Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Now we all fall for the bad ones,
They’ll just break us cause we’re so young, dumb and vulnerable.”

- Mayday Parade, Angels

* * *

Phil Lester is in love, and it’s such a beautiful feeling. It leaves him lightheaded with a feeling in his chest that makes him feel like the Grinch - like his heart had grown two sizes - and a swarm of butterflies flying around in the pit of his stomach, their wings flapping at top speed as they soar around in dizzying circles. And he’s smiling, god is he smiling. He’s smiling non stop, his cheeks aching but pain is irrelevant and he doesn’t even feel anything except for love. He just feels love, and it makes everything feel bright and shiny and new, like he’s discovering new colors. It makes everything feel like a cheesy musical from the 80s, and god is it disgustingly cheesy but Phil’s walking around, singing love songs at the tops of his lungs and every lyric hits home because he’s in love. God, is he in love.

And then he wakes up. And the feelings are gone, and the colors aren’t bright and shiny and new, and there are no love songs with lyrics that hit home. He wakes up and he realizes that he isn’t really in love, that it’s all just a fantasy, a dream not come true. He wakes up and he’s alone.

Truth be told, Phil should probably be used to it by now; he’s been single for the past couple of years. There’s been dates here and there, nothing serious, and on the off chance that they actually ended well for him, it was nothing worth committing over. And aside from viewers, who technically don’t count, no one’s really shown him any romantic interest. Everyday, he wakes up in a bed too big for just one person with half of it empty and he feels empty. Like something - someone - is missing from his life but that’s the worst part; someone is missing, but he doesn’t know who. So he can’t go out and get them and bring them back into his life, he has to wait for them to find him.

So he waits, and he continues waiting, and he’s been waiting for years, and he’s still alone.

Most of the time, he doesn’t mind the wait because he knows in the end - whenever it may come - it all would have been worth it, but lately, the wait seems neverending and as much as he hates to admit it, Phil just wants someone. He wants someone who will love him as much as he loves them, someone that will makes him feel all the things that he feels in his dreams. He wants someone. He wants to be someone’s someone.

* * *

Phil brings his knuckles up to tap against the door frame of their office, but then notices the headphones covering Dan’s ears and he opts to throw a small pillow at him instead to catch his attention. He smirks a bit when Dan jumps and screams, “Jesus Christ!” in shock, and then turns around to glare at his friend. “Can I help you?” he asks, sarcasm dripping from his lips.

“I’m going out to Topman to pick up some new clothes for Playlist,” Phil tells him. Even though it’s still a month before Playlist Live, he wants to be prepared, as he’s probably going to leave all of his packing to literally hours before their plane takes off. Besides, he wants a new shirt, preferably with birds on it, for Florida.

“I can come with you.” Dan offers, but he’s been seated at his desk for hours working on this video and Phil can easily see he’s only halfway through it.

“No, you’ve got to finish this video. I don’t want to break your rhythm.” Phil tells him. “And besides, I don’t mind going alone.”

“If you’re sure.” Dan tells him, going to turn around but then stopping himself to tell Phil, “Just don’t do that thing where you buy something stupid when you can’t find what you actually need.”

“Dan, I haven’t done that in months.” Phil rolls his eyes.

Dan reaches over for something on the desk and picks it up, revealing to Phil a package of multi-colored index cards. “You did it last week.” he says.

“We need index cards!” Phil insists. “For… note taking purposes.”

“Then why hasn’t it been opened?” Dan asks him, a condescending smirk on his face that Phil decides to wipe away completely by taking the package of index cards - which, yes, he did buy because he couldn’t find what he was actually looking for in the store but that’s besides the point - and opening them, then grabbing a pen and writing “Dan smells” and handing it to his housemate.

“There, now it’s fulfilled its purpose.” Phil says triumphantly, and then turns on his heel to head out of the apartment for the afternoon and get some shopping done.

* * *

Truth be told, Phil isn’t the best shopper. He’s a bit indecisive and it’s even worse when he’s alone. He’s easily swayed by sales associates trying to get him to buy something - anything, really - and whenever his goal is to buy more than one thing, he always ends up leaving with a cool looking t-shirt, which is great… for one day, not an entire weekend. Although, Dan does this thing where he decides his new shirt his his absolute favorite and wears it all the time - but Phil likes variety. So he needs to leave Topman today with more than one really cool tshirt, that’s his mission and he chooses to accept it.

He walks around Topman, albeit a bit aimlessly as he isn’t entirely sure where to start… shirts, then shorts? Shorts, then shirts? Should he even get shorts? How hot will Florida be? What if it rains? Maybe he doesn’t need any form of trousers and just stick with getting some new shirts. But how many shirts should get get? Should he be daring and consider getting a vest? Or maybe -

“Excusez-moi.” Phil pauses in his search for the perfect shirt at the sound of a masculine voice with a French accent, and turns around, blinking at the sight of a six foot tall brunette with deep brown eyes and a wide smile standing before him. “Would you like some assistance?”

“Uh,” Phil pauses for a second, licking his lips and reminding himself not to say anything stupid in front of the cute boy - even though he probably will. “Actually, yes, I would.”

“I thought so, you looked a bit… lost.” the sales associate - Phil glances at his nametag and sees that his name is Leo - tells him with a sheepish smile. “So, what are you looking for?”

“Well, I’m going to Florida next month,” Phil starts. “So I guess some t-shirts… uh, probably a pair of shorts-”

“Ah, I know just the thing!” Leo interrupts him. He beckons for Phil to follow him, which he does, and Leo leads him over to a rack of clothing. He sifts through the tops for a moment before selecting a floral vest and showing it to Phil. “This, this is perfect.” he declares.

Phil bites his lip, taking a moment to chose his words carefully. “I’m not sure.” he finally says, hesitantly. “I - I’m not really a vest person -”

“Ah, but you have such great shoulders.” Leo tells him, and Phil’s face suddenly feels hotter than the surface of the sun.

“I do?” he squeaks, then clears his throat. He’s almost positive that the entire top half of his body is red.

“Great shoulders.” Leo repeats, and once again tries to hand him the best. “At least try it on? You might like it once you’re wearing it.”

“I - okay.” Phil gives in, because no one’s ever told him that he has great shoulders before and Leo’s accent is so nice and pretty, Phil can’t help but to at least consider buying the shirt. Even if he doesn’t like vests.

“You said you needed shorts right?” Leo asks him, and when Phil nods, he leads him over to another rack of clothing and helps him find a pair of shorts that match the vest he picked out for him. And in just a matter of minutes, Leo’s assembled a complete outfit for him - an outfit he wouldn’t even pick out for himself, to be honest. But Leo insists that he’s going to look magnifique, as apparently he has great shoulders and “nice long legs that were meant for shorts”, and Phil’s positive that he hasn’t blushed this much in his entire life.

Leo helps him put together two more outfits, and then helps him pick out something he actually came for - a really nice tropical birds roller t-shirt and a black t-shirt with an American flag printed Mickey Mouse on it. Leo encourages him to try on his new outfits, which is honestly Phil’s least favorite part of shopping, but he knows Leo’s right; he won’t know for sure that he likes the clothes until he tries them on.

He sends Phil in the direction of the changing rooms, where he puts on the first outfit, the floral vest and the shorts, which honestly, even though it’s not an outfit that Phil would pick out for himself, actually looks really nice together. However, he can’t help but to feel a bit exposed, as his shoulders and arms and legs are all bare, and he shivers because Topman is cold and he’s not used to showing this much skin.

“Everything okay in there?” Leo’s voice rings out, and Phil’s ears go red at the realization that he probably spent longer than he needs to in the changing room. He chokes out a, “Fine!” and then steps out so Leo can see his outfit. Leo smiles another wide smile when he sees Phil, “Wow.” he says. “You look incredible.”

Phil rubs the back of his head bashfully, “You probably say that to all your customers.” he says.

“Nah.” Leo shakes his head. “None of my customers are as cute as you.” he says with a wink, and yeah, Phil literally cannot stop blushing.

By the end of his evening, he ends up buying all three of the outfits that Leo had picked out for him, as well as the two t-shirts he picked out, and maybe he went a little over his budget but Leo is quite convincing, and Phil might’ve fallen a bit for his French accent.

He pays for everything and as Leo hands him the receipt, he tells him, “I know this isn’t entirely professional, but I had a good time talking to you today, and I wrote my number on your receipt in case you wanted to continue…” he motions between himself and Phil and says, “This.”

“O - okay.” Phil stutters, unable to fight the smile on his lips as he looks down at the receipt in his hands and sees Leo’s number scrawled out across the top of it. He glances up at him one final time and smiles, the pair of them bidding each other adieu before Phil leaves the store.

Phil’s in a daze as he leaves Topman and heads towards his bus, and he can’t stop thinking, did this really happen? Honestly this is something out of a book or a movie because cute guys don’t just give out their numbers to him, especially not ones with attractive French accents and deep brown eyes you could get lost in for hours. For a second he considers the fact that maybe this isn’t real, and maybe he’s having another one of those great dreams that leave him feeling empty and lonely when he wakes up - but then he trips over a crack in the sidewalk and nearly falls on some lady seated on a bench, banging his knee on the side of the bench in the process and it hurts like a bitch so he knows this has to be real.

He looks down at Leo’s number once more; he told him to text him if he wanted to continue “this” but what even is “this”? Sure they flirted a bit, well Leo flirted with him and Phil awkwardly accepted his compliments, but was that even grounds for the start of something new?

He boards his bus, taking a seat in the back by the window, and he stares down at Leo’s number and his phone before deciding, fuck it, because he’s never going to know unless he tries. He carefully keys in Leo’s number, then goes to text him, but pauses. What should he say? ‘Hey, it’s me - the guy from Topman from five minutes ago’ or should he be more casual and just say ‘Hey’ but then he might not know who the hell is texting him and he might not reply. He could just simply say ‘Hey, it’s Phil’ but then he remembers that he never told Leo his name and Phil groans to himself, because this should not be that hard.

Finally, he just settles on texting him ‘Hi’ and he hopes for the best.

About two minutes later (because he definitely was not staring at his phone waiting for a reply), his cell phone vibrates and he fumbles to unlock it and read the message he had received.

‘Would this happen to be the beau monsieur who I assisted in Topman a few minutes ago? :)’

Phil’s eyebrows knit together, and he goes to Safari to Google search “beau monsieur” because he wasn’t the best at French in school so it probably doesn’t mean what he thinks it means. It takes him a bit of scrolling, but soon enough he finds out that Leo just called him handsome, and it’s enough to make him start smiling and blushing all over again.

He ends up texting Leo for the entire duration of his bus ride, and his cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, and Leo is just so funny and cute and he really likes Phil and Phil really likes him. Again, it was like something out of a book or a movie, and their connection was instantaneous and there was a spark between them and it’s enough to keep them to keep them talking. As he’s walking off of the bus, he checks his phone once more and nearly trips when he sees that Leo asked him out on a date for this weekend.

His palms are sweaty and he nearly drops his phone as he struggles to walk and text, and he keeps telling himself ‘be cool, be cool’ but he doesn’t think he can be cool about anything because he just got asked out on a date and it feels like it’s been eons since that’s happened.

It takes him three tries to accept Leo’s date in a way that doesn’t make him sound like a complete knob, but when he finally does, he can tell Leo’s just as excited as he is and they make plans to properly talk on the phone later tonight to solidify their plans, and Phil is all but shaking with anticipation because he’s going on a date this weekend. And he can’t remember a time when he was this happy.

He feels like he’s floating as he walks inside of the flat, and Dan notices straightaway. “You’re in a good mood.” he says to him. “Did you get a really awesome shirt at Topman?”

“Yeah, I did get a really awesome shirt,” Phil says, placing his bags down on the floor as he sits next to Dan on the couch. “And a date!” he says with a wide smile.

“A date?” Dan repeats, his eyes widening a bit. “You - you have a date?”

“Yes!” Phil is positively giddy as he explains meeting Leo - who helped him shop and then gave him his phone number - and how the two of them were texting during the entire duration of Phil’s bus ride home. He goes on to tell Dan how funny and cute Leo is (he even goes as far showing Dan some of the messages Leo had sent him), and he tells him how Leo asked him out on a date and he said yes, and once again he can’t keep the smile off of his face.

Dan, however, isn’t smiling. “Wow, this really isn’t like you, Phil.” he says after taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

“I know,” Phil admits. “But he seems really nice and I’m not going to lose anything by accepting a date with him.”

“You don’t even know him.” Dan points out.

“Well, that’s kind of the point of a first date.” Phil argues.

“I just think it’s a bit… strange to accept a date with someone you’ve only talked to for an hour,” Dan says carefully. “Don’t you think you’re rushing things a bit?”

“No, I don’t.” Phil says confidently, though truth be told, he is feeling a bit deflated now. “Leo’s nice and I like him, so we’re going on a date. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing’s wrong with that, I’m just saying -”

“Need I remind you,” Phil interrupts. “I’m almost thirty, so I’m pretty sure I can make my own decisions about who to date. Plus, I appreciate the concern but I can take care of myself.” he tells him, and Dan just rolls his eyes. Phil sighs, almost defeated by Dan’s lack of enthusiasm over his news. It’s not like he expected party poppers and confetti, but maybe a smile would be nice. “I’m just excited!” he tells him. “I haven’t been out on a date in a long time, okay? And it’s not like I get asked out often - nevertheless flirted with.”

Dan scoffs, “Excuse me, I flirt with you all the time!”

Phil rolls his eyes, “You telling me corny pickup lines so I make you dinner isn’t exactly flirting.” he tells him. “And besides, that’s joke flirting; I’m talking about serious flirting like Leo was doing today” Dan sighs, discontented. and Phil’s eyebrows knit together. “Why aren’t you happy for me?” he asks him.

Dan bites his lip. “I am happy for you,” he says, suddenly feeling guilty for the way he’s acted in response to Phil’s big news. “Trust me, I am; I’m just looking out for you, okay?”

“Well, I appreciate your concern,” Phil says. “But don’t worry about me; there’s nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be just fine.”

* * *

The weekend rolls by faster than Phil expects it to, and before he knows it, he’s getting ready for his date with Leo. His hands are shaking as he rifles through his closet, looking for the perfect thing to wear, and he’s sweating so much, even though he’s taken a shower he’s considering taking another.

He turns to Dan, who’s supposed to be helping him, but he’s just lying on his bed with his laptop open, scrolling through whatever website, Phil doesn’t know and he kind of doesn’t care because he’s got a one track mind at the moment and it’s focused on his date. “Dan, help me!” he whines.

Dan glances up at him. “Are you planning on meeting Leo in a towel?” he asks, a teasing smirk twitching at his lips.

“No!” Phil pouts. “I don’t know what to wear, and I just want to look nice!”

“You always look nice,” Dan says idly, looking back down at his laptop screen. “Stop stressing so much.”

“I can’t help it! I want tonight to be perfect,” Phil tells him.

“It’s a first date, nothing about it is going to be perfect,” Dan tells him, which is actually no help at all.

“Any advice?” Phil tries. “You know, seeing as you are my best friend and you probably should be kind of encouraging right now?”

Dan pauses, as if he’s actually mulling this over, and he finally just says, “You guys are going to Starbucks right? Don’t spill your coffee on him.”

Phil sighs. “Thanks.” he mumbles, then turns away from Dan, looking back inside of his closet to try and find something to wear tonight.

Dan bites his lip, glancing up at Phil again, before shutting his laptop and climbing off of his bed to stand behind Phil, and he rests his chin on the dark haired boy’s shoulder and tells him, “Wear plaid. You always look really nice in plaid.”

“Oh.” Phil seems startled. “Thank you.”

“And just try and relax, okay?” Dan continues. “You’re a really great guy, and Leo’s going to love you even more after tonight. Just… be yourself.”

Phil worriedly chews on his bottom lip. “What if myself isn’t good enough?” he asks hesitantly, something that’s been on his mind for a while now. There has to be a reason that nobody’s wanted to date him for sometime now; maybe it’s him. Maybe he’s just not good enough for anyone.

“Then he’s the one who’s not good enough,” Dan says firmly. “Because - no pun intended - you’re amazing, and anyone who doesn’t think you are is a spoon.”

The older boy chuckles a little. “Thanks.” he says, tilting his head to the side so it’s resting next to Dan’s.

“Now, get dressed, you’re running out of time.” Dan tells him and Phil yelps when he realizes that Dan’s right and he is running out of time to get ready. He finishes getting himself physically ready just in time, as Leo is ringing their bell just as he gets his shoes on, but he’s barely mentally ready for this. He feels like a teenager going on their first ever date; his stomach is doing flips and his heart is pounding a mile a minute, and he can’t remember a time he was this nervous.

Inhaling a deep breath, he exits his room and makes his way to the lounge where Leo and Dan are waiting for him. Leo stands as he walks in the room, and Phil waves shyly at him. “Hey.”

“Hey, you.” Leo tells him, his accent as this as Phil remembered it and even though it’s been a few days since he'd last heard Leo’s voice, it still makes him melt. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Phil smiles as Leo reaches for his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he finds himself hoping that his palms aren’t as sweaty as he thinks they are. He turns his head over his shoulder as Leo’s walking him out, looking back at Dan with a wide smile on his face, and Dan gives him two thumbs up and mouths, “Good luck.” to him.

* * *

Phil’s all but relieved when Leo offered to take him to Starbucks for their date, as it’s a familiar place to him and overall relaxing to him, and that’s just what he needs tonight. He hates that he’s so nervous and worked up about all of this, because he’s a grown man and he shouldn’t be so terrified to go on a date - but he is, he’s terrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Because Leo is just so great and even though he’s only known him for a few days, he really does like him and he wants this to work out.

But Leo’s just so smooth and charming, and he keeps flashing Phil that wide smile of his and Phil never thought it’d be possible to find someone’s teeth attractive, but it’s as if Leo has piano keys in his mouth and he’s never seen a smile more perfect. He holds Phil’s hand tightly in his own, his thumb caressing his knuckles and he fills the empty silences between them with questions for Phil to answer so he can get to know him. And Phil’s replies are a bit shaky, but Leo holds onto his every word, as if what he’s saying is the best thing ever.

They make it to Starbucks without Phil tragically embarrassing himself (he gives himself a little pat on the back for not tripping or anything), and once they’re at the front of the line, the barista asks for their order.

Phil opens his mouth to order his favorite drink, a caramel macchiato, but Leo beats him to the punch and orders two salted caramel mochas for the pair of them. He turns to Phil and smiles, “Is that alright with you?” he asks.

Although Phil had never tried that drink before, he nods eagerly and tells him, “It’s great.”

They get their drinks, then find a table in the back, secluded from everyone else, and Phil and Leo sit across from each other, drinks in hand and smiles on their faces. “So,” Phil starts the conversation. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, mon cher.” Leo tells him.

Phil blushes, “Uh, this is probably a dumb question-”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Leo cuts in quickly, reaching out for Phil’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

Goosebumps explode all over Phil’s arms and he can feel shivers rolling down his spine in waves, and he exhales a nervous laugh before he asks Leo, “What - what made you want to ask me out? I’m kind of curious.”

“Why not?” Leo replies with a shrug. “You seemed like a really sweet guy, and not to mention, very cute.”

“Oh, stop it.” Phil chuckles, looking down at his drink bashfully.

“You are cute though.” Leo insists. “I like your eyes.” Phil blushes again, toying with the stirrer in his cup, and glances up when Leo asks him, “So, why did you say yes to going out with me?”

“Why not?” Phil retorts, and they both chuckle. “I thought you were really nice, and I really liked your accent.”

“I get that a lot.” Leo says, and Phil chuckles again.

“So, what brings you to London?” Phil asks him. “I mean, assuming you aren’t originally from here.”

“Well, you’d be right about that.” Leo says. “I lived in France for most of my life, but after I high school, I took a gap year and did a lot of travelling. I stumbled upon London while I was travelling, and fell in love with the city, so I decided as soon as I had the chance, I would move out here. And it’s a lucky thing that I did.” he adds, winking at Phil.

“Stop making me blush!” Phil laughs, looking down bashfully.

“But you’re so cute when you blush.” Leo tells him, reaching out to lightly stroke his red cheek lovingly. “You’re even cuter when you laugh and your tongue pokes out.”

“Oh shush, I’m not that cute.” Phil tells him, feeling overwhelmed in the best way possible by Leo’s words. “Not nearly as cute as you are, Mr. Six-Foot-And-French.”

Leo laughs, and it’s a loud, rich sound that rings out in Phil’s ears and gives him the same feeling he gets when he listens to his favorite song. “You’re funny, Philip.” when he says Phil’s full name, it sounds like he’s adding on an ‘e’ at the end and Phil never thought he’d like his name French-ified, but hearing Leo say it sounds nice. Really nice.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” he says with the utmost sincerity.

Leo grins at him. “So,” he starts. “What’s your story?”

Time ticks on and before either of them have realized it, the minutes turned to hours, and they both agree to get another drink just so they have an excuse to stay seated across from each other with their fingers interlocked across the table. And the conversation keeps flowing, and it’s soon transformed from basic getting to know you stuff to “Wow, you like that too? I thought I was the only one!” They soon find that they both have so much in common, more than either of them would’ve thought, and it doesn’t take long for Phil to realize that he was right before; he really did have nothing to lose when he said yes to Leo asking him out, but he had no idea he would’ve had so much to gain.

After a while, Phil’s phone vibrates in his lap, which causes him to jump slightly. He sees it’s Dan calling him, and he excuses himself for a moment, getting up and heading to the men’s room to answer the call. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.” Dan says. “Sorry for interrupting, but I just wanted to make sure everything was going okay.”

“Yeah, it’s going really great.” Phil tells him, his lips stretching into a smile. “Leo is really amazing, and I think we’re hitting it off.”

“Ah, that’s good.” Dan tells him. “So I don’t need to show up because of a sudden relative death and whisk you away to the hospital?”

“Not at all,” Phil grins widely. “Don’t wait up, yeah?”

“Gross.” Dan says, and Phil chuckles. The two of them say goodbye to each other, and Phil exits the bathroom, making his way back to Leo.

“Everything alright?” Leo asks him.

“Yeah, it was just Dan.” Phil replies, holding his phone up before pocketing it and bringing his hands back to the tabletop, and Leo reaches out for his hands, lacing their fingers together. Phil looks up at him and smiles, and Leo smiles back.

“So,” Leo breaks the silence. “We’re just about done here, how about we go for a walk before you go back home?”

“Sounds great.” Phil says, and their date extends for another hour, as Phil and Leo walk hand in hand through the streets of London. Whenever Phil thinks they’re going to run out of things to talk about, they never do, and there aren’t anymore awkward silences. And Leo makes Phil smile until his cheeks hurt and laugh until he can’t breathe, and everything about tonight was so simple yet it was so perfect - like something out of one of his dreams.

The date comes to a proper close when the two of them find themselves back in front of Phil’s apartment, and Leo’s lips are on Phil’s and he feels weightless. He feels like he could float up to the sky like a balloon and the only thing keeping him literally grounded right now is Leo’s arms around his waist, holding their bodies close. Phil’s eyes fluttered shut upon original impact, but he swears he can see stars right now.

A moment passes before they break their kiss, and Phil rests his forehead against Leo’s for a moment, and he asks him softly, “So, am I going to be seeing you again, Philip?”

“Of course,” Phil’s voice is soft like Leo’s is, like the two of them are exchanging a secret meant only for their ears, and Leo gives him one final peck on the lips before they depart for the evening.

* * *

Phil feels like he’s walking on clouds as he makes his way up to the main floor of their flat, and he realizes that it’s everything he’s ever dreamed of - literally - except, it’s even better than anything he’s ever dreamed of because it’s real.

“Oh hey,” Dan says when Phil enters the lounge. He’s seated on the couch with the TV on, but there’s a bunch of infomercials currently playing, which tells Phil that he really wasn’t paying attention to whatever he was meant to be watching. It doesn’t take a genius to know that Dan was waiting up for him to get home. “So, how was your date?”

“Incredible.” Phil sighs and he grabs one of their throw pillows and hugs it to his chest, and he feels like a giddy teenager. “I had a really great time.” he adds. “And I’m pretty sure that we’re going to be going on a second date.”

“That’s great.” Dan’s smile is too wide and all but forced, and he feels terrible about wishing that Phil’s date wouldn’t go so well, because he’s selfish and he likes Phil and wants him all to himself. And it’s going to hurt in more ways than one if Phil winds up with a boyfriend, but he’s not so selfish where he’ll actually tell Phil any of this. Phil’s happy right now, the happiest he’s ever seen him in a long time, and Phil’s happiness is more important to him than his own. So he’s going to shut his mouth and force a smile for as long as he needs to. “I’m glad you had such a good night.”

“Yeah, me too.” Phil sighs happily, and okay, Dan kind of wants to puke because now he feels like he’s in a John Hughes movie and Phil is Molly Ringwald and he’s just been cast as her best friend who gets to listen to her sigh happily about a guy.

“D’you maybe wanna watch some TV with me?” Dan asks him, reaching for the remote to put on a movie or something for them to enjoy together. “And you can tell me all about your date.”

Phil opens his mouth, ready to say yes, when his phone starts vibrating. He looks down and sees that Leo’s calling him. “Yeah, just give me a second.” he tells Dan, before getting to his feet to leave the room and talk to Leo.

Dan sighs a bit, and turns his attention back to his laptop, pretending that whatever just happened didn’t hurt as much as it did.

* * *

The remainder of the month goes by in a blur of dates - Phil’s and Leo’s dates - and Dan finds himself on the sidelines watching it all, like a soccer mom cheering on her kid. Except he feels less like a soccer mom, and more like a jealous asshole because that’s kind of what he really is.

He’s happy for Phil, he really is. And he hasn’t seen Phil this happy in a long time, so that in itself makes him happy as well, but there’s still a part of him that isn’t happy. Because for the past four years, it’s always been just the two of them, and now they’ve got someone else in the picture and Dan can’t stop thinking that he’s going to be replaced.

It’s no secret that Phil likes Leo, really likes him. When they aren’t out on dates, they’re talking to each other all of the time - texts, phone calls, facetime calls. Leo’s not over that often, but Dan almost always hears his voice echoing off the walls, and he can’t help but to roll his eyes at the sound of his annoying French accent. There’s just something about Leo… something that he can’t put his finger on, but Dan really wants to dislike him. He doesn’t though, and that’s the worst part. Leo is so charming and sweet and he makes Phil so happy, that Dan can’t help but to like him a bit.

But there’s that voice in the back of his mind that keeps bringing up the idea that Dan could end up replaced by Leo, and then there’s the part of him that wants to dislike Leo for that reason alone. And he knows it’s wrong (and he knows he’s a selfish and jealous asshole) but Phil is his best friend, and there’s no one he loves in the world more than Phil - as a friend and as more than a friend - so the idea of losing Phil terrifies him. And Leo’s already so much better than he is in so many ways, he wouldn’t blame Phil for liking him more, but that hasn’t made the past month any easier on him. It’s like he’s a little kid and his parents have separated, and now he has to get used to the fact that they’re seeing other people now; and it’s weird and he doesn’t know how to adapt to any of this, he just knows he has to.

Ultimately, he doesn’t tell Phil any of this. When Phil leaves for one of his dates, he smiles and tells him to have a good time. When Phil leaves in the middle of their anime watching sessions to talk on the phone with Leo, he tells him to tell Leo he said hi. But he doesn’t tell him how he really feels about any of this, because he isn’t that selfish and he doesn’t want to put Phil in a predicament that would make him uncomfortable. He just wants him happy, and if Leo makes him happy, then he’s just going to put his feelings about the situation aside and simply grin and bear it.

* * *

Phil can’t even describe the euphoria he feels today, the hour before his and Leo’s fifth date - which might end up being his favorite date that they’ve been on, as they’re going to the zoo. Phil honestly feels like a little kid again because he loves the zoo and he loves animals, and he loves spending time with Leo so call him silly, but he feels like today could be the best day ever.

When Leo finally arrives, he bids Dan adieu, and they both catch the bus to the zoo. Phil struggles to contain himself as he and Leo are thrust into the world of animals, and he resists the urge to run up to every animal that he can and try and pet or talk to them. But despite him trying to tone it down, for Leo’s sake, he does have a great time. They manage to see almost of the animals, and Leo’s animal impressions are so ridiculous that they make Phil laugh so hard, he thinks he’s got abs by the end of their trip.

Their zoo date is coming to a close after a few hours, and they walk together, hand in hand as per usual, to catch their bus back home. “Today was really great,” Phil says as he and Leo walk a bit, swinging their hands back and forth slightly.

“I’m glad you had such a good time.” Leo grins at him, and he raises Phil’s hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles lightly. “So,” Leo stops the two of them in their walk and moves so he’s standing in front of Phil. “This may be a bit old fashioned of me, but I have something I’d like to ask you.”

“Okay…” Phil says slowly, a nervous chuckle ripping at his throat as he feels his heart rate pick up slightly.

“So,” Leo says again, and both he and Phil chuckle nervously. “This might be a dumb question-”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Phil cuts in, giving Leo’s hand a reassuring squeeze - just like their first date, and they both smile fondly.

“Right, so you know what? I’m just going to say it.” Leo says and he takes a deep breath, smiling at Phil and asks him, “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Phil’s heart has leapt up into his throat and he can barely choke out, “Of course!” happiness radiating off of him, as he squeezes Leo’s hands even tighter. And Leo pulls him to him, kissing him on the lips, then on the tip of his nose afterwards, and Phil was right; today was the best day ever.

* * *

“Dan? Dan!” Phil holds Leo’s hand tight in his own as the pair of them make their way through the house, heading towards Phil’s bedroom where they’re going to formally announce to the world (well, to the portion of the internet that are subscribed to him) that they’re together - but not before Dan knows.

“Yeah?” Dan meets them in the hallway, and he sees the giddy smiles on both of their faces and he raises an eyebrow. “What’s up?”

“Leo asked me to be his boyfriend!” Phil says happily, and Dan’s stomach drops at the news and he’s getting that John Hughes Film feeling right now because he’s almost positive this is how Duckie felt in ‘Pretty in Pink’ and it’s a pretty shit feeling.

But Phil looks so happy right now, and he can’t stop smiling and Dan doesn’t have the heart not to be happy for him. “Th - that’s great!” he says. The smile on his face feels unnatural and unbelievably fake but thankfully Phil and Leo are none the wiser. “Um, don’t you guys think you’re rushing things a bit?” he asks him. “I mean, you’ve only been on a few dates and -”

“Don’t worry, Daniel,” Leo cuts in, and Dan hates the way his name sounds coming from Leo’s mouth. “I know it’s sudden, but the two of us are very happy together.” he turns to Phil and smiles at him. “Isn’t that right, Philip?”

“That’s right.” Phil seems almost hypnotized when he looks at Leo, the way he hangs off of Leo’s every word; it’s as if Leo’s got him under some kind of spell.

Leo pushes himself up slightly on his toes, as Phil’s got roughly two inches on him, and presses their lips together and Dan takes that as his cue to leave the lovely couple to themselves.

“C’mon,” Phil breaks their kiss after a moment and says, “Let’s go tell the internet!” he had made sure to tell Leo about his career as a Youtuber on their first date, to make sure that he was okay with the fact that Phil talked to a camera quite often and uploaded videos to the internet - a phenom that Leo didn’t quite grasp immediately, but the more Phil talked about it, the more accepting he was of it. Phil wasn’t used to having non-Youtube friends so he was feeling really anxious and nervous as he set his camera up in front of his bed. “Okay, I’m just going to check the lighting, and then we can start filming.” he tells Leo.

“You’re so professional.” Leo smiles at him. “Honestly, this isn’t what I expected but it’s très cool.”

Phil blushes like he does whenever Leo compliments him and his stomach flips a little when his boyfriend lets his French vocabulary slip into whatever he’s saying. He utters a “Thank you.” as he finishes getting everything ready, then turns on the camera and takes a seat next to Leo. “Okay, so don’t be nervous or anything,” he tells Leo, reaching out to take his hand and give it a comforting squeeze. “Just act natural.”

“Okay.” Leo says with a nervous laugh.

“So I usually start my videos going, ‘Hey guys!’ and waving to the camera,” Phil explains to him.

“Yeah, I know; I’ve watched a few of your videos.” Leo admits.

“Have you really?” Phil asks, surprised in the best way possible, and he leans over to press his lips against Leo’s cheek. “You’re the cutest.”

“Not as cute as you, mon cher.” Leo replies and kisses his cheek in return.

“Okay, so are you ready?” Phil asks him, and when Leo nods in confirmation, he slips into his AmazingPhil persona and looks at the camera with a smile. “Hey guys!” he waves at the camera with his free hand, his other hand still holding onto Leo’s. “So, I’m happy to announce that I’m making this video with someone special…” he pauses for a moment, and motions to Leo as he excitedly says, “My boyfriend!”

“Bonjour!” Leo waves to the camera in the same fashion that Phil does, and their video continues, Leo and Phil being adorable together, kissing in between takes and laughing together. The video ends up serving no real purpose other than informing his subscribers of Phil’s new relationship status, but Phil smiles and laughs the entire time, and doesn’t let go of Leo’s hand for a second.

* * *

A month into the relationship, everything changes, and neither Dan nor Phil could’ve anticipated it. The only difference is, Phil is very welcoming in these changes, while Dan is more or less put off.

Ever since Leo and Phil became Phileo, as the internet refers to them as, Leo’s been spending a lot of more time at their flat, which at first Dan didn’t care about but it soon grows to become so annoying. And since Leo’s over all the time, Dan’s no longer needed to help Phil film or even make his usual cameos - as Leo beats him to the punch more often than not. And now, when Phil does liveshows, everyone asks him “Where’s Leo?” instead of “Where’s Dan?” and it’s something Dan didn’t think would bother him but it does. A lot.

The real problem however isn’t Leo, it’s Phil. Because Phil’s just so stuck in the honeymoon phase that his mind is on Leo twenty-four/seven, and that in itself is even more annoying than the fact that Leo is always around. Phil’s got a one track mind lately, and it’s all Leo; all he talks about is Leo, all he thinks about is Leo, all he cares about is Leo. And aside from the fact that it’s really annoying, it’s also really upsetting because if Dan wasn’t afraid of being replaced before, he definitely is now.

At least he’ll have Phil all to himself for Playlist Live weekend next week… or so he thought.

“Did you find out if we’re doing any panels next week - oh, for fuck’s sake.” Dan rolls his eyes when he looks up from his phone to see Leo and Phil snuggled up on the couch, kissing each other. He clears his throat loudly, which startles the pair of them and causes them both to jump slightly as they break their kiss. Dan raises his eyebrows at Phil, which causes the older boy to utter an apology, and Dan asks again, “So, did you find out if we’re doing any panels next week?”

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Phil says, trying to remember the details of the email he had received about their schedule at Playlist. “We might be doing something on stage, though.”

“Might?” Dan repeats.

“I can’t remember.” Phil admit sheepishly. “But I have the email-”

“Phil!” Dan sighs. “Playlist is next week and we’re nowhere near ready; can you please focus?”

“Sorry.” Phil apologizes again, looking down at his lap, and when Leo leans over to kiss his cheek, he perks up immediately. “Hey, I have an idea!” instead of looking at Dan, like he was expecting, Phil turns to Leo and says, “Do you want to come to Playlist Live with us?”

Dan’s eyes go wide and he has to bite his lip in order to keep him from exclaiming, “Are you fucking kidding me?” and Leo asks him, “Are you sure you want me tagging along?”

“Of course!” Phil says, eagerly. “You can meet all of my American friends, and I’m sure the viewers are going to be excited that you’re there! Please say you’ll come?”

“You’ve talked me into it,” Leo says with a smile, and Dan rolls his eyes again. So much for having Phil all to himself for the weekend.

* * *

Playlist Live weekend rolls around, and even though Dan isn’t exactly thrilled about Leo tagging along, he can’t help but to be happy to be reunited with all of his American friends - starting with Cat who picks the three of them up at the airport. Dan’s the first to greet her, because apparently being in love makes you walk painstakingly slow, and he grabs her and pulls her into a tight hug, something he thinks he’s needed for a while now.

“Hi! I’ve missed you,” Cat gives him an extra tight squeeze before breaking their hug, and she glances behind Dan for a second, then points with a smile. “Is that-”

“Yup, that’s Leo.” Dan says with a heavy sigh, the name tasting bitter on his tongue.

Cat glances at him, clearly picking up on his tone of voice - she’s clever like that - and gives him a look that clearly says, “We’ll talk about this later,” which quickly transforms into a welcoming smile as Leo and Phil approach the pair of them. Phil introduces Leo to Cat, and then the four of them exit the airport, ready to begin their weekend in Florida.

They run into a couple of friends, as nearly everyone is arriving to Florida around the same time, and some fans as well, and everyone just seems to just fall in love with Leo. They all think he’s so charming and sweet, and if Dan has to hear “You guys look so cute together!” one more time, he’s going to get on a plane and go back to London, because he’s already sick of this. Sure, Leo is a great guy, but the way people are treating him, you’d think he was the one who found a cure for the common cold… or invented the DS. Maybe it’s because he’s bitter about Leo coming along in the first place, but Dan just doesn’t see everyone’s fascination with him. But lucky for him, Leo and Phil are once again none the wiser, and they believe Dan’s fake, way too wide smile.

As tradition dictates it, Cat, Dan, Phil, and now Leo, are meant to head to an amusement park after Dan and Phil get checked in - something they’ve done every year for a while now - but it doesn’t happen the way it’s supposed to. Because Leo doesn’t want to go out, something about being tired and wanting to relax in the hotel room, and Phil can’t convince him to change his mind; so what ends up happening is Phil and Leo stay behind, because Phil says that he’ll feel bad if he leaves Leo all by himself, and Cat and Dan go out by themselves, because there’s no point in all of them not doing anything and the two of them both had their heart set on heading to Epcot. Phil wanted to go too, Dan can see it in his eyes as he tells them that he’s decided to stay behind, but neither Dan nor Cat can talk him into going with them and the friends end up splitting up for now.

Being at Epcot without Phil feels strange, not just for Dan but for Cat as well. The three of them are a trio of sorts, and everything just feels wrong when it’s only the two of them; like only have marshmallows and graham crackers for s’mores - it works, but everyone knows you need chocolate for it to be complete.

“So,” Cat and Dan are seated together in fake Japan in Epcot, having an early dinner. “Do you want to tell me why you don’t like Leo?”

Dan’s not surprised; Cat’s extremely perceptive and she’s almost too good at reading people, so he knew that out of everyone he’d talk to this weekend, she’d be the one to figure out that he’s not thrilled about Leo being around. “It’s not that I don’t like him,” he starts, because with Cat, there’s no point in trying to put on a mask and cover up how he really feels, she’d figure out the truth anyway. “It’s just that…” Dan sighs, angrily throwing his little rice cake down on his plate. “He’s always there! He and Phil have only been dating for a month and they’re acting like they’re newlyweds or something! And he’s always around - god, every time I wake up, he’s sitting in my chair eating my eggs, and Phil just lets it happen! And when he’s not over, they’re always talking on the phone or on Skype - it’s like there’s no escaping him!”

“Wow.” is all Cat says, her eyes wide because Dan doesn’t really explode like this. “So, I take it this has been something on your mind for a while now?”

Dan sighs again. “This was supposed to be our weekend, you know.” he says sadly. “I was so looking forward to finally being able to spend time with Phil, just the two of us, and then he invites Leo with him to come along.”

“Aw, Dan,” Cat frowns. “Well, did Phil know you wanted this weekend to just be you two hanging out together?”

“No,” Dan admits. “I didn’t tell him, I haven’t told him any of this.”

“Maybe you should,” Cat suggests, but Dan shakes his head immediately. “You’re acting as if your feelings about all of this aren’t valid, and they are.” she insists. “Phil’s your best friend, and he was your best friend before he was Leo’s boyfriend, and he should know how you’re feeling.”

Dan shrugs. “I don’t want to come off like I don’t like Leo or something - because I do, I just miss my best friend.”

“Tell him that,” Cat tells him.

“I can’t.” Dan shakes his heads again. “Aside from the fact that he’s going to think that I’m not happy for him, I can’t get five minutes alone with him because freaking Leo is everywhere.”

Cat frowns again. “I can sick Beta on him if you want,” she says, shooting at an attempt to make her friend smile.

It works, as Dan’s lips twitch into a small grin. “Thanks.” he says with a small chuckle.

“Seriously though,” Cat says. “I think you should try to get Phil alone, and talk to him. It might not happen this weekend, but when you guys get back to London, maybe you’ll get the chance. He needs to know how you feel about all of this.”

“So, hypothetically speaking,” Dan starts. “Let’s say I tell him - what do I do when Phil accuses me of being a horrible best friend when I tell him I don’t like his boyfriend hanging around my house all the time?”

“First of all, Phil would never say that because Phil loves you,” Cat says. “And it’s all about how you word it - maybe you should leave out the part about it being your house and your eggs… whatever that means - but just be open and honest with him, and he should get the message.”

“I hope so,” Dan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’ll all work out one way or another, Dan,” Cat reassures him. “But you have to talk to him first.”

“Okay, okay.” Dan says, and he manages a small smile for Cat’s sake so she won’t worry about him anymore. “I’ll try to talk to Phil.”

“Good,” Cat smiles, and reaches for her bag. ”So, want to check out some rides before it gets dark?” Dan nods in agreement, and they both depart from their meals and walk around Epcot, trying to make the best of their evening together, despite the fact that Phil isn’t with them. And ultimately, it ends up being a pretty fun day, but despite all of that, Dan can’t help but to feel a bit off without Phil with them. Like s’mores without chocolate.

* * *

Playlist weekend does no go the way Dan or Phil expected it to go, more so Phil than Dan however.

Phil was excited to have Leo accompany him to Florida and meet all of his friends, especially since everyone was so excited to meet him, but Leo’s been… distant, for lack of a better term. Phil can’t decide if it’s because Leo is shy to be around new people or if there’s the distinct possibility that Leo doesn’t want to meet his friends, but whenever he tries to get Leo to do something fun with him - go to an amusement park, go to a party - but Leo declines. He has excuse after excuse as to why he doesn’t want to do anything, and then he gives Phil those wide puppy dog eyes that convinces Phil to stay behind with him, and neither one of them end up doing anything fun this weekend.

It’s the last night of Playlist, and as tradition dictates, there’s a party. Everyone’s going to be there and it’s everyone’s last chance to meet up with their friends, as they’ll all be leaving soon. And Phil will be damned if he misses this party; he’s barely gotten to see any of his friends with weekend and he really wants to get to see everyone he hasn’t gotten a chance to even smile at over the course of three days.

“C’mon,” Phil’s pleading with Leo now because they’ve been going back and forth for nearly ten minutes, and Phil just can’t convince him to come along. “I want to go out, and I want you to come with me! You have to meet my friends, and I want to actually do something instead of sit in the hotel room.”

“Do we have to?” Leo sighs, the perfect mix of annoyance and seeking sympathy in his tone as he says, “I’d rather just stay in with you.”

Phil exhales sharply, then takes a moment to remind himself to count to three before speaking, because Phil is as stubborn as Leo is. “Come to the party with me.” he says in a tone that says ‘I’m not fucking around’ anymore. “This entire weekend has be revolving around what you want to do, and I just want to do one thing that I actually want to do.”

“Excuse me?” Leo sits up on the edge of their bed to look at Phil, fire in his eyes. “This whole weekend has been about you and your stupid Youtube thing.”

“It’s not stupid!” Phil says indignantly.

Leo rolls his eyes. “Stop whining, Phil,” he says. “You’re acting like a baby.”

“If anyone’s whining and acting like a baby, it’s you!” Phil says, and that’s when Dan enters their half of the hotel room, awkwardly glancing back and forth between Phil and Leo.

“Is everything okay?” he asks slowly.

“Leo is refusing to go out with me tonight,” Phil says, crossing his arms across his chest. “Even though we haven’t been out of this hotel room all weekend and I haven’t seen any of my friends the entire trip and I all want is to do something fun for an hour.”

Leo rolls his eyes again. “You’re being so dramatic!” he says, and he and Phil start properly fighting, both of them talking over each other, their voices raising as they try to make themselves heard.

Dan stands there awkwardly, debating on trying to defuse the fight and just not getting involved at all. But he doesn’t like the way Leo’s shouting at Phil, even if Phil is shouting back, and he can’t stay quiet for long. “How about,” he speaks up, which silences the fighting couple for a moment. “Phil just goes to the party and Leo stays here?”

Leo scoffs. “That’s a stupid idea.” he says simply.

Dan’s cheeks tint pink slightly and he looks down at his feet mumbling, “Okay, then.” But Phil’s reaction isn’t anything similar. “Hey, don’t talk to him like that!” he says to Leo.

“Well it is a stupid idea!” Leo insists. “I don’t want to sit in a hotel room, in a city I don’t even know, all by myself while you’re out having fun!”

“Well if you would come along and have fun with me-”

“You know, if you were a better boyfriend,” Leo cuts Phil off. “You’d stay in with me and not force me into doing something I don’t want to do.”

Phil scoffs. “Excuse me, but if you were a good boyfriend, you wouldn’t insult my best friend and keep me from seeing any of my friends!” he snaps.

“Why did you even invite me on this stupid trip in the first place?” Leo asks him.

“Well, I definitely wouldn’t have if I knew you were going to act like this.” Phil replies swiftly.

“Excuse me?” Leo raises an eyebrow at him, giving him a look that parents often give their children - one that says ‘are you sure you want to talk to me like this?’ but Leo isn’t Phil’s parent, he’s his boyfriend, and he’s going to say exactly what’s on his mind right now. “You came on this trip with me because you said you wanted to meet my friends - we literally had this conversation before you bought your plane ticket.” Phil tells him. “And now that you're here all you want to do is hang out in the hotel room and make me stay with you, and it’s not fair okay; it’s not fair to my friends who want to see me, it’s not fair to my viewers who want to see me, and it’s not fair to me! And I don't care if you want to waste your time in Florida cramped up in an old hotel room, but I don't. I want to see my friends.”

Leo gets up from the bed and goes to stand in front of Phil, and even though Phil’s got roughly two inches on him, it seems as if Leo’s ten feet tall right now. “You're being incredibly insensitive right now!” he says, his voice loud and booming, and it causes Phil to shrink back slightly, but nevertheless he stands his ground.

“How am I being insensitive?” Phil demands, because he’s not, he knows he’s not… or at least, he doesn’t think he’s being insensitive. He just wants Leo to get to know his friends and he just wants to enjoy his vacation, what’s so wrong about that?

“What do you want me to say Phil?” Leo asks, and he keeps raising his voice, and it makes Phil lower his because he feels intimidated right now and he knows that shouting isn’t going to solve any of their problems right now - Leo, on the other hand, seems to think differently. “I'm sorry for wanting to be with you? All I wanted was a weekend vacation with my boyfriend and you've done nothing but make me feel bad for this whole trip.”

“I told you from the get go that I'm very busy during playlist live weekend!” Phil exclaims, more frustrated than angry now because he hates fighting with people and more than anything, he hates fighting with people he really cares about. And he doesn’t want to fight with Leo, he just wants Leo to understand where he’s coming from - and he’s not. “I have meet ups and panels, and I want to see my friends that I don't see that I only get to see twice a year, if I’m lucky!” he tries to stay calm, but his voice shakes as he tries to explain all of this to Leo, hoping that he’ll convey to him that his intention is not to come off as insensitive. “And I told you that I was going to be busy but that you could come along if you wanted to and hang out with everyone. I never promised you an entire weekend with me all to yourself, I never would have said that! And I told you I was going to busy, so I don't know where you even got that idea from.”

“So your friends are more important than me?” Leo asks, and Phil groans loudly, running his fingers through his hair, because Leo is getting further and further from the point. “So going out to a party, drinking, and listening to crappy rap music is more important than being with your boyfriend?”

“I didn't say that, you're putting words into my mouth!” Phil insists. “All I'm saying is you can't expect me to drop everything and abandon all my plans just because you'd rather stay in the hotel all weekend. And you're definitely not getting any brownie points by being mean to my best friend.”

“Fine then!” Leo snaps, which causes Phil to flinch. He’s never heard Leo so angry before; he’s usually so nice and reserved and sweet, never like this. It’s as if he’s got a dark side to him. “Go out and be with your friends.”

Phil exhales sharply. “Good.” he says, his voice steady, even though he feels anything but right now. He feels terrible, but he doesn’t want Leo to know this. “Have fun sulking in the hotel room by yourself.” he sees that Leo is opening his mouth to say something, but he doesn’t give him the chance to; instead, he turns to Dan and says, “C’mon Dan. Let’s go.” and before Leo can say anything else, the two of them leave their hotel room.

As Phil walks with Dan, he feels conflicted. Part of him feels like he should feel accomplished right now -
after all, he’s getting what he wants, isn’t he? He should feel happy right now, and he technically won their fight so that’s another reason for him to feel happy about all of this, especially as he makes his way to the Playlist party. But part of him doesn’t feel happy, part of him just feels… sad. He’s sad he fought with Leo, sad he’s going to this party without him, sad that he feels sad about all of this.

He can’t get Leo’s words out of his mind, being called insensitive and a bad boyfriend… none of that is sitting well with him right now, and his harsh words are resting uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach. And granted, Leo probably only said those things because he’s as angry and upset as Phil was, but for some reason, that isn’t comforting him either. What if he really is a bad boyfriend? What if he really is insensitive? What if Leo’s going to want to break up with him now, because he’s so insensitive and such a bad boyfriend?

His mind is racing, and he can’t get it to shut up, and now he’s sick with anxiety because he just feels terrible about all of this. He should’ve known better than to try and force Leo to meet his friends and go out to parties - he really is insensitive.

“Hey!” Dan raises his voice to be heard over the sound of everyone at the party in an attempt to get Phil’s attention. “What’s wrong?”

Phil hesitates for a moment, and then says to Dan, “I think I’m gonna leave.”

“What? Why?” Dan asks. “You’ve only been here for an hour! You haven’t even seen half of our friends!”

“I know but I should apologize to Leo!” Phil tells him.

“Apologize for what?” Dan demands. “You didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I was mean to him.” Phil says. “And I don’t like being mean to people.”

“You weren’t mean - you were right.” Dan insists. “Leo’s been ruining our weekend, and you deserve to have at least some fun!”

“He isn’t ruining our weekend!” Phil tries to sound convincing, but even he doesn’t believe himself. “Look, regardless of how he’s acted this weekend, I was a jerk to him and I need to apologize!”

“So you’re just going to let him get away with being an utter asshole?” Dan asks him, and Phil can see that Dan is angry with him and hurt as well, and Phil feels even worse now because not only did he upset his boyfriend, but he upset his best friend as well.

“I was an asshole to him too!” Phil says. “And if I apologize, he’ll apologize as well, and all will be forgotten.”

“So it’s okay with you that he basically called me stupid?” Dan asks.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it; he was just upset!” Phil insists. The music is loud and it’s giving Phil a headache - or maybe it’s the fact that Dan’s so upset with him right now, and he feels like he’s digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole with every word that he says, but he doesn’t know how to fix this. Maybe he’s just a terrible boyfriend and a terrible best friend as well.

Dan frowns at him. “And that makes it okay?” he asks, and even though the music is loud and his voice is getting softer, Phil can hear how hurt he sounds and he hate it, he hates this.

“Of course it doesn’t make it okay!” Phil tells him, and then sighs, bringing his hands up to rub his temples. “Look, Dan, you know I love you and you’re my best friend, but I just - I have to go make things right with Leo.”

And Phil turns to leave so he can pretend he doesn’t hear Dan say, “So it’s fine with you that things aren’t right with us?” and he feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He isn’t sure that this night - this weekend - could get any worse.

He says goodbye to the friends he passes on his way out of the party, trying not to feel hurt by their pleads for him to stay and hang out, and he makes the long, lonely walk back to his hotel room, his heart heavy and his feet dragging. When he’s back to their hotel room, he pauses outside, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before he unlocks the door and he lets himself inside.

He coughs lightly to catch Leo’s attention. “Hey.” he says.

Leo grabs the remote and mutes the TV, turning to him.” How was the party?” he asks him.

“Sucked.” is all Phil says as he walks across the room to sit next to him on the bed. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“Are you now?” Leo asks him, a small smile crossing his features and he wraps an arm around Phil’s shoulders.

“You were right, I was insensitive, and I’m sorry.” Phil tells him, a bitter taste in his mouth that he can’t exactly explain - or understand why it’s there - as he apologizes.

“Apology accepted.” Leo says, and before Phil can contemplate asking Leo if he has anything he’d like to apologize for as well - because he’s not an entirely innocent party - Leo leans forward and presses his lips to Phil’s. He then changes the subject, and like Phil had figured, all was forgotten - except not for Phil, because all he can think of now is how he left Dan at the party and hurt his feelings, and he still feels terrible.

Hours later, Leo has fallen asleep, his head tucked into the crook of Phil’s neck, and Phil sits there, wide awake and mind racing, constantly glancing at the door as he waits for Dan to get back. Finally, the door creaks open, and Phil goes still. He hears hushed whispers and laughs, and a minute or two passes before Dan actually enters the hotel room. “Hey!” Phil whispers, not loud enough to wake Leo, but loud enough so Dan can hear him. And Dan does, as Phil can see his silhouette stopping in mid-step, Phil takes a deep breath before he asks, “Are you still mad at me?”

There’s a painful pause that lasts far too long between the two of them before Dan just says, “It’s whatever.” and he goes over to his half of their hotel room, and Phil just lies there, his heavy heart weighing him down until he sinks into the stiff hotel bed, and hopes that he sinks down low enough so the world can swallow him whole. Because he feels like shit, and this is definitely the worst weekend ever.

* * *

The next day, Dan, Phil, and Leo prepare to board their flight back home to London - no point in staying an extra day or two, like Dan and Phil normally do, because extending this horrible weekend would be pointless. Everyone was ready for it to end.

They say goodbye to their friends, and Phil tries to ignore the way everyone says, “I feel like I barely got to see you all weekend!” to him. He’s feeling bad enough, knowing he pretty much bailed on all of his friends - Dan included, and he knows that Dan’s still upset with him because of last night. Everything is really awkward between the two of them and Phil hates it, because he and Dan don’t even really fight - at least not like this - and Phil doesn’t know how to diffuse it and make things normal between them again.

They’re all waiting at the airport for their flight, and since they have time before they have to board the plane, Phil decides there’s only one proper way to work this out: he’s going to talk to Dan.

He pulls Dan aside, away from Leo and for the most part away from the remainder of the airport occupants, and he asks him, “Can we talk?”

Dan sighs, rubbing the back of his neck the way he does when he’s feeling anxious. “I think we should talk later.” he says, not meeting Phil’s eyes.

“Dan, please.” Phil pleads with him.

“I don’t want to talk right now, Phil.” Dan tells him. “We have to get ready to board our flight soon anyway. Let’s just talk when we get home.”

“I’m sorry, okay.” Phil blurts out, and Dan raises an eyebrow, as if he wasn’t expecting him to say that. “I shouldn’t have brought Leo with us, and I’m sorry for ditching you all weekend, and I’m sorry for last night and -”

“Phil,” Dan interrupts him. “Look the problem-” he stops himself, sighing again and he rubs the bridge of his nose. “The problem isn’t you; it’s Leo.”

“Leo.” Phil repeats in a way that shows he doesn’t understand what Dan is getting at.

“I don’t like the way he treats you.” Dan admits. “Specifically last night. He was really rude to you - and me, but I mostly care about the fact that he was rude to you and then you apologized to him.”

“He was just cranky,” Phil insists, and at this point he isn’t sure if he’s trying to convince Dan or himself. “He was in a bad mood, and I wasn’t making anything better by being stubborn and arguing with him.”

Dan opens his mouth as if he’s going to say something, but he closes it, falling silent for a moment and Phil gets deja vu to last night when Dan came home from the party - the prolonged silence makes anxiety rip at his chest and twist his stomach into knots. Finally, Dan just asks him, “Can we please just talk about this at home?” and when Phil agrees, the conversation is dropped and neither of them say anything else until they arrive back home in London.

* * *

The flight back home feels longer than usual, and Phil is more than relieved when the plane lands in England because he just wants to be rid of this entire weekend - but he can’t until he and Dan have made up. The lingering thought that he hurt Dan haunts him throughout the day, and he almost can’t focus on anything else except getting Dan to forgive him.

After saying goodbye to Leo for the evening, Dan and Phil catch a cab back to their flat, the awkward silence between them still not thinning out and it’s almost uncomfortable for the two of them to sit next to each other, and Phil hates this. He hates Dan being upset with him and he hates fighting with his best friend… he just hates everything about this. And he hopes that it’s not too late to make things better between them.

They make it home, and they both know they have to talk; it’s written in their body language and the looks they shoot each other across the room. But neither of them speak up, and eventually, Dan disappears into his room, and Phil sulks into the kitchen, eating cereal out of the box as he struggles to gain the courage and confidence to approach Dan once again.

It takes a couple of minutes, but Phil finally makes his way to Dan’s room and asks him if they can talk. Dan stops playing the piano, his hands still over the keys as if he’s contemplating actually talking to Phil or not. After a moment, he turns around to face Phil, who takes a seat on his bed.

“I’m sorry.” Phil says again. “I’m sorry for everything this weekend and I just want you to not hate me anymore, please.”

“I don’t hate you.” Dan sighs. “I’m just…” he stops himself, struggling with what he wants to say before he sighs again and just tells Phil the truth. “It hurt when you chose Leo over me the other night. You’ve only been dating Leo for a month and you’ve been friends with me for four years, and you still chose being with him over me… again.”

“I didn’t choose anyone over anyone.” Phil tells him. “I just wanted to apologize with Leo for fighting with him, and then you got angry with me.”

“Because you spent all weekend blowing me off!” Dan exclaims. “You didn’t do anything fun all weekend just because Leo didn’t want to, and when you finally decided to hang out with me, you left me to go be with Leo!” Phil opens his mouth to say something, but Dan continues in his rant. “And it’s not just this weekend either - you’ve been doing this ever since you started dating him. And it sucks, Phil, okay? It really sucks to feel like someone’s second choice!”

“You aren’t my second choice,” Phil tries. “You’re my best friend, Dan, you’ll always be my best friend regardless of who I’m dating. I’m not intentionally trying to make it seem like I’m choosing Leo over you; I just don’t know how to please everyone,” he admits. “Especially since you don’t even like Leo.”

Dan looks down at his lap. “Who says I don’t like Leo?” he asks softly.

“No one had to say anything, I can tell.” Phil replies. “And you guys don’t have that much in common in the first place, so I get why you aren’t the best of buds, but it just really seems like you don’t like him at all and I don’t know how to please two people I care about the most when one of them doesn’t even like the other.

Dan bites his lip, “It’s not that I don’t like Leo,” he starts softly. “I just… I miss you.” he says, and Phil swears that he could right right now - he never expected their conversation to take this turn and he feels horrible. “Leo’s been getting all of your attention lately, and I guess I got a little jealous.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Phil asks him, but he’s afraid of what the answer might be.

“I didn’t think you’d care.” Dan tells him, and it’s like a stab to Phil’s heart.

The older boy blinks in response to that, words failing him. “Wow.” is all he says for a moment. “You… you really must not think thank much of me if you really think I don’t care about my best friend of four years just because I have a boyfriend.”

“Do you even blame me?” Dan asks him, “You’re all ‘Leo Leo Leo’ lately and you’re gone all the time because you’re with him, and I never see you anymore. We even had plans to go to the movies together but you ended up just seeing it with Leo - you didn’t even remember we were supposed to see it together.”

“I’m sorry, okay!” Phil tells him. “I really am sorry! I just - I haven’t had a boyfriend in a really long time, and I’m not intentionally blowing you off or anything - I just like being with him. I had no idea that you were jealous because I spent so much time with him; I like Leo and he makes me happy. And before you say it, no that doesn’t mean I don’t like you or that you don’t make me happy. I love you, Dan, and I really like Leo and if I wouldn’t known how you felt it wouldn’t have escalated into this.”

Phil feels almost exhausted after saying all of that, and part of him feels a bit relieved to have said it but another part of him just feels guilty that he had to say it in the first place. Dan’s silent for a moment, and Phil waits for him to say something - anything - at all to him.

Finally, the brunette boy utters, “I just want my best friend back.” and Phil swears that he can feel his heart crack in his chest.

“Can-” Phil hesitates for a moment, before looking down at his twitching hands in his lap, and he asks softly, “Can I be your best friend again?”

At first, Dan doesn’t say anything, and Phil thinks ‘this is it’ and everything between them is over - until he feels Dan wrapping his arms around his shoulders, hugging him tightly, and Phil wraps his arms around the younger boy’s waist, pulling him in close and holding onto him with no intent of letting him go ever again.

* * *

Phil decides that things are going to change. He’s going to be a better best friend and a great boyfriend, and it’s all going to start now.

He decides that the problem starts with him, and he’s going to make sure he can manage his time better, because the main issues at hand is him spending more time with Leo than he does with Dan. And that’s just not fair to Dan, so after much consideration, he decides to tell Leo that he isn’t going to see him every single weekend, like they’ve been doing for a while now. It’s hard telling someone you want to see less of them, but Phil manages in a way that’s not only polite but it lets Leo know that he feels bad for neglecting Dan so much, and this is his way to try and make up for that.

Leo, however, is not as understanding as Phil hoped he would’ve been. And that’s when the fighting really starts.

Playlist Live was when they had their first fight, but that just seems to have just snowballed from there, as lately it just seems as if all they do is fight. At first they fight about Phil deciding he’s going to try and spend more time together because, “I’m your boyfriend, you don’t you want to see me?” and “Is Dan more important to you than I am?” and even though Phil apologizes relentlessly to him, he doesn’t back down, not this time.

Leo doesn’t back down either; he yells and shouts at Phil and tries to sway him to change his mind, and when he doesn’t he just gets more even angry with him and their fight ends up lasting way too long and ends with Leo storming out of the flat and slamming their door shut so hard a picture falls off the wall. And Phil just sinks down to the floor in despair because he doesn’t know how it’s come to this, but he just hopes it’s the end of it.

It’s not. Their entire relationship starts growing more stressful, though, because all they do is fight now. At first, it’s because Leo would try to make plans with Phil on nights when he knew that he already had plans with Dan; and Phil would tell him no, and that’s when a fight would break out. They’d yell and shout at each other, until Phil finds himself too exhausted to fight with him anymore and just hangs up on him. And he turns his phone off because Leo has a knack for continuous calls and texts, and all Phil wants is a nice evening with his best friend and not to have to deal with his boyfriend’s obnoxious behavior.

But even when Leo is at fault, Phil still finds himself apologizing. Because Leo has a way with words and he always says things that make Phil rethink everything he’s ever said to him and he feels bad for starting a fight. So he apologizes until Leo forgives him, and Leo always does - but Leo never apologizes.

The fighting doesn’t end, even after Phil apologizes. The couple find themselves fighting over stupid things - like what movie to watch, what to have for dinner, where to spend their evening together. Most of their dates end before they even get a chance to start because the two just can’t seem to stop fighting. And Leo shouts at Phil and says things that get Phil to second guess himself,. and more often than not Phil apologizes profusely to him. And the cycle repeats.

* * *

“Okay, so how about chinese and Attack on Titan?” Dan asks, plopping down onto the couch next to Phil (though truth be told, Dan would prefer to watch Attack on Leo, because even though he hasn't been causing any problems between Dan and Phil lately, Dan knows that Leo's been fighting with Phil a lot and he doesn't like it at all - not that he'll tell Phil that). It’s Saturday night - one of their bromance date nights, and there’s genuine smile on Dan’s face for the first time in a while and that in itself just makes Phil so happy.

“We watched Attack on Titan last week though.” Phil tells him.

“But we didn’t finish.” Dan protests. “Because someone fell asleep!”

“I wasn’t sleeping, I was resting!” Phil insists, and Dan laughs, shaking his head. Phil opens his mouth to say something when he’s interrupted by a knock on their front door. “Did you already order dinner?” Phil asks, the pair of them getting up from the couch and heading to answer the door.

“No, I didn’t.” Dan says, as confused as Phil is right now; they rarely get company, mostly because all of their friends live at least an hour away from them, but they especially rarely get company on the weekends.

Phil opens the front door, and both Dan and Phil stand there, shocked for a moment, when they see Leo standing there before them. “Hello!”

Phil looks to Dan for a second, then looks back at Leo. “Um, what are you doing here?” he asks slowly.

“I wanted to see you!” Leo tells him, a wide smile on his face.

Phil, however, isn’t smiling. “But you knew I had plans tonight,” he says, and his chest is tight because he can already feel a fight ready to break down.

Dan glances back and forth between the two of them. “I’m just going to… go get dinner.” he says, excusing himself and he quickly makes his depart away from World War III.

When he hears the front door shut, Phil looks at Leo, and sighs heavily. “Why are you here?” he asks him.

“Well, that definitely isn’t the greeting I was expecting.” Leo says, his smile fading.

“Leo, you knew that I was hanging out with Dan tonight,” Phil tells him, annoyance evident in his tone - because he is annoyed, really annoyed. He hates when Leo tries to crash his (for lack of a better term) date nights with Dan, and he hates it even more when Leo tries to convince him to spend time with him instead of Dan.

“Just come over,” Leo tells him, reaching for Phil’s hands, but Phil takes a step back because he’s not going to let himself be swayed into changing his plans just because of Leo. “Phil-”

“No, I had plans tonight, you knew I had plans tonight!” Phil tells him. “Why can’t you just respect my wishes?”

“Why can’t you just understand that I want to see you?” Leo asks, eyebrows knitting together and Phil can’t tell if he’s frustrated or hurt right now, but Phil knows either way it isn’t going to end well.

“You’re acting like I told you I never want to see you again - it’s not like that at all!” Phil tries to explain it as calmly as he can, but he’s getting more and more frustrated with Leo right now, especially since this isn’t the first time this has happened. “I just want to hang out with my best friend!”

“So that means you have to completely ignore me?” Leo demands, and he takes a step closer to Phil, closing the gap between them and making Phil feel about two feet tall.

“I’m not ignoring you, I see you all the time!” Phil insists. “You’re acting like I never want to hang out with you, and you know that’s not true!”

Leo huffs out an annoyed breath. “Phil-”

“No, don’t ‘Phil’ me!” Phil interrupts. “What is so wrong with me wanting to spend some time with my best friend? What do you have against Dan in the first place?”

“I don’t have anything against Dan - I just don’t like how he’s coming between us.” Leo says.

Phil raises an eyebrow. “How on earth is Dan coming between us?” he demands, and he can’t keep the air of ‘this is so ridiculous’ out of his tone, because it really is getting so ridiculous now.

“We didn’t even start fighting until he got involved in our relationship!” Leo says. “We were perfectly fine until he put those stupid thoughts in your head, and you suddenly decided things needed to change!”

“So fill me in here, who’s fault is it - mine or Dan’s?” Phil asks as sarcastically as he can manage right now, because once again, he’s beginning to second guess himself already and he hates this so much. This is not how tonight was supposed to go.

“Look, I’m not getting into this anymore,” Leo says. “I’m sick of going in circles with you about this.”

“Then why don’t you just go.” Phil says, softly and hesitantly, not meeting Leo’s eyes.

“Excuse me?” Leo asks him, and his voice gets low and it’s almost terrifying how calm he sounds about all of this right now.

Phil rolls his shoulders back and reminds himself that he’s not a little kid anymore, and he doesn’t need to be afraid of Leo. And he looks him square in the eye and he says with all of the fake confidence that he can muster up, “I think you should leave.”

Phil can see Leo’s jaw tense and his hands ball into fists at his side. “I think,” he says through gritted teeth. “You should reconsider.”

“I’m not going to reconsider.” Phil says firmly. “You’re being really unfair about all of this, okay? Dan’s been my best friend for four years, and if you’re going to make me choose between the two of you, I’m going to pick D-” Phil doesn’t get a chance to finish what he’s saying, as Leo stops him, the brunette bringing his hand up and backhanding Phil across his face.

The sound of the slap echoes throughout the otherwise silent apartment, and Phil’s head jerks to the side. He stands there, frozen in shock, his mouth open as he struggles to catch his breath from all of this. He tastes blood on his lips and he gingerly brings his hand up to his mouth. His fingertips are wet with blood and there’s a painful sting in his cheek, and it takes him a minute to actually process what just happened.

“Phil,” Leo chokes out, and Phil nearly jumps out of his skin, taking a few steps away from him. “I’m so-”

“Go.” Phil says, his voice shaking, and he isn’t sure if it’s with fear or anger. “Please, just go.”

He expects Leo to put up a fight, but he doesn’t and Phil doesn’t exhale a sigh of relief until he hears the front door of their flat shut behind him. Phil brings his hand up to his mouth again, feeling the light trickle of blood that coats his bottom lip, and his breath gets caught in his throat. His boyfriend just hit him. Phil’s never been hit before, at least not like this, and he never would’ve thought that his first time being slapped across the face would be at the fault of his boyfriend.

He’s so hyper aware of everything that’s going on right now; the way his heart is pounding in his chest, the throbbing ache in the side of his face, the way his hands are trembling. He makes his way to the bathroom and locks the door behind him as he steps inside. He looks at himself in the mirror and he sees a pale skinned, wide eyed, terrified boy with a red cheek and a bleeding lip. He doesn’t look anything like himself.

He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he needs to take action now. He can’t just stand around wide-eyed and shaking, he needs to fix this - he needs to fix himself, if anything. Dan can’t know about this, no one can know about this. What would he even tell people? That he pissed his boyfriend off so much that he backhanded him? God, that would be a story. But no, nobody can know about this, especially since this is the first and last time that this is ever going to happen.

He grabs a wad of toilet paper and presses it against his bleeding lip, hoping that it’ll stop bleeding soon and he tries to calm himself down. This is all going to be okay, tomorrow he’s going to talk to Leo and then he won’t have to worry about this anymore - so no point in telling Dan and worrying him, right? Yeah, what Dan doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

It doesn’t take long for his mouth to stop bleeding and his hands to stop shaking, so he disposes of the evidence - the bloody toilet paper - and he takes a few calming breaths before he unlocks the door and re-enters the lounge, just as Dan’s coming up with the food.

“Hey, I’ve got dinner.” he announces, playing the bags on their coffee table. He looks around for a moment, and then asks, “Where’s Leo?”

Hearing his name makes Phil flinch a little, but Dan doesn’t notice. “He left.” he says simply, taking a seat on the couch, and grabbing his laptop shooting for as much normalcy as he can.

“Really?” Phil doesn’t have to look up to see that Dan’s smiling from ear to ear. “How’d you get him to leave?”

Phil subconsciously goes to bite his lip, then stops himself and reminds himself that he can’t let Dan know what happened, and he says, “I told him we were going to watch anime, and that was enough for him to leave.”

Dan chuckles. “Good. This house is not for the anti-anime.” he takes a seat next to Phil on the couch, and glances at him briefly, before going to open their bags of dinner. “Are you okay? You seem kind of… off,” he says.

“I’m fine!” Phil says quickly - probably too quickly, as Dan looks over at him again, eyebrow cocked. “I’m just hungry, what’d you bring back for us?” he asks him, changing the subject, and it’s enough to distract Dan and get the focus off of him for the rest of the evening.

Phil’s phone buzzes with numerous texts from Leo, but he can’t bring himself to even look at his phone; just seeing his name just makes him feel sick. He shuts his phone off but he can’t shut his brain off, and he can’t stop thinking of Leo hitting him, the scene playing over in his mind on repeat until he can almost feel his boyfriend’s hand slapping his face again. He takes a second to close his eyes and exhale slowly, and he reminds himself that tomorrow, this will all be over.

* * *

to be continued.

Chapter Text

“When is a monster not a monster?
Oh, when you love it.”

- Caitlyn Siehl

* * *

The first thing Phil does when he wakes up the next day is head over to Leo’s house with the intent to break up with him. He refuses to be with someone who would hurt him like that and he decided that last night may have been the first time Leo’s ever hit him, but it’ll definitely be the last.

The journey to Leo’s house is a bit of a long one, and it gives Phil a lot of time to think. Specifically, he thinks about his and Leo’s relationship, and for a while he finds himself conflicted. Leo’s always been so sweet to him, and he’s always made him feel like… like he was a prince living out his perfect fairy tale - like he was finally going to get his happily ever after. When he was with Leo, he felt like he was on top of the word. He felt like he could do anything, like the sky was truly the limit. But then he started thinking about the other side of their relationship, the part of the relationship where Leo made him feel small and useless. Like he was stupid and incompetent, and lately, he realizes that he hasn’t been feeling like a prince.

As he walks up to Leo’s front door, he decides that this is truly for the best. Even if part of him doesn’t want to end his relationship, he knows he can’t keep holding on. He needs to be with someone who makes him happy, someone who loves him.

Phil knocks on Leo’s front door, and seconds later, it flies open almost as if Leo was expecting him to show up. “Phil!” he exhales a sigh of relief. “Come in, please.” he steps aside and Phil hesitantly walks inside. Leo shuts the door behind him and turns to face him, wringing his hands together nervously. “I was hoping you’d stop by,” he starts. “I really just want to apologize for last night.”

“Yeah, about last night.” Phil starts, and his chest feels so tight he can’t even speak right now, nevertheless breathe.

Leo reaches out, taking Phil’s hands in his own, but Phil yanks them away from him. “Phil, I’m sorry.” Leo tells him. “I’m so, so sorry. Please believe me, I’ll never let my anger get the best of me again, okay?”

Phil hesitates. “I - I don’t know, Leo.” he admits. “You hurt me, you really hurt me. And I don’t know if -”

“Mon cher,” Leo interrupts, taking Phil’s hands once more and holding onto them tightly. “Phil, please just listen to me.” he tells him, tightening his grip just slightly enough for Phil to barely notice the added pressure. “You know I love you, I would never hurt you - I’ll never hurt you again-”

“W- wait.” Phil blinks in surprise. “Wait,” he says again, his mind racing at such top speed and he actually feels dizzy. “You… you love me?” he asks him, his voice soft around the edges.

Leo smiles at him; the smile doesn’t meet his eyes, his dark eyes that Phil can never quite read. “Yeah, I do.” he says. “I love you, Phil.” he takes Phil’s hand and brings it up to his mouth, kissing his fingers and his knuckles, then pauses for a moment and looks at Phil. “You love me too, don’t you?”

“Y- yeah.” Phil breathes, and he kind of can’t believe that this is all really happening right now - someone loves him. Someone who isn’t his friend or a family member loves him, really loves him and his heart feels like it’s going to burst right out of his ribcage and start flying around the room. He feels like he could start flying around the room honestly; he feels so lightweight and free, like after their date, and the only thing keeping him to the ground right now is Leo holding onto him.

Leo’s smile widens,and he gives Phil a kiss on the lips. “I love you,” he says again, and he brings his hand up to cup Phil’s face, his thumb stroking his cheek and he says to him, “Let’s never break up, okay?”

Phil smiles at him. “Okay.”

* * *

As time passes the ‘incident’ as Phil refers to it as, slowly makes its way to the back of his mind and it’s almost as if it hadn’t even happened. There was a small mark on his lip from when Leo hit him, but that had healed and to the naked eye, you wouldn’t even know that he had gotten hit. And after a while, he had been able to stop thinking about it as much as he had been before. And Leo did apologize, so that had to mean that he wasn’t going to do it again.

…Right?

A few days later, he decides to go over to Leo’s house, as the two of them have plans for a small date night. However, things don’t run so smoothly and Phil gets to the train station a bit too late, and he misses his train. He quickly texts Leo, telling him that he’s going to be late, and almost an hour and a half later, he’s finally at Leo’s house.

He knocks on his front door, and Leo answers it, but he’s not greeted with a smile. “Hey!” Phil leans forward to kiss him, but Leo turns around and walks away. “Um, hello?” Phil enters his house, against his better judgement because there’s a voice in the back of his mind telling him to just turn around and go home. “Leo!” he rushes after Leo, who’s heading upstairs now. “What the hell? What are you -”

“You have some nerve, you know!” Leo turns around when Phil makes it to the top of the staircase. Phil can see the fire in his eyes, his face almost red, and if this were a cartoon, steam would be pooling out of his ears by now. “I’ve been waiting for you for over an hour!”

“I told you I missed my train!” Phil tells him, and he finds himself growing anxious, almost scared. He hates it when Leo’s mad; the last time he was mad at him… Phil forces that thought out of his mind. It isn’t going to happen again. “I - I texted you-”

“Why’d you miss your train anyway?” Leo asks him. “It’s not your first time coming over here, how’d you fuck it up this time?”

“I -” Phil stutters, his cheeks going red because he hates being made to feel stupid, and Leo’s definitely making him feel stupid right now. “It - it was an accident -”

“You were with Dan, weren’t you?” Leo interrupts.

“What?” Phil asks, eyes going wide. “What does Dan have to do with any of this?”

“You were with him, that’s why you were late.” Leo says, as if he’s stating a fact when he isn’t and Phil’s not feeling so afraid anymore; he’s feeling confused.

“I never even mentioned, Dan!” Phil exclaims. “Where - where did you even get that idea?”

“You’re always with Dan!” Leo snaps. “Every time I call you, you’re with him -”

“I live with him!” Phil says, exasperated. “And Dan has nothing to do with tonight in the first place! Why are you making up your own conclusions and not listening to what I’m actually saying?”

“Why don’t you listen to what I ever say?” Leo demands. “We had a time set for tonight, we had plans! And you just ruined it - you ruined the entire night!”

“If anyone’s ruining the night, it’s you!” Phil exclaims. “We could be downstairs having dinner right now, but instead you’re just screaming at me for no reason!”

“I wouldn’t be screaming at you if you didn’t manage to fuck everything up for once!” Leo shouts at him, and Phil flinches but he stands his ground.

“I didn’t do anything wrong!” he groans. “I’m sorry I missed my train, but I didn’t ruin anything about tonight!”

“You’re kidding me right?” Leo asks him. “This,” he motions between himself and Phil. “Is all happening right now because of you! Because you’ve managed, once again, to ruin one of our evenings! God, you’re so selfish!” he raises his fist and Phil ducks out of the way just in time, and Leo’s fist collides with the wall, punching a hole in the plaster. He pulls his hand back harshly, a sizeable hole in the wall now, his hand covered with sawdust, and bits of plaster falling to the floor collecting at their feet. “Do you see this?” Leo roars, motioning to the wall, and Phil flinches at the sound of his voice. “Look what you made me do! None of this would’ve happened if you weren’t so stupid!”

“Leo, just calm down please, Phil tells him because frankly, he’s scared right now. Leo is scaring him right now.

“Don’t tell me to calm down Phil!” Leo snaps, and Phil flinches again. “You don’t listen - that’s your problem, you just don’t fucking listen!”

“Leo, I’m just -” Leo grasps at his shoulders, and Phil’s hands fly up to try and grab his shoulders for support, but he’s not fast enough and Leo shoves him and he goes tumbling down his staircase.

His head bangs against the steps, and he struggles to try and stop himself from falling any further, but he fails to do so and lands at the bottom of the staircase, completely out of breath and feeling bruised all over. His arms, his legs, his back - they all ache tremendously, and he just lies there for a moment, in too much pain to even contemplate getting up.

A few moments later, he hears footsteps behind him and all instincts are telling him to get up and run, but he can’t move. Leo stands before him, and for a second, neither of them says or does anything, and then Leo kneels down in front of him. He reaches out, gripping Phil’s chin in his hand and forcing him to look at him. “I told you,” he says, his voice low. It sends shivers up Phil’s spine. “None of this would be happening if you knew how to be a good boyfriend.”

Phil’s heart is hammering so hard in his chest, it’s all he can hear now, and Leo’s lips are moving but there’s no sound coming out. But his words from before are buzzing around in his mind and the words “bad boyfriend” echo loudly until it drowns out the sound of his racing heart and it’s all he can hear. And Phil just lies there and starts to think… maybe Leo’s right. Maybe he really is a bad boyfriend, and he should be lucky that Leo hasn’t broken up with him yet. Maybe if he was a better boyfriend, they wouldn’t fight so much. Maybe if he didn’t start so many fights in the first place, none of this would be happening. Maybe -

“So,” Leo brings him out of his thoughts. “Do you have anything you’d like to say right now?”

Blinking back tears, Phil chokes out, “I’m sorry.”

Leo smiles at him. “Good.” he says, and he helps Phil so he’s sitting up, his hands on Phil’s shoulders as he steadies him, and he tells him, “I love you.” Phil says nothing at first and Leo asks him, “Don’t you love me too?” Phil can feel him tightening his grip on him.

“Yeah.” Phil says softly. “I… I love you too.”

* * *

Phil thought he knew what love was. His dreams made him think that love would make him feel on top of the world. But with Leo… he just feels under it.

At first, everything was great, and Phil was happy and he was happy with Leo. But now things are less than great, sometimes they’re just downright terrible, and Phil doesn’t understand; is this what love is supposed to be?

Two months pass and their fights have become more frequent, and more often than not, Leo ends up hitting Phil. And he keeps hitting him, even after he promises he’ll stop. And Phil believes him, even though he knows the next time they fight, Leo will hit him.

It goes one of two way usually; a fight will break out and when Leo starts screaming at him, Phil can either take it and let Leo call him horrible names and talk down to him and make him feel lower than low, or Phil can argue back and he can stand up for himself and scream back at him. He tries to avoid the latter when he can because whenever it happens, Phil winds up with a black eye or bruises lingering along his skin or heel marks from Leo’s shoes etched into his stomach. And Phil knows this is all happening because of him, because he’s a fuck up, because he’s a terrible boyfriend, because he doesn’t know how to keep Leo happy. He can’t do anything right - that’s why he gets hit. He deserves it.

Phil starts buying drugstore makeup and his history on Youtube is suddenly full of beauty gurus as he learns the art of cover up and foundation and concealer, because Dan can’t know about this - no one can know about this. Aside from the fact that Phil is terrified of Leo hurting Dan if he knows what’s been going on between the two of them, what’s the point in telling anyone when there’s nothing anyone can do about it? This is all happening because of him, and when he figures out how to be a good boyfriend then it’ll all stop.

* * *

“Phil?”

Phil reaches for his duvet, pulling it up to cover his shoulders and bare bruise ridden arms, just in case Dan comes into his room. He wants to say something back, let Dan know that he’s heard him and he’s not ignoring him, but he doesn’t even have the energy to yell his name. Lately, doing anything feels like it’s exerting way too much energy, energy he doesn’t have. He hasn’t been eating as much lately, not that he really even has an appetite. He hasn’t filmed a video in days and he can feel his subscribers getting impatient - he can only throw so many excuses at them without actually saying “sorry I’m feeling a bit too depressed to do anything other than lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.” It’s like there’s a sinking feeling in his chest that’s got him weighted down and he’s too exhausted to do anything about it, so he just lies there because it’s too difficult to try to move with this weight holding him down. And now all he can do is lie there and hope that he’ll sink further and further into his bed until his duvet swallows him whole.

The only time he leaves his room lately is when Leo comes over, or when Leo asks him to come over. Because if he doesn’t, then Leo gets mad at him and anything is better than Leo being mad at him. But the worst thing about all of this isn’t Leo; it’s Dan, because Phil knows he’s worrying him and on top of that, he’s refusing to talk about what’s really wrong with him. And Dan’s too smart to believe that he’s been sick for two months straight.

“Phil?” there’s a knock on his bedroom door, and he holds his duvet tightly. “Phil, are you awake?”

He struggles for a moment, trying and failing to get the words out, before he can choke out, “I’m awake!” and then Dan lets himself inside of his room.

“Hey,” he says, his voice soft the way it always is when Phil is actually sick and he gingerly sits on the edge of his bed. “How are you feeling?” he reaches out to feel Phil’s forehead, and that’s when Phil realizes he must really look like shit right now if Dan actually believes he’s sick.

“M’okay.” Phil mumbles, rolling over so he’s lying on his back now, his blanket still securely around him.

“You’ve been pretty quiet all day, I wanted to make sure you were alright.” Dan tells him, his hand still on his forehead but now playing with his hair in a way that’s so… affectionate? Phil isn’t quite sure he knows what affection is anymore.

“I’m just tired,” Phil tells him, and it’s not exactly a lie.

“Maybe you’ll feel better when Vidcon comes around,” Dan suggests, and Phil bites back a groan because he completely forgot all about Vidcon. And aside from the fact that he’s nowhere near ready for it, he just doesn’t even want to go. He isn’t up for being surrounded by people, have everyone ask him how he’s doing when all he wants to do is tell everyone that he’s not fine at all - but he can’t. And he definitely doesn’t have the energy to fake a smile for three days straight so no one suspects that anything’s wrong. Just thinking about the upcoming Vidcon weekend is making him sick to his stomach because he doesn’t know how he’s going to survive it.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks him, and he realizes that he’s fallen silent since Dan last spoke to him. “Aren’t you excited for Vidcon?”

“Yeah, I am.” Phil replies. “I told you, I’m just tired. But I bet I’ll feel better when we’re in California.”

“I hope so.” Dan tells him.

Phil raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Dan shrugs. “You’ve just seemed so down lately,” he says. “I miss your smile.” he adds jokingly, reaching to playfully pinch Phil’s cheek, but regardless of how serious Dan is when he says it, Phil feels like crying now because he’s just been pushing Dan away lately but he still cares about him. And truth be told, Phil isn’t even sure why he cares so much about him.

“Don’t worry about me,” Phil tells him, making sure to sound as normal as possible and definitely not like he’s about to break down crying. “I’m fine, okay?” he says.

He doesn’t want Dan to believe him. He wants him to ask him if he really is okay, to try and get some proper answers out of him. He wants Dan to suspect that Phil might be lying, and that he’s been lying for two months and that something really is wrong. He wants Dan to pull the blanket off of him and see the bruises on his arm.

But Dan just smiles at him and says, “Okay.”

* * *

Trying to convince Leo not to go to Vidcon with him and Dan without a fight breaking out was more difficult than Phil had anticipated. He tried every excuse he could think of - “you won’t have fun” “remember what happened during Playlist?” “I’ll be really busy” - but trying to talk Leo into letting him go on his own was like pulling teeth.

“Just admit you don’t want me there.” Leo tells him, pacing around the room like he often did when he was angry.

“It’s not that I don’t want you there,” Phil says, anxiously glancing at the door, hoping that any second Dan will just walk in. He knows Leo won’t do anything with Dan around. “You just won’t have a good time, I know you won’t.”

“Yeah,” Leo scoffs. “Because you know me so well, don’t you?”

“Leo -”

“Why don’t you just tell me the truth for once?” Leo demands, raising his voice slightly and Phil flinches. “The real reason why you don’t want me to to Vidcon with you.”

“I already told you -”

“It’s because,” Leo cuts him off again and Phil has to bite back a sigh of annoyance. “You want to be alone with Dan, don’t you?”

This time, Phil actually does groan a bit. “Leo, for the thousandth time there’s nothing going on between Dan and I. Honestly, I don’t understand how you come up with any of this, you need to stop being so jealous.”

“Excuse me?” Leo asks him and now Phil’s mind is racing with profanities because whenever their conversation takes a turn down “excuse me?” street, it’s a car crash waiting to happen.

“I’m - I’m just saying,” Phil stutters. “That you don’t have to worry about anything happening between Dan and I because nothing is going to happen. I - I love you and only you.”

“You love me so much that you’re trying to get away from me?” Leo asks him.

Phil sighs. “Fine then, Come along if you want.” he says, ready to just give up because he doesn’t have the energy to continuously argue with Leo. Not today.

“Well if you don’t want me to come Phil -”

“I’m not saying I don’t want you to come!” Phil interrupts but the thing is that he really doesn’t want Leo coming along and maybe that’s why he’s having such a hard time convincing him not to come along. “You remember how Playlist Live weekend went, do you really want a repeat of that?”

“We wouldn’t have a repeat of anything if you weren’t so selfish.” Leo tells him. “Maybe if you thought of someone besides yourself -”

“Why is everything always my fault?” Phil exclaims before he can stop himself.

“Because you’re the one that keeps fucking up!” Leo snaps and whatever burst of confidence Phil had previously is now gone. “You’re always fucking something up Phil! Maybe if you were a bit more considerate and knew how to keep your boyfriend happy, none of this would be happening!”

“I’m sorry.” Phil utters softly.

Leo rolls his eyes. “You’re always fucking sorry.” he says. “You know what? You are sorry - a sorry excuse for a boyfriend!” he reaches out, grabbing the front of Phil’s shirt and yanking him up to his feet, and Phil closes his eyes, bracing himself for whatever impact is to happen next when he hears Dan call out, “Phil?”

“In my room!” Phil shouts back quickly, and Leo lets go of him just as Dan pushes open his bedroom door and lets himself inside.

“Hey Leo,” he says briefly.

“Dan.” Leo replies just as curt.

“Phil, have you finished packing for Vidcon?” Dan asks, turning his attention on Phil now.

“Almost.” Phil says, then anxiously glances at Leo once more. “We were just talking about Vidcon, actually.”

“Oh.” Dan says shortly. “Is Leo coming with us again?” he asks, his teeth grit in something that’s meant to resemble a smile of some sort.

“No, actually.” Phil says, nervously glancing over at Leo again. “That’s what we were talking about, we both decided that it’d be better if Leo stayed home this time.” out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Leo’s jaw tense with anger and he’s got this gnawing feelings that he’s going to end up regretting this.

And truth be told, hours later at Leo’s house when they’re fighting again as Phil’s lying on his living room floor, blood on his lips and bruises battered into his skin, he does regret it. But in some weird, sick and twisted way it’s almost worth it because at this rate, all Phil needs is a couple of days away from Leo. Maybe after that, after they’ve had some time apart from each other and after they’ve both had some time to breathe, things between them will go back to how they were in the beginning of their relationship. Maybe after that, Phil and Leo will be happy together again.

* * *

Just like a few months ago, Cat meets Dan and Phil at the airport when their flight lands in LAX. Dan tries to make a ‘Party In The USA’ reference to Phil, but his joke gets no laughs, not even a small smile. And that’s when Dan thinks back to their conversation from a few days ago in Phil’s room, when he said he’d be okay once they were in California, but Dan’s starting to second guess himself for believing him. Maybe Phil really isn’t okay.

But Phil’s always been a pretty good actor, so he knows that he’ll be able to convince everything that there’s nothing wrong wrong. Or so, he thought he’d be able to.

The first day is easy; all of their British friends get together, all exhausted from the flight and the time change, and aside from a few run ins with a few fans, it’s overall a very calm day - just what Phil needed. The problem is though Phil’s fake smile is transparent and everyone can see through it. All day, his friends keep asking him if he’s okay, and Phil’s cheeks are sore from forcing a wide, fake smile and choking out “I’m fine.”

The second day, however, is very fast paced - meetups and panels and their onstage performance and it’s so exhausting, Phil’s so exhausted. He doesn’t know how he’s going to keep himself together when he feels like falling apart, but he manages. Barely however; he’s tense and on edge for hours, and as the day goes on it becomes more and more noticeable to everyone around him. He never would’ve known that acting like he’s fine would be so tiring, so strenuous. He feels like he’s being held together by a series of strings and one by one, they’re all being cut and before he knows it, he’s going to collapse.

Day Two is the worst; everything is too much for him. There’s people surrounding him at all times and he can’t let his guard down for a second. His cheeks and jaw actually ache from forcing smiles and laughs for hours, but there’s an ache in his chest that’s the worst; it’s like a weight being pressed down harder and harder, and he just can’t breathe. And he hates that he can’t talk about it to anyone, specifically Dan because all he wants to do is sit down with his best friend and vent about everything that’s been going on for the past couple of months and get everything off of his chest - but he can’t. He can’t tell anyone, he can’t say anything, he can’t do anything; he just has to deal with it.

Hours later, it’s all over; their on stage performance comes to a close and all of Phil’s strings are have been severed and he feels only seconds from collapsing. He doesn’t stick around a second longer than he needs to. He quickly makes his way up to their hotel room, not bothering to check if Dan’s following him or not. When he finally makes it up to their floor he lets himself, making sure to lock the door behind him, and he throws himself down onto the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest and finally letting himself cry.

This has been happening a lot lately. He’s just got so many pent up feelings that he can’t dare to express, and there’s so much he’s keeping to himself that sometimes it all just gets a bit too much for him and he crashes. And that’s what’s happening right now, he’s crashing but not only that he feels like he’s crashing and burning; he sobs into the pillows, not caring if he’s being too loud or not, and he cries all the tears he’s been trying to hold back for days now.

He hates this. He hates that he feels like he’s living a double life now, he hates that there’s a huge part of his life that he can’t let anyone know about. He hates that he’s always just so sad lately, that he doesn’t have the will to do anything anymore. He hates that Dan misses his smile. He hates that he let Leo take his smile away in the first place.

* * *

After Phil escapes back to their hotel room, Dan joins their friends in a room which has been dubbed as “backstage Vidcon” which is really just a poorly lit room with a lot of couches and refreshments, and everyone escapes there when they need to take a breather. Dan drops down onto one of the couches and sits himself next to Cat, closing his eyes and sighing deeply.

“Where’s Phil?” Cat asks after a moment.

Dan shrugs. “He went back to our hotel room, I think he just needs some time alone.” he tells her.

Cat hesitates for a moment. “Speaking of Phil,” she starts, and Dan opens his eyes and turns his head to look at her. “Is he okay?” she asks. “I mean, I know he’s been saying that he’s fine but… is he really fine?”

Dan falls silent for a moment, he’s been dreading this question. He knew that people would flock to him at some point and want to know the truth behind Phil’s behavior as of lately, but he doesn’t have any answers. For a while now, when someone asked if Phil was okay, he’d just lie and say yes. When fans asked why he hasn’t been uploading as much, he’d pull out all kinds of excuses - he’s been really busy lately or he hasn’t been feeling well. And for the most part, everyone believes him; hell, Dan even starts to believe himself after a while. But he knows the truth - or at least he knows half of the truth, he knows that Phil isn’t okay but he doesn’t know why. “I don’t know.” he finally says. “He’s be really depressed lately and I have no idea why.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” Cat asks.

“I’ve tried to.” Dan tells her. “He just refuses to talk to me.”

“But you know it’s something?” Cat asks in confirmation, and when Dan nods in agreement, she goes to say, “Well, maybe Leo knows something. Have you tried talking to him?”

Dan opens his mouth to say something, his mind reeling with any and all sarcastic remark he can make in regards to Leo, when he’s interrupted by an excited, “Hi!” Dan looks up and sees Zoe and Louise walking up to him, and he stands up to hug them both. “You alright?” Zoe asks him. “You’re looking a bit down today.”

“I’m fine,” Dan tells her. “Really, I am. But… I don’t think Phil is.”

“So,” Zoe briefly glances to Louise. “You don’t know what’s wrong?”

“He won’t talk to me.” Dan says because there’s no point in trying to deny the truth; everyone knows that something is going on with Phil anyway. “And I know it’s something, it has to be something because Phil doesn’t act like this. But I have no idea what it could be because he just won’t talk to me about it.”

“How long has he been acting like this?” Louise asks him, and the three of them sit down close together so they can privately converse.

“A couple of weeks,” Dan admits. “It kind of just… happened. Like over time he’s just become more and more depressed. He barely gets out of bed now, I have to fight with him to get him to eat - and he’s always so on edge too. He looks over his shoulder a lot and he flinches whenever I walk up to him. I don’t know why though and it’s driving me insane.”

“What about Leo?” Cat asks again. “Do you think he knows anything?”

Call him selfish, but Dan hopes that Leo doesn’t know something about his best friend before he does. But he doesn’t say that; no one needs to know about his jealousy and semi-unnecessary dislike towards Leo, so he just says, “I’m not sure, Leo and I don’t talk that much.”

“Well I’m sure that if something is really wrong with Phil, you’d be the first to know,” Zoe tells him and that makes him feel a bit better. “Maybe you should try and talk to him again. Don’t push him into talking if he doesn’t want to, but there’s no harm in trying again.”

“She means right now,” Louise adds. “Because none of us are going to be okay until we know he’s fine - at least at the moment.”

“Point taken,” Dan says and he pushes himself up to his feet, excusing himself to head up to his hotel room and hopefully get Phil to to talk to him. He uses his key card to let himself in and when he does, he sees Phil lying in his bed crying.

“Phil?” he speaks his name tentatively. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” Phil mumbles, his face pressed against his pillow. His voice shakes as he speaks. “N - nothing’s wrong.”

“Phil, you’re crying.” Dan crosses the room, walking over to his bed and taking a seat next to him. He rubs Phil’s back comfortingly and a sob escapes the older boy’s lips. “Phil, please just tell me what’s wrong.” Dan pleads with him, his heart positively breaking right now. He hates that Phil is so upset and he hates even more that he doesn’t know how to make it better.

“It’s - it’s nothing.” Phil chokes out, hugging his pillow tighter as if he’s trying to hide himself from Dan.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.” Dan tells him. “But if you want to talk to me about anything, you know you can. I’m your best friend and you can tell me anything.” Phil chokes back another sob, and while what Dan said doesn’t necessarily open up the lines of communication, it gets Phil to roll over and actually face him. Dan reaches out to thumb away his tears and he tells Phil, “I love you, you know.” because he suspects Phil might need to hear that.

Phil sniffles. “I love you too.” he says quietly, and Dan lies down next to him, opening his arms and letting Phil lie close to him. He holds him tight, and Phil buries his face against Dan’s chest, and the two of them lie like this for hours, until the sun goes down and their hotel room gets dark. And only then, does Dan break their embrace to turn on a lamp and then he goes right back to cuddling Phil.

“You don’t have to stay with me all night,” Phil tells him quietly, speaking as if he expects Dan to leave him. “I’m fine - I will be fine. You can go out and have fun with everyone if you want to.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Dan tells him.

Phil sighs, feeling terrible that he’s keeping Dan stuck in their hotel room on a Saturday night when he could be out with all of their friends. “Dan -”

“I’m serious, I’m not leaving you,” Dan insists. “I don’t care if you claim to be fine, I’m not going anywhere.”

Phil closes his eyes, pressing his face against the fabric of Dan’s shirt as a fresh wave of tears roll down his face and he utters to Dan, “Thank you.” and the two of them lie together until Phil fall asleep in Dan’s arms, exhausted from crying, exhausted from this entire day. Dan’s tempted to wake Phil up and get him to take his contacts out and change into something more comfortable than jeans, but he doesn’t have the heart to wake him; for the first time in weeks, Phil looks at peace.

Dan reaches into his pocket for his phone and sends a quick text to Cat, ‘Phil’s fine. Going to stay in with him for the rest of the night’ and then places his phone on the end table. And he wraps his arms around his best friend and closes his eyes, trying not to think about whatever Phil’s trying to keep a secret from him.

* * *

As the weekend draws to an end, Vidcon comes to a close and Phil is nowhere near ready to go back home yet. His phone has been blowing up all weekend with texts and calls from Leo, but he’s been ignoring him and he knows when he gets back to London, Leo won’t be happy with him. Aside from that, however, he just doesn’t want to see Leo again; while this weekend wasn’t as relaxing or stress-free as he had hoped it would be, it was still better than being back in London with Leo and Phil just needs more time.

He tries to talk Dan into staying a couple of extra days, and for the most part it works, but they can only stay until about Thursday, because Friday is pushing it and they can’t be too jetlagged for the radio show. And Phil tries to cherish their few extra days in California, but then it’s back home, and all day long Phil feels like he’s going to be sick.

Cat drives them to the airport, and Phil can’t stop shaking. Cat and Dan notice, of course they do, Phil can’t be more obvious. His knees are bouncing at top speed and when he finally gets them to hold still, his hands start trembling and he can’t sit still whatsoever. Cat keeps glancing at him through the rearview mirror, asking him if he’s sure he’s okay, and Dan does the same, continuously turning around to check up on him. And Phil keeps just saying he’s fine.

She drops the pair of them off at the airport, giving them both a hug goodbye before departing, and it’s only minutes before their flight and Phil can’t breathe. It’s like that sinking feeling he’s felt from before, but worse now, more intense now. There’s a tightness in his chest and it’s wrapping around his lungs and squeezing, and it keeps squeezing harder and tighter and no air can get in or out right now, and he can’t fucking breathe. He exhales forcibly, short gasps escaping his lips and it’s all he can choke out but it’s not enough and he’s getting dizzy now. Everything before him swaying, as if he’s on a boat, and he feels like he’s swaying as he walks but he doesn’t really know where he’s going. Dan’s in front of him, that much he knows, but he can barely see him, his friend reduced to a six foot three blur in front of him. And he still can’t breathe.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice echoes and it sounds distant, as if he’s calling out for him from far away; it’s like he’s not right in front of him when Phil knows very well that he is. “Phil? Phil!”

He feels a pair of hands on his shoulders and the next thing he knows, he’s sitting on the ground, his back against the wall and he still can’t breathe. He presses his hand to his chest, as if that’ll help open things up and help the air go in and out of his lungs, but it doesn’t do anything and he’s starting to panic now.

“Phil, Phil, just listen to me, okay?” Dan tells him, and he cups his face in one hand, the other moving to run his fingers through Phil’s hair. “It’s okay, you’re going to be fine. You’re okay, you’re okay.” he pulls Phil in for a hug, and Phil buries his face into Dan’s chest. He wants to cry but he can’t, and he’s shaking and sweating, and he just wants this all to end.

One of Dan’s hands stay playing with his hair, but the other reaches for his phone, and he fumbles a bit, struggling to ring the person he’s trying to reach. “It’s okay Phil, it’s okay - h- hey Zoe? Yeah, it’s Dan,”

Zoe answers on the second ring. “Oh hey, what’s up?”

“I, uh - I think Phil’s having a panic attack,” he tells her, his voice shaking as he struggles to get the words out.

“Dan, are you sure??” she asks him, her tone suddenly serious and focused.

“I - I think so, he’s never had one before.” Dan stutters.

“Okay, okay, just stay calm, alright?” Zoe tells him. “If you start to panic, it’s going to make Phil panic even more.”

“Okay.” Dan says, and he sighs a little. He can feel Phil shaking against him, and he keeps running his fingers through his hair, in hopes that it’ll calm him down even just a little bit. “What do I do?”

“If you can, try and remove him from whatever’s caused him to panic,” she explains. “If you’re inside, see if he wants to go outside and if he does then get him outside because that might help him calm down. Basically, whatever he asks you to do, try and do it for him; if he tells you to give him space, just back up and give him space.”

“Okay,” Dan says. He looks down at Phil pressed against him, the older boy still shaking, still gasping for breath. “He - he’s hyperventilating, what do I -”

“Try and get him to mimic your breathing,” she tells him. “Take deep breaths and exhale slowly, and have him mimic that until his breathing returns to normal okay?”

“Okay.” Dan says again, trying to absorb everything she’s saying and hoping he doesn’t fuck this up.

“Alright, go tend to Phil now, and if you need anything, please call back.” she says, and Dan thanks her before ending their call and putting his full attention on Phil.

“Phil, Phil,” Dan breaks their embrace only to place his hands on Phil’s shoulders and have him look at him. “It’s going to be alright, but you just have to listen to me alright?” Phil nods; he trusts Dan, he knows Dan will make all of this stop. “Just mimic my breathing, okay?” Dan tells him, and when Phil nods again he takes a deep breath and holds it until Phil takes one as well. He then exhales slowly, and Phil copies him and though it comes out shaky, Dan tells him it’s okay and that he’s okay, and they repeat the process until Phil’s breathing easy again and Dan lets out a sigh of relief.

“Th - thanks,” Phil stutters. He’s still shaking so much, and Dan pulls him into another hug, holding him tightly and rubbing his back. And Phil just melts under his embrace, taking deep breaths just because he can breathe again, and he closes his eyes, burying his face in the crook of Dan’s neck.

“Are you okay now?” Dan asks softly.

“I think so.” Phil replies after a moment. He pulls away from Dan and runs his fingers through his hair, looking down at his lap. “I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me.” he tells Dan, and Phil realizes that he’s gotten so good at lying lately he’s even starting to believe himself.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t usually get panicky before we fly.” Dan says.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” Phil says again. “Thanks to you that is,” he adds and Dan blushes lightly.

“More like thanks to Zoe,” he says. “Truth be told, I wasn’t really sure what to do when you started hyperventilating like that.”

“You were there,” Phil says simply. “Honestly, that was enough.”

Dan smiles him and opens his arms, welcoming Phil in for another hug, and Phil moves forward letting Dan embrace him. The younger boy hugs him tightly, and Phil tries not to wince when he feels Dan press against his bruised body, his palms pressing into him and making him tense up just slightly. He exhales slowly, breathing through the pain, and he reminds himself that it’ll pass sooner or later. It always does.

* * *

The plane ride is quiet for the most part, as Phil still won’t tell Dan the real problem here and Dan more or less gives up on asking him, and when they arrive back in London, few words are exchanged between the two of them. The cab ride home is almost as quiet as the plane ride was, but the silence is finally broken when they finally make it back home and Dan asks Phil why his phone keeps going off.

“It’s Leo.” is all he says for a moment. Phil looks down at his phone in his palm; text after text from Leo is coming in, trying to convince him to come over tonight and trying to get Phil to change his mind as he tells him no. “He wants me to come over tonight.”

“And you don’t want to go.” Dan says because sometimes he can read Phil like a book.

“I’d rather he come over here if he wants to see me so badly,” Phil says because if Leo’s over here while Dan is as well he knows nothing will happen.

“Did you tell him that?” Dan asks him.

“Yes,” Phil sighs, bringing a hand up to rub his eyes. He feels a headache coming on. “He’d rather I come over though, so we’re kind of going back and forth about it now.”

“You shouldn’t go over if you don’t want to.” Dan tells him and Phil exhales something that sounds like a laugh because it’s definitely not that easy. “He shouldn’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

“You sound like a pamphlet.” Phil says and he knows he sounds snippy right now, but he’s tired and stressed and the last thing he wants to do is discuss his relationship with Dan.

“Thanks.” Dan says, not picking up on Phil’s tone. “But seriously, don’t let him boss you around.”

“He doesn’t boss me around.” Phil mutters, picking up his phone sending yet another text to Leo letting him know that he’d rather not come over tonight.

“Phil, c’mon.” Dan says. “You’ve got to admit he is pretty bossy.”

“He’s not bossy.” Phil replies immediately, almost robotically - like he’s been programmed to defend Leo.

“All I’m saying is if you don’t want to go over, then don’t go over.” Dan reiterates. “You need to rest anyway, especially after what happened at the airport.” Phil’s cheeks tint pink at the mention of his panic attack earlier. “Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asks him.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Phil says, not meeting Dan’s eyes. “I’m fine now anyway, let’s just put it behind us.”Dan’s silent for a moment, before he reaches for Phil’s phone, taking it from him and placing it on their coffee table. “Hey!”

“Leo can wait.” he says. “Phil you know if there’s something going on with you, you can tell me.”

“I know,” Phil goes to reach for his phone again, but Dan gently pushes him back. “Dan -”

“I know something’s wrong, Phil.” he says seriously. “And you can keep telling me that it’s nothing and that you’re fine, but I know it’s bullshit.”

“You don’t know anything.” Phil tells him.

“I know you’ve been lying to me about something for months now,” Dan replies. “And I know you think that you can’t talk to me about it, but you can.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Phil insists. “Now give me my phone back.”

“Why, is Leo more important to you than I am?” Dan asks.

“Wh - what?” Phil’s head is spinning like it does when Leo asks him questions like this, questions that have nothing to do with what they’re really talking about.

“I’m trying to have a conversation with you Phil,” Dan says, exasperated. “You can’t keep using Leo as your escape,”

Phil closes his eyes briefly, reminding himself not to lose his temper - he’s better than that. “First of all,” he says. “I’m not using Leo as anything. And second of all, there’s no conversation to have because there’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine!”

“And if you weren’t, would you tell me?” Dan asks.

“Of course.” Phil says. “Why do you think that I wouldn’t?”

“Because you won’t talk to me lately!” Dan replies.

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Phil exclaims.

“Phil, I know something’s wrong,” Dan says once again, and Phil rolls his eye because Dan just isn't listening. And then he wonders if this is what Leo feels like when Phil doesn’t listen. “If you would just tell me -”

“Dan!” Phil snaps, and Dan finally shuts up. “Would you stop already?”

“I was just -”

“I know what you’re trying to do,” Phil cuts in because he really just needs this conversation to come to a close already. “But you’re just…” he stops himself before he says something he’ll probably regret.

“I’m what?” Dan asks him. “What am I, Phil?”

“You’re so annoying, okay!” Phil exclaims, and Dan’s face drops completely but he can’t seem to stop himself from talking. “Just leave me alone, please.”

Dan doesn’t say anything after that; instead he just leaves the room, and seconds later Phil can hear his bedroom door slamming shut. With a sigh, Phil buries his face in his hands, feeling absolutely terrible right now. He can’t believe he snapped at Dan like that, he’s never snapped at Dan before nevertheless called him names. He feels like such an asshole right now.

No, worse than that. He feels like Leo right now.

* * *

After that, things are intensely awkward between Dan and Phil. It’s like they’ve been sent back in time to 2009 when Dan and Phil first met, and Dan was so shy around Phil, too afraid to say or do anything. That’s how Dan’s acting around him now; he’s shy and awkward, but now it’s as if he’s trying to avoid Phil. And frankly, Phil doesn’t blame him; he was an ass to him.

Phil can’t take this though; the awkward silences between them are driving Phil insane and it does nothing to lessen the tension in his chest and ease away the pain. It hurts, it hurts so much, and it hurts even more without Dan. He needs Dan. He needs to talk to Dan and he needs Dan to want to be his friend again. Even if Phil doesn’t feel like he deserves Dan as a friend.

“Hey, Dan?” Phil calls out to him when he sees him passing through the hall. Dan stops. “Um, can we talk?”

Dan doesn’t say anything for a moment, but he does turn to make his way into Phil’s room. “Are you sure you want to talk to me?” he asks, taking a seat on the edge of Phil’s bed. “I don’t want to annoy you.”

Phil sighs. “You’re not annoying,” he tells Dan, his heart aching and he hates himself for snapping at him the other day. “You’re my best friend.”

“I am so annoying,” Dan says stubbornly. “You said so yourself.”

““I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Phil says. “I was just trying to get you to stop talking to me and that was wrong. You’re not annoying at all, Dan.”

“Well, if you wanted me to stop talking to you, then it was probably because I was being annoying.” Dan points out.

“Dan please,” Phil sighs again. “I just didn’t want to talk about it. You’re not annoying, you’re a good friend.”

Dan looks down sadly at his lap. “No I’m not.” he mumbles. “Something’s wrong with you and I can’t help you, that doesn’t make me a very good friend.”

Phil doesn’t think it’s possible to feel worse than he does right now. “It’s not anything you can help me with anyway.” he says softly, and Dan looks up at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion and all Phil can offer is, “It’s complicated.”

“How do you know I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me?” Dan asks.

“I just know, okay. There’s nothing you can do.” Phil says sullenly. There’s nothing anybody can do for him. This is all his fault anyway.

“Maybe there is, just tell me what’s going on.” Dan insists.

Phil runs his hands over his face. “I can’t tell you okay.” he says, resting his elbows on his lap and holding his face in his hands.

“Phil,” Dan reaches out and gently tugs his arm away so he looks at him. “You can tell me anything.”

Phil tries to force a smile for Dan’s sake. He isn’t sure what kind of face he’s making but he’s sure it looks nothing like a smile. “Not this.” he tells him.

Dan’s silent for a moment. “Are you in trouble?” he asks.

Phil looks up at him, raising an eyebrow. “What?”

“Are you in trouble?” Dan repeats. “Is it a legal thing? Are you-”

“Dan stop.” Phil interjects. “I can handle it anyway.”

“I don’t think you can.” Dan says simply.

“Well, I can.” Phil replies.

“You’ve been sad for weeks now, you barely go on the internet, and the only time you even leave your room is when stupid Leo comes over,” Dan tells him as if Phil has no idea what’s been going on lately. “So if this is your way of handling things you’re doing a shit job.”

Phil just shakes his head. “You don’t understand.”

“Then make you understand.” Dan says desperately. “I’m your best friend, Phil, why won’t you let me help you?”

Phil rubs his eyes the way he does when he’s feeling stressed. “I already told you,” he says. “This isn’t something you can help me with.”

“I can help you -”

“No, you can’t, okay.” Phil interrupts him. “I can handle everything by myself, I just need you to be my best friend now.”

“I’m not being your best friend by just standing idly by and let whatever’s going on with you continue to go on!” Dan insists.

“I’m a big boy Dan, I can take care of things myself.” Phil says with another heavy sigh.

Dan frowns. “Just because you think you can take care of things yourself, doesn’t mean you have to.” he says.

“I want to.” Phil replies simply.

Dan crosses his arms across his chest. “Well, I don’t want you too.” he says and he sounds a bit like a little kid who just got told off.

Phil mimics his tone. “Well, too bad.”

Dan’s face drops and he falls silent for a moment “Okay,” he says. “I obviously don’t know what’s going on with you, but I don’t think that justifies you being so mean to me. I may be annoying but at least I’m trying to help you.”

“I’m not trying to be mean to you!” Phil tells him. “I’m just saying this is something I can handle myself.”

Dan scoffs. “Well sorry for trying to be your friend then.”

“Dan, don’t be like this.” Phil pleads and he feels that familiar heart breaking feeling in his chest and he suddenly can’t breathe again.

“I’m not being like anything.” Dan says, getting up to his feet.

“Dan-”

“Clearly, you’re a big boy who doesn’t need his best friend to be there for him so sorry for trying to be there for you.” he tells him

Phil makes a noise that almost resembles the sound a kicked puppy makes. “Dan.”

“I need to go edit something - not that you care, you don’t need me anyway.” and with that, Dan leaves Phil’s room.

It’s quiet in Phil’s room now; the only sound to be heard is Dan slamming his door shut and then the sound of him turning his music up too loud but Phil can barely hear it over the sound of his heart hammering in his chest, over the sound of his lungs screaming for help because he can’t breathe right now. Dan left him - Dan said he wouldn’t leave and he left him. But what’s worse is that Phil doesn’t blame him whatsoever. He pushed him away so much and now he’s gone.

Salty tears roll down Phil’s cheeks because even though Dan’s just down the hall, he feels miles away and Phil has no one to blame but himself.

* * *

Phil wakes up, wincing at the bright light that is the sun that burns against his retinas and he goes to sit up, but he ends up moaning in pain and he drops back down onto his bed. Everything aches, every inch of him hurts like a bitch and he feels like one giant bruise. His head throbs and he wants to get up and get a glass of water and take some painkillers, but he can’t. He can’t move, he can’t even blink without feeling an excessive amount of pain shoot throughout his body. He doesn’t think he’s ever been in this kind of pain before.

He tries to remember how this happened; the events of last night are blurry and he comes to two conclusions: one, that he must’ve hit his head somehow last night; and two, that he got into a fight with Leo. Last night is vague but he likes it this way because whatever Leo could’ve done to him, he’s sure he doesn’t want to remember it.

He spends the day lying in bed, hoping that time will heal with wounds or at least help will the pain away. His phone is going off with apology texts from Leo, but Phil doesn’t want to deal with him - at least not now. He knows he’s sorry, but he doesn’t know if he won’t do it again and Phil’s just too exhausted to think about it.

After a while he shifts in bed and rolls over to stare at his bedroom door, half of him just hoping that Dan doesn’t come in because he doesn’t have the energy to cover up whatever marks Leo’s left on him and half of him hoping that Dan does come in because he needs him right now. Dan may not know what’s going on, and Phil most certainly isn’t going to tell him (especially when he knows what Leo is capable of), but he wants him around. Dan makes him feel better; he makes him feel sane… safe.

And then Phil hears a knock on his bedroom door. “Phil?” it’s Dan. “Are you okay?”

Phil takes a deep breath and says, “I’m fine.”

“Okay…” Dan doesn’t say anything for a couple of seconds and Phil assumes that he’ left. “Iit’s just that you’ve been in your room for a while now,” he speaks up again. “And… well, do you want something to eat? Or maybe some company?”

“I’m not hungry,” Phil tells him “But… You can come in if you want to. But don’t feel obligated to.”

“I don’t feel obligated.” Dan pauses again. “I miss you.”

Phil’s throat feels tight and then there’s that feeling behind his eyes that he gets right before he’s about to cry. ‘Don’t cry’ he tells himself, and he clears his throat before saying, “...I miss you too.”

Dan hesitates. “...Can I come in?”

“Uh,” Phil throws his covers back, ignoring the pain that ignites throughout his body as he gets up to his feet. “Wait, give me a second.” he quickly goes to put on cover up so Dan doesn’t see all of his bruises, and although it’s a sloppy job, it’s enough to keep Dan in the dark about what happened between him and Leo. And when he thinks he looks okay, he unlocks and opens his bedroom door and Dan walks inside, not saying anything and just pulling Phil into a hug. Phil tenses up immediately, because it hurts when Dan hugs him too tight. But despite the pain, he returns the hug and he relishes in the fact that Dan’s a bit taller than him as he can rest his chin on the younger boy’s shoulder.

Dan wants to ask if he’s okay, the words are on his tongue, but he doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t want Phil to push him away anymore. Instead, he asks Phil what he wants to watch, and the two of them climb into Phil’s bed, putting in Phil’s DVD of Friends, and Phil lies with his head in Dan’s lap and Dan plays with his hair. They make commentary throughout the episodes, laughing and joking together and it’s as if the last couple of weeks hadn’t happened and things are slowly going back to normal - at least between the two of them.

Hours pass and they get through numerous episodes of Friends; eventually, Dan gets Phil to eat a bit of dinner, and then they pop in a movie - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I - but halfway through, Phil falls asleep. Dan gently moves him so he’s lying with his head on his pillows and he tucks Phil in, pulling his duvet over his body, adjusting it so his arms are atop of his blankets. As he’s doing so, he notices hand shaped bruises on Phil’s wrists and he freezes. Gingerly, he reaches out to touch his arm and Phil flinches in his sleep, rolling over so he’s lying on his side and curling into himself slightly, as if he’s trying to make himself appear smaller.

Dan doesn’t know what to make of the bruises but he’s sure it’s nothing - he wants to believe that it’s nothing. And he pushes the thoughts out of his mind, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead and whisper, “Goodnight.”

* * *

Phil and Leo’s six month anniversary rolls around before Phil can even anticipate it, and as he gets ready for the evening the Leo has planned out, he finds himself wondering how he survived the past six months with Leo - literally. The more he thinks about it though, the more he considers the fact that it has to be because he loves Leo. Their relationship may not be perfect, but Leo loves him and Phil loves him too.

They’ve made it to the sixth month mark of their relationship and maybe that’ll be a turning point for them. Maybe after tonight, things will be better for them. Maybe after tonight, Leo will stop hitting him.

Phil wants to say that Leo doesn’t hit him all of the time - but he does. He wants to say that Phil and Leo can smile and kiss and joke around with each other - but they don’t. He wants to say that things may have been bad but they won’t always be bad - but he isn’t sure if he believes that.

He pushes those dark thoughts out of his mind and forces himself to get dressed and do something with his hair; he wants to look nice for Leo tonight. He doesn’t know where they’re going, but he knows they’re going out to eat and he wants to do anything and everything he can do make sure Leo’s happy tonight. But… it’s just so hard, because Phil isn’t happy. He tries to act like he is because he’s heard “fake it till you make it” is a tactic that could work, but it isn’t working for him. He can fake a smile or force a laugh, but at the end of the day it doesn’t make him feel any better. He’s still unhappy, and even aqthough he doesn’t want to admit it, he’s unhappy with Leo.

Dan appears in his doorway just as he’s finishing straightening his hair. “Leo’s here,” he tells him. He smiles a little. “You look really nice to night.”

“Thank you.” Phil replies, a small but genuine smile making its way onto his face.

“Is that a new shirt?” Dan asks him, taking a closer look at Phil’s new black button down shirt.

“Yeah. Leo likes it when I wear black,” Phil admits. “So he picked this up for me at work.”

Dan makes a noise, as if he doesn’t approve of the fact that Leo is deciding on what he wears, but he simply says, “Well, you look really nice.”

Phil thanks him again, then gets up to his feet and exists his room to find Leo waiting for him. “Hello there, mon cher.” he greets him with a kiss. “I knew you’d look good in that shirt.” Phil just smiles. Despite the fact that he does look nice in his shirt, he doesn’t like it. “Ready to go?” he asks him.

“Ready,” Phil tells him, the fake smile still plastered on his face.

Leo turns to Dan and winks, “Don’t wait up.”

* * *

Leo and Phil’s evening does not go as well as either of them anticipated. Phil’s ‘I’m so happy to be here with you tonight’ facade is so transparent, and Leo can see right through it. He’s trying, he really is, but it’s just so hard and Phil is just so unhappy - especially with Leo.

“Are you really not going to put any effort into our anniversary?” Leo asks him. “I went through so much trouble to get us reservations here, and you don’t even care.”

“I’m just tired.” Phil tells him, looking down at his untouched dinner. “Really, I do appreciate -”

“You must always be tired,” Leo cuts in. “Because you always act like this. You always ruin everything.”

Phil just frowns a bit. “Can we please not do this now?” he asks softly.

“Don’t talk to me like that!” Leo snaps, and Phil flinches. “I have every right to be angry with you right now, you are acting like such a brat! I tried to plan a nice evening for the two of us and you’re being so ungrateful.”

“I’m sorry.” Phil mutters.

Leo scoffs, angrily placing his napkin down onto his dish. “You’re always sorry.” he grumbles, then calls the waiter over, asking for the check. Phil tries to talk him out of ending their evening early, but Leo pays him no mind, clearly unsatisfied with how tonight is going. After paying, the two of them leave the restaurant, and before Phil can say goodbye and head to the train station, Leo grabs him by the arm and pulls him into a cab.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit unreasonable about all of this?” Phil asks him, but Leo just tells him to shut up and he pushes him - literally pushes him - into their cab. The remainder of the ride to Leo’s house is silent.

Phil’s stomach is in knots by the time they get back to Leo’s house, his palms sweating and he begins to tremble when Leo walks in after him, slamming his front door shut. “Why are you acting like this?” he can’t help but to ask.

“Why are you ruining our anniversary?” Leo snaps back.

“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Phil insists. “You - you’re the one who decided to end dinner early, for no reason!”

“Phil,” is all Leo says, but his tone is warning Phil to quit while he can.

Phil doesn’t though. “You overreacted back at the restaurant,” he tells him. “I wasn’t being a brat, I was tired and I didn’t ruin our anniversary! And you need to start listening to me instead of jumping to your own conclusions - because you’re always wrong when you are!”

“Phil, shut up!” Leo tells him. “Don’t talk to me like this.”

“Don’t treat me like shit then!” Phil tells him. His heart is pounding but he feels different now - he’s angry. It’s as if all of the rage he’s felt over the past six months is welling up in his chest and now he’s not holding back. “You’re the one who acted like a brat tonight, not me! And for the record, if anyone ruined our anniversary, it was you!”

Leo’s had it with Phil; he reaches out, grabbing Phil with both hands wrapped tightly around his neck and he squeezes, pushing Phil up against a wall. Phil’s head slams against the wall, and he gasps, then coughs because he can’t breathe with Leo’s hands around his throat. “When I tell you to shut up, you shut up, okay?” Leo hisses. His voice is low and menacing, and he keeps his grip around Phil’s neck tight. “I don’t like it when you don’t listen to me Phil.” he tells him, and he then throws him to the ground.

Phil falls, sprawled out on the floor, gasping for air and coughing, his hand going to touch his neck where Leo’s hands once were. He takes a moment to try and catch his breath, pushing himself up onto all fours, when Leo kicks him in the stomach. He falls down again, and Leo kicks him once more, harder this time, the toe of his shoe hitting hard into his abdomen. “Stop!” Phil begs him. “Stop it, please!”

Leo kicks him once more, harder this time and he tells him, “Stop? You want me to stop? Well, why should I stop?” another hard kick to his stomach, and it knocks the wind out of Phil. “None of this would be happening if you were a better boyfriend!”

Phil chokes back a sob, hot tears rolling down his face. “I didn’t do anything wrong!” he says.

“Don’t you remember?” Leo asks him, and he stops kicking Phil for a moment as he tells him, “I tried so hard to make our anniversary nice and you were so disrespectful and ungrateful.”

“That’s not what -” Phil tries to tell him that’s not what happened, that he didn’t mean to ruin their evening, but Leo kicks him again, his time in his face and Phil lets out a loud cry of pain. He tells him again that this is all his fault, that he has no one to blame but himself, that he deserves this.

And finally he stops, and Phil just lies there, arms wrapped around his stomach, the taste of blood fresh on his lips, and he finds himself hoping that Leo hasn’t done anything to him that he can’t cover up. He coughs and gasps, struggling to catch his breath once again. He needs to get up, he knows he needs to get up and get the hell out of here, but he can’t breathe, he can’t move. He can’t do anything except for lie there, tears and blood sliding down his face.

Neither Phil nor Leo say anything for a moment, the only sounds to be heard in Leo’s house are his heavy breathing and Phil crying. Finally, Phil speaks up, breaking the silence, and he says, “I want to break up.”

Leo doesn’t say anything for a second. “No you don’t.” he finally tells him. Phil chokes on another sob, and Leo then says, “Who’s going to love you if you leave me?”

Phil doesn’t have an answer to this. Before Leo, he had no one - no one wanted him. Leo was the first person to ever love him. And he cries harder when he thinks that Leo could be the last person to ever love him as well.

Eventually, Leo just walks away, leaving Phil lying on his floor. And Phil, unable to move, lies there until the sweet bliss of sleep finally takes him out of his misery.

* * *

It’s half past six when Phil wakes up the next morning, the side of his face rubbed raw with carpet burn and his entire body aching, but he can’t continue to lay here - he knows he can’t stay here for another moment longer.

He forces himself up to his feet, doubling over and holding his stomach as he does so, pursing his lips to stifle a groan of pain. He exhales slowly, reminding himself that he’s going to be okay, and as quietly as he can he makes his way to Leo’s downstairs bathroom. He shuts the door behind him, just in case, and he locks it before turning to look at himself in the mirror above the sink. He winces at his own reflection; he’s got a black eye, probably from when Leo kicked him in the face, and he can see the handprints around his neck. He shudders thinking about it because it just makes him realize that Leo could’ve killed him last night. He didn’t, but he could have, and that scares the shit out of Phil.

He can’t keep looking at himself; instead, he lets himself out, turning the light off as he leaves, and he picks his phone up from the floor - it’s dead now, so he hasn’t got a clue if he’s got any messages from Dan, but right now he can’t be bothered to check - and he leaves Leo’s house. He shuts the door as quietly as he can, and he starts walking. He doesn’t really have a destination in mind, he knows he should probably stop at a drugstore to get something to try and fix himself up, but he walks as if he’s in a daze, making his way through the already crowded sidewalks. He doesn’t apologize when people bump into him, he just moves forward with his head kept down low and his spirits even lower.

He feels terrible. Physically, that’s understandable - Leo practically choked him and could’ve broken his ribs last night - but emotionally and mentally he feels even worse. He hates himself. He hates that he let it get this far. He hates that he let himself be involved with someone who hits him for six months. He hates that he doesn’t do anything to stop it. He hates that he can’t bring himself to tell anyone. He hates himself, he hates himself so much.

He doesn’t hate Leo though, and he doesn’t know why he can’t bring himself to hate Leo, but he can’t. And he hates himself for not being able to hate Leo.

Eventually, he does make it to a drugstore and he doesn’t meet the cashier’s eyes as he purchases some foundation and concealer. He utters out a thank you as he pays, and then heads to the bathroom so he can cover up everything. It takes him twice as long as usual, as he has to stop every couple of seconds because his skin is so tender and even the light touch of the makeup sponge is causing him pain. He finally manages to get his face and neck all covered, and he looks almost normal now.

No one would’ve ever known what he looked like a few minutes before. He isn’t quite sure about how he feels about that anymore.

* * *

Phil finally ends up back home in the early hours of the morning, sneaking inside as quietly as he can so he doesn’t wake up Dan, and then he escapes to his bedroom, where he plugs his phone in to charge and then crawls into bed, pulling his duvet over his head, and a few minutes later, he falls asleep, utterly exhausted.

He wakes up hours later with a pounding headache and an aching neck and stomach, and he realizes it was foolish of him to think that yesterday was just some horrific nightmare. But then he realizes that his entire relationship is kind of a nightmare.

He grabs his phone, noticing the sudden influx of texts and missed calls - nearly all of them from Dan, which makes Phil realize that he never let him know that he wasn’t coming last night, and several from Leo apologizing for last night. He deletes the messages without reading them, then turns on his front facing camera to make sure that the marks from last night are still covered up. He looks at his neck and for the most part, he can’t see the handprints that Leo had left behind, but Phil knows they’re there.

He forces those thoughts out of his mind as he touches up on the cover up, and then leaves his room to go out to the lounge. “Phil!” Dan exclaims as soon as he enters the room, and Phil flinches when he raises his voice. “Where have you been? When did you get in?”

“One question at a time, please.” Phil tells him, sinking down onto the couch next to Dan. “I’m tired.”

“Sorry,” Dan apologizes. “So when did you come home? I thought you weren’t staying out all night.

“Sorry,” Phil tells him. “I didn’t plan on staying over; after dinner I went back to Leo’s and I just…” he trails off for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts and he simply says, “I just fell asleep.” he says simply. Not a complete lie.

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay.” Dan tells him, and Phil bites back a bitter laugh because he’s the furthest thing from okay. “What time did you get in?”

“I woke up early, and then just decided to come home,” Phil tells him, hoping that their conversation will come to a close soon.

“Did you have a good time?” Dan asks.

“Yeah, it was fine.” Phil says. “What’d you get up to while I was gone?” he asks, changing the subject. It works, thankfully, and Dan goes into how he spent his night - complete with anime and Tumblr - and Phil tries to focus all of his attention on Dan and not his phone vibrating constantly in his lap, blowing up with texts from Leo.

After a while, because Leo does not stop texting him, Phil excuses himself to call him. Leo answers on the first ring, and he starts rambling out an apology, his words mixing together with a plethora of “I’m sorry”s and “I’ll never do it again”s and “I love you”s. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Leo tells him, and Phil isn’t sure why but hearing him say this makes him start crying. Maybe it’s because he knows by now it’s all a lie. “I don’t know what came over me - I’m so, so sorry Phil. You know I love you; I’ll never do this again -”

“It’s okay.” Phil cuts in, bringing his free hand up to wipe at his eyes. “Already forgotten.”

He hears Leo sigh. “Good.” he says. “I love you so much Phil. What happened last night is never going to happen again.” Phil doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Leo asks him, “Do you love me, Phil?”

Phil wipes at the tears rolling down his cheeks once more and he says, “Yeah, I love you, Leo.”

* * *

Phil doesn’t know what to do.

He isn’t one normally prone to depression - sure he gets sad every now and again, who doesn’t? But this is like something he’s never experienced before. It’s like sad isn’t strong enough to describe how he feels anymore and he almost feels… empty. He feels nothing.

He hasn’t filmed a video in weeks - getting his camera and lights set up and faking a smile and pretending that he’s perfectly fine for a couple of minutes is just too much for him, nevermind editing it all. He can’t even remember the last time he uploaded, all he remembers is that Dan had to edit it for him and then upload it for him and he hates that, he hates that Dan had to take care of his channel for him, he hates that it’s gotten to this, he hates that he doesn’t even care anymore but a part of him still does care.

He tries to act like he’s most certainly not neglecting YouTube, but whenever he checks his mentions on Twitter it’s tweet after tweet of viewers asking about him - asking if he’s okay, asking when he’s going to post a new video. It gets to the point where it doesn’t even matter what he tweets about, almost all of his replies are asking for a new video. It’s all so overwhelming, honestly he doesn’t know how Dan can cope with it. But he certainly cannot, and he simply just stops checking his Twitter for a while.

He can’t take it; he’s at the point where he kind of doesn’t care - not just about YouTube but about anything anymore - but there’s still apart of him that cares a lot, and he feels like he’s letting everyone down. He hates that feeling. So it just becomes easier to avoid the internet altogether; he doesn't’ check Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook - none of it. He just can’t.

He can hear Dan doing a liveshow and it makes him realize that he can’t remember the last time he’s done one, and the guilt is gnawing at him. He decides that maybe he should pop in and say hi to everyone really quickly - maybe a brief cameo will hold them over for a while.

He gets up, making his way to the office when he hears Dan say, “Where’s Phil?” and he stops. “Phil’s fine,” Dan says to everyone. “Yeah, he’s just been dealing with a lot lately - you know, Vidcon and then he got the Vidcon Virus, on top of being jetlagged, so that was fun. And then he just had some family things to deal with - it’s all okay though. Phil is okay, he’s just dealing with some real life things and he’ll be back to uploading as soon as he gets himself together. Spotify update? Good idea! Okay, so what do you guys think…”

Phil stops listening after that; he turns around and heads right back to his room, burying himself under his duvet and pillows once more. He can’t believe Dan lied for him - he can’t believe that Dan made up such a detailed and convincing story just to get people to leave him alone for a while. And he doesn’t even know why he did it; he’s been so horrible to Dan lately, but Dan is still being a good friend to him.

Phil buries himself deeper and deeper under his mound of pillows. He doesn’t deserve a friend like Dan.

* * *

The boys’ flat is always much quieter when there’s only one of them home and definitely lonely; there’s no one to banter with or shout anime impersonations across the halls with, And lately it’s been all too quiet and Dan has been very lonely. Phil’s been spending a lot of time at Leo’s house, more than usual, and Dan’s been home alone much more often than he’s used to. And it’s not that he necessarily has a problem with being alone - okay, he does; he hates being alone and it’s worse when he knows that Phil is meant to be here and he’s not - he just misses Phil. That’s what it comes down to, he misses his best friend.

It’s another one of those lonely days; Phil’s over at Leo’s and Dan’s scrolling mindlessly through tumblr, liking some fan art. when his Skype ringtone goes off and he nearly jumps out of his skin, the loud sound scaring him slightly. He takes a second to compose himself before he answers the call and Zoe and Louise pop up on his screen. He smiles a little seeing his friends, “Hey guys!”

“Hi!” Zoe and Louise both wave at him.”We miss you! We haven’t seen you since Vidcon and we barely saw you there,” Zoe says.

“I know, I miss you guys too.” Dan says, feeling a bit guilty for neglecting the two of them recently.

“So, how’ve you been lately?” Louise asks him.

Dan’s shoulders rise and fall. “Fine.” he says simply.

“Oh no,” Louise says the same time Zoe asks, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.” Dan says and he realizes he’s sounding a bit like Phil right now.

Apparently he sounds convincing enough for the girls, because they change the subject. “So, how’s Phil?” Louise asks him.

“He’s at Leo’s.” Dan says bitterly. “Again.” he notices Zoe and Louise glance at each other, and he asks them, “What?”

“We were just wondering,” Zoe says slowly. “What you thought of Leo?” Dan bites his lip, falling silent for a moment, debating on whether or not he should tell them what he really thinks of Leo, when Zoe cuts into his thoughts and says, “You don’t like him, do you?”

“No.” Dan admits. “I really don’t like him.”

“Really?” Louise asks. “That’s a bit of a shock; we always thought you liked him.”

“I can’t stand him.” Dan says, and Zoe and Louise widen their eyes in shock. “He’s so -” he groans for a second, words beyond him as he tries to express his disdain for Leo. “He’s manipulative for one, and he’s so controlling; he treats Phil as if he’s his property, not his boyfriend. And I don’t like how he talks to Phil either.”

“How does he talk to him?” Zoe asks, eyebrows knitting together, her features laced with concern.

“He just talks down to him a lot,” Dan says. “I can overhear them sometimes and whenever they argue, Leo always tells him that he’s stupid - oh, and speaking of arguing, they argue a lot. Leo has the worst temper, and he’s always blowing up at Phil.”

“So he’s not a perfect person,” Louise says - just like her to try and shed a silver lining on a situation. “People change, maybe he just has some growing up to do.”

“Maybe.” Dan says, unconvinced. “I don’t know, Phil’s just been so sad lately and I didn’t want to think this at first, but I think it’s because of Leo.” he glances up at his computer screen to see Zoe’s eyes going wide and his heart skips a beat. “What?” he asks her. “Why’d you make that face?”

Zoe exhales slowly. “Okay, I’m no expert.” she starts. “But… being controlling and manipulative and fighting a lot are all red flags, and maybe Phil and Leo’s relationship isn’t as healthy as everyone thinks it is.”

“How do you know all of this?” Dan asks.

“My last relationship - before Alfie - was really terrible.” she explains.

Louise groans. “Ugh. Dick.”

“You dated a guy called Dick?” Dan asks.

“No, chummy just refers to him as Dick instead of by his real name.” Zoe explains.

“He’s lost the privilege to be called by his real name.” Louise says.

Zoe chuckles briefly. “Anyway, the relationship was really toxic and unhealthy, and he treated me terribly and I don’t want it to be true, but maybe Phil is being treated badly as well.”

“D - define badly.” Dan says nervously.

“Well,” Zoe sighs. “With Dick I was lied to, cheated on, betrayed… but I think the worse thing that came out of is was how I felt afterwards. Because dealing with all of that on top of a really bad relationship left me feeling very depressed. Even doing things that I really enjoyed doing, like making videos, was just too much effort and I couldn’t be bothered. And for a really long time I thought that I was never going to find anyone again but worse, I thought that going to be like this forever and that I was never going to be happy again.”

“After their breakup, she used to sleep in my dining room for twenty hours a day,” Louise says sadly. “She just flopped about, eating pizza and crying.”

“I don’t get it though,” Dan says. “If their relationship really is as toxic as we think it is, why doesn’t Phil just leave?”

“The thing is, when you love someone you lose sight of what’s normal and what’s not normal,” Zoe explains to him. “And if Phil’s going through a bad situation with Leo, he probably feels really trapped because on one hand he loves Leo, but on the other hand he knows he can’t be with Leo. So it’s his heart over his head in this situation, and it’s not always as simple as just walking away”

“So what should I do?” Dan asks. “Because I can’t even get him to admit there’s a problem.”

“If I had to guess, he doesn’t want to talk about it because that would mean admitting that their relationship wasn’t a good one, and that might not be something he’s ready to admit.” Zoe tells him.

“You’re not going to like this suggestion,” Louise says next. “But you could always go and talk to Leo, and try to get some insight on their relationship.”

“Maybe that’s a good idea.” Dan admits.

“Also,” Zoe cuts in quickly. “If you are going to talk to him, please just try to be civil and polite with him - even if you can’t stand him, just act as if you’re in a situation where you need to be professional. If you’re not, then you aren’t going to hear what you want to hear.”

“Got it,” Dan says with a nod. “I’ll try and talk to Leo, hopefully soon.”

“Keep us updated please,” Zoe tells him. “We’re just as worried about Phil as you are.”

Dan nods again. “I will, I promise.” he says. They chat for a few more minutes before ending the call completely, and Dan’s left with just his thoughts now, as he mulls over just how he should approach Leo.

* * *

When Dan gets the chance, the first thing he does is go to Leo’s house. It’s hard to do so without Phil knowing, especially with Phil almost always at Leo’s in the first place, but one day the odds are in his favor and he’s able to sneak out of the flat and head over to Leo’s place.

He’s undoubtedly nervous about talking to Leo; aside from the fact that he doesn’t even like Leo and really has no desires to converse with him, he has no idea what’s going to come of their conversation. He has a feeling in his gut that Leo isn’t going to offer up anything he really needs to know, but at the same time he’s worried about what Leo could tell him.

When he makes it to Leo’s house, he knocks on Leo’s front door and waits anxiously on his front step for Leo to answer it. When he finally does, he raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Dan?” he asks. “To what do I owe this… pleasure?”

Dan picks up on his imminent sarcasm. “Can we talk?” he asks him, remembering Zoe’s advice to keep his cool and stay - for lack of a better term - professional with Leo. “It’s about Phil.”

“Of course,” Leo steps aside and Dan walks inside. He shuts the door behind him before turning to face him and he asks, “So what is this about?”

Dan chews on his bottom lip, hesitating a moment before he says, “Phil hasn’t been himself lately.” he starts and he decides that he isn’t going to get anywhere if he beats around the bush and he’s just going to cut straight to the point. “In fact, he hasn’t been himself since he met you. And I don’t like the effect you’ve been having on him.”

Leo raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re rambling on about.” he says, and Dan’s jaw tenses. “I love Phil, and Phil loves me.”

“Okay, for the record you may have fooled Phil with that ‘I love you bullshit’ but I’m not Phil and you can’t fool me,” Dan tells him, taking a step closer and closing the gap between the two of them. “I can see right through your facade; you’re manipulate, you’re a liar, and you’re a piece of shit and I don’t know what exactly is going on between you and Phil but I know it’s not good and I know your relationship isn’t as perfect as you’re trying to make everyone think it is.”

Leo scoffs, a condescending smirk on his face. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I know you’re probably the worst thing to ever happen to Phil.” Dan tells him, arms cross, a defiant glare on his face.

“And I know you need to mind your own business.” Leo replies. “What happens in mine and Phil’s relationship is between me and Phil.”

“Like hell it is.” Dan says. “Phil is my best friend, and unlike you, I love him and I’m not going to let him get hurt.”

“Phil is a big boy, Daniel.” Leo sounds bored with the entire conversation - but the smirk doesn’t fall from his face. “He doesn’t need you to take care of him - nor does he want you to.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Phil talks about you, you know.” Leo says casually. “He talks a lot about you. At first I didn’t like it, but then I started listening, really listening to what he had to say about you… I believe the word ‘annoying’ came up in conversation a lot.”

Dan’s face pales a bit, but then he reminds himself just what Leo is capable of and he asks him, “Do you really think I’m going to believe a word that comes out of your mouth?”

“I’m not the one who said it; Phil did.” Leo says simply.

“And you’re more full of shit than I thought you were.” Dan says with a scoff. “You can say whatever you think is going to get to me, but it isn’t going to work. You’re kidding yourself if you think you can fool me into thinking that you’re not an asshole, but I know you are. And nothing you say is going to change my mind. I don’t like you, I don’t trust you, and I’ve wanted to tell you this since the first day I met you, but your accent is stupid.”

Leo keeps up his ‘I’m so bored with this conversation’ facade and doesn’t even look at Dan as he says, “Wow, Phil was right - you are annoying. And you just don’t listen.”

“Then how about you listen to me - leave Phil alone.” Dan says as threateningly as he can - which truth be told, isn’t very threatening because Dan is not a threatening person; but he wants Leo to know that he’s not fucking around anymore and he will take drastic measures if need be. “I don’t know what you’re doing to him or how you’re manipulating him, but you need to leave him alone. Or else.”

Leo takes another step closer to Dan, and Dan has to resist the urge to back away from him; even though Dan has a fair few inches on Leo, there’s just something about his overbearing persona that makes him seem ten feet tall. “Is that a threat, Daniel?” he asks, his voice low.

“It’s a promise.” Dan says simply.

Leo chuckles lightly. “You don’t scare me Dan.” he says. “I don’t need to have you on my side; I already have Phil. Phil loves me, and no matter how hard you try, that isn’t going to change. I’m here to stay, so get used to it.”

“Over my dead body.” Dan says.

Leo’s eyes seem to darken. “That can be arranged.” he says.

Dan falls silent for a moment, not sure if what to take of what was just said. “You don’t scare me Leo.” he finally tells him.

“Oh, is that so?” Leo asks him.

“Yes, that is so.” Dan replies, mocking Leo’s tone.

Leo’s smirk widens. “Well, does this scare you - how do you think Phil would feel if he heard his so-called best friend was harassing his boyfriend? Just showed up at his house and started yelling at him like a crazy person? Even threatened him?”

Dan gapes at him. “What are you-”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I definitely have Phil wrapped around my finger.” Leo interrupts. “Let’s just see how much longer you’re in the picture.”

“Is that a threat?” Dan asks him.

“It’s a promise.” he tells him, mimicking Dan’s tone from earlier.

Dan glares at him. “Whatever.” he spats “If Phil’s going to lose one of us, I’m going to make sure it’s you.” he tells them, then turns around, ready to head home and get away from this creep.

“Au revoir, Daniel.” Leo says to him.

“Oh, kiss my ass.” Dan says, not turning around to look at him, and he slams his door behind him.

* * *

Later that same day, Phil goes over to Leo’s house, where he’s greeted with a kiss on the cheek and a hug, which truth be told confuses Phil a bit. Leo’s never acted this way towards him.

“You’re in a good mood.” Phil muses, and Leo kisses his cheek again. It feels like the start of their relationship again.

“Only because you’re here, mon cher.” Leo says to him with a smile. He reaches down for Phil’s hands and holds it in his own. “So,” he swings their hands back and forth. “Can we talk?”

“Uh, sure.” Phil says slowly.

“Well, Dan came over earlier.” Leo starts, and Phil’s heart nearly stops. “And he was actually really rude to me - he even accused me of mistreating you.” Leo’s eyes narrow. “Have you told him anything about our relationship that you shouldn’t have told him?”

“No!” Phil says quickly. “No, not at all!”

“Good.” Leo says. “Because you know that our relationship is our business only, right?”

“R - right.” Phil stutters. He feels Leo tightening his grip on his hands.

“So I think,” Leo says. “You should talk to Dan.”

“Talk to Dan?” Phil repeats.

“Precisely.” Leo confirms. “Because he was so rude to me earlier. Do you know how much it hurts to have someone accuse you of not loving your boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry Dan was so rude to you,” Phil tells him. “But honestly, I don’t think that talking to him is going to really accomplish anything.”

Leo lets go of Phil’s hands. “So, does that mean you aren’t going to talk to him?” he asks him.

Phil shrugs. “I don’t know, if you really want me to-”

“Do you really not care that he insulted our relationship and accused me of not loving you?” Leo interrupts him.

“Of course, I care,” Phil tries to tell him. “It’s just that-”

“So talk to him.” Leo tells him.

“I’ll try to, I just don’t want to promise you anything!” Phil says.

“What does that mean?” Leo demands.

Instinctively, Phil takes a step away from Leo; he’s getting angry now, he can tell. The vein in his neck is all but throbbing now and his jaw is locked but what’s worse is his eyes; those warm brown eyes that Phil once found himself falling for are now dark and frightening. Phil swallows thickly before he says, “Dan doesn’t necessarily listen to me.”

“Make him listen.” Leo tells him.

“How do you propose I -” Phil cuts himself off with a cry of pain as Leo grabs him by the wrist and twists his arm behind his back. Pain shoots from his arm to shoulder and he begs for Leo to let him go, but Leo doesn’t listen and instead he presses his arm tighter against his back. Tears of pain well up in Phil’s eyes; Leo’s going to break his arm.

“So,” Leo says, his grip around his wrist tightening and Phil can feel his nails digging into his skin harder and harder the tighter he squeezes. “Are you going to talk to Dan?”

“Yes!” Phil gasps, the words mixing together with a harsh sob that he chokes out as well. “Yes, yes, I promise, I’ll talk to him!”

He doesn’t have to turn around to see the sadistic smile on Leo’s face. “Good.” he says, and he lets go of Phil’s arm. Phil stumbles away from him, rubbing his aching shoulder. Leo closes the gap between them and raises his hand, ignoring the way Phil flinches when he does so, and he thumbs away his tears. “You’re so pretty when you cry,” he murmurs, then leans forward to kiss Phil’s cheek. “You’re so pretty,” he mumbles against Phil’s skin. It makes him shiver. “And you’re all mine.” he pauses for a moment. “Say it.” he says.

“S - say what?” Phil asks nervously.

“Say you’re mine.” Leo tells him.

Phil hesitates, a stray tear escaping down his cheek as he forces himself to say, “I’m yours.”

* * *

The next day, Phil knocks on the doorframe of the office and Dan minimizes the window he has open on his computer before turning around to face him. “Long time no see, stranger.” he says with a smile and even though he’s joking, it still hurts to hear it.

“Hey,” Phil says. hesitantly walking into the office. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Dan’s eyebrows knit together.

Phil sighs. “Did you talk to Leo?” he blurts out. “Recently or anything?”

Dan looks a bit guilty as he looks down at his lap, toying with the hem of his shirt. “Uh, yeah.” he mumbles. “I went over his house the other day.”

“Why?” Phil asks with a sigh, sounding almost like a disappointed parent - especially when he brings his hands up to rub his eyes.

“I was asking him if you were okay cause you’ve been so down and you won’t talk to me.” Dan explains.

“Well, don’t talk to him okay.” Phil says simply, and he hopes it’ll be the end of their conversation.

It’s not. Dan raises an eyebrow and gets up to his feet. “I was trying to help you, okay.” he tells Phil. “Leo was the one who started being an asshole.”

Phil sighs again. “I know you’re trying to help, but please just take my word on this and stay away from Leo.” he tells him, hoping to reason with him - even if he’s not necessarily being reasonable right now. But it’s for the best if Dan just avoids Leo, and even if he can’t tell Dan why, he just wants him to listen.

“Well, I want you to stay away from him too.” Dan tells him. “He’s a manipulative asshole - why are you with him anyway?”

“I… love him.” Phil has to force the words out now. Once upon a time, they came out so easily, but now it’s like pulling teeth to get him to say it; it’s as if he doesn’t want to admit it anymore. “That’s why I’m with him.”

“He doesn’t treat you right Phil, even I can see that.” Dan says.

“Leo loves me, okay.” Phil says desperately, but he doesn’t know if he’s trying to convince Dan or himself. “Our relationship may not be perfect, but he loves me.”

“Does he really?” Dan asks. “He’s a manipulative asshole, Phil. How do you know he’s not lying to you so he can control you more? Because that’s what he’s doing, I’ve figured it out. You’re sad because of him and you don’t need him Phil, why can’t you see that?”

“He does love me!” Phil exclaims. His throat feels tight and he can feel the sting in his eyes that lets him know he’s seconds away from crying. “S - sometimes he’s a bit controlling, but he means well, he’s just looking out for me.”

“Is he really? Can you honestly say you’re happy right now?” Dan asks him.

Phil feels like he’s under attack right now. There’s so much he wants to tell Dan - he wants to tell him the truth. But he can’t. He can’t tell him anything and it’s killing him because Dan knows that he’s not happy and he knows that something is going on between him and Leo. But Phil can’t tell him, he wouldn’t dare to tell him; he knows what Leo is capable of and he’d rather get kicked and punched and choked by Leo everyday if it meant keeping Dan safe. “Dan, please.” Phil says, closing his eyes. He can feel the tears already rolling down his cheeks, and he hates himself even more for crying now - why is he so fucking pathetic? “Just stop.”

“You don’t look happy to me.” Dan says softly, and Phil can hear the hurt and worry in his voice.

Phil sniffles. “... I am.”

Dan sighs. “Phil, you’re always holed up in your room, you never talk to me, you don’t make videos anymore, and you cry all the time - you’re crying right now.”

“Thanks for the recap.” Phil mutters, rubbing his eyes.

“ You’re not happy, Phil.” Dan tells him.

“Stop, I don’t want to talk about this.” Phil tells him. “I can’t talk about this.”

“Well, when are you going to talk about it?” Dan asks, two parts desperate one part just exasperated.

“I don’t know!” Phil exclaims. “Just stop asking me!”

“Phil, he’s ruining your life.” Dan tries to tell him, but Phil doesn’t want to hear anymore of it.

“Just drop it, Dan!” he snaps. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

“You never want to talk about it!” Dan tells him. “We need to talk about it!”

“No, we don’t!” Phil turns to leave the room because he just can’t deal with any of this anymore, but as he’s leaving, Dan reaches out for his arm - the arm that Leo nearly broke earlier, and Phil jerks it away from him and without being able to stop himself, he exclaims, “Don’t touch me!”

Dan stares at him with wide eyes. “Phil,” he exhales. “Phil, I’m sorry, I’m just trying to help you. You’re hurting and it’s hurting me and everyone around you to see you like this.”

“I’m fine.” Phil says. The words put such a bad taste in his mouth. “Just forget about it and leave me alone.”

“No, I’m tired of you pushing me away.” Dan tells him.

“I’m tired of you being so annoying about this!” Phil snaps. “And this time you’re legitimately being annoying!”

Dan falls silent for a moment. “You don’t mean that.” he says, and Phil can hear it in his voice that he wants to be right about this, that he doesn’t want Phil to actually think he’s annoying. “You’re - you’re just saying that to make me stop”

“No, you’re annoying and you need to stop pushing this.” Phil says as harshly as he can, because if losing Dan means it’ll keep him safe, then that’s what he’ll do. He’d rather Dan hate him than get hurt by Leo.

Dan doesn’t say anything, and Phil isn’t sure what he’s thinking but he knows that it can’t be good. Finally he just utters, “I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

Phil closes his eyes again, a fair few tears escaping down his cheeks once again. “I appreciate you caring,” he tells him. “But you really need to mind your own business.”

“I'm trying to help you.” Dan says desperately, tears welling up in his eyes and Phil isn’t even religious but he’s praying right now that Dan doesn’t start crying. But a tear rolls down his cheek as he says, “You’re my best friend, and you’ve always fixed all of my problems.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Phil asks him.

“Because now you have a problem and I'm trying to help you fix it but you won’t let me.” Dan tells him.

“I’m not a puzzle, Dan.” Phil says, hastily wiping at his cheeks. “You can’t just put me back together.”

“But I can help make it better, I know I can.” Dan says. “You just have to let me help you.”

Phil sighs, and he hates himself as he says to him, “You can help me by minding your own business.”

Dan sniffles, looking down at his feet. Phil can see tears dripping down his cheeks. “So I really am annoying you then?” he asks him.

Phil sniffles, wiping his eyes and he struggles to keep his voice steady as he says, “Yes.”

“On a scale of 1-10 how annoying?” Dan asks him.

“Just drop it already.” Phil says tiredly.

Dan lets out a sarcastic chuckle. “Okay so, that's a ten then.” he mutters.

Phil sighs. “Dan, you know I love you,” he tells him. “But you just need to leave me alone.”

“I get it, I’m annoying.” Dan says bitterly. “I’ll leave you alone. I'm sorry for being so persistent. I guess I’m still the same annoying kid I was when I was eighteen.”

“Well you’re definitely throwing yourself pity parties like you did when you were eighteen.” Phil mutters under his breath.

Dan’s jaw drops slightly and he can’t stop the tears from streaming down his face now because his best friend just confirmed that he’s annoying and that he always has been annoying. And all he wants is to help Phil and be a good friend, but he’s doing neither of those things; he’s just getting on Phil’s nerves now. “Thanks.” he says shortly, trying - and failing - to mask the hurt with anger. “That means a lot.”

“Look, I know I’m being an ass right now,” Phil tells him. “But I’ve been telling you for weeks to just mind your own business, if you would’ve just listened to me we wouldn't be fighting right now.”

“I was just trying to help!” Dan says, throwing his arms up in the air with frustration. “Maybe I’ve been annoying, but everything I’ve done has been with good intention because you’re my best friend and I want you to be happy! And you’re not happy right now, but if taking all of my insecurities and throwing them back in my face makes you feel better then good for you.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Figures you'd say that everything is my fault - you sound just like Leo, twisting my words and making me the bad guy.”

“Wait, what?” Dan asks him, but Phil ignores him and keeps talking.

“Well guess what? I don't want to hear it!” he snaps. “I’m trying to be a good friend but you refuse to listen to me and I don't know what else to do anymore! So if being mean is going to get you to listen to me for once then I'm going to be mean! But don't you dare say that I enjoy it because that's not true and you know it.”

“I don't know, Phil, maybe you do enjoy it!” Dan snaps back. “You seem to be taking after your stupid, manipulative, asshole boyfriend - who by the way you just admitted was manipulative!”

“I didn’t -”

“So be mean to me all you want,” Dan continues, ignoring Phil’s attempts to interrupt. “Make me feel as miserable as Leo makes you feel, but at the end of the day you know that I’m not the problem here.” the two for them fall silent for a moment, the only sound between them are their uneven breathing, a mix of ragged, angry breaths and shuddering, tear filled breaths. “But what does my opinion matter anyway?” Dan asks him, breaking the silence. “You’ve already made your choice and it’s not me.”

“I can't deal with this.” Phil says shaking his head. “Since I’m such a horrible person why don't I just leave.”

“Why don't I leave?” Dan asks. “I'm the annoying one here.”

“No, we don't have any close friends in London and it's late,” Phil says. “And I don't want you traveling right now, so I'll spend the night at Leo's and tomorrow maybe you won’t hate me so much.” Phil turns to leave, but he stops himself when he hears Dan protest again.

“No.” Dan says, shaking his head. “No, I’m the one that made you upset first, so I’ll be the one to go. Besides, I won't get any sleep knowing you’re at the asshole's house.”

“Dan, I'm tired and I don't have the energy to argue with you anymore.” Phil tells him, rubbing his temples, trying to will away the headache he knows is coming on. “I’ll be fine at leo's for one night.”

“No you won’t.” Dan says, and there’s a change in his tone now; not authoritative, but more pleading, almost as if he’s begging Phil not to go over to Leo’s house. “I’m not letting you go over there, Phil.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” Phil mumbles, and he’s well aware of his childish he sounds right now but he doesn’t care; he’s tired, he’s tired of fighting with Dan, he’s tired of having to be mean to Dan. He’s just tired.

“Please, Phil,” Dan pleads. “Don't go over there.”

Phil sighs heavily. “Well you don’t want me here, and I don't want you going out and trying to find a place to stay at this hour, so what do you think we should do?” he asks. “Shall I sleep on the stairs?”

“Phil, I will literally do anything to make you stay here and not go to his house.” Dan tells him.

“What do you think is going to happen if I stay there?” Phil asks, except he knows. He knows exactly what could happen to him if he goes over to Leo’s and it terrifies him to think about what could happen if he goes over to Leo’s house - but Dan doesn’t want him here and he can’t stay where he isn’t wanted.

“I don’t know Phil.” Dan says. “All I know is that I don’t like Leo, and you’re depressed, and I saw a bruise on your arm, and I just don’t want you alone with him.”

“Wait.” Phil’s heart nearly stops. “You saw what on my arm?”

Dan sighs. “I saw a bruise on your wrist okay.” he says. “I don't know if it’s from you and Leo getting real kinky with sex or something else, but I saw it and I don’t like it.”

Phil’s heart is pounding hard and fast in his chest and he breaks out in a nervous sweat. “You didn't tell him you saw it did you?” he asks.

Dan eyes him suspiciously. “No…”

“Please, never tell him about it.” Phil tells him. “Just trust me on this one.”

“Phil I’m not going to tell him.” Dan tells him.

Phil exhales a sigh of relief. “Good.” he says. “Thank you.”

Dan pauses for a moment.“Please don't go over there.” he finally says. “Please. I don't know what’s going on, but I don't like it. I know I’m annoying and invasive but I’ll leave, okay. I’ll book a hotel room for the night, I don't care, just stay here and stay away from him.”

“I don't want you to go.” Phil tells him, because he really doesn’t. This is Dan’s house too and he doesn’t want to throw him out just because they’ve had an argument - especially after he was so horrible to him.

“If I stay, then you stay too.” Dan replies.

Phil hesitates. “You actually want me to stay?” he asks shyly.

Dan nods. “Yes.”

Phil falls silent for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of the situation and finally he just says, ““Fine, I guess I’ll stay.”

Dan lets out a sigh of relief, and for a while neither of them say anything. “You don't have to tell me what’s wrong,” he says, breaking the silence. “But please break up with Leo.”

Phil can feel tears rolling down his cheeks once again. “It’s not that easy.” he says quietly.

“You have to,” Dan pleads with him. “Please Phil.”

Phil just shakes his head in despair. “I don't think Leo would take that very well.” he tells Dan.

“Then I’ll be there when you do,” Dan says, reaching out to place a comforting hand on Phil’s shoulder - the uninjured one. “He won't do anything while I’m there.”

Phil wishes he hadn’t started crying again because he would laugh if he could right now; instead it just comes out as a choked sob and he brings his hand up to cover his face. “No,” he says, his voice muffled by his palm. “I don't want to bring you into our problems…” he pauses for a second, taking a second to compose himself before he looks at Dan again. “Look, I’ll find a way to deal with it and I’ll figure something out.” he tells him.

Dan gently pulls Phil into a hug and he rests his chin on the older boy’s shoulder, his other hand wrapping around his body and going to rub his back soothingly. “I love you, just remember that.” he tells him. “And I’m your best friend, and I will always be there for you even when you’re being a dick, okay?”

Phil chokes back another sob. “You shouldn't be my friend anymore.” he tells Dan, burying his face against Dan’s shoulder. “I’m the worst.”

“You’re not,” Dan tells him.

“I made you cry!” he wails, nearing hysterics as tears roll down his face and seep into Dan’s shirt.

“Shh, calm down, it’s alright.” Dan murmurs to him, turning his head to the side to press a kiss to his temple. “You're not the worst. you're the best.” Dan insists. “And I’ll always be your friend no matter what you say or do.” he gives him a tight squeeze, and tells him, “It’s okay, I love you and everything will work out.” and Phil just nods in response. He really hopes that Dan is right about this.

* * *

Dan and Phil lie together in his bed, Dan’s arms wrapped around Phil’s waist and he holds him close, their bodies curved together, fitting together like two pieces in a puzzle. “I love you,” Dan murmurs to him, bringing his hand up to toy with Phil’s hair lightly. “I’ll always love you, and I’m always going to be your friend.”

“I love you too, Dan,” Phil says to him, his voice soft. “And I’ll always be your friend, okay? No matter what.”

Dan exhales slowly. “Do you promise?”

Phil slowly rolls over so he’s facing Dan and he tells him, “Of course, I promise.” he pauses for a moment, then asks him, “Why? Do you still think I’d ever choose Leo over you, because I swear Dan, that’s never going to happen.”

“No, I know, it’s just…” Dan reaches out to brush Phil’s hair back, and he sighs. “When I was talking to Leo, he said some things and I know it’s all lies but-”

“Well, what’d he say?” Phil cuts in.

“Just stuff that he knew would get to me.” Dan tells him, trying to keep his tone nonchalant. “He told me that you talked about me behind my back and said I was annoying - stupid stuff like that.”

“It is stupid, and it’s definitely not true” Phil says, sitting up angrily. “Don’t believe a word he said to you, okay? I’d never say anything like that. You know I love you, Dan.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dan says, and he kisses Phil’s forehead to calm him down. Phil lies back down and Dan wraps his arms around him once more, holding him tight against him. “Leo’s creepy though,” Dan tells him. “Like, he says some creepy things sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks, craning his neck to look at Dan effectively.

“Well, he was talking to me about if one of us were to exit the picture,” Dan explains. “It would be me because he’s here to stay, and I said ‘over my dead body’ and then he said, ‘that can be arranged’ like a fucking French creep.”

Phil’s eyes go wide. “Wait, wait, he said what to you?” he asks, almost breathlessly.

“I told him ‘over my dead body’ and he said, ‘that can be arranged’.” Dan repeats, and then shakes his head. “Honestly Phil, I know you want me to be happy for you but I can’t be; that guy is creepy and I don’t trust him.”

“I can’t believe he said that to you.” Phil says. His mouth goes dry, his chest tight, and he can barely choke out the words. His heart is hammering hard in his chest and his mind is racing at top speed - he can’t thinking clearly but all his thoughts are revolving around Dan and Leo.

“Well, don’t worry about it.” Dan reassures him, rubbing his arms comfortingly. “It’s not like he’s actually going to do anything to me.

Phil wishes he could believe Dan, but he knows he’s wrong - Dan has no idea how wrong he is. He knows what Leo is capable of and he doesn’t even want to think about the possibility of Leo hurting Dan, but now he knows that it could actually happen. Leo could hurt Dan, and it’d be all his fault.

As he lies in Dan’s arms, trying to drift off to sleep and shut his mind up, he decides that this is it. He’s going to break up with Leo. For good now.

* * *

The days turn to weeks and finally, Phil’s ready to break up with Leo.

It’s for the best, he knows it, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. But he stays strong, he tells himself he can do this, he reminds himself that no matter how angry Leo gets with him, it’ll be worth it. He rings him and asks him if he can come over so they can talk, and when they end their call, he asks Dan if he can leave for a little while so they can break up in private.

“I don’t know, Phil,” Dan says anxiously. “I don’t think I want you two left alone - I don’t trust Leo. And besides, I want to see that little shit’s face when you tell him it’s over.”

Phil smiles a little. “You know, it’s not nice to take joy from someone else’s suffering.” he tells him. “Besides, if all goes well, it’ll be like ripping off plaster - painful, but quick.”

“But you did say that Leo wouldn’t take well to you two breaking up.” Dan points out.

“I know,” Phil admits. “But I’m sure nothing is going to happen.”

“I don’t know.” Dan says again.

“Just trust me, Dan.” Phil tells him. “It’s all going to be just fine.” Truth be told, Phil should’ve just let Dan stick around while the break up happened, but at the same time it’d be better if Dan wasn’t around for it. For one, he’s not so sure anymore that Leo wouldn’t do anything too violent with Dan around. And for two, he doesn’t trust that Leo wouldn’t hurt Dan, and that’s not something he wants to happen. This is between him and Leo, and if he can keep Dan out of it, then he’s sure that things won’t be as bad as they could be. “This whole ordeal will go much smoother if you aren’t around to gloat.” he adds.

“I won’t gloat.” Dan insists.

Phil raises an eyebrow. “Dan…”

“I won’t gloat much.” Dan tries.

Phil smiles a little. “Trust me,” he repeats. “Everything will be fine.”

Eventually, he does get Dan to vacate the flat, and he decides instead of anxiously waiting around for Leo, that instead he’ll get together all of Leo’s things ready to give back to him. He grabs a box, then heads to his room to get together all of Leo’s things - no point in him staying any longer than he needs to - and he starts rifling around his room in search of anything that was once Leo’s, anything that Leo had bought for him, anything that Leo had accidentally left or let him borrow - basically, anything with Leo’s scent on it.

He tries to get it all together as quickly as he can because he doesn’t want to dwell on any of it, but every so often he’ll stop. And he’ll look at whatever’s in his hands, and he’ll be thrown back into a well of emotion and he’s drowning in the good memories he and Leo had - even if they were brief. He finds one of Leo’s sweaters that he let him borrow because they were out walking and it had started to rain, and he finds a stuffed animal that he had gotten for him for their one month anniversary, and he before he can stop himself he starts reconsidering breaking up with Leo. Maybe he should give Leo another chance; their relationship wasn’t always horrible and he thinks that Leo really did love him at some point, but maybe he just got stuck.

He stops himself, and his mind goes back to what Leo said to Dan, when Leo threatened him. And his mind goes back to all of the horrible things Leo’s said to him, and then he realizes that even if Leo did love him at some point, he doesn’t love him now. And aside from the fact that Leo is abusive towards him in more than one way, Phil can’t stay with someone who doesn’t love him.

He quickly finishes putting all of Leo’s things together, and then he hauls the box out into the lounge, where he waits for Leo. It’s not for very long, but it feels like a lifetime, and anxiety rips at Phil’s chest but he keeps reminding himself that everything is going to be okay. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a second, then exhales slowly and while it doesn’t necessarily ease the tension he feels in his chest, it does help him feel better - slightly.

Finally, he hears the front door being opened, and he tenses up hearing Leo walking up to him. When he sees Leo, his blood runs cold and no longer does he feel the fluttering wings of a thousand butterflies flying around in his stomach when he sees him; he just feels dread. He feels afraid. He feels angry.

“Hello, mon cher.” Leo walks up to him, attempting to kiss him, but Phil takes a step away from him. His foot bangs against the box of Leo’s things and Leo glances down at it before looking at Phil. “What’s going on? What is this?” he asks him.

“Those are you things…” Phil tells him. “Uh, minus the vase you made me, but I couldn’t fit that in the box.” he motions to the handmade stained glass that Leo had made for him early on in their relationship resting on the end table by the couch. Phil takes a deep breath. “It’s everything you’ve ever given me over the past few months, and I want you to have it back.”

“Why?” Leo asks slowly, as if he’s trying to process what’s going on.

“Because I’m done Leo.” Phil tells him, and saying it feels like the biggest weight being lifted off of him and he feels so much lighter now. “I’m done with you, and I’m done with this.”

“Wait, why?” Leo doesn’t react with anger like Phil had expected him to; he sounds genuinely confused now. “What did I do?”

“You know what you did, okay.” Phil tells him. He’s not going to let Leo push him around anymore. “You know what you’ve been doing to me. And if you think that I’m just going to sit back for another ten months and let you abuse me, you’re mistaken.” Phil’s voice shakes as he speaks, probably because he’s shaking so much right now, but for once, he doesn’t feel afraid. He needs to say all of this, Leo needs to hear him say all of his and more importantly, he needs to hear himself say this. For months, for the past ten months, he had been making excuses for Leo and he had been blaming himself. But he knows now that it wasn’t his fault, that he can’t keep making excuses for Leo. He knows now that he deserves more than what he’s been getting.

Leo lets out a nervous laugh. “...I don’t abuse you, Phil.”

Phil’s eyes go wide. “You’re joking right?” he asks him. “You’ve hit me and punched me and kicked me. You’ve pushed me down the steps, and nearly broken my arm - you choked me for God’s sake! You literally had your hands around my neck and choked me, and you’re going to try and tell me that you don’t abuse me?” he’s yelling by the time he finishes saying all of his, his chest heaving as he tries to calm himself down but he can’t. For the first time in months, he’s angry. He’s feeling.

“You’re overreacting Phil.” Leo says dismissively.

“And you know what? A few days ago, I would’ve believed you, and I would’ve listened to you, and I would’ve second guessed myself and let you continue to talk to me this way,” Phil tells him. “But I’m not going to anymore. And I want to break up.”

“No you don’t.” Leo says.

“Yes, I do.” Phil says back immediately, his voice no longer shaking.

Phil-”

“Stop, okay!” Phil interrupts him. “Stop trying to manipulate me for once because it’s not going to work this time! I know what I want, and I don’t want you. So, get your things and get out of my house.”

“Where is this even coming from, Phil?” Leo asks him, and though he still sounds confused, Phil can sense that he’s getting angry with him, but Phil’s afraid. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Because I can’t keep doing this!” Phil exclaims. “Do you even understand how exhausting it is just to be with you? I’ve had to lie to everyone I love for months, and what’s even worse is that I started to believe my lies. I started to believe that everything was going to be okay and that you were going to change. I started to believe that you actually love me!”

“I do love you Phil!” Leo insists.

“Then why were you hurting me so much?” Phil shouts at him.

“Because you don’t listen!” Leo shouts back. “Maybe if you stopped being so selfish and stupid-”

“See, you’re doing it again!” Phil cuts in. “You’re trying to make everything my fault and it’s not my fault, it’s yours!” he pauses for a second, reminding himself that shouting isn’t going to solve their problems and that he’s better than that; he’s better than Leo. “You need help, Leo.” he tells him.

“I don’t need help, I need you Phil.” Leo tries to tell him.

“Well, I don’t need you.” Phil says simply.

“What are you trying to say?” Leo asks. “You don’t love me anymore?”

Phil exhales something that sounds like a bitter laugh. “I wish I didn’t love you anymore but that’s the awful part - I do love you!” he says. “But I can’t keep loving you, Leo - but I can’t do it anymore! I won’t do it anymore.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Leo demands.

“It means grab your shit and get out of my apartment, and out of my life.” Phil says. He doesn’t wait for Leo to grab the box of his things; he does it for him. And he goes to hand it all to him, but Leo just takes the box and throws it onto the ground.

“You think you can just get rid of me?” Leo yells at him, but Phil doesn’t flinch. “You think you’re going to be anything without me? You’re nothing, Phil! You have nothing - you have no one without me! Who’s going to love you the way that I loved you? Who’s going to love you now?”

Phil stares right into Leo’s eyes, the eyes he once found himself falling for but now he has no desire to look at for a second longer. And he says simply, “Me.”

Phil turns his back to Leo to pick up his box of things once more, when he feels something hit him in the back of the head - something hard and sharp and… wooden? He can’t piece together what actually did hit him, as the shock of being hit, combined with the force of being hit, causes him to fall to the ground as he cries out in pain. He sees stars for a second, his vision going black then blurry, and he falls to the floor, bringing his hand up to feel the back of his head where he was hit. His fingers are wet and sticky, and he brings them forward to look at his fingertips, now coated with blood.

Shakily, he gets up to his feet and he turns around, seeing Leo holding one of their Marvel posters that was once hanging on their wall. His knuckles are white with how tightly he’s gripping it. “Leo,” Phil says slowly. “Put the picture down.”

“We aren’t breaking up Phil,” Leo says with wide eyes.. He sounds like he’s gone mad now.

“Yes we are.” Phil says as calmly as he can. “Leo, it’s over.”

“No!” Leo screams at him, and Phil flinches.

“L - Leo, just calm down okay.” Phil tells him. “If you don’t calm down, I’m going to call the police.”

Leo laughs bitterly. “Do you really think you can get rid of me that easily, Phil?” he asks him.

“Leo,” Phil starts to reach for his phone. “Please just calm -” he doesn’t finish his statement, as Leo asks the Marvel poster and hits Phil across the face with it. The sharp corner of the frame cuts his cheek and Phil stumbles, only to fall to the floor when Leo takes the picture and hits him in the back with it, effectively knocking him to the floor.

The picture breaks in half as Leo hit Phil with it as hard as he could, and he throws the half he’s holding at the wall, the takes Phil’s cell phone, dropping it on the ground and he steps on it, breaking it. “I told you - you aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” he tells Phil.

Phil rolls over onto his back and forces himself to sit up, ignoring the blood on his cheek and on the back of his head. “Leo, please,” he says breathlessly. “Just calm down, we can talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore, Phil! You never listen!” Leo screams at him, reaching down and grabbing Phil by the front of his shirt, yanking him up to his feet. “You don’t fucking listen!” he shakes Phil a little and says, “You know how angry it makes me when you don’t listen to me.”

Phil works off of pure adrenaline and he uses all of his strength to push Leo off of him. He shoves him as hard as he can, and surprisingly it works and Leo stumbles backwards, releasing his grasp on Phil. Phil takes that as his chance to make a break for it, and he turns to run, ready to head out of the flat and phone for help - but Leo’s too fast for him. He grabs his arm and he twists it and Phil gets deja vu to the last time this happened, but unlike last time, Leo doesn’t let go and he twists his arm, ignoring Phil’s screams of pain.

Phil is sure his arm is broken as Leo continues to twist it, and then Leo throws him down to the floor, where Phil lands on his shoulder - the one that Leo nearly popped out of place - and he screams in pain, rolling over so he puts no pressure on it. He lies on his back, but he knows he can’t just lie there. He tries to push himself up but Leo kicks him in the chest, and he kicks him hard. Phil falls back down, and Leo goes to kick him in the stomach. And he kicks him again, and again, harder and harder each time.

“Stop it!” Phil shrieks. He can hear an audible crack in his ribs as Leo continues to kick him and he cries out, “Stop, you’re hurting me!” Leo ignores him, and Phil isn’t sure how much longer he’s going to last. Using his last bit of strength, Phil shouts to him, “I thought you loved me, Leo!”

Leo’s eyes are dark, almost inhuman. “I do love you, Phil.” he tells him, and then he reaches for the vase he made for him and holds it in his hands for a moment. He eyes the vase for a moment, before turning to look at Phil and he says, “But if I can’t have you Phil, then no one can.”

Phil’s eyes go wide; he knows what’s going to happen next. Quickly, he brings his arm up, the one that’s not broken, to cover his face just as Leo brings the vase down and hits him over the head with it. Shards of glass cut into his arms and a bit on his face as well, and god does it hurt. TV makes it seem like getting hit over the head with a vase doesn’t feel like anything - but it fucking hurts. Phil can feel his vision going, patches of black blurring the scene before him, and he lies there with glass in his arms and blood everywhere, he can’t help but to think that this is it. That this is how he’s going to die.

* * *

Dan checks the time on his phone; he’s been out long enough he decides, and Phil isn’t answering any of his texts, which is undoubtedly making him nervous. He quickly hails a cab, and gets back home as quickly as he can, trying to shut his mind up because he doesn’t want to believe that anything's wrong with Phil.

He makes it back home and lets himself inside and he calls out, “Phil?” and he receives no answer. “Phil?” he walks upstairs to the lounge and nothing could’ve prepared him for what he walks in on.

He sees Phil, lying on the floor practically in a pool of blood -his blood - and he sees Leo, kicking him, screaming at him. Dan feels his vision going red and he storms over to Leo, pulling him off of Phil and with every bit of strength that he has, he punches Leo in the face. There’s a slight throb in his hand as he does so, but he almost doesn’t feel the pain, nor does he dwell on it.

Leo falls to the ground, all but unconscious now, and Dan rushes to Phil’s side. “Phil?” there’s so much blood and Dan can’t tell where it’s all coming from - his arms, his face, his head, it’s all bleeding. Dan’s heart races as he reaches for one of their throw pillows and he presses it against the back of Phil’s head. Phil hisses in pain, and Dan tells him, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” as he gently eases his head into his lap. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” he repeats to him over and over again.

“Hurts.” Phil mumbles, his face contorted in pain. “Dan it hurts.”

“I know, Phil, I know.” Dan says. He feels breathless, lightheaded. “Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you. It’s going to be okay.” he uses his free hand to dial 999, and he waits impatiently for someone to answer, murmuring soothing words to Phil as he waits. “Don’t worry, Phil. It’s going to be okay - yes? Hello?” Dan wants to exhale a sigh of relief when an operator finally picks up his call. “I - I need an ambulance right away. My best friend got into a fight with his boyfriend, and there’s blood and glass everywhere, and just please send someone here right away, please!” Dan gasps into the phone, struggling to keep his breathing steady and even, but he can’t. Phil’s lying in his lap, bleeding and beaten, and Dan wasn’t home to stop this from happening.

He tells the operator their address, and then hands up his phone, his full attention on Phil, who he notices is started to drift unconscious. “No, no, Phil you’ve got to stay awake!” he says, panicked. “Please, please just stay awake!” tears roll down his cheeks as he tells him, “You can’t leave me Phil, don’t leave me.”

He looks up and out the window, he can see flashing lights and he can hear the siren of the ambulance as it races down the street, heading to their flat. And he looks down at Phil and he hopes that it’s not too late.

* * *

to be continued.

Chapter Text

“And how odd is it,
to be haunted by someone.”
that is still alive.”

- I Guess the Old You is a Ghost (#589: June 25, 2014)

* * *

Dan watches as Phil is placed onto a stretcher, the EMTs yelling out all kinds of hospital terms that he’s only heard on General Hospital, and he doesn’t know what’s going on or if Phil’s going to be okay, but there’s nothing he can do. All he can do is stand off to the side and watch the scene unfold before him.

“So when you walked into the room,” the police officer before him asks him, trying to get Dan to focus on the police report. “What exactly was going on?”

“I already told you,” Dan says, exasperated. “I walked in and I saw Phil lying on the floor covered in glass and blood, and I saw Leo - his boyfriend - kicking him. Then I punched Leo so he’d stop hurting Phil, and I called 999.”

“You did the right thing, son,” the officer tells him, but it doesn’t make Dan feel any better. He should’ve been there tonight, he should’ve stopped this from happening.

“Is he going to be okay?” Dan asks the officer, not taking his eyes off of Phil as he’s loaded into the back of the ambulance.

“Hard to say,” the officer says honestly, but it’s not the answer that Dan wanted to hear. “Your friend is in pretty bad shape right now. But he’s in good hands and he’s going to be very well taken care of.”

Dan just nods, only half listening now, and he rushes over to the ambulance - wanting to ask if he can ride with Phil to the hospital - when the EMTs shut the doors and it takes off, lights flashing and siren blaring as they head towards the hospital.

Dan stands there, feeling like he’s just been punched in the stomach. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, but at the same time, his mind is racing at top speed and there’s so many thoughts and feelings that he can’t even comprehend right now. It takes him a moment to snap out of his daze, and when he does, he flags down a cab and rushes inside the first one that stops for him, telling the driver the hospital that Phil is going to be at and to go as quickly as he can.

He sits in the backseat, jittery and panicked, and he knows he isn’t going to be okay if he has to go through this alone. With trembling hands, he grabs his cell phone from his pocket, ignoring his bloodstained hands - stained with Phil’s blood - and he dials the first person he thinks of.

He hears a click after two rings and he can’t stop the sob that escapes his lips as he says, “Louise? It’s Dan.”

* * *

“Chummy!” Zoe whines, dropping down onto Louise’s couch. “We aren’t watching The Notebook again - we’ve seen it twice already!”

“What do you have against Ryan Gosling?” Louise demands, placing a bowl of popcorn down on her coffee table and going to sit next to Zoe.

“We’ve already watched it two times this week!” Zoe stresses.

“What’s wrong with -” Louise stops herself when she notices her phone ringing, and her eyebrows knit together. “Oh, it’s Dan.” she says. “Weird, he doesn’t usually call me.” she answers the phone. “Hello? Oh, hey, what’s -” she falls silent for a second, her eyes going wide. “D - Dan, Dan, calm down okay. Who’s in the hospital?”

Zoe’s eyes widen. “What’s wrong?”

Louise puts the call on speakerphone, Dan’s loud sobs and uneven breathing filling the air, startling both girls. “Dan, just tell me what’s happened okay?” she says.

“I - I’m on my way to - to the hospital.” Dan chokes out through his tears.

Louise is instantly up to her feet, rushing about her living room to get her shoes and her car keys, ready to rush to the hospital if need be. “Are you okay?” she asks him.

“I’m fine, it’s Ph - Phil.” Dan tells them and that’s all he can get out before he starts crying harder.

“It’s fine, it’ll be alright, Dan.” she tells him, picking up her phone once she has her shoes on and her car keys in hand. “Just stay calm, I’ll meet you at the hospital, alright?” Dan tells her the hospital Phil’s going to, and Louise hangs up the call.

“Do you think Leo had anything to do with this?” Zoe asks.

“I hope not.” Louise says, grabbing her purse.

“I’m coming with you.” Zoe says, and Louise says, “Right.” and Zoe grabs her shoes as well, following Louise to the front door when they both stop abruptly. “Wait, what about Darcy?” Louise asks.

“Shit - okay, I’ll stay here with Darcy.” Zoe tells her. “And when Matt gets off of work, I’ll come to the hospital.”

“Right, right, okay.” Louise says, clearly a bit frazzled by all of this right now, and Zoe pulls her in for a hug.

“Keep me updated, please” she tells her, and Louise says, “Of course.” and she rushes out of her house, getting in her car and she makes the long drive to the hospital, praying she doesn’t get pulled over along the way.

* * *

Louise makes it to the hospital in what she would think is record time - and without getting a ticket - and when she bursts in through the doors, she looks around frantically for a second before finding Dan in the waiting room. He’s sat in a chair, knees drawn up to his chest and hands pressed to his face, and she can hear him choking back sobs. She rushes over to him, but stops in her tracks as she gets closer and sees the blood on his hands and the front of his shirt. Her heart nearly stops at the sight and she doesn’t know what to make of the situation, but he looks so little and so broken that she can’t help but to go over to him and scoop him up in her arms, hugging him tightly - and she doesn’t even like hugs. Dan’s startled at first, but he returns the hug almost immediately and he buries his face against her shoulder and sobs. She whispers to him, “It’s okay, it’s fine.” and she holds him tightly while he cries.

It takes Dan a couple of minutes to actually calm down and when he does, Louise says “Okay, tell me what's happened. What's going on?”

Dan takes a deep breath, grasping the collar of his shirt and bringing it up to wipe his eyes as he tells her, “I came home, and I think that L - Leo and Phil had gotten into a fight.” he chokes back another sob. “And when I got there, Leo was kicking Phil and screaming at him, and Ph - Phil was just - just lying there, and there was so much blood everywhere.”

“Oh my god.” Louise exhales, covering her mouth with her hand in shock.

Dan sniffles. “I couldn’t ride in the ambulance, and by the time I got here Phil was already in surgery - I don’t even know what he’s in surgery for though - and I haven’t heard any updates on him, and I just want to know if he’s okay.” his voice cracks by the end and he wipes his eyes with his shirt again.

“Okay, okay, it’s going to be fine.” Louise tells him, taking control of the situation. “We’re going to find out what’s going on with Phil.”

“How?” Dan asks her. He sounds so small, like a little, frightened kid.

“Just trust me.” Louise says, and she looks around for a moment, before she motions for Dan to follow her and she flags down the first doctor she sees. “Hi, sorry to bother you,” she starts. “But we have a friend who was admitted, but we haven’t heard if he’s okay or anything.”

“What’s the patient’s name?” the doctor asks.

“Phil Lester.” Louise replies.

“Well, he isn’t my patient, but I can help you find some information on him.” the doctor turns towards the receptionist desk, Louise and Dan following him, and approaching the desk, he asks, “Request for updates on Phil Lester.”

The receptionist clicks away at her computer for a moment, and she says, “As of right now, we can only tell you what you probably already know. Phil Lester is a victim of a domestic dispute and he’s currently in the ER getting glass removed from his arm. His arm is broken in two places and he’s scheduled to have surgery to repair the damage.”

“Is that all?” Louise asks, her face pale.

The receptionist looks at her screen once more. “He’s lost a lot of blood,” she tells them. “So he’s scheduled for a blood transfusion as well. But if all goes well tonight, he should be just fine.”

Both Louise and Dan exhale a sigh of relief, and Louise utters. “Thank God.” before thanking both the receptionist and the doctor, and she and Dan make their way back to the waiting room. “He’s going to be fine.” Louise repeats to Dan as the two of them sit down.

“Fine.” Dan repeats. “He’s going to be fine.”

Louise nods. “Why don’t you try and get cleaned up a bit while we wait?” she suggests.

Dan looks down at his bloodstained fingers, as if noticing them for the first time, and he nods in agreement, muttering, “Yeah, okay.” and then he gets up to his feet, heading towards the men’s washroom.

While he’s gone, Louise takes her cell phone out and rings Zoe. She answers on the first ring and Louise asks, “Good news or bad news first?”

“Bad.” Zoe says.

“Bad news is this incident has Leo written all over it.” Louise tells her.

Zoe sighs. “I knew it.” she says softly. “I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it,”

“Me too.” Louise tells her. “But the good news is Phil is going to be okay. He’s in surgery right now, but he’s going to be okay.”

“Oh, thank God.” Zoe sighs. “I’m still coming over later though - Matt rang and said he’ll try and make it home as quickly as he can.”

“Okay.” Louise says. “Oh, before you do, can you stop by Dan and Phil’s flat and pick up a clean shirt for Dan, and some sweatpants and a shirt for Phil, please?”

“Of course.” Zoe says. She tells Zoe that Darcy is just fine right now and the house is still in one piece, before the two of them end their call.

As Louise is hanging up, Dan re-enters the waiting room and he sits down next to Louise, leaning his head to rest it on her shoulder. She brings her hand up to cup his cheek and she can feel the tears rolling down his face. “It’s alright, Dan.” she tells him.

“It’s not alright.” Dan says. “This is all my fault. I knew something was wrong, I knew something wasn’t right with Leo. And I didn’t do anything about it.”

“Dan, this isn’t your fault.” Louise tells him. “You tried, okay. You tried so hard to get to the bottom of things, and you can’t blame yourself for this. Phil wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for this.”

Dan sniffles. “He isn’t dead Louise, you don’t have to talk about him like he is.”

“You know what I mean though.” Louise replies. “He’s going to have a hard enough time blaming himself for all of this, he’s not going to want you blaming yourself as well.”

“I just…” Dan sighs heavily, pinching his eyes shut as tears roll down his cheeks. “My best friend is in the hospital because I couldn’t keep him safe from that… monster. I mean, I told him everything was going to be okay before I even knew what was going on, and now he’s in the hospital.”

“Everything is okay though.” Louise tells him soothingly. “He’s away from Leo, and he’s safe now. I know you wanted to be his knight in shining armor and save him from the dragon, and even though it doesn’t feel like it, in a way you were.”

“How?” Dan asks.

She gently nudges Dan so he’s sitting up and she turns to face him, “You literally saved him from the dragon.” she tells him. “I don’t know how you got Leo away from him, but you did. And yes, Phil’s in the hospital now, but he’s going to be okay and it’s all because of you.”

Dan sniffles again, and Louise reaches out for him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into an semi-awkward hug, as the two of them are seated in chairs, and Dan rests his head on Louise’s shoulder, tears rolling down his cheeks and he tells her, “Thank you for being here today.”

“That’s okay.” Louise tells him, rubbing his back.

“No, really thank you.” Dan tells her, pulling away from her to wipe his face free of tears. “You drove all the way to the hospital for me and Phil - you hate driving, Louise.”

“Well, I love you and Phil more than I hate driving, if that makes sense.” Louise tells him. “And if there’s anything I hate more than driving now, it’s Leo.”

Dan groans a little. “I knew I hated him for a reason.” he says. “And you know what? I do not regret punching that asshole.”

Louise’s eyes go wide. “You punched him?” she asks.

Dan nods. “I’ve never even punched anymore before. I don’t know what came over me - well that’s a lie; when I saw him hurting Phil, I just... I snapped. I don’t even know where I punched him, honestly. I think I blacked out for a second because the next thing I knew, he was on the ground and my hand was hurting.”

“Wait,” Louise stops him. “You said your hand was hurting?” when Dan nods, she reaches out for his hand, and he hisses in pain when she grabs it, retracting it back almost immediately. “Dan, I think you’ve broken your hand.” Louise tells him, obviously trying not to laugh because the situation is not funny - but the fact that the first time Dan has ever punched somebody, he manages to break his hand. Typical Dan.

“Oh.” is all Dan says, and he looks down at his hand as if he’s just noticing for the first time that his fingers are a bit bent in a way that they shouldn’t be. “Oh, yeah, that doesn’t look quite right. I’m sure it’s nothing serious though -”

“Nope, we aren’t just going to sit around with your broken hand while we’re in a hospital.” Louise cuts in. “C’mon, let’s see if we can get you checked out.” Dan sighs heavily, but complies, and he follows Louise to the receptionist desk where she asks if Dan can see a doctor for his hand. They wait a few more minutes before a doctor is available to see Dan.

While Dan gets his hand fixed up, Louise stands out in the hall and rings Matt. “Boldy!” she greets him with an old nickname when he answers.

“Hey, how are you? How’re Dan and Phil?” he asks her, and she assumes by now Zoe’s told him the full details of the situation at hand.

“I’m fine, Dan’s hand is broken and he’s getting it fixed up right now, and Phil’s still in surgery,” she tells him. “But we think he’s going to be okay, so just keep your fingers crossed for him.”

“Course,” Matt says.

“I probably won’t be home until later - maybe not even until tomorrow, to be honest.” she tells him. “I just want to stick around until I know for sure that Phil is okay, plus I don’t want Dan to be on his own -”

“No, no, I understand.” Matt cuts in. “It’s fine, Lou.” Louise sighs, thanking the heavens above that she was blessed with such an understanding and caring man in her life. “By the way, Zoe’s on her way to the hospital.” he tells her. “She left a few minutes ago, said something about stopping by Dan and Phil’s place beforehand though.”

“Right, okay.” she says, and then sighs again, heavily, and she closes her eyes and leans her head back, resting it on the cold brick wall behind her.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Lou?” Matt asks her - figures after being together for almost ten years he can read her like a book.

“Just been a stressful evening,” she tells him. “I’ll be fine though, and I’ll be texting you, so keep your phone on and in your hand at all times.”

Matt chuckles a little. “Of course.” he tells her. They chat for a few more minutes, mostly talking about Darcy, before they end their call, telling each other “I love you” before Louise hangs up her phone and goes to check up on Dan.

It doesn’t take long for Dan’s hand to be patched up, and when it’s finished, they wind up back in the waiting room, doing the only thing they can do: wait. From what they know, Phil had to get glass removed from his arms and who knows where else, before they could repair the damage done to his broken bones. And since neither of them know how long all of that will take, they’re simply reduced to waiting and drinking hospital cafeteria hospital - which is a bit shit, to be honest.

Zoe joins them a little while later, and after catching her up to speed and informing her why Dan’s hand is plastered up, she gives Dan a hug and the three of them sit and wait for someone to tell them that Phil is okay.

* * *

Waiting is the worst of all of it, and Dan goes from “slightly, kind of okay” (as Louise describes it) to “completely unable to cope” (again, as Louise describes it), and he’s up to his feet, pacing around the waiting room and constantly checking the time. Zoe and Louise take turns getting up and ushering him back down to his seat, and they both give him cuddles and remind him that everything will be okay. Zoe tracks down one of the hospital vending machines and spends way too much money buying junk foods for the three of them, because none of them have eaten all night, and they sit together, eating crisps and sweets while Zoe and Louise remind Dan that none of this is his fault and that Phil is going to be okay. They tell him over and over that Phil is going to be okay, and Dan’s more than okay with hearing it.

Just when the wait gets to be a bit unbearable, not just for Dan but for Zoe and Louise as well who are all but dying to know how Phil is, a doctor comes out and utters the name, “Phil Lester” and the three of them scramble to their feet faster than they’ve ever moved before.

“Did you say Phil Lester?” Dan asks as the three of them rush up to the doctor.

“Yes, are you family of the patient?” he asks them.

Both Dan and Zoe mumble, “Yes,” and Louise blurts out, “I’m his mum!” which earns her a suspicious look from the doctor, but Dan just asks, “How is he? Is he alright?”

“He has a concussion and a broken arm, but everything went well and he is going to be just fine.” he tells the three of them, and they all exhale sighs of relief. “He’s asleep right now,” he says. “He’s been given morphine to help with the pain as well as something to help him sleep, so he’s going to be out for a good couple of hours. But the surgery and the transfusion went well, and he’s going to be fine. Your friend is very lucky,” the doctor adds, and he turns to Dan as he tells him, “If you hadn’t shown up when you did, we could’ve lost him.”

“Was it really that bad?” Zoe asks him.

Phil’s doctor looks at his chart. “The main concern was the amount of blood he’s lost,” he tells them. “And we couldn’t operate until the glass had been removed from his arms, so there were a few complications. If we didn’t get to him when we did, this could’ve been a much more serious situation.”

“Is there anything else we need to be aware of?” Louise asks.

“Just that he’s going to be in pain for the next three to six weeks, as his ribs are broken and truth be told there isn’t much we can do for the situation,” the doctor explains. “And his arm is going to take a month, give or take a week or two, to heal as well. Aside from that, however, he’s going to be just fine.”

“Can we see him?” Dan asks eagerly. The doctor says yes and gives them his room number, and the three of them rush to the elevators to head up to Phil’s floor. Then all but run down the halls, ignoring the glares from the orderlies they rush past as well, and they find Phil’s room as quickly as they can - Zoe ends up locating it first and she exclaims, “Here it is!” and Dan bolts to it, opening the door and rushing inside.

Like his doctor said, Phil is lying fast asleep in his bed, his heart monitor beating stealthily as his chest rises and falls. He looks so small under the hospital sheets, so frail, and Dan just wants to wrap him up in his duvet and hold him in his arms and not let anything bad ever happen to him. And the worst of it all is that Phil just looks so broken right now. Despite the lack of light in his room, they can see plaster on his cheek, bandages wrapped around his head, and a cast on his arms, and the sight alone is enough for Dan to start crying once more.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry,” Zoe rubs his back soothingly. “Look, he’s fine.”

“He’s not fine.” Dan says, wiping his eyes. “He’s -”

“He’s fine.” Louise tells him. “He may be a bit broken right now, but he’ll heal and he’s going to be fine, Dan.”

Dan nods and wipes his eyes again. “Okay,” he says. “You guys don’t have to stay, you know, if you wanted to head home.”

“I’m staying.” Zoe says firmly.

“I’m staying as well,” Louise says. “Plus, neither of us will be sleeping through the night until we know that Phil’s awake and that you’re okay again.”

Dan manages a small smile. “Well, I’ll be okay for the rest of the night, so you guys can try and go to sleep if you want.” both Zoe and Louise take him up on that offer, and they make themselves as comfortable as they can in the chairs set up in Phil’s room, going to lean on each other and in minutes they’re both fast asleep. Dan, on the other hand, goes to sit by Phil’s bedside, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly for the rest of the night.

* * *

Phil’s eyes flutter open and as he awakes, he’s greeted with a throbbing pain in his head, arms, and stomach, and a loud beeping sound piercing his ears. He winces as he rolls over, sighing in discontent as he does so, and he opens his eyes. Looking around the room he’s in and realizing that he has no idea where he is - until he sees Zoe and Louise asleep in chairs next to his assumed bed, and then he notices the heart monitor right next to him, and he puts two and two together and he figures out that he’s in the hospital.

He takes a moment to try and put together the pieces of the ‘why the hell is he in the hospital?’ puzzle, and the first conclusion he comes to is Leo. He shivers; even if the events leading up to this moment are fuzzy and distant, he knows this has Leo written all over it and it makes his blood run cold.

“Hey, you.” a soft voice speaks up, but it startles Phil and he jumps, turning to see Dan seated at his eyes. His eyes are red and bloodshot, not just from tiredness but it looks like from crying as well, and the dark circles under his eyes seem darker than normal, and Phil may be out of it but he knows that this is Dan’s signature allnighter look.

“Hi.” he says slowly. He tries to sit up but Dan gently pushes him back down.

“How are you feeling?” he asks him, reaching out to brush his hair back and run his fingers through his hair.

“Everything just hurts a lot, but I think I’m okay.” Phil tells him. He hesitates for a moment. “Why am I in the hospital anyway?” he finally asks him.

Dan pauses. “Do you not remember?” he asks slowly, and Phil can see the sudden rush of worry in his eyes.

“It’s all a little fuzzy.” he admits. “I remember some of it, but not much… I remember Leo came over and he -” and Phil stops himself, taking into account that Dan doesn’t know the true nature of his and Leo’s relationship, and his mind starts racing as he tries to come up with a good enough excuse that Dan will buy.

“Hey,” Dan cuts into his thoughts, and he just says, “I know, okay.”

“Oh.” Phil says. Dan knows. And Phil has wanted Dan to know everything for so long - he’s wanted so badly to tell Dan literally everything from start to finish, and now Dan knows. He may not know about the fighting or about the abuse, but he knows about Leo and that’s enough to bring tears of relief to his eyes.

“Oh, Phil.” Dan climbs up onto his bed and pulls Phil into a gentle, but firm and comforting hug.

Phil sniffles, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I wanted to tell you so bad,” he tells him, “But I was so scared. I didn’t want him to hurt you.”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Dan rubs his back soothingly. “It’s over now, he’s gone. He’s not going to hurt you ever again.” Phil just makes a noise of discontent, and buries his face against Phil’s shirt. He can’t believe that it’s come to this - he’s in the hospital because of his boyfriend, someone who was supposed to love him - someone who claimed to love him. He’s been beaten and bruised and broken, and it’s all because of Leo. And now Dan knows, but he found out in the worst way possible - Dan was there when Leo was hurting him, walked in on the scene unfolding, and Phil didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want any of this to happen. “It’s okay, Phil.” Dan tells him softly. “Don’t be upset, none of this was your fault.”

“Yes it is.” Phil says, pulling away from Dan and he wipes his teary eyes. “If I was a better boyfriend he never would’ve gotten so mad at me. I just kept screwing everything up.”

“Phil, you haven’t screwed anything up.” Dan tells him. “You’re amazing - no pun intended.” Phil doesn’t smile at Dan’s attempted joke, and it makes his heart hurt. “Seriously, Phil, if anyone was a bad boyfriend, it was Leo because he didn’t treat you the way you deserved to be.”

Phil just shakes his head and he mutters, “I deserved to be hit.”

Dan gapes at him. “I never want to hear you say that again.” he says sternly, and Phil looks up at him, confused, as if he hadn’t expected Dan to say that - as if he had expected Dan to agree with him. “You didn’t deserve anything that bastard had done to you. You did nothing wrong, he’s the one who’s wrong, okay? He’s the one who hurt you and he never should’ve laid a finger on you. You deserve to be loved and cherished and treated with respect.”

“Then why didn’t he?” Phil asks him, and his voice breaks as he asks him, “Why didn’t he love me?”

Dan opens his arms and Phil leans in for another hug, and Dan wraps his arms tightly around him, holding him close to him and as tightly as he can. Phil’s tense but he relaxes a bit under Dan’s embrace and he buries his face into the crook of his neck, listening as Dan tells him, “I don’t know. I hate that I don’t have an answer for you, but I don’t know why he was so horrible to you. But I know that you didn’t deserve it, and it’s never going to happen again.” he breaks their hug to place his hands on Phil’s face, cupping it in his hands and he says, “No one is ever going to hurt you ever again, I’m going to make sure of it.” Phil chokes back a sob and he hugs Dan tightly, ignoring the stabs of pain he feels as he squeezes him tightly. “I love you Phil.” Dan whispers to him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Phil whispers back, because this time, when he hears the words “I love you” from someone, he knows he can believe it.

* * *

Phil’s hospital days are thankfully numbered, as he hates being stuck in a hospital bed unable to do anything except watch average to poor television programs. The best thing about it is that Dan, Zoe, and Louise are by his side through it all. While Zoe and Louise eventually do have to make their way back to Louise’s house, Dan doesn’t leave Phil’s side. The only time he’s left the hospital was to rush back home and get his laptop so he and Phil could watch movies together, and from then on Dan has stayed by Phil’s side the entire time, and Phil finds himself wondering just how he got so lucky to have Dan in his life.

Finally, Phil is discharged and although the pain in his ribs, head, and arms haven’t lessened - nor has the pain he feels in his heart about all of this - he’s happy to be going home. He thinks he’ll be fine.

When they get back to their flat, Dan helps Phil to his bed and he gets him situated, making sure he’s comfortable, and before he gets a chance to leave, Phil asks him, “Will you stay?”

Dan smiles sadly. “Of course.” he says, and he climbs into bed with Phil, wrapping his arms around the older boy’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. “How are you feeling?” he asks him.

“I’m fine.” Phil says - his automatic response lately, and before he can even stop himself, he just blurts it out.

Dan pauses for a moment. “You know you don’t have to keep anything from me anymore.” he tells him.

Phil hesitates. Honestly, he doesn’t even know where to start. “Everything still hurts a little.” he finally says, figuring it’d be better to just start as simply as he can for now.

Dan sits up. “Where does it hurt?” he asks him.

Phil raises an eyebrow at him. “I don’t know… everywhere.” he just says sheepishly. Dan frowns a little, then reaches out for Phil’s hand, and he turns it so his palm is facing up and Dan can see the bruises around his arm, the hand shaped bruises imprinted into his skin that are definitely fading but haven’t quite healed yet. And Dan just brings Phil’s arm up to his mouth and lightly kisses the bruises. Phil tenses up immediately, and he asks softly, “What are you doing?”

Dan looks at him and smiles a little. “I’m kissing it better.” he says. He leans forward and presses a kiss to Phil’s temple because he knows Phil’s head still hurts from the concussion, then kisses his cheek right beneath the plaster that’s hiding the cut on his face, and he kisses his shoulder then takes his hand and kisses it right where his cast ends.

Phil just sits there, all but shocked that this is happening because to be frank, he doesn’t know how to respond. He’s never been cared for like this before, he’s never felt so loved before. And he doesn’t understand it, because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be loved or cared for. He also doesn’t understand why Dan, who he’s never dated a day in his life, can love him so much when his boyfriend, who he was with for almost a year, didn’t love him at all.

“I’m sorry!”’ Dan suddenly blurts out, and he moves away from Phil. “Did - did I do something wrong?”

Phil realizes that he’s begun to cry, miraculously he hasn’t dehydrated himself from crying so much lately, and he brings his hand up to brush his tears away. “No, you aren’t doing anything wrong.” he tells him.

Dan scoots closer to Phil. “Then why are you crying?” he asks him.

Phil sniffles a little. “Because you’re so great to me,” he tells him, not meeting his eyes for a moment. “And Leo was so terrible to me, and I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything.”

“Neither do I,” Dan says, and Phil looks up at him curiously. “I don’t understand how someone could be so terrible to you.” he takes Phil’s hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry he was so horrible to you, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be treated like a prince.”

“I don’t feel like a prince.” Phil mutters, blinking back more tears.

“Phil, you are a prince, okay?” Dan tells him, and his free hand reaches out for his chin, gently lifting his head up so he looks at him, and Dan says, “You’re my prince.” a tear rolls down his cheek and Dan thumbs it away. “No one’s going to hurt you ever again, okay?”

“Promise?” Phil can’t help but to ask.

Dan takes Phil’s hand and lightly kisses it. “I promise.”

* * *

Phil doesn’t understand why he feels like this. He should be happy that Leo is out of his life, happy that they don’t have to take this to court, happy that he doesn’t have to deal with him ever again. But he’s not happy; he feels horrible. Abuse or no abuse, breakups are a bitch and Phil feels like his heart has been ripped right out of his chest and stomped on.

He’s sad - so sad. And he cries so much he’s surprised that he even has tears left to cry. And he hates that he’s so sad. He hates that he can’t stop crying over this. He hates himself for being so worked up over a stupid boy who doesn’t even matter anymore - but he doesn’t hate Leo, not yet, and that’s what the worst part of this is. Leo was the first boy that Phil has ever loved, truly loved, and his first love was this insignificant boy who ripped him to shreds, and now Phil is - to put it simply - a mess.

And he’s angry. He’s angry with himself because he wants to be over this. He wants to stop caring about this. He wants to be able to go back in time and make it so he never met Leo - no, he wants to be able to go back in time and respect himself more than he did, so he didn’t spend ten months of his life being abused and mistreated. He wants to tell himself that it’s okay to be alone, that “being alone” isn’t really lonely because he has friends and family who care about him, he wants to tell himself that his first love should not have been some insignificant boy who ripped him to shreds; it should’ve been himself.

More often than not though, Phil just cries because he’s feeling too many things and he’s tired of keeping everything bottled up inside. Most of the time he’s fine, or so he thinks he is, but some nights - like tonight - it all just gets to be too much and he lies on the floor of the lounge, crying into an empty box of pizza.

“Hey, Phil, have you - oh.” Dan stops in the doorway of the lounge when he sees Phil lying face down on the floor. And even though this isn’t an unfamiliar sight to him, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Still, Dan waste no time walking over to Phil and lying down on the floor next to him.

Phil turns his head to face him. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“Keeping you company.” Dan tells him. “Do you want to talk?” Phil doesn’t say anything at first and he adds, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I was just thinking that you might feel better if you talked about anything that’s on your mind.”

“I’m just…” Phil sighs heavily, and he just lies there for a moment trying to collect his thoughts. “I don’t understand why I’m not happy about this.” he finally says. “Leo was horrible to me and he treated me like shit, and here I am crying my eyes out over him - again nevertheless! And I hate it; I hate crying, I hate crying over Leo, I hate myself for being so upset about all of this -”

“Don’t hate yourself,” Dan can’t help but to cut in. “Please don’t hate yourself, Phil. You shouldn’t hate yourself.”

“I can’t help it, I’m so pathetic!” Phil says, frustrated, and he rolls over so he’s lying on his back now. He brings his hands up to his face, pressing his palms into his eyes and he tells Dan, “All I’ve done for the past couple of months was hate myself and blame myself for everything that was wrong between Leo and I, and I can’t even bring myself to hate Leo. Of all people, I should hate Leo but I don’t, and I don’t know why!” he turns to look at Dan and he asks him, “Why can’t I just hate him?”

Dan exhales slowly. “Because,” he starts. “It’s your heart over your head, and regardless of how Leo treated you, you still got your heart broken. Maybe that’s why you can’t hate him.”

Phil scoffs. “Figures. He couldn’t have just broken my arm and my ribs, he had to break my heart too.” Dan falls silent after that and Phil just says, “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to hear me cry over Leo so much.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Dan says. “If talking makes you feel better, then talk all you want.”

“I want to talk, but I don’t even know where to start.” Phil admits. “I’m just hurt, and I’m angry, and I’m sad, and I can’t stop crying,” he sobs again. “And I’m all out of pizza.”

“Phil, it’s okay,” Dan sits up and encourages Phil to sit up as well so he can hug him tightly, and he tells him, “I’ll order you another pizza alright? And then you can talk about anything you want.” Phil nods, and Dan rings Dominos, ordering some more pizza for the two of them, and while they wait for it, Dan holds Phil and gives him forehead kisses and mumbles sweet nothings to him to calm him down. When their pizza finally arrives, Dan brings it to Phil and the two of them sit together on the lounge floor, and Phil talks.

He tells Dan everything; about the first time that Leo hit him, how he tried to break up with him the next day but he gave Leo another chance because he told him he’d never do it again. He tells him that Leo lied and continued to hit him, and when he wasn’t hitting him, he was always calling him names or talking down to him and making him feel like dirt. He tells him that his panic attack at the airport after Vidcon was because he was so afraid to go home and see Leo again. When he tells him about their sixth month anniversary, that’s when he starts crying again and he isn’t sure if it’s because reliving the memory of that night is just too much for him, but he can’t stop crying once he starts. Despite that, however, he feels so much… lighter now that he’s told everything to Dan; like the biggest burden that’s been sitting on his shoulders has finally been lifted.

Dan listens while he talks and he holds him while he cries, and every chance he gets he reminds Phl that it’s all going to be okay. Even if it is getting repetitive, he doesn’t mind saying it and he knows Phil doesn’t mind hearing it.

And Phil doesn’t mind hearing it - because he knows Dan would never lie to him, and even though right now he feels like nothing’s going to be okay and he’s never going to be happy again, he knows one day he will be okay.

* * *

They lie on the floor for a few hours and completely devour a box of pizza, but Phil’s mood starts to lift after he talks to Dan, and even though he’s still sad and heartbroken, it make him feel so much better to get all of this off of his chest. But there’s still a part of him that doesn’t feel better; it’s like there’s a dark cloud that’s following him around, not quite over his head, but lingering behind him and it makes him believe that he just wasn’t meant to be happy after all of this.

“What are you thinking?” Dan asks him, bringing Phil out of his thoughts.

“Too much.” he admits. “There’s still just so much on my mind, and I can’t even word it.” he sighs. “I just hate that all of this happened, and I hate that I’ve had to lie to everyone for months.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone.” Dan tells him.

“You mean, like a therapist?” Phil asks slowly. The hospital staff suggested that he talk to a counselor as well, but Phil had turned it down at the time. There’s just something about telling a stranger all of his problems, when it took him nearly a year to tell his best friend, just makes him anxious.

“I was thinking more like a friend. Maybe you should talk to Zoe,” Dan suggests. “Just because it might be more helpful to you than talking to me would be.”

“You’re very helpful though,” Phil tells him, because it’s true; Dan’s been there for him throughout all of this and he doesn’t want Dan thinking that all his efforts to help Phil have been a waste.

“Thank you,” Dan smiles shyly at him. “But she knows first hand what it feels like to have your heart broken like this, so it might make you feel better to talk to someone who you don’t have to make understand your feelings.”

Phil considers it, and then decides that it can’t hurt to try and talk to her. So, later in that week, when they find a time where the both of them are free, Phil calls Zoe up on Skype for a little chat. “Hi!” Zoe’s smile is cheerful and welcoming as her face appears on Phil’s computer screen, and he can’t help but to smile back at her.

“Hey, sorry for the short notice,” he says. “If you’re busy, we can -”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Zoe insists. “How are you?”

Phil sighs. My body is healing, and “I’m… coping.” he tells her. “I don’t know, I feel like a mess of things lately.”

“Did you want to talk?” she asks him. “I know about Leo - probably a bit more than you wanted me to know.”

“No, it’s fine, I’m glad you know, honestly.” Phil says. “That’s actually why I wanted to Skype with you - because I knew that you knew, and I was wondering if you could help me.”

Zoe nods. “Dan told you about Dick, didn’t he?”

“Was that actually his name?” Phil asks.

Zoe chuckles. “No, it’s just what Louise and I call him.” she tells him. “He was a massive dick though, so the name fits.” she notices Phil hesitating to speak up, and she tells him, “You can tell me anything, you know. Or ask me anything. I’d like to believe I understand a lot of what you’re going through first hand, and maybe I can help you.”

Phil nods in agreement. “It’s just hard,” he tells her. “Because talking about it makes it seem so real, and there’s still a part of me that can’t even comprehend some of this.”

“It just doesn’t seem real to you,” she tells him. “Like the past couple of days have just been a blur and you don’t even know what to make of them.”

“Yes, exactly.” Phil says. “That’s exactly it.”

“And there’s still a part of you that wants to believe that none of the bad stuff happened, isn’t there?” she asks.

Phil nods. “I think that’s part of the reason I stayed with him for so long, because I thought talking about it would be like admitting that there was a problem, and I didn’t want there to be a problem. I just wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to turn around.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry it didn’t.” Zoe tells him.

“Thank you,” Phil says.

“Also, for what it’s worth,” she continues. “You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you miserable - nevertheless hurts you. And even though it is a cliche, everything does happen for a reason and that’s something I told myself a lot while I was going through my break up.”

“How did you go back to being okay again?” he asks. “Because right now, I feel like I’ll never be okay again, and it sucks.”

“It’s not like flipping a light switch on or anything,” she tells him. “It definitely took time and I wasn’t able to get on with my life right away, and like you said for a while I really did feel like I was never going to be happy again. And, like it I said it took time, but I just realized that some people you cannot change and it’s not always your fault, no matter how much they try to make it seem as though it is. And another thing that I realized was that I wasted a lot of my time and efforts on somebody who didn’t deserve it, and as much as I wouldn’t change what happened because it’s made me who I am now, I would never let the same thing happen again.”

“Wow.” is all Phil can say, because talking to Zoe doesn’t feel like he has to force himself to say anything - she already knows what he’s trying to say and what he feels. So he starts to consider the fact that she definitely knows what she’s talking about, even if she wasn’t in an abusive relationship like he was, she was hurt and she knows how he feels. And maybe she’s right; maybe one day he’ll realize that none of this was his fault. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you ever feel like you were lying to everyone?” he asks her. “Like, because everyone knew something was wrong but you kept denying that anything was wrong.”

“I dunno, I guess in a way I did,” she tells him. “Because even if my viewers couldn’t tell, there were people in my life who knew that something was wrong and I kept putting on this act as if I was okay.”

“That’s what I hate the most about all of this,” Phil admits to her. “Because being with Leo meant lying to everyone, and I hated it so much.”

Zoe pauses in thought. “Maybe,” she starts. “You should make a video about it.”

“A video?” Phil asks, sounding a bit skeptical about the idea.

“Yeah, it’d be like keeping a journal, only less writing and more talking.” Zoe tells him. “Even if you don’t upload it, it’ll make you feel better to just vent.” Phil considers this and Zoe adds, “You don’t have to go public with everything if you don’t want to.”

“No,” he says slowly, processing everything. “I think I want to.”

“Are you sure?” she asks him.

“Yeah, I don’t want to lie anymore.” he tells her. “I don’t want to feel like I’m lying anymore.” and it’s been decided. For the first time in months, Phil is going to turn on his camera, and he’s going to tell all.

* * *

Phil decides that filming this video is a ‘now or never’ type of thing, and the next day, he tells Dan what he’s going to do and Dan helps him set up the camera (though that’s not something he needs help with, but he suspects that Dan just wants to feel helpful right now and Phil is very appreciative of it all). “Is there anything else you want me to do?” he asks.

“Just… be here?” Phil asks him.

“Of course.” Dan says, and he gives Phil a smile then goes to stand behind his camera, ready to turn it on for Phil whenever he’s ready.

Phil takes a deep breath, sitting down on his bed and self consciously fixing his hair as he does so. His hand are shaking, mirroring the rapid pounding of his heart right now, and his palms start to sweat. He plays with his fringe again, going back and forth between pushing it out of his face completely and smoothing it down so it’s flat against his forehead. “Right, okay.” he says to himself, mumbling under his breath and ringing his hands together, then going to wipe them on the sides of his jeans because they are so sweaty. “Okay, okay, okay.” he tells himself and he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince himself that he is okay or that everything is going to be okay, but regardless of his true intention, he feels like neither are accurate depictions at the moment.

“Hey,” Phil glances up at the sound of Dan’s voice, and the brunette smiles at him and tells him, “You can do this.”

Phil nods; he can do this - he wants to do this. “Okay, I can do this.” he says, and then Dan turns on the camera. He takes another deep breath before he brings his hand up to wave and he says, “Hey guys!” it feels good to say that; it feels like home. “Long time no see, am I right? Yeah, sorry for being MIA for the longest time, but a lot of things have been going on in my life that have stopped me from filming and that’s what this video is going to be about.”

His voice doesn’t shake as he speaks, but he figures it’s just because he’s a good actor because he’s absolutely terrified right now. He’s about to tell nearly two million people his deepest, darkest secret - something that only his parents, Dan, Zoe, and Louise know, and now everybody is about to know. He’s never felt so vulnerable before - it’s like that dream where you’re up on stage during a performance and you realize you aren’t wearing anything but your underwear; that’s how he feels right now, wholly exposed to the eyes of everyone.

“You okay?” Dan asks him, snapping him back to reality and a faint blush dusts his cheeks when he realizes that he zoned out for a moment.

“I’m fine.” he says, giving him a reassuring smile, and then looks back at the camera. “So I guess in order for things to make sense to everyone, I’m going to start from the beginning, after I say that my boyfriend and I are no longer together. And I know your initial response was probably to be sad for me, but trust me you should not be sad at all because breaking up with him was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I know everyone is probably confused, because I know we were everyone’s OTP, but in reality, nothing was as perfect as I let everyone think it way.”

He pauses again, then takes a deep breath. “This isn’t easy for me to say, and truthfully there is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it… I was in an abusive relationship.” Saying it out loud makes it seem so real, which is a silly thing to think because it was real. But for months he has been in denial and he wasn’t ready to admit that there even was a problem between him and Leo, and now here he is telling it to the whole of the internet - telling the truth to the whole of the internet. And it just feels so freeing, and he doesn’t feel like he has to lie or hide anymore. The truth it out there; just saying those words put it out there. And suddenly, he doesn’t feel so terrified anymore.

“Like I said,” he continues. “I’m going to start from the beginning just so there isn’t any confusion and hopefully not many questions by the end.” he takes another deep breath before saying more. “Leo had a really bad temper, and we used to fight a lot because of it. And fighting with Leo was always really strenuous on me because he always tried to make it seem like it was my fault that we were fighting. He would twist my words or put words in my mouth, and it always made it seem like I was the one who had to apologize to him, even when I had actually done nothing wrong.

“But despite the fact that fighting with him was always really exhausting, I didn’t think that necessarily meant there was anything wrong with our relationship. I thought that all couples had little lovers spats every now and again, and truth be told, I really did blame myself for us fighting. I thought that if I had been a better boyfriend that we wouldn’t have any problems and I just really wanted to make everything work between the two of us, because I loved him.

“So the fighting went on for a while, but I kept thinking that it would stop - I think mostly because I didn’t want to believe that anything was wrong, when in hindsight everything was wrong. And like I said, it was always exhausting to fight with him because Leo was manipulative and he’d insult me, but I just wanted so badly for everything to work out between us because I loved him and he told that he loved me, and I guess I was just so desperate to be loved by someone that I just accepted all of the bad that came with it.

“Things didn’t get better like I thought they would though, and back in April, Leo hit me for the first time. It was -” Phil stops himself for a second, and then sighs, “I don’t want to say ‘it wasn’t that bad’ because getting hit by anyone is bad, but basically what happened was we had gotten into another fight and he just backhanded me. And when that happened, I had decided that I was going to end things between us but when I went to talk to him about it, he apologized and told me that he loved me and told me that he was never going to do it again. And I feel so stupid because I believed him and I have him a second chance, but then that second chance turned into a third chance and a fourth chance and a fifth chance, because he just didn’t stop.”

Phil reaches for the makeup wipes he had placed on the floor beforehand and goes to wipe off all of the cover up that he had applied to his face before filming, revealing to everyone the true nature of his and Leo’s relationship. He winces when the wipe rubs against the scar on his cheek from the Iron Man poster hitting him in the face, but for the most part all of his wounds are old but not quite healed, most of which being bruises from when Leo had punched him on numerous occasions. When he’s wiped his face clean, he looks into the camera and says, “He said it was never going to happen again, but clearly that was a lie.”

He goes to say more when he notices Dan crying behind his camera, his fist pressed to his mouth so the sound of him crying doesn’t pick up in the video, and Phil’s face drops. “Dan!”

“I’m fine,” he says, wiping his eyes. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

“It’s not fine, you’re crying.” Phil gets up and walks over to Dan, pulling him into a tight hug. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just -” Dan sniffles a little. “I hate that this happened to you. I hate that I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“You’re joking right?” Phil pulls away and looks at him. “Dan you tried so hard to help me, I was the one who kept pushing you away. And you were the one who was there when Leo and I had gotten into that fight. And you’re here for me now, and that’s what’s important.” Dan sniffles again, wiping his eyes with his sleeves, and Phil pulls him into another hug, telling him, “I’m okay, now, Dan. I’m okay now.”

It takes a couple of minutes for Phil to calm Dan down before he goes back to filming, and when he does, he doesn’t feel scared or anxious like he did before; he feels confident and relaxed, like he told Dan, he feels okay. “Um, sorry for my face,” he starts off. “You don’t have to look if you don’t want to - you can just switch tabs or something. But yeah, so this is what I actually look like and for a while, no one really knew because I’d just cover it all up. And I’d spend a lot of time watching my beauty vlogger friends’ videos to find out which types of concealer and cover up that I should use to hide the bruises. And I hated having to wake up everyday and put all of this stuff on my face, because it felt like I was wearing a mask and it felt like I wasn’t being the real me. But then again, the real me wasn’t somebody that anyone would want to be around truthfully.

“The real me was depressed, very depressed. Everything was just too much for me, even something as simple as making a video just took too much effort for me, which is why I neglected my channel for a while - I really am sorry about that, by the way. And on top of that, I had a hurting heart because I loved Leo and Leo didn’t love me.

“So this went on for a couple of months, almost a year to be honest, and then it got to the point where I was like ‘I’ve had enough’ - okay, so it wasn’t as simple as that, but the whole story as to what lead me to break up with Leo is a long one and I’m still not quite ready to talk about it yet. Ultimately though, I did have a bit of an eye-opening moment and I realized that I couldn’t keep going on like this and I couldn’t stay with someone I was afraid of. Um, the break up did not go well, at all.” he lets out a nervous chuckle and hesitates for a moment, deciding if he should go into detail but then he just thinks ‘fuck it’ and he decides to tell his viewers what happened.

“So basically, Leo and I had gotten into a fight when I tried to break up with him, and long story short I now have a broken arm, broken ribs, a whole bunch of bruises and a broken Iron Man poster - which I might be most angry about, as I really liked that poster and now I have to try and find a replacement for it.” he makes a mental note to add in ‘RIP Iron Man Poster 3’ while he’s editing, and hopefully he’ll get a smile out of someone with it. “All joking aside though, I’m very lucky that Dan came home when he did because if he hadn’t, then I could’ve been beaten to death. So,” he looks up, no longer looking at the camera but looking behind it at Dan and he says, “Thank you, Dan.”

“And that brings us to where I am today; my broken bones are healing, and so is my heart. And in the end, I know that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, and standing up to Leo and deciding to leave him was the first time that I had stood up for myself in months, and it felt really good. Right now I am kind of dealing with the aftermath of the relationship, but I’ve got the greatest support system and they’ve all been helping me out loads while I recover from this.

“And this is the part where I get a bit cliche, so I apologize, but I just want to say that if you’re in an abusive relationship like I was or if you’re in a relationship with someone where you’re more miserable than you are happy, then please get out or seek help because it’s really not worth it. And I know how hard it is, believe me, but in the end, you will be a much happier person if choose to stand up for yourself and not let anyone hurt you anymore.

“I know I’ve waffled for a while now and I’m almost done; the last thing I wanted to say was the worst thing about my relationship with Leo is that I let him make me think that I wasn’t worthy of being loved by someone or that I wasn’t important or that my feelings weren’t valid, and basically he just made me think so badly of myself and I didn’t love or respect myself enough to get out of the relationship when it had started going sound. So as it is January now, I’ve decided to make a New Year’s resolution and that is to find love, but not with someone else, but with myself for once. I’m going to work on building myself up once again so something like this never happens to me again, and I’m going to work on properly loving myself as well.”

He exhales after saying that, as he hadn’t planned on going off on that mini tangent at the end - the thought just came to him last minute. But he takes a second to make sure he’s said everything he wanted to say before he wraps it all up. “So that’s it, I’m sorry this video was so long and so sad.” he lets out another nervous little chuckle. “My next one though will definitely be more upbeat, I promise! And until next time, I love you and goodbye.”

Dan shuts off the camera for him and Phil drops back onto his bed, and lies on his back for a moment, closing his eyes and just processing everything that just happened. Dan walks over to him and climbs onto his bed, lying down next to him and when Phil turns to look at him, he sees Dan smiling widely as he tells him, “I’m so proud of you.”

Phil grins. “Thanks.”

“You should be proud of yourself.” Dan adds. “This was really brave of you, and I know it wasn’t easy.”

“It wasn’t,” Phil admits. “But it was worth it.”

Dan leans over and presses a kiss to his temple. “I’m really so proud of you.” he tells him again, and Phil blushes.

“Thank you.” he mumbles, then sits up. “I think I’m going to edit it now.”

“Really?” Dan asks him. “You sure you don’t want to wait a day or two?”

Phil shakes his head. “No, I want this uploaded as soon as possible. Besides, if I don’t do it now, then I’ll put it off for another month and I really don’t want that.” Dan understands, and he accompanies Phil to the office where he sits in the couch while Phil edits his video, going over to rub his shoulders every few minutes because he can see how tense and stressed he is over the video, over hearing his own voice so much, over listening to the story once again. He jokes that he’s forgotten how to edit, as he hasn’t made a video in so long, and it’s a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, but Dan laughs anyway and he tells him he’s doing just fine.

It takes a bit of time for Phil to finish editing and for the video to finish exporting, and when it does, he goes to upload it and he honestly feels sick to his stomach. He’s so afraid - he wonders how people are going to receive it, if he said all the right things, if people are going to leave mean comments. When it finishes uploading, he all but runs from the office and goes into his room to hide under his covers, as if that’ll making dealing with all of this any easier. Then again, the solution to all of life’s problems is to make a blanket fort, so maybe Phil has the right idea now.

Dan tweets the link to his video for him and posts it to his Tumblr and Facebook, before going to join Phil under his duvet. “You have nothing to be worried about.” he tells him. “It’s all going to be fine.” Phil just grunts in response and cuddles into Dan’s side, and for a few minutes, the two of them just lie together in silence.

Then Phil’s phone starts blowing up with tweets and texts from all of his friends, all of them telling him how proud they are of him and how brave he was for posting that video and how strong he was for leaving Leo. Dan encourages him to go check the comments on his video so far, even though he knows there won’t be many since the video was just uploaded, but he checks anyway and people have left such nice, well thought out comments for him to read through. His eyes actually start to well up with tears a little bit because he’s just so overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback and support he’s been receiving so far. Later in the night, Zoe calls him up on Skype, and she’s in tears but she tells him how proud she of him and how much she loves him, and Dan’s by his side telling him the same thing, and for the first time in months, Phil feels truly loved.

* * *

The next day, Phil sees that his mentions are flooded with loving tweets sent into him by viewers and friends; even some people at the BBC have gotten in contact with him, telling him that he was so brave for telling everyone about what happened to him. Almost all of his youtube friends had tweeted about the video, saying that they felt inspired by Phil and that they’re so proud of him. The comments on YouTube and Tumblr are still flooding in, and Phil can’t even put into words how all of this has made him feel.

A few days pass and while the initial excitement - for lack of a better term - does die down, Phil still finds himself receiving ample feedback, all of it positive and all of it bringing a smile to his face. But truth be told, it is a bit overwhelming. He checks his comment section to see these horror stories of abusive relationships - not even just physically abusive relationships, and not even just romantic relationships either - and how Phil is encouraging them to get out of this hell they’ve been stuck in, and while he is thankful to have been able to help these people, it’s all a bit much for him. Especially when some of these comments are pretty… detailed.

That’s when Phil decides that he just wants to get away for a few days - maybe just the weekend. Dan’s all for it and he suggests visiting Zoe for the weekend; she had been asking them for the past few days to stop by, and they need to meet Percy and Pippin, her guinea pigs, as well. So Phil rings Zoe and asks if she wouldn’t mind some weekend company - of course, she says yes, and on Friday, Dan and Phil are on the train to Brighton

The train journey takes about an hour, and it’s spent mostly with Phil sleeping on Dan’s shoulder while Dan plays games on his phone, and when they arrive in Brighton, Zoe and Alfie are waiting for them at the train station. Zoe greets the two of them with big hugs, and asks how they are as Alfie leads the four of them to Zoe’s car.

“How was your train ride?” Alfie asks them.

“Uneventful.” Dan says. “Which is good, because Phil always seems to attract the weirdest people whenever we go out in public.”

“Do you really?” Zoe asks.

“Oh yeah.” Phil says, and then goes into his many stories of the weird people he’s encountered, specifically while travelling. Zoe and Alfie both laugh so hard at the story about ‘the tea people’ and Dan laughs too, even though he’s heard the story before. But it makes Phil smile; it makes him feel normal. and normalcy is something he’s been wanting for a while now . He doesn’t want people to look at him like he’s a different person now just because what happened to him; he doesn’t want to be a victim or a survivor, he just wants to be Phil. And this weekend he doesn’t have to worry about being a victim or a survivor.-He’s just going to be Phil.

They arrive to Zoe’s and Alfie departs a few minutes later to go pick up some cupcakes for the four of them to enjoy this evening - to which both Dan and Phil insist they don’t have to go to any trouble for them, and Zoe and Alfie reply that it’s no trouble at all. “Besides, we both really want cupcakes anyway.” Alfie jokes before giving Zoe a kiss goodbye and then heads out for their cupcakes. Zoe turns to Dan and Phil, “Do you want to help feed Percy and Pippin?” she asks, shrugging her jacket off as the four of them walk inside her house.

“Yes!” Phil says excitedly, discarding his things on Zoe’s couch. Dan chuckles as he watches his friend eagerly follow Zoe to her guinea pigs, and when curiosity gets the best of him, he follows the two of him, just wanting to watch the scene unfold. He knows how much Phil loves animals, so he knows that Phil must be looking forward to this.

Zoe picks up on of the guinea pigs out of their cage. “This is Percy,” she tells him.

“How am I going to be able to tell them apart?” he asks, looking from Percy to Pippin and they look nearly identical.

“Pippin is the one with the brown ear and long hair at the back, and Percy has the louder squeak.” she explains. “Also, Percy tends to bite a little so be careful.”

“Oh.” Phil chuckles.

“Don’t worry, he’s so sweet,” Zoe reassures him, and she hands Percy off to him.

He’s so much smaller than he looks, and softer too, and Phil’s gentle as can be, holding Percy close to his chest with one hand, the other taking some lettuce from Zoe and feeding him with it. He nibbles at it eagerly, and Phil chuckles. “Dan can we get one?” he asks, looking up at Dan.

Dan chuckles. “Sure.” he says, walking over to gently pet Percy on his head while he eats.

“Do you want to hold him?” Phil asks, though he looks reluctant to let go of him.

“No, that’s fine.” Dan says with another chuckle.

“You can hold them all you want, Phil.” Zoe tells him, then her eyes widen a bit. “Oh! I have an idea! Dan can you grab Pippin please?”

Dan eyes the cage anxiously. “Is he going to bite me or anything?” he asks nervously.

“You’ll be fine, just scoop him up!” Zoe says, and then disappears down the hall for a moment. Dan reaches inside the cage for Pippin, struggling a bit to pick him up as Pippin doesn’t seem to be in the mood for human contact - not that Dan blames him - and it takes a few tries before he’s got him in his hands.

“Isn’t he so soft?” Phil asks, cuddling Percy to his chest, the little guinea pig all finished with his lettuce. Phil grabs another piece of lettuce and hands it to Dan. “Here, Pippin is probably hungry too.”

“God, I’m going to drop him at this rate.” Dan mumbles, taking the lettuce from Phil, trying to manage Pippin in one hand and the lettuce in another so he can feed the little guy.

“Don’t drop him!” Phil sounds horrified.

“Who’s dropping who?” Zoe appears back by the boys seconds later.

“I didn’t drop anyone!” Dan says. “Anyway, what was your idea?”

“Oh yeah, follow me!” Zoe motions for the boys to follow her out into the lounge. “And bring Percy and Pippin!” the boys follow her and Zoe shows them the little set up she made for them on her couch. “You can sit under my duvet and Percy and Pippin can sit in your lap,” she tells Phil with a smile. “Now you really can hold them all you want.”

Phil’s smile can’t be wider as he gets situated under Zoe’s duvet and rests Pippin in Percy in his lap, and Dan can’t stop smiling at how happy Phil is. He sits on the floor right beside him, and Zoe goes to make hot chocolate for them. Alfie returns minutes later with cupcakes for all of them, and the four of them gather together in Zoe’s living room, and spend the rest of the night watching films together.

Phil ends up moving aside so Dan can sit next to him under the duvet, and it’s a tight squeeze and they’re both way too tall for this, but they cuddle together and make it work. Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s shoulders and holds him close, and Phil rests his head in the crook of Dan’s neck. And with Dan by his side, Pippin and Percy in his lap, and a mug of hot chocolate in his hands, he’s more than content right now. A weekend like this is just what he needed.

* * *

Time passes and for the most part, just about everything has gone back to normal. Phil’s injuries have healed and his cast is gone - which makes him very happy because doing anything one handed was a massive challenge for him. Right after the break up, Phil would have nightmares about Leo almost every night, some of which just reliving the break up and some of them terrifying scenes where Leo somehow made his way back into his life, but now they’ve almost completely stopped and he doesn’t feel afraid to go to sleep anymore.

He feels… normal again. He feels like the Phil he was before he met Leo - only happier now.

Even though the video talking about his relationship with Leo was uploaded almost two months ago, he still receives comments about it - his subscriber count has even doubled since uploading it - and everyone continues to send him well wishes and thank him for making the video. He was hoping that when he uploaded it that someone who was in a position that was similar to his would watch it and have it inspire them to go seek the help they needed, but he never would’ve thought that his video would have touched so many people and encouraged so many people to get out of these relationships where they aren’t happy or aren’t treated right.

Apparently his viewers weren’t the only ones inspired by what he had to say, as a week before Playlist Live he receives an email from one of the people who help run Playlist. Phil’s eyes scan the email and statements like “we were incredibly moved your video” and “we are all so proud of you and wishing you the best” pop out at him before they cut to the chase, asking him if he were willing to do a panel at Playlist talking about abusive relationships, not only his personal experiences but taking questions from an audience about abusive relationships in general.

Dan reads the email over his shoulder and lets out a low whistle. “That’s nice of them to want you to do that.” he says

“Yeah.” Phil says slowly, trying to decide if he’s going to say yes to this or not. While it is a really great idea, it just makes him a bit nervous to speak out about something so personal in front of a crowd of people, unable to edit out the parts where he gets too emotional or choked up.

Dan picks up on his anxiety over this, and he rubs his shoulders. “You don’t have to do this, you know.” he reminds him.

“I know,” Phil murmurs. He falls silent once again, mulling over his options before he ultimately decides that he’s going to do it. “I think it could really help some people who maybe haven’t found the courage to break free of a bad relationship to hear me talk about it in person.” he tells Dan as he types up a reply email. “And I feel like people probably still have a lot of questions for me, and if I can answer them all at once then I won’t have to deal with them in my Twitter mentions - or just in general anymore.” he stops typing for a moment to look at his monitor, and he sees Dan standing behind him, smiling so wide and his lips twitch into a shy smile as he asks him, “What?”

“I’m just really proud of you,” Dan tells him. “You’re so brave, and I just -” Dan stops himself for a moment, a blush creeping across his cheeks and he blurts out, “I think you’re really incredible.”

Phil blushes as well, looking down at the keyboard as he mutters out a “Thank you.” to Dan, and Dan just stands there behind him, awkwardly blushing and Phil can’t quite meet his eyes until he’s sent his email. It shouldn’t be so awkward between them; they’re best friends, of course they’re going to compliment each other every now and again. Maybe it’s because Phil isn’t used to someone talking so nicely to him that it just makes him accepting compliments so awkward for him - or maybe it’s because Dan looks really cute when he blushes and stutters, and Phil can’t seem to get the image out of his mind.

* * *

Playlist Live rolls around faster than either Dan or Phil expect it to, and before they know it, they’re on the plane with Zoe, Alfie, Louise, and so many of their other British friends headed to Florida.

Dan and Phil sit towards the back of the plane, excluded from everyone else as they usually do because for some reason - especially lately - even when they’re in a group of people they seem to only care about each other and just want to be with each other. Phil sits by the window, his head resting against and eyes closing as the plane levels after take off.

“You alright?” Dan asks him when he hears him sigh heavily.

“I’m -” Phil stops himself before he just says the words ‘I’m fine’ because he’s not fine, and he needs to start being honest about his feelings again. “I’m just a bit nervous about Playlist.” he admits.

“Because of your panel?” Dan guesses, sympathetically rubbing his shoulder.

“Well that, but mostly I’m just nervous to be around everyone,” he tells him. “I mean, I’m excited to see all of the fans and stuff, but I just don’t want everyone screaming, you know?”

“Aw,” Dan frowns. “I forgot that all the yelling and screaming makes you nervous.”

“I should be fine,” Phil tries to reassure him but there’s anxiety building up in his chest already and the flight has just started; he can’t imagine how he’ll feel once they’re actually in Florida, surrounded by a hoard of viewers screaming for him. “It’s just all the noise, it sets me on edge.”

“I know.” Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s shoulder, and Phil leans into him. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m going to take care of it - I’m going to take care of you.”

Phil blushes and hides his face against Dan’s shirt. “Dan -”

“I am though,” Dan cuts in. “I’m going to make sure that this is the best weekend ever for you.”

“Thank you.” Phil mumbles, and Dan can see that the tips of his ears are red and it makes his heart flutter in his chest. Phil really is just the cutest human being ever.

The remainder of the flight goes by uneventful, spare for Louise going around to everyone asking if they’ve ever had a Bloody Mary before and then making them try the drink if they’ve said no, and hours later the plane is landing in Florida. Phil’s heart rate spikes as the plane descends and he nervously buries his face in the crook of Dan’s neck. “It’s okay,” Dan tells him, and he places a kiss on the top of Phil’s head. “It’s all going to be fine.”

The plane lands, and as they’re about to exit, Dan tells Phil to wait for a moment and that he’ll tell him when he can come out into the terminal. Although he’s confused, he obliges, and he stands behind as Dan scurries off. And he waits, despite the fact that he feels a bit silly about just standing there while everyone walks past him and airport security gives him a strange look for just idly standing by as well - when he hears Dan talking and he strains his ears to listen. “Phil and I will be happy to stop and take all the selfies with you guys, but please just don’t scream and yell when you see Phil okay? Because he really doesn’t like it and it scares him a bit, and I don’t want him to be scared this weekend and I’m sure none of you do either. So spread the word for me please? And let’s all just be calm and cool, okay? Okay, I’m going to get Phil now - remember when I said!”

Phil feels like his heart is going to burst - he can’t believe the trouble Dan is going to just so he has a good weekend. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky to have Dan in his life, but he’s so insanely happy that he has him. “Alright, we can go now.” Dan says as he approaches him with a smile. Phil doesn’t mention that he overhead Dan’s little plan to make sure that everything runs smoothly this weekend; instead he just smiles at him and follows him out into the airport terminal. They’re greeted by numerous smiling faces, and everyone asks Phil how he is and how his flight was, and no one screams or yells and Phil can feel some of his previous anxiety just melt away.

In theory Dan’s plan to try and talk to everyone before Phil gets to them and tell everyone to keep calm and quiet is a great one, and Phil actually believes that it’ll work despite all of the flaws in his plan. But realistically, Dan can’t protect Phil from all the screamers, and by the time they get to their hotel, there are fans everywhere and they’re all so loud, and some of them are screaming so much. Phil goes tense when they enter the lobby and every instinct in him is telling him to just turn around and leave because he doesn’t feel safe anymore.

He squeezes Dan’s hand anxiously, simply because he has no idea what to do now, and Dan just looks at him and he tells him, “It’s okay, don’t worry. Just follow me, okay?” Phil nods and Dan leads him through the lobby, where they barely escape all of the people out there yelling their names and calling out for them. Phil closes his eyes, trying to block all of the noise out, but it proves to be too much for him and he and Dan find themselves collapsed in the hallway of their hotel, Phil’s back against the wall as he struggles to keep his breathing steady.

“I’m - I’m fine.” he tries to tell Dan, but it’s obvious that he isn’t.

Dan reaches out and gently cups his face in his hand. “Yeah, you’re fine, Phil.” Dan tells him. “You’re fine. I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

Dan’s here. It’s suddenly as if those two words have erased his fears and Phil knows that he doesn’t have to be afraid anymore - something about just knowing Dan is here with him is so comforting to him that it actually manages to calm him down a bit. Phil reaches out for him, and Dan pulls him into a tight hug, and Phil just clings to him tightly because Dan is here, and Dan makes him feel safe.

* * *

The first day of Playlist goes smoothly, and Phil gets to see all of his friends - unlike last year, where he saw nobody for the entire weekend. There’s a small get together in one of the hotel rooms with all of his closest youtube friends and they throw a mini party for Phil, which makes him blush a lot and his jaw hurts from smiling and saying “thank you” to everyone but it’s still a great night.

Day two of Playlist is the day of Phil’s panel, and he barely gets any sleep the night before and he wakes up with his stomach in knots. He tries to remind himself that it’s going to be just like doing a live show - which he hasn’t done in months so maybe that isn’t the best thing to compare it to. But it’s going to be fine; truth be told, he can’t really screw this up because it’s just him talking about himself and his experiences.

Also Dan is going to be there the whole time, and truth be told that makes him feel so much better.

His panel isn’t until later, but the day goes by in a blur and before he knows it, he’s backstage and it’s five minutes before he has to go out and speak to everyone. He’s about finished with this second water bottle, so he hopes that he won’t be too nervous because the last thing he needs is to wet his pants in front of all of these people.

Dan takes Phil by his hand and takes him aside before he has to go out, and he puts his hands on his shoulders and tells him, “You are going to be amazing, okay?”

Phil manages a small smile. “Pun intended?”

Dan grins at him. “Pun intended.” he says. “Really though, Phil, you have nothing to be nervous about, everything is going to go just fine.”

“You really think so?” Phil asks anxiously.

“I know so.” Dan says confidently. “Everyone is going to love you and you’re going be great. And Zoe, Louise, Tyler and a bunch of other people are out in the crowd supporting you too and they know as well as I do that you’re going to be amazing - pun intended.”

Phil glances behind Dan, and he can see someone throwing up two fingers at him - meaning he’s got two minutes until he has to go out on stage. “And you’ll be there with me, won’t you?” he asks him, almost shyly at that.

Dan can’t fight the wide smile stretching across his lips when he hears this, and he tells him, “Yes, the whole time. I promise.” He gives Phil’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and Phil just smiles at him finding that he has to resist the urge to just lean forward and kiss him. He blushes at the thought of that, his heart skipping a beat and he finds himself thinking, where did that idea come from?

He doesn't have time to dwell on it though because the next thing he knows, Dan is walking out past the curtains that are hiding them from the audience and out onto the stage, ready to introduce Phil.

“Hi everyone!” Dan smiles and waves at the crowd of people before him, everyone cheering loudly and excitedly clapping. The energy in the room is so positive and welcoming and he hopes that Phil is backstage receiving it all because this is all for him. “Okay, so Phil’s going to come out in a minute but first I’d just like to say that I know you’re all excited and I know you all love Phil, but please try to refrain from yelling and screaming and just making loud noises in general because it scares him and we all want Phil to be happy and relaxed during this don’t we?” he hears a chorused, “Yes!” in response, and it makes him chuckle. “Right then, so without further ado, here’s Phil!”

Phil takes a deep breath when he hears Dan introduce him and he smiles nervously as he walks out onto the stage, waving at everyone and saying “Hey guys!” into his microphone. Everyone claps for him, and Dan gives him a thumbs up, and when he looks around and sees a sea of smiling faces, he suddenly doesn’t feel so afraid anymore.

“Hi!” he smiles at everyone. “Wow, there really is a lot more of you than I expected. I didn’t think so many people would be interested in listening to me talk.” the back of the room a small group of people say, “We love you Phil!” and he laughs a little. “Thank you.” he says. “So I’m assuming most of you have seen a video I posed a few months about my relationship with my last boyfriend?” nearly everyone in the room raises their hands and Phil says, “Okay good, just about everyone. So this panel-slash-Q and A is going to focus mostly on that video, so any questions you guys might have about my relationship you can ask me or if there’s anything that I didn’t address in the video that you’re curious about you can ask me about as well. Or if you have any advice you’d want from me, just feel free and ask me anything.” the room is silent for a moment and Phil lets a nervous chuckle. “Don’t be afraid,” he tells everyone. “I know this isn’t the most upbeat topic, but I’m okay with talking about it and if I can help somebody in the process, then that’s even better.”

Someone in the front row shyly raises their hand and when Phil hands her the microphone, she asks, “How have you been lately?”

Phil smiles at her. “I’ve been good!” he says. “I’ve been coping a lot better as time goes on, and I’m not completely okay but I’m doing really good and I’m really happy lately.”

The person sitting next to her asks, “What are some of the negative effects of what happened to you?”

“Nightmares mostly,” Phil says. “I’ve had a few panic attacks as well, but not often only when I get scared - like the night our neighbors were fighting and I could hear them screaming at each other from our apartment, and like Dan said, I really don’t like all that noise, so that made me have a panic attack. But over past few weeks they’ve been happening less and less, and my nightmares have been going away, and like I said I’m a much happier person these days.”

Someone else raises their hand, “How long was the relationship?”

“It was ten months by the time we broke up,” Phil tells everyone. “But Leo was only abusive for eight months out of the ten we were together.”

Someone else asks, “Was it only physical abuse, or was it more than that - if you don’t mind answering.”

“I don’t mind,” Phil says with a smile. “For the most part it was a lot of physical abuse, but he was also verbally abusive towards me. He was emotionally abusive towards me as well but I didn’t even realize it at the time.”

“What do you mean, you didn’t realize it?” one girl asks.

“Well for one, I didn’t even know that emotional abuse was a thing,” Phil admits. “And I kind of just thought that I was overreacting, but after the relationship ended I realized how manipulative Leo really was and how he always did or said things that he knew would hurt his feelings. Also this is something I recently discovered after doing some research - I’m not sure if any of you have heard of it, but something Leo would gaslight me, which means he would manipulate situations to try and trick me into thinking that everything was all my fault.”

Another girl asks, “So did all of that make it harder to leave him?”

“Definitely,” Phil says. “It was hard because I just felt trapped; part of me wanted to stay in hopes that everything was going to get better, part of me didn’t even want to admit there was a problem - mostly because I thought that I was the problem - and part of me knew that I should leave, I just wasn’t brave enough to.”

Another person raises their hand. “You mentioned in your video that something specific happened that gave you the courage to finally leave Leo, if you don’t mind, could you tell us what that was?”

Phil takes a deep breath, pausing for a moment. “Yeah, I can talk about it now.” he says. “I think the reason why I said I didn’t want to talk about it when I made the video was because it was just so recent and hard to think about, but I’m okay now and I’m okay to talk about it.” he rubs the back of his neck nervously and glances over to Dan, who’s been standing off to the side of the stage the entire time, and he gives him a smile and a thumbs up, and Phil smiles a little at him before looking back to the audience and answering the question. “So basically, Dan had suspected that something was wrong and when he confronted Leo about it, Leo basically threatened him and when I found that out, I was so afraid that Leo was going to hurt Dan so that’s when I knew I had to end it.”

“Were you scared to break up with him?” someone else asks.

“Terrified.” Phil admits. “Making the decision to break up with Leo was a brave one, I’ll admit that, but actually breaking up with him was scary. Aside from the fact that Leo had such a bad temper and I was afraid of him hurting me, part of me was still convinced that things would change between us and he would stop hitting me. But I knew I had to do it, and it wasn’t easy but… I did it.” a light blush dusts across Phil’s cheeks when everyone starts clapping for him, Dan included and he remembers how being with being with Leo made him feel ten inches tall, but right now with everyone around him supporting him makes him feel ten feet tall.

He takes a couple of more questions, some people tell him how his video was the encouragement they needed to get out of their own abusive relationships. Even Dan gets a few questions from people wondering how to be a good friend in a situation like this, which makes him stutter and blush because he definitely wasn’t expecting to be put on the spot like this, and Phil finds it all too cute.

Finally as things are wrapping up, Phil gets one final question from someone in the back of the room, “Do you think you’re ever going to be in another relationship one day?”

“One day.” Phil says. “I don’t know when but…” he turns to the side again, glancing at Dan and he smiles a little. “But one day, I’ll be ready.”

* * *

Phil’s panel comes to a close and he’s greeted backstage by all of his friends, receiving big hugs from all of them, especially Dan who gives him a tight squeeze for a second longer than anyone else does and then doesn’t meet his eyes when they pull away.

Later that night, when everyone else departs to one of the annual Playlist parties, Dan and Phil depart to their room instead and opt to spend the night watching basic cable and ordering room service.

“I don’t understand American television.” Dan murmurs as he flicks through the channels looking for something decent to watch. Phil lays on his bed, watching Dan who’s sat crosslegged next to him grumbling about nothing being on TV and even though he’s got a grumpy butt face, he looks so cute and Phil finds himself wondering if Dan had suddenly just become really cute, or if he had always been this cute and Phil just hadn’t noticed.

A knock on the door brings Phil out of his thoughts - perfect timing; he needs to not be thinking about how cute Dan is with him sitting less than a foot away from him, and he needs to not be trying to figure out why he suddenly thinks Dan is the cutest thing to grace this earth and why he wants to kiss him so badly. He doesn’t have time for thoughts like this… okay, he does have time for thoughts like this, but he just doesn’t want to deal with them right now. He’ll deal with them back in London; maybe the hot Florida sun is doing things to his brain.

(He knows very well that the sun is not to blame, and he knows very well that he’s been thinking of Dan differently lately - but they have company now, so he needs to divert his focus elsewhere.)

“I’ll get it,” Phil says getting up to his feet and going over to answer the door and when he opens it, Zoe and Louise - Louise holding a box of pizza in her arms - are standing in the hall outside of their room. “Hey!” he says, surprised to see them both and he hugs them as they walk inside. “What are you guys doing here? I thought you were at the party?”

“We were,” Zoe says, pausing only when she gives Dan a hug.and then continues, “But we were thinking about the two of you and thought that you might not mind some company.”

“And we bought pizza so you can’t kick us out.” Louise adds, brandishing the box like Vanna White when there’s a new letter on the board, before she places it atop of Phil’s bed.

“You didn’t happen to bring a movie for us, did you?” Dan asks. “Because there’s nothing on TV.”

Louise stares at him for a moment. “Is my pizza not enough for you, Daniel?”

The four of them laugh, and Zoe and Louise get themselves situated on the bed and Phil crawls back to his spot next to Dan. “So guys,” one of Dan’s hands go out to reach for a slice of pizza while the other wraps around Phil’s shoulders. “Wasn’t Phil’s panel the best thing ever, today?”

Phil blushes. “Dan!”

“It really was though!” Zoe insists. “I nearly cried a couple of times.”

“I actually did cry.” Louise admits, and they all laugh again.

Phil shifts a little under Dan’s arm, and the brunette boy just gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze - just another one of those “I’m still here” reminders that he’s always giving him - and Phil can feel his face getting hotter. He wants to blame it on the fact that the hotel’s AC doesn’t work, but that would be a lie because the room is cool, and Phil’s increase in body heat have everything to do with Dan Howell.

It’s strange to think that these little touches like Dan putting his arm around his shoulder or Dan holding his hand or Dan kissing his forehead didn’t mean much a few months ago, but now they seem to mean everything; like every time Dan touches him, Phil’s skin feels like it’s on fire in the best way possible. Every time he and Dan make eye contact, it leaves him lightheaded with a feeling in his chest that makes him feel like the Grinch - like his heart had grown two sizes - and a swarm of butterflies flying around in the pit of his stomach, their wings flapping at top speed as they soar around in dizzying circles. The best thing though is how much Dan makes him smile - god, when Dan makes him smile he finds himself smiling non stop, his cheeks aching but pain is irrelevant because he knows that Dan would never let anything hurt him anyway. He just feels so safe with Dan, and Dan makes him so happy. And it’s strange to think that a few months ago, all he just thought of Dan as his best friend, nothing more, but now…. now he doesn’t know what he thinks of him, but it’s definitely something more.

Zoe or Louise - he isn’t sure which one of them to be honest - coughs lightly, and Phil glances up to see the two of them staring at him and Dan, smiling from ear to ear and it makes Phil blush even more. “What?” Dan asks them.

“Oh…” Zoe and Louise glance at each other knowingly, before Louise just says, “Nothing.”

* * *

Over the past few months, Dan and Phil find themselves getting closer - which Phil didn’t even think was possible because Dan is his best friend and they’ve always been close, but now it’s as if they’re closer than ever. Phil remembers for a while how everything was strained between them, which was his fault he can’t deny that, so maybe now they’re making up for lost time. But at the same time, it’s not like that at all and lately, Phil finds himself wondering if he and Dan are really one hundred percent platonic.

The problem is, Phil isn’t sure exactly what he wants to do about all of this; he thinks he really wants to be with Dan and that scares him a bit, because it’s been so long since he’s been in a relationship and that one ended so terribly. And it’s not that he thinks Dan will treat him as badly as Leo did because he doesn’t think that at all; he knows that Dan would treat him like a prince. The problem is him and he isn’t sure if he’s ready to take on a new relationship, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready - there isn’t a timeline for him to follow on ‘abusive relationship recovery’. Is he just supposed to know when he’s ready to try and start dating again? Or should he wait a few more months? What if Dan doesn’t even like him and he’s just jumping to conclusions, assuming that Dan wants to be with him in the first place?

Phil decides to do the only logical thing about this - he’s going to consult an expert. By expert, he means Zoe because she’s been in a situation like this before and he knows she’ll be able to help him.

At first, he has no idea when he’s going to talk to Zoe but when Dan tells him he’ll be gone for the day to visit his parents, Phil takes that as a sign that he shouldn’t put this off. As soon as Dan leaves, he sends a text to Zoe asking her if she’s available to talk on Skype really quick, and when she says yes, he opens up his laptop, logs into Skype, and gives her a ring.

She answers almost immediately, and when she does he can see a pair of purple headphones around her neck. “Hey!” he smiles at her. “Was I interrupting something?” he asks.

“Nope, just doing a bit of editing,” she tells him. “But I needed a break anyway. What’s up? You sounded like you had something you wanted to talk about when you texted me?”

“I did,” Phil admits, and nervously wrings his hands together. “Uh, I have a sort of… personal question for you.” he starts.

“Okay.” Zoe says slowly. “What is is?”

Phil sighs a little. “How long after your break up did you start dating Alfie?” he finally just blurts out.

Zoe pauses for a moment, and then her lips curl into a sly smile. “It’s Dan isn’t it?” she asks. When Phil blushes wildly, she squeals. “Oh my god, you like Dan! I knew it!”

“Zoe!” Phil whines, hiding his face in his hands, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Zoe apologizes, but she can’t wipe the smile off of her face. “I’m just so happy for you! So what’s your game plan? Where are you going from here?”

“I don’t know!” Phil exclaims. “That’s why I wanted to talk to you - I have no idea what to do! I don’t even know if I’m ready to be in another relationship, and I don’t even know if Dan likes me the way that I like him! And -”

“Whoa, whoa, just slow down, okay?” Zoe interrupts him. “Look, I can help you figure this out,alright? Just relax a bit.”

Phil nods. “Okay, I’m calm.” he tells her.

Zoe smiles again. “Well I can say with good authority that Dan definitely does like you in the way that you like him.” she tells him.

Phil’s eyes go comically wide, as if he wasn’t expecting Zoe to tell him that. “You’re joking.” he says simply.

“Phil, everyone knows that Dan likes you.” Zoe says. “Truth be told, I think you were the only one who didn’t know.”

“How did everyone know before I did?” Phil asks, bewildered.

“Aside from the fact that you took that little trip to Leo Land, you’re just a tad… oblivious when it comes to Dan, sometimes.” she says.

Phil’s jaw drops, as if he’s offended by what she just said. “I am not oblivious!”

“Phil, every time you two are around each other, he blushes like crazy!” Zoe tells him.

“He has rosacea!” Phil replies.

“He also has the hots for you!” Zoe says back. “Phil, I’m not kidding here - Dan likes you, a lot. The question is though, do you like him?”

Phil hesitates for a moment. For months now, he’s been trying to figure out how he feels about Dan and trying to deny his true feelings when he’s figured out the truth. But now he doesn’t want to deny it any longer. “Yes.” he finally says. “I like Dan.”

Zoe squeals again. “Oh my god, Phil you have to tell him! Dan’s going to die when he knows that you like him!”

“I can’t just tell him Zoe!” Phil insists. “He’s my best friend!”

“And when you tell him, he’ll be your best friend and your boyfriend!” Zoe replies. “Trust me, having a boyfriend who’s also your best friend is the best thing that could happen.”

“But I’m just -” Phil sighs, struggling to put into words how he feels and why he can’t just tell Dan how he feels about him.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?: Zoe asks. “About getting into a new relationships?”

“Yes.” Phil admits.

“You know Dan’s never going to hurt you,” Zoe tells him. “Honestly, he already treats you like a prince.”

“I know, I’m just worried,” he bites on his bottom lip anxiously. “What if he gets tired of having to take care of me one day? Or what if things don’t work out between us? Or what if he used to like me, but now he doesn’t and -”

“Phil!” Zoe interrupts again. “You aren’t being calm about this.”

“Sorry.” Phil says. He sighs again. “So how did you know you were ready to be with Alfie after your last relationship?”

“I don’t know, it sort of just… happened.” Zoe says. “When we met it was while I was still dealing with my break up and I was just really down all of the time, and then I met Alfie and…” she smiles fondly at the memories. “He made me smile and laugh, and he made me forget about all of the bad things that had happened to me for a while. Then we started talking more and when I realized how happy Alfie made me, I also realized that I deserved to be with someone who made me happy.” she pauses for a moment. “And you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy too, Phil. So you just have to ask yourself, does Dan make you happy?”

Phil doesn’t even have to think about it. “Yes, all of the time.”

Zoe smiles at him. “Then be with him.” she tells him.

Phil bites his lip again. “But what if -”

“If Dan makes you happy and you like him a lot and you want to be with him, then I think that Dan is worth any and all risks.” Zoe cuts in.

Phil considers all of this, carefully thinking over everything Zoe’s told him and he comes to the conclusion that yes, he does deserve to be with someone who makes him happy. And Dan makes him so happy - happy isn’t even enough to describe how Dan makes him feel most of the time.

In the end, Phil realizes that Zoe is right; Dan is worth any and all risks.

* * *

Phil decides he isn’t going to do anything until he can build up the perfect moment, and with the help of Zoe and Louise, he determines that perfect moment to be none other than Dan’s twenty-fourth birthday.

He wakes up hours before Dan does, mostly because his nerves are wound so tight that he can barely sleep the night before but also because he wants to make him a birthday breakfast before he gives him his present. He sneaks out into the kitchen and as quietly as he can - and without breaking anything - he makes pancakes for Dan and decorates them with icing, writing out the words ‘Happy Birthday Dan!’ across the numerous pancakes he’s spread across a large plate.

When all that’s done, and after he’s cleaned up the kitchen, he takes a deep breath. Time to wake up Dan, It’s now or never.

He creeps into Dan’s room and debates the many ways he can do this, but just settles for shaking him and saying, “Wake up, wake up! Happy birthday!”

Dan groans a little but he rolls over onto his back and opens his eyes. “What time is it?” he asks, his voice thick with sleep.

“It’s birthday o’clock!” Phil exclaims, and Dan smiles a little, pushing himself up so he’s sitting up now. “Um,” Phil looks down at his lap, suddenly too shy and nervous to even look at Dan now. “I have - do you want your presents now or later?”

“Now, please.” Dan says with a smile.

Phil’s heart nearly stops but he was expecting this, he was building himself up for this moment and he knew it was going to be sooner rather than later. He takes a deep breath, a mantra of ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god’ repeating in his mind as he struggles to keep his voice steady and louder than the sound of his heart - which is beating so fast right now, Phil finds himself wondering if this is all going to have to be cut short by him having a heart attack. “I have two presents for you,” he starts. “Just in case you don’t like the first one.”

“I’m sure whatever it is you’ve got me, I’m going to love it.” Dan reassures him.

Phil just nods, and he takes a deep breath, and for a moment he considers just chickening out and doing this another day. Maybe this isn’t the perfect moment. Maybe the perfect moment will come some other time. Maybe he should just -

“Phil?” Dan cuts into his thoughts. “Am I still getting my present?” he asks, teasingly.

Phil exhales slowly; he can do this. Without another word, he simply leans forward and cups Dan’s face in his hands, not pausing or taking a moment to lock eyes with him, and he just presses his lips to Dan’s. Phil closes his eyes upon impact; Dan’s lips aren’t as soft as he thought they’d be, but they feel like they fit perfectly against his own, like the two of them really are two pieces from the same puzzle. He can’t help but to sigh a little; his chest still feels tight with anxiety and his stomach is still doing flips, but Phil swears there are fireworks going off right now. He feels like he’s at the end of his own Disney movie, and the prince is finally getting a happy ending he deserves.

Dan’s eyes widen when Phil kisses him, and his entire body goes tense for a moment. Is this really happening? Is he dreaming? He must be dreaming, Phil only kisses him like this in his dreams. But then he decides, that if he is dreaming, he never wants to wake up.

Just a soon as it happens, Phil pulls away and when he sees Dan’s deer caught in the headlights look, he starts to panic. “I’m sorry!” he exclaims. “I shouldn’t have - oh god, that was so presumptuous of me, I shouldn't have just -” Dan silences Phil by simply grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling him in for another kiss. Phil makes a startled noise when Dan kisses him, but just like before, fireworks are going off and the two of them fit together perfectly.

This time when they break the kiss, Dan rests his forehead against Phil’s and he tells him, “That was the best birthday present ever.”

Phil’s pretty sure he looks like a tomato wearing a wig right now, because he’s got to be blushing so much. “You - you really liked it?” he asks shyly.

“Yes.” Dan says, and his hand finds Phils and he laces their fingers together, holding the other boy’s hand tightly in his own. “I really like you.” he says.

Phil has to resist the urge to just grab Dan and kiss him again. “I really like you too, Dan.” he tells him. “I think I might’ve always liked you, it just took me until now to realize it.”

“Well,” Dan smiles at him. “You were definitely worth the wait.”

Phil chuckles a little and he kisses Dan for a third time, and when their lips lock once more, Phil realizes that this is it, this is everything he’s ever wanted. Now he’s found someone who will love him as much as he loves them, someone that will makes him feel all the things that he feels in his dreams. Now he’s someone’s someone, and it’s for real this time. And it all feels too good to be too true - like this is just another dream. Except this time it’s different; it’s a dream come true.