Work Text:
2:56 AM
That was what the clock on Wonshik’s nightstand read. Which meant another sleepless night.
Usually when this happened, Wonshik read a book and fell asleep to the soothing sound of Sanghyuk’s snoring. But since everyone moved, there was no Sanghyuk there. So no steady snoring to fill the deafening silence.
Trying to sleep now would be pointless. So the rapper got up and out of his bed.
He currently lived at his entertainment. He didn’t live here alone, yes, Inseob lived here as well and while Wonshik did like the other artist, toured with him and all… he didn’t trust him on that level yet.
Because the reason why Wonshik couldn’t sleep was because of his mental state. He felt it getting worse day by day. It was the stress, the pressure, the work… and of course being separated from his brothers.
It was great fulfilling his dreams like that, don’t get him wrong. But Wonshik had never been a leader until now. He could always rely on their CEO to make everything work, could rely on Hakyeon to be there for them… and now he was the one everyone relied on and came to. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the feeling of being needed. He liked it.
But he wasn’t used to it so his brain tried shutting down slowly. Which wasn’t good.
Wonshik went into his studio room and sat down, white lights turned on as he just looked at his surroundings. The room was bigger and more equipped than his previous studio room. But it was different… new. He did bring his old furniture and decorations with him but the familiarity wasn’t quite there yet. The blinders with the ugly brownish red color weren’t there… as well as the tiny crack on the third tile on the right above his couch. Small details that he couldn’t possibly take with him to his new studio room.
As well as the memories he had to leave in his old studio and the dorm… as much as Wonshik loved change, it also scared him. It scared him how fast time could move. So much happened in just the blink of an eye. He could swear it was just yesterday when he got Sanghyuk as his new snoring roommate or when his hair was dyed red for the first time in 2012. It felt like just half a day ago that they first got on stage with colored contacts or a few hours ago that they got their first win. Yet at the same time it felt so distant, so unreal. Thinking about how much actually happened in the past ten years of his life Wonshik felt weird.
Wonshik wouldn’t call this a feeling of nostalgia. Because he didn’t feel nostalgic. He felt sick. He felt his stomach sink, the world turning dull. He felt like he didn’t live his life to the fullest.
This wasn’t nostalgia this was a mid life crisis at 27.
And, damn, did he miss his brothers.
He hadn’t seen Hongbin in weeks, Sanghyuks schedules were to busy, Taekwoon tried to spend every free minute he had with his family before he had to enlist, Jaehwan was busy with musical and solo work… and Hakyeon… well, he was in the military.
Sometimes Wonshik hated himself for being a rather distant person. He couldn’t show affection the way others did, he had his own ways of doing so. Emotions were more irritating than anything for him.
But every once in a while they overwhelmed him and he felt his heart ache with the need of love and affection that he usually found to be too much.
Which led to people expecting the bare minimum of him and in return only giving him their bare minimum.
That was normally a good thing. It was easy, light, no pressure, it was what he needed.
But it was nights like this one where he wished for the opposite. To be held, cuddled, told how good he was doing, how much he was loved.
The one that usually gave him that kind of affection at just the right time with just the right amount was Hakyeon.
God he missed Hakyeon so much… why did he always have to treat the other with such dismissive behavior when he showed his leader-love? He felt bad now. Felt regret. Felt the need to make it right. But he couldn’t. Hakyeon wasn’t with them. He was busy serving the country and it would be that way for the next few years. Which meant Wonshik couldn’t make it right for at least two years. He really just wanted to prove to Hakyeon how much he loved him then and there. But he couldn’t and he knew that and that just made everything so much worse.
His thoughts kept spiraling into a direction that wasn’t anywhere near okay. It made his head spin, his vision blurry. Wonshik knew exactly that in the worst case this could end with a panic attack. Something he just couldn’t have right now.
Quickly he got up. A change of scenes would mean a change of thoughts, right?
He went back to his room, got Eongdongie and his leash, put on some shoes and went outside. A walk in the fresh, cool air would probably do him good.
The streets outside were void of any life. There wasn’t much light outside except for the street lanterns and two or three occasional cars. When looking up to the sky, Wonshik saw nothing but darkness, the city’s light pollution hindering Seoul from seeing the stars.
When was the last time Wonshik had seen the stars?
It reminded him of that one time he and the others had driven to film the “The Closer” music video. They drove through some country sides and all six of them were amazed when they saw a sky overfilled with stars. Their manager even had to stop the car so they could get out and stare at the night sky like some children. It had been the first time Wonshik had seen the Milky Way in the sky. It had been beautiful and he remember the joy he had felt from sharing that moment with his brothers. Back then Hongbin had noticed Wonshik and had understood that the view had done something to him and had held his hand, reminding him of the bond they had, making the moment even better.
But right now he was on a sidewalk in Seoul. Alone with his dog. No stars visible. No Hongbin to be by his side in this moment of emotional vulnerability.
Suddenly his skin felt too tight, his chest too empty and the air in his lungs too cold.
He must’ve zoned out then, his legs carrying him by muscle memory because without realizing Wonshik found himself in front of their dorm. The one that Sanghyuk would move out from soon.
According to the group chat the maknae was visiting his friends though. So he wasn’t home.
What Wonshik did now wasn’t right, he knew that, but he punched in the code for the apartment complex and went inside, upstairs and into the apartment that was locked by another passcode.
Wonshik stood in the doorway, dog running free, as familiarity washed over him. He closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly to take in the feeling.
Though that seemed to have triggered something because suddenly he felt his throat closing and his eyes hurting, heart beating faster and louder, head aching.
It hurt being here because he knew it would be gone soon. Completely. Because if Sanghyuk moved out the apartment would be sold to a new owner. Vixx wouldn’t have a place to live in together anymore.
With existential fear becoming more prominent and the panic attack rising Wonshik stumbled into his and Sanghyuk’s old room - which was now just Sanghyuk’s room - kicked off his shoes and slid into the maknae’s bed.
He curled in on himself, hugging the blanket tightly and pressing his face into the pillow. Sanghyuks smell filled his senses and calmed him down. It felt like coming home. It was a soft, familiar and gentle smell. It got rid of the panic attack but tears started flowing anyway. It was the effect the youngest had on him. He was a great little brother and had a presence of a soft bear: strong, calm, reassuring. Though Wonshik hates relying on him since he was younger, Sanghyuk always calmed his nerves simply by being around him and being his usual, smiley self.
Sometimes when Wonshik had nights like these and the world became to full, too loud, too much and he couldn’t handle himself anymore, Jaehwan found him and held him. Usually Sanghyuk went to get the singer but Wonshik liked to believe that Jaehwan had this seventh sense that made him find Wonshik at times like these. He then would hold Wonshik, gently caress his back, play with his hair, his hands, while singing soft songs. His voice was angelic, clean. It was a voice Wonshik knew and trusted. If it was Jaehwan, Wonshik could always calm down and go back to sleep. The next morning no one talked about it, no one pressed on or treated him differently. Everyone knew this was something that happened sometimes and forcing the rapper to talk about everything would make it worse so they just treated him like always and waited until he opened up himself. It didn’t matter if it happened after an hour, a week or never. They trusted Wonshik to know that he could always get the support he needed.
But then again… it wouldn’t happen this time. No safe haven in the form of his brothers being around him at home. Just him being alone in Sanghyuk‘s bed, staining his pillow with tears.
It had never been this bad. Because this time he knew there wouldn’t be a good ending. Knew that this was it, things were never gonna be the same again.
Wonshik slowly started losing his sense of reality. He just kept feeling dizzy, didn’t really smell anything anymore, his limbs felt heavy, he didn’t register any sound anymore. All he could feel was the cotton blanket on his skin. And it just hurt him. It felt too rough, too hot, too much.
Which meant he didn’t notice that he wasn’t alone in the apartment.
There was someone else that got woken up by Eongdongie. Someone that was confused at first but then went looking for the dog’s owner. Someone that found Wonshik and was by his side and pulled him in his arms quickly.
“I’m here, Wonshik…”, the soft high voice of Taekwoon spoke as he held the other tightly. “It’s okay…”
Wonshik started sobbing, clung to his hyung desperately and didn’t even know who it was that held him. But the tight hold the other had on him slowly brought him back to reality.
His eyes slowly started focusing again as they searched for the elder, red and wet, some tears still flowing. “Hyung….?”
His voice was rough from crying and his throat still hurt, still felt tight. He was also a little confused.
“Why are you here…?”
Taekwoon was wiping away Wonshik’s tears gently, giving him a soft but sad smile.
“Technically, I didn’t move out yet…”, he replied, his angelic voice so soft and gentle.
Wonshik loved that voice more than any other. He loved that face, those eyes… ever since he and Taekwoon has gotten close, the singer had a very special place in his heart. For a while Wonshik had even believed he loved the other romantically. But those feelings had died quickly and he felt nothing but admiration for the man. Taekwoon was his anchor. Grounding him, holding him when he needed him. Taekwoon understood Wonshik the best. He got him like no one else did. Wonshik never got tired of the other’s presence. It was different… and Wonshik liked it.
Wonshik wanted to talk… he wanted to tell Taekwoon what had kept him up tonight. What had brought him here. But Taekwoon just gently shook his head. He knew. He could feel it. He understood.
He pressed a soft kiss to Wonshik’s temple and held him close again as they laid down properly. It was a sign. It meant Taekwoon wanted him to rest and sleep.
Wonshik felt calm… he felt like himself again. No matter what it was… it was going to be okay because Taekwoon was here with him. He wasn’t alone. He never was.
It would be okay.
His eyes felt heavy and he felt so exhausted. They fell closed and slowly he drifted off to a peaceful, dreamless slumber...