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Crush always making me feel like I got nothing to offer
But I'm the only one that can make you feel right
I'm the only one that you think of at night
Baby, don't lie
Phil wants the courage to beg those two words. He is tired of being a standby option.
He is especially tired of being a standby option for someone who may genuinely like him back, for once.
You're always talking to me like you're totally bothered
So why you always ring at the end of my line?
Don't you got a girl that can make you feel nice?
It's a dead sign
Dan has claimed that Phil accepts him in a way that no-one else does, that Phil is his first true break from feeling shunned by the world. Phil has been there for many of his bad days, his episodes, his insecurities, his breakdowns, and throughout it all he has wished that he could provide a shoulder to cry on in more than just a metaphorical way.
Once, through broken sobs following a self-described ‘biblical’ argument with his father, Dan even revealed that he didn’t know if he really was bisexual. Phil’s heart thumping in his ears and the dread freezing his innards were only relieved by the explanation which followed.
“I don’t know, man- like I’ve kissed girls before, I’ve had a girlfriend for longer than most of my mates’ve, but… I don’t think I’ve ever really loved them or wanted to fuck them. Does- does that make me gay?”
Babes always flirting away, getting every number
And you can have your fun 'cause I know that it's fake
I know when you're done you'll come running my way
So I let you…
One of the problems is that Phil can’t tell if Dan is flirty by nature, or flirty for him specifically. Phil might be the main interest on Dan’s scene, as clear to both him and others who laugh at and praise their cheeky exchanges on Dailybooth.
But there are still several hundred people with direct access to Dan’s online presence, ultimately his very being. His midnight Twitter rants, his Formspring secret spillages, his R-rated Dailybooths in all their near-naked splendour.
Phil likes to think that much of what Dan says and does is for him, he knows that it’s very much the case on his side of their growing bond. That doesn’t, however, guarantee that someone else won’t swoop Dan off his feet and steal his heart before Phil even has a chance.
Phil doesn’t want or need to restrict Dan in the slightest. He doesn’t require him to ‘reserve’ himself as heterosexual logic might dictate, to never show an inch of skin to anyone else again. Attention is attention and it’s human and it’s fine, it really is. All he wants to know is the guy’s intended audience, whether he seeks general attention, or… that of someone in particular.
...date everyone and complain that you can't find a lover
'Cause I'm the only one when the chemistry fades
I'm the only one at the end of the day
Kinda cliché
It’s almost funny. His eighteen-year-old self — hell, even his twenty-one-year-old self — would never have thought that he’d ever end up caught in such a Twilight-esque love triangle. Why are straight people never just honest with each other? It’s not that hard, I know I’ll do better when my time comes!
But life is cruel. It takes pleasure in hammering hard lessons into the naïvely arrogant.
Dan loves his girlfriend as a friend, but from his own mouth, not as a boyfriend should. He’s lonely, and to his credit, he has expressed deep guilt over the fact that he can’t give his girlfriend what she wants. She loves him, or at least she did. Sharp jokes about how apparently unlovable he is aren’t rare from Dan’s mouth.
Phil’s sympathy is there, it always is for Dan, but it’s limited. His desire to wrap his hands around that beautiful neck and throttle him because the answer is right here, I’m right here! is strong, to say the least.
You see me as your lifeline
Other boys and girls never really made you feel right
And you can't explain why I'm always running your mind
Don't you see the answer's right in front of your eyes?
Dan has said in passing once or twice that he’s ‘done things’ with guys before.
Phil knows he doesn’t have the right to be jealous, as cliché as this predicament is. Dan is his own person who has had eighteen years to get to know and be familiar with other people.
But deep down, he yearns for the meaning of ‘done things’ to not extend beyond casual snogs, and even the thought of Dan snogging a guy who isn’t him has already sent him down quite a few moody spirals. He counts on the time when Dan used the same wording about girls, and what ‘done things’ came to mean then was just kissing over Spin the Bottle .
Another small light in the dark is the first deep conversation they ever had, the one which has since led to almost nightly heart-to-hearts. There were long stretches of comfortable silence just spent watching each other. But there were also some confessions.
Dan was quite clearly hesitant to say it, but Phil was quick to soothe his nerves and assure him that, “Nonono, Dannnnnnnn, Danny, stop it, you’re fine! I know exactly what you mean, it’s the same for me: I-I can’t stop thinking about you, either.” Your messages, you are the highlight of my day, the long hours spent waiting for you to finish your work-shifts are completely boring and meaningless to me now.
And they are to you as well, if I’m reading the signals right.
I'm the one you're coming to when you're feeling alone
And I'm the only one who's gonna pick up the phone
Looking for the one but it's me all along
Choose me
Baby, I'm the one, yeah, that's something you've known
No, I'm not a quitter, yeah, I get what I want
Playing with your heart 'cause you give me the throne
Choose me
They flirt — there is no way to sugarcoat it — and Phil thinks he’ll never have so much fun with anyone else, not when the perfect match is already here, taking obvious delight in every second of playing, suggesting, teasing and tantalising.
Phil can never go back to life before Dan now. Yes, he’s probably being dramatic, but his heart is completely deaf to any intervening sense of logic or self-preservation.
Dan does things to him. Other people thirst over Phil, he’d be a fool to deny that what with the flings and interesting conversations he’s had over the years, but Dan is so fundamentally different to the rest of them. He often says that Phil is his safe haven, the only one to truly accept him, but from Phil’s perspective, it’s in reverse. Dan is the one who listens to his stories with interest in his eyes and amusement in his smile, the one who always calls Phil ‘weird’ as if it’s the greatest compliment in any known language, the one who has equal fondness and admiration for every part and trait of Phil’s he knows thus far.
There was one night where something turned different thereafter, Phil thinks for the better. They were both slightly tipsy off a mixture of wine, exhaustion and four hours of soaking each other in over Skype.
Dan took his shirt off, claiming the heatwave was too much for him. Phil felt brave and drunk enough to ask through his giggling how a mere twenty degrees counted as a heatwave. Dan noticeably did not provide an answer, too distracted with his own sly laughter.
Phil is a simple guy. If a fit lad takes off his shirt, he indulges in some sight-seeing. He didn’t bother hiding how his eyes caught on that sharp clavicle, those big brown nipples, that cute little tummy button; in return, Dan didn’t bother hiding the shy grin that spread across his face as he watched Phil’s expression go dark.
Dan chuckled. “What are you thinking, Philly? What do you wanna do to me? What do you want?”
And god, even then, even now, are there so many things Phil wants with Dan.
He wants the liberty to speak his mind. To tell him without hesitation how perfect he is, how every different laugh of his is like the first ray of sun warming his bones after a thunderstorm.
He wants to feel with abandon, to appreciate. Bringing himself off to near-nudes isn’t enough anymore; he wants sweat and exploration and husky chuckles and many other naughty things. But he also wants gentleness; cuddles, touches, kisses with which he can pour all his affection into that stupidly lovable teddy-bear of a man.
He wants a life of more than just online friendship. He wants all of the smiles and all of the sadness in equal measure right before his eyes, right within reach of his lonely but loving hands. He wants all of Dan, as long as he gets to be right by his side.
He wants to live the fact that he might be falling in love, and he thinks that Dan might be too.
You like me, oh, obviously
So why you trying to leave when you know that I'm the king?
(You'll see)
'Cause I'm supreme
(Choose me)
He can’t deal with this ambiguity anymore. He’s had too many years of silent rejection, kisses from boys who could never love him back, nights of crying into his pillow after a crush announced jubilantly that he had a new girlfriend.
He doesn’t want to blame Dan for the suspense, the waiting, the one-sided misery. But his relationship with his self-esteem has already been a bumpy road, and he can’t convince himself any longer that not being chosen isn’t making that bumpy road more of a raging river.
At sixteen his parents took note of certain things. Girls never coming home. Complete disinterest in Martyn’s secretly stashed magazines. A certain reluctance of their son’s to engage in ‘respectably masculine’ activities. The only step they forgot was to come to the most logical conclusion, or at least what Phil thought to be most logical.
Instead, he was woken up at precisely seven-thirty one gloomy Saturday to have a ‘chat’ with his father over breakfast. What followed was an excruciating hour-long sermon on how his only problem with finding ladies was confidence — supposedly, an inherently virile trait — and that if he exerted just a little more manliness onto the world he would “find a girl in no time at all”. In hindsight, he likes to think that Nigel meant well, but it still reeked of toxic masculinity and heterosexuality, neither of which Phil needed.
Despite this, he wishes that he had that kind of bravery to put himself out there, at least beyond a dating profile that in the end brought him more trauma than it was worth.
He wishes he could ask his parents for advice, but he doesn’t have the courage to tell them directly what he’s sure they would dread to hear.
He wishes that his confidence wasn’t so diminished as it is. He can fake a quirky, flirty, extroverted online persona all he likes, it won’t change the fact that his heart hurts. He wants someone to feel moved by him.
And he knows that his value as a person should and does not rely on what one other person thinks of him, that thinking this way is unhealthy. But from the bottom of his heart, he truly cannot help it. When someone calls him amazing or interesting or hot or any of the rest of the wide plethora of descriptions Dan has given him, he wants to know that they mean it. He wants to fall in love and receive something in return, the joy of knowing that there is something on their side too.
Is there anything on Dan’s side at all?
Other lovers give you no luck
'Cause I'm the only one that has made you fall in love
(You'll see)
So just shut up
(Choose me)
No, there is something there. Phil might be a tad insecure and most certainly scared, but he isn’t stupid.
There is something between them that is definitely not between Dan and other people, at least as far as Phil knows. The woes they’ve shared, the laughter, the tears, the interests, the struggles, the pining. Hands reaching out to one another while blocked by a screen and a country’s distance.
But ultimately? The truth is there, however ugly it may be: something needs to happen. This limbo won’t last, it’s unhealthy and dangerous for everyone involved. There will come a breaking point for someone, and Phil is terrified that it will be at his expense. There are only so many tears he’ll spend on love before he is forced to give it a cold shoulder for his sanity’s sake.
Could Dan’s girlfriend leave him? Could Dan decide that he is gay, and leave her?
No. Perhaps his father is right: maybe he needs to be the one to make a move, maybe he shouldn’t spend his life waiting for others to get him what he wants. He wants Dan, so it’s up to Phil to get him.
He wants a reprieve from this uncertainty. He wants a clear answer. More than anything in the world, he wants the courage to beg those two words.
Choose me.