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Life had never come easy to Seungyoun. Life was ruthless, unexpected, sometimes cruel, sometimes beautiful.
Produce happened, and came with both sides. It came with friendships, tears, hard work, pain and smiles. But most important of all, with it came Kim Wooseok.
-
Seungyoun still thinks that if it wasn’t for them being teammates in Love Shot, someone like Wooseok wouldn’t have spared him a glance, not in a million years. Wooseok is calm, collected, delicate and effortlessly beautiful, and he’s the other side of the coin.
This is why he’s more than surprised when, after settling for him as the center, Wooseok came looking for him, asking for help with the choreography. Seungyoun thinks he didn’t need any help, but he agrees nonetheless. He knows well the restlessness that comes with being the experienced one.
They dance for hours, cleaning every fine detail of the choreography, rehearsing over and over. Time ticks away, and that’s how they end up sitting with their backs against the mirrors at 3AM, together but not too close- not just yet. Their breathing heavy and their limbs sprawled.
Seungyoun has an arm thrown over his face, but he can feel Wooseok’s eyes on him, in some way.
He’s about to give in and talk to the other first, until eventually Wooseok speaks up.
“How are you?” This was unexpected. He has to think for a second before throwing out a simple “Good. Everything’s fine.” Except it’s not really fine. He’s a mildly unknown trainee, trying to survive through the most ruthless program Korea has ever created. He’s still covering his face so he didn’t have to think about his facial expression betraying him.
“What about you?” he adds, not to sound rude.
Silence. “I asked you first.” Wooseok says. “Now tell me the truth.”
Seungyoun puts down his arm and looks questioningly at the other. “I’m not lying.” Yes, I am. “I’m a bit tired, but aren’t we all? It’s 3am and we’re stranded in a practice room while everyone else is sleeping.”
Wooseok looks away. “I’m tired too. but i don’t mean this.” He says, and then points to his head. “I mean this.”, he sighs. “I know you’re like us. Like me. You might have decided to play the role of the funny, hyperactive one, but I feel like you know the feeling too.”
Seungyoun looks at him, properly this time. “What do you mean?”
“Failure. Knowing your life is crumbling down in front of you, and you can’t do anything about it. You’re powerless.”
The other exhales shakily. There’s something about Wooseok, something raw, that he can’t process. He didn’t look like the untouchable, doll-eyed prince anymore. In that exact moment, he looked real. It felt overwhelming and Seungyoun really, really wants to cry.
But he doesn’t. Crying this early into the program would be bad. He doesn’t even know if this room has cameras, if they’re turned on or not. And he has to maintain his image, one way or another. He wants and has to stay positive. And he doesn’t wanna look weak to Wooseok, for some reason; but he doesn’t wanna lie to him either. After debating with himself for a bit, he decides to reply.
“I know. This is the last chance for me. For real.” He looks down, unable to hold eye contact while talking about his feelings. He’s always full of pretty, comforting words for everyone, but he has never been good at telling others how he feels. “I thought the world was against me, I thought everything was meaningless for such a long time. There were dark days, but there were good days too. Because this is what i want. This is the life i want.”
He feels almost breathless when he finished his monologue, but he looks up and really, really looks at Wooseok. The other is looking at him too, slightly smiling. His round glasses are sitting on his nose, and Seungyoun notices they slide a bit down when he smiles. It’s endearing, everything about Wooseok is endearing.
“I see.” he replies, with a small nod. “I’m glad i got to see a bit of the real you tonight.” Then, he stands up, and holds out a hand for the other to take. Even his hands are pretty, he can’t help but think.
He takes his hand, and the other helps him up. “Let’s go to bed.”
Seungyoun can’t help but feel a little dazed by the encounter. After holding Wooseok’s hand, even if it was for only a bunch of seconds, he realises he’s screwed. It took almost nothing to fall.
-
If Seungyoun thought falling for Wooseok was easy when the only thing tying them were quick greetings and pleasantries, it was simply impossible not to once you actually got to know him.
After their heartfelt conversation, they seem to gravitate towards each other effortlessly. It isn’t about attraction anymore- it’s no secret that Wooseok is attractive. He’s that and everything more. Seungyoun still has no idea why the other decided to approach him that night. Or the nights after, or every other time Wooseok trusted him enough to open up and blurt out his raw, uncensored feelings.
Being trusted by Wooseok meant seeing his most delicate and vulnerable side. One he didn’t like showing to anyone, he says. Anyone but him, apparently. He thought about the reason; maybe it was his tendency to help others, maybe it was his empathy. But in reality he has no idea.
Seungyoun asked him once. With so many people to choose from, to connect with. One hundred people. Out of them all, “Why me?”
“Because you feel real.” he had replied. “Because I feel that I can let down my walls when i’m with you.”
Then, he took his hand, and intertwined their fingers. Seungyoun, overwhelmed by Wooseok’s sincerity, held it tighter, and just kept looking at their joined hands. He hears the other’s soft voice again. “I wish you’d let them down too.”
And he does. It had been a long time since he felt such a strong connection to someone else, too used to holding everything in, and channelling his breakdowns into music. Music that was often deleted, feelings repressed and forgotten. He had forgotten how it felt to actually feel.
And between exhaustion, dark thoughts, uncertainty, and hope, tears fell down easily. But having each other, having Wooseok close to him, wiping them, made everything different. The walls were crumbling and Seungyoun didn’t know how to build them again.
-
Then, position evaluation day comes. Seungyeon enters the waiting room after being on stage, feeling breathless but still giddy because of the successful performance his team had put together. He catches Wooseok’s gaze out of the corner of his eye, and feels the other looking at him. He’s preparing for his turn to sing, and making sure the details of his performance are all perfect. He knows how much Wooseok stressed over this performance, being busy teaching the kids how to sing properly and practising himself.
The vocal group walks close to them while heading out, and Seungyoun lightly brushes Wooseok’s shoulder, mouthing a fighting!, to which the other replied with one of his signature close-lipped little smiles.
While Wooseok performs, Seungyoun is hypnotized. When he watches Wooseok, he always feels like he’s under a spell. He couldn’t help but get a little emotional, hearing the other sing about things they always talked about and struggled with. He sees the other’s eyes, so bright even while cloudy because of the unshed tears. Wooseok is a tornado and seungyoun is being swept away.
The first alarm bell comes during the speech. Everything seems okay, until Wooseok’s voice cracks and the first tear falls. Seungyoun sits immediately straighter, ready to bolt and run on the stage, if only he was allowed to. Wooseok crying on national broadcast was meant that he really wasn’t okay. He always told him that pity was the thing he hated the most. One of his teammates, little Dohyon, noticing his distress, puts a hand on his thigh, trying to comfort him. He tries to smile but the younger can probably tell it doesn’t really reach his eyes like the usual.
Then the group for To My Youth comes back, but there’s no trace of Wooseok. He hears Jinhyuk ask Minkyu where he was, but no one can reply. They tell them he just fled after they stepped out of the stage.
Seungyoun is on his feet in a second. Before running off, he looks at Jinhyuk, silently asking him whether it’s okay for him to go or not. In the end, Jinhyuk has known him for years- nothing compared to the short time they’ve known each other.
Jinhyuk smiled and shook his head. “Go, Seungyoun. If there’s someone he wants to see right now, it’s you.”
Had it been a normal situation, he probably would’ve dwelled on the other’s words until his brain shut down. But he only had one thing in mind: finding Wooseok before he started spiraling down into dark, unwanted thoughts.
He checks every room, every corner, but Wooseok is nowhere to be found. After looking everywhere and still not finding him, panic starts to kick in, along with every worst case scenario playing in his head. Until he miraculously hears sniffling from a hidden, small bathroom. He’d recognize those sounds anywhere. That was Wooseok.
He enters calmly and silently, trying not to scare the other, but at the sound of the door opening, the sniffles cease. A beat of silence, and then a soft “Seungyoun?” echoes through the small room from one of the stalls.
Seungyoun doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry with the newly acknowledged fact that in the midst of his breakdown, the first person Wooseok thought about was him. But he has no time to do either. His first priority was him, always him.
“Yes, Seok. It’s me. Can you let me in?” he asks softly. He’s walking on needles, but he needs to look at the other to make sure he’s alright or else he’d go crazy.
“No,” Wooseok replies from behind the door. “I’m ugly right now.”
“You’re not,” Seungyoun says. “You’ll never be ugly to me. Why don’t you let me in?” he asks, knowing for sure that wasn’t the real reason. He has seen Wooseok in way worse situations, without makeup, with bed hair, with tears running down his face, and never once did Seungyoun think he was anything close to ugly.
He hears the other try to suppress another wave of tears. “I don’t want you to see me like this. I- I lost control.” he sniffles.
Seungyoun places his forehead against the stall door. “You told me that you wanted me to put down my walls. Don’t put yours up again. You might be scared, but it’s me. It’s just me. I’m here for you.” he pauses, catching his breath. “Always.”
After a few seconds, he hears the door unlocking. Taking that as an invitation to enter, he pushes the door and tries to fit in the cramped space.
He finds Wooseok sitting on the floor, shoulders hunched, his big, doe eyes staring at him, and his makeup all smudged. His heart breaks at the sight. He’s never really seen him so overwhelmed.
Seungyoun squats down, opens his arms, and smiles. Wooseok’s eyes become teary again, then, and he throws his arms around the other’s neck. Seungyoun catches him and holds him tight.
“The song was so sad,” he manages to blurt out between sobs, “I had no time to think about the lyrics and it hit at the wrong time and in the wrong way…” his voice trails off for a moment and he hugs Seungyoun closer, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry, you must be so tired and I’m keeping you here in a bathroom and I- I don’t know why I’m like this right now-”
Seungyoun unlatches himself from the hug and takes Wooseok’s small face in his hands, wiping away the tears with his thumbs. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Stop rambling and focus on me, okay?”
Wooseok nods. “It’s alright to feel emotional, and it’s alright to feel sad. We’re human, baby. It doesn’t mean that we’re weak. It means we’re human.” Wooseok nods again, and then drops his head on Seungyoun’s shoulder. He starts to tenderly stroke his hair to soothe him.
“When you’re ready, we can go back.” he says. Hearing a faint “okay”, he stands up, and offers his hand to Wooseok, just like the other did for him the first time.
Wooseok smiles, despite still teary, and takes it. They get out of the bathroom together, hand in hand, and they reunite with the other trainees, especially his teammates and Jinhyuk, who makes sure that Wooseok was okay.
Even while going back to the dorms, Seungyoun doesn't dare let go of Wooseok’s hand. They're sitting together, huddled in the back, the vocal’s head on the other’s shoulder. He's staring at nothing, apparently, and mindlessly playing with Seungyoun's fingers. It's painful to see him like this. Wooseok, always strong despite his pretty appearance, almost never losing control even when they're just the two of them. He doesn't know how to handle him, but he silently promises to himself to make him feel better, to make him feel loved and cared for.
And that's why when they're dropped off at the dorms, while everyone scurries to their respective rooms, Seungyoun drags Wooseok to one of the vacant rooms, where there's no cameras and no microphones. There are no rankings and no uniforms. It's just Seungyoun and Wooseok.
Wooseok looks around for a second, then sighs and sits on one of the lower bunk beds. “Thank you. I needed this.”
Seungyoun smiles. “I know. Now lie down, we need to rest.” He gestures for Wooseok to move closer to the wall, but he sees the playful expression on the other’s face before he hears his reply. “Who told you I want you here?” he says, with a little smirk.
Seungyoun fakes a hurt expression, putting a hand over his heart. “You wound me. I’m leaving.” He starts to jokingly walk to the door, but after just one step he hears Wooseok whine, urging him to come back.
Seungyoun turns back smiling and joins the other on the bed. It's a tight fit, but with Wooseok immediately clinging to Seungyoun, burying his head into his chest, the other with one hand smoothing down Wooseok’s spine as their limbs tangle together, they fit perfectly.
“How do you feel?” Seungyoun whispers, afraid to break the calmness of the moment.
“Better. Right now, I feel fine. I feel calm.” he hears the other inhale, and it feels a little wobbly, but he doesn't wanna push. He just holds him tighter. “I'm a little shaken up, though.”
“That's understandable. But I'm so proud of you, Wooseok. You were amazing on stage. I couldn't take my eyes off you.” Seungyoun confesses, earning a timid thank you from the other.
“I’m also happy that I can be here for you like this. Thank you for trusting me this much.” he continues, stroking lightly Wooseok’s hair. He hopes the other doesn't hear his frantic heartbeat.
Then Wooseok moves back a bit, to look into the other’s eyes. “I feel I'm not giving you anything back. I feel I'm only taking, taking and taking.” he says. He untangles an arm from their hug to caress Seungyoun's face lightly. “I’m sorry. Just know that I’m here for you too. Anytime, anywhere.”
“You’ve been essential to me, Wooseok,” he replies. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Being that close to the other, their faces barely millimeters apart, with their hearts completely open, there's only one thing Seungyoun dreams of doing. His gaze drops down to the other’s pretty, plump lips, a little puffy from all the crying.
But he can’t take advantage of the other’s vulnerable state. So he forces his gaze up again, meeting the other’s questioning eyes, and drops a fleeting kiss on Wooseok’s forehead. When he tilts his head down, Wooseok moves away enough to look at him, foreheads brushing before their noses do, and then their lips are again so close they can feel each other’s breathing.
“You’re a coward, Cho Seungyoun.” Wooseok says. “A big one.”
Seungyoun catches on immediately. “Are you sure you want this?” he asks, untangling an arm from their embrace just to cup Wooseok’s face. “You can back out. We can forget this happened.”
He sees- and feels, Wooseok let out a little sigh. And then his big, doe eyes are staring at him with an intensity he has never seen before.
“You know, for a person that’s so you, you get really insecure.” he says. “You have me right in front of you. I know you can read me better than anyone else.” He presses his forehead against Seungyoun’s. “What’s stopping you?”
Seungyoun knows it. He knows it perfectly. He knows that Wooseok wants him too, that what they have is one of a kind. He could’ve done this way before, and Wooseok would’ve reciprocated nonetheless. But, this is Wooseok. This is someone he doesn’t want to lose, no matter what.
“I get insecure about the things that really matter. The people that matter.”
At this, Wooseok looks a little taken aback, as if he wasn’t expecting such a serious answer. But then his mouth curls up into a little, secretive smile, one meant only for the boy in front of him. “You have nothing to be insecure about. I’m all yours.”
Seungyoun feels his contradictory feelings battling for dominance in his heart. Wooseok must notice it too, he probably can hear the ugly noise the thoughts in his head are making. And that’s why he’s so, so grateful when he feels Wooseok’s hand on his nape and lips pressing lightly on his own, like he was asking for permission. Seungyoun presses back and, just like that, they’re kissing, and the world falls away. It’s slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Wooseok pulls him closer until there’s no space left between them and the only thing they can feel is the beating of their hearts.
When they pull away, the noise in his head has disappeared. Instead, he feels the calming numbness of silence. Not an uncomfortable one- the one you share with the people you love the most, cozy and comfortable. Looking at Wooseok’s blissed expression, he’s sure all the highs and the lows in his life led him to this exact moment.
“It feels like I’m finally home.” he finally says, smiling against the other’s mouth.
Wooseok nods, satisfied, and their noses brush again. He lets out a little giggle, and Seungyoun swears he’s never felt like this in his whole life.
The other, then, lays his head on his chest again, tangles their legs together and throws an arm across Seungyoun’s chest. The latter just starts tenderly stroking Wooseok’s hair, lulling the other to sleep. Before dozing off, he hears a small love you, seungyoun, but before he calms down and gets to reply, the other is already sleeping.
But they don’t really need to say it out loud. If Wooseok is feeling as he is, if he feels like his heart is about to burst, then he knows.
-
Concept evaluation passes over them in a frenzy, like a tornado. Among tears, kisses, insecurities and comfort, they find themselves in a changing room, barely ten minutes before the final broadcast starts.
They’re huddled together on a little sofa, uniforms and makeup already on, hair styled, and hands clasped, while staff and trainees run around like they’re in a whirlwind.
“We started together, we finish together.” Wooseok says, looking at him with eyes full of determination. Like he’s sure Seungyoun will debut, that he’ll be sitting on one of the sofa seats.
But he’s never gotten used to the air up there.
“I’m glad you have this much trust in me,” he tries to joke, but in reality, he’s scared. He knows Wooseok is going to make it. It’s impossible not to love him. He has experienced it first hand. But him? No one knows.
The other pulls at their joined hands, making Seungyoun turn to face him. “No, Seungyoun, listen. You’re going to make it. Even if you think you won’t.” But how can he be sure? Nothing has ever been sure in his life. When everything seemed to go the right way, suddenly it didn’t.
“But what if I don’t?” he asks, eyes a little glassy.
Wooseok looks down, seeming to consider the possibility. But then he takes Seungyoun’s other hand, and squeezes them tight. “I love you, Cho Seungyoun. No matter what happens. Remember it.”
Seungyoun lays his forehead on the other’s shoulder, trying to pull himself together. “I love you too, baby.” He has barely the time to feel Wooseok’s slender, calming fingers carding through his hair when one of the staff members yells, it’s time!
They get up to rearrange themselves into their ranks. Wooseok lets go of Seungyoun’s hand, and looks back for a second.
“See you up there.”
Seungyoun lets himself believe, for once in his life, and he nods.