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“When was the last time you were in love with a woman?”
“What!?”
“When was the last time you had a passionate relationship with a woman, like Hollywood love, high school love?”
“You know the only reason I’m still standing here is because I have nowhere else to go, right?”
“I do know that, when was the last time?”
“Never, that’s never happened.”
Figuring out his sexuality was a confusing task for teenage Jim.
***
At nine years old, he didn’t pay any attention to crushes. He was much busier watching Star Trek, reading Batman and learning the guitar, the three most essential things in his prepubescent life. Girls were a distant interest: they were hard to understand and they only talked about girly things, like hair and make-up. They were icky and he wanted nothing to do with them. He lived in a no-girls-allowed bubble.
Until around the time a new kid joined his guitar lessons.
“Why do you want to play the guitar?” his teacher asked.
The kid looked at him like there could only be one reason to do anything. “So I can get girls. Girls drool over guitarists all the time on MTV.”
He’d thought that was stupid when he was eleven. No one else seemed to agree.
***
“Any girls you’re interested in?”
“I don’t know, not really,” Jim said with a strained smile as he internally groaned. If only the ground would rip apart so he could be spared from ever coming to Grandpa’s again.
“I hear around that you’re friends with the Lewis’ girl.”
“Oh, dad, leave him alone,” his mom intervened as she washed the dishes.
His grandfather didn’t appreciate interruptions. “What? When I was his age, I had already brought a girl home, and she ended up being your mother.”
“He’s fine, he’s just a bit of a late bloomer. He’ll bring someone when he wants to.”
As his mom talked, he seized the chance of escape; Jim fled to his room, where he’d left his bag and inside his most precious item: his discman. He threw himself on the bed and mouthed along to Billie Joe, the only one who understood him. Just wait ‘til all the guys get a load of me.
***
He was thirteen when Mark moved to town. He was two years older than Jim and he lived around the block.
The first time he’d seen him walking to school he’d frozen in the street and almost got hit by a car. It was like the most beautiful auburn-curls golden-skin angel had come down, still shining with the sun, and suddenly, every Beatles song made absolute sense.
When the beeping caught Mark’s attention and their eyes met, Jim’s stomach twisted with nerves and he fled the scene.
***
Around Spring, he also met Jenny Lewis, who sang in the church choir and had really blue eyes.
***
He never talked to Mark but he saw him around a lot anyway. He was part of the baseball team, both in and out of school, and helped with many of the school events. He looked really nice in uniform.
They, him and Jenny, watched a lot of baseball that year. While she screamed along with the crowd, cursing like a pro, he couldn’t take his eyes away from Mark. He became a bigger baseball nerd than he’d already been.
***
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Harper.”
“Jenny, how lovely to see you again,” his dad said from the chair once he stopped unscrewing the remote.
His mom entered the room and asked, “Will you be staying for dinner?” which only made Jim want to never be in the same room with them and his friends.
“Mom, stop suffocating, please.”
“It’s okay,” Jenny laughed. “No, my parents are coming to pick me up in an hour.”
“Well, we hope you can stay next time.”
“Stop, please.” Jim grabbed Jenny’s wrist, dragging her towards his room. He didn’t miss the smile his parents shared and he didn’t appreciate it.
***
“You play so well, Jim. You should show it off more.”
“Nah,” Jim shrugged. “I have enough with mass as is. And until I play like Hendrix, I’m not showing anyone else.”
Jenny sat closer and played with the ends of the strings he hadn’t bothered to trim. “I wish I could play like that.”
“I can teach you. It’s not hard.”
“Says the guy who’s been playing since he was six,” she retorted.
He rolled her eyes and handed her the guitar. “Trust me, even Fat Bob can do it and he has no sense of rhythm. Here.” He helped her put her hand in position. “This is a C chord.”
***
He was besotted for like a year until he’d seen Mark with his girlfriend and his entire world had crumbled. Of course he’d have a girlfriend. Mark wasn’t a freak.
That night he cried into his pillow for hours (silently, all too aware of his sister next door). He’d never felt so heartbroken before. He swore he would never let it happen again.
***
Jenny ended up kissing him outside her house in late Fall. He froze in place, awkward and nervous, but Jenny took it in stride and he got the hang of it eventually. They dated for about six months before her mom took a job in Florida and she had to move away.
Despite how much he liked her, he felt guilty he wasn’t sadder when she left.
***
Of course, it happened again.
“Everyone, please welcome out new students, William and Howard.”
Multiple times.
***
It terrified him what his friends and family would think if they found out. It was bad enough to hear how everything wrong or immoral or simply trashy was deemed gay. He’d be outright shunned, and all for something he wouldn’t act on? He never told a soul.
***
After Jenny, he briefly dated a girl called Louise in junior year. She was confident and funny, could make even the grumpiest man crack a smile, and for some reason, she seemed to enjoy making Jim laugh especially. She had great lips, too.
He learned a lot with Louise.
But after close to six weeks, the spark fizzled out. She felt more like a friend than a girlfriend and he probably would have been fine keeping the status quo anyway but she clearly did not as she dumped him for another, cooler guy.
He had that same strange guilt that maybe he should care more.
***
It wasn’t until he had moved to the college dorms that he met someone gay (at least, outwardly so).
“I’m Jim, I’m your new roommate?” he said as he stretched out his hand, leaving his luggage on the floor.
The guy smiled warmly and shook his hand. “Ethan. Nice to meet you.”
Ethan had a big flag on his side of the room. A rainbow from ceiling to floor.
“Don’t be scared,” he said good-humored to a panicking Jim. “I’m completely harmless. Can’t even swat flies, for real.” When Jim didn’t laugh along, Ethan sobered up but remained cordial. “I won’t be mad if you decide to change rooms.”
“No! No, it’s fine, I—I don’t mind.”
***
They ended up becoming pretty good friends. They hung out outside of class and explored the city together, creating a lot of anecdotes he couldn’t tell his parents about, not if he wanted to keep coming to Manhattan.
Ethan introduced him to his group of friends, all gay.
“Jim’s our new token straight guy,” he said and they all cheered and drank.
“We all start there.”
Ethan shook his head as he finished swallowing. “Speak for yourself, sweetheart, I’m a star gay. A galaxy gay.”
“He’s never been with a woman,” the guy next to Jim whispered as everyone shouted and joked about the kind of black hole gay Ethan was, taking into account the guys he dated. Jim had gathered from context but nodded anyway. “I’m Andrew,” he added.
“Nice to meet you,” Jim said as they shook hands. Andrew was muscular, with short black hair and golden eyes, pierced ears, ripped jean jacket over the back rest. Jim drank from his beer and tried to keep a cool demeanor. “What about you? Any girls…?”
Andrew laughed and shrugged. “I don’t mind who it is as long as they don’t mind fucking to Limp Bizkit.”
The splash of beer was not appreciated by the rest of the table.
***
He didn’t have his first gay sexual experience until he was 19. The party was wild and heavy on the drinking and Andrew had figured him out in a minute and they ended up giving each other handjobs in the car.
***
“Ethan.”
“Mm?”
He took a deep breath and finally said it out loud. “I don’t think I’m really straight.”
“Honey,” Ethan said with his perpetual smile, “I know. Thanks for telling me, though.”
***
Andrew was the first person he ever fell in love with. Andrew also turned out to be a lying asshole.
“Jim, it’s not what it seems, I swear, it doesn’t mean anything.”
With as much restrain as he could muster, he grabbed his bag and turned towards the door. “You know what, fucking save it.”
***
Andrew then gave way to Robbie, Bill, Aaron, Mike and Nameless Brunette One and Two.
***
(After college, he did a number of small town gigs before landing his first real major job at CNN when he was twenty three. That was also where, a year later, he met MacKenzie.
“Good job on the war segment,” she said at the end of his first week, “It was very well-done.”
“Thank you,” he answered in awe, humbled that MacKenzie, a legend in his eyes after a single week, had noticed his effort.)
***
It was right after Kenny had broken up with him, after he’d gone to the nearest bar and gotten very drunk, that he met Liz.
“Mind if I sit here?” a girl with long red hair said and in his misery, he didn’t care where she sat.
Liz, it turned out, was a lot of fun. He moaned about how men are only boring assholes and she nodded along and joked about whether Jim was counting himself in that group and little by little, and sip by sip, he was out of his funk, laughing as she accidentally snorted vodka, and he felt alive again. He’d never met a girl like her.
He’d also forgotten how fun sex could be.
“Oh, my god,” he said after, panting for breath and feeling like his entire sense of self was falling apart, in a good way. “Oh, my god.”
“Don’t flatter yourself too much,” Liz said and turned towards him, her head resting on her hand as she giggled at Jim’s embarrassed face.
“Sorry, it’s just… been a while.”
“You said so.”
“Did I?” He murmured and blushed a bright red he couldn’t really blame on the alcohol. “I’m sorry, I’m a mess.”
She shrugged and grabbed the cigarette packet on her jacket, strewn on the side of the bed. “I don’t mind messy.”
They laid in the afterglow, satisfied. Liz finished smoking and said “I could go for a round two before I go,” and Jim smashed their lips again.
***
They hooked up a few more times. Jim realized, though, that she was basically a rebound from Kenny, the charm disappearing right there, so when he stopped picking up, Liz stopped calling, and Jim didn't see her again.
***
“Hello?”
“Am I speaking to Jim Harper?”
“Yes, this is him.”
“This is MacKenzie McHale. I’ve got an offer for you.”
***
Afghanistan was one of the most gruesome and difficult times of his life, and one of the most rewarding.
***
They had a one-week break in Italy before they were going back to being correspondents, moving with the troops to Iraq.
It was pretty much equal opportunity one night stands after Liz, he didn’t want to get involved with anyone, even less before they went back. He figured he’d be safe enough with a handsome Italian, who he wouldn’t see ever again.
He didn’t think MacKenzie would notice him sneaking back to his hotel room and there wasn’t a subtle way of slipping your hand away from another man’s waist.
***
“So…” Mac said at breakfast, playing with her hands as her coffee stood undisturbed. “Last night.”
Jim, meanwhile, shoved more food in his mouth and didn’t complete her sentence. He was still too perturbed his boss saw him mid-hook up and too tired after not getting a second of sleep.
“You know I don’t care what your sexuality is, right?” she said, smiling the way she usually did when she was being lovingly blunt. “If you’re afraid I’ll report you or insult you, I promise I won’t.”
He shook his head slightly. It wasn’t that; they’d been through too much to not know Mackenzie protected her people fiercely, that she would be true to her word. “I just don’t usually tell people.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
“No. It’s okay,” he smiled. “You can ask if you want.”
There was a curious gleam in Mac’s eye as she said, “Are you gay?”
He sighed and said, “Sort of.”
“How sort of?”
“I like men. But I also like women.”
Mac frowned, trying to understand. “So, you’re bisexual?”
Jim shrugged. He’d never really named it but if he had to. “I guess.”
***
It was at the airport, when they came back for good, where he met Audrey. Seeing her stopped him right in his tracks and, when he finally got her number, Mac clapped him on the back and congratulated him, and bought him an Irish coffee when they stopped for lunch. There was a smile on his face he hadn’t seen in a while.
Maybe he was ready for something long term again.
***
Audrey and him didn’t have much in common, it turned out, and she was actually kind of annoying, but the sex was excellent.
Of course, having that as the basis of their relationship, the long distance kind of killed them.
***
Moving back to Manhattan, with a new job involving lots of new people and a notoriously-in-the-middle-of-a-kinda-scandal new boss, he figured love was in the back burner for a while. He didn’t, though, count on Mac and her schemes.
“Cupid, bam!”
***
As Maggie sped through the facts, he felt an amount of giddiness he attributed to the amazing findings they were about to report, but for the longest time his eyes remained on her.
***
He thought it would end up the same way it always did: he’d stop feeling like this after a couple of weeks, when he’d realize he liked her more as a friend, or they’d have nothing in common and he’d lose interest.
When the five month mark rolled around and he still couldn’t help but fix his eyes on Maggie, when it was like he’d inhaled helium every time she was talking to him, even as they argued, when he glanced across the room and felt real envy of Don, he knew he was totally fucked.