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When you found him, he was so hollow. In his every word, where warmth once shone through, an icy and distant tone shook your core. The young man you had once mentored had let his heart fester with hate, allowed himself to become blind with corrupt obsessions. How it made your heart ache in the worst way when he would walk past you without a glance, or when your attempts at idle conversation were shut down with a dismissive, to-the-point “leave me alone”.
It had been five years, and it was obvious to you that those five years had not been kind to the shining prince, as if all his empathy and chivalrous tendencies had been smashed to pieces and replaced with something so sharp and dismal that not even his former classmates could break through and get him to talk.
Watching this for the past few weeks only made your chest feel tight. Something in you had always sensed some kind of darkness in Dimitri, if you were being completely honest, but you had tried so hard to guide him towards honing his skills to do good, to grow towards the light. You hadn’t done enough for him, have you? These thoughts were twisting in your mind as you lay in bed, attempting to sleep but having no luck. When Sothis was there, at least you had someone to stop you from overthinking. Being alone in the silence was only causing you to think even harder about this, and the sickening thought kept resurfacing.
“You could have saved him.”
Was it selfish to think only of Dimitri while the entire continent was at war?
While others were fighting, struggling, dying somewhere else?
How dare you pinpoint your fixation on saving Dimitri from this fate when the lives of others you know were also at stake.
You didn’t even grieve this long for your father and Dimitri is still alive.
For now.
Sitting up, you let out a wavering breath, a cold sweat forming on your brow. You hadn't fallen asleep, but it didn't feel like you had been fully awake either, not with your mind going haywire like that. You felt sicker the more you let your guilt creep up on you, the thoughts becoming a static-like noise inside your skull. Time to get some air.
As you stepped out of your quarters, you took your time walking to the edge of the small pond you had once spent many hours fishing, stepping out to the deck like you have before and let out another deep breath, directing your gaze at the night sky above. You missed those small moments, when your biggest worry was wondering if you were a good teacher to begin with. When you had first arrived at the monastery, you admittedly had felt like the odd one out, and had trouble connecting with the other professors right away. A mercenary turned teacher, with no prior experience. How you had doubted your leadership abilities, wondered if you could be trusted with the lives of others. But it was your students who had put your worries at ease by welcoming you - some with more open arms than others.
You had tried so hard for them, and saw them grow more competent and sure of their abilities with your guidance. Those battles you had all fought through together, getting scuffed up but making it through each conflict -- it had all been worth while. Or so you once thought. You remembered the battle, waking from your five year slumber, finding Dimitri looking so different. You had noticed how the light had now stopped reaching his eyes, and something in you ached as you had realized your absence left him to plummet into a life of murderous solitude.
Oh, Dimitri, why did this happen to you?
All your other students had grown up with such grace that your eyes had welled up at the sight of them after you had all reunited. Those wonderful souls who never gave up hope, who welcomed you back as a leader and, somehow, still looked up to you. It made it hurt even more so that everyone seemed to be elated you were alive, except Dimitri, someone you had considered to be especially close to before everything had gone awry.
You were pulled out of your thoughts when you saw a dark figure out of the corner of your eye, walking towards the stairs a little ways off. Your instincts took over and you began to follow, part of you hoping it was just one of the guards.
Though after running after and turning the corner, you saw him, looking like a ghost in the dark. His back was turned to you, his head tilted at the stars as his hands rested on the weathered brick. You weren’t sure if you should say something or leave him be. After all, maybe it would just bring you more heartache to be ignored once again.
It seemed you were too busy worrying to realize he had noticed you, and was staring at you from where he stood. Your mind snapped out of it at the sound of his voice.
“What are you doing?”
Ah, how you hated that tone of voice, the way he spoke to you like you were nothing but a stranger to him.
“I couldn’t sleep,” you started, your voice lowered, “I was just getting some air.”
“Hm.”
And the silence returned as he redirected himself to the sky again.
“What about you? It’s really late, and some sleep would do you some good.” You tried not to come off as worried, but it managed to seep into your words nonetheless.
“You want me to just go to sleep? How can I?” He sneered, a short and bitter laugh escaping him before he continued, “Knowing that I’ve failed everyone…You don't know what pain it brings me to just be sitting in this place while she runs free out there.”
“Dimitri-”
“I could be heading out and infiltrating the Empire to kill that damned Edel-”
“Dimitri, please,” you repeated, stepping closer and taking his arm with your hand, which he instantly yanked away from to look at you with a cynical glare.
“...I thought you would understand, after losing your father because of her schemes and watching the monastery fall to pieces. What more do you need taken from you in order to finally understand what I'm saying?” His words were curt as he spoke with grit teeth, but you looked at him in the eye, trying to hold your ground. "I have to kill her. I have to honor the souls of those who were slaughtered by her wrongdoing. I have to do this or I will never be at peace."
“You say all of that, and then act so carelessly on the battlefield and wear the bloodshed like a trophy,” you scolded, but it was coming from concern, “Your recklessness, and the way you just kill now...it scares me to watch.”
“Then don't watch. Do your best not to get in my way-”
“Dimitri!”
You recoiled just slightly, as you didn’t mean to end up shouting at him tonight. He didn’t say anything else to you, but he wasn’t looking at you anymore either, instead gazing off a ways out again. Oh, it wounded you deeply to remember how your conversations would carry into the late hours of the night when you had been alone together years ago. How he used to have such an interest in getting to know you. How you both shared similar pain but supported each other throughout. Remembering the life that once filled his eyes, how he once spoke gentle words of not wanting to kill more people than necessary when it came down to it in battle, how he used to smile at you…
You let out a breath that shook past the knot forming in your throat, your arms crossed around your chest as a brisk wind began to blow through, just barely shaking the trees and making your hair gently wave against your face.
“...I apologize.” You said.
He didn’t respond. You continued.
“I won't pry about your goals or your new ideals. But when you say I don't understand you at all... You're wrong about that.”
Dimitri glanced over, just barely, though he was still quiet. The look on his face made you feel hesitant, but you knew that you had to say something while you could.
“I remember when you took me to dinner after we fought side by side. When I had just began to find comfort in staying at the monastery after feeling so out of place,” A small smile formed on your face fondly, but you didn’t have the strength to keep it there for long. “All the things you did for my sake, five years ago. How you welcomed me and let me into the Blue Lions house...I truly loved getting to make memories with you and the others.”
“We were but children, that’s all in the past now.” He muttered, but didn’t walk away just yet. You took this as your chance.
“It might be in the past, but it happened, Dimitri. Those memories and those times spent together weren't for naught! They are so precious to me. And I want to continue being there for my students,” you said, swallowing back the swelling emotions in your throat before continuing, “I want to continue being there for you.”
Silence, again, but this time it felt deafening to not get any response from the other. A tear began to streak your face as you looked at him, wanting him to say something that would ignite your hope once more.
“I care so much for you. I want you to be safe, Dimitri. I want to continue watching over you and see you continue to grow. If you were to die-” The thought alone began to send you back to holding your father in your arms as he let out his last breath, how you had let him down due to circumstances you tried so hard to fight back against. Thinking of one day watching Dimitri fall, seeing the last bit of life leave his eyes, it was all too much to consider.
“I swear I won’t leave you alone. You aren't damned or a lost cause...You can keep trying to push everyone back, but I won’t-”
Suddenly, you felt your back against the brick wall, your head knocking hard into it as Dimitri hunched over you like a beast to his prey, his arm above your head as he looked at you, his gaze seething.
“I don’t want you,” he snarled in a low growl before he flinched slightly, noticing a line of blood running down the side of your neck from the back of your head.
You hadn’t even noticed it yourself until you clamped a hand back there and felt a small wet spot forming that stung under your palm, a tingling pain forming after you came down from the shock of being slammed back so quickly. This wasn’t the worst wound you’ve endured, but knowing it was from Dimitri made your chest tighten a bit as you looked back at him. What surprised you was that he looked more fearful than you.
That look brought you back to a Dimitri that was five years younger, a Dimitri who needed your comforting words, a Dimitri who emitted a warmth from the inside out.
There he was. Just for a moment.
You didn’t say anything to the man who was frozen above you, but raised your free hand up to the side of his face, gingerly letting your fingertips touch his cheek. It didn’t take any words for his eye to flicker to you, the expression on his face akin to a frightened animal.
“I didn’t...mean to hurt you,” he spoke.
“I know.”
Dimitri didn’t move away from your touch, and you knew that meant something was getting through to him, even a little. For a moment, you thought you saw the moonlight hit his eye in a way that made it look like it was glazing up, but he then pulled away from you before you could do anything about it.
“You...you need to get that patched up.”
“I suppose I do,” you said quietly, your hand still pressed against the scrape on the back of your head.
Silence. So he didn’t have anything else to say, perhaps. It was fine, you were lucky to even get as much out of him tonight as you managed to. With a sigh, you started to walk back to the private quarters, but glanced back again to see him again, his head hanging low as he stared off once more, thinking about who-knows-what at this point. You didn’t feel like this was a complete loss, as you had seen a glimpse of humanity return to his eyes for a fleeting moment, and that was more than you’d seen in months now.
“Get some sleep, Dimitri.”
Every step was a step forward, no matter how small.