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Tony races into his dorm room, pushing past two girls fighting about which posters to hang on their wall, jumping over half a futon pushed inside someone else’s room and practically face-planting onto the elevator before it dinged shut. Tony rocks on the balls of his feet, muttering under his breath until finally the doors opened again before launching.
“Hey!” Some girl shouts as Tony sprints past, barreling down the hall before finally throwing open the door of their tiny ass room, eyes racing around.
Rhodey looks up from behind his textbook, looking rudely unsurprised, “Sup Tony.”
Tony looks panicked, eyes wide and fingers jittery as he ducks his head beneath the beds, throws open their closet door and then peeks behind the room door just for good measure. “Oh God what did you do?” Rhodey groans, straightening up and giving him The Look.
Ah shit.
Tony presses his hands together, trying to look as calm as could be, “Platypus, don’t be mad.” Rhodey’s expression drops, already prepared for the worst, “I lost our baby.”
Rhodey chokes, “You lost our WHAT?”
If possible, Tony looks more distraught, “I might have lost…both our babies…actually…”
The vein in Rhodey’s forehead threatens to bulge right out of his head, “And you thought you’d find them under our beds??”
“I thought it wouldn’t hurt to check!” Tony defends.
“Oh my Go- Tony.” Rhodey doesn’t bother finishing his sentence, just grabs for his shoes, jamming his feet in without sliding them all the way and rushing out the door, “Okay, come on, we have to break into the lab. Again.”
Tony claps his hands, “Truly my favourite extra-curricular activity.”
“Did you already check the quad? And what about the caf?”
“Rhodey, do you know how many of those we have at MIT?” Tony throws his hands up, “At least a thousand. Maybe more. Who really even knows?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Rhodey’s hand flies up to smack Tony on the back of his head. “Ow!” he pouts, rubbing forlornly at the offended spot.
“Ow’s right. I can’t believe you lost them. Do you know how much trouble we’re gonna be in?”
“I mean…technically this one’s on me. You’re in the clear sour-patch.”
“I am not.” Rhodey hisses, “They’re gonna know I gave you a pass to the lab and not to mention M-”
“Shhh!!” Tony clamps a hand over his mouth, pointing to the security guard doing his usual beat, “Act natural.”
Rhodey smacks his hand away, “It’s a campus security guard Tony, not the FBI, chill.” but he gets rid of his frantic I’ll-probably-murder-or-be-murdered-soon expression anyway.
Together, the two of them sneak to the main door of the Engineering building, their only obstacle?
The key pad.
“Okay.” Tony breathes, “Hand me your card.”
Rhodey reaches into his back pocket only to make a face, digging around deeper. He frowns, putting his hand into his other pocket before a horrified realization. Tony straightens. He crosses his arms. Flattens his lips in a thin line. “This is what karma feels like, in case you were wondering.”
“Shut up Tony.” Rhodey scowls, “Just do your thing and,” he waves his hand around, “you know, do that boy prodigy over-rated genius thing.”
“Rude.” Tony retorts, before faking digging around in his own pockets, “Yeah lemme just pull out my handy-dandy B&E kit that I-” he makes a face, “oh wait, I’m not a weirdo.”
Rhodey smirks and Tony holds up a finger, “Okay, relax about it. Come on, we’ll just break in through the window.”
Rhodey sighs, looking up at the heavens like asking God why before following his best friend- despite his many character defects- to the back of the building. The dumpsters are lined up neatly along the wall and the long rectangular windows of the lab reflect the light- right into their eyes.
God.
Rhodey grunts, squinting as he makes his hand into a visor. “Okayyyy,” he says slowly, “there are the windows. Now what?”
Tony rolls his eyes, “Are you sure you wanna join the military? Because I’m not really getting that vibe right now.”
Rhodey glares.
Tony points to the dumpsters. “Okay, so here’s the plan. We’re gonna close the lids, then we’re gonna stack the recycling bins, then you’re gonna climb it, then I’m gonna climb you,” Tony spares a second to flash him a particularly lewd expression-
“Tony.”
“Alright, alright, and then I’m gonna slide open the window, shimmy in, pull you up, and then boom.”
Tony grins.
“Aren’t those supposed to be locked?”
Tony waves the comment away like it’s a particularly annoying fly, “Nah. Dr. Chen smokes all the time so he leaves that last one unlocked because he’s a lazy son of a bitch.”
Rhodey doesn’t look surprised. He looks at Tony, then the dumpsters, and then the high windows and sighs again. “You know when we went to Chelsea’s party and we got plastered and then I said your dad should go fuck himself and I’d be your ride or die?”
“Yeah. Best day of my life.” Tony says matter of factly.
Rhodey can’t help but snort, “This isn’t what I thought that’d be but,” he shrugs, flashing Tony a quick grin, “it’s never what you’d expect with you is it short stack?”
Tony flips him off and Rhodey laughs out loud.
They finish their make shift ladder and Rhodey’s climbing atop of it, balancing precariously on half-filled recycling bins when he looks down. “You’re surprisingly really calm about this whole thing. I thought you’d be at DEFCON One by now.”
“Are you kidding me? I almost peed my pants like, three times already.” Tony hauls himself onto the dumpster, stepping onto a crate to better reach his friend, “If anything happens to them-”
Rhodey grips his shoulder, “Relax. We got this. With both our brains and my brawn?” he clicks his tongue, “Come on son.”
Tony snorts, lip curling up as he swings around to straddle Rhodey’s neck. Rhodey takes a deep breath before surging upward, grunting as he manages to lift Tony straight off the ground. “Holy shit.” the words spill over his lips before Tony can help himself, “That was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.”
“Keep it in your pants Tones.” Rhodey says, his breathing going hard, “Now try to stand on my shoulders.”
Tony nods though he knows he can’t see it and grips onto the window sill. Lugging himself up, he manages to stand fully atop of Rhodey’s shoulders without kicking him in the face too much- “You kicked me twice!”- and slides the window back with a quick heave.
Rolling forward-the boost from Rhodey pushing his feet helped- but it sends him crashing to the floor. “Ughh.” he groans, his side having hit the table edge a little too perfectly.
He rubs at his face, sticking his head out of the window to see Rhodey looking up at him expectantly. “Need a knight in shining armor?” Tony asks.
“Yeah, you know any?”
Tony sticks out his tongue before reaching his hand out, grasping Rhodey’s own firmly as he pulls with all his might until they’ve both collapsed- again- on the lab floor. “Oh God.” Tony pants, “I really need to work out more.”
Rhodey pokes him in his side, “You think? Now okay, come on.”
The two of them race to Tony’s workstation, flipping on the monitor and accessing a special program only they knew Tony had installed on it. Tony’s fingers fly across the keyboard until a low resolution map pops up on the screen, two dots blinking. “I don’t know whether to be terrified or relieved that they’re together.”
Rhodey looks like he has the same worry, “The two of them? And their lack of common sense?”
They share a look. Two seconds later, they’ve bolted out the door.
The GPS coordinates aren’t exactly hyper accurate, but they’re good enough for Tony to know that they’re somewhere in the neighboring park where he knows a particularly good ice cream stand is. He scowls, he knew he shouldn’t have given that little squirt five bucks to ‘get something nice.’
Get something nice his ass, all he got was a heart attack.
The park is full of stay-at-home moms walking their babies in strollers, toddlers shrieking in the sand and some college kids sprawled on the grass begging for mercy from the universe.
They spot the runaways quickly.
Tony smacks a hand over his face, “I can’t believe we broke into the lab when all we had to do was check Twitter.”
There’s a giant crowd in the middle of the soccer field where Tony can hear a very familiar voice recounting his day like he hadn’t just given Tony a near death experience.
Tony pushes through the crowd to see a completely innocent looking Peter Parker standing proudly atop of Tony’s most prized creation, patting it lovingly, “His name is DUM-E and he’s a good boy! The best boy! He took me to get ice cream!” as proof, he holds out his melting chocolate ice cream, already starting to dribble down his fingers.
The crowd coos around him. Tony just wants to roll his eyes.
“PETER!” Tony yells, startling the kid so much he jumps.
“Tony!” he yells back, grinning so wide Tony almost forgives him instantly until he feels the faint beating of his heart and remembers all the fear.
“Nuh uh, you don’t get to flash those pearly whites and think everything’s gonna be okay.” he chastises.
Peter’s lip wobbles into a pout, his eyes growing impossibly wider, “Are you mad at me?” he asks that super small adorable voice.
Tony panics, turning to look for Rhodey who’s finished dispersing the crowd. Rhodey elbows him in the stomach, “Stay strong Tones.”
Tony takes a breath, tries to toughen up. “Do you know how worried we were? I leave you alone for one second to go to the bathroom and when I come back you and DUM-E are just gone!”
Peter looks down, hands clasped behind his back, foot scuffing against the ground. “I’m sorry Tony. I’m sorry Rhodey. I just wanted ice cream.”
“And I suppose that goofball was more than happy to take you huh?” Rhodey drawls, staring pointedly at DUM-E.
Peter hugs the robot closer, squishing his cheek against the central rod. “I love him. He’s nice to me.” he declares.
Oh God Tony’s heart is exploding. “Rhodey!!” he chokes, “I’m losing!!”
But Rhodey has the weirdest face, like he’s struggling not to break down in coos, “He’s so cute what the hell man. I told you you shouldn’t put a GPS in DUM-E’s code.”
Seeing that he’d get no help from Rhodey, Tony shoots him a scathing look, crouching down to meet Peter at his level. “Ok, let me take a second to be grateful you’re okay and also appreciate how adorable you are.” he opens his arms and Peter runs into them without hesitation.
Tony squeezes him, finding comfort in his little breaths. When he’s had his fill, he nudges Peter back, trying to put on his best stern face. “Pete, this wasn’t cool, was it Rhodey?”
“No sir.”
“We were really worried about you.” DUM-E whirrs, “And you obviously.” The robot bows its head.
“You can’t just run off without telling me okay? I thought I’d lost you.” Peter lowers his head again, lip wobbling.
Rhodey cracks a smile, “He was super crazy. Ran around like a headless chicken.”
Peter giggles a little, frown slowly disappearing, “Really?”
“Of course really.” Tony says, sounding exasperated, “Who’s going to make Lego bots with me if you’re gone?”
Peter nods seriously, “You do need my help.”
Tony hides a grin, “Exactly. Plus, I can’t lose my two favourite babies in one day. It’s too much for me.”
“Hey!” Peter frowns, “I’m not a baby! I’m seven!”
“Seven’s a baby.” Tony teases, “An itty bitty baby.”
“Tiny.” Rhodey agrees.
“Rhodey!!” Peter cries, before Rhodey scoops him up swinging him around until he’s atop of his shoulders.
“I’m tall!! WOW!” Peter shrieks, giggling madly.
“Yeah, Tones can’t relate.” Rhodey snickers at Tony’s affronted face.
“Stop teaching the kid to be a bully or I’m telling May.” Tony threatens before being rightfully ignored.
DUM-E trails behind them, looking meek. “And you,” Tony says, turning to the robot, “I’m gonna have to reprogram you to be safer huh? A Baby-Sitting Protocol.”
Peter perks up, “Is DUM-E gonna be my new baby-sitter?”
“Don’t look so excited, you’ll break my heart.” Tony mimes being stabbed clean through, trying to hide his smile as Peter laughs.
“I want all of you!” Peter declares, “You guys are the bestest baby-sitters. I should know.” he nods sagely, “I’ve had a lot.”
Tony goes on his tippy toes to ruffle his hair, trying to memorize the sun in Peter’s eyes and the dimples in his cheeks. “You’re not too bad yourself kiddo.”
Rhodey adjusts Peter on his shoulders, getting into rhythm with Tony beside him. “Ok, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving.”
Peter brightens, “How about ice cre-”
“No!!”