Archive of Our Own

2012

Josh pushed his back up against the freezing windows of the van, feeling the chill through his hoodie. His knees were drawn up into his chest, arms encircling them in attempts to squish his body into the most compact version. He was even taking small, socked toe curls closer to himself, trying to keep as far away from the center of the van as he could.

He held himself together tightly, allowing the hard plastic of the interior to push into his back and sides, as if he was trying to hide away into the cramped corner. Which he kind of was, actually.

Tyler was lying down on the flat, overused mattress that they spread out in the center of the van every night. Despite the lumps and dark stains that littered the old foam mat, sleepy breaths came in and out of Tyler's curved, open mouth slowly.

It was hard for Tyler to sleep. He was usually the one to oversee Josh, not the other way around. Josh easily allowed sleep to overtake him most nights, Tyler was the one that was always up. His mind would get stuck like a broken record, skipping over the same scratch in his head, each time the replay sounding worse and worse.

Thoughts plagued him in a way Josh had never seen. He would seem okay, for a while. Then, at least if you were Josh, you'd slowly watch as he isolated himself.

When Tyler got into that headspace, he was always on high alert. He payed attention to everything, surroundings, conversations, presences, even if his gaze never moved.

It was like he quarantined himself in his own head, but popped out to breathe every once in a while so you knew he was still alive. His thoughts were always churning thickly as he ventured deeper into the depths of his own mind.

The one that Tyler thought was sick.

Josh never thought that.

Tyler shifted, and Josh froze in his spot. The brunet burrowed his face in his pillow just a little bit further, his legs shuffling under the blanket before he stilled again. Tyler had closed his mouth, swallowing around his dry throat and making his Adam's apple bob before he relaxed and his lips slowly drifted apart again. Josh couldn't help his soft smile.

He never got to see Tyler like this. Peaceful. Calm.

Nightmares were a problem too, and often played in to Tyler's insomnia, creating a fear of what would happen if he closed his eyes. But right now, his eyebrows weren't screwed up, or eyelids shifting as the eyes underneath darted. He was okay. He was getting what he needed, free of tortured thoughts. Josh thanked God for that.

He liked to watch Tyler sleep, no matter how rare the occasion was. He liked being able to protect him for those nights when his mind had calmed down, turned down the radio frequency just enough to let sleep wash over him. He was beautiful. Always so beautiful.

Josh let his eyes drift, drift all over the singer. There was no one there to see him do it. To watch the way Josh's eyes wandered over Tyler's parted lips that always seemed a deeper red at night, the slope of his nose, the lashes on his eyes, and his skin.

Dear god, his skin. Josh thumped his head against the van at the thought, wincing.

His body tensed at the sound, eyes immediately flying back over to Tyler and checking for movement.

Nothing.

Josh sighed in relief.

Then, Tyler inhaled sharply and his eyebrows drew together.

Josh immediately leaned forward, ready. He was prepared to rouse the man gently from his sleep, a nightmare probably having invaded his territory again when his guard was down. But then, Tyler's hand shot out from underneath the blankets, almost reaching Josh's feet.

His arm stretched, searching. It swept over the mattress back and forth, causing ripples to form in the blankets. Coming up empty, his arm stopped and he whined softly into his pillow.

Josh's mouth actually dropped open at the anguish in the sound. His chest ached, his heart pulsing with a hot pain as he leaned forward just a bit more, but not touching him yet.

"Josh..." Tyler groaned, muffled by the fabric of his pillow.

Josh couldn't have stopped himself if he tried.

He fell forward, his knees hitting the mattress and forearms dipping into it as he got as close to Tyler as he possibly could in a single movement. He took his eyes off of the man only for a moment, grabbing his still outstretched hand and twining Tyler's fingers with his.

Then he replied, "Yes?"

Tyler didn't open his eyes, but moved so his cheek was pressed against the pillow and facing Josh. "You were gone."

"I'm sorry." He said immediately, his voice filled with regret.

"Come closer."

Josh thought he was practically breathing on Tyler already, but he nodded even though he wouldn't be seen. He squeezed Tyler's hand tighter as he fully maneuvered his way onto the mattress, stretching out his legs and moving closer to him lengthwise.

Tyler pulled his blanket open, flaring it over his bandmate before scooting closer himself. Tyler barely tangled their legs together—only their knees slotting—but it was enough for Josh.

It wasn't out of the ordinary for them to share beds or to sleep next to one another in the van. But it was the rare nights like this when it was truly just them that got to Josh, that flew past his tangled head of curls and through his skull, straight into his brain and burning themselves into memory.

Tyler's body became lax, his hand stayed in Josh's and the man remained silent. His face would nuzzle into the pillow sometimes, his breathing finally evening out again.

Josh knew Tyler had fallen back asleep. But it didn't stop him from watching the man's chest move with every breath, hoping he'd eventually come closer.

2013

Josh remembered when Tyler met Jenna. Tyler had met her once about a week earlier, and was absolutely enthralled with her.

He had been talking about her for days. When his mind was elsewhere, he was smiling. His grin was stupid like always, and his gaze bashful, like you could see his thoughts.

Eventually, Tyler told Josh that he wanted him to meet her. His smile was so wide and his eyes were so bright that Josh couldn't control his mouth when he'd uttered out that he'd love to.

She was a nice girl, charming and funny. It was easy to like her and she was easy to talk to. They had gone out to eat somewhere, Tyler and Jenna sitting on one side of the booth and Josh alone on the other.

Tyler couldn't keep his eyes off of her when she talked, and Josh understood why. She was gorgeous. Striking, actually.

Smooth skin, soft blonde hair that came down and waved slightly once it met her shoulders, and a smile that was genuine and happy.

The feature that really caught Josh off guard was her eyes. She had icy, cobalt blue irises that were so vivid they could practically glow in the dark. You were taken as soon as you saw them.

No wonder Tyler was entranced by her.

Their meal was long, but all Josh really remembered was bringing his eyes down when Tyler grabbed her hand to hold it underneath the table.

He knew Tyler was trying to be discreet, but it didn't work.

Josh noticed.

-

It didn't take long for things to get serious with Jenna.

Tyler kept talking about how he just knew. This was the girl for him. No one else made her feel the way he did.

"Josh, she just knows me." He'd uttered out one night, lying on the couch in their van.

They'd been signed by a record label a while back and had received a bit of an upgrade in their ride. Still a van, but at least this one had more space and actual bunks to sleep in.

Tyler set a hand behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. "She could tell something was up with me just from the way my voice had gotten quieter throughout the day. She noticed– she cares, Josh."

Josh was sitting on the couch opposite, his hands in his lap and gaze stuck on Tyler, listening to his friend praise the bare minimum.

The brunet man turned his head to look at him. "That's amazing, right?" He asked.

Their eyes locked and Josh nodded, a smile making its way onto his lips without meaning to. His chest burned, unable to find the words he wanted to say.

He liked Jenna. She made Tyler feel happy and safe and that's all Josh could really ask for. There was just something bothering him about the whole situation.

It was going so fast.

Josh knew Tyler, and he knew how Tyler was. Meticulous, careful, slow. It took a while for him to trust people, and even then who knows how much of himself he really revealed to that particular person.

He threw himself into his art, every minute detail of it acting as a cause for concern. He strummed the strings of his instruments with purpose and banged on ivory keys til' they screamed out like he did.

If it wasn't right, an exact portrayal of the vision, the emotion that had taken hold of him in that moment, he wouldn't stop until it was. It needed to be perfect, raw, and full of every intention that needed to be said. Even if it took him months, day and night, to find the right rhyme or progression or something.

He didn't just fall in love.

Josh's throat tightened at the thought, feeling like a knife had been plunged directly into his chest.

Tyler was falling in love with this girl.

Josh shut his eyes tightly.

But Tyler didn't just fall in love.

That was the thing, there was more to it for him. There had to be.

He couldn't just find a girl and suddenly be completely enraptured by her, taking her out every night, using any spare moment to be with her, invite her to a show for god's sake.

Tyler didn't just do that. It was off, he was off. He had been ever since he met her.

The shallowest things could be a reason for admiration to him, any invitation from her seeming necessary for his nicest outfit and an entire day away from Josh. His eyes immediately flew to her as soon as she walked in the room, like he had trained himself to do it.

She was everything to him, and all Tyler seemed to want to do was get closer. It was all go, go, go and don't look back, don't look ahead, just look at her.

It wasn't right.

Tyler had closed his eyes, his hand still behind his head and the bus rumbling across the road as Josh sat there, staring at him.

Sure, he still played his shows with Josh every night, always telling the crowd to give him a hand. Still strummed with purpose and smiled with a shine in his eyes when he broke away from the crowd to look at Josh behind his drums. He was still Josh's best friend.

But it felt like it was only when he forgot about Jenna. 

2014

Josh tossed the keycard onto the table, kicking the door closed with the toe of his boot. The room was filled with bright sunlight from the open windows, the air cool and the sounds of the city beneath him echoing softly. Josh threw his duffel bag onto the bed before dragging his suitcase to sit at the edge of it.

They had landed in Paris a few hours ago and were playing a show in two days. Everyone had said they wanted to sightsee, especially Tyler and a majority of the crew, so when they were planning the tour and booking venues, their manager found a way to squeeze in a few free days before show.

This tour cycle had been going really well so far. People showed up every night, they both played their hearts out, and were able to travel to some countries they'd never been to before. Even with Tyler mentioning that Jenna was coming along on this tour, Josh's excitement didn't sour; only feeling a dull ache in his chest before finding the distraction of their show later that night.

The place they had booked for the next couple of nights was supposed to be a steal, one historic building or another that was being converted into a hotel so it still had reasonable prices since some parts of it were still in the process of renovation.

Josh's room had white walls with classic golden French details in the light fixtures and accents painted throughout the room. There were wide French doors that led out to a balcony that had a decent view of the city. If you stretched your neck out far enough, you could just barely see the Eiffel Tower peaking out from behind their building.

Josh walked out onto the balcony, breathing the summer air in deeply. He bent his body over the edge of the railing, stretching his back out and looking down at the people below him. Greenery and flowers bloomed along the sidewalks, cars bustled down the streets, and the sunlight shone brightly across the blue sky and warmed Josh's face. He closed his eyes, sighing softly.

It calmed Josh down a lot to finally be alone after so much travel. Everyone on tour with them shared rooms, Josh was the only one who they ever had to rent a solo room for. The crew slept at least in pairs or fours, and Tyler and Jenna always shared a suite together. However today, with being in a beautiful city, in a nice hotel room with the sun shining, it didn't feel as lonely as it sometimes did.

A few raps at the door made the purple haired man open his eyes and squint at the sunlight. He huffed a breath before returning inside. He padded to the door and answered it, finding Tyler, whose eyes were already cast to the right down the hallway.

"Hi." He said quickly, turning his head to look at Josh. He looked like he was bouncing on the balls of his feet, ready to run if someone were to see him.

"Hey." Josh greeted, his voice gravelly. "What's up?"

Tyler was already looking down the hallway again. He whipped his head back to face Josh when he heard him finish speaking. His gaze went to the floor before making eye contact with him.

Josh furrowed his brow at Tyler's sudden paranoid, jittery movements.

Tyler blinked a few times, his finger tapping on his thigh. "Do you wanna hang out today? Just us? Like right now?"

Josh laughed softly, nodding along to his best friend's antics. "Yeah sure." He said with a smile. "Lemme just grab my key."

He didn't ask why Tyler was in sudden need of alone time with him. They had had almost zero of it since tour started. The only time they were ever really alone together was while getting ready in their dressing room and during shows (if that even counted). But Josh didn't complain as they walked down the streets, wind blowing in their faces.

"Dude, I'm starving." Tyler groaned. "You hungry?" He asked, making swift steps away from the hotel.

Josh nodded and the brunet grinned. Tyler slid on his black sunglasses with a small smirk. He slapped the back of Josh's shoulder with his hand.

"C'mon. I know a place." He said.

Josh didn't question how Tyler could know of a place, he only shook his head with a smile, his adoration for the man radiating softly in his chest as he followed him.

Tyler kept bumping his shoulder against Josh's as they walked quickly, letting their arms brush. Josh shivered at the touch, but only clenched his fists when his fingers began to twitch, only wanting more of it.

Once they were a ways away from the hotel room and everyone they knew, Josh saw Tyler's nervous ticks begin to subside. A smile had risen to his face, and some happiness and curiosity glinted in his eyes as they wandered around the streets of Paris.

Tyler made a sharp right down a dark alley, the sunlight suddenly becoming void. The dark walls were grimy and Josh felt a sudden spark of anxiety shoot through him. He slowed his walk down, eyes searching the space.

"Uh, Ty?" He called out to the man in front of him.

Tyler suddenly stopped and turned around, humming.

"Where're you taking me?" He said, chuckling with a nervous smile.

Tyler jogged back up to him, a wide, easy smile on his face. He took Josh's wrist in his hand, tugging softly.

"Don't worry, I got you." He smiled even bigger than before and Josh let him guide him down the alley. "I know it's kinda creepy at first, but trust me. This place is supposed to be amazing."

Josh nodded, keeping his eyes on the brunet, who'd resumed their short trek down the narrow street. Josh's chest hurt, noticing how easily he trusted him with everything he had. That singer could be leading him like a lamb to slaughter, and Josh would keep on smiling with his gaze stuck on Tyler up until the butcher chopped his head off.

"See? It's just a restaurant. No hitman inside to murder you or anything." Tyler said with a smile, bringing Josh's attention back to what was in front of him.

A small restaurant was tucked in the corner of the alley, lights strung about the outside canopy. Small pots of flowers hung on the windowsills and the door of the restaurant was wide open and welcoming. Chairs and tables with white tablecloths were set up outside, but most people were scattered in the seats inside. They could already smell the food from where they were standing and Josh suddenly realized how hungry he was.

"How did you know this was even here?" He asked as he followed Tyler inside.

"I looked it up." The brunet said with his eyes down.

Before Josh could question any further, Tyler was putting up two fingers and telling the hostess, "Deux, s'il vous plaît."

Josh eyebrows drew together in surprise while his mouth dropped open a little bit as they were led to a table and sat down. He kept his hands in his lap while Tyler began to look through the little paper menu they were given, his thumb brushing over the worn corners of it.

Josh couldn't help but notice how intimate the setting was. The lights were dimmed to create a dusty, warm atmosphere, a candle was lit in the center of their table, and they had managed to be tucked away into the side of the restaurant where prying eyes were less likely to be found.

Tyler finally looked up when he noticed his friends's stare, his eyes flickering between Josh and back down to the menu a few times before finally settling on the other man's face, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

He cracked a smile. "What?"

Josh barked a laugh, widening his eyes even further. "Since when have you known any french? Not gonna lie, it caught me a little off guard." He chuckled.

Tyler immediately brought his gaze down, smiling wide enough to make his cheeks plump up. Even though the lighting was dim, Josh could've sworn there was a dusting of pink on his face.

"You wanted to hang out with me today alone for the first time in forever, you lead me down a dark alley, start speaking in other languages and don't even talk about it, like dude!" Josh exclaimed, throwing his hand up in the air.

Tyler's grin only grew. He looked up, their brown eyes connecting.

"I only know like, ten words in French." He confessed. "Yes, no, please, thank you, and one though five." Tyler smiled. "That's all I got to woo you with."

Josh's smile split his face, shaking his head as they both began to laugh. Josh's eyes squinted and white teeth shone, while Tyler's dimples dipped down into his soft tan cheeks as he lowered his gaze through his laugh.

It felt nice to be with him again. The ease, how genuine they were around each other. Josh sometimes felt his chest tighten with how hard he tried to keep his unbothered front up whenever they were in a group together. When it was just them, that facade was unnecessary and it was a relief not to have it.

"You know what I mean though." Josh said, once the giggles at their table subsided. His warm coffee eyes bored into Tyler's with the soft smile on his face. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

Tyler nodded, playing with the edge of the tablecloth.

"I just missed you."

Josh blinked. He felt his throat dry as if it was going to close, his teeth clenching at the words. He nodded, a tight lipped smile on his face.

"I miss you too."

Josh looked down but only for a moment, unable to bear keeping his eyes off of Tyler for any longer than that, his eyes immediately falling back to trace every line on the man's face. Josh ran his hands through his dyed hair.

"You're not just trying to get away from Jenna?" He joked.

Tyler shook his head. "Nah, I told her that today was a boys day."

Josh laughed, his eyebrows raising. "Boys day? Okay then. So tell me, what does a boys day entail?" He asked with a playful smirk.

Tyler flattened his hands on the table. "Well. Boys day means we do bro stuff all day. No girls allowed."

"None?" Josh chuckled.

"Zero." Tyler confirmed.

Josh smiled. "Sounds kinda lame, but I'm in."

Tyler laughed and Josh was happy to hear the sound once again.

Once they ate, they began to slowly go towards the outskirts of the city, trying to keep to the more secluded areas. Paris being the tourist attraction it was, would've brought far too many people into their path than they would've liked. On the smaller cobblestone streets with their cafes tucked away in corners, charming musical street performances, and small shops, they ended up spending the whole day out of sight and together.

The sun fell slowly as they stumbled over the uneven streets, ducked into small Parisian boutiques or stopped at food carts, doing whatever they felt in the moment. They stayed and watched a man play the mandolin for what could've been an hour and it felt like they didn't have anywhere to be for the next few years.

Tyler's head fell onto Josh's shoulder a few minutes in, and Josh wrapped an arm around the brunet's waist as they watched the old man perform for as long as they wanted. Tyler didn't even say anything about the arm around him, only letting Josh pull him closer. They gave the musician some money before strolling off to find another activity of interest. Anything seemed to feel like the right decision, and everything was okay.

Josh hadn't felt ease and freedom like this in what felt like forever. It felt like he hadn't really been like this with Tyler in forever.

Rosebushes lined the darkening street they were going down, small cars parked on the sides. Lights twinkled everywhere, and there was a shine in both of their eyes. The air was sweet and their smiles were wide and it seemed like they would never disappear as long as they were by each others sides.

It felt good. It felt like how it used to be.

The sky was a darkening, hazy pink backdrop behind Tyler as they walked. Josh stared at the silhouette of the man, only certain things like the apples of his cheeks or the tip of his nose still visible in the twilight. The wind blew around Tyler's soft brown hair and Josh heard him giggle at nothing.

"You wanna dance?" Tyler said with a lazy smile.

"What?" Josh laughed.

Tyler turned around, beginning to walk backwards before grabbing Josh's wrists, twisting his arms back and forth.

"I can hear music." Tyler said, beginning to walk faster, tugging Josh along with him before facing forwards again and running. Josh laughed loudly as the wind rushed past them, his boots and Tyler's vans slapping the ground as they ran down the dim street.

A bright streetlight suddenly illuminated the corner of the cross street they had found themselves in. Tyler was right. There was a violinist drawing a bow across his instrument with a case open in front of him for tips.

The music only added to what Josh had been feeling all day. Dreamy, happy, and content with the present. Like only good emotions and good things could come from tonight.

Tyler smiled at him, his cheeks blooming with red color and eyes shining with a look Josh had only seen Tyler give to him. Like he made flowers bloom in his chest.

Roses were peaking out from the brick wall behind the man and he only continued to smile widely.

I love him. Josh thought. I love him more than anything.

"Dance with me." Tyler said softly, coming closer.

He did the same thing as before, grabbing Josh's wrists and moving his arms back and forth, but at least it was slow and in time to the soft violin music. Josh laughed along but he couldn't help his thoughts.

Couldn't help but notice that Tyler wasn't taking his eyes off of him. Couldn't help but feel every pad of every fingertip Tyler had set on his unworthy skin. Couldn't help but let the night make them drunk and careless of consequences.

"M'gonna spin you now." Tyler muttered, his lips moving languidly as his eyes wandered Josh's face.

Josh laughed lightly again as Tyler lifted his arm up and let him twirl around his fingertips with awkward footwork. The lilac man's chest was warm with giggles and how helplessly in love he was with the man.

He was in the City of Love with his best friend, and they were dancing in the street under a dusk sky with scattered stars. Tyler could be with anyone right now in Paris. And he was with him.

Josh let himself indulge in the thought. He bathed in how wanted he was, how loved he felt by the only person who mattered to him. His cheeks hurt from smiling so wide at Tyler. God, he loved him.

The brunet man had let their arms drop from the spin a while ago, now their one joined hand was just swinging back and forth between them. Their fingers intertwined and tethered together, knuckles locked weakly as their limbs swung.

Tyler's eyes were that rich, deep brown they only were at night. Right now they looked like they could be hazel with the way the moonlight was hitting them. Josh stared and Tyler stared back and nothing felt wrong and everything was okay.

Josh didn't want to question it. They were young and it was nighttime. They were just dumb kids in Paris. But everything just felt so real. Like everything that had happened today was just raw intention and want. No fear for the future or what anyone would think. It was just them in the world, experiencing it. And Josh wanted to keep on believing that that was all that mattered. Just him and Tyler.

"I have an important question." Tyler said, his eyebrows raised.

Josh squeezed his hand, humming. He was too intoxicated with his feelings to do anything more than that.

Tyler came in just a little bit closer. He tilted his head down, raising his eyebrows further with a fake look of seriousness.

"Do you want to get crepes?"

Josh threw his head back. "Hell yes, I want to get crepes."

He opened his eyes, smiling with his teeth wide at the moon, thanking it for giving him one more thing to do with the man he loved tonight. He brought his head back, nodding and breathing in the cool night.

"Let's go."

They swung their hands back and forth as they wandered the street, looking for a vendor that was open. Their fingers were loose around each other, but any time one of them drifted just a bit too far, the other would tighten their grip and tug them back on course.

Josh absolutely loved it.

It was simple, they were touching. It was nothing. But Josh loved the feeling of Tyler's grasp on him tightening with the fear of losing him. It was the type of response he'd always wanted from the man.

He knew he was worth something to him, he knew he was Tyler's best friend, but he couldn't help wanting validation of that from time to time. It felt like Tyler was scared to do it sometimes.

Josh could tell that Tyler liked to use Jenna as an excuse sometimes to get away from him. He could tell from the way Tyler liked to escape a room as quickly as possible when they were alone together. As soon as Jenna appeared, he would disappear from Josh's sight and materialize right by her side.

They hadn't had a night like this since Tyler met Jenna. They'd had moments, maybe an hour or two if they were lucky, but never such a prolonged amount of time where they were together and no one was watching them lose their inhibitions.

"Want Nutella and strawberries on mine." Josh mumbled.

Tyler shot him a weak look of disapproval. "Basic."

"Classic." Josh corrected.

Tyler glared at him with tired eyes and Josh smiled at him. He laughed out loud, throwing his head back as red flowers bloomed in his chest.

"I'll get bananas on mine." Tyler said, muttering to the ground.

Josh leveled his head, looking at Tyler. "You hate bananas."

Tyler raised his eyebrows, glancing at him. "So do you. I'd buy it just to piss you off."

Josh rolled his eyes, unable to keep the smile off of his face. He pulled at their joined hands, beginning to wander closer to his left, the fingers of his free hand going to skim across the dirty stone wall that enclosed the road they were walking on. His shoulder began to drag across it, slowing him down as his feet stumbled over the uneven cobblestone.

Tyler whined as he let himself be dragged over by his hand. "Joshhh. Where're you going?"

"Let's take a break. We've been walking all day."

His back hit the wall, and Tyler followed, tripping over his feet a few times. Josh closed his eyes as he felt their weak grip on each other finally cease, last fingers on each other slipping out of their hold.

Josh tilted his head back before slowly sliding down the wall, sitting on the ground. Tyler watched him and followed, both of them stretching their legs out.

"I like this city." Josh whispered, looking out in front of him.

"Me too." He heard Tyler agree.

The night was quiet. There were echoes far away from where they'd been, but it was barely noticeable. You could hear crickets in the trees down the street and they hadn't seen a car drive past them in ages.

"I've missed this." Josh whispered softly. He didn't look at Tyler but he could feel the man's eyes on him.

"I've missed you." Tyler whispered.

Josh rolled his head across the wall to look at him. They both had their heads propped up against the wall, necks jutting out and eyes gazing without shame.

Tyler's eyes were contemplating. Josh could see it but he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to ruin what was making this night so perfect. The spontaneity, the comfort of just being with each other without asking questions or having regrets.

"Don't tell her." Tyler whispered.

Josh just stared at him.

The words didn't really register, they just echoed in his skull.

Then Tyler leaned over and pressed their lips together.

It was gentle, but it was sincere and it made Josh's senses wake up and kiss back. He sat up, moving his hand to Tyler's face and cupping his cheek.

The subtle noise of the world around them had silenced completely as soon as their lips connected. Tyler breathed softly against him with content, pressing their lips together harder. They held each other's faces in their hands like they were holding the world and Josh imagined that their hearts were beating in sync.

Tyler's hand had moved to Josh's neck, sliding his fingers through the purple curls. He parted his lips in surrender, letting Josh in and making him groan.  His breathing was soft and full of want in between their kisses and it was pure and beautiful in Josh's ears.

He tasted sweet, he tasted like Tyler and it was home and it couldn't have felt more right because Josh was so so in love with the man he couldn't begin to even bother with questioning any of it.

Tyler pulled away, but only to catch a breath and return with more quick kisses against Josh's lips. When he finally drew away a little more slowly, he rested his forehead against Josh's. His hands slid weakly to the base of Josh's neck, eyes still closed.

They breathed each other's breaths, hands still tracing one another's skin. Josh cracked his eyelids open to the blue glow of the night. Tyler was panting softly, his lips parted and sucked a dark red. They glistened under the moon and it made Josh moan and lean back up and kiss him one more time.

It was long and hard and Josh tried to memorize every single thing he could feel right then. The softness of Tyler's lips, the nose that was rubbing against his, the fingers in his hair, how strong Tyler's scent was, and how tightly Tyler was holding onto him like he never wanted to let go.

I love him.

Josh pulled away, opening his eyes. Tyler stared right back at him and his eyes were unreadable. They could've said anything, could've held any emotion at that moment. Josh couldn't tell what it was or if it was even negative or positive. 

Josh could've searched those eyes for hours looking for an answer, but then Tyler said something normal and his eyes shifted back to the friendly, smiling ones Josh loved so much so he couldn't be bothered to worry about it any longer.

Their hands found each other once again at some point once they stood up and started walking, drawn together like magnets. Everything felt so much better with Tyler's hands in his, Josh noticed.

Josh was dropped off at his room later that night with a warm crepe in his hand that had a bite taken out of it from Tyler. The brunet stayed by the open front door for a while, his tired head leaning on the doorframe.

Josh had his head lolled to the side. They smiled at each other lazily. Josh loved him.

"You were right." Tyler's tired voice scratched out.

He nodded to the food in Josh's hand. "Classic." He grinned.

Josh smiled even wider. "G'night Tyler.'

Tyler pushed off of the doorframe, reaching up to wrap his arms around Josh's neck. Josh was surprised but his body didn't show it as he immediately hugged Tyler's body closer, arms around the smaller man's waist. Tyler put his face in his neck and Josh could feel the red lips on his skin.

"Good night, Josh." Was muttered against his neck.

Even though Tyler's voice was muffled, Josh could tell the tone was different. His throat scratched upon words that were spoken with so much finality that it made the drummer's heart throb with pain for the first time that day.

Josh furrowed his brows as Tyler pulled back with his eyes rimmed with red.

Josh wanted to ask but he didn't. He didn't want to ruin it.

Tyler smiled weakly and backed away, walking to his room quickly before anything more could be said.

Josh shut his door, keeping his hand on the cold metal of the knob.

Tyler's fine. He'll be okay.

Josh closed his eyes and sighed.

He was a coward.

-

The next morning, Josh felt like he couldn't breathe.

There was applause and shrill noises of excitement that he knew surrounded him, but he just couldn't hear it. It felt like his ears and throat had been stuffed with cotton, unable to process what was going on around him, and unable to say a thing about it.

Everyone had stood up while Josh had stayed a few seconds too long leaning on the stage. Everyone was hugging them with wide, cheerful smiles and joyous eyes while Josh had barely been able to bring himself to hover in the back of the small crowd that had gathered around the two.

He felt unbalanced. His vision was tilting as he made his way over, the people thinning out slightly. He blinked erratically, trying to even out his breathing. Words of others muffled in his ears and Josh knew he didn't know what he was going to say, just that it had to be something.

People were slapping Tyler on the back, asking Jenna questions, and all sounding genuine.

Josh knew that was the one thing he couldn't be right now.

His stomach turned as he forced his mouth into a tight-lipped smile, trying to relieve the impossible tension in his movements.

"Congratulations." He heard himself say, wrapping an arm loosely around the brunet man's shoulders.

He pulled away and Tyler smiled softly at him. Genuine.

"Thank you, man." He'd uttered out gently.

He looked like he hadn't slept. He hadn't shaved off his five o' clock shadow and his eyes were exhausted, tired shades of brown.

Josh felt his stomach churn its contents over and over as he swallowed thickly on instinct, attempting to be courteous for a few moments longer.

He brought his eyes over to kind Jenna, who's eyes shimmered with a happiness Josh had never seen in her before. She looked like she was glowing just having Tyler beside her.

He scratched out the same word to her that he'd already spoken as he brought her in for a hug, burying his face in her blonde hair.

He pulled away, looking back and forth between the two of them. His crooked attempt at a grin was making his cheeks sore, but he forced himself to keep it up.

The couple smiled at him and Josh felt like he was going to throw up.

He soon felt his body being jostled as a few more people politely nudged past him to express their congratulations. Josh internally thanked them for giving him an opportunity to leave as he quickly turned around, feeling his mouth water.

His throat burned a rancid flavor as he swallowed down bile that was attempting to creep its way out of his stomach. His feet moved faster as he pushed out the large door that led out of the standing room area of the venue that Tyler and Jenna had gathered everyone in.

He was a child, foolish feelings choking his throat as he let himself get lost in the maze of stairwells that led to the outside.

Josh's head hurt and he felt like he couldn't breathe or even see correctly.

Josh went to wipe at his eyes. He was sure it was going to be a beautiful wedding. 

2015

Josh smoothed down his pale red hair pointlessly, only watching it puff back up to its natural, unruly state. He sighed weakly in defeat, staring back at his reflection. 

There was no one else with him in the back dressing room, everyone else mingling with the guests— something Josh really did not feel up to doing at the moment. He instead, stood in front of a mirror and fidgeted with the same three parts of his suit as he had been for the last thirty minutes.

Josh's stomach had been churning all day, and he had almost not come at all. But even now, he couldn't bring himself to disappoint Tyler. The knife lodged in his heart twisted with every passing minute he stood in the church, and yet he stayed.

He gazed up around the all white room, eyes dragging tiredly over the matching cushiony furniture and scattered bowls of potpourri. He had about another hour until Jenna was walking down the aisle, and Josh still didn't feel like it was enough time for him to soothe the nauseating anxiety he'd had since he woke up this morning.

A harsh slam of the door behind him suddenly sliced through the nervous silence Josh had been enveloped in. He turned around quickly in confusion, startled as the sharp noise only escalated his anxious thoughts.

He looked up, finding Tyler pressed up against the back of the door. His fitted tuxedo stretched out and hanging as his arms spread across the doorway, his chest heaving.

Tyler's eyes were on the ground as he breathed heavily. He twitched his fingers before suddenly moving away from the door and rubbing his face vigorously with his hands.

Josh furrowed his brows, recognizing the man's scatterbrained, paranoid movements.

"Tyler-"

Tyler's eyes immediately shot up to his.

"Josh, I can't do it." He interrupted before Josh could finish.

The brunet was quickly making his way towards him, his suit coat fluttering behind him from the speed. Josh felt like he couldn't move.

"I-I-I," Tyler was shaking as he walked around the furniture that separated them, his hand trembling as he tried to gesture with it.

"I-I don't know what to do," He wheezed out in a whisper, coming closer to Josh. "I can't-" He gulped a breath, "I can't do it."

Josh blinked quickly, his mind trying to separate the words coming out of Tyler's mouth and attach meanings to them, desperate for some sort of reasonable comprehension.

"Josh," Tyler pleaded.

He looked terrified.

Tyler's hands shook as he slowly raised them, before letting them fall weakly onto Josh's chest. His fingers fumbled at the man's white dress shirt until he found the lapels of Josh's jacket, gripping them tightly.

Josh's breath was catching in his throat as he watched the redness in Tyler's eyes grow deeper as he held back tears.

"Tyler, Tyler, listen." Josh said quickly, reaching out and holding the weak man by his shoulders. Seeing the man so hopeless and vulnerable only made Josh want to hold him, but he resisted. He needed to ground him with what little words he had.

"Yes you can." He assured. "I know you're worried, but this happens to every groom. You love Jenna-"

"No!" Tyler cried out, pushing off of Josh's chest and stumbling away. "Stop!"

Tyler rubbed at his dry face again, now standing what felt like miles away from Josh.

"Josh, I can't do this anymore!" He shouted, at the end of his rope.

The man's heart sped up as his body froze, unable to wrap his head around what was happening, what Tyler was saying.

Josh closed his eyes, his throat feeling dry.

"Tyler," He croaked out quietly. "what're- what're you talking about?"

Tyler shoved the palms of his hands into his eyes, rubbing them raw once again.

"I can't do it." He repeated weakly.

Josh's head throbbed with his heartbeat, an ache settling into his skull at his confusing words.

"I'm so tired." Tyler whispered.

Josh opened his eyes, looking up.

"I'm so tired of lying. I'm so tired of hurting, I'm tired of lying about everything to everyone and I can't do it, I can't do it anymore-"

"What are you talking about, Tyler!" Josh cried out, exasperated.

"This!" Tyler yelled. He tangled his hands in his brown hair.

"This! Jenna and lying and feeling this way, feeling like shit every single day, I'm fucking tired of it cause it's not working!"

"What isn't!"

Without even a second thought, Tyler crossed the space between them, grabbing at his shirt again but with far more force than before. He twisted the fabric and used it to push Josh into the wall, the man's back hitting it loudly as Tyler smashed their mouths together.

Josh immediately pushed into him, their lips slotting and moving against each other urgently, wet and angry. Their tongues moved messily and their hands slid along each other's bodies in deprivation.

Tyler reached his hand up and knotted his fingers in Josh's thick hair, the man relishing in the feeling a moment too long. The brunet's harsh breaths were one's that Josh was now realizing he worshipped as he wrapped his arms tightly around Tyler's waist and back, pressing him flush against him.

God, he loved it. He loved Tyler's red lips on his, the man's hands all over him, desperate and wanting.

But, he hated it too. He could already feel it seeping into his chest— the shame. The guilt from loving it too much. From stealing, taking a feeling that didn't belong to him.

Josh's heart bled. He could feel it.

It bled for one man. The one man he could never have in his arms. The one man he could never kiss and call his. Josh's heart bled for the one man that he still couldn't have.

The drummer's face twisted, trying to pull his face away only for Tyler to follow. He tried to speak, only to be silenced by the same pair of lips again.

Josh grunted, putting his hands on Tyler's chest and shoving him, sending the man stumbling several steps back.

"You need to fucking stop this, Tyler!" He growled.

Tyler's chest heaved, his darkened lips slick.

Josh rubbed at his temples with his palms, trying to find balance in his warm, muddled brain again. Reason was somewhere lost, floating in a place he couldn't reach. He shut his eyes, as if it would make anything in front of him less complicated.

"Listen. You love Jenna, you're here to marry Jenna. You're just confused and having cold feet." He tried rationalizing to the man.

"I didn't think it would get this far." Tyler whispered.

Josh opened his eyes. "What?"

Tyler locked eyes with him. "Don't you get it?" He muttered tiredly, shaking his head. "It's all a distraction." He rubbed weakly at his eyes with one hand. "That's all it ever was. And now we're getting married and I don't want it."

The brunet's eyes were on the floor, speaking straight from his mind. He laughed weakly, joy void in it.

"I never wanted it." He whispered.

There was a beat of silence and Josh's whole world spun for the entirety of it.

"I only ever wanted you." Tyler whispered.

Then it fell off its axis.

Josh felt like he could cry. His chest burned with a ferocity he had never known he was capable of and his head pulsed with emotions he couldn't bare.

"How could you say that to me?" Josh whispered.

His mind suddenly burned a violent red, his anger fuming and filling him to the brim. Frustration gnawed at his throat and tangled his words and intentions with hostility.

"How could- How could you-?" Josh screwed his eyes shut, pressing his fists into his temples. "God, do you even give a shit about me, Tyler!" He yelled.

Tyler straightened up his posture, confusion on his face. "Look, I get why you would be upset-"

"You're a fucking idiot!" Josh barked. "No, you don't! You couldn't know."

Tyler's eyes flamed with aggression, taken aback by the other man's words and sudden fury. "Don't tell me what I do and don't-"

"No!" Josh yelled. "You don't know what you're talking about and you sure as hell don't know how I feel. Do you wanna know why?" Josh asked mockingly.

He knotted his hands in his hair, frustrated with words that hadn't even made it out of his mouth yet.

"Cause we don't talk anymore, Tyler!" Josh said helplessly, his arms falling to his side. He came closer to the other man, feeling his chest aching. He stared at the man, their eyes locked in a hold.

"Cause you kissed me the night before you proposed." He said, finally.

Josh could feel his lip quiver. "And now you can barely stand to be in the same room as me, let alone talk about anything important."

Josh stood up straight, keeping his gaze on Tyler's suddenly submissive eyes. "Do you have any idea how that destroyed me?" He uttered. "What it was like losing my best friend?"

Tyler opened his mouth but nothing came out.

Josh shook his head. "No. You couldn't have. Because we haven't spoken about it since."

His throat felt raw with scraping emotions, a free, cleansing feeling almost in his grasp. His eyes burned into Tyler's.

"And I was fine with it." He spit. "I didn't say a goddamn thing about it. I didn't bring it up with you because I didn't wanna question it, even though all I wanted to do was tell you what I felt and ask if you were okay. I didn't wanna ruin our friendship and I didn't want you hating me. I didn't tell anyone else even though it fucking killed me."

Josh's face was flushed as he came closer. "And then you propose? And don't even tell me?"

He could feel his hands shaking and the hot tears in his eyes that were threatening to fall.

"I'm you're best friend, Tyler. That you kissed the day before. I didn't know what would happen or what any of it all meant but," He shrugged. "I was devastated when I saw that ring on Jenna's finger."

"Josh," Tyler spoke softly, concern evident in his soft eyes.

"No!" Josh yelled. "Stop acting like you care!"

Josh shook his head, his lips trembling uncontrollably. He quickly wiped at his eyes, streaking tears across his pink cheeks.

Tyler went to reach his hand out, his eyes sincere and eyebrows furrowed. Josh couldn't look at him before he spoke the next words he's always wanted, instead squeezing his eyes shut and feeling tears roll down the familiar trails diverging on his cheeks.

"I love you, Tyler." Josh whispered, ardently.

The man froze.

Josh looked up at the ceiling, sucking in a breath as his eyes burned. He leveled his head, looking at the unreadable expression on Tyler's face.

"And I didn't care that you never loved me back. Cause I figured, at least you were happy. And that's all I ever cared about." Josh laughed dryly, sniffling.

"God, all I ever care about is you, Tyler. Every waking moment since I've met you, all I do is care about you, and you have never once given a shit about how I feel." He uttered out, his voice hoarse, causing the words to tumble out roughly against his tongue.

"Not when it came to Jenna and sure as fuck not when it came to us."

Josh came even closer to Tyler's silent form. He leaned forward, their faces only a few inches apart. Tyler was shaking, his face a blank slate.

"But now you wanna go? And tell me that you do? That you only ever cared about me?" Josh whispered.

He leaned back, feeling tears slip down his cheeks. He shrugged, a weak gesture with his even weaker smile.

"It's you're wedding day, Tyler." Josh's voice cracked as he said it.

"Fuck. You." He whispered.

Silence suddenly swallowed the entire room whole. Josh stared at Tyler and Tyler stared back, the tension palpable in their hot breaths. The feeling finally settled in between them.

It was too late.

Josh locked his jaw, trying to keep the rest of his tears at bay. He straightened up his posture, finally pulling his face away from the other man's wide and red rimmed, glossy eyes.

"So get your shit together." He said gruffly. "Cause you're getting married, today."

Josh stared at Tyler, a long stretch of time spanning between their next few glances at each other. The brunet blinked at him, eyelids fluttering as his eyes wandered over the edges of Josh's face.

Josh recognized the movement.

"What?" He muttered, bitterly.

He knew there was something Tyler was contemplating. Everything was out in the open, so Josh didn't see why either of them had to have any filter now.

A thin sheen of tears reflected in Tyler's red speckled eyes, and Josh could tell Tyler was using a lot of his willpower just so they wouldn't fall. He opened his mouth, but nothing but a weak breath passed his cherry lips.

"I-I," Tyler's broken voice croaked. He wasn't looking at Josh anymore.

Josh ground his teeth, his nostrils flaring as he could feel his heart pound numbly, chest drenched in a thick feeling of dwindling anger and delaying despair the longer he stared at the other man.

Tyler's eyes suddenly flitted up to his.

"I don't love her." He whispered.

His lip quivered and Tyler quickly bit it to make it stop.

"I love you, Josh."

And like the last alive ember in a fire finally burning out, the final remnants of anger in him suddenly diminished.

Josh's chest lurched, his heavy heart twisting around years of scarred fault lines and throbbing throughout the bleeding fractures. It felt like the knife in his chest had ripped the dedicated, tired organ open completely.

Josh wanted to say that he hated him. God. He really did want to hate him. For bitten tongues and squandered opportunities. But he couldn't feel an ounce of it in his system. Even with swimming in resentment and rage only minutes before, he couldn't find it in himself to say such a thing now.

When Tyler had uttered those three words out into the atmosphere, Josh had felt the very vibrations of them in his bones.

He loved him.

Tyler loved him.

The space between them, put there by anger, suddenly felt like far too much distance. Josh stared on at the groom, and he could still feel it. The ache between his ribs, the signal of how severely attached and devoted he was to the man. It was just as strong as before. Maybe even worse.

Josh loved him.

And he needed to do what was best for him.

The red headed man sighed, coming closer. Tyler was leaning against arm of one of the sofas, his eyes cast down. Josh reached his hand out, settling it on his shoulder.

He took a breath. His throat suddenly drying, wanting to choke his words and stop them from being heard.

"No, you don't." He said softly.

Tyler glanced up at him, eyes glazed over and pink. Josh's mangled heart leaped to his throat.

"Tyler, you deserve happiness. With someone you love and cherish and who will fulfill you and support you. And for you, that's Jenna."

He clenched his jaw. He meant it. Tyler deserved it. Tyler deserved better than Josh's pathetic words and nervous hands. Better than his cowardice glances and misguided emotion.

Tyler deserved everything.

Josh couldn't be that.

He swallowed thickly around his sour throat, taking a deep breath.

"So you're going to go out there, and you're going to marry that woman. Because you love her. You're happy with her." Josh's voice faltered and he looked down, gathering himself.

"You deserve someone like her." Josh whispered into the fragile air.

Tyler was silent and Josh couldn't look at him. He stared at the swirling brown patterns of the carpet under his feet, listening to Tyler's breathing. When Josh did look up at him, he tried to put on a happy expression. His lips already felt weak at the futile attempt.

"I'm-" He breathed.

Josh looked down again, swallowing thickly in pain before trying again for the smile he could only hope Tyler believed was real.

"I was one night. She's your whole life."

The room was quiet. Josh could hear his shallow heartbeat as he stared at the brunet who wouldn't look at him.

Tyler believed him.

And within a few minutes, Josh had straightened out Tyler's suit and hair, and had gotten him to stand at the alter, both of their hands shaking. Josh stood to the side with the other groomsmen, his eyes cast down the line to Tyler, who's fingers still fidgeted with nerves and eyes bounced around the room in uncertainty.

Tyler suddenly looked to him, scared and desperate for validation.

Josh nodded, smiling softly. Genuinely. They both needed this.

He watched Tyler take in a shaky breath, before blowing it out and nodding with his face flushed. 

Then, the music swelled and the doors opened. Tyler and everyone else in the crowd turned, their eyes on the bride. Josh had kept his eyes on Tyler for a few moments longer than anyone else.

The priest speaks and Josh can't hear a word they say. He takes deep breaths, nodding to himself.

This was what was right. He thinks as his dry throat is pulled so taut from anxiety he can barely breathe.

This was what was right. He thinks as his stomach turns over as they exchange vows.

This was what was right. He thinks as he clenches his jaw when he feels he feels the uncontrollable tremors of his lips, pressing his hands into fists.

Then suddenly, his ability to hear resurges, coming back to him swiftly for only two words. It was Tyler's voice.

"I do."

There was more.

Josh knew there was more because the people around him began to move around excitedly and everyone in the pews began shouting happily and applause had erupted all around him. Cameras flashed and everything grew in volume. But he couldn't bring himself to do anything but look straight ahead.

And there, standing to the left of a sight he couldn't watch, Josh felt his heart bleed out.