Work Text:
Mood: Broken Heart
The morning started out like any other; his alarm going off at 6 am, well before he needed to get up for work. It was a Sunday, but he liked the illusion of getting to sleep in. He’d go back to sleep for about a half hour, then drag his sorry ass out of bed to get ready for his dead end, part time job he worked on weekends to get a little extra cash.
With the blaring of his next alarm at 6:30 am, Jungkook let out an exhausted groan as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Grabbing his phone to turn off his alarm, he saw he’d gotten some messages from the boy he’d been talking to lately, who’d occupied nearly every one of his waking thoughts: Jimin.
Lately, he’d found himself constantly looking forward to whenever he’d get messages from Jimin. Though Jimin was older by a few years, and was interested in very different things than he (Jimin was an artist, Jungkook a scientist), the two got along swimmingly; Jungkook sometimes forgot they met on a dating app.
Jungkook’d forgotten what they’d been talking about last night, but as he opened the messages, his stomach dropped when he saw the last one.
Jimin, 6:23 am
I realized we have not at all discussed our intentions/desires moving forward and I don’t like when I have no idea where someone else is, cause that’s just inviting misunderstanding into the situation with open arms
Jungkook had been dreading this conversation. The two had been talking for a couple weeks after initially connecting on a dating app, and finally met in person about two weeks ago. Jungkook had been completely smitten upon first introduction, and had been perfectly content living in his own little world, imagining he and Jimin as long-term, exclusive boyfriends… that’s what he’d desperately wanted for so long, and it felt so close.
Of course, the perfect man that was Jimin seemed almost too good to be true; Jungkook knew there was going to be some sort of catch, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. Kept convincing himself that there wouldn’t be any catch, that this was finally him getting everything he deserved and desired. That Jimin could be good without any fallback, that Jungkook could catch feelings without any consequences.
Jungkook could feel a lump forming in his throat before he even had the chance to begin to formulate a response. Of course, he would be honest; he would tell Jimin that he wanted something serious, had wanted something serious for a long time. Knew he deserved it, too, with all the heartbreak he’d already been through in his life.
But no matter how much he deserved it, he’d kept falling for people who wouldn’t or couldn’t reciprocate those feelings; and it hurt like hell every time that it happened.
So Jungkook did what he’d done in the past, and laid it all out on the table; he assumed Jimin wasn’t looking for something serious, even though Jungkook himself most definitely was. Better to be honest than to get even more hurt with lies.
But sometimes, the truth hurts just as much.
He told himself it might be alright; he was expecting yet another important person in his life to let him down, but he was hoping (oh, so hard) that this would be it. That Jungkook had finally finished all his waiting and found someone not only worth loving, but someone who wanted to love him back.
With the reminder echoing in his head that it could go either way, that it could turn out spectacular but that he shouldn’t expect it, Jungkook monotonously continued on with his morning.
Jimin, 7:24 am
I definitely know where I am in life right now and it’s no place to be in a committed relationship
Jungkook was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he read the words that sent a spear through his heart. Tears quickly began welling up in his eyes. He forced them away, blinking hard; he couldn’t afford to cry before he left for work, didn’t want to ruin his day before it had even begun.
He took a deep breath, and made his thoughts become rational instead of despairing. He couldn’t allow himself to break down over this. Jimin is amazing, but he hadn’t formed any true feelings for the older man yet.
(Or had he?)
Shaking his head as if shaking his doubtful thoughts from his mind, he kept about his morning routine. He could do this; he’d been through emotional times before, and he’d do it again.
As he drove home from work that day, he couldn’t help but be slightly angry. Not at Jimin, no, never him, but at the world. Jimin had never done anything wrong, and it wasn’t like he could control how ready he was to be in a relationship or not. It was never his fault.
No, Jungkook was furious with the world, with himself. With everything, anything. With the world, for constantly making him become emotionally invested and attached to these boys that ended up wanting nothing to do with him (and thus leaving Jungkook broken hearted, left alone to glue himself back together again); with himself, for letting his hopes get too high, for becoming too disillusioned by the idea of what could be and nearly blinding himself from reality.
So incredibly blinded by the immediate sense of comfort he felt with the older man; the first day they met, he opened up about his entire past. He trusted Jimin so incredibly much, trusted him with parts of himself that not many people knew; his depression, his anxiety, his attempts at suicide years ago, even when he was sexually assaulted… the events that changed the course of his life forever.
With traffic slowing to a near stop, Jungkook found himself looking around at the cars around him, and tried to make sense of his thoughts.
He was also frustrated with himself for not keeping Jimin to himself; he’d been so sure that Jimin was it, that they’d become something real and that Jungkook would finally have what he’d been so desperately craving, that he’d told his coworkers and best friend about the man who’d started stealing his heart.
And now, he’d have to tell those friends what happened; of course, he’d downplay it, tell them in short words that they’re just going to be friends for now. He’d leave out the fact that he’d fallen for the older man, that being “just friends” was going to both save and ruin him; save him in that he still got to keep Jimin in his life, ruin him in that he’d never get to love the man the way he wanted to.
With the word love passing through his mind, he wondered why people were so desperate, and so content to just live without it. Love was the last thing Jungkook needed in his life to feel truly alive, he knew this well. He’d been achieving everything he wanted in life, was going to start professional school in the fall and have his doctorate in three short years. He had friends, roommates he got along well with, and coworkers he adored; a best friend who understood him and stood by him through thick and thin.
But he didn’t feel whole, and hadn’t for a while. Jungkook wanted to love, and now, specifically, he wanted to love Jimin.
A tear ran down his cheek as he carefully pressed the gas, slowly moving forward.
Finally coming home, Jungkook thought he’d feel much more relieved than he did. Rather, he just felt burdened. Coming home should mean comfort and relaxation, whereas now it meant finally truly facing his demons. He tried distracting himself for a little while, watching some YouTube videos from the channel that Jimin had recommended him, but it didn’t help; he associated it directly with Jimin and his smile when he laughed and the way his eyes got bright when he talked about a video from the channel or his passions in general, so it only made his aching heart worse.
He finally gave up, choosing to take a nap instead. As he lay on the floor, looking at the ceiling, tears quietly running down his face, Jungkook asked himself: why do I let myself feel so deeply? Why do I always end up hurt in the end?
He let out a sob.
When will I find someone to love me?
Later that night, Jungkook found himself typing out texts to Jimin, ones that he would never send.
You’ve hurt my heart so bad… but I’m not angry with you about it. I just wish I could love you in the way I know you deserve to be loved.
Tears dripping down his face, he wondered if he should make the decision to wait for him, or try to get past the feelings that he’d formed for the bright and beautiful soul that was Jimin.
Foolishly, he decided to wait. And hope for the best.