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The moment I saw those dark chocolate eyes I knew I was screwed.
I was a pretty bad guy, I’ll admit that. I mean, I crushed a muffin for no reason. I can’t even imagine how you saw any good in me. What was I even trying to prove? There was probably a reason in my head that I can’t even think of anymore, I can’t even think about hurting you anymore.
I was pretty mean to your friend, Buffy, and I honestly have no good reason for doing that, and I really am sorry. I was insecure, a girl was better than I could ever be: smarter than me, better at basketball than me (I’ll admit), and was and is a better friend to you than I could have ever been. I mean, I could see how good of a friend she was when she would tutor me if I helped you get a muffin. A muffin. But I guess I kind of have to thank her for it, because when you think about it, this all started because of a chocolate chocolate chip muffin.
When you called me a “scary basketball guy”, not gonna lie, I was kind of crushed. Was that what people saw when they looked at me? When a nice guy like you says that, someone who has songs for the swings and slide, that’s probably when I started to want to change for the better. I think you always pushed out the better in me Cyrus. Swinging helped, but I think you helped the most.
You asked me to come to your bar mitzvah, and you were nice about it, even though I was the same person that was so mean to your friend. I was so touched, you invited me even though we didn’t talk that much, and I was glad you had even thought about me. I had to say yes, you were probably the first person who had talked to me because I was a person, not because I was cool or they were afraid of me.
Hell, I could even ask you for advice. I think a lot of people around you usually doubted you, but I thought you were the coolest and nicest person I ever met. You’re strong, probably not in the sense you think. You carry and hold your friendships together, and you helped me even though your friends might be mad at you.
I was feeling horrible that day against the raptors, it was probably one of the most humiliating days ever. Yet it was probably still okay, because you were there, you helped me. I would probably have been annoyed if it was anybody else, but you were special, I didn’t want to chase you off. I could actually talk to you, and I didn’t want to ruin that so early.
I told you everything about my dyscalculia, even though I was so ashamed about it. Why was it that with you, I could say everything? I was ready for you to laugh at me, but then you said there was nothing wrong with me, and I think that’s when everything clicked because, if there was really something so wrong with me, why would a person as good as you be talking to me?
Then Buffy moved away, and I could see how much you guys cared about her, you put a time capsule to hold her seat. Even though it was realy dumb, I still apologized, to a time capsule , just so I could sit with you, and get on the good side of at least one of your friends. Things got kind of awkward, I saw you were uncomfortable, so I took the opportunity to help you with your “physical issue”. I took you to learn to do a somersault, and I didn’t give up on you, because you didn’t give up on me. You believed in me, so the least I can do is believe in you. We have to get to the rest of your list soon. (P.S, you have to come back to the gym, the kids loved you, they ask about you all the time.)
When I got that C, you were the first person I wanted to tell. That wouldn’t have been possible without you, because when you believed in me, I started to believe in me too. When I told you you looked so happy that I knew it was worth it. If I could make you proud of me everything would be fine.
But not everything was fine. Buffy came back, and was still mad, and I knew I could never really be good friends with you until I fixed things with her, so we made a plan. I know I was supposed to lose, but I hope you wouldn’t be mad if I said I would have rather won if I got to get a hug from you, even if Buffy was still mad.
Listen Cyrus, I came up with that apology on the spot , so I really have no idea how that worked. But it did, and I could now be your friend without any troubles. But by now I feel like I really don’t just want to be your friend…
Buffy started her basketball team and I helped her, little steps towards redemption. (Btw, you still owe me that muffin)
I invited you to hang out with my friends, honestly only because they wanted to see who it was that I was talking about 24/7. I was happy to show you how to ride a bike, and maybe it wasn’t a little thing, but I’m glad that I helped you do something you probably never thought you could do. Still, inviting you wasn’t that good of a decision, and I’m so sorry I put you in danger like that. I would do anything to take that day back.
We didn’t talk for a while after that, and it was horrible. I dropped Reed and Lester after that, not wanting to be with people that could put people in danger. For the first time, I was actually alone, but that wasn’t the worst part: I disappointed you, and I didn’t know if I could even get you back. I even reported them for christ's sake, all just for you; I didn't want to disappoint you any further. But, I would have understood if you dropped me. Yet you didn’t.
I stopped by the swings everyday with no luck. I guess I was pretty desperate huh. I mean, I couldn’t get you alone, with your bodyguards and what not, and I get it, they just want to do the best for you. But seriously, I was literally starting to give up. The one thing I really cared about, the one person I would stay with in thick and thin, was going to be gone, when you and even just your friendship was the most important thing to me.
I went to the swings one last time, to say farewell, and you were there, a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I finally had my chance to finally apologize! And yet I couldn’t even do that, am I that dumb? But you got what I was trying to say, you always do, because seriously, you’re the only person I can talk to without feeling even a bit ashamed or embarrassed. I told you I reported the gun, because I wanted you to be proud of me again, god, I missed that feeling, and your smile, the smile that told me everything was alright because you weren’t mad at me.
You may not know this, but me telling Jonah about my dyscalculia was probably one of the hardest things to do. Saying something so humiliating to someone I hardly know made me want to barf, even if it was getting better. With you there though, it was a lot easier, because you reminded me that anyone could deal with this, and it was nothing to be ashamed about. You may have fears, but I do too, and you helped me overcome them as well.
You invited me to your Bubbe’s funeral, and I was glad and touched yet again that you wanted me to go when it was so into your personal life. You know I stayed up all night baking that challah, and then I was late because I didn’t wake up. But I guess it was ok, once you saw me you smiled, and any doubt in my mind is erased once I see your smile.
Things were going pretty well. I was so happy, and when I got that notification about costume day from Metcalf, I immediately thought of you. I really thought of something special for the two of us. Something so special that so one else would probably get, and that was basically our relationship in a nutshell. You loved the idea, so much that you would do it with me instead of your friends. I was estiatic, I looked for the “somer” as soon as I thought of the idea. But then everything changed once Kira got involved.
So you would rather do a costume with Cyrus than with me? Good luck with that.
When she said that, I felt weird. I knew how I felt about you, and I was glad if I could just be your friend, but was it too much? I was taking you away from your friends, and thought of a really personal costume between the two of us. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was like a couples costume, what would people think of that? People would ask us what our costume was, and what would we say?
Yeah, it’s our thing.
Your thing? What, are you guys dating?
I didn’t even think about that. I’ve been touchy, way too touchy for just a friend. God, what was I thinking? But it wasn’t even that. What would you think? I don’t even know if you even like boys, how would you feel if others said we were dating? If others thought we were dating? I figured it was best if you just did the costume with your friends, and I do it with Kira, like everyone would be expecting anyways.
So I dropped it. Without even calling or texting, I did the stupid double dribble costume with Kira. Which is really dumb by the way. I know you don’t know this, but a double dribble in basketball is an illegal move and a violation, just like the costume.
That morning I woke up with absolute dread. My mom literally had to drag me to school that day. I just couldn’t face you. Like at all. And I was right, the face you had when we showed you the costume was the worst, and I couldn’t believe it was because of me that it was there. I just wanted to tell you it was a prank, that I had our costume in the car so I could see your smile again, but no. It wasn’t a prank and I couldn’t change. I could hardly even tell you I was sorry before I was pulled away.
The weeks with Kira were the worst of my life, even worse than that week you didn’t talk to me after the gun. Because literally, she almost took me away from seeing you. She would literally tell me to do things, even if I didn’t want to, and just say yeah ‘cause you can’t and honestly it was in this time that I really hated my competitive side. Honestly, I hated myself. I could do nothing about Kira without making it seem like I liked you, and I really did, but I wasn’t ready for other people to know that yet. God, why is it so hard for me to do anything? You deserve someone better, someone who can stand up for themselves, because if not, who would stand up for you?
The next weeks went on and on, without me doing anything about it. That one day that I got to talk to you was like a light in a week of darkness, and the fact that you were talking to me at all was a miracle. I think it was you talking to me that didn’t let me lose hope, because you were still smiling at me, so everything was ok.
I helped Buffy because it was the right thing to do, the school seriously needs to get a program or help for injured students. And then I got in trouble for it, the school system is seriously broken. I told you, and you decided to defend me, like you always do. I don’t and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you waste your time on such a helpless person. But you do. And I will be forever grateful. You tried your best, but I still got punished, and gave you a ride anyways after. Quite honestly, I would do it over and over again if it means I get to see a smile on your face everyday.
I finally got to go to an infamous Andi Mack party, and I am so glad I did even if I ended up going with Kira. It seemed like you guys were having a really good time, I couldn’t stop smiling at how much fun you guys were having. But Kira, being the she-devil she is, starts laughing at the way you dance, and at that point I couldn’t deal with it anymore, because no Kira, it’s not funny, it’s cute, so if you could please leave, that would be great. And she did, getting the hint that yes, I choose you, it has always been you.
You guys had asked me to sing with you guys, and that was one of the best things over. It seems everyone is okay with me now, and none of that would have been possible without you.
After that you found me on a bench and asked to sit. You don’t even need to ask, you would always have a seat next to me. You didn’t know I played the piano, and I realize that there isn’t a lot you know about me. I say ask me anything (because I couldn’t possibly keep anything from you at this point). So you go straight for it, what does TJ stand for?
And I know I should probably be annoyed at that, but I think you’re the first person who actually wants to know, and the first person I actually want to tell, so I just say it straight out: TJ stands for, Thelonious Jagger . And you know what you say? You say you love that name and I believe it, because you are the only person in the world that could possibly love that name. Even when my cousins would laugh and make fun of me, you say you love that name, and that’s when I realize something too. I really need to tell you, because I can’t hold it in any further.
I move my hand closer to yours, is there anything else you want to know?
I look for some kind of discomfort in your face, but what I find instead is your smile, the smile you always gave me, the smile that always told me everything was going to be ok, the smile that told me right now that this was going to be ok too.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Yes, god yes, I’ve wanted to tell you since I found out my feelings for you in the first place. But this couldn’t be a one way street, is, there anything you want to tell me?
Yes.
With that one word all my doubts are lifted, all my fears about the world and what others would think about me gone. I sighed and intertwined our fingers, not caring there was a party raging on behind us. I look at you, and you’re still smiling, even wider than before, if that was even possible. I don’t know what we are, but I know what we have is something special, and I really hope it never goes away.
I’m glad you saw something in me when no one did, because now I have friends I never thought I’d have, and I have you, because I would never know who I would be and what I would do if I didn’t. And I don’t know if we’re too young, or if it’s too early, but I do know this. I’m in love with you Cyrus Goodman, and I can’t imagine a world that I don’t have you. So I guess all that I wanted to say was
Thank You.