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I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t been able to sleep soundly for a long time.
I had been awake for hours, just lying on the bed, eyes open, taking in nothing. The old mattress underneath me creaked with every move. The only light in the room came from the moon, shooting a streak of white across the floor. The wool blanket covering me gets too hot. I kick it off. I lay there, too tired to focus on anything. Not tired enough to fall back asleep. In the back of my head, I didn’t feel safe.
I never did.
The events of the day kept repeating themselves in my mind. What we did with the old me… Trying to figure out anything about the plan… It made me restless. I eventually made up my mind that I would take a walk. Maybe with the exercise I could finally get some shut-eye and possibly forget what had just transpired just hours ago. My bare feet met the cold wood floor. I stood and circled the guest bedroom slowly, turning my vague attention to the paintings with long-dead subjects, the shelves of knickknacks, and lastly, the mirror on the wall.
My reflection startled me. I looked a lot older than I did a few weeks ago. Stubble was beginning to grow along the lower half of my face. Dark patches formed under my eyes. My hair was a mess, with random tufts shooting out of my scalp in weird angles.
Once I could stop looking at the strange visage, I went to the door, opened it, and stepped outside. I walked down the wide hallway in front of me, then the next, not caring where I was going. I traced my fingers along the stone walls as I walked. As I wandered, I wondered.
It seemed like we were always moving, never in the same place for more than a few days. It all reminded me of my time in the military. The Marines… my family was so proud when I got in. I missed home. I tried to remember where home was.
I had been travelling with the other three for… I had no idea. Weeks? Months? Years? It was impossible to tell. Time itself seemed to change when I was around... him.
He was so strange. It felt like he knew everything, and that he had complete confidence in his plan. Even so, he would never tell us anything about it. I had once tried to force something, anything out of him… he would never budge. He was always so sure about everything. I didn’t know if I hated him for that or not. At least knew what he was doing. We just followed him around, hoping…
My thoughts were interrupted by a sound emanating from a few doors down the hall. I could recognize it as someone crying. I stopped for a second, confused and a bit concerned, but still went to investigate. I gulped as I drew nearer to where the noise was coming from. I hesitated when I got to the door, but mustered up some strength and opened it tentatively. And what was waiting for me on the other side was…surprising, to say the least.
Doctor Edward Richtofen, the proud, confident, self-proclaimed ‘man with a plan’ was quietly sobbing. He was seated at a desk in the far corner of the room, elbows propping up his bent head, wiping his eyes with his palms. He looked pathetic compared to his usual stoic demeanor.
As the door opened, its hinges creaked. Richtofen went silent for a moment and slowly craned his head in my direction. The only source of light in the room came from the moon, so it was hard to see, but I could make out the redness of his face. His eyes met mine in a strange moment of vulnerability that made my skin crawl. He turned away, embarrassed.
I tried to think of something to say, something to ease the tension, but my humor failed me. I honestly thought I would never be in that kind of situation. How do you console someone you never saw fail, or even falter? I felt like I had crossed an invisible boundary. I turned to leave.
“Wait. Don’t go.”
I stood there awkwardly in the doorway. I felt odd. The whole situation was, and I didn’t like it.
The man turned in his chair, eyes glancing around the small space. “This was my old room. Back when I worked for… Group 935.” He winced at the name. “I don’t know why I chose to sleep in here. It brought back some… painful memories.” From what had transpired over the past few weeks, I knew that wasn’t the whole of it.
“You don’t have to cover it up, doc. I… we know you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“Many worlds, yes.” The doctor let out a dark chuckle that turned into a sigh.
“You can talk to me. About anything.”
“I don’t think I trust you enough to tell you much.”
Instead of being angry about this like I usually was, I tried reasoning. “I’ve already seen you bawling like a baby. I think we’ve both seen each other’s bad sides by now.”
“Oh, I have definitely seen your bad side.” The remark called me back to the time I confronted him. A small wave of guilt washed over me. “I don’t think you’d like what I had to say. It would make things worse.”
“I don’t care.” My exasperated sigh of a sentence filled the silent room.
“What do you mean?”
“Just- tell me what’s on your mind.” I leaned against the doorframe.
There was a long pause.
“Well… I barely understand the workings of the Key or that… damned book. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I understand. They almost seem to be working against me.” Another sigh, longer this time. More tired. “I don’t know if I can do it. There’s just too many variables. Too much room for error. Our enemy is stronger than you can imagine.” The words seemed to hurt him as he said them out loud.
“Why does this have to be on you? Why can’t we help? It seems like-”
Richtofen raised his voice a little too loudly. “Because I’m the only one who can do anything about it!” Silence. “I’m sorry. I’m just so…”
“Tired?”
“Yes… tired. Of everything, of this whole…situation.” He gestured wildly with his arms. I wish everything was back to the way it was. Before you three showed up. Before…” he trailed off. I could feel his anguish coming from his words, and I felt sorry for him. But his words reminded me of what I was dealing with.
“I wish I knew what that was.”
Richtofen’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve been forgetting where I… where I’m from. What my family looks like. I wish I had pictures so that I could remember. I guess I’ve been away for so long, but it doesn’t-”
“I’m sorry. This is my fault. Element 115… it can cause memory loss.” He buried his head in his hands. “This is all my fault…” It came out as a groan.
I took a step towards him. “You didn’t ask for this, doc. The terrible things some other guy did is not you. I know that much.”
His head shot up, eyes trained on me. “But he is me! We’re connected! We’re the same! We are forever linked, and I have to clean up the mess he made because he is me! Damn it all!” He stood up abruptly, grabbed a pencil off the desk, and hurled it across the room in one swift motion. It made a sharp sound against the brick wall and clattered to the floor.
The doctor just stood there, motionless. He began to cry again.
I staggered over to where he was and wrapped my arms around him. After a few moments, I could feel him heaving and shuddering into my shoulder.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Tank’s here… It’ll be alright. We’ll figure this out together… It’s okay, Dempsey’s here.” I patted him awkwardly on the back.
He reciprocated the embrace. “Thank you, Dempsey,” he said in between sobs. “You were always my favorite. I wish I could figure this out, but-”
“Shhh. Don’t think about it.”
Neither of us wanted to let go. When I loosened my grip, he held on even tighter. I resolved to never let him go, either. I needed him, and he needed me.
I am never letting him go.
● ● ●
We were lying on the queen-sized bed, eyes up at the ceiling, thinking and talking about anything.
“I never really knew my parents. They died when I was young. I wish I knew them. I wish I remembered what they looked like. Is it possible to miss someone you never really knew? I felt so lost without them… until I met Maxis. I was… sixteen? Eighteen? It doesn’t matter. He was the first person… since their deaths… to show me kindness. He shared his love of science. He was like a father to me.”
I sat up in the bed after having a sudden realization. “I got a girl back home. I just remembered that. Long brown hair, beautiful green eyes...by God, she’s beautiful…”
“I almost envy you. I was always too busy working with Maxis. And when I wasn’t, my nose was always in a book.”
“Bullshit.”
“I was! And besides, I was penniless. And I couldn’t talk to a woman… oh, how do you say in English… to save my life.”
“I’d bet there was a girl who’d take a chance on you.”
Richtofen sighed in what I would figure out to be resignation.
“There was… one girl I knew. Her name was Clara. Sie war ein Engel… I miss her terribly sometimes.”
“How long ago was that?”
“I must have been twenty, twenty-two. I met her while I was at University. She worked at the library. How fitting, for someone like me.”
“Hey, it works out.”
“We bonded over literature. We would talk about our favorite authors for hours. I would describe what Maxis and I were working on in the lab, even when I shouldn’t have. I think I may have bored her quite a few times, looking back. She loved poems. I tried to write one- for her-“
“Ah, so we’ve got a poet in the group! I’ll keep that in mind,” I teased.
“I couldn’t put two words together.”
“Hm. Well… do you think she was the one?”
“What?” He seemed to tense up.
“Woah, relax, man. Like, the one to marry.”
“Oh. Well, I couldn’t tell you, we weren’t together for very long. But… yes, I think she was ‘the one’.” Richtofen seemed to be in a faraway place, imagining their lives together. “We were together for a few weeks, then…”
“What happened?”
“She left. She stopped showing up at the library. I never knew what happened to her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“She probably just quit her job and didn’t want to continue our relationship. If there even was one…”
“Hey, don’t say that. I think you’re a real stand-up guy.”
“What does that mean?”
“…to be honest, I don’t really know. That you’re a good guy, I dunno.”
He chuckled. “Thank you, I guess?”
“For me, I’ve only been in two…serious…relationships. Phoebe… Her name was Pheobe! Or, is, I mean…” There was a long pause.
“Does she even know I’m gone? And for how long? Am I ever gonna be able to go back? I mean, am I ever gonna…see her again?”
“I… don’t know Dempsey. I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you that everything will go as planned and we’ll all go back to our normal lives once this is over, but… I really don’t know if the world will be the same as we’ve left it.”
“So that means…?”
“To hell if I know. Everything’s turned to… candy.” He threw his hands in the air in exasperation. There was a long pause.
“But let me say this…I'm not doing this just for myself. I love you, Dempsey. I really do. I want to set things right, and I want to make sure that you’re safe.”
“I love you too, doc. I hope you can do the right thing. I hope we all get out of this okay.”
“You have no idea what that means to me, Dempsey.” He began to tear up.
“Hey, don’t get all mushy on me-!”
“We just said ‘I love you’ to each other! What other reaction is appropriate?!”
“That’s fair.”