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Max feels as though he’s coming undone, everything is suddenly too much but not enough at all. Without the rush of the season on his heels, he feels uncomfortably unburdened and he finds himself staying up late into the night despite his exhaustion. Everything is hazy and he winds up getting offline before long, staring up at the hotel room ceiling unable to sleep. His phone rings, but he ignores it; sure it’s just another drunk Red Bull employee congratulating him on the podium finish.
When the phone rings not once but twice more, he decides to check. His heart stops as he looks at Daniel’s smiling face, he wants to see the Aussie. He knows the desire to see Dan is childish, his father’s words echoing in his head as he lets the phone ring to completion. Daniel doesn’t call again, but Max’s phone starts buzzing with texts instead. He can’t handle this, can’t handle Daniel caring, so he turns his phone off and throws it to the ground beside his bed.
He wishes everything would stop, that in his whirlwind of a life there was some kind of normal. He always feels calm with Dan, but he knows he can’t be too close to the other man; he’s already far too emotionally invested as it is.
Max doesn’t register getting up but suddenly he finds himself in the bathroom, harsh fluorescent lights shining against his pale skin. He figures he should be happy, he’d gotten second after all. Instead his father’s words beat around his head, the only place that matters is first . His gaze falls on the small knife he left sitting on the counter, he really shouldn’t.
As he picks up the knife, he doesn’t have to wonder what his father would say. His father doesn’t care, as long as Max keeps winning races it doesn’t matter how he copes. Some people hurt others, and some people hurt themselves. Instead his mind goes to Daniel, he wonders if Daniel stopped trying to get ahold of him; maybe Dan is getting worried, but Max thinks that’s unlikely.
He sits down on the side of the tub and strips his clothes, revealing the long scars and scabs which adorn his thighs. His hand doesn’t shake as he cuts the skin, the pierce of the blade doesn’t sting like he knows it should. The blood takes a moment to seep out, it’s slow, barely breaching the surface and Max doesn’t feel satisfied. He brings the knife down again, cutting three lines in succession, each one deeper than the one before.
By the time he’s made the fifth cut, blood is seeping to the floor. He realizes he cut to deep but instead of trying to stop the flow of blood all Max can do is stare as blood trickles out of the wound quickly, too quickly. His skin looks so pretty like this, covered in blood. He wonders if Daniel would love him if he saw Max like this, weak and crying in a hotel bathroom.
He doesn’t have to wonder because through his haze he didn’t hear his door opening and suddenly the bathroom door is bursting open and Daniel is falling through the doorway. His eyes are wide and frantic, only becoming more panicked as they take in Max’s bloody state. “Max, you idiot.” Max feels himself being lowered to the floor and he watches as Daniel presses a towel against Max’s leg. The blood is seeping through the towel and Max can feel Daniel’s heart rate increase.
Daniel’s eyes are full of fear and Max hates that he’s the one who put that there, hates that he’s made Dan sad. “M-sorry Dan. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t-” Dan quiets him, pulling Max close and continuing to press down on the seeping wounds. “Please don’t tell ‘nyone.” Max doesn’t even know what he’s asking for anymore, but he knows if Christian finds out his father would be outraged.
“Hey, you don’t need to be sorry for anything Max okay? And I won’t say a word, my lips are sealed. You do however have to talk to me about it in return. Not right now but later.” Max nods against Daniels chest, he suddenly realizes how tired he is. His body is heavy, and he lets Dan support his weight. He doesn’t know how long they sit like that, but eventually Daniel moves to collect first aid supplies.
Dan is gentle as he cleans out Max’s wounds, Max simply watches with a dazed fascination as he takes in the warmth in Daniel’s gaze. As if he senses Max’s eyes on him, Daniel meets his gaze with shining eyes. He looks exhausted, but Max is sure that Daniel may as well be a model compared to him right now. A sentiment which doesn’t really matter, Max always thinks that Daniel looks absolutely stunning .
Once he’s been bandaged, Daniel helps Max stand and they walk together to the bedroom. He doesn’t want to let go of Daniel, instead he pushes closer to the older driver. Daniel helps him onto the bed and goes to move away but Max only tightens his grip on Dan’s arm. Dan looks at him questioningly and Max can’t find his voice so he portrays as much emotion into his stare as he can. Dan understands, “I’ll be right back, I’m just gonna clean up the bathroom and turn off the lights, okay?” Max figures that makes sense so he nods. He doesn’t sleep, despite the tiredness eating away at him. Instead he sits still, waiting for Daniel to return as he watches the door.
When Daniel finally does return he doesn’t seem very surprised to find Max waiting for him. Instead he turns of the light and pulls his shirt and jeans off and makes his way to the other side of the bed, sliding underneath the covers and looking to Max expectantly in the dark. Max shakily pushes himself under the covers, trying not to show how desperately he wants to feel connected to Daniel. He looks over at the Aussie and Dan rolls his eyes, opening his arms up for Max to cuddle into. Max hesitates for only a second before latching on to Daniel. Sighing contently as he settles into Daniel’s warmth and lets himself drift off to sleep.
Tomorrow he could worry about the rest of the world, tonight he was just going to exist.