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Lan Xichen feels his vision dangerously swirling in front of him as his eyes try to focus on the red stains darkening his robes. There had been a time when the white robes had never seemed to stay clean for long, drenched in the blood of others. Lan Xichen would nearly dream with the sickening scent of blood in his mouth no matter how many times he washed off.
But after that season had passed, Lan Xichen had hardly found himself dirtying his robes. The war had finished and while there were times of conflict, life had been mostly peaceful.
Mostly.
Had been.
Lan XiChen swallows down those words and feels his body trying to weep as he realizes that these bloodstains once again belong to someone else.
It could’ve belonged to anyone else… but of course… as fate would have it… it could only belong to--
“Wake up.”
Lan Xichen gasps awake and sits up frantically on his sleeping mat. His chest heaves and he feels sweat dripping off his brow as he wildly looks around. Dreams claw at his consciousness and composure and keep them prisoner while he frantically tries to recall where he is.
“Xichen. What is the matter with you?”
Lan Xichen stills immediately. No. Impossible.
He slowly turns his head. And finds none other than Jin Guangyao in his bed.
Jin Guangyao furrows his brow and gently uses his sleeve to dab at Lan Xichen’s sweat. He murmurs gently, “What were you dreaming about?” He reaches over and interlaces his fingers with Lan Xichen’s to which the Lan cultivator immediately jerks his grip away. Jin Guangyao looks at him in confusion, seeing his lover so startled. “Xichen? Is something wrong?”
This isn’t real.
Lan Xichen looks around the room to find that he is not in seclusion at the GusuLan. Instead, he finds himself next to a very much alive Jin Guangyao in a small cottage. He looks down at his inner robes and does not find them to be high silken Gusulan robes but… just simple fabric. He looks quickly at Jin Guangyao who is still waiting patiently beside him, dressed in a similar fashion.
And then… Lan Xichen feels a name fall of his lips that he hasn’t said in what feels like a century.
“A-Yao.”
Jin Guangyao smiles breathtakingly and answers him. “Yes, my husband.”
Lan Xichen feels his heart thump painfully, nearly stumbling back from the blow. He tries to steady himself as the world spins with frightening intensity and processes what is happening to him in utter disbelief. “A-Yao,” he whispers this time, carefully as though the illusion will melt away into nothingness.
Jin Guangyao’s smile falls from his face. He senses the bitter grief coming off Lan Xichen and reaches out slowly to touch his cheek. “Yes, my love,” he breathes out. Lan Xichen leans into his palm and closes his eyes, a lifetime of sadness marring his expressions. Every movement feels stained with regret as he kisses Jin Guangyao’s palm delicately.
“A-Yao…” Those eyes open, brimming with a melancholy so deep that Jin Guangyao feels his breath leave him.
Jin Guangyao tries to smile softly, “I’m here.” Before the tear can fall from Lan Xichen’s eyes, he wipes it away. Lan Xichen continues to not say a word, just searching Jin Guangyao’s eyes for an answer. To which, Jin Guangyao leans over and places a kiss, pressing an answer to his lips. “I’ll start on breakfast. You can join me when you’re ready,” he mouths along Lan Xichen’s chin. Placing another quick peck, Jin Guangyao pushes off his blanket and stands. He unfolds his clothes neatly from a drawer and starts to lace his ribbons.
Lan Xichen watches him carefully, burning the image into his mind to try and quell the roiling in his blood. He feels rhythm and life come back to him seeing Jin Guangyao elegantly brush his hair back. His pale fingers easily comb through his hair and pull some of it back to form a bun. But just as Lan Xichen thinks his heart can beat once more, it stops again.
A pale white ribbon catches the sunlight coming in from the single bedroom window.
It flutters as Jin Guangyao puts it in his mouth as he continues to finish tying his hair back. He takes the ribbon from his lips and brings it to tie around his hair when he notices Lan Xichen staring. He smiles playfully and pauses. “You never fail to watch me do this every morning. Is it really that enchanting?” He finishes pulling the ribbon into a loose bow and checks himself in a small mirror.
“More than you know.” Lan Xichen answers back, swallowing hard while looking at Jin Guangyao.
Jin Guangyao hesitates before leaning over and placing another kiss on Lan Xichen’s temple. “Dress quickly and join me. Your nightmares don’t exist where we are.” He pulls away and walks into the other room.
Lan Xichen pauses and looks out the window to find that the house is located in a densely packed forest. But even still, the sun shines brightly between the trees and in the little clearing where their house sits. If Lan Xichen is extremely still, he can nearly hear the river that runs further down the hill. The sunrises and sunsets are brilliant here but even more so are the stars. More than a few times, he and Jin Guangyao have taken the time to simply sit outside and take in the wonder of the stars. They never had time for that before… not after they became cultivators--
“Lan Xichen!”
There’s a sword… and blood… and pain so great Lan Xichen is nearly offended he bears no wounds---
There’s a crisp and soft sound of a knife hitting a cutting board. Lan Xichen takes a shaky breath and walks over to the dresser to pull out a set of neatly folded clothes next to… next to Jin Guangyao’s. They are simple commoner’s clothes, inconspicuous and rather fitted for more practical work. The sleeves are cuffed and so unlike the long billowing robes of a cultivator, but somehow as Lan Xichen brushes his fingers over the hemming, he finds comfort in it. Lan Xichen quickly dresses himself and reaches up to tie back his hair before he realizes his headpiece is missing. Of course, it would be. They had given up everything long ago. Everything except that…
The image of Jin Guangyao laughing while washing their clothes in the running river flashes through his memory. He splashes some water at Lan Xichen and has a mischief and playfulness Lan Xichen has not seen since… the first time they met. And twirling in the wind is a Lan forehead ribbon, Lan Xichen’s own ribbon , tied around Jin Guangyao’s hair.
Lan Xichen clears his throat as he stops himself from getting too caught up in that thought and quickly ties back his own hair.
Jin Guangyao smiles easily hearing the door creak open and continues to finely dice vegetables before sweeping them into a boiling pot. “Could you get started on watering the vegetables and I’ll get started on the soup.”
Lan Xichen pauses in the doorway, watching Jin Guangyao finish dicing up fresh vegetables that they had grown from the garden in front… their garden. He finds himself staring once more at Jin Guangyao’s figure. He watches the way the sunlight falls against the curve of his collarbones down to the insides of his wrist. He sees the way a strand of hair always seems to slip free, despite having just been tied back. And though Jin Guangyao says everytime that he hates it, Lan Xichen loves the way that so-called imperfection looks framing his face. Everything from the line of his soft jaw to the slope of his shoulders. He looks at it all and stands in wonder at how unjustly beautiful his husband can be just catching the light from the window. Jin Guangyao finishes the last carrot and looks up.
Lan Xichen feels like flying and falling all at once.
Jin Guangyao cocks his head to the side slightly, “Truly, Xichen. Is something going on? Are you alright? If you’re feeling unwell, I can tend to the garden instead. Should I draw a bath?”
Lan Xichen shakes his head and he feels tears sliding down the side of his face. “Not at all. I want to be here with you.”
Jin Guangyao looks even more distressed by that answer. “You are here with me. Will you not say what is on your mind? Whatever is the matter? We can talk through it together like always.”
“I’m sorry. I just had a nightmare is all,” Lan Xichen manages to say, feeling his chest tighten mercilessly. His tears come like rainfall, slowly at first then suddenly altogether.
Jin Guangyao puts down the knife and wipes his hand on his clothes. He walks over and cups Lan Xichen’s face, raising himself on the tip of his feet and capturing his lips. Lan Xichen sighs into the kiss and finds his arms automatically wrapping around his waist, bringing him closer to further deepen it. He closes his eyes and pours all his shame, regret, guilt, joy, elation, sorrow, and love into it. Despite hearing the sharp inhale from Jin Guangyao at the intensity, Lan Xichen grips his clothes tighter and continues to capture and recapture those sweet lips, leaving nothing between them.
Slowly they pull apart and Jin Guangyao searches his eyes. “Just a nightmare?”
“Mn.” Lan Xichen does not meet Jin Guangyao’s eyes and instead hums against Jin Guangyao’s hairline.
Jin Guangyao wipes away more tears from Lan Xichen’s face and kisses the corner of his mouth. “You’re awake now. And even if I cannot be there while you are asleep, I’ll always be there when you wake.”
Lan Xichen nods and smiles for the first time that day. Jin Guangyao feels the corners of his mouth mirroring his husband’s expression. Lan Xichen lets him go and nods, “I’ll tend to the garden. You finish up here.”
Lan Xichen walks out and finds a wooden bucket by the door for fetching water. He heads down to the river and walks back up to observe their modest plot of farmland. He starts watering the vegetables and finds that he automatically can recall which plants need more water than others. He easily moves up and down the crop lines, just managing to finish the last plant before Jin Guangyao calls his name from the open window.
They come together at the floor table. Lan Xichen looks over the side dishes and then says, “You… you used to make this for me all the time at the brothel.”
Jin Guangyao nods, “Mn. You said you loved this dish. But once we became cultivators. I never could make it for you again. There wasn’t time back then.” Jin Guangyao watches Lan Xichen’s guarded expression and asks, “Do you not like it anymore?”
Lan Xichen shakes his head and picks up his utensils, “I still love it.” When he brings the soup to his lips, it tastes exactly the same as before, warm and comforting, washing over him with nostalgia.
Their life together here has no responsibilities or haste. They spend every day doing menial tasks to get by, but it is more happiness than Lan Xichen thinks he deserves. Setting up fishing traps, tending to their field, picking berries in the forest. All of it are luxuries they could not indulge in before. Walking with hands intertwined. Kissing openly without fear. Laughing together with no reservations about appearance. Those were forbidden luxuries too.
Jin Guangyao hums in thought, “We might need to set up fencing to keep those rabbits out. As cute as they seem, they are a bit of a menace to the garden. The deer as well.”
Lan Xichen smiles faintly, “Alright then. Maybe we can get some fencing then.”
Life without cultivators, swords, wars, diplomacy, politics, reputation, alliances, arranged marriages, sect responsibilities…
All of those turned to nothingness like sand blowing in the wind.
It was so utterly perfect Lan Xichen could nearly believe it.
Nearly.
Lan Xichen has learned one lesson from life. If anything is too perfect, it cannot be true.
“I cannot wait for tomorrow.” Jin Guangyao says as he gets ready to go outside. Lan Xichen watches him from inside the house, almost standing in the doorway. But he hesitates to cross that threshold and meet Jin Guangyao on the others side.
This was not real.
Jin Guangyao smiles up at him. “Those strawberries are nearly ripe enough to pick. If you and I harvest them tomorrow then I can try to create a strawberr--”
“We cannot.” Lan Xichen murmurs.
“What do you mean? You want to do something else tomorrow?” Jin Guangyao asks, comes closer to Lan Xichen.
Lan Xichen closes his eyes and rights himself with reality. “No. We cannot because… because you are not real. ”
Jin Guangyao hums softly, “Hm? What does that mean, Xichen?” He reaches out and brushes his fingers with Lan Xichen’s. Lan Xichen interlaces their fingers and firmly grasps his hand. He gives it a small squeeze and tries to memorize the way their palms fit together, the way their fingers entangle. He feels the weight of it and brushes his fingers over the top of Jin Guangyao’s hand, noticing that even despite working every day, his hands have kept their soft elegance.
Lan Xichen opens his eyes again. His voice breaks the atmosphere and causes time to be suspended. He shatters the walls of this dream, shredding at its foundational fibers by uttering his next words.
“You are buried deep beneath the ground. So deep no one can ever find you or think to unseal you again. You are locked away with my only other sworn brother. Not even Inquiry can call you back to me. ”
It is the first time Lan Xichen has ever spoken those words aloud. Yes, of course he has heard many others before him speak those words into existence but he himself has never had the opportunity to admit aloud. Everytime he tried, the words would become seized by his despair, creating a hard and heavy weight in his chest that would never allow him to take a deep breath. Many others have tried to plead with him to move on because the only unrefutable truth was that Jin Guangyao was dead.
And with that thought, the guilt comes crashing back onto him, overwhelming him with their fervor. He felt like drowning in the black tides that were dragging him under.
But Jin Guangyao’s voice breaks through the darkness. “You have tried to call me with Inquiry?”
Lan Xichen whispers, weathering the storm of grief. “Every single night.”
Jin Guangyao hums and squeezes Lan Xichen’s hand back, bringing himself closer. “I see. Then what are we doing here?”
Lan Xichen puts his forehead to Jin Guangyao’s and nuzzles it softly. “Today is the Ghost Festival. I lit an incense burner last night. You are not here. This is what…” This is what my heart desires most. The entire fabric of this dream is everything I’ve thought upon in seclusion. What I wish I had done that day at the temple so that we could live like this.
Jin Guangyao meets Lan Xichen’s eyes, “But even Wei Wuxian managed to come back to life although Inquiry could not reach him. How do you know I am not the real soul of Jin Guangyao?”
You were always like that… Did I ever know if who you were? Did I ever know if you were real with me? Even after death would I know you?
Jin Guangyao murmurs, “Lan Xichen, am I a dream or a reality?”
Lan Xichen searches those eyes that shimmer with such clarity that he nearly believes he has really called back Jin Guangyao’s soul. “Does it matter? I would give anything… anything to make you here and mine. ”
Jin Guangyao laughs softly, “Lan Xichen, you have gotten too bold. Where is your Lan composure?”
Lan Xichen reaches over and runs his fingers through Jin Guangyao’s hair, “I once upheld that Lan composure until the very end and I will spend a lifetime regretting it. In this dream, I do not wish to be collected if it means I cannot have you.” He watches as the beams of sunlight that peek through the tree canopy give an ethereal glow to Jin Guangyao’s skin. We could have had this . “I am nothing but regrets.”
Jin Guangyao looks back with just as much intensity and murmurs, “Tell me, so that you can be more than this burden. So that you can move on from this.”
Lan Xichen looks to see if there is any hatred or anger in Jin Guangyao’s eyes. But there is none. Whether Lan Xichen is truly so desperate to be forgiven that he imagines Jin Guangyao this way or… or… or under some impossible circumstance, Jin Guangyao is before him with no resentment… Lan Xichen cannot know. But he still takes a breath and speaks, “What shall I speak of?”
Jin Guangyao asks gently, “Where are we?”
Lan Xichen smiles tiredly, “Together.” He wraps his arms slowly around Jin Guangyao and tugs him closer. “We aren’t anywhere. I had never imagined a place in particular. Just anywhere we could be together.”
Jin Guangyao hesitates before asking the next question, “And in this life we are husbands?”
Lan Xichen nods his head slowly, resting his chin on Jin Guangyao’s head. “We are,” he rasps out.
Jin Guangyao continues, “Then does that mean you don’t hate me for what I did to you? For everything at the temple.”
Lan Xichen closes his eyes and nearly curses the Gusu Library for having these incense burners. This felt too real and tender. “It means that I wish I could’ve done this instead.” His throat feels raw as those words claw their way out. “I think both of us walked away with some scars following that incident. But it never stopped me from wishing for this.”
Jin Guangyao kisses Lan Xichen’s collarbone lighter than the sunlight hitting them. “Why did you come here, Lan Xichen. Why did you call me?”
To say that I love you. To apologize for what I did. To say thank you for saving me.
Lan Xichen says none of those things and all of them at once.
“To say goodbye, A-Yao.”
Jin Guangyao grips Lan Xichen’s clothes and breathes out, “Do you regret loving me?”
Lan Xichen squeezes Jin Guangyao softly and whispers, “I regret many things in my life. But as much as I’ve tried, I cannot seem to regret this.”
Jin Guangyao inhales sharply before murmuring himself, “Neither can I.”
Lan Xichen knows he does not deserve to hear those words. This must be his own imagination acting out. There is truly no way… that the real Jin Guangyao could ever feel this way.
“You refuse to spare me even a single breath of your life.”
“But I’ve never even thought of harming you!”
Somewhere in those words spoken out between bloodied lips and broken hearts… was there really room for forgiveness.
Jin Guangyao laughs softly. “Lan Xichen, you think so loudly. You only think of your regrets. How can you never reflect on our joy?” He tucks himself into the bend of Lan Xichen’s neck and listens to pulse of Lan Xichen’s body. “ I was happy with you. I was. ”
The first time they had met, Jin Guangyao had rescued Lan Xichen from the very grips of death. The last time they had met, Jin Guangyao had saved Lan Xichen from suffering the same fate as him. This time, Jin Guangyao had saved Lan Xichen from himself.
Lan Xichen really was too shameless.
Lan Xichen wakes gently from his dream. He slowly pushes himself up into a sitting position and looks at the incense burner. The incense stick has just reached its end, the dying embers giving off the last of their smoky scent.
He had not at all, expected these to work when he had grabbed them from the library the day before the Ghost Festival. But then again, maybe they truly hadn’t worked. Lan Xichen reaches over and picks up the remaining incense sticks and turns them over in his hand.
He truly had no idea what was in the incense sticks and it most likely was not a good idea to keep or try the rest. He had been foolish yesterday as he had impulsively picked them up without even thinking if it was truly possible to have a dream with someone who had been sealed away. In fact, he had not really known what to expect from the incense sticks. All he had known was that today would have made a decade he did not attend the Ghost Festival. Another year he would not have sent out a single water lantern for Jin Guangyao.
And now...
He stands with the incense sticks in his hands to return them back to the Gusu Library Pavillion.
Lan Xichen finishes the last stroke of Jin Guangyao’s name on the water lantern. He places down the calligraphy brush and stands up the lantern. He was lighting two this year. One each for both of his sworn brothers.
He had been afraid some years how it would appear if he lit one for Jin Guangyao. But it didn’t matter to him now.
He lights the lantern candle with a match and pushes them gently onto the water, watching them float away.
In the end, he hadn’t been able to put back all the incense sticks. Keeping just one for himself. Either as a momento or maybe the following year he would…
Meet Jin Guangyao again...