Work Text:
Take your eyes off of me so I can leave
I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me
You sat on the edge of your bed with your hands cupped over your face. You thought you could handle this. Him coming home at all times of night usually hurt to some extent, and would never tell you why, despite the countless times you've asked him. Today he came home nursing a knife wound to his side (the worst injury you had seen), and you were so furious, frustrated at how careless he was. You knew better than to ask what happened, so you helped stitch him up in silence.
"Whatever it is that you do, I want you to stop. John, I can't lose you."
He kissed the back of your hand.
"I know. I'm trying. It's not easy."
You sighed as you pulled your hand away. You were tired of the same answers. Of him always "trying", but nothing seems to change. You couldn't bare the day he came home and you couldn't fix him. So you did the only thing you knew how in relationships. Leave before you got hurt. You went to your room and began to pack your things. Your suitcase was sprawled on the bed as you stuffed clothes inside.
"Y/N."
You ignored John as he stood in the doorway with his freshly wrapped side.
"Talk to me, Y/N."
You reluctantly turned around to face him.
"Why don't you talk to me?" you said sharply as you waited with bated breath. He knew what you were asking, and you knew his answer before the words came out of his mouth.
This is never ending, we have been here before
But I can't stay this time 'cause I don't love you anymore
Please stay where you are
Don't come any closer
"I can't."
You rolled your eyes bitterly.
"John, I -"
"It's too dangerous," he interrupted, "I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt because of me."
You sighed as you turned back around and leaned against your suitcase. "How could I possibly get hurt just by knowing what your job is?" You felt your nose tingle as salty tears stung your eyes, but you pushed that feeling down. "I don't care anyway. I just can't keep living in the dark."
John took a step towards you. He wanted to hold you and tell you everything you ever asked, but he couldn't risk it.
"I know it's hard to understand, but the less you know the better."
You squeezed your eyes shut as you zipped up your suitcase. You had this conversation a million times before and it always ended with you agreeing that you understand and it was all okay. But it wasn't okay, not today. You stayed with your back towards him. You knew if you looked at him you wouldn't be able to leave. He had that effect on you.
"John, move."
Don't try to change my mind
I'm being cruel to be kind
I can't love you in the dark
It feels like we're oceans apart
There is so much space between us
Maybe we're already defeated
You felt his hand gently touch your arm like he didn't want to scare you away. When you didn't react, he slowly wrapped his arms around your waist. You closed your eyes as you let him hold you, reveling in his warmth and how his large frame engulfed your smaller one like he was made for you.
"I won't let anything happen to you," he said, and it was true. He protected you over everything. It was almost enough for you to unpack everything, and make you not even care about knowing what he does. Almost. You untangled yourself from him and finally turned to face him. The hurt was evident on his face and enough to make your heartbreak into a million tiny pieces. You immediately regretted turning around. You could practically see his pain and it had nothing to do with the stab wound.
"Why can't you just tell me?" You asked, "I'll stay, okay? I'll stay. All you have to do is tell me, that's it. Please, John." It was your turn to beg and you saw a flash of something different on his face, and for a second you thought he'd tell you, but it was just a flash. Gone before it ever really started. He shook his head.
"I can't."
You frowned, anger getting the best of you.
"Either you tell me, or I can't do this anymore."
His silence was louder than words.
I can't love you in the dark
It feels like we're oceans apart
There is so much space between us
Maybe we're already defeated
"Let's just talk about this," He pleaded.
You sighed.
"We've talked so many times. What else can we say?" You glanced at the ring on your finger, twisting it reluctantly against your thumb. Two months ago he had purposed. It wasn't overly dramatic or cheesy. You two were laying in bed, cuddled up to each other, and you were tracing a scar on his thigh when all a sudden he asked you those four huge words, as if he couldn't hold them in any longer. It felt like a dream and of course you said yes, sealing it with a kiss. The next day he got you a beautiful ring with a huge diamond and you felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Now, you didn't know if you could marry somebody with so many secrets. He couldn't even tell you about his job.
John read the look on your face and tears welled him his eyes.
"No, Y/N. Don't do this." His voice was low and shaky. "I'm trying to get out. Just give me some more time."
You have given me something that I can't live without
You mustn't underestimate that when you are in doubt
But I don't want to carry on like everything is fine
The longer we ignore it all the more that we will fight
You shook your head as you felt his eyes searching you for something, anything. You twisted the ring off and set it on the bed. It felt like taking off a piece of yourself. You grabbed your suitcase, but John took it from your hand and put it back on the bed.
"Just stop. We can get through this."
"I'm trying," you replied as you began to cry. "But I can't do this anymore. I just want the truth." You were angry that he wouldn't tell you and angry that you wanted to know so badly. You pushed him in the chest and it barely affected him. "Just tell me!" You pushed him again, harder this time.
He ignored your cries and reached out to hold you instead.
"Stop it," you said, feeling another batch of tears threaten, but you let him pull you into a hug. "Stop being sweet when I'm trying to leave you."
He held onto you so heartbreakingly tight like you were a dove that would fly away if he let you go.
"Y/N... Just... Stay."
Please don't fall apart
I can't face your breaking heart
I'm trying to be brave
Stop asking me to stay
"Then tell me," you muffled into his chest. Of course, he didn't reply to that and you didn't expect him too. You tried to pull away, but he held onto you tighter. Not tight enough to hurt you, but just enough where you couldn't leave. You didn't want to leave either, but you heard yourself speak and your voice sounded foreign to you. "John, get the fuck off me," You spat it so harshly that you almost apologized, but you didn't.
He let go of you. Even he seemed shocked at your words.
You took this opportunity to grab your suitcase again and storm past him, not looking back for fear that you would change your mind and stay. You could hear him calling your name as you rushed down the stairs. He was following behind you but you supposed his side was slowing him down. You opened the front door, quickly walking to your car. Don't stop and don't look back, was your mantra as you walked. You hated how this felt. The weight of this. The heavy pain that ached in your heart. You got in your car and threw your luggage in the passenger seat. John was a few feet from your car just as you put the key in the ignition.
"Y/n, just come back inside. We can work this out. Please, you're all I have," he begged. Then you made the hardest decision of your life. Your foot pressed on the gas, leaving John Wick in the rearview mirror getting smaller and smaller. It didn't feel real. Like you would wake up tomorrow back in his bed and everything would be okay again. You never imagined you'd be leaving the greatest man you ever met. You wanted to turn around, even just to give a proper goodbye, but it was too late now. You had thrown your ring off, yelled at him, pushed him, and left him in the dust. All while he never even raised his voice at you.
"Fuck!" You screamed out into the empty car. What did you do? You convinced yourself this was for the best though. He choose this. He was never gonna tell you about his dangerous job and that would always bother you. It would always be an argument. As you drove down the road, you wished things went differently. You hated fighting with him. A goodbye letter would have been easier, at least for you, but that was in the past now. He was in your past now. Little did you know, the hardest part was about to begin; moving on.
That's why I can't love you in the dark
It feels like we're oceans apart
There is so much space between us
Maybe we're already defeated
yeah everything changed me
And I don't think you can save me