’s reddening cheeks.
“That’s enough.” He continued.
“The date hasn’t expired yet,” Dohyon hesitantly nudged his brother’s shoulder in hope of making him eat the buns. “Hyung, let’s eat.”
Dohyon watched Hangyul chew on the squishy cream custard bun with silent joy. He still looked sad, Dohyon hated it, but he believed his brother would feel better after eating the buns as every time the younger felt down because of his bad grades, Hangyul would buy him an extra large treat of tteokbokki and all the sadness would disappear the instant he tasted his most favourite savoury dish. He sat closer to Hangyul, tugging on his arm lightly as if he was afraid he might hurt his brother. Like being caught in a carousel of thoughts, the younger tried to keep his eyes open to see if his brother finished eating, he really did, but it was so difficult when he was in such a comfortable spot on the bed; the soft mattress underneath him, the warmth of the sheets around him and the sweet faint scent of fabric softener on his brother’s shirt made his eyelids flutter and his head drop to the side. The world was fading into a blur and distorted random images seemed to float aimlessly in the back of his head, then a tap on his shoulder momentarily brought him back. His head jolted upward, realizing his brother was looking at him.
“Go back to your room and sleep, Dohyonie,” His brother patted his head. “You have school tomorrow.”
“I’ll just sleep here, hyung.” Dohyon yawned loudly. “Did you eat the buns? Oh, you ate them all.”
Before his brother could say anything about not wanting him to sleep in his room, the drowsiness pulled him back to the shadow of dreams in less than a minute after his head hit the pillow. The next morning, when their mom came in to wake them up for breakfast, both were still sleeping soundly. Dohyon turned into a baby Koala hugging his human-like bamboo pillow, with his arm around Hangyul neck and a leg over his brother’s belly. Later, while Hangyul was shaking his head up and down in an attempt to release the stiffness in his neck muscles, he told Dohyon the next time he wanted to sleep in his room, the only spot for him was the floor. The younger boy responded to his warning with a pout and scrunched up face.
The following week, their parents got Hangyul transferred to another school. Dohyon was upset because that meant his brother wouldn’t be able to walk him to school like he used to anymore since their schools are now in two different districts. The boy got even more furious when a kid in his class, whose older sister went to Hangyul’s old school, said his brother was “a disgusting homosexual”. However, he walked away before the rage could take over him. His mom said using his fists isn’t the solution; that’s why when the PE session began, Dohyon purposely and stealthily stuck out his leg as the kid dribbled past on basketball court, tripping him up. No one saw how it went down; no one blamed him and Dohyon didn’t feel bad at all when that kid had to leave with his friend’s help.
Dohyon thought it was absurd when so many irrelevant people had to say bad things about his brother kissing a boy. It’s none of their business. People say normal girls don't like girls, and normal boys don't like boys but Dohyon classed such thing as a lie and he strongly disregarded it.
Six
There’s a photo in Dohyon’s desk drawer.
It is of their family, one of the last ones taken before their parents move to Japan as their dad’s job required them to do so. Hangyul just started his freshman year in college and Dohyon only had one year left in middle school. Hence, after countless family discussions with Dohyon being vigorously obstinate about not living many hundred miles away from his brother, their parents decided if their dad is obligated to stay in Japan longer than the expected term, which is one year and a half, then Dohyon will have to go over and study there.
Puberty hit Dohyon like a truck and it was shown clearly in the photo. By the time he reached the 7th grade, he had already been three centimeters taller than Hangyul but his physical strength always stayed the same, which means no matter how hard Hangyul tried to teach him how to swim or shoot a three pointer to save his plummeted PE scores, the kid failed miserably and hilariously.
Dohyon wanted to stop playing piano after he discovered that he has a talent for rapping and writing lyrics. It started simply. One day, he followed Hangyul to a freestyle dance battle and the incongruous 90s old school hip hop beat by Drunken Tiger pulled his soul in with a magnetic gravitational force. The heavy boom-bap style with impeccable flows, hard rhymes and hard beats, combining with the dazzling, high-energy moves from Hangyul and his friends made the crowd explode with cheers, sending palpable excitement buzzed through the wintry air of a late afternoon in November, planting a seed of curiosity and aspiration in the deepest corner of Dohyon’s blooming heart. He started spending hours on Youtube, being mesmerized by how rappers could encompass so many fragments of life into an art form allowing anyone of any race, skin color, or origin enjoy. From Tupac to Run-DMC, Eric. B and Rakim in the West during the 90s and groups that shook the early hip-hop scene in South Korea, including Uptown, DJ DOC and Drunken Tiger. Then Verbal Jint, who was independent of any labels, successfully overcame the challenges of following Korean language grammatical structures and made his name appealing to the mass with his creation of a “rhyming formula”. And his generation, especially those who want to critique, create, or detest now can have a shot at expressing their inner thoughts and feelings, and breakthrough into the mainstream with their raw talents on the radio and major broadcast music shows.
Dohyon wanted to be like that, spitting out rhymes and conveying a message that urge people to raise their hands up and bob their heads to what he delivers on the stage. He could create something new, something that will shake the whole music scene. And there will come a day where his brother gets his own crew, they would dance to the beat of his own song. That seems to be an alluring dream and Dohyon wanted all of it.
He told Hangyul about his newfound passion. The older applauded his desire but still asked him to practice playing piano.
“You have a gift, Dohyonie, you can’t waste it.” He said while preparing to flip the egg in the frying pan with both of his hands as they were making dinner for three. Hangyul’s boyfriend was coming over; Dohyon liked him, the guy gave off good vibes and was always gentle with his brother. When he made a funny joke, his brother would giggle like a cheerful little kid, and as uncool as it was, his muscles started shaking and tears almost streamed from his half-closed eyes. Dohyon found it lovely, the tingly happiness surrounding both of them. And the eternally sweet smile stained upon Hangyul’s lips, he wished it would stay put through time.
That being so, it saddened him to see Hangyul went home extremely late one night, and unfortunately, sort of drunk, mostly on alcohol and the rest on unwanted emotions that Dohyon couldn’t find the right words to address. His brother looked as if he just came out of a raging emotional hurricane, dragging his limping body inside like wet laundry on a cold, damp day. Dohyon didn’t know where he had gone to but he had said he would meet Kookheon, so he assumed the older guy was a part, if not entirely the reason why his brother was sitting by the kitchen counter, not loosening his grip on the glass of water Dohyon handed him and letting the sorrow skate over his body.
A few days transitioned into a few weeks, then months of Kookheon not coming over their house. Dohyon couldn’t tell if his brother was still sad. He still woke up half an hour before the younger to make breakfast and left notes on the fridge to remind him of hanging the clothes to dry on the balcony when he got back home from school, or to tell him he would come home late due to group work at the college, so Dohyon should microwave the leftovers from last night and remember to drink milk before going to bed. It seemed he was okay. Or it could be how adults deal with breakups, they go on with their lives and leave the poignant baggage somewhere, Dohyon was unable to tell.
Dohyon went to an audition at an entertainment agency that is famous for producing boy groups with “Day of Peace” by Epik High but messed up the second verse. He went another two auditions, each time accompanied by Hangyul and the older always waited outside with a smile that resembles a beam of light. “There will be another time, Dohyonie.” said his brother. His simple words brought him some comfort, like a reassuring symphony that can soothe the swelling in his heart.
Seven
Dohyon’s homeroom teacher came in and told the English teacher that Dohyon needed to step outside. Confused, Dohyon followed her to the hall and the teacher said without a pause that she got a call from Jaseng Hospital, saying a man who drove over the speed limit hit Hangyul and two other pedestrians. Dohyon’s knees almost went out under him, instantly.
He couldn’t even remember leaving his school, his homeroom teacher called a cab and went to the hospital with him. She had been talking to Dohyon but he couldn’t hear any word over the blood pumping in his ears. He looked out of the window, people were walking in a hurry and the world was still turning. Dohyon got out of the cab before it hardly stopped, running straight into the hospital. He felt like vomiting.
Suddenly, he was at the ER entrance and fear had spread all over his body, making his toes curl and twisting his stomach. The nurse told him Hangyul was no longer in critical condition but Dohyon couldn’t fight the lump in his throat and the crippling fear kept his legs from moving.
Hangyul was there. His brother was there, in that hospital bed but thankfully, not hooked up on a beeping machine like the other pedestrian on the bed next to him. He had stitches in his forehead and a sling around his arm, but he was still conscious enough to glanced up immediately as Dohyon quickened his footsteps towards him. Hangyul couldn’t hide the exhaustion in his fragile smile but Dohyon could tell his brother was relieved upon seeing his face in this particular room. Other than their mom, his brother is the only one looking at him like that, like he is bringing rays of early summer sun. Dohyon wrapped his hands around Hangyul’s neck, the older groaned a bit yet promptly adjusted himself so his baby brother could sit down more comfortably while still hanging onto his side. Tears burst forth like water from a dam, rolling down Dohyon’s face. Second by second, salty drops fell from his chin, drenching his brother’s shoulder and the older did nothing but holding him in silence, rocking him slowly until Dohyon pulled away, blinking lashes heavy with tears.
“Hyung, I’m scared.” Dohyon’s lips trembled, he still didn’t want to believe that his brother could have gone away today.
“Dohyonie,” Hangyul said his name with an effort, the air went rushing out from his nose so quickly Dohyon thought he needed a breather. “I’m alright. I’m here. Don’t cry.”
“Don’t cry.” He repeated. His hand was firm and warm, his fingers kept drawing circles on Dohyon’s back like a spell easing his fear and panic.
Later, Hangyul was released from the hospital and they went home in silence. Hangyul texted with one hand while Dohyon pulled out the medical prescription to read it over and over. Dohyon struggled for an hour and a half to make chicken porridge while Hangyul passed out on the sofa; finally getting some shut-eye after an eventful day and under the influence of a comparatively heavy dose of painkillers. The older was too exhausted to go upstairs and even though Dohyon didn’t think it was a good idea for his brother to lie down there, it wasn’t like he could do anything about that either. And so, he kept running back and forth between the kitchen and the living room to check if his brother woke up and needed his help to move around. The boy nearly burned the crock-pot but the porridge came out just fine. Dohyon was satisfied; this was like playing The Sims and he had just successfully leveled up his Sims’ cooking skill to the highest degree.
There was a knock at the door, Dohyon opened it to see a total stranger. He looked like he was around Hangyul’s age; the guy was wearing all black and he looked wholly distraught, Dohyon carefully scanned his face.
“Hi. You must be Dohyon, Hangyul’s brother.” The guy shifted his weight on his feet before continuing. “I’m Seungyoun, his friend at the studio.”
Hangyul told Dohyon about the crew he just joined; the younger asked if he could come by to see him dance and his brother said yes, but then final exams and piano lessons took away all of his spare time. So, this guy could be one of Hangyul’s friends. Dohyon pressed his lips into a thin line, thinking hard.
“Hangyul hyung can’t see you right now, he’s sleeping. He got hit by a car this morning.”
“I know.” Seungyoun replied in the twinkling of an eye, as if he was afraid that Dohyon would close the door into his face in case he couldn’t say it quick enough. There was a clear hint of tremor in his voice, Dohyon wondered if he also sounded the same when he let out muffled sobs wracked against Hangyul’s chest at the ER. Seungyoun was looking directly at him now, his eyes are like two pool of darkness and sorrow, mixed with a great amount of consternation swimming in them. They scared Dohyon, sort of, to be honest.
“I came to see Hangyul.” He tried to look past Dohyon’s shoulder but the younger stepped aside to hinder his view. “I got his message. Look, please.”
Dohyon took a careful look at the phone screen Seungyoun raised up to his eye level. It was a short text, Hangyul said he wouldn’t be at the practice because he was hospitalized but there’s no need to worry about him. Dohyon rolled his eyes at the last words, as if his brother wasn’t passing out on the couch right now, looking as pale as a ghost to say his teammates shouldn’t be worried about him. He let Seungyoun in and by the time he shut the door and turned around, Seungyoun was over by Hangyul but only standing there and watching him. Then he crouched down and put a hand on Hangyul’s cheek, not moving for what felt like an eternity.
Dohyon walked to the kitchen to make orange juice, the doctor said his brother needed to stay properly hydrated and fruit juice would help. Then he went into the living room; his brother was awake now and leaning his whole body on Seungyoun’s right side.
Good. Dohyon thought. If Seungyoun was here, then he had better give him a hand in taking care of Hangyul.
“Can you carry him upstairs, please? And feed him, too? Thank you.”
Both Seungyoun and Hangyul stared at him, two pairs of black eyes were drilling into his and Dohyon just shrugged.
“You need to be in bed, hyung.” He pointed at the sling on Hangyul’s arm. “Since you won’t be able to eat by yourself, Seungyoun hyung here could help you with that.”
“I would.” Seungyon nodded and Hangyul hit him with his free hand.
“Thanks again, hyung. These are his meds, all need to be taken after meals.”
When Seungyoun left, Dohyon was already standing at the door, waiting for him.
“Thank you for coming over, hyung.”
“I wanted to see him.” Seungyoun's eyes glistered with a sharp gleam and Dohyon didn’t think he was fond of that look. The way he couldn't take his eyes off his brother was familiar; he had seen Kookheon look at Hangyul with the same affection and concern yet in the end, he walked away. This guy standing in front of him right now could leave his brother behind some day, and Dohyon hated to think of how other people have abandoned Hangyul throughout his life. It was unfair. It was painful. It was frustrating to see his brother fumble in the dark trying to pull back the broken pieces within him, all by himself. Dohyon didn’t want to helplessly witness as any of those ever happens again to his brother.
“You mustn’t hurt him.” He said without much thinking. “Hyung, I won’t let you do that.”
“Hangyul is very important to me. I will never hurt him. I won’t let anyone do that, either.”
Dohyon remembered the promise he made a while back, to protect Hangyul. Hearing someone say the same thing gave him a hope that in the future, even if he’s not here with his brother, he would still have one special person taking good care of him.
”By the way, hyung, the doctor said Hangyul hyung has to avoid strenuous physical activities for next two months.” Dohyon stressed on each word.
”I understand.”
“That means if Hangyul hyung goes to practice,” Dohyon paused for a second, considering his choice of words. “Even after they remove his sling, you have to kick him out.”
Seungyoun chuckled, his shoulders shaking with amusement but quickly recovered his posture.
“Aye-aye, Chief.”
By midnight, Dohyon stopped by Hangyul’s room and looked inside, watching his brother restfully breathe for a while.
“Goodnight, hyung.”
Eight
To Dohyon, happiness has always come to him easily. It used to be a hug from his mom and an uplifting bed-time story that ended with a fun surprise. It used to be a trip to his grandparents’ house in a quieter neighborhood. It used to be a walk in the woods and playing splashing in the stream. Then, Hangyul came into his life and happiness started changing its form. It was spending hours drawing cartoon characters and dinosaurs. It was watching his brother practicing his kicks at his Taekwondo class and finding him jumping up and down when Dohyon’s name was called for the first place in an annual piano contest for children. It was day by day walking to school and then back home with his brother by his side, Dohyon told him everything happened in his class and Hangyul listened, randomly threw in hilarious comments and jokes. It was the tteokbokki treats Hangyul spent his own money buying for both of them. It was those mid summer days where the air got so thick of humidity and Hangyul complained to no end about the clamminess upon his skin; however, they still had to go up to the terrace to water their mom’s plants and as expected, their chore soon changed into chasing each other between the pots and water gun fighting.
There were times where Dohyon wondered what his childhood would have been like if Hangyul hadn’t been there. Simpler, probably, since Dohyon was an only child. Quieter, no doubt, between classes and piano lessons, Dohyon wouldn’t have much to do. To conclude, it wouldn’t be as good as it has been and it will be. After Hangyul came into the picture, he couldn’t imagine his life without Hangyul, he didn’t even want to think about it.
Their parents flew back to Korea after Hangyul persuaded them to let Dohyon become a trainee at the agency Kookheon was working for as vocal trainer.
Dohyon was happy as a shark in a shoal of sea beam. He was one step closer to the greatest dream of him and Hangyul performing together on a large-scale booming stage. Hangyul was happy too, Dohyon was absolutely sure about that because his brother asked the younger ten times a day if he needed anything beside almost everything he had prepared for him before going to live in a dorm with other trainees.
“I’ve never felt more proud of you.” Hangyul said as they said goodbye in front of a big building.
Dohyon didn’t reply but ran into Hangyul’s open arms, resting his head on the other’s shoulder and seeing their parents were looking at both of them with so much fondness in their eyes. Seungyoun was there, standing by their dad’s side, smiling brightly.
“Take care, hyung.” Dohyon murmured while directing his gaze to Seungyoun, quietly mouthing “Take care of him for me.”
“I will.” Seungyoun nodded his head, sending him a gesture with hardened confirmation.
He’s going to debut, Dohyon determined to become the best. For himself. For the brother he would do anything to keep them stay together in happiness.