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*It starts with love.*
I guess it did, at that. Love of knowledge and the need to solve a mystery. But there was much greater love than that later on – love for Sha’re but, more importantly, love for Jack. Without love, it would all have ended with that first trip through the gate, ended in more ways than one, especially for the people of Abydos.
*One thing – I don’t know why, it doesn’t even matter how hard you try. Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time.*
Why? It’s such a small word, but it represents something huge, something bigger than any of us, something I’m not even sure I believe in. I’ve certainly tried hard, but it doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference to anything. Regardless of my efforts, my wife is dead, my best friend is pushing me away, evil still roams at large and in great numbers across the universe. As for explanations, the time for those has been and gone countless times, and I’m still none the wiser. Clarity is not something my current companion excels in. I like to think I get the gist of her meaning, but I’m really just fooling myself – I have no idea. I can’t really comprehend why she’s here, what she’s asking of me.
*All I know, time is a valuable thing, watch it fly by as the pendulum swings. Watch it count down to the end of the day, the clock ticks life away.*
Time is running out. That much I do know. I knew from the moment I raised my gun to break the glass that I was sentencing myself to death, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time. Now, all I can do is think – and I realise that I wouldn’t choose to act differently. It’s not just that there were millions of lives at stake, not even that I would most likely have died anyway when the device exploded. I’ve come to see in the past few hours that life no longer holds any meaning for me. All I feel is pain and loneliness, a dreadful ache that just won’t ease, no matter what I do. Maybe if I go with Oma, things will be different. There will be purpose, an achievable goal to work towards, and the vagaries of life on the physical plane will pass me by.
*It’s so unreal. You didn’t look out below. Watch the time go right out the window, trying to hold on but you didn’t even know.*
The whole of the last day has had more than an edge of unreality for me. I remember sitting on a bed in the infirmary what seems like a lifetime ago, describing to you what the radiation was going to do to me. I think you were more horrified by the way I was saying the words than by the words themselves, Jack. I think I even laughed a little at one point – the whole thing was just so absurd. When you feel almost entirely healthy, it’s difficult to believe it when you’re told you’re going to dissolve from the inside out in a matter of hours. I don’t think I’d fully absorbed it at the time, and I know you hadn’t accepted it either.
It wasn’t until later, when you realised there wasn’t much time left, that you came to try and say goodbye. Only you didn’t – say goodbye, I mean. You tried to tell me how you felt, but it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough, Jack. There was no point in you trying to deny what’s happening to me, and I needed you then, like I’ve never needed you before, but you bailed like always. You fed me some emotional constipation about admiration and then you ran.
*I wasted it all just to watch you go. I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart.*
I can’t say I really blame you, though. It’s not as if I was ever honest with you about my feelings, either. It’s not your fault I’ve wasted years of my life being in love with you, without any hope of reciprocation. Who knows what might have happened if I’d ever told you? I know there’s more beneath that hard exterior than you show, but I never gave you a reason to open up. There have been countless times when I’ve been close to telling you, but it’s too late now. Everything’s gone to hell, and coming clean now would only cause everyone further pain. I’ll spare you that, at least.
*I tried so hard in spite of the way you were mocking me, acting like I was part of your property. Remembering all the times you fought with me, I’m surprised that it got so far.*
I can’t imagine that it would ever have worked out between us, anyway. Even at the beginning, we fought about most things. I remember an occasion, in a mine on an alien planet, when I accused you of not having any respect for me. I wasn’t myself at that moment, and yet the words came up from somewhere deep inside of me, prompted by the madness to reach for the surface. You’ve never really taken me seriously but, at the same time, you always tried to exert control over my thoughts and actions. More so, in recent times – the easy camaraderie has long since vanished, to be replaced by anger and dismissal in equal measure.
I’ve tried to adapt, Jack, tried to become what you want me to be. I’ve made myself into a soldier for you, something that goes against my very being. But it hasn’t made any difference to your view of me; in fact, it seems to have made things even worse. I make a mediocre soldier, and if you couldn’t be impressed by the things I excel at, I guess I was a fool to expect you to be impressed by that. I’m surprised we made it so far without one or other of us giving up on the other entirely.
*I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, but in the end there’s only one thing you should know.*
I’ve followed you for five years, Jack. I may have said that I don’t trust your command, but I do trust you, regardless of what has or hasn’t passed between us in more recent times. I’ve trusted you with my life, my heart, even my soul, and you should know that I don’t blame you for anything that’s happened. I don’t blame you for the hardships I’ve suffered, and I don’t blame you for not seeing that we could be so much more than friends.
*I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, but in the end there’s only one thing you should know.*
And now I’m trusting you with my life again, but this time in a different way. I’ve made my choice – I’m leaving you all, and I need you to help me Jack. I need you to see that this is the right decision for me. I can do more this way. I – we – had stagnated the way things were, and now I’ve been offered a chance to make a difference, to change things for the better, and I want to take it.
I’m sorry I can’t explain properly, but I know deep down you understand what I’m doing. That’s why I chose you to help me rather than one of the others. You’re the only one with the strength and compassion to let me go without fighting it. You can see that this is what I really want, and I trust you to persuade the others of it, too.
*I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.*
I told Oma I don’t consider myself worthy of ascension, and I’m still not sure about that. She told me you can only choose one thing in life – whether to be good or evil, and even in my most self-flagellating mood, I can’t attempt to suggest that I’m evil. I’ve realised that none of it matters, though. What came before has no bearing on what will come to pass in the future. I have a new life now, one which promises both challenges and rewards.
Will I miss my friends, my life as it was? Of course, in a way. But there is nothing I’m leaving behind which really tempts me to stay. You could say I’ve given up everything, but I’m not sure I had anything to give, and what I hope to gain is so much more. I’ve tried to make life work here, but I’ve failed at every turn and now I need a new road to travel.
I see you standing below me, Jack – so calm, so matter-of-fact in your decision. Those around you are shocked, saddened, angry – but you reveal nothing. My one regret will be never knowing how you really feel. But it’s too late now – I’ve made my choice and there’s only one thing left that I can say.
Goodbye.
THE END