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Why does every bizarre thing happen in 4am in the morning?
Things weren’t as simple as that. Juanito’s relationship with sleep was a weird and strained relationship. He could just accidentally fall asleep at 8 as soon as his body hits the bed, or he could sleep at 1am after working all night, or he just doesn’t sleep at all.
Placido probably even thinks that Juanito just slacks off whenever he sleeps in class.
And that brings Juanito back to the perpetrator of all things. 4am should be illegal for the great yet unlikely duo of Pelaez and Penitente.
“Grabe, parang makakatulog ka na.” Placido off-handedly commented, watching as Juanito’s eyes blink open and close as he intently stared at a book. “Mukha kang lasing.”
Soft laughter followed after that but Juanito couldn’t join in on the fun, because this fun clearly meant making fun. Making fun of him. He stifled a yawn.
Placido wasn’t laughing anymore. He weakly smiles as his tired hands start collecting his books and materials, a heavily practiced and unspoken-of routine of him going home after hours and hours of their study session in Juanito’s condo unit.
Study session comprised mostly of Juanito being distracted and not studying, him and Placido eating and chatting when things get boring, Juanito asking Placido a bunch of questions, Placido explaining a bunch of things, and Juanito pretending to read as Placido actually does.
This surely wasn’t their first 4am, but Juanito was almost certain that maybe this is a more different 4am, because, for the first time, he reached his hand out to grip at Placido’s wrist.
“Ah, teka, pwede ka naman sigurong matulog nalang dito muna.” Surely Juanito wasn’t right in the head this 4am, surely there was something in the McVanilla McIced McCoffee he and Placido had earlier, surely this 4am was a hallucination, because if Juanito could look closer (even closer, even closer, even closer) at Placido, he could see how he was considering the offer.
“Sure ka ba? ‘Di pa naman ako inaantok, makakauwi ako ng ayos.”
“Oo,” Juanito was definitely delirious, “ayos— ayos lang. For sure. Wala naman akong problema at— at malaki kama ko kasi masyadong malaki yung unit na nabili ni dad.”
Placido narrows his eyes, silently challenging Juanito. “Seryoso, Placidings, okay lang.”
“Tanga ka ba o masyado ka lang inaantok? Wala akong damit.”
“Edi ipapahiram kita ng akin… Unless ayaw mo talaga?”
Silence.
Juanito had surely lost his mind because he thinks he heard Placido say yes. He looks expectantly at Placido to confirm again.
“Hay nako,” Placido sighs “Oo na nga. Kahit ano, bahala ka na.”
Bizarre things happen in Juanito’s life, but it’s never at the light of day. It was almost as if the universe is telling him that there must be no other witness other than him, and dare he say that it’s a bit selfish and unfair.
After a long argument that Placido should sleep on the bed too because of Juanito’ messy couch, Placido first showers (in his bathroom, his bathroom, his bathroom). Juanito showers next and emerges to Placido awkwardly sitting by the edge of the bed, a book in hand. Almost as if he was trying to distract himself from everything by studying.
Juanito sleepily rubs his eyes as he stumbles into the bed, “Hindi ka pa ba inaantok?”
“Parang gulat na gulat ka ah? As if naman first time kong magpuyat.”
“Wala lang. Inaantok na ako eh.”
“Hindi ibig sabihin non na aantukin na rin ako.” Placido gives him a light-hearted (yet tired) smile.
They both lie down. On the same bed. Juanito lying down next to his bestfriend, slash, crush, slash person he’s in love with that probably doesn’t feel the same way.
Juanito should’ve thought this through. But then again, he reasons to himself, could he have even been able to at 4am?
They face the ceiling in silence, afraid to move an inch. Placido’s quiet steady breathing made Juanito realize that he had been holding his in for some time. Almost as if he was nervous.
Juanito wonders if Placido would’ve agreed to sleep here if he had known that he liked him.
It was Placido who moved first, facing his back to Juanito. “Sanay na akong late matulog, kaya ‘di ako agad agad inaantok.”
“Ano ginagawa mo ng gantong oras ng gabi?”
“Nag-aaral.” Juanito moved to also lie down on his sides. Placido would definitely feel the bed shifting.
“Lang?”
A silence followed Juanito’s question. Juanito could’ve fallen asleep then and there, his eyes dangerously drooped lower and lower.
What had he gotten himself into this night?
Juanito wonders if Placido would’ve agreed to sleep here if he had known that he was gay.
Did Placido even know that he was gay? He doesn’t even remember coming out to him, or maybe he was just too sleepy to remember. He was maybe about 75% sure that he hadn’t come out yet, not like he knew how percentages worked at this point.
“Paminsan, nag-iisip lang. Pero parating mag-isa.”
Juanito didn’t know what to respond at this point so he let the conversation die. He briefly wondered if Placido would be able to sleep tonight at all.
“Bakit mo ako,” a beat, “pinatulog dito?”
Juanito’s body tensed a bit. He desperately hoped to God (if he was even out there) that Placido wouldn’t notice.
Would Placido be disgusted if he had found out that Juanito was gay? Would things have been any different?
For a moment, Juanito considers what would’ve happened if Juanito confessed then and there, if he said that he’d been in love with Placido for so long he had forgotten when it started, that maybe for one delirious night, he could’ve pretended that he had a chance.
But these are the thoughts that 4am wouldn’t consider, no matter how absurd the situation was; Juanito lying next to his bestfriend who’s wearing his clothes, faced back to back, in his bed, in his condo unit, in the dark.
God, he was so sleepy.
His answer must’ve taken so long. “Hindi ko rin alam eh. Siguro trip ko lang, siguro masyado akong inantok, siguro ito talaga ginagawa ng 4am sa mga tao.” He must’ve said too much because Placido didn’t say anything. “Bakit ka pumayag?”
“Pinapayag mo ‘ko.”
“Okay.” Juanito uncomfortably shifts around a bit, careful not to touch Placido at all (maybe a bit afraid that Placido would be repulsed). His voice gets softer and more sleepy, “Ano mga iniisip mo ng ganitong oras?”
Ah!— Teka!
4am makes you ask dumb questions just like that. Juanito thinks that he can definitely die at 4am, in fact, he gladly would. His sleep-intoxicated and hazy state of mind must’ve made a mistake to ask that, but it was too late to take back.
Not like 4am will allow you to.
It took quite a while, Juanito thinks that he had probably fallen asleep when he finally heard Placido’s soft voice. Was his voice soft because he spoke softer? Or was it because Juanito had already fallen asleep?
“Marami. Buhay. Iniisip ko buhay ko. Kung ano gagawin ko, kung ano ginagawa ko.”
A beat. And another. Placido also probably thought that Juanito had gone to sleep. He continued to speak.
“Masyado akong nag-aalala. Pero iba sa pag-aalala mo. Napapatahimik ako, napapatigil ako sa kaba, na para bang ‘di ako makagalaw. Parang ‘di ako makagalaw sa sarili kong buhay. At napapagod na ako. Minsan iniisip ko kung gaano na ako kapagod mag-isip nang mag-isip. Kung gaano na ako kapagod mabuhay. Pero wala akong magagawa, kasi hindi ako makagalaw.”
Placido shifts, lying down on his back and facing the darkness. It was quiet and still in the bedroom, except for the sounds of cars moving past. “Hay nako, bakit mo ba kasi ako pinatulog dito. Pero buti’t ‘di ako mag-isa,” he says to Juanito, not expecting a reply. The darkness was enough of a response for Placido. “Kung umasta ka parang ako lang laging pagod o nag-aalala. Napapansin ko rin kaya pag nag-aalala ka. Hindi ka mapakali, hindi tulad ko… Ikaw, ano kayang mga iniisip mo ng ganitong oras?”
At this point, Juanito was very certain that this is a more different 4am.
Juanito didn’t fully understand every single thing Placido had said, his muddled mind clung on Placido’s every word after word after everything. He didn’t know what to say, but he was sure he hadn’t thought it through properly yet. Half-asleep, he didn’t even have his eyes open as he spoke softly into the darkness before promptly fully falling asleep.
“Placidings— alam mo namang bakla ako diba?”
Juanito had long accepted the moment he got in bed that his life was meant to simultaneously begin and fall apart at 4am.
4am was that time that made you feel as if the world didn’t exist and that anything you said or thought wouldn’t have any repercussion. 4am could make you feel the most alive yet the most dead. There were things that Juanito and Placido were sure they shouldn’t have said or thought, but hey, those were the exact things that 4am would wash up to the very back of your mind and make you forget.