Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jisung was confused.

At first he had though that Minho was just joking whenever he pushed him away, when he would ignore him or when he kept making these passive-aggressive remarks, but the ‘’I’m just kidding’’ never came? He didn’t get it and it wasn’t really funny anymore.

Jisung moved to rest his head on top of Minho’s and like usual, the older didn’t complain about it. That was the part that was so confusing. If Jisung had tried anything off camera Minho wouldn’t have accepted it, but now people were watching so it was suddenly okay.

Minho had traced his fingers over Jisung’s knee earlier, drawing invisible patterns, and it had made Jisung forget for a second, made him forget that everything had slowly, but surely, had started to crumble.

And with that feeling, Jisung allowed himself to hope that, maybe, this time would be different. Maybe everything would just turn back to normal. So he stayed like that until almost the end of the vlive.

He vaguely noticed that things were coming to an end and Jisung felt his breathing hitch, already dreading the moment the camera would get turned off.

It always went the same lately. Minho and him would be stuck together when the cameras were on and people assumed that they were indeed soulmates and best friends off screen, but that couldn’t be further from the truth as Minho would make a one-eighty as soon as it was done.

At first it had all been fine. They really had been best friends since that time that Minho suddenly had to rap and Jisung had held his hand, but somewhere along the way Jisung had noticed that things had started to change.

It was small things at first, like playfully pushing Jisung away whenever he tried to hug the older, so small that Jisung had played it off as Minho trying to be funny or just being tired. Things had started to escalate when Minho started to lowkey insult him in front of others. Minho wasn’t the type of person who’d do that and that had led Jisung to think that maybe Minho was just pranking him.

Big time.

However, it had been denied when, one day, Jisung had asked him to stop and it caused anxiety to deeply root itself in Jisung.

He tried to push his thoughts away and focus on the comforting warmth that radiated from Minho. He had always liked that about the older. People called him cold but it was far from true, for the most part that was.

Jisung had been so stuck in his head that he almost missed the que to say bye.

He could already feel Minho tensing up and Jisung didn’t hesitate to distance himself, knowing that the older would probably shove him away if he was still stuck to him after the live ended. It had happened before and Jisung didn’t want to repeat that experience.

Deep down Jisung knew that he was just refusing to see the facts, that it wasn’t just Minho playing him.

Before he knew it, he heard the other members yell their goodbyes and he joined in without even thinking about it, as if he was on autopilot. The live got cut off and just like Jisung had feared, Minho got up as fast as lightning and went over to sit on the other side of the room.

Jisung would be lying if he said that it didn’t hurt. It was silly, really, but he couldn’t help noticing the way his heart dropped. It had happened so many times by know that Jisung had lost count. However, each time still hurt as much as the one before, maybe even worse.

The other members dispersed slowly after that, probably to get rid of the layers and layers of make-up and to change into their own clothes and Jisung was left on the couch alone. He observed the other members happily chatting away as the manager told them to hurry up, saying he wanted to actually get home at a decent time because he hadn’t seen his family for three days straight.

And Jisung couldn’t help but feel a bit left out and alone at that moment. It was stupid, even he knew, but that thought only seemed to make the stinging of his eyes worse.

‘’Jisung! Get changed kid! We’re leaving in five!,’’

Jisung rapidly blinked in an attempt to get rid of the excess liquid that was coating his eyes and quickly got up, ignoring the curious looks of the other members as he grabbed his clothes and stalked off to the changing-room.

The car ride back to their dorm was killing him. It had been a while that he had felt so disconnected from the rest and that was bad. What was even worse was that Changbin and Chan seemed to notice. Jisung could practically feel their eyes burn on the back of his head and he had to will himself to keep looking out of the window, pretending he wasn’t replaying the way Minho had practically ran from him today.

They finally arrived and the manager yelled something about them having practise at seven tomorrow morning before wishing them good night and driving off. Jisung followed the other members as they climbed up the stairs, mentally cussing out the lift for being out of order. His condition was okay, but that didn’t mean climbing up the stairs after a long day didn’t leave him heaving for oxygen.

He only realised how tired he was after they had stepped into the dorm. The day had been quite hectic, every minute filled with recordings, interviews and whatnot and Jisung remembered he had pulled an all-nighter last night, which he really regretted it now.

It seemed like the lack of sleep suddenly caught up with him and his head started pounding, making him wince at the sudden ache.

He dropped his bag in the middle of the living room and made his way to the kitchen, knowing that he probably also didn’t drink enough water today. He always struggled with that, always had, so he thought that it would be best to force some down his throat before reverting to painkillers.

It was after he had downed two glasses when Chan suddenly walked in, coming to a stop near the sink and adjusting his stance so that he was leaning against the counter, his arms folded.

‘’Everything okay Sung?,’’

Jisung noticed the worry in Chan’s eyes and he knew that he was probably not getting away anytime soon. Chan was always perceptive and if there was something that worried him he would go out of his way to figure out what the root of it was.

Jisung set down his glass and put on his best smile despite the way his chest contracted. It always did that whenever Chan ask, so genuinely, if he was okay.

‘’Yeah, why?,’’ Jisung responded, albeit a bit too shaky for his liking.

He saw that Chan wasn’t really convinced, but the leader looked tired, a purple shadow under his eyes, so he was probably not going to get into anything deep right now.

‘’I know you through and through so I highly doubt you’re okay Sung. You know you can talk to me whenever you want yeah?,’’

Jisung knew he had to get away now if he didn’t want to break down right then and there. He had always been weak to Chan’s sympathetic look and it sure was really working against him now.

So Jisung just nodded, not trusting his voice.

‘’Good. We’ll talk more tomorrow okay? For now, just get a good night’s sleep,’’ Chan softly said as he made his way over to Jisung, ruffling the younger’s hair before walking out of the kitchen.

It was when Chan disappeared out of sight that Jisung let the first drop escape.

That prompted him to get moving. He wasn’t about to have a mental breakdown in the middle of their kitchen at two in the morning.

He hurried towards his room, clumsily picking up his bag from the floor before opening the door to his room.

The lights were off and Jisung could hear soft snores surrounding him. It wasn’t strange to see that the others were already out cold. He stumbled around as he tried to change into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt without turning on the light.

It took him five full minutes before he lay down.

For some reason, he started to feel even worse. Now that he was laying there in the dark, the only one awake, he allowed himself to let go.

And when he did, there was no stopping.

The tears flowed down his face like a waterfall and Jisung struggled to keep the sobs trapped inside. It had been a long time since he had felt this horrible and for a minute he considered sneaking into Minho’s room and slip under the blankets next to him, but then he remembered he couldn’t do that. Not anymore.

A pitiful sound escaped his lips and he quickly covered his face with his hands, making sure to stifle his soft whimpers.

The darkness grew heavier and heavier and Jisung knew from experience that it was useless to fight it. It was useless to try and rationalise whatever the heck was going on. He just had to give in, let it happen and accept he was going to have a horrible time until he passed out from exhaustion.

Trapped in his head, he wondered what the hell was going on with Minho. He wondered what it was that had made the older change so drastically.

This god damn voice in his head was getting louder and louder the more time passed, yelling at him, telling him that Minho was tired of being friends with him, that Minho had figured out that Jisung wasn’t good enough to be friends with. Jisung knew that probably wasn’t true, but he still listened. He always did.

As his mind was spiralling down and his world was narrowing, Jisung vaguely registered rustling coming from his left. Suddenly he felt his mattress dip, the sound of the little lamp clamped to his bedframe getting turned on and fingers gently running through his hair.

That made everything even worse and he couldn’t stop an ugly sob from wrecking through his whole body.

‘’Shhh, it’s okay Hannie. I’m here,’’

Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was a god-blessed gift and Jisung wondered how he had been able to hate the older so much in the past. Hyunjin was a literal angel when it mattered, sweet and loyal to the bone.

He didn’t know how much time passed, but at some point the tears stopped, leaving him strangely numb. Still, he didn’t move his hands away from his face, too tired to deal with the pure adoration and concern that he was sure was present in Hyunjin’s eyes.

‘’Sweetie, let me see your face,’’

Jisung shook his head but this didn’t seem to deter Hyunjin as Jisung’s hands got pried away, leaving him gazing up at Hyunjin.

‘’Hey,’’ Hyunjin whispered, a gentle smile gracing his lips.

Jisung sniffled and Hyunjin took it upon himself to dry his face of any remaining tears. The gesture was so comforting, so affectionate that Jisung immediately felt way better.

‘’Why is our little squirrel so upset?,’’ Hyunjin asked as he held his hand glued to Jisung’s cheek.

‘’Quokka,’’

‘’Hm?,’’ Hyunjin replied, his finger’s once again finding their way into Jisung’s hair.

‘’I’m a Quokka,’’ Jisung whispered as he closed his eyes.

God, was he tired. He noticed it now that Hyunjin’s warmth made the voice quiet down and his muscles relax.

His response earned him a giggle from Hyunjin and the sound made him smile a bit.

‘’Well, my apologies Mr. Quokka. I wasn’t aware you were a Pokémon that could evolve,’’

And Jisung really couldn’t stop himself from bursting out laughing. Hyunjin joined him and it felt good. Positivity. It felt good.

‘’Shut up,’’ They heard Jeongin quietly grumble from the other side of the room, his voice muffled by the heavy blanket that he had pulled up to his nose.

Hyunjin whispered a ‘sorry’ to the maknae as Jisung tried his best to keep his giggles down.

‘’Sleep Sungie. Tomorrow is a new day,’’

That’s what Jisung loved so much about Hyunjin. He was always ready to comfort, to show love and affection when needed but he never pushed. He never tried to dig when it wasn’t wanted, even though he hated not knowing what was going on. Hyunjin was curiosity itself but he never gave in whenever there wasn’t room for that.

*

As soon as Jisung opened his eyes he could feel how puffed up his face was. He just knew that the other members were going to tease him about it, not knowing it was that way because he had broken down last night. Again. Like the good old times.

He let out a sigh and rolled to his left to grab his phone and check the time. It was still completely dark and he could hear the soft snores of the other members in the room, informing him that he was probably awake way too early.

It happened sometimes, him going to sleep at an insane hour only to wake up just a couple of hours later, no matter how exhausted he had been.

Five AM.

He groaned as he ran the numbers through his head, coming to the conclusion that he had slept, maybe, two and a half hours. Nowhere near enough, especially since it had been like that for almost the last two weeks.

He put his phone back down and turned on his back, pulled up his blanket and closed his eyes again in an attempt to fall back asleep.

It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t.

Once Jisung was awake he was awake.

He let out another sigh and pushed the blanket off his body, the chilly air in the room causing goosebumps to form on his skin. To Jisung that was always the most difficult part of getting out of bed in the morning.

Because he didn’t want to wake up the other members at such an ungodly hour, he kept the lights off as he stumbled though the room, pulling a hoodie over his head. He made it out mostly unshattered, only bumping into an open drawer and almost tripping over the maknae’s bag. It was when he softly closed the door behind him that he let go of the air in his lungs.

It was even colder outside the bedroom and Jisung was glad he had put on a hoodie and didn’t bother to change out of his sweats. To be honest, it was just an excuse to make himself feel better about the fact he had been too lazy to change right after waking up.

Jisung came to a grinding halt as he stepped into the living room.

On the couch were Chan and Hyunjin, a big mess of tangled limbs as they seemed to be asleep. It wasn’t weird to find Chan there, it had happened a lot of times that the older came back to the dorms early in the morning and just pass out on the first thing he could find, but Hyunjin was a different story.

He was sure that Hyunjin would be dead asleep in his bed, especially after Jisung’s little breakdown last night, but he wasn’t.

Jisung looked at the clock on the wall and it showed him that it was now five twenty-three.

He didn’t get how the two had ended up here at this hour. For a second he thought about waking the two up because he was curious, but decided against it only to take pity on their backs the next second.

They lay in such a weird position that Jisung was sure their whole body would hurt if they stayed like that for much longer. So with soft steps, he made his way over to the two and kneeled down next to the couch.

Chan was a light sleeper even though he barely slept so Jisung gently shook Chan’s shoulders.

‘’Hyung. Wake up,’’

The older groaned before he opened his eyes, blinking a few times to get them to work. Jisung had to stifle a laugh while he observed their leader trying to register where he was. Chan was rarely cute, but that didn’t mean that he never was.

Apparently the sound made him aware that there was someone next to him and Chan’s head wiper to the side, his eyes now finding Jisung’s.

The older shot up, effectively shoving Hyunjin’s legs off the couch and thereby waking up the dancer.

‘’Good morning,’’ Jisung said as the two finally seemed awake.

‘’What time is it?,’’ Chan asked, rubbing his face.

‘’Ehhhm, almost half past five,’’

The answer made Hyunjin whine and he let himself fall back into the couch, closing his eyes. Chan had the complete opposite reaction, springing up from the couch.

‘’What? What are you doing awake so early?,’’

Jisung shrugged, not really feeling like admitting that he, again, had trouble to stay asleep. It had started happening a few weeks back, the same time Minho had decided to give him the cold shoulder, and he had told Chan about it because he had promised to do so years ago when he had the same problem.

The older had been worried, of course, but didn’t bother him too much about it because it would rarely happen and only when he had slept enough hours the night before.

However, it had now reached a point where it didn’t matter how tired Jisung was or how much he actually needed it.

Chan let out a sigh and rubbed his face again as he sat back down.

‘’You feeling better?,’’ Hyunjin suddenly asked, his eyes now open and scanning Jisung’s face.

Jisung stood back up, his knees cracking when he did so.

‘’Yeah. Sorry about that,’’ He replied, plucking the skin around his nails to avoid looking at the two.

‘’You don’t need to apologize sung,’’

It fell silent after that until Jisung remembered he had this burning question in his head.

‘’Why were you guys sleeping here?,’’ He asked as he looked back up.

‘’We talked and must’ve fallen asleep at some point,’’ Hyunjin answered, the look between him and Chan not going unnoticed by Jisung.

He figured they must’ve talked about him and that didn’t feel so good. Sure, he knew it was just because Hyunjin cared that he had informed Chan about what had happened, but it still felt a bit like Hyunjin had betrayed his trust.

‘’Sungie, what has been going on in that head of yours?,’’ Chan whispered.

Jisung was not going to have this conversation right now. Preferably never if he had a choice.

‘’Nothing, really,’’

‘’Jisung,’’

He flinched at the sternness of Chan’s voice. Chan barely used the tone, only when he deemed it highly necessary, which meant Jisung wasn’t going to get away so easily.

‘’You haven’t been yourself for weeks now. We’re not dumb Jisung. We know something’s up and you’re not telling us,’’ Hyunjin added.

It was two-against-one and Jisung felt himself getting shaky, a bit stressed and panicky.

And suddenly he felt like crying again as he thought about Minho.

Jisung wondered when he had gotten so emotionally unstable that the mere thought of the older hurt so much. He used to be so damn good at rationalising, detaching his feelings from the situation to a, probably, unhealthy degree, that something like this wouldn’t have bothered him.

His eyes were stinging again and it made Jisung feel like a little kid. He was an adult and he shouldn’t be crying so often. It was pathetic.

‘’What are you guys doing here?,’’

Jisung didn’t need to turn around to know who had joined the three of them in the living room.

‘’Nothing much, just being awake,’’ Hyunjin responded.

Jisung would have laughed at the stupid reply if it weren’t for the fact that he could feel how his muscles tensed up and the air grew dense.

‘’Very funny,’’ Minho deadpanned, ‘’I understand why Chan would be but not you and squirrel-boy,’’

The nickname sounded so cold, the way he had said it so distant that it shocked Jisung a bit and even though his brain screamed at him not to turn around to face Minho, he still did.

It was the biggest mistake he could have made because as soon as his eyes met Minho’s, he couldn’t keep in the tears anymore. Minho’s eyes widened and Jisung though he saw his body tense up, but he knew that it was probably a trick of the barely-present light.

Minho was so close yet so far away that it frustrated Jisung. He missed him so much. So very much.

Jisung didn’t even bother to hide it, the way his heart dropped at the realisation, a little whine escaping his lips before he hid his face in his hands, the comfort of the soft sleeves of his hoodie making everything ache even more.

On instinct, which Jisung seemed to act on a lot lately, he dropped to a crouch and curled himself up in a little ball.

For what felt like forever, the only thing Jisung could hear were his own pitiful sobs until there was warmth radiating from something in front of him.

‘’Sungie…,’’

Then there were arms around him and for the second time in less than six hours, he let himself grip unto Hyunjin as the older boy drew smoothening patterns on Jisung’s back with warm and gentle hands.

Jisung figured he had officially reached a breaking point. He had been stretched thin and couldn’t hold the weight anymore. It was black, everything was black. Going down and down, the walls closing in on him, trapping him.

Jisung hadn’t even noticed he had started hyperventilating until Hyunjin pulled pack and pried his hands off his face.

‘’Jisung, breathe,’’

But he was?

‘’You have to focus on breathing Jisung, you’re only making it worse,’’

Jisung really was trying but his lungs weren’t listening. He commanded them to expand, to take in as much oxygen as they should be able to carry but they rejected it, following their own will.

Now Chan was sitting in front of him as well, saying something but it was too far away for Jisung to figure out the words. The look in both Hyunjin’s and Chan’s eyes screamed worry at him and it only made him feel worse.

By now the tears of sadness had been replaced by tears of frustration. Jisung didn’t know what was going on, struggling to get his lungs to function normally. It was scary, really scary.

Suddenly he got pulled to his feet by two steady hands on his upper arms. The sudden action made Jisung a bit dizzy and he did find the strength to curse at whoever had pulled him up. Well, in his mind.

His vision cleared a little after the initial dizziness and he was staring right into Minho’s eyes. Before he could even think about it, he got dragged to the bathroom. He almost tripped if it weren’t for Hyunjin and Chan following closely.

‘’Minho! What are you doing?,’’

Jisung was already shoved under the shower when the question registered in his brain.

What was he doing here?

Everything felt off and weird.

His question got answered when a piercing cold ran through his body, his muscles tensing at the sensation. The shock that followed zapped him out of his head, the pressure gone in an instant. It was both relieving and concerning at the same time, the way everything felt a bit clearer was strangely uncomfortable, like he had suddenly been woken up from a bad nightmare that left him still shaky.

‘’Minho!,’’ Jisung finally recognized the voice as it being Hyunjin, ‘’Are you crazy?!,’’

The sound of water hitting tiles was what snapped Jisung out of whatever was going on, forcing him to refocus and It was then that he realised he was standing in the shower, fully clothed, the shower head above him pouring ice-cold water down on him and someone holding him there.

His mind started clearing up and with that he could finally feel the air he was sucking in settling deep into his lungs. The burning slowly disappeared and so did the grip on his arm.
He groggily looked to his left and was met by something he didn’t every expect, or wanted, to see.

The three were standing in the middle of the bathroom, just a few steps away from Jisung and Hyunjin had the collar of Minho’s shirt in a tight grip, his knuckles already turning white and his face red and very close to Minho’s.

‘’What the hell is wrong with you!,’’

Hyunjin’s words bounced of the walls and entered Jisung’s ears in and unpleasant manner, making him, unintentionally, curl into himself ever so slightly.

Minho didn’t even seem to be bothered by Hyunjin’s outburst and just kept his mouth shut as his eyes were focussed on the wall behind Hyunjin’s head.

‘’Hyunjin, stop it,’’ Chan looked like he was stressing out about the situation, trying to pry Hyunjin’s fingers off Minho as he made an attempt to worm himself in between the two.

This went on for a few seconds before Jisung felt another shiver run through his whole being. He knew he should turn of the shower, but somehow his arms didn’t follow through with that realisation and that freaked him out a bit. His head was clear enough to understand that it didn’t have any control over his body even though it should and that made his heart beat a bit faster again.

‘’guys…,’’ He croaked out, his ears barely picking up his own voice. Of course he wasn’t loud enough to carry over the yelling of Hyunjin and Chan’s stern pleas for Hyunjin to stop.

Jisung didn’t know how it exactly happened, something like lightning striking, but suddenly Felix and Seungmin were standing in the little bathroom as well, making the space way too overcrowded.

‘’What is going on here?,’’ Seungmin asked as he took in the sight with angry eyes, the look softening into worry instead when he looked at the three and then at Jisung, who was still shivering away under a running shower.

‘’Jisung!,’’

Jisung jolted at that, screwing his eyes shut as he silently wishing for everyone to just stop shouting for a second.

It was Felix who pushed the others to the side, effectively breaking up whatever was going on as he stepped towards Jisung. The shower got turned off and Felix placed his hands on Jisung’s cheeks and the latter noticed he couldn’t really feel Felix’s skin touch his.

‘’You’re freezing!,’’ The freckled boy exclaimed as he pushed Jisung’s wet hair out of his face, ‘’Oh my god, your lips are all blue!,’’

It was as if Jisung finally acknowledged how cold he was, his teeth starting to clatter as his whole body was shivering.

Felix mumbled some more as Jisung saw the younger move away, push the other member to the side harshly and grab some towels from a drawer before returning to Jisung.
The others remained silent, Jisung feeling their eyes trained on him as Felix gently but quickly pulled Jisung’s hoodie over his head before draping a huge towel over his shoulders.

God, Jisung didn’t think he’d ever felt so cold in his entire life. Well, maybe not, thinking back about that time he had stayed behind in the studio, only to come back to the dorm with the lock malfunctioning and leaving him outside in the snow for a good thirty minutes before someone picked up their damn phone and let him in.

Still, it came close.

‘’What were you thinking Sungie?,’’ Felix asked as he grabbed another towel and started drying Jisung’s hair.

He felt like a kicked puppy and he was sure he looked like it too, judging by the looks on the faces of the other members.

What was he supposed to say? Just go like, ‘’Well, I kind of started panicking because Minho hates me and now I’m freezing,’’ ?

No, that wasn’t going to do anything.

He wasn’t going to bother other people with whatever was going on inside his head and outside of it.

‘’This guy over here,’’ Hyunjin started, pointing at Minho as he did so, ‘’thought it was a good idea to push Jisung into the shower and turn the thing on,’’

Jisung’s head was finally free of the towel and he could see that Hyunjin’s face was slowly getting red again as he glared at Minho. The older didn’t seem very impressed but Jisung did catch him flinch at Hyunjin’s tone.

‘’Don’t be so dramatic. None of you knew what to do so I thought I’d help out,’’

There was more quarrelling and more towels and Jisung didn’t even bother to stay focussed. He had been so awake but now he was tired as hell and the gentle treatment Felix was giving him made some of the coldness in his bones disappear.

‘’I want to go to bed,’’ Jisung whispered as he looked down, still in his soaked sweats.

Luckily, Felix caught up on it as wrapped his arm around Jisung and slowly guided him to the door. The members parted like he himself was Moses, creating a path for him and Felix even though Jisung was pretty sure the bathroom was too tiny for that.

‘’I’m going to make sure Jisung doesn’t get hypothermia and put him back to bed,’’ Felix said loudly as he pushed Jisung out of the bathroom, ‘’When I get back, you guys are going to explain what the hell is going on. Got it?,’’

If Jisung wasn’t so tired, he’d probably have been intimidated by Felix’s sudden stern aura even if it wasn’t directed at him.

‘’Han, I’m sorr-,’’

‘’Shut it,’’ Felix cut Minho off.

And with that they were out of the bathroom, Jisung letting himself get pushed into Felix’s and Seungmin’s room, trying his best to dismiss that Minho had called him by his last name. He was going to protest and tell Felix he should go to his own room but the look on his almost-twin showed that it wasn’t up for discussion. It was probably because Jeongin and Changbin were still asleep and Jisung agreed with sleeping in Felix’s bed, not wanting to accidently wake up the two.

So Jisung didn’t complain as Felix helped him out of his cold and heavy sweats, drying him off and handing him pyjama-pants and a t-shirt.

A few minutes later Jisung was tucked away, the covers up to his nose as Felix hummed, running his fingers through Jisung’s hair.

Jisung could feel his mind starting to wander off and grow muddy, informing him that he was on the verge of falling asleep.

‘’Thanks, Lix,’’ Jisung mumbled, not having enough energy to open his eyes to look at the other.

‘’Any time Sungie,’’ Felix whispered back, ‘’Just sleep. I’ll be here,’’

And with that Jisung let himself smile before giving in to his exhaustion.

*

The tension was overwhelming. At least, to Jisung. He already felt sorry for the stylists as he could feel how damp his skin was already.

He tried to ignore the song that blasted through the big space, so loud that it reached backstage where they were currently waiting, their staff checking them over and over to see if everything was like it should be.

Jisung softly mumbled the words to his part as he went over the moves. They had been preparing for this for months and Jisung knew they were ready. They were always ready.

So the fact that he suddenly felt so nervous about it all was strange and unsettling, a feeling he didn’t really have since their debut. Most of the times he was just exited, filled with good adrenaline, but never… fear.

Fear of messing up, fear of , fear of the member’s disappointed looks, irrational fear of Minho snapping at him, telling him how much he f*cked up.

He didn’t want that.

Jisung looked around and saw the members spread out around the area doing whatever they needed to do to feel ready. For Woojin and Seungmin that meant warming up their vocal-chords, Hyunjin going over the same move over and over again to make sure it was perfect, Changbin mouthing the words to his part just like Jisung did, Chan going from member to member to see if he could help out with something and Minho…

Minho was just talking to some of the back dancers. Jisung had to admit that it hurt a bit that the older had gotten so close so quickly to the guys, but Jisung understood. After all, Minho used to be a back dancer as well so he could probably relate to the guys.

What made it hurt though, was probably because the older was laughing. Loudly. It was a weird thing to feel upset about but the way he laughed reminded Jisung so much of the times they had been attached to the hip. Minho rarely really opened up to people, let alone laugh that freely.

Jisung had been proud and happy that Minho used to reserve that for when it was just the two of them, rarely letting himself go around others.

He couldn’t deny that he felt jealous as he eyed the rowdy bunch.

‘’Three minutes!,’’

That snapped Jisung out of his thoughts, noticing he had been staring at Minho the whole time. He quickly looked back towards the stage, glad that Minho hadn’t caught him and he took a big breath. Now that he was back in the present, the nerves kicked back in.

He had barely slept last night, probably the result for sleeping almost the whole day yesterday. It had been far from ideal, but apparently he had needed it after the whole mess.

When he had woken up it was already late in the afternoon and the dorm had been empty, only a note left behind that the members were at practise and had convinced the company that he had a serious fever and thus was in no condition to do anything accept sleeping.

Jisung had been incredibly bored and sluggish for the rest of the day, barely able to keep his eyes open as he had tried to write. He had ended up just doodling on the pages, trying to come to terms with the fact that the panic attacks had started to make a comeback.

It was well into the night when the others came back, looking exhausted and sweaty. Jisung had managed to have a late-night dinner ready for them - if you could call ramen dinner – and they had gratefully downed it, complaining about the choreographer drilling them for hours and hours.

Even though they were tired, Chan had insisted that he would do the dishes. Jisung already felt guilty for skipping out today and tried to get the leader to understand that it was only fair that Jisung would do the cleaning-up, but Chan wouldn’t have it, saying that Jisung needed sleep more than he did.

In the end they had all gone to bed without even addressing what had happened that morning, not even Changbin, Jeongin or Woojin, who had slept through everything.

Jisung knew it was going to happen at one point, he could feel the tension hanging in the air but there was simply no time in the near future. Their schedule was way too packed to properly sit down.

Thank God.

‘’You ready to go?,’’

Chan’s voice was almost inaudible over the music pounding through the speakers, but still loud enough for Jisung to understand.

Was he ready to go? Probably not. He still felt a bit off and no where near confident as he missed out on practise yesterday. It was stupid to think that one practise less could really do significant damage, after all, they were in the middle of promotions and had done the stage quite a lot of times already, meaning that he knew he could do it. He knew it but he was more nervous than when they had their comeback stage.

‘’Yeah, I’m good,’’ he yelled back, trying to look as confident as he could.

He saw in Chan’s eyes that he didn’t really believe him but they both knew that there was nothing the leader would be able to do at this moment anyways, so he just got a soft nod and a little sigh in response.

Just like that, Chan was gone again, probably off to calm his own nerves by asking someone else if he could help with something.

Jisung bounced on his feet hoping it would stop his mind from wandering off into oblivion before checking if his mic was securely wrapped around his head. He glanced back at Minho and the older was now no longer surrounded by dancers, a serious look now on his face as he stretched.

The music stopped and before Jisung knew it, Chan had gathered them, his arm stretched forward. The rest followed quickly, the fact that Minho placed his hand under everyone else’s instead of just on top of Jisung’s stung, but at this point it wasn’t surprising. They did their yell before the staff ushered them on stage.

They took their position and the lights dimmed before coming back on as the music started to play.

Jisung wasn’t aware of what he was doing, his mind fuzzy and not present at all. He relied purely on muscle memory and hoped they were doing whatever they were supposed to be doing.

It went well, he thought, until his vision began to get a bit… hazy, making him bump into several members as he powered through. He tried to ignore their worried and annoyed looks as frustration began to gnaw at his insides, telling him that he was severely f*cking up everything.

He told himself, no, screamed at himself to get his act together, to ignore the way his lungs were starting to burn, to ignore the way his feet seemed to drag across the stage.

Another step and he came eye-to-eye with Changbin, who looked at him confused before his eyes narrowed. Jisung knew he wasn’t supposed to be here, he was supposed to be behind Changbin, not next to him.

It was a mess.

Somehow he managed to get through the whole thing without messing up even more. The music ended and the lights dimmed again, informing them that it was time to get off stage. And Jisung did just that as he sprung up and walked past the other members, almost tripping over his own feet as he walked down the little stairs behind the stage.

The rushing of footsteps behind him informed him that the others were not far behind him.

‘’Jisung!,’’

Jisung didn’t feel up for listening to the complains of the others, their disappointment in him would be too unsettling to see, too… confirming of what was already going through his head.

He made it to the end of the stairs before a hand landed on his shoulder and halted him. He let out a sigh and tried to plaster his best smile on his face before he turned around.

‘’Are you okay?,’’ Woojin asked, his eyes scanning Jisung’s face, ‘’I think I speak for everybody when I say that you didn’t seem to be all there just now,’’

Jisung could see the others peaking over Woojin’s shoulder, looking all just as confused and worried as the older.

Even Minho, which Jisung found strange.

But it wasn’t really, was it? After all, Jisung had just single-handedly ruined their whole stage. Of course Minho would be worried about it.

Jisung looked back at Woojin, knowing that the older expected some kind of answer.

And just like how Jisung knew best, he reverted back to his usual response.

‘’I’m fine, just really tired,’’

His lips twitched as his muscles felt so strained that his face actually started to hurt a bit.

Before anyone could say anything more, a random staff member appeared and shooed them of the stairs, yelling at them that they were obstructing the way for the next group.
Being the responsible leader that he was, Chan muttered a string of apologies, the rest soon following, as he urged everyone to get moving. The tension was unbearable as they walked through the hallway and entered their waiting room.

Before the door could even close, Jisung figured he had to get away. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was but the way his fingertips were starting to tingle gave him a bad feeling.

‘’I-I’ve got to go to the toilet,’’

The others were already busy with getting rid of their excess clothing, trying to cool themselves down but they had stopped as the words had left Jisung’s mouth.

‘’Someone go with him,’’ Chan replied, not even looking at Jisung as he handed the jewellery he was previously wearing to their stylist.

Oh. Now that was not something Jisung wanted.

‘’No, it’s fine. I’ll be back in a sec,’’

Jisung felt a bit proud at how steady and convincing he had sounded.

‘’You don’t have a say in this Jisung. I’m getting tired of you saying you’re fine when you clearly aren’t so I’m not giving you a choice,’’ Chan spat out, turning towards Jisung.

Jisung was too shocked at the sudden outburst to even flinch, his eyes growing bigger instead.

Somehow that hurt more than it should’ve. Chan rarely raised his voice to anyone but Jisung had managed to make him, effectively shutting up everyone present in the room, even their staff.

‘’Minho, you go with him,’’ Woojin cut in after having made his way over to their leader and placing his hand on the back of his neck.

‘’Why do I have to be the one?,’’ Minho replied and Jisung did notice how he tried to sound angry but severely lacked bite as his voice almost faded out into a whisper.

‘’Minho,’’ Chan growled back.

It was final. There was no talking back and Minho seemed to get that just as much as anyone else.

So Jisung ended up being almost dragged to the bathroom, Minho’s grip on his upper arm almost hurting. However, Jisung did nothing and just let the older even if it only made the turmoil in his head grow messier and messier.

Minho was making him stressed, the tingle in his fingers now slowly traveling up his arms and turning into a burning ache as it reached his lungs.

At the same time, Minho was comfort. His hand wrapped around Jisung’s arms was painful, as well as grounding, keeping him in the present.

And that constant fluctuation of feelings was tiring him out.

‘’Hurry up,’’

Jisung snapped out of his thoughts and looked up from the floor, noticing that Minho had let him go and was holding open the door to the toilet.

‘’Y-yeah, sorry,’’ Jisung replied, moving to dart past Minho as he kept his eyes from looking back at the older.

However, before he made it into the bathroom, he could hear Minho whispering something under his breath.

‘’No, wait, I’m sorry Sungie…,’’

Jisung’s breath hitched and he stopped dead in his tracks, now standing awkwardly between the doorframe and Minho.

He was sure he was hearing things, he was sure he was losing his mind so he didn’t look at Minho as he stepped into the bathroom and turned around to shove Minho’s arm off the door.

‘’I-,’’

The door slammed shut now that Minho was no longer holding it, leaving Jisung in silence and on his own in the small and too-white room.

His laboured breaths echoed around him, trapping him in the sound of his breathing speeding up. It made him want to curl up in a little ball and hide away. But he couldn’t do that and that only made his lungs contract even more, his breathing turning into little gasps.

And that made him painfully aware of the fact that he was starting to panic, again, and that he had to stop it. So he kept repeating it in his head over and over again, kept repeating that everything was fine and that he had to calm down.

But of course that only made things worse, it only made the voice in his head louder, yelling that he was pathetic for reacting this way, for letting whatever Minho had been doing get to him.

His vision began to swim as thick tears rolled down his cheeks and he gripped the sink in an attempt to ground himself.

In the midst of him crumbling, Jisung had the sudden epiphany that he was back at square one. All those years of working on getting better, mentally… wasted. He had worked so damn hard to feel better in his own skin, to get rid of those moments where pure fear and terror overwhelmed him, he had worked so hard to open up to people about it.
And he knew the cause of it and that it was incredibly unfair to point fingers for his setback. It was his own damn fault. He had been the one that had taken ‘’letting others help him’’ to the extreme, to the point of being so emotionally depended on others. On Minho.

Jisung gripped the sink even harder as he kept fighting against the inner turmoil, trying to use his head to rationalise away whatever was going on. Who was he kidding, he knew damn well what was going on but he just didn’t want to admit it. No, he really didn’t want to.

And Jisung thanked every god in existence when the voice ebbed away and his body stopped shaking, leaving him only to deal with the fire in his lungs and the watering of his eyes.

A knock on the door made his heart spike again as he feared that someone was going to walk in and catch him, broken, before he could temporarily put himself back together again.

‘’Jisung?,’’ He could hear Minho say, his voice muffled and distant because of the door.

Minho was the last person Jisung wanted to see right now as the tears were still streaming down his face, messing up the make-up that was still on his face. He just wanted to forget even if it was for a few minutes. He didn’t want to think about anything.

So when the door opened and the older stepped in, stopping in his tracks as they made eye-contact through the mirror, Jisung couldn’t help but let out a pathetic whimper. He knew he looked like a mess and he really wanted to disappear. He wasn’t supposed to be like this. No one was supposed to see him like this.

He looked at Minho through the mirror, not having enough strength or courage to actually turn around to face him, and the sorrow in his eyes made Jisung want to cry even harder.

‘’I.. I’m really…,’’ Minho started off but never finished whatever he was going to say.

Jisung looked down and noticed his knuckles had gone sickly white from gripping the sink so hard. The burning in his lungs got replaced by a dull ache around where he knew his heart was and he knew he really couldn’t do this right now.

So without thinking twice about it, he opened up the tab in front of him and splashed the ice cold water in his face before turning it off and turning around.

Minho was still rooted on the spot but looked like he was going to move any minute now as he finally blinked, but Jisung did what he did best and dashed past the other, not caring if he left Minho standing in the bathroom looking like a lost puppy.

*

Jisung only registered how off Minho had been behaving once he was laying in bed, the rest of the members long gone as he replayed the day over and over in his head.

Minho had actually talked to him. Not much, but for once it hadn’t been jokes or jabs and that was exactly what got Jisung so confused all the time. It was days like these that Jisung had trouble with accepting that him and Minho being best friends wasn’t a thing anymore.

If the other just blatantly hated him, Jisung could just hate him back. But things weren’t so simple and that weighted him down.

It was when Minho looked at him like the older regretted something, like something made him sad, that gave Jisung hope. Hope that things would get back to normal.

But then it would change the next day and it would break Jisung again and again, the cycle starting all over again.

He couldn’t do it anymore, he just couldn’t. Not when it was taking such a toll on him. He knew it was not doing his sanity any good.

It was when he could hear birds chirping outside that he realised he had spent the entire night thinking, missing the opportunity to sleep and he groaned as he dreaded the rest of the day. The lack of sleep was surely going to come back to bite him in the ass.

He did try to close his eyes for whatever remaining time he had before they had to get up and leave for practise, but he soon gave up as he could hear the shower running in the distance, telling him that the others were starting to wake up as well. There was no way he could focus on sleeping with all the stumbling in the house.

So with a little pep talk, Jisung managed to get through his whole morning-routine.

And just like he had expected, there was no trace of yesterdays Minho, the way the older kept ignoring him was a dead giveaway.

*

Jisung was so, so tired. His whole body ached and his brain felt like mush as he tried to keep up. It was almost impossible by the time they got to their seventh run-through and Jisung knew it was showing.

After all, it was hard to miss when he bumped into Jeongin, following it up with completely skipping a step.

Whenever he made a mistake, his head would automatically turn to Chan to see if the older had noticed. Their eyes would always meet and Jisung could almost feel Chan’s disappointment stabbing him like a rusty knife.

It wasn’t so bad at first and Jisung knew that Chan was just giving him a chance to redeem himself. However, he could almost taste the tension on his tongue as his limbs grew heavier and his vision fuzzier, knowing full well that it was only a matter of time before someone was going to reach their max and call him out.

He knew he had lost control completely when he suddenly noticed that he wasn’t moving, just standing in the middle of the room as the music continued to blast through the speakers. Once again, he looked at Chan and the older halted his moves.

The rest followed suit, looking around with confused faces as Chan stalked over to the laptop and turned off the music before he walked back, stopping a few steps away from Jisung.

Chan’s eyes were on fire.

And that was when Jisung knew that he was screwed. Sure, everyone messed up once in a while but there just wasn’t any time for that. Their schedule was so damn packed that they barely had time to actually practise their choreographies.

Jisung had messed up big time and by the look on Chan’s face he knew that it was going to be bad. Really bad. He knew that he wasn’t in a good place mentally ever since that night Hyunjin caught him and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle whatever Chan was going to say.

‘’Jisung, focus will ya? You’ve been butchering everything and it’s really slowing us down,’’

Aah.

That hurt.

Jisung couldn’t help but hang his head, a heaviness settling in his heart, dense enough to make him feel like the walls were closing in on him. He knew that Chan was right and that it was only fair that the leader had called him out, but the harshness was something Jisung hadn't seem coming.

‘’I really tried to be understanding the last few days but this is getting ridiculous. Get it together,’’ Chan said, his voice too loud for Jisung’s ears, making him flinch as he kept his eyes trained on his shoes.

Jisung nodded, knowing that his voice was probably going to give him away if he tried to use it.

‘’How about we take a little break? Get something to eat and drink and continue later? I think everyone could use it,’’ Woojin chimed in.

It was only then that Jisung looked back up.

Chan softly agreed, avoiding eye contact with Jisung, and was the first one out of the door once he had told them to be back in half an hour. Woojin and Hyunjin following soon after.

As if he was on autopilot, Jisung walked over to the wall before he led himself slid down, pulling up his knees to his chest and laying his head back against the wall.

He was so tired.

‘’Sung, you want something from the store?,’’ Changbin suddenly asked.

Jisung look to his right and saw Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin and Changbin standing in the doorway, looking at him and waiting for him to answer. He just shook his head to let them know he didn’t want anything before he lay his head back again.

He could hear the rest stumble out, leaving him sitting on the floor. Jisung noticed how he and Minho were the only ones left in the room as he saw Minho make his way over to the laptop, hunching over and selecting a song to blast through the speakers before he moved away and to the middle of the room.

It was after one measure into the song that Jisung realised it was a song that he had recommended to Minho months ago, telling the older how insanely good it was. Minho had listened to it patiently as Jisung looked at him with sparkling eyes, waiting for Minho’s feedback.

And that made Jisung’s heart drop to his stomach because Minho had told him he really liked it and that, if he had the opportunity, he would choreograph something, which he apparently had.

It was ‘’their’’ song.

It stung.

It stung so bad that Jisung slowly got up from the floor and just let everything crash over him. It was with the onset of every negative emotion and feeling that Jisung realised he couldn’t take it anymore. He was sick and tired of suddenly being treated so coldly by the one he used to feel the most comfortable with. He was done with spending night after night wrecking his brain for answers, of tip-toeing around the older whenever they were close, done with the countless pity-parties he threw for himself.

The more he thought about everything, the angrier he got.

He was done.

‘’What is your problem?,’’

Jisung waited for seconds, which felt like minutes, but Minho didn’t seem to acknowledge the fact that he was there. The older kept his eyes trained on the mirror, fluidly moving to the music that was blaring out of the speakers.

Jisung knew he had been loud enough for Minho to still him over the music, so the fact that he was simply getting ignored really hurt. And that only pissed him off even more. He stalked his way over to the laptop and stopped the song, filling the room with just Minho’s pants.

Minho finally turned and took a few hurried steps until he came to a stop in front of Jisung, his eyes narrowing as soon as they made eye contact.

‘’What do you want?,’’

Jisung had to try his best not to shrink at the look in Minho’s eyes, directed towards him. He had never seen that look on Minho, let alone it being directed at him.

‘’Why do you hate me so much?,’’ Jisung asked, his voice almost cracking at the end. He hadn’t intended to ask it, but his subconscious apparently found it necessary. Now that he had asked it out loud, he was scared of Minho’s answer. He was scared to older would confirm it, making it a fact. A fact Jisung then would have to accept no matter how much it hurt.

Minho recoiled back, seemingly surprised ,‘’I don’t hate you, Jisung,’’ he sighed, closing his eyes before opening them again a few seconds later.

‘’Well, with how you’ve been acting it sure does look like it,’’

Minho seemed to think for a second and Jisung thought he was imagining the sadness that flickered in his eyes. It must have, because soon he was being glared at. Again.

‘’Do you like me?,’’ Minho asked.

That was a weird question. Of course Jisung liked Minho. Well, he wasn’t so sure when he looked back at the last couple of weeks but he really used to. But who was he kidding? He would always like Minho, no matter what the older did or said. And Jisung knew that Minho was probably aware of that. After all, he had told him such, months back when he had broken down in front of Minho after a very sh*tty week, so he didn’t get what exactly the older was asking him.

‘’Come again?,’’

Minho rolled his eyes and to Jisung, the little action was the same as being called dumb. Sure, he wasn’t the brightest but he felt… belittled.

‘’Don’t play dumb. I asked if you like me?,’’ Minho said loudly, his voice bouncing off the walls in the room.

Jisung could feel the agitation in him built. Minho wasn’t much of a talker, wasn’t very eloquent when it came to voicing his thoughts or feelings so Jisung knew that there was a deeper meaning to the question. However, Jisung didn’t have enough patience to slowly figure out what was going on in Minho’s head.

‘’Are you deaf or something?,’’

Oh.

Oh wow.

That was so wrong. That was such a wrong thing to say and it really set Jisung off.

‘’We used to be friends so of course I did! I really don’t get what answer you expect of me!,’’ Jisung burst out.

He was so confused.

Jisung felt his body tremble a bit and his breathing was too shallow.

‘’Jisung, just say it. I know already,’’ Minho said.

What did Minho know?

‘’What are you talking about?,’’

‘’I know you like me, more than a friend Jisung,’’

The hell?

He had not seen that one coming.

‘’What the f*ck Minho,’’ Jisung’s face contorted, ‘’What made you think that?,’’

‘’Because everyone says so. Staff, fans, our members,’’

To say Jisung was baffled was an understatement. Sure, he knew that people joked about the two of them orbiting around each other, taking jabs at the fact that they call, or called, each other soulmates, but he would have never believed that Minho would actually take those at heart.

‘’I don’t. What the hell Minho!,’’

Apparently Minho seemed to understand that he had maybe made a mistake as Jisung saw his eyes widen.

‘’But everyone-,’’

‘’So you just decided to believe that without even asking me?,’’ Jisung cut him off.

This was ridiculous.

‘’Well, yes? You are always so clingy so it did make sense,’’ Minho responded, his voice now way less loud than before.

Clingy…

Jisung subconsciously took a step back, staring at the floor as the word settled in his brain. It didn’t sound good. It had a negative connotation. Very negative.

Jisung had always been one to show affection in a physical way. Even though he was the one that was known as the ‘’sentimental rapper’’, writing most of the lyrics of their songs, he sure as hell was bad in conveying his appreciation through spoken words. Hence the ‘’clinginess’’.

‘’Do you have any idea how stupid you are?,’’ Jisung shot back, his voice almost cracking at the end. Luckily it went unnoticed by Minho.

‘’I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea,’’ Minho almost whispered as he took a step closer to Jisung, resulting in the younger taking another one back.

‘’I think it’s you who got the wrong idea,’’ Jisung mumbled back, ''How did you come to the conclusion that just dropping me was a good idea?''

He could feel his eyes stinging again and tried everything in his power to keep it in.

‘’Okay, maybe I should have handled it better. I’m sorry Jisung but tell me what the great Jisung would have done,’’

Jisung knew that jab was intentional and that made it so much worse.

When they had just debuted there had been so many comments, calling Jisung arrogant and self-centred, overconfident even. Jisung, who always really tried his best to put others first, had been afraid. He had seriously started doubting himself. Maybe he really was too confident? Maybe he was self-centred?

It was when he had stumbled upon a comment, something along the lines of ‘’Han really gets too much credit. He must think he’s so great. People should stop feeding him baseless compliments. I really hate people like that,’’

And that had led to him breaking at some point. It had been Minho who had picked him back up, telling him not to listen, to ignore everything and that he deserved to get complimented.

‘’We wouldn’t have even been in this situation if it had been the other way around because I would have come to you to clear things up! I wouldn’t just have assumed things based on what other people say,’’

Hell, if it indeed had been the other way around Minho would have probably been able to, unintendedly, guilt-trip Jisung into dating him. Jisung knew he was a people-pleaser most of the time and he valued Minho too much to reject him. Jisung just knew he would have done anything to make sure that Minho was happy, maybe partly in an attempt to ease any accompanying guilt that would have come with rejecting the older.

‘’... I know you would’ve,’’ Minho sighed, his eyes softening.

This time Jisung was sure that he didn’t imagine the look of regret on Minho’s face.

‘’Yes, I really would have Minho, because I would have not been able to just push you off a cliff like that,’’

Jisung looked back up at Minho and instead of seeing that angry glare, he was met by soft eyes, darting in all directions, scanning Jisung’s face.

‘’Jisungie, I-I’m really sorry okay? I Just didn’t know what to do and I di-,’’

‘’Shut up,’’ Jisung growled, effectively making Minho halt, ‘’Stop making those pathetic excuses,’’

And he could see on Minho’s face that the older finally understood the magnitude of the problem, how bad he had f*cked up.

For a split second Jisung felt sorry for reacting the way he did, but then he remembered how they had ended up in this situation.

The thought that their friendship had apparently been so shallow, so fragile to Minho that something like rumours and jokes were more than enough reason for Minho to drop him, to ruin it all in such a ugly way, was just insane to Jisung. Moreover, that the older had blatantly believed what other people had fed him only confirmed for him that their friendship had been unstable from the beginning.

Jisung felt the anger leave his body, just to make place for that sickening feeling of being let down and he figured that’s how betrayal must feel like. It crashed over him like an avalanche and Jisung couldn’t remember he had ever felt this horrible.

He had been the first one to step up and comfort Minho when the older got eliminated.

He had been the one that had cried himself to sleep for days after Minho had packed his bags and left.

‘’Jisung?,’’

He had been the one that kept begging jyp to bring him back, even after the rest had stopped trying.

He had been the one who blamed himself for Minho’s departure from the line-up, to the point he considered quitting and if it hadn’t been for the others, holding onto him so desperately, especially after Felix was gone too, he really would’ve upped and left.

‘’Are you crying?,’’

He had been the one that embraced Minho first when they were told they were going to be nine, thanking every god in existence, crying and laughing while they clung to each other.

He had been the one that spent hours and hours with Minho, helping him out with rapping even if that meant Jisung had to push his own work on the back burner and only getting to it well past midnight. The times he had gotten back to the dorm at four in the middle of the night were too much to count on two hands.

Jisung really couldn’t believe it.

He felt his muscles relax, his mind going silent and his breathing evening out as a weird numbness took over.

‘’Jisung, I’m-,’’

‘’F*ck you,’’ Jisung deadpanned.

Jisung knew that Minho’s explanation and apology should have been enough. They cleared up the misunderstanding and Minho was definitely sorry, but something didn’t sit right with Jisung. He knew it was childish, very much so. And even though he knew that it was best for everyone to just let it go and to put everything behind him, he couldn’t do it.

Everything combined made it just unbearable. The comeback preparations, the lack of sleep, the endless work, the stress.

It made it hurt so much more.

‘’F*ck you, Minho,’’ He mumbled.

He saw the older shiver and Jisung figured it was because of how painfully sad his voice sounded, even to his own ears.

‘’Sungie…,’’

Before he knew it, Minho had his arms wrapped around him. It used to feel so warm and nice, but right now it just hurt.

Without thinking much he pushed Minho away, not missing his lip trembling.

‘’Sung, I’m really sorry! I never meant to -,’’

Jisung’s hand landed on Minho’s cheek and the older stilled, his head to the side and his eyes wide as he stared at the floor.

‘’You’re an assh*le…,’’ Jisung whispered, his voice cracking under the pressure of the sobs he was so desperately trying to hold back.

Unlike he had expected, he got pulled in for another hug, Minho holding onto him with so much strength that it almost physically hurt Jisung.

‘’Sungie, please, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you like that,’’ He mumbled into his ear.

Jisung could already feel himself breaking down, his vision getting too blurry to see properly and his legs suddenly felt like jello. He made a weak attempt to free himself from Minho’s arms but it was futile.

''L-let go,''

''No,'' Minho replied.

And that's when Jisung lost it. Ugly sobs escaped his lips and he clung onto Minho, burrying his face in the older's chest. He had missed this so much. He had missed the warmth, the nostalgic smell of Minho's weird laundry detergent that always managed to make him feel like home.

''I h-hate you,'' He sobbed out as he pulled Minho closer, his grip insanely tight as if he was scared the other would disappear again if he'd let go.

Minho's muscles stiffened and Jisung could hear him exhale a shaky breath, tickling his ear as Minho buried his head in Jisung's neck.

''I know,'' The older replied, ''It's okay,''

The way Minho's voice cracked at the end made Jisung cry even harder. He felt so bad knowing that he wasn't the only one hurt and even though it had been Minho's own doing, he couldn't help but feel like he was being selfish. Minho had explained, Minho had apologized and Minho was back to being his sweet self.

''I'm sorry,'' Jisung

And they stayed like that for minutes and then some, just holding onto each other in such a tight grip that Jisung's back was starting to ache from being bended too much, Minho's arms wrapped around his back and pulling Jisung on the tips of his toes.

But it didn't matter. Jisung didn't care.

''It's my fault, isn't it?,'' Minho muttered in Jisung's ear, his voice watery and thick.

''Hm?,'' Jisung replied, thick tears still making their way down and from the dampness on the side of his neck and his shoulder, he knew that the older was probably in the same condition.

''The panic attacks Sung. I really f*cked up, didn't I?,'' THe older croaked out and JIsung could feel Minho shaking ever so slightly.

A pang spread through his chest, Minho tightening his hold even more as Jisung ran his fingers through the hair on the back of Minho's head. Jisung didn't know what to say, knowing the older was probably going to blame himself regardless of what Jisung would tell him.

''Don't, Minho,''

''But-,''

''Stop,'' Jisung interfered. He wasn't having it, he was not going allow Minho to think like that ,''I don't blame you so you shouldn't either. We talked about this before,''

Minho didn't respond but Jisung did feel him nod and the older let out another shaky breath before he finally decided to pull away, his hands halting on Jisung's sides. Jisung looked up and their eyes met and god, did Minho look like a complete trainwreck.

And Jisung couldn't help but let go of Minho, bringing his hands up to the olders face and softly wipe away the tears on his cheeks. Minho closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and staring straight into Jisung's, causing the latter to smile.

He had missed this so much that he almost forgot anything had even happened at all. Like he hadn't felt his heart shatter over and over again, like he hadn't cried himself to sleep almost every night, like he hadn't crashed more often than not.

It was all fine.

Minho was Minho no matter what happened and Jisung could never really hate them.

Minho mirrored his smile before closing his eyes and leaning forward, their foreheads now touching. Jisung could feel himelf melt, the tension that had been building up over the last couple of weeks seeping out of his body and into space, leaving him calm and comfortable.

''Soulmates?,'' The older asked, his eyes opening ever so slightly to look at Jisung.

There was so much there. They held so much emotion that it made Jisung forget about all those cold looks and piercing gazes. It was all gone and there was only hope and affection left.

Jisung closed his eyes and focussed on the warmth radiating from Minho. They were in such an intimate position but that was what made them... them. There was nothing behind it but pure affection.

Jisung smiled and let out a approving hum.

''Soulmates,''