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Captain Janeway and I were alone in the mess hall. The alpha shift was asleep, the beta shift with its minimal crew, were at their stations. The Captain had sacrificed her own personal time to spend time with me. She said she wanted to know more about me, to get to know me better, have an insight into my life. I felt honoured.
And so we sat at a table together, a large mug of black coffee in front of her, a cold ginger beer in front of me. Yes I was a little nervous, a little excited, a little self-conscious to have her attention. She looked beautiful. Her auburn hair pulled into a low ponytail, her lips tinged with a warm pink lipstick, her blue eyes seemingq to sparkle.
The conversation had turned to family, relationships, aspirations, loves, children. She had been a little candid with me, and now I, feeling more and more comfortable in her presence, was to be candid with her. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as her eyes met mine.
“My wife,” as soon as those words escaped my mouth I knew I had to make the correction, “my ex-wife...... and I had been wanting to have kids for years.”
I didn’t know whether to detail the procedure in depth or assume she knew of it. I assumed prior knowledge.
“We went through the procedure to fertilise my egg with her DNA and transfer the embryo to me. It worked and I fell pregnant.” I was holding back the emotion, trying to remain steady and composed. I recited the details in an almost clinical manner. “We knew we were having a girl. We thought the pregnancy was progressing well. The tests came back fine. But then at our 18 week examination we found out that everything was not ok. Despite the advances in medical science, they still couldn’t save her.”
It was with those words that I teared up. Recalling the devastation that we felt, the physical pain, the depression that followed. Then I decided to tell the Captain something that I hadn’t told many - how the ordeal effected my ex-wife.
“My ex-wife is from Betazed. As an empath she felt our child’s suffering, her pain, and she felt mine as well and she suffered a mental breakdown. The most effective treatment was for her to return to Betazed, to remove her from everything that reminded her of our loss, including me. We had to divorce. It broke my heart. I haven’t seen her for four and a half years.”
The Captain reached out and took my hand and squeezed my hand lightly. I felt her gaze upon me. I looked up and met eyes with mine. I could see the sadness and sympathy in them.
“Rita,” She said my name in a soft, comforting manner. “I can’t begin to imagine how hard that was. I know there are no words that I can say to take your pain away.”
Her words touched me. She realised that no amount of ‘sorries’ would ease the pain, that listening was the best balm for my broken heart.
“Thank you Captain.” I said.
“Kathryn. We can dispense with the formalities.”
I was surprised that she allowed me to address her by her first name. But that wouldn’t stop me from using it.
“Thank you, Kathryn.”
She smiled a warm smile and released my hand slowly.
“Would you like to have children one day?” I asked her boldly.
“Maybe. If our circumstances had been different....” She paused for a moment, formulating her response, “but since we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant I have had to reassess my aspirations.”
Now, I had a glimpse into the impact of our stranding on the Captain. I was learning more about her.