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She was nervous. Incredibly so. And she didn’t know what to make of that. He had assured her time and time again that the changes in her body only made him love her more….especially considering the reason for those changes. He also thanked her time and time again for making him a father...for providing him with a life he never believed he deserved...or would ever even get to have since he had resigned himself to a short life expectancy upon his return from the “dead” oh so many years ago. Yet when she looked in the mirror she was flooded with insecurities...most of them new. But some old insecurities whispered in her ear as well….ones she thought had been slowly but surely destroyed during the years of being loved by him. The ones that said she wasn’t attractive enough for him...not glamorous enough...just, well, not enough in general. He had been furious with her the first time she shared such secrets with him. Shared during a vulnerable moment after a charity event early in their relationship when a former, um….conquest of “Ollie’s” (seriously...how long ago had that been) decided to trash her while talking to some friends in the ladies room...completely unaware that the object of their jealous tirade was locked in the last stall unable to move...immobilized by the vicious words she heard about herself...her fashion choices, her lack of so called social graces and ultimately, in their opinion, her inability to maintain the attention of such a man for any significant length of time. The leader assured anyone who would listen that Oliver and Felicity’s relationship was a phase he was experiencing (“Nerds are trendy right now...their time will pass...and his new plaything will lose her shine”) and it would not be long before he was once again on the prowl. Regardless of the fact he had not, in fact, been “on the prowl” for years. Short recollection on their part apparently. Or more like misplaced sense of hope by other members of the female population. Waiting for the re-emergence of Ollie and the possibility that they themselves would be on the receiving end of his attention. She had remained hidden in that ladies room for over fifteen minutes...doing her best to drown out their words. But unfortunately such words spoken out loud by strangers were far too similar to the words she herself had floating in her head. She tried to harness and keep such shadows at bay and for the most part, she could be wonderfully successful, reminding herself of not only who she was but also of how he looked at her with a soft smile and even softer eyes. Eyes that looked only at her...never even glancing at other interested parties.
Eventually she emerged from that ladies room...barely suppressing the fears unearthed by the viciousness of strangers. He found her at the bar as she slowly sipped her red wine, seeking calm. Naturally there was a ghost of concern on his face as he explained how he had been looking for her...wondering if she had “ditched” him for a “better offer”. She laughed at that...with not one shred of humour. Because for her...there was no better than him. But could the same be said of her for him? Beating the thought away and quickly getting angry at herself for allowing the foolishness of others to dare encroach upon what they had created, she plastered a smile on her face quietly explaining that she escaped to get some much needed air...these charity events played upon her nerves. Seriously...she would rather face the city’s underbelly than it’s supposed elite. He knew this about her...so he accepted her excuse than led her to the dance floor, wine forgotten behind them at the bar.
Unfortunately, the voices in her head had not remained quiet for long. Feeling the weight of the evening’s events threatening to suffocate her, she had no choice really, but to share the story later that night as they lay together in their bed. So she told him. Of how she hid in the bathroom stall with her heart racing and tears collecting but not falling...as she listened to others slice away at what the two of them held so precious. He grew still...so incredibly still as she awaited his eruption. Oh, and he didn’t disappoint. But he certainly did surprise. She expected his anger to be focused on the gossipers. And while a fair share of his words were sent in their direction...he was far more livid at her. At her...for daring to believe she was not worthy of him. As if she wasn’t the very thing that allowed him to live. To Live...not just exist. Which is what he said he did before that fateful day when he sauntered up to her cubicle expecting nothing more than some information easily obtained by his well practiced charm. She threw him off base upon their introduction. Created a crack within his persona that grew and evolved into someone far better.. All because of her. And to hear her speak with such vulnerability...saying out loud that maybe she wasn’t enough sent his heart racing. Which resulted in him loudly... oh, so loudly, gathering up all her doubts and shattering them. Then he quietly...oh, so quietly, shattered her. Hours were spent whispering his love into her skin until she had no choice but to once again silence the darker corners of her brain.
But now, years later...old and new vulnerabilities collided. As did the anger at herself for giving such thoughts any type of power. Realistically though, she could not deny that the stretch marks and extra pounds took jabs at her self-esteem. Naturally, he noticed how she tried to hide her body from him those first few weeks after Mia was born. An act committed completely subconsciously...she was honestly surprised at his observation...laughing off his remarks with trademark sarcasm. He, of course, didn’t buy it...simply raised an eyebrow, tilted his head...then enveloped her face in his hands and kissed her like it was their first time.
God she loves this man. And she misses the feel of him above her...or under her. At this point she isn’t too picky….it’s been awhile after all.This morning, her doctor gave the green light for sex, so the medically imposed drought could officially end. Her body was doing a high five but her brain was pumping the breaks. He patiently waited for her on the other side of the bathroom door. Ok...maybe not so patiently considering he was now knocking on said door asking if she was alright. Damn, he knew her too well. As she knew him. It did not escape her how long she had been in there debating with herself, reliving past memories triggered by present circumstances. She was aware he was doing his best to give her space but it was clear his concerns were mounting the longer it took for her to emerge into the bedroom.
Opening the door slowly, she offered him a shy smile. She tried to speak...to offer words to explain her behavior. Words that apparently were completely and utterly unnecessary as he gathered her into his arms….and slayed once again every doubt, every fear and every vulnerability her overactive brain could conjure up.