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He didn’t like sleeping, not one bit.
He didn’t know if it was because he was left in the dark for so damn long or because sleeping warped his already horrible memories and turned them into barely manageable nightmares.
Sure, he slept. It was the easiest to sleep when he was in Lawrence’s arms and the easiest to sleep when he blacked out into a dreamless sleep, still exhausted when he woke up. So yeah, he slept, but not even Lawrence could keep the nightmares away, at least not completely.
They always started the same, with him waking up in the bathtub, drenched in cold water, and the key to his ankle chain being sucked down the tub drain. Then the dream would warp and distort itself, making it worse and worse for him each time he dreamed. At first, his dreams replayed exactly what happened, then slowly over time the dreams would make him see chains around both ankles and wrists, or sometimes he might’ve been in a different place in the room with a different challenge. But almost every time, he was alone and the door would be shut.
Lawrence would never come for him.
Except for in one dream. There was one dream where the door would be opened again after months of darkness and loneliness, and standing in the impaling light was his knight in shining armor, his prince charming: Lawrence Gordon.
He cherishes this dream. He forces himself to remember it after enduring a torturing nightmare because he knows that he can’t wake Lawrence up every single time he can’t sleep or every single time he has a panic attack. Even though Lawrence insists that he wants to be woken up to be there for him, that he doesn’t care if he’s woken up or how long he’s up for, he just wants to be there for him, Adam refuses to wake him up unless he feels like he really needs him. Because if he were to wake him up every time, it’d be every night and he couldn’t bare it if Lawrence were annoyed with him.
Often nights, just like tonight, Lawrence and Adam would be cuddling on the couch, Lawrence holding Adam by the waist and Adam’s head on his chest, and Lawrence would be trying to convince him that they should probably move to the bed and get some sleep. Adam, though, insists that they stay up on the couch and enjoy each other’s company.
“I have work in the morning…”
“Then sleep, I’ll stay up.”
“Adam. That’s not very healthy.”
“Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean-”
“Please just come to bed.”
With an annoyed sigh, Adam would do what Lawrence asked because he couldn’t say ‘no’ to him. No matter what he told himself, he knew it was because Lawrence cared about his well-being despite him knowing of his nightmares. So they’d go to bed and lay down just how they had been on their couch, except Adam would have the room to turn in Lawrence’s arms and bury his face in the crook of his neck for that extra warmth and comfort.
Lawrence fell asleep soon after like every time, leaving Adam alone to his thoughts. Adam would think of a variety of things to keep his mind away from the central topic, such as how much he loves Lawrence or when he might be able to get a job next. He couldn’t go back to his old job- it’s what caused him to be put in the bathroom in the first place. Besides, the flashes the camera gives him sparks anxiety within him, so the camera is put away, just not thrown out.
Not yet.
He’d fall asleep eventually, wrapped in his lover’s warmth and love, and sometimes- sometimes- he’d wake up, still tired, but happy he was able to make it through the night without terror. Still, this was only about a month after the incident- that’s probably why Lawrence wasn’t annoyed with him yet, he figured- he was afraid he’d be like this forever. A scared boy instead of his old, cocky self. He had told himself many times that Jigsaw had broken his already cracked self, that not even Lawrence can put him back together, and that he’ll probably die alone. Lawrence had actually told himself that as well, but over time they both came to realize: Just having each other is enough to keep each other whole.
So as Lawrence would sleep, Adam would get through the night alone, pass out by the time Lawrence got up, and all the while he’d have himself remember that Lawrence was always going to be there even if he couldn’t believe it sometimes.